Wife overspending on grocery shopping

POC said:
I have another older family member, who was at home full time. She never knew what her husband earned. She had access to money through cheque books etc, but had no idea of the big picture. She would worry if her husband made a big purchase, because she had no idea whether they could afford it. On the other hand, he would talk about his thriftiness regarding other purchases. So she was getting mixed messages. She was very sensible with money as it happens.
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I have seen this scenario on a number of occasions and think that it is a very cruel thing to do to anyone. Two different women that I knew were left totally unable to manage when their husbands died suddenly. In one case she spent all the money in a short number of years because of her lack of experience in handling finances. Offers of help or advice were refused through embarrassment.
 
It’s very unhealthy for couples not to be open and honest about money and what each party earns. It’s a partnership of equals with each person bringing different things to the table. When I was a trainee earning the square root of zip, my then girlfriend was the bigger earner. Swings and roundabouts.
 
fistophobia said:
I see this situation a lot. Its the "Latte factor". Look it up.

Somebody on here was posting about having 7K a month nett income, and only managing to save 5K / year. WTF?
With that sort of income, I would be stashing at least 5K / MONTH.
Theres only 2 options - you either earn more, or spend less. Most people are not able to change their income. Therefore, the defense game always wins.

OP, listen, do you want to be a mindless consumer drone, or take back control of your future?
I dont care what the reasons are for OP wife to be spending so much - tell ye, as a man I would not put up with this, for one minute.
I dont care what the consequences would be. When I see how hard it is to make a buck - this is after tax money you are never getting back.
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Amen

You trade your life for money but it seems like so many people just throw it away.

So many people with big incomes and barely a pot to piss in posting on this site.

I work with people who will be out for lunch and then get a carry out coffee to have back in the office despite having free coffee provided in work. All a big front for people only one or two generations out of the bog and a few missed paychecks from penury.

Op tell your wife to cop on and grow up.

Owen
 
There is a balance to be struck between being an inheritance providing machine for your kids and being reckless (in some people’s eyes).

I’m all for financial prudence, but life is also for living.

I can get free coffee at work, but I prefer to spend €6 a day to get something that I actually like. I couldn’t care less that compounded at 7% for the rest of my life that could be €X00,000.

A wise man once said to me “invest 1/3 of your spare cash, pay 1/3 of it off your mortgage, and then splurge the other 1/3”...let’s call a spade a spade, the splurging is the best part!
 
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Gordon Gekko said:
....I can get free coffee at work, but I prefer to spend €6 a day to get something that I actually like. I couldn’t care less that compounded at 7% for the rest of my life that could be €X00,000. ....
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Quick money saving tip ;)

Chip in with a few colleagues for a Nespresso machine. The capsules run between 36-42 cents each (and can be ordered online, then delivered to your door).
 
MrEarl said:
Quick money saving tip ;)

Chip in with a few colleagues for a Nespresso machine. The capsules run between 36-42 cents each (and can be ordered online, then delivered to your door).
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I got to say, a lot of times i get better espresso from a Nespresso machine than a street barista.
Add to that the near-zero maintenance, the speed and the decent price...

Those full-auto coffeemakers used to be made fun of, not anymore!
 
MrEarl said:
Quick money saving tip ;)

Chip in with a few colleagues for a Nespresso machine. The capsules run between 36-42 cents each (and can be ordered online, then delivered to your door).
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Hi Mr Earl,

I have one at home as it happens!

So at least I don’t spend much on coffee at weekends!

Cheers.
 
I highly recommend people read The Millionaire Next Door.

A very interesting point made in the book is expectation. If you are a partner of a big accountancy or law firm, you are expected to live in a big house, drive an expensive car, wear expensive suits. All high expenditure. But if you own a shop or a skip hire company, you can use the work van, wear jeans and boots etc, have a modest house etc. Yet you could be a multi millionaire.

This has a big effect on your kids too. Bring them up in a household with expensive tastes and exotic holidays etc and that is what they expect. Except they may not be as successful as their parent. So who finances their high demand lifestyle? Their parents.

Read the book, it's an eye opener.

Steven
http://www.bluewaterfp.ie (www.bluewaterfp.ie)
 
It’s a good book alright. However, it is possible to educate your kids so they understand that in order to have a good lifestyle, you have to work and/or study hard.
 
fistophobia said:
Two ways to deal with this;

Bring her away on a small break, and tell her you want to be able take more breaks together.
Spell out a romantic vision, and that by economising, you could achieve this.

Otherwise, fight fire with fire. Put money out of reach on salary day - Plough money into AVCs,
overpay the mortgage, or withdraw money randomly - tell her you have a gambling problem.
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It's a break away from her that I need. Married 28 years 2 children in their 20's both working. She worked a few jobs but never lasted in them except as a carer about 10 years ago but she packed it in after 4 years when they brought in those fetac courses, she reckoned that it would be too much for her to do the course. She smokes as well 30 a day. She is never satisfied always complaining about trivial things, you could say something as a joke and she'll pick it up wrong and make an argument out of it. Self employed so no set income and tax is paid in October so trying to put money aside for that is a problem.
 
