Wedding Costs

HelloJed said:
I agree that people have different standards of what is considered polite. But like not dressing appropriately for the occasion, not turning up on time and disrupting the proceedings, telling people what to get them without being asked first is not acceptable ettiquette.

I reckon if I did any of the above things at your wedding you would think I was rude (regardless of whether I thought it wasn't). And I wouldn't think you were repressed for thinking that. Weddings are very controlled occasions, rife with ettiquette rules for guests. The wedding party should follow their ettiquette side of the bargain too, regardless if whether they think it's repressed!

So yep - err on the side of caution because your guests will be doing the same I hope!
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The things you say are true but there is a subtle difference between social ettiquette (i.e., how to dress and behave appropriately at a social event that has reasonably well defined social 'rules' and 'constraints') and what people consider rude in behaviour that happens in 'private' (like receiving a wedding invitation which is effectively a private transaction between a couple and an individual or another couple).

So turning up to someones wedding in jeans and a tee-shirt will not only offend the bride and groom but also many other guests (maybe) but reading an invite that states cash only offends you and only you - in private (well until you tell others I guess).
The point Im trying to get at is this - behaviour in public or at a social event is defined by cultural norms and societies definition of 'acceptable behaviour', behaviour that happens in private between people is generally defined by some amount of cultural norm but also by the relationship between the two people and what is acceptable in that context. Like you'd talk about your sex life with your best friend but not with your mother perhaps? Do you see what I mean?

So perhaps the people who send out the cash only invites feel that their relationship with their guests is such that this is acceptable behaviour from them. Presumably people invite guests to their wedding that they have a relationship of some description with?

I with you on the idea of ettiquette - but Id be more inclined to state 'formal attire' on the invites if it was going to be an issue for me.

As for the point you are making - its manners to wait til youre asked - yes it is better manners in some contexts - are weddings going in a different contextual direction though?
 
Sure, you make some good points there truthseeker. You're right, the invites with request for particular gifts and/or cash would only be rude 'in private'.

But my main point still stands - I think that requesting gifts or cash before being approached first is rude, regardless of my relationship with them. The principle is that gifts are voluntary, not obligatory. (For example I wouldn't even tell my best mate or mother what to get me for my birthday/xmas present before they asked me what I wanted, and I have a very close relationship with them both!)

Even for a wedding, it is just presumptuous and frankly smacks of greed to me.

But each to their own!
 
portboy said:
'm sorry, but you cant do a 'proper' wedding on €8k. Like most things a good wedding costs money and yes a good wedding is made by friends and family being there but they will be much happier in a nice venue eating good food and sipping nice wine than in a back-street pub eating cocktail sausages
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Evening [broken link removed].
 
well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself :) We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there. We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests. We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there. But that's just us :)
 
HelloJed said:
Sure, you make some good points there truthseeker. You're right, the invites with request for particular gifts and/or cash would only be rude 'in private'.

But my main point still stands - I think that requesting gifts or cash before being approached first is rude, regardless of my relationship with them. The principle is that gifts are voluntary, not obligatory. (For example I wouldn't even tell my best mate or mother what to get me for my birthday/xmas present before they asked me what I wanted, and I have a very close relationship with them both!)

Even for a wedding, it is just presumptuous and frankly smacks of greed to me.

But each to their own!
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Ah yes - I understand you - I have a different relationship with my own best friend (and some family members, other friends etc..) where we would all ask for something specific for xmas/birthday without waiting to be asked - its just the nature of our relationships with each other - no one would see it as rude. So perhaps because Im 'used' to that type of social interaction I see it as less of an issue?

I would be more inclined to think (whether it be seen as rude or not) that there is a certain practicality in not wanting guests to spend their money on gifts that wouldnt be used, or would be wasted. So I dont think its necessarily greed that drives it (maybe it is in some cases).

I think overall unless you have a relationship with an invitee that allows for such requests it could very easily be construed as distasteful to actually request 'cash gifts'. Wedding lists are probably a step below that - but still a possibility of causing offence?
I may not be offended by either - but clearly others may be and it is important to consider the feelings of others if you expect them to consider yours on the big day.

What about asking your guests to make a donation to a particular charity instead of giving you a wedding gift - do you think that that makes it seem like a fundraising event or that it is a nice idea?
 
pc7 said:
well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself :) We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there. We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests. We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there. But that's just us :)
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congrats pc7!!
 
pc7 said:
well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself :) We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there. We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests. We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there. But that's just us :)
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You are still high on love. Think of the cash!! :)

Congrats.
 
HelloJed said:
Nothing wrong with being Irish! ;) I've had a few invites saying cash only by the way.

It's just ettiquette - just like you expect people to turn up dressed appropriately and not wearing jeans and a t-shirt. (Who knows, maybe you don't mind?) And that your guests turn up on time and don't disrupt the proceedings. I accept gifts with (I hope) humility - in other words I don't tell people what to buy me when inviting them!

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree! But I'm not hung up on giving people cash. But I think it is more polite to wait until you are asked first before you tell someone what you want, that's all! (I keep repeating this I know, but it's a valid point!)
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I got an invitation last year that said "no Coast dresses please ladies". it didn't state if the gentlemen could wear them!!
 
do you think I could put no clothes please on my invites???? now that would make for an interesting day to say the least :)
 
no clothes and cash only please - if the wad of cash is particularly large then stuff it into whatever orifice is relevant seeing as you'll have no pockets :)
 
Ah yes - I understand you - I have a different relationship with my own best friend (and some family members, other friends etc..) where we would all ask for something specific for xmas/birthday without waiting to be asked - its just the nature of our relationships with each other - no one would see it as rude. So perhaps because Im 'used' to that type of social interaction I see it as less of an issue?

