Storyboarding

Or will they? Perhaps in some forgotten tome, the JGG will be remembered, perhaps online in some strange storyboard. Perhaps he'll reappear in this story, who knows?

Anyway, on with the tale...Hatton gave up chasing the JGG and stood there in the middle of the road, exhausted. He turned just as Alice...
 
......started screaming hysterically.

"What's wrong," he cried!

"I just got a text from those b*stards in Aer Lingus - they say the flights I booked to America this morning have been cancelled!"

"Why," he cried!

"Because they say they made a mistake with the pricing," she said.

"How," he cried!

"Because they're right ****ing eejits," she said.

"Yes," he cried!

"Would you ever stop crying, you stupid fecker," she cried.
 
'What?' he stammered, thinking to himself ,well if she isn't just like her tr....op of a mother.

'I need a really good shag-pile rug for my bedroom', she said.

'You see I suffer from chilblains in the winter and I thought the shag would be so soft and warm on my tootsies',
 
"Do you want to come to my bedroom & I'll show you exactly what I mean...... if you know what I mean....." she said seductively

"Oh yes for sure" he said all eagerly

"Well then watcha waitin' for"

..... so they arrive back in the bedroom
 
"So...here is where I thought I'd install a hidden TV mounted on a motor with remote access..."
"...right, mounted, got you!" He said, with a lecherous wink.
"And over here I thought I'd do a feature wall with hand painted wallpaper" She continued, obviously lost in a Laurence Llewellan Bowen moment.
"Er, Alice, what about the shag?" He said tentatively.
"God, Ninsaga, er no I mean Hatton, you have such a one-track mind!" She exclaimed, but gestured over to the water bed, none the less...
 
She held out her hand and Hatton tentatively took it, he followed her to the bed. They lay side by side, enjoying the warmth of the water bed sloosh underneath them, they held hands and turned to face each other, Alice's eyes were tender and misty. Hatton's phone started to ring.....
 
But seeing as one hand was holding Alices and the other was off with the Jolly Green Giant he couldnt answer it. James meanwhile was standing speechless at the door of the bedroom "Hatton - how did you manage to get to the hospital to get that stump bandaged up and back here so fast, with the state of the Health Service I thought youd be on a trolley for at least 97 hours before they even looked at you!".
 
"Don't be silly James, you know I had bionic implants at the same time as my sex change operation- I just took out a spare." Hatton said, waving a suspiciously smooth looking hand.
Just then Mrs. Infeckshun's face appeared at the window.
"Oh Alice", she wailed, "you are finally reunited with your real Mammy and Daddy. Please don't hate me for not telling you, but James threatened to spray my beloved orchid plant with weed killer if I ever let on..." She shot James a murderous look.
Unperturbed, James limped to the bed and took Hatton's smooth hand.
"Oh Mary-"
He was interrupted by a loud buzzer...
 
For moment he thought he was back in the Sc-Fi film and then with a start
he realised that it was Mrs Infecshum's new door bell........bought by himself in LIDL last Thurs, 20 Euros for a specially enhanced bell for those with Tinnitus.
'Who is it?', said Alice.
With that Mrs Infecshus shouted up the stairs....'Alice,Alice, come here, quick,quick!!!!
'Oh, my God , what's wrong ?',said Alice as she ran down the stairs.
Standing there was an urbane, grey haired business man in a Hugo Boss.
In his hand was a huge bunch of velvet red roses and a box of Lily O'Brien's luxury selection. Alice came to a sudden stop at the end of the stairs, looked up at him and then he smiled.
'Hello, may I call you Alice' .he said.
'Yes',said Alice tentatively. 'Sorry, do I know you?'
'Alice, I'm Dermot Man.........from Aer L......'
I'd like you to accept these first class tickets and the gifts as a token of apology for all the upset we have caused you. It was our fault and we hope you will forgive us', and he smiled at her gently.

Alice looked at him ,wordlessly, and then she fainted.
 
James and Hatton glanced at each other and wordlessly took the Aer Lingus tickets. Alice began to stir and Hatton said 'Cmon James, we never had a proper honeymoon and these tickets are not in anyones name - lets go'.
 
James looked at Mr. Mary Hatton and askedd "Shall I pack one razor or two...?" AAlice burst into tears again: "For God's sake!" she roared, spittle covering the two men in front of her, "I've just found out that my mother is now my father as well as my boss and my neighbour is also my father....and Mrs Infeckshun, whom I looked up to for all those years is actually a nobody who puts Denturefix on her bum! Wkat ABOUT MY FEELINGS?!?!?"

Hatton looked at James and shrugged, saying: "We'd better hurry and get to the airport. Traffic is deadly at this time of day...." He took his hand and skipped out the door leaving a distraught and shattered Alice, sitting on the foloor with an iron in her hand. Just then, she heard the sound of a helicopter overhead.....
 
She ran down the stairs and out into a crowd of journalists, paparazzi and in their midst James and Hatton struggling to get past. She looked up at the helicopter and realised it was a news helicopter with a cameraman perched precariously out the open door of it pointing his camera directly at the scene below.

At her appearance the crowd went wild and began to shout questions at her. She couldnt hear a thing and her heart started to hammer wildly in her chest at the prospects of her family situation becoming public knowledge - who had notified the press, who else knew that her mother was her father and her boss to and that Mrs Infeckshun was really just a barmy old bat who put Denturefix on her bum?

Suddenly she realised that the nearest reporter was shoving a microphone at her face and that James and Hatton seemed to have made it through the crowd unscathed - in fact, the crowd didnt seem remotely interested in the newly re-united couple.

She focussed on the microphone, blinked furiously in the a blinding spotlight and said 'What do you want?'.

'Alice, Alice, How does it feel to be a Euromillions lotto winner?'
 
"Well...em...I....I'm not too sure. Will I have to sing live?" Alice was clueless when it came to anything about Europe, although she was looking forward to going to Lisbon on June 12th to vote. "Will I get to meet Dustin? And Pat Kenny.../" she asked excitedly.

The crowd were silent and you could hear a pin drop as they realised that Alice was a total eejit. In fact, everybody DID hear a pin drop. Heads turned as they watched the uniformed army figure at the edge of the crowd.

"Nobody move..." he cried, holding his clenched fist above his head, "this is a live grenade.....!"
 
The crowd backed away in horror - it was like a great wave of pushing them all backwards.

The uniformed figure shouted 'IT WAS ALL FOR YOU MRS INFECKSHUN!!!'.
 
Alice watched in horror as the grenade arched it's way towards Mrs Infeckshun's house. Her whole life flashed before her eyes. How she had alwasy thought of the dentured woman as her mother. How she had, by some instinct, resisted her real father's James' sexual advances as the woman she had thought was her mother tut-tutted in the corner. And a great wave of affection swept over her. Somehow, she had to stop that grenade exploding in Mrs Infeckshun's medicine cabinet or she would never cure her piles....
 
She realised she was still holding the iron. Unthinkingly she threw it and its trajectory perfectly intercepted the arcing grenade causing an impressive mid air explosion. Everyone ducked as bits of iron and shrapnel flew through the air. The only causalty of the explosion appeared to be the uniformed man himself - although he had not suffered any hits by shrapnel he had been blinded by the flash bulbs from the press and was now stumbling about holding his hands to his eyes.
 
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