To work or not to work , baby due , what to do ! !

[truthseeker]

my wife and I rear our children not the local creche. we made a lot of sacrifices when we decided to have children. I have given up a lot in my career for our children. I have turned down opportunities to work abroad or sacrificed obvious promotion as I will not work huge hours over time because i want to see my children.

How wonderful for you - not everyone has that luxury, some people dont have careers, they just work for an hourly rate.

you make that choice when you decide to have children.
we have sacrificed many things because children come first.

Not all children are had by choice, and not everyone would agree children come first, IMO the family unit as a whole comes first, and if that means that economically both parents have to work or for the sake of sanity the woman decides to go to work - then so be it. Sacrificing a womans choices for the sake of children will end up with unhappy women AND children.

I can totally understand why women may decide to return to the workforce when their child reaches school going age, its the women that have children and cant wait to abandon them at some creche door the minute their maternity leave finishes. the women who comment like bronte that they "dont want to spend the day with their children" i see this as repugnant and wonder why these women bothered having children at all.

Dont you think that some women had children because they want to have a family that they will enjoy in later life - not everyone loves babies!
And perhaps other women had children due to pressure from their husband or family about biological clocks ticking etc...
And other women had children because they became pregnant due to contraception failure.

Its not as black and white as you seem to think it is.

as another poster commented what about the childs rights in all this.

What about the womans rights in all of this?

 

[Thrifty1]

I have turned down opportunities to work abroad or sacrificed obvious promotion as I will not work huge hours over time because i want to see my children.

But thats only part of your career you expect a woman to sacrifice her WHOLE career.
I too will not work somewhere thats a long commute, or long working hours, that my sacrifice, the same as yours, why are you better?

What if your wife wanted to go back to work and asked you to sacrifice your career until the children are school going age, how would you feel?
Your situation works for you but you need to understand it wont work for everyone, that doesnt make you right or better.
I think if the family home is stable and both parents are happy the child will be happy.

 

[Purple]

the women who comment like bronte that they "dont want to spend the day with their children" i see this as repugnant and wonder why these women bothered having children at all.

What about the men who don't want to spend the day with their children? Is that repugnant as well?

 

[Diziet]

What about the men who don't want to spend the day with their children? Is that repugnant as well?

I was wondering about that as well... One would think that 'mothers' make the children all by themselves

 

[jubi]

Hi all
boy did i open a can of worms about working or staying at home. My major gripe through all this is that we have sacrificed our childrens welfare in order to be politically correct. I made choices and i take responsibility for those choices. Today we all want our happy fulfilled lives but so what if our kids have to be shunted into second place. We are the adults here and as such a little bit of sacrifice wont kill us but it may harm our children emotionally if we continue to harp on about our rights without accepting with rights come responsibilty. People are attacking me for being a kept woman hey I am not kept at all I earn every last penny of MY MONEY. I am confident that what I do cannot be replicated by anybody else hence my self esteem comes from my WORK within the home. We have been fed this notion that in order to be equal we must behave like men. I want women to have equal pay, make their choices regarding contraception, domestic violence to be treated the same as assulting somebody in the street. I want women to be valued for staying at home and not be treated like brainless morans who are only fit to stay at home with their children, Guess who criticize women for staying at home, OTHER women not men. What I dont want is to drink 12 pints, take risks with my sexual health and belch in public and think it is hilarious, Is this what our previous generations of woman fought I dont think so.

 

[micheller]

Firstly, I just want to agree with another poster in that it's a personal decision which no one should try to sling mud at the other 'side' for.

But I cannot believe the amount of posters inferring that staying at home= no life, no achievement, no challenge. I find it bizarre.
I worked for 12 years, bettering myself and enjoyed every minute of that stage of my life. When I had the twins I switched gear to a different stage. I still read, have adult company, watch films and enjoy varied discourse. As well as watching ' In the night garden' and singing silly songs

But that is my choice now. Talk of this feminist sisterhood is quite old to me, I shouldn't have to have a career to uphold the strides made by women before me. It is a totally individual choice. The same way that if I wanted to head back to my career as soon as my basic Maternity leave was up- that would also be my choice. I really don't get why we have to have a competition to see who's best at parenting.

Anyway, just another slant...

 

[Diziet]

But that is my choice now. Talk of this feminist sisterhood is quite old to me, I shouldn't have to have a career to uphold the strides made by women before me. It is a totally individual choice. The same way that if I wanted to head back to my career as soon as my basic Maternity leave was up- that would also be my choice. I really don't get why we have to have a competition to see who's best at parenting.

Anyway, just another slant...

Well said - it is a totally individual choice. What is right for one person and their circumstances is not necessarily right for another. And in many cases it is not the stark choice of 'career vs children' but a mix of approaches by both parents, which changes over time.

 

[Purple]

Jubi & Micleller, I agree completely that parents (mothers or fathers) who stay at home to mind their children are of no less value to society and in no way should they be looked down on. That said I also hope that we have moved passed the misogynistic view that a woman’s place is in the home. The point I was making in my last post is that it is not OK for people to criticise women who choose to work either.

 

[michaelm]

it is a totally individual choice. What is right for one person and their circumstances is not necessarily right for another. And in many cases it is not the stark choice of 'career vs children' but a mix of approaches by both parents, which changes over time.

Who could argue with this? Not I.

