Wife’s Contribution to the Mortgage, Bills etc. while seeking a Divorce

Clubman I would agree with a lot of what you say up to a point,
Just to give you an example of a pitfall i have seen down trough the years where I worked is the main breadwinner male or female often get the short straw when it comes to having a good relationship with there Children,
often the finish up working long hours along with moving into accommodation not suitable to have children overnight stay, what was surprising and I thought strange was the outcome appeared to be linked to how informed they were before hiring solicitor and finished up locking themselves into a dead end parenting role that was next to inpossible to get out of once agreement was reached,

so the focus needs to be more about how both breadwinners as parents do not allow themselves to be disadvantage at the expense of the other former partner you will find often the main breadwinner due of work commitments and trying to do what is best for there Children often neglects this part when instructing solicitor, resulting in both parent and children losing out longterm,
 
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Cruzer123
There was a book published by Anne McLoughlin a good few years ago called Surviving ( A Personal Guide To Judicial Seperation in Ireland
It was published in 2004 by
TownHouse Dublin
THCH Ltd
Trinity House
Charleston Road
Ranelagh
Dublin
It gives valuable advice on the inportance of choosing the right solicitor, how to get the most out of there service
It was on Judicial seperation so a bit out of date , I think she may have followed in up with a newer book,
contents
Types of seperation Out of date we are now in 2025,
The right solicitor for you
Barristers
repesenting your self-acting lat litigation (I would keep well away from lay Litigant but it is covered)
Legal aid
How the courts work
What the courts can make judgments on
Other lessions I learned about the courts
Working out your finances
The maintenance myth
Access
Pre nuprial agreements
Paper work
Looking ahead
I suspect there are lots of other books Written since then,
 
bkenn14 said:
Clubman I would agree with a lot of what you say up to a point,
Just to give you an example of a pitfall i have seen down trough the years
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I didn't disagree with the utility of others' pitfalls and related advice. My point is that one couple's outcome is specific to their particular circumstances and is probably not relevant to any other couple's situation.
 
ClubMan said:
I didn't disagree with the utility of others' pitfalls and related advice. My point is that one couple's outcome is specific to their particular circumstances and is probably not relevant to any other couple's situation.
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Very well said
Which emphasizes that each partner is uniquely suited to present there prospective and advocate for themselves
the need to engage a solicitor who relates to them takes time to understand where they are coming from and let them know if they are going about it the correct or incorrect way,

Cruzer123 solicitor friend looks like the last person you would engage if you were trying to encourage mediation to resolve issues,
In most cases failing to engage in mediation will come against you in the end unless the other party try something foolish which gives them a get out of jail card,
 
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If you haven't started already you need to start today and put in place a system tracking all of your spending to your earnings, It will be brought up sooner than later you need to have all outgoings receipts ready at all times to back up claim, you say your partner has a top solicitor engaged top solicitors don't like getting cought out with incorrect information up in front of a judge,
Cruzer123 said:
Anyone have any thoughts regarding whether this arrangement is fair in the pre divorce stage and any ideas how I may go about changing it?
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Don't change or attempt to change anything right now, don't hand over a stick for someone else to beat you up with,
 
bkenn14 said:
In most cases failing to engage in mediation will come against you in the end unless the other party try something foolish which gives them a get out of jail card
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Ok, so she point blank refused the idea of couples therapy, she’s likely heading straight to a contested divorce with no offer of mediation. She said she won’t be dealing with me on anything and will be guided by her solicitor (despite saying last week whether or not she’s seen a solicitor is none of my business).

She’s single minded, rigid in her opinions and not for changing.

I suspect given she’s refused counselling she’ll refuse mediation. I say this because she’s very unhappy angry and hostile for no good reason.

If it plays out that she has refused mediation how will it “come against” her in the end other than increased costs which are being paid by a family member. I will end up paying my own costs which will no doubt be significantly higher due to the her lack of insight on processes available to her.

From what I’ve seen and heard I feel like I’m about to be dragged into a ridiculously expensive contested divorce when I’d rather just mediate & split everything 50, 50 and be done with it.
 
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Cruzer123 said:
I’m feel like I’m getting dragged into a contested divorce when I’d rather just split everything 50, 50 and be done with it.
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Engage a solicitor and explain to them that you're willing to do this.

I find it curious that the children don't really feature prominently in your posts given that they're presumably still minors (you mention school, school trips and exams) so their care, custody and access to both parents will be issues that need to be negotiated and dealt with - and arguably take precedence over purely financial/property matters.
 
ClubMan said:
I find it curious that the children don't really feature prominently in your posts given that they're presumably still minors (you mention school, school trips and exams)
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They’re in their late teens and I’m being purposely vague. Custody won’t be an issue whatsoever, they’ll land in whichever home they want I’d guess.

