Wife’s Contribution to the Mortgage, Bills etc. while seeking a Divorce

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Cruzer123

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My wife is looking for a divorce and is refusing to attend counselling. She has seen a top solicitor, paid a retainer and due to children’s exams she is holding off serving documents. She has however denied this when asked but I’m fully aware this is the case.

We have been in separate bedrooms (due to my snoring & not a seperation) for years so I expect she will try and initiate a divorce over a separation.

For well over 2 decades I have paid the mortgage and every single bill including the weekly shopping. Lately this has consumed 80% of my earnings. Despite this she accuses me of financial control. Alas it was remiss of me to continue this arrangement for so long.

She earns well in excess of the average wage in Ireland. She is feckless with money and never has a penny saved with a live for today attitude.

To be fair to her she does pay for the children’s clothes (which the children interpret as her generosity) and the odd school trip. Some reading this will interpret these statements as sour grapes on my behalf but these are cold facts.

Given she is the one seeking a divorce is it appropriate to request that she now contributes to financially to the running of the household?

I have been told by a solicitor friend that it’s now time for her to “join the real world” & pay her share of 50% of the mortgage / bills although given there’s an income disparity this may be unfair.

I did request that she paid 50% of some bills earlier this year and her response was that I have always paid so should continue to.

I’m reluctant to see a solicitor, I live in hope on the basis she may change her mind and attend couples counselling with me.

Anyone have any thoughts regarding whether this arrangement is fair in the pre divorce stage and any ideas how I may go about changing it?
 
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Are you suggesting that the OP should move out and stop paying the mortgage?

(OP, don't do this. Your wife has already seen a solicitor, and has declined to go to counselling. It's time for you to see a solicitor and you should certainly do that before you do anything as drastic as either moving out or stopping paying the mortgage.)
 
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TomEdison said:
Your wife has already seen a solicitor,
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Note: OPs spouse has denied this is the case

OP has zero respect for their partner; tells us they have children almost in passing, sole concern here is the contribution to the household income. In my reading of the OPs post they have failed to communicate for years.

Most couples with children will confirm the overwhelming majority of their income is spent on their family. I don't see the OP being in any way unusual in that respect.

Again, this is a toxic environment for the adults and children involved; perpetuating it for any longer will only make things worse.
 
DannyBoyD said:
OP has zero respect for their partner; tells us they have children almost in passing, sole concern here is the contribution to the household income.
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Thanks for then reply Danny, on a couple of points you made.

Firstly on zero respect for my wife. I do have concerns relating to her use of money which I have never managed to address at all during our marriage. I wouldn’t call it zero respect although she is being very hostile towards me currently and it’s certainly progressing towards a lack of respect.

On communication, I did have a relatively normal functioning marriage albeit without her affection.

We had a lot of holidays and the family dynamic functioned well. I was disappointed with her lack of financial contributions or control but I swept it under the carpet.

Yes you are correct on one point, the sole concern here is my contribution today vs hers since she wants out. Our house is big enough to avoid each other, and our both our jobs involve significant travel so the house is not the pressure cooker one might think. Yes we have children and I am not trying to hide the fact here.

Before anyone bails in I am a hands on Dad and contribute my fair share to household duties, drop offs etc.

I do have respect for my partner, she is a hard worker, great mother and I love her. I suggested counselling many times which she is point blank refusing to engage in.

The core issue today is my wife has assumed I will keep her in the lifestyle she is accustomed to while planning a new life without me while keeping her income for herself.
 
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You believe your spouse is a liar, you accuse them of being "feckless" with money, "never has a penny saved" (though some how has paid a retainer to a Solicitor).

You are seeking to punish your spouse "pay 50% ..although .. this may be unfair" for, in your belief, "planning an alternative life".

You don't actually know what your spouse is assuming; divorce rarely leaves anyone better off, least of all the primary carer.

Your marriage is dead, get yourself to counselling & work on making your own future.
 
TomEdison said:
It's time for you to see a solicitor and you should certainly do that before you do anything as drastic as either moving out or stopping paying the mortgage
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Totally agree with this advice.

This sort of thing is no substitute for proper professional advice:
Cruzer123 said:
I have been told by a solicitor friend that it’s now time for her to “join the real world” & pay her share of 50% of the mortgage / bills although given there’s an income disparity this may be unfair.
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DannyBoyD said:
You believe your spouse is a liar, you accuse them of being "feckless" with money, "never has a penny saved" (though some how has paid a retainer to a Solicitor).
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A family relative has paid the retainer. She has lied regarding seeing a solicitor, there is no question. I don’t feel she is liar in relation to anything else.
DannyBoyD said:
You are seeking to punish your spouse "pay 50% ..although .. this may be unfair" for, in your belief, "planning an alternative life".
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I am seeking fairness not to punish her.
DannyBoyD said:
You don't actually know what your spouse is assuming; divorce rarely leaves anyone better off, least of all the primary carer.
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I can only go on what she has said and that is she wants a divorce.

