Advice on a relationship issue?

[bullwinkle]

Did you ever face a difficult period in those 14 years where he wasnt working, or in a job he didnt like etc... or is this the first time that you have seen this side of him - by this side of him I mean the guy who dilly dallying about not engaging with no plan for the future?

No you are quite right, we had no really tough issues like unemployment etc to deal with for the first 10 years.

On some of the other issues - did he really go straight from Mammy to you - he never lived independently? He had Mammy looking after him, then he had Bullwinkle looking after him?

Yes, moved out of home and we rented a house for few years then bought.

On buying the house etc...who was the driving force, did he come to you saying 'Ive seen this great house that we could do up' etc.... Even though a couple may agree on plans there is often one person who drives it more. If you can look back at 14 years and it turns out you are more often the driver - then it may be that he just doesnt know how to get up and start driving (as it were).

Again spot on - I would have been the driving force. He wanted a house as well but I think really when it came down to it it was me who went out & organised mortgage/legal stuff etc etc. And yes I am definitely the driver but I have tried very hard not to be over the years, I would have loved him to 'take control' on many occasions and asked him to do so but he always shys away from pressure etc so it's usually just down to me to deal with. He wouldn't have great coping skills neither would his parents and family - they tend to go to pieces if there is any hassle/hardship and somehow they always blame somebody else for their problems, they are always victims in their own minds and he & his sisters would be very much like them.

 

[bullwinkle]

Tell him how hurt and angry you are that he has not considered you in his decisions.

Thank you - I actually have done this but so far I am not getting much of a reaction. He is mumbling sorrys etc but I don't think he quite understands what has happened if you know what I mean - it's like it hasn't hit him.

 

[truthseeker]

Alright Bullwinkle, based on your posts on this thread and responses to what people have asked you, Im sorry to tell you - you cant make someone be the person you want them to be. You cannot control another persons behaviour, you can only control your own.

You say that you have always been the driving force, he has a tendency to go to pieces, you have always been the organiser, he has never even lived independently etc and now, after 14 years, you want him to be a different person. It actually sounds like he is being the same person as the person you married, it was just that his behaviour wasnt having a negative impact on you before and now it is so you want him to change.

But you cant change someone that way. A person can change, but it has to come from within. And a lot of the time, people dont change all that much.

For your own sanity and happiness, you either need to get out of the situation and move on yourself, or come to an acceptance that your expectations will not be met by this person, when the chips are down he expects you to be in control. Thats the tone thats been set all along.

 

[Knuttell]

it's like it hasn't hit him.

That would be because it hasn't hit him at all,as usual its someone else who takes the hit...you on this occasion as the sole provider.

He is at home all day long watching cash in the attic or Dr Phil when you are up at the crack of dawn working 7 days a week.

I take it that because he jacked in the job that he is not entitled to SW?given the straitened times we live in anyone who jacks in a job shouldn't get a red cent from the SW ever.

I know of a friend of my sister who is a fully qualified solicitor who is waiting on tables in a city centre restaurant,he just puts the head down and gets on with it,I admire people like him,he has a wife and young child and nothing gets him down,he sees there is a positive in any situation no matter how bleak.

 

[bullwinkle]

?given the straitened times we live in anyone who jacks in a job shouldn't get a red cent from the SW ever.

Couldn't agree more and no he would not be entitled to any sw anyway. When he was unemployed before, he was cut off before the year and didn't qualify for anything due to my earnings after that.

 

[gillarosa]

Again spot on - I would have been the driving force. He wanted a house as well but I think really when it came down to it it was me who went out & organised mortgage/legal stuff etc etc. And yes I am definitely the driver but I have tried very hard not to be over the years, I would have loved him to 'take control' on many occasions and asked him to do so but he always shys away from pressure etc so it's usually just down to me to deal with. He wouldn't have great coping skills neither would his parents and family - they tend to go to pieces if there is any hassle/hardship and somehow they always blame somebody else for their problems, they are always victims in their own minds and he & his sisters would be very much like them.[/QUOTE]

This is the nub of the matter, your Partner has been nurtured in his passive aggressive personality from birth. In this one issue you started this thread about he has achieved his aim, is sitty pretty at home and you are tearing your hair out but nevertheless facilitating it. Fourteen years into your relationship you need to learn how to cope with (not manage) his personality type. Neither of you are right or wrong, is it possible you may have been attracted to one another because he wanted to be managed and you wanted someone to manage? but now the problem has become unmanageable due to outside factors (finances and your reputation with your friend) and you have hit a wall. its difficult for you I know, but I'd recommend you read up on it as much as possible.

 

[Firefly]

OP, If you don't mind me saying so, I think you have married a lazy Mammy's Boy who is used to having everything done for him. How you lasted 14 years is as much a problem with you as it is with him though. Working 6+ days a week is only feeding his habit and the first thing I would do is "drop back" to 5 days a week.

There are plenty of couples (usually with kids, granted) who decide it's the best if one of them stays at home (as in our own case until recently). However, this is not the case here. He seems quite happy for you to go out and work whilst he has a great old time! For someone keen on starting a family, I'm not sure if this is the best example to be giving kids either. He does seem to have the life of Reilly to be honest!

Given that you've been together for 14 years I don't suspect there is a quick remedy for this though and you may be best to seek professional advice.

Keep a cool head if you can though and write down all of the things that are bothering you (you've provided enough here already to cover most of it (I'd hope!). I'd then sit him down and work through them. In no uncertain terms I would convey to him that you are nearing the end of your thether (as you already posted) and that unless things change you will have to think about your own future together.

Firefly.

 

[Knuttell]

I drive a 2000 car, he drives a 2005 car.

You are working waaay to hard to be running two cars (tax,insurance,services.petrol) while he sits round the house all day,get rid of the 00D and take his 05D car,then look very hard at your finances in particular stuff like Sky television etc,perhaps post in the money makeover section?

The loss of a few luxuries may steel his resolve somewhat,at the very least it will ease the burden of carrying a grown man around on your back 24/7.

 

[SoylentGreen]

Is it the fact that he is putting pressure on you to have a child the cause of all this and you have fears about it?