Storyboarding

Red in the face with exhaustion Garda Longshanks crossed his legs and wished he had not put his last stitch of clothes in the wash because things were getting complicated now.

Mean while the dog was sniffing the back of his pants and thinking....
 
Then the phone rang - it was Chief Superintendent Mac Shickel. "Longshanks its a 'Red Cobra' call - the big fish is swimming and tonite we're going to hook him, take up your position in 1hr and be prepared"....
 
Longshanks knew that this was his chance, his one final shot at making the big time. If he collared the big fish then this would make his career and provide the final boost that he needed to show his true colours at the next interview for sergeant. Gone would be his days of crime scene analysis, of door to door house calls, of emergency response duty in times of heavy traffic, gone would be the days of listening to Tom Bigshotovich, the new fella from Store Street spout off about his rise from tarffic duty to special unit assignment. This was his time, his turn to make his mark!

"Sergeant Longshanks", he thought. "Now that really has a ring to it!" It was just at this moment that Mrs Infeckshun started to cough loudly. "Well are you going to stand there all day? Or are you going to help me up! This denture powder is well near set! It's going to take a rock breaker to get me out if you don't hurry."

Startled from his imaginings of how the future will look so much brighter Garda Longshanks adjusted his tunic, squared his cap and bent down to help Ms Infeckshun from the kitchen floor.

That job took quite an effort! How he managed to lift a 22 stone 40-something year old woman from a floor he reckoned he'd never know. But then again, all those evenings in the gym working out on the bicep curl machine had to pay off eventually. He made sure that he was ok and took his leave of her.

Glad to be finally back in the fresh air he walked his bicycle back to the station. The previous abdominal episode had made cycling an environmental catastrophe waiting to happen.

Back in the office A lice Infeckshun was busy preparing for the mother of all presentations. Alice knew very little about presentations other than the fact that usually meant stress for everyone involved. She thought,"Wouldn't it be nice if I could do something to relieve everyone's stress."
 
... obviously Alice thought that Mary's Massage Parlour was a legitimate service when she booked 6 of their masseurs for an afternoon of massages for the office staff as her way of relieving everyone's stress. So you can imagine her embarrassment when 6 young scantily clad Asian ladies walked into the office and asked for Alice. Every head in the office was switching from Alice to the ladies and back as the sweat began to drip from Alice's forehead. There was only one thing for it she thought...
 
....and that would be to turn these scantily clad pseudo hookers over to the Gardai. She phoned reception and informed the girl on the desk to activate all security doors and call the guards immediately.

Meanwhile, a short distance from the office Longshanks readjusted his uncomfortable position in a gorse bush and peered once again through his opera glasses. 'Darned cheapskates, the least they could have done was stump up for a decent pair of binoculars' he muttered to himself. Suddenly he saw his prey. Through an open office window he spotted a half naked group of asian women begin to grapple with a dumbfounded nerdy office type. As he was about to call this update in his walkie talkie crackled to life 'The eagle has landed, the eagle has landed - proceed to zone 2 and await further instructions'.

Longshanks became so excited that in his scramble to exit the bush he stumbled forwards, the bush hooked his belt, and he made an unceremonious thud as he hit the pavement, opera glasses in hand, trousers round his ankles.
 
Alice, still fighting off the persistent potential masseuse, heard one of her colleagues cry out: "Look, look! There! Down on the pavement....!"

Alice was glad to have the staff's attention taken away from her. She lifted her heel to boot the last of the Asian infiltrators out the door and slammed it shut. Catching her breath, she joined her colleagues who had all gathered at the window and were peering down at the pavement below.

"What's he doing?", one of them asked, "and why has he got his trousers around his ankles"

"He's got a very small pair"

"Yes, that's the smallest pair of binoculars I've ever seen. They lookm like opera glasses. But why is a policeman lying on the ground half naked with a pair of opera glasses...."

Alice Infeckshun turned in horror from the window, covering her mouth with her hand. "It couldn't be him, could it?" she thought madly to herself. Yet she knew there was no denying it. It was him all right.
 
By now the Asian ladies were out on the pavement and seeing Longshanks in such a compromising position, they mistakenly thought that he was a punter doing role play. One of them grabbed his handcuffs and handcuffed him to a drainpipe while the others cheered on with chants of "naughty naughty policeman........" while massaging him.

Longshanks dreams of promotion were then suddenly shattered when the Chief Superintendent stepped out of a squad car which had just parked at the pavement.
 
"VICE SQUAD" roared the Chief Superintendent the sound of which caused the Asian girls to scatter like ball bearings on a dance floor.

Longshanks looked sheepishly over his shoulder, dripping with massage oil and his bum in a position strangely reminiscent of someone elses bum earlier that day.