I posted this to seek opinions on whether it was appropriate to be expected to pay in full for everything given my circumstances. All you have contributed is conjecture regarding your assumptions on the state of my marriage.

“Haven’t communicated in years”
“Zero respect for his spouse”
“Toxic environment”

I have never said any of this.
 
Cruzer123 said:
I posted this to seek opinions on whether it was appropriate to be expected to pay in full for everything given my circumstances.
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It may be appropriate and fair for each spouse to contribute financially and in other ways to the running of the household according to their means, but if she isn't going to do this now then there's not much that you can do to force her. If/when divorce proceedings are initiated then any imbalance in terms of financial contributions to the running of the household will be made clear when you do your respective affidavits of means. It's the nature of relationship breakdown and divorce that either or both parties will very likely consider aspects of the situation unfair. It's a difficult situation. Talk to a solicitor.
 
Cruzer123 said:
given my circumstances.
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What circumstances? You are still married, living at home with your spouse and children.

You've supported your family financially for 20 years, your spouse says they want a divorce so now you want to withdraw your support.

Seriously - go to counselling, thats the best advice I can give you.
 
The question you actually asked is . . .
Cruzer123 said:
his arrangement is fair in the pre divorce stage
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"Pre-divorce stage" is an interesting concept. In the first place, your wife (I gather) denies that she is planning to divorce you, so you certainly won't be able to negotiate any changes to the family finances on the basis that this a divorce is imminent. More generally, there's isn't a well-understood concept of a "pre-divorce stage" that deserves its own financial arrangements. Financial arrangements between a couple are usually settled in the context of a divorce/separation, rather than being settled in advance of/in anticipation of a divorce or separation.

You say that "due to children’s exams she is holding off serving documents", which presumably means you expect them to be served in, say, July. Given that the current financial arrangements, however unsatisfactory they are, have persisted for many years, letting them run for another three months or so isn't going to make a huge difference, in the scheme of things. I don't think you should focus on this, but think instead about the coming divorce.

I think, as I said before, that you should talk to a lawyer — not informally, to a "lawyer friend" — but in the context of a lawyer/client relationship in whcih you are instructing the lawyer and they are advising you. You believe your wife has already done this; the lawyer will presumably have advised her about what kind of financial arrangements she can expect, in the event of a contested divorce. You should get similar advice so that, when the two of you do start talking, you are as well-equipped as she is for the negotiation.
 
Cruzer123 said:
I’m reluctant to see a solicitor
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I would get unreluctant, if I were you.
Cruzer123 said:
I live in hope on the basis she may change her mind and attend couples counselling with me.
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I would continue trying to pursue this avenue, but talking to a solicitor and laying out bare facts and realities is a lot better than crossing your fingers and coming on here for people to offer you judgement on your words or actions.
 
Take TomEdison and Clubman good advice and don't be put off by what others post,
If it was my good self who was in your position at this stage I would not change any of the existing financial Arrangements seeing her angle seems to suggest Financial control and yet will not attend counselling with you
to trash out any misunderstandings both of ye might have,
So take toms advice the sooner the better and see a solicitor,

It may be a very good Idea to start a new tread inviting posters who have already engaged a solicitor to share there outcomes with you including any pitfalls or mistakes the made along the way,
 
bkenn14 said:
It may be a very good Idea to start a new tread inviting posters who have already engaged a solicitor to share there outcomes with you including any pitfalls or mistakes the made along the way,
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Whatever about sharing pitfalls/mistakes, I don't think that it reallymakes much sense to share outcomes because each couple's case and situation is different and it's difficult to draw any conclusions from another couple's outcome.
 
Cruzer123 said:
A total misrepresentation of the situation but let’s leave it there.
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Can I suggest you attend counselling yourself. At a min a counsellor may give you tools to deal with whatever may unfold. I would also suggest you visit a solicitor if for nothing else to get some advice on where you stand etc. You have to protect yourself not in an aggressive way but in a precautionary manner.

Separation/divorce etc can have significant negative impacts on family dynamics. It should never be a blame game by either side to the determent of the children (irrespective of their ages).
 
I am in divorce proceedings at present so will give you first hand experience. You need legal advice regardless of whether you think you can afford it it’s absolutely essential., personally I left the family home as it was a toxic environment. By all means stay it’s definitely the general consensus but you’re entitled to a life and to be happy . You need to move away from how you feel , forgot blame etc . The solicitors focus on the facts and numbers only. Regarding finances you have a joint responsibility to support the family . Maintain your mental health and in particular your employment. Be carful whose advice to take . Again , go to a solicitor immediately
 
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