However, I think it's also hard to dispute that the best situation for a young child (up to maybe 30 months) is to be at home with it's mother. That may not be PC, or gel with peoples 'careers', but it is what it is.

 

[Diziet]

Who could argue with this? Not I.

However, I think it's also hard to dispute that the best situation for a young child (up to maybe 30 months) is to be at home with it's mother.

Or father. Or grandparents. Or really any loving adult who provides continuity and affection. What they do not need is to be messed about - they need love and structure.

 

[truthseeker]

However, I think it's also hard to dispute that the best situation for a young child (up to maybe 30 months) is to be at home with it's mother. That may not be PC, or gel with peoples 'careers', but it is what it is.

Only if the mother wants to be at home minding a baby. If she doesnt then its not going to create a happy and loving environment for anyone.

 

[michaelm]

Only if the mother wants to be at home minding a baby. If she doesnt then its not going to create a happy and loving environment for anyone.

That child really landed on it feet .

 

[michaelm]

Or father. Or grandparents. Or really any loving adult who provides continuity and affection. What they do not need is to be messed about - they need love and structure.

Tell yourself whatever you need. Do you realise the hours a trainee Solicitor will have to put in to succeed?

 

[truthseeker]

That child really landed on it feet .

We dont live in an ideal world, women suffer post natal depression, dont bond with a new baby, are not maternal by nature but would like a family around them when the children are no longer children, want the extra money that her job pulls in (perhaps she wants to set up a trust fund for her childs future?), feels isolated in the home alone with a small child, resents that she is not out earning her own money, has a husband or partner who is stingy with the cash, cant step away from her career for too long without losing out on some good opportunity, may be in a position that her skills will be out of date if she stays off for 30 months and she will be unemployable, may need to meet study deadlines......

Theres loads of reasons a woman might not want to stay at home.

 

[Diziet]

Tell yourself whatever you need. Do you realise the hours a trainee Solicitor will have to put in to succeed?

I honestly don't give a monkey's about what a trainee solicitor needs or does not need to do. Unless you want to restrict the debate to parents who also are trainee solicitors .

Everybody has choices, including the choice of how many hours to work, which of course affects their career options. I personally think that the long hours mentality is particularly damaging to family life.

I don't personally 'need' to tell myself anything; I, like most parents, do the best I can for my children within my means and within my long term plans.

 

[Sherman]

What I dont want is to drink 12 pints, take risks with my sexual health and belch in public and think it is hilarious, Is this what our previous generations of woman fought I dont think so.

This comes close to being the most bizarre thing I have ever seen on AAM (and that takes some doing).

What on earth are you talking about? Are you equating the types in your quote above with working mothers?

 

[jubi]

Hi Sherman

If this is one of the most Bizarre things you have read on aam what a sheltered life you must lead. Are you a stay at home mum lol. With regard to the comment I made I was merely stating that all the positive things I pointed out to do with equality still need to be worked at but the negative aspects of so called equality are plainly seen everyday of the week. Further your comment does this apply to working mothers unfortunately in many cases it does especially the binge drinking. I have friends who work and they drink loads at the weekend and say I am entilted I have been busy all week.

 

[truthseeker]

Hi Sherman

If this is one of the most Bizarre things you have read on aam what a sheltered life you must lead. Are you a stay at home mum lol. With regard to the comment I made I was merely stating that all the positive things I pointed out to do with equality still need to be worked at but the negative aspects of so called equality are plainly seen everyday of the week. Further your comment does this apply to working mothers unfortunately in many cases it does especially the binge drinking. I have friends who work and they drink loads at the weekend and say I am entilted I have been busy all week.

Jubi - Ive read and reread this post and I am totally lost. What on earth has binge drinking got to do with being a working mother? A binge drinker is a binge drinker no matter what the personal circumstances! Stay at home mothers can be alcoholic. I fail to see what point youre making here? How is alcoholism or binge drinking a part of equality between the sexes? And how does it have anything to do with whether or not a woman chooses to stay at home and raise children?

 

[micheller]

Further your comment does this apply to working mothers unfortunately in many cases it does especially the binge drinking. I have friends who work and they drink loads at the weekend and say I am entilted I have been busy all week.

That is a huge generalisation. I often say that I'm going to have few glasses of wine at the wknd cos I've had a tough week here at home with the guys! If anything getting out socially regularly has become more important to me because Im at home all week.
I wouldn't say you could align drinking and working habits to be honest.

 

[michaelm]

I honestly don't give a monkey's about what a trainee solicitor needs or does not need to do. Unless you want to restrict the debate to parents who also are trainee solicitors .

Sorry, my mistake, I was mixing up your posts with Thirfty1's.

Everybody has choices, including the choice of how many hours to work, which of course affects their career options. I personally think that the long hours mentality is particularly damaging to family life.

I don't personally 'need' to tell myself anything; I, like most parents, do the best I can for my children within my means and within my long term plans.

I'm in full agreement with you here. (Your reply was admirably restrained given the intemperate tone of my post.)

Another one of your "I'm absolutely right and you're all wrong whether you like it or not" posts. Predictable at least. . .Men can care for children as adequately as women, the difference being that they don't generally want to, and nobody tells them they shouldn't have children.

Who needs a hug? . I make no apology for being opinionated. A man can care for a child but he can't mother it. I can't agree that the role of a father and mother are simply interchangeable (couched enough?).