To have a baby or not to have a baby ?

Status
Not open for further replies.
autumnleaf said:
But what if those obstacles are impossible to clear and everything doesn't just "fall into place"? If your ovaries/sperm/love life are just not co-operating in your grand plan? What do you do instead?

Concentrate on your career? Travel? Learn to be a good uncle/auntie/best friend's babysitter? Take up painting/bungie jumping/nuclear physics?
Click to expand...


I guess for some women this might be a relief - if ovaries/sperm/love life don't fall into place then at least the decision is made for you and then perhaps you would be in a better position to get over any disappointment/regret/doubts and carry on with your life . (I don't for one minute think it's easy to get over not being able to have kids)

Obviously this is not the case for everybody but I think that in this thread some women feel (including myself) overwhelmed by the idea of picking the right time to have kids - OP was wondering how people pick the right time - what are the criteria they use? - if there are health issues to deal with the question is answered for you!.
 
autumnleaf said:
But what if those obstacles are impossible to clear and everything doesn't just "fall into place"? If your ovaries/sperm/love life are just not co-operating in your grand plan? What do you do instead?
Click to expand...
Adoption and fostering are also possible alternatives for some people.
 
ney001 said:
I guess for some women this might be a relief - if ovaries/sperm/love life don't fall into place then at least the decision is made for you and then perhaps you would be in a better position to get over any disappointment/regret/doubts and carry on with your life . (I don't for one minute think it's easy to get over not being able to have kids)

Obviously this is not the case for everybody but I think that in this thread some women feel (including myself) overwhelmed by the idea of picking the right time to have kids - OP was wondering how people pick the right time - what are the criteria they use? - if there are health issues to deal with the question is answered for you!.
Click to expand...
Having experienced infertility issues for 5 years and followed the experiences of others both online (e.g. the 'trying to concieve' board on rollercoaster.ie) and in the real world, I've never come across any woman expressing relief at discovering infertility. I've come across expressions of despair, depression, fear, loss of identify, financial concerns, relationship concerns and a whole pile of other strongly negative emotions. Relief would be a first for me.

ClubMan said:
Adoption and fostering are also possible alternatives for some people.
Click to expand...
I've never come across anyone who considered fostering to be an alternative to parenting. Adoption is indeed an alternative, and one which carries its own huge complexities and difficulties. The number of Irish children available for adoption is tiny, and foreign adoptions carry a pile of legal, financial and practical difficulties.
 
RainyDay said:
Having experienced infertility issues for 5 years and followed the experiences of others both online (e.g. the 'trying to concieve' board on rollercoaster.ie) and in the real world, I've never come across any woman expressing relief at discovering infertility. I've come across expressions of despair, depression, fear, loss of identify, financial concerns, relationship concerns and a whole pile of other strongly negative emotions. Relief would be a first for me.
Click to expand...
But it sounds like, in the situations outlined, you would have been dealing mainly with women who avowedly wanted to conceive so obviously infertility would not have been a relief for them. Others might have a different view.
I've never come across anyone who considered fostering to be an alternative to parenting. Adoption is indeed an alternative...
Click to expand...
As is fostering for some people regardless of whether you personally happen to have met them or not.
and one which carries its own huge complexities and difficulties. The number of Irish children available for adoption is tiny, and foreign adoptions carry a pile of legal, financial and practical difficulties.
Click to expand...
I imagine that most people realise this.
 
How would a woman discover her infertility unless she avowedly wanted to concieve? Do you know people for whom fostering has been their alternative to parenting?
 
RainyDay said:
Having experienced infertility issues for 5 years and followed the experiences of others both online (e.g. the 'trying to concieve' board on rollercoaster.ie) and in the real world, I've never come across any woman expressing relief at discovering infertility. I've come across expressions of despair, depression, fear, loss of identify, financial concerns, relationship concerns and a whole pile of other strongly negative emotions. Relief would be a first for me.
Click to expand...

I'm not saying that women would be relieved to discover infertility!. What I am saying is that for those women out there who don't particularly want kids but feel under pressure to have them anyway (parents or partners putting on pressure - or even themselves) may feel a little relieved if the decision is made for them and I don't just mean infertility, they might not have met the right man etc but either way they don't have to agonise over whether or not they are making the right decisions or whether or not they can give up careers etc.

