Storyboarding

Mrs Infeckshun appeared. "Here you are,son, this will help your eyes...." she said, handing him the Preparation H.
 
Alice wondered if she could somehow escape the mass of reporters unnoticed and make her way to the airport to intercept her real mother who was now her father and her boss and her real father before the two of them managed to cash in her aer lingus vouchers and make their way off to destination unknown.

She sidled off while everyones attention was on the scene unfolding with the Preperation H.
 
She hailed a taxi and a Hummer squealed into the side of the pavement. She thought that she recognised the driver. "Hardly... I used to be in a monastry" he growled, when she queried if she knew him.

As they headed out towards the airport, they were met by a Garda checkpoint.

There was Longshanks, standing in the middle of the road, trousers held up by a hastily adjusted blue neck, handcuffs dangling from one wrist, looking very dishevelled.

"Keep going, keep going!" Alice urged the driver "I can't let that man see me!"
 
The taxidriver did a sudden U turn - pretty shocking driving as he was on the M50 but the traffic was so bad that no one was moving anyway so it was like driving in a carpark. He drove back along the hard shoulder til he reached the previous exit and once again U turned up it. Longshanks witnessed this spectacle but by the time he'd alerted someone to follow the taxi it was lost in the roadworks at the Red Cow Roundabout and the sight of a garda car amid the traffic chaos in the area only served to further lock things up as drivers hastily stopped trying to nip through the lights at the last minute and endeavoured to get into the correct lane.

Alice heaved a great sigh of relief. She slumped down in the taxi and prayed that they would reach the airport shortly.
 
Alice's mobile rang. It was Ninsaga on the AAM hotline. She hung up immediately on hearing the lewd comments that Ninsaga was making. In any case, they had reached the terminal and Alice hopped out, handing the driver her credit card. He ran it through his machine gave it back to her, with a wink.

She hurried into the terminal, trying to fight her way to the Aer Lingus information desk, hoping against hope that the cheap flight hadn't left yet.
 
While waiting in the queue she saved Ninsagas number - well she enjoyed a bit of lewdness now and again but she was busy right now!

Up ahead she spotted James and Hatton nearly at the desk. She threw herself forward through the queue hastily excusing herself that she was with people up ahead.

Just as she reached them.......
 
....a huge cry went up.

"There she is! There she is! The woman who was on the telly all morning. Yer wan that won the Euromillions!"

Alice was surrounded by the madding (!)crowd and found herself being swept along, being carried further and further from her father. Not to mention her boss, who owed her a week's overtime money. And her other father, who was limping one-legged towards the departure gates, oblivious to Alice's plight.

If she didn't act soon, she thought, her two fathers would be lost to her forever. Suddenly shouted as loud as she could: "I'LL BUY THE COMPANY! THE AIRPORT EVEN! NOW, STOP THAT PLANE......!"

As a great hush came over the terminal building, she heard a whisper behind her.

"Is she mad or what? Buy Aer Lingus......?" The crowd began to titter adn giggle adn soon the whole place was rocking with laughter, as Alice watched the only two playboys of her world disappear into the departure lounge. She had lost them surely....
 
As she struggled to free herself from the clutches of the increasingly elated crowd she realised she had to get through the departure gates and fast. She leaped over the backs of some chairs where forlorn smokers were wishfully sitting reminiscing about the good old smelly days of the smoking section and threw herself in the direction of the nearest Ryanair desk.

"I need a ticket for the next plane leaving the airport - I dont care where its to".

"Certainly Madam, that will be 4382 Euro including tax, a one way to Riga".

Alice fumbled with her purse, feverishly trying to work out if there was space on her credit card for this and was frustrated to realise that it was maxed out and her Euromillions cheque wouldnt clear for days.
 
There was nothing for it but to return home, comfort her erstwhile mother Mrs. Infeckshun and do a bit of ironing. Perhaps she would get some peace at the office now that Mr Hatton was gone. And James would not be bothering her with his advances any more, either. She felt a slight pang of regret.

Still, she thought, she always had Ninsaga's number if she got bored. But boredom was not a state that occurred in Alice's wonderworld. Down to her last few euros, she got the bus. Barely had she settled into her seat when.....
 
...a little old man who looked so innocent that one would imagine him handing Wurther Originals to his blondy haired grandson with a warm smile sat beside her and said "Show us yer knickers luv".

Alice had really had enough. Rather than create a scene she slyly elbowed the old fellow hard in the side of the neck as she changed seats only for the bus to lurch to a sudden stop - and it wasnt at a bus stop.
 
"Damn", she heard the driver mutter, "I'll really have to get on to the company about these buses goin' onto the feckin' pavement all by themselves and runnin' people over. Let's see, that's two.. no three..."
 
