Now now - I have an alternative!
The Good Husband’s Guide
• Have dinner ready. It’s 2007, we know you can cook. Watch Emeril. You should plan ahead, to have a tasty but calorie-appropriate meal ready, on time for her return home. This is a way of letting her know that, not only do you treasure her, but that you aren’t just a worthless, lazy, video-game playing pig.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to chill out so you’ll be energized when she arrives. Touch up your deodorant, wash your face and shave, and for god’s sake run a comb through your hair. She’s just spent all day with a bunch of pot-bellied chumps and wilting hags. The least you could do is not remind her of them with your stained t-shirt and dirty socks.
• Stop *****ing and try to talk about something other than the episode of Family Guy you sat on your ass and watched today. Her day was at least more interesting than yours, but you can do better than that.
• Clean up after yourself. Go through the house, pick up dirty diapers, your nasty socks and empty beer bottles, and show her that you’re capable of not littering her house with your man-debris.
• Gather up toys (yours AND the kids’), schoolbooks, scrap-paper, etc. Feed the dog, and spray some Febreeze.
• During the cold months of the year, you should turn on the heater and warm up the house for her. Stop complaining that she’s “always cold” or that “the heater gives you allergies.” Bull****. And if you get too hot, you can always go outside.
• Get the kids ready. Make them wash their sticky little hands and brush their hair. If you screwed up and let them play in the dirt, change their clothes. Remember that all you did to make them was have an orgasm—she had to be pregnant, take time off of work, push the *******s out and suckle them. You’re incredibly lucky to have such a wonderfully amazing wife who was strong enough to do that. Don’t make her regret it.
• Make it quiet. Turn off your cell phone and your Xbox. Tell the kids to shush. Her head is probably killing her from listening to idiots all day—she shouldn’t have to do it at home, too.
• At least pretend that you’re happy to have her home.
• Greet her with a smile and a compliment. Notice her new shoes or hairstyle. Maybe have some flowers ready, in case you’ve done something stupid to **** her off.
• Listen to her. Yeah, we know it’s hard for you. You might have a million things you want to say, or maybe you don’t feel like hearing her conversation. Too bad. Let her talk- remember, her conversation is more intelligent and probably more accurate than yours.
• Make the evening hers. Don’t complain if she comes home late or goes out with her girlfriends or other events without you. Instead, understand her fast-paced world of stress and strain, and her need to come home and relax.
• Your goal: make your home a world of quiet, tranquil cleanliness, where your wife can replenish her energy without worrying that the whole world is her responsibility.
• Don’t even try to greet her with your petty complaints or problems. They’re nothing compared to hers.
• Don’t ***** if she’s home late for dinner, or even if she stays out all night. Count this as a blessing—now you have more time to fix everything up, since you probably procrastinated.
• Make her comfortable. Have her lie down on the couch or in the bedroom, and bring the girl a cocktail.
• Arrange her pillow and offer to give her a good, long massage. Try not to talk too much.
• Don’t ask her questions about her actions, judgment or integrity. Remember, she is the mistress of the house and if she wants to keep you in the dark, she has valid reasons for doing so. You have no right to question her, especially after some of the crap you’ve pulled.
• A good husband always knows his place.
mf
