Wife Wants Separation and for me to move out

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Paddy2000

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Jointly with my wife I have a Mortgage in Dublin for the next 25 years (We paid mortgage for the past 7 years) and we have a lovely daughter of 6 years old. We both work full times.
Because of our working schedule I look after our child in the morning: dressing, breakfast, bringing to school, etc..
She looks after our child in the evening: making dinner, picking her up from creche, put in bed, etc..
We have separate days off. When I am off our child is fully look after by me. When she is off our child is fully look after by her.
Both of us are sober.

Since she wants the separation she expect me (the male husband) to pack my bag and leave the family mortgaged home. Unfortunately, with my salary I can't afford a one bedroom apartment in Dublin, only a room in a shared house where I would have difficult to bring my young daughter as there are strangers in the house, shared common space, plus will need to find an accommodation where I am allowed by the tenants in charge to bring my daughter. Not everyone agrees to that.

Now I understand that usually the Irish court gives custody and family home to the mother.
So where, myself as husband-male I will end up living? Also living apart from the house or too far will destroy my day to day relationship with my child.
I am asking for advices as the only thing I can afford its legal aid which so far hasn't been very helpful
 
Don’t make any decisions before you get legal advice. If you are working full time it’s unlikely you will get legal aid . The initial consultation is usually not that expensive
 
I work full time nearly on the minimum salary. Same my wife. We both entitled to legal aid. The legal aid lawyer told me its up to the judge.
Yes, I am not moving out. Not that i have anywhere to go. Same for my wife.
 
If you are unable to agree a settlement between you, this could take anything up to 2 years to get to court.

If you are to continue living in the same property for that time, it would be a good idea to agree some house rules.

the Irish court gives custody and family home to the mother
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As you are married, joint custody is almost always ordered. Sole custody to either parent requires that one parent be deem unfit, it is (rightly) a very high bar.

So far as the family home goes, there are effectively just three options.

1. Property is sold now
2. One party buys out the other
3. Property is sold when youngest child reaches 18 (or 23 if in full time education).

In any settlement, the overriding concern is the welfare of any children.

I'd recommend mediation, it will help clarify your options.
 
DannyBoyD said:
If you are unable to agree a settlement between you, this could take anything up to 2 years to get to court.

If you are to continue living in the same property for that time, it would be a good idea to agree some house rules.



As you are married, joint custody is almost always ordered. Sole custody to either parent requires that one parent be deem unfit, it is (rightly) a very high bar.

So far as the family home goes, there are effectively just three options.

1. Property is sold now
2. One party buys out the other
3. Property is sold when youngest child reaches 18 (or 23 if in full time education).

In any settlement, the overriding concern is the welfare of any children.

I'd recommend mediation, it will help clarify your options.
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In my experience joint custody is not the norm.

The father (even the best of fathers) usually get every second weekend and one night a week, and then half of school holidays. They also end up paying maintenance and the mother keeps all the children's allowances.

The mother usually gets to keep the home (whether that involves an agreement that it is sold when the children are finished full time education or not), but she usually gets to stay in the home.

My advice to OP would be to not leave the home and to keep things as calm, polite and tension free as possible for your daughter. I can not understate how devastating this experience is for children if either parent starts acting like a d*ck. I speak from both personal experience and as a teacher seeing how it affects the children under my care.

Good luck OP. My heart goes out to you. Get a good lawyer.
 
I would also not recommend leaving the family home as you will be in a position where you cannot parent your daughter as well as you can now. In mediation you and your wife will be able to demonstrate that you parent your daughter equally so this is what you want going forward.

But there is no way you both can sell the current property and buy 2 bed properties each, given you are on minimum wage. So you both have to come up with other solutions. Your wives idea of you just leaving does not work at all so you both will need alternative ideas.
 
Moon Unit said:
The father (even the best of fathers) usually get every second weekend and one night a week, and then half of school holidays. They also end up paying maintenance and the mother keeps all the children's allowances.

The mother usually gets to keep the home (whether that involves an agreement that it is sold when the children are finished full time education or not), but she usually gets to stay in the home.
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In the case of a marriage split involving children, the court/judge prioritises the needs of the children when making decisions. So it's better to bear this in mind when talking about which spouse "gets" what. And it's even better, as suggested, to try meditation first and to hammer out some agreement on all matters (custody/access, living arrangements, assets/debts, maintenance, etc.) through negotiation involving the respective legal teams if possible. Often the worst case scenario is leaving it to a reluctant court/judge to make a unilateral decision on any or all matters. And forget about generalisations about what can happen in other/most cases and focus on the specifics of your own case. Every case has its own specific factors and doesn't always follow some template. I know, I've been there, and mine didn't.
 