Sure, that makes sense.

I would be more inclined to think (whether it be seen as rude or not) that there is a certain practicality in not wanting guests to spend their money on gifts that wouldnt be used, or would be wasted. So I dont think its necessarily greed that drives it (maybe it is in some cases).

Like I said before, I think wedding lists are practical. I just think they should be provided when asked for, not as a 'shopping list' with an invite.

I think overall unless you have a relationship with an invitee that allows for such requests it could very easily be construed as distasteful to actually request 'cash gifts'. Wedding lists are probably a step below that - but still a possibility of causing offence?

Again, just to make it clear - I don't have a problem with cash gifts or wedding lists. I don't think people should be asking for any gifts, cash or otherwise, with their invites. If you have a relationship with your invitees where you know that they won't think it's rude then it's a moot point.

I may not be offended by either - but clearly others may be and it is important to consider the feelings of others if you expect them to consider yours on the big day.

Yep. Mind you it wouldn't hurt my feelings if I got a wedding list with an invite, I'd just think it tacky not to wait until I've asked them. Tackiness is a difficult one to define, but giving someone a list of stuff to buy you before they ask you if they can get you a present is going down that road!

What about asking your guests to make a donation to a particular charity instead of giving you a wedding gift - do you think that that makes it seem like a fundraising event or that it is a nice idea?

Again, I don't mind if I give cash to the couple or cash to a charity. But putting it on the invite does mean you're automatically assuming that people are going to give you gifts.

When you're inviting people to your wedding you're asking them to witness and celebrate your union of love and commitment. Isn't then listing what you want them to get you a little tacky? I mean, you'd never include a list of gifts that you'd like in a Christmas card right? (Except for a letter to Santa of course!) ;)
 
Its the implied assumption that 'youre giving me a gift so heres what id like' that is the issue here as opposed to what the gift is.

No - it would be most unusual to include your xmas list in an xmas card!!

But - often funeral notices state 'donations to charity' or 'no fresh flowers' so theres an implied assumption there too that seems to be socially acceptable?

Tackiness is definitely a difficult one to define - my idea of tacky might be someone elses idea of great style!!
 
Truthseeker - I think funeral notices are different because even if fresh flowers were sent, no one would be 'benefiting' directly from it - so I think it's perfectly acceptable for the deceased's family to ask for donations.

It all comes down to the 'gimme gimme' aspect of our discussion. If you send a list or request for money with an invite, you risk looking like the gifts and money you receive are as important as the day itself - which isn't the case for the majority, but for some it can be!

I was invited to six weddings last year, all of them distant relatives or friends-of-friends, and I worked out that I probably would have spent 500-800 each time on transport, accommodation, hen night (travel and accommodation with that too) drinks and a gift. Maybe even more. (I also am a contractor so I don't get paid for days off, and they all seem to be on a week day!) I couldn't attend most of them as I just can't afford it (but always sent a present) but each time I saw a wedding list or a cash request with an invite I wondered about their priorities. I'm a generous gift-giver - I'd just like the invite to be free of the gimmees!

Anyway I reckon we are on the same page - in the end the most important thing is that have a great wedding day!
 
Yeah - good chatting about it.

I totally see where you are coming from, i may feel a little differently in my reaction to what other people do - but the clincher is I wouldnt state cash or send a wedding list myself!!! so what does that tell you eh?? (sure wouldnt you know im well mannered :)

I certainly hear you on the expense for guests - particularly if you have to go to the hens as well. I went to a large number of weddings one year there recently (maybe 2004 or 2005) and between hens weekends, wedding days and associated travel - i only ended up with 5 days holidays left for myself for the whole year!! Not to mention the cost (mind you same dress/accessories was worn by me to 4 of them and then another set to the other 3).
 
pc7 said:
well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself :) We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there. We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests. We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there. But that's just us :)
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We planned small too, best of luck with that! you'd be surprised how many people ye both know. About the random aunts and uncles, both sets of parents will have to have certain people there. they will break ye down, trust me.
My sister got married and said on the invites that guests presence was all they wanted. All but one couple gave something!

I was at a wedding and when they sent out the invites, there was a wedding gift list that included a 52" TV. Now thats extracting the urine;)
 
Why don't ye all just live together and spend your money on something fabulous, like decking or a 'round-the-world trip? :)
 
truthseeker said:
Yeah - good chatting about it.

I totally see where you are coming from, i may feel a little differently in my reaction to what other people do - but the clincher is I wouldnt state cash or send a wedding list myself!!! so what does that tell you eh?? (sure wouldnt you know im well mannered :)

I certainly hear you on the expense for guests - particularly if you have to go to the hens as well. I went to a large number of weddings one year there recently (maybe 2004 or 2005) and between hens weekends, wedding days and associated travel - i only ended up with 5 days holidays left for myself for the whole year!! Not to mention the cost (mind you same dress/accessories was worn by me to 4 of them and then another set to the other 3).
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It was good chatting about it! Much better than working ;)

It's all good though - most of the weddings I've been too have been brilliant. In fact, the best ones have been the 'budget' ones - where the bride and groom haven't broken the bank and killed themselves worrying about the flowers, bridesmaid dresses, cake etc - they've just wanted to have a good time with their friends and family and enjoy the occasion. It's their big day after all!
 
DaveJones your right we went out last night for dinner and to think about options, i can keep my side small bf can't! Think Rome is on the cards again, that way its just really close friends and family and the small intimate affair we both want. Only downside is putting expense on people to travel but if we do decide on Rome we'll do our best to cover as much for people as possible. Phew this wedding lark is hard work :)
 
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