Yet another crap joke...

The Coffin

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP..

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
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The coffin stops
 
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.
 
If a bra is an upper-decker flopper stopper

and a gilt edged toilet roll is a super-dooper pooper scooper

What is a punch drunk Japanese who's father has dysentery??
 
BillK said:
If a bra is an upper-decker flopper stopper

and a gilt edged toilet roll is a super-dooper pooper scooper

What is a punch drunk Japanese who's father has dysentery??
Click to expand...

Definitely question of the week
 
What’s the difference between a policeman’s truncheon and a magic wand?

One is for cunning stunts.
 
In Memoriam


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.........and then the trouble started.
 
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him


Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good




A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
A man went to his Doctor complaining of Hemorrhoids. The Doctor gave him some tablets and on his return visit, asked if they had been successful, to which the man replied. No, for all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my ****
 
This doesn't class as a crap joke but I'm not starting a new thread off for it...

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.



Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.



He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!'



The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.



As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.



All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.



A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.



He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.



Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.



His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.



The trainer was astounded.



When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'



The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.



I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'



So, the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off!'



'Not really.



You'd be amazed the reaction you get when you bite your own nuts!
 
BillK said:
If a bra is an upper-decker flopper stopper

and a gilt edged toilet roll is a super-dooper pooper scooper

What is a punch drunk Japanese who's father has dysentery??
Click to expand...

A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy Pappy.
Fairly obvious really...
 
I took the thread title literally for this one.....

A Wee Scottish Tale.


A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,

'Dinnae drink tha watter! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,

'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me'

The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
 
Last edited:
S.L.F said:
A man went to his Doctor complaining of Hemorrhoids. The Doctor gave him some tablets and on his return visit, asked if they had been successful, to which the man replied. No, for all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my ****
Click to expand...

This might have been funnier if the doctor had prescribed some suppositories.
 
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me auld pal, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "Hey, no probs God, me old Supreme Being, Anything you want. After all, you're the Man".

God, slightly taken aback at the over-familiarity in Noah's tone, interrupts. "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yeah, well sort of; this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah, "You did say fish, righ' Your Budness?"

"Yep, fish. Well, to be more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of carp?".

"Check".

"But why, Your Godness, why?" asks the perplexed Noah, slowly but surely seeing his visions of a long, lazy retirement with Mrs. Noah in the new apartments on top of Mount Ararat fading.
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. . .(wait for it) . . .
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Anticipation builds . . .
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The tension is unbearable . . .
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"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

Sorry folks - I misread the thread title, I thought it said "Re: Yet another carp joke..."
 
As usual, you excel at the general narrative enough to reduce the groan factor of the punchline.
 
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