I suspect I’ll be relegated to the Dad that spends a couple of hours with them at the weekend or a trip to the movies during the week. This is one aspect that galls me, missing time at home with them & being with them 27 x 7. Two still have a lot of growing to do.
 
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Cruzer123 said:
, so she point blank refused the idea of couples therapy,
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You can go to counselling on your own; and you should really do so.
Cruzer123 said:
she’s likely heading straight to a contested divorce with no offer of mediation.
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1. Divorce can't be contested. As long as the criteria are met - legally married & living apart for 2 years, a divorce will be granted.

2. Settlement terms are a different issue. If you can't agree terms between you, then a judge will make the determination.
Cruzer123 said:
She said she won’t be dealing with me on anything and will be guided by her solicitor (despite saying last week whether or not she’s seen a solicitor is none of my business).
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That's probably a sensible choice. You should not try and have these discussions at home.

Btw - telling you something is "none of your business" is very different to denial. Equally unhelpful, but different.
Cruzer123 said:
..she’s very unhappy angry and hostile for no good reason.
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You may not understand it (or are chosing not to, I don't know) but it's clearly a perfectly good reason for your spouse.

In any event, thats no longer your concern.
Cruzer123 said:
... her lack of insight on processes available to her.
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From what you have posted here, your spouse is more clued in than you are right now.

Cruzer123 said:
...split everything 50, 50 and be done with it.
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It doesn't work that way.

Get counselling, get proper advice.
 
Cruzer123 said:
I suspect I’ll be relegated to the Dad that spends a couple of hours with them at the weekend or a trip to the movies during the wee
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only if you choose to be, It is a mistake a lot of Dads make, If your wish is for 50/50 Parenting making it known,
This opens up a new Discussion around providing the resources so you can provide 50/50 parenting which will bring both parties to the Mediation Table overworked judges expect things like that to be sorted in mediation,

Don't worry if the children don't at present want to stay with you 50% of the time you want the split of assets to leave you in a position if they change there minds to be able to offer then 50% or more time with you,
Getting Counselling on your own will do your case no harm,
 
bkenn14 said:
overworked judges expect things like that to be sorted in mediation,
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Not necessarily via mediation but often through negotiation by the spouses via their respective legal teams.

Mediation

Mediation helps you to resolve any disputes you may have in relation to Family Law issues. Learn more about what mediation is and where to find a mediator.
services.courts.ie
 
DannyBoyD said:
In any event, thats no longer your concern.
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It is my concern when it’s directed at me.
DannyBoyD said:
From what you have posted here, your spouse is more clued in than you are right now.
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And what give you that idea?

I might add we haven’t been separated for 4 months never mind 2 years, we don’t meet the criteria. We go on holiday together, cook for each other and spend a lot of time in each others company. Only a few months back I paid €15k for her elective dental treatment. If I had of known she was about to file for a divorce this wouldn’t have been the case.
 
I had a look at the link provided
word for word,
Mediation can help you resolve any disputes you may have in relation to key issues such as

Arrangments for your children,

Maintance

The family home

Money assets and pensions,

The OP expects to be relegated to a Dad who spends a few hrs with his kids at the weekend or a trip to the movies now and then
His partner may be thinking the same way right now, but if he makes his case and wish known he will get a 2025 version of family Law which may be an eye opener for both parties,

Cruzer 123
If she files for Divorce now not so sure you should put a spanner in the works, you will possibly get a Better deal while your kids are younger if you make your case correctly,
Also If you push it out another two years that in possibly 50% of an extra two years pension entitlements you are down if you have a private pension unless she has a larger pension than you

Speaking of pensions get financial advice from a Financial Advisor not a solicitor on what is best arrangements from your point of view if you have a pension,

Word in the street is where it is left up to the Court/Judge to impose terms they don't take too kindly to whoever is dragging there feet with the family court system backed up at present,

judges are well aware where one party is driving up cost by not engaging in negotiating
 
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bkenn14 said:
I had a look at the link provided
word for word,
Mediation can help you resolve any disputes you may have in relation to key issues such as
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Yes, but not every couple goes through mediation and many negotiate a settlement via their legal teams.

Edit: a quick Google suggests that it's very much the minority of separating or divorcing couples that go through mediation - possibly as low as 1% - with most negotiating settlements via their legal teams or depending on the court/judge to impose terms.
 
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@Cruzer123 - denial is not a river in Egypt.

Time to get real here; your life as you knew it is over, your marriage is dead.

Is this a rotten place to be in life? yes absolutely it is.

But you are not going to get out of this hellish place by blaming everyone else.

Get counselling, get advice.

What I find curious is that only a few months ago, you had decided that you wanted to end the marriage. And at that time, you clearly believed that you could establish you were separated & meet the criteria for divorce.

Thread 'Separation to start the Divorce Process' https://www.askaboutmoney.com/threads/separation-to-start-the-divorce-process.238792/
 
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