Dear Lizzie,
I never expected I'd write a letter like this, but in the face of overwhelming evidence and a groundswell of popular opinion I have no other options open to me.
You need to summon your PM, Dave the Rave Cameron, and Instruct him to withdraw his apology to the people of Derry, the victims of Bloody Sunday and the innocents shot to death and injured by those colourful young men in your 1st Parachute Regiment, you know the guys with memory-failure who pledged allegiance to the you, your heirs and successors.
It is crystal clear to me now that Dave's apology was unnecessary and inappropriate for the following reasons :
- He was not PM when the atrocities happened
- He was only 6 years old when 1 Para went on their killing spree
- He did not commission the Saville Inquiry, that was the fault of Tony the Papist non-Tory (a truly distasteful man, Ma'am)
- He never set foot in Derry until 2010
- What happened in Derry was a long time ago
- The soldiers responsible for the atrocity were yours, not his
- Widgery had already established the facts to the satisfaction of successive British Governments
- Given his American-Scotch ancestry, what happened in Derry all those years ago was none of Dave the Rave's business, so he shouldn't have interfered
- The Paddies mistreated his cousin, Rose Dugdale, very badly by jailing her for her youthful exuberance and mis-adventures in the 60's and 70's so he should have received an apology, not given one.
So all-in-all then, welcome back Lizzie. Insulated and exonerated by time, distance, changes in management, accidents of birth and ancestry, your conscience can be clear as the driven snow, and in acknowledgement of this we'll revert your former possessions to their occupation names of Queesnstown, Marraborough, Queen's County, King's County, etc.
I remain then, Your delightedly new humble servant, in sole charge of historical revisionism and Chairman of the Ted Heath / Bertie Ahern Institute for honesty and accuracy in politics and history, A Poster.