"GOOD MAN" bellowed the Chief Superintendent, who liked to believe that the more authoritarian a man sounded the more he got done, "WE'VE PLENTY OF LADS OUT ON THE STREET TO GATHER THEM UP, WELL DONE FOR KEEPING THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE TIL I GOT HERE".

He unlocked Longshanks handcuffs and clapped him hard on the back. So hard in fact that Longshanks bit his tongue, spluttered and accidently sprayed the Chief Superintendents shoes with spittle mixed with blood. The Chief Superintendent looked down and shouted "GREAT - DNA EVIDENCE" - mistakenly thinking the nasty mess on his shoe belonged to one of the Asian posse.
 
Meanwhile, had Alice slipped quietly around the corner to avoid having Longshanks recognise her. Without warning, she bumped straight into James Alderton, her one-legged neighbour, who was still suffering from the aftereffects of his encounter with Alice's mother's dentured bum that morning.

"Hello, James" Alice said, coyly.
 
She suddenly noticed that his eyes were bulging and beads of sweat glistened on his brow. His breathing was shallow and frantic as the runny yellow sun cast a monopedic shadow, lengthening across the badly laid pavement slabs.

He opened his slightly feminine lips:
 
"Parked illegally outside Tesco," he said.

"I....um.....eh......ah......well.......I.....," she said.

He grinned with such menace her heart skipped a beat.
 
Until she realised that he was actually passing wind. She grimaced a little herself in the downstream before noticing he was waiting on an answer from her.
 
She knew that she would have to hurry this conversation along: James was teetering slightly, being one-legged was never an asset when making pavement-conversation. She wondered how he managed to compensate for the rapid changes in vestibular sensation caused by his gaseous emissions, his micro-muscular responses must be fabulous. She shot him a glance, wondering if she might ever have an opportunity to attempt an evoked potential response examination of his lower extremities. She just knew that the results would be fascinating.

"I don't drive James", she said. "It couldn't have been me." "Well, it damn well looked like you getting out of a 1964 chevy coupe with a 6.4 litre V8 engine that develops 312bhp at 2700 rpm outside Tesco.", James retorted.

She hated it when he started talking about mechanical stuff. After all, she spent her life working with mechanical stuff that she never really understood and what vexed her most was that she had yet to figure out why her favourite piece of mechanical paraphrenalia had stopped functioning.
 
Her Rowenta DX-9800 Perfect Steam Iron hadn't been working for the past week. God I miss my crisply pressed trousers she thought, fondly remembering how the steam brushed past her chin as she prepared the next mornings clothes. She made a mental note to ring Steve her sparky cousin that evening to see if he fixed it yet.
Her attention was brought back to the present when James let out a shout ...
 
"Ahh, me leg!!!".

Alice looked alarmed. James righted himself and apologised, "Sorry" he said, "Sometimes I get a terrible cramp in it from standing on uneven pavements".

She was pleased the conversation had moved away from illegal parking outside Tesco AND mechanical devices. But not so pleased at the direction it next took.
 
"I have just the thing for your leg" she said with cheeky grin & sparkle in her eye.

'Hmmm' he though to himself, 'I like the sound of that', his wildest fantasies running at full speed to the point of where his heart raced at 200 beats per minute.

"Such as what Alice?...... something pleasurable I hope?"

"Oh for sure James..... I would love to ..... well you know.....' she blushed slightly

*** badly edited movie clip jumps straight to bedroom scene ****
 
"I have something to tell you" James told her.

"I have been meaning to tell you this for a while now...........its about your boss, Mr. Hatton..".

"What about him?" replied Alice.

"He has a secret.........he used to be a woman".

Alice then remembered the earlier phonecall she tried to make to her mother and realised that she may have pushed the speed dial for her bosses office rather than the speed dial for her mother's house. A feeling of horror came over her when she realised that Mr. Hatton is actually her mother.

"Oh.....that explains the strange response I go from him on the phone earlier...........he said he was my mother?"

"Yes, thats correct" said James.

And there's more. I used to be married to Mr. Hatton when he was known as Mary Hatton. We were married for 4 years before she came home one day and said she wanted to be a man. You were only 6 months old at the time. She then dissappeared to London for a while leaving me to look after you. Then I was run over by a bus and was in hospital for 2 years. Mrs Infeckshun, our neighbour was always fond of you, so I agreed to let her adopt you as I was facing a long recovery from my leg amputation and other horrific injuries.
 
"Well whilst my head is spinning with these revelations James, and my emotional and family life becomes more convoluted and unpredictable with every passing minute, not to mention the absolutely bizarre sequence of events so far today, really, I think we are here...right now...in this room...for one reason only - don't you?"

She whispered, full of confused, bewildered, but raging desire.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top