Moon Unit said:
joint custody is not the norm
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Where a couple were married it is.

Sole custody to one parent means that the other parent has been declared unfit and has all parental rights removed.

It is a very high bar (rightly so) and generally requires medical / gardai / social worker reports / assessments etc.

Don't confuse custody with primary carer or access.
 
DannyBoyD said:
Where a couple were married it is.

Sole custody to one parent means that the other parent has been declared unfit and has all parental rights removed.

It is a very high bar (rightly so) and generally requires medical / gardai / social worker reports / assessments etc.

Don't confuse custody with primary carer or access.
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Apologies. I meant that both parents usually have joint guardianship but that the child/children will spend more time in the primary carer's house, which is usually the mother. I know of very very few truly 50/50 arrangements where the children spend equal time in both residences and no maintenance is paid, and hardly any which didn't involve the father having to leave the family home
 
Joint custody doesn't mean 50:
Paddy2000 said:
I am asking for advices as the only thing I can afford its legal aid which so far hasn't been very helpful
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On the purely financial aspects it might help, if possible, to post a Money Makeover so that people can give feedback on what might be feasible in terms of accommodation and provision for everybody post separation/divorce.

Key Post - Basic information required for the "Money Makeover" forum

It can be difficult, but please try to use a meaningful title in your thread For example "27 year old with mortgage arrears". You will get a much better and much more coherent answer if you give as much information as possible in your first post. For example, if you give your mortgage rate, it...
www.askaboutmoney.com
If there is any possibility that the overall situation can be thrashed out through meditation then you (both) should give that your best shot. If not then next best thing is through negotiation involving your respective legal teams. Leaving it to a court/judge to decide any or all issues should be avoided if at all possible. And they generally don't want to have to do this and will encourage both spouses to try to come to their own mutual agreement if at all possible.
 
FLAC: Free Legal Advice Centre are a not-for-profit organisation that provide some legal advice. They are entirely separate from legal aid.

They might be able to point you at legal advice or resources that are affordable. Link to their contact details here: FLAC
 
Obviously looking for accommodation in Dublin is a hell, and there's no sign of that changing for the next few years. If you're of limited means, moving out isn't an option.

It's far from ideal, but is the house (assuming it's a house) suitable to divide so you can have a separate space for yourself? Maybe by converting a garage or a garden room apartment. Either of those would save you money compared to paying Dublin rent.

You're rightly prioritising your daughter and your relationship with her. Hopefully your wife will do the same. What's best for your daughter is a good relationship with both parents.

It sounds like you and your wife hardly see each other anyway due to your schedules. That might make separating while staying in the same property easier.
 
The consensus will be to not leave the home and rightly so. However in my own circumstances I had to leave to maintain my mental health . It was incredibly stressful . Ultimately your spouse and child will remain in the family home and you will need to leave. It’s just how it goes in 99% of the cases . And bear in mind this could take years to resolve . For me moving out was by far the best option
 
Introuble83 said:
Ultimately your spouse and child will remain in the family home and you will need to leave. It’s just how it goes in 99% of the cases .
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I guess that I was in the 1% so but, admittedly, this wasn't the case in my situation...
Paddy2000 said:
Both of us are sober.
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Paddy2000 said:
Now I understand that usually the Irish court gives custody and family home to the mother.
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Introuble83 said:
And bear in mind this could take years to resolve .
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I agree, but if there is any chance of a mediated or negotiated agreement then that may expedite matters.
 
SquirrelChaser said:
It sounds like you and your wife hardly see each other anyway due to your schedules.
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The sad truth is that any marriage will struggle if the spouses rarely see each other properly while juggling the scheduling and time constraints that come with raising a family.

If there is any prospect, however dim, of saving the marriage by one or the other person switching jobs or starting anew career-wise, that would be infinitely preferable to a break-up.
 
Plus one to the above . If there is a millimeter of a chance of resolution chase it . The alternative is a stressful endeavor as you know
 
I don't think it's healthy for one party to a relationship to try to "save" that relationship when the other person has made it clear that as far as they're concerned it's over.

The end of any relationship is painful. Trying to force its continuation just makes it more painful.
 
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