SBarrett said:
This has a big effect on your kids too. Bring them up in a household with expensive tastes and exotic holidays etc and that is what they expect. Except they may not be as successful as their parent. So who finances their high demand lifestyle? Their parents.
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Gordon Gekko said:
However, it is possible to educate your kids so they understand that in order to have a good lifestyle, you have to work and/or study hard.
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A risk for any decent earner at the moment - how to instill the "value of money" concept into kids who in reality will never really want for things in their life... I guess that will be another parenting challenge !!

But agree with you both
 
A dolly mixture of replys if ever I read some.
Quite a few smart alecks, cowards and jokers, and then with some helpful responses from the less judgemental.

This is quite a serious issue with some households and telling them, they risk loosing half their property, may get a slap and so on, or just separate if they face up to reality, is pretty sad.

I think we all know some one who is less than cautious with money, don't understand the value of it, doesn't think it will ever dry up..

I'm surprised by your last post, I expected recent marriage, couple of kids, mortgage etc.

It can't have always been like this i would suspect.

Something has changed in her/your life resulting in this change of habit.

If it were me, I would bring her away for a quite weekend and Talk this out.
 
Why not seriously encourage her to take that QQI level 5 healthcare course? Go to some colleges with her. Actively take an interest in her taking a course.

She was interested in that area. Level 5 is challenging for some but a pathway for others.

I have met so many adults who felt they were not good enough for level 5. Many of them have now acquired masters degrees in university. (One of my current students told me during the week that he wants to go all the way to level 10 in Engineering! He has applied for a place in Trinity College. I believe he will achieve this.)

A little encouragement from you to do this might be the kick start to a more positive and happier life for your both as you approach a new phase in your lives together.

The courses run by ETBs are not as expensive as those run by private colleges. Fees for year about €700. (Cheaper than a week’s shopping) :)

Marion
 
jackswift said:
It's a break away from her that I need. Married 28 years 2 children in their 20's both working. She worked a few jobs but never lasted in them except as a carer about 10 years ago but she packed it in after 4 years when they brought in those fetac courses, she reckoned that it would be too much for her to do the course. She smokes as well 30 a day. She is never satisfied always complaining about trivial things, you could say something as a joke and she'll pick it up wrong and make an argument out of it. Self employed so no set income and tax is paid in October so trying to put money aside for that is a problem.
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At least you are open and honest, you dont try and sugarcoat stuff which is why you have got such a big response to your post. There is an awful lot of censorship nowadays people don't say straight out the issues affecting them. Some people on this site obviously earn big salaries so 800 euro on groceries is no big deal for them but for you it is an issue as your money is hard earned. Could you not sort of live seperate lives but still under one roof, you pay her x per week and let her look after herself, the family is reared so that is not an issue. Presumably you are not looking for her help on farm so then she needs to get a job and her own life.
 
Set a budget - we have a joint account, a set amount goes into it each month - that's the budget for groceries, diesel etc. Credit cards are a disaster for this as you're spending money you don't have.
 
jackswift said:
It's a break away from her that I need. Married 28 years 2 children in their 20's both working. She worked a few jobs but never lasted in them except as a carer about 10 years ago but she packed it in after 4 years when they brought in those fetac courses, she reckoned that it would be too much for her to do the course. She smokes as well 30 a day. She is never satisfied always complaining about trivial things, you could say something as a joke and she'll pick it up wrong and make an argument out of it. Self employed so no set income and tax is paid in October so trying to put money aside for that is a problem.
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Clearly the issues here are much more complex than budgeting alone (and this is not to diminish the importance of budgeting and the impact it has on your finances).

There have been a number of suggestions in the thread about how you might be able to manage the shopping outlay better - whether these are workable or not for you I have no idea, you will have to decide.Perhaps, your solicitor or accountant could advise further, if you choose this route.

But the bigger impression I have is that neither of you is satisfied, fulfilled or happy in the marriage as it is. As several posters have already indicated, I don't think a money forum is going to provide a solution to this. Even for starters, I have little doubt that there is considerably more complexity to the situation than we have at the moment - not only from your point of view but also from that of Mrs Swift and each of the two younger Swifts. If you are resigned to living out the rest of your life in this apparently sad state of affairs, then maybe you can look to at least containing the budget situation in isolation - although I don't know whether Mrs Swift will go along with this.

Otherwise, you need to think of where you might turn to for support. Might Mrs swift be depressed? I don't know. Might you be? Again I don't know. I do suspect that there is considerable anger and resentment there on both sides. Do you think that some form of better relationship is achievable - or has ever been there? If so, would you consider marriage counselling ? If not, would you consider counselling for yourself - or at least have you got someone sensible and wise you can call on for support in confidence - both for emotional support and to consider practically what you want to do? Might there be anything available through the farming organizations?

It is a very lonely place to be on your own - so I can understand you turning to a money forum. But I'm not sure if it is really the best place.

Best of luck with it - I hope you can find a way of making it better.
 
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