It was Garda Longshanks again. He was still in Red Cobra mode. He had tracked Alice down through the news bulletin updates on his radio. Alice had been dubbed the Mysterious Millionairess by the media and, never a man to let his quarry escape, he had raced from the Red Cow roundabout to set up another checkpoint.

Alice scrambled out through the emergency exit and began to run down the street, Behind her came Longshanks, followed closely by the little old man, then a posse of newspaper men, continuity announcers and Charlie Bird. At the very rear, Eddie Hobbs was waving some papers in the air, frantically calling out: "Alice, Alice, can I talk to you for a minute.....?"

Alice swerved into the doorway of a building, ran down a hallway and stopped dead in her tracks. She was confronted by .....
 
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...His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama.

He was smaller in person than she would have imagined, and very colourfully dressed.

She looked around and realised she had run into a hotel and the reason she had bumped into His Holiness in the lobby was that he was about address a group of supporters on the subject of the Chinese Olympics.

She wondered if he could quickly advise her on her current situation. He was smiling at her so she took a chance.

Breathlessly she blurted out the whole story, her mother was her father, her father was her boss, her real father was now running off with her boss/mother/father person, Mrs Inshunfeckin most likely would need medical attention for the Denturefix incident but as she didnt have VHI she might suffer for ages, she'd just won Euromillions, lost the dastardly couple in the airport after they made off with her Aer Lingus vouchers, she was down an iron and Longshanks was in hot pursuit - to say nothing of the itchy feeling she had on her neck where that asian girl had started trying to massage her.

As she got to the end of the tale she saw His Holiness smile warmly at her and he said....
 
Will you donate some of you Euromillions to the campaign to get China out of Tibet?
 
"What? You mean you dont have any words of wisdom for me!???" said Alice.

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." intoned the Dalai Lama.

Alice privately thought that her happiness was being affected by the actions of many other people lately but she didnt want to be rude so she agreed, promised to send the cheque onto him and decided to continue through the hotel and hopefully find a quiet back entrance.
 
As she made her way towards what she assumed was the back of the hotel a small balding man hurried to her side.

"Ms. Infeckshun? Ms. Alice Infeckshun?"

She nodded slightly.

"Your suite is ready as requested. Everything has been prepared. If you'd like to follow me..."

Alice stood there uncomprehending. Her suite?

"Oh and Mr. Infeckshun has already booked in".
 
Alice stopped in her tracks suddenly overwhelmed by the days events. To hell with this she thought as she caught sight of a cocktail bar through a nearby doorway.
"A babycham please, straight up." Alice demanded of the barman having spun on her heels and marched straight into the glittery surrounds. The small bald man followed her and placed her room key discreetly at her elbow as she sat at the bar.
As the bar man poured the bubbling liquid into a martini glass Alice motioned for him to leave the bottle and sat looking fondly at the little blue deer on the label. Oh bambi, she thought, what a day!
Suddenly a long lean thigh pressed up against hers. She followed the grey lounge suit upwards, discreetly forcing her eyes to move quickly past the crotch area.
"George? Is that really you?" She asked as her eyes fixed on his dark brown ones.
"No, it's Ninsaga, though I've often been mistaken for George Clooney." He said modestly.
"No, bush!" She tittered.
 
"No bush! Great - I prefer a landing strip myself" smiled Ninsaga.

"A landing strip?" thought Alice, "Oh he must have seen me at the airport!!".
 
"Remember that middle aged man - Bob from New York - you had a marriage of convenience with because you wanted a work visa for the US a few years ago?....it looks like he's turned up to claim half your Euromillions.....he's waiting upstairs in a suite." said Ninsaga.

"Oh......not him" replied Alice. "I forgot to file the divorce papers when I finished working in the US. He's a disgusting slob with bad breath."

"You dont have to worry about any of that tonight" smiled Ninsaga. "I've booked the honeymoon suite. We can have a bit of fun and worry about Bob in the morning."

"But what about your new wife?" asked Alice, now realising that the bar had been reserved for Ninsaga's wedding reception which was taking place in the hotel that day.
 
"New wife?" asked Ninsaga, non-plussed, "I'll ask her if she'd like to join us but I'm not so sure she will. The old one certainly wasn't into that kind of thing......"

Alice caught the barman's attention and ordered a double Babycham.
".....In fact", she said, "make it a whole buck....and leave the antlers on..."

She turned to Ninsaga and said: "OK, here's the deal. You go up to the honeymoon suite that's double-booked by my long-forgotten husband. No doubt he'll be waiting for me there, in the dark. You can pretend that you're me and don't put the light on...."
 
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