I completely understand all of the negative emotions involved with a couple trying to have a baby - as previously stated my sister in law and another close friend cannot conceive. In the case of my close friend she tried for many years to have kids and nothing worked, she and her husband were on the verge of splitting from the trauma of it all, however when she hit 40plus she realised that she had no control over this - the decision had been made for her and she had to get on with her life. She and her husband got through it all and although they will always be missing something they have learned to accept it and enjoy holidays and just being with each other. So yes I do think that in certain instances it is just easier if the decisions are made for you.
 
I'm sorry, I really can't agee with the line of reasoning here with regards to a couple finding out they are infertile, and the decision being taken out of their hands.

There's a long drawn out process for someone to find out they are infertile, it's not like anyone is in two-minds about having a baby, and then they find out almost straight away they're infertile?? It can take years of investigations/procedures etc to find out - by this stage I don't think anyone is relieved at the decision being taken away from them, if they find out they can't have children.

Anyway, the only thing I can say about To have or not have a baby(if you're lucky enough to be able to make this decision!!) is that I have yet to meet a parent that has regretted it!!
 
Hope I haven't dragged this discussion too much off track! To answer the OP's original question, personally I think the time to have kids is when (a) you want them (b) you are financially and emotionally stable and (c) you are in a stable relationship with a partner who also meets conditions a and b! Then you've got to cross your fingers there won't be complications with fertility.
I don't have (c) at the moment and it's quite possible I'll be too old by the time I do, after all it takes a few years to build a relationship to a point where you can feel secure enough to start a family. Most of the time I'm OK with this and think I'll be happy being "cool auntie" or "mad dog lady". But other times I think it'd be kind of sad to miss out on that part of life.
For the moment it's out of my hands but so are a lot of other things I guess. "If you want to make God laugh, make a plan."
 
This thread has really got me thinking about my own situation. I currently have a good career, earning good money (approx double what my boyfriend earns) but the job involves being abroad 3 days per week. We are getting married soon and have discussed having children (hopefully there will be no problems conceiving). My worry is though that I will have to sacrifice my current job when I have a baby. I love my job but the company is small so there is little chance of my role changing to allow me to work in Ireland. My boyfriend would be perfectly happy to stay at home with the baby but I think on a personal level I couldn't continue to travel as much as I do. I suppose when it comes down to it I'll want to be close to my child......
 
Triona, if you want a humerous account of a mother of two who travels a lot with her job, read the book " I dont know how she does it". Its fiction, and hilarious! (can't remeber who wrote it). :)
 
Before I had children I felt that I would always want to combine a full time career with having children and that all child related work and household work would be divided equally between my husband and I. Cue bitter laugh...

My husband is and always has been willing to do his share of all work and be thoroughly involved with our children. However I'm the one who physically had them and went on maternity leave. That covers about the first 3-4 months of your childs life. My husband works for a large company and regardless of his legal rights he would not be able to take time off to take care of our children- either by taking parental leave or just the odd day here and there- this would be frowned upon and his position would be questioned. I think this would be very different if he worked in the civil service but in the private sector for the most part I would think this would be the norm.

The reality of the situation is that I take the lions share of caring for our children, and I run my own business and I do the lions share of the household work. ( Just call me superwoman). I arrange childcare, I plan ahead their meals, their clothes, vaccinations, everything. When they're sick or just have had a nightmare, its me they want. So I'm the one who stays up all night with them or takes time off when they are ill, or takes them to the doctor etc etc. I genuinely believe that this is the case for most women regardless of how enlightened their partner is.

I do resent this sometimes but what people don't realise until they have children is the huge emotional attachment and what that love will mean in terms of your lifestyle. It will mean that although you might still want to work, you will now put your children first. Whereas I might have thought before children that I would have no problem going back to work there's a whole emotional side of me that feels as if I am abandoning them every time I drop them off to the childminder or creche. I wouldn't feel the same if my husband were taking care of them, so I imagine that the reverse also applies.

I was raised on a farm with a large family and so both my parents were around all the time as a child. That was idyllic. I often feel guilty that my children don't experience the same upbringing. Love and guilt play a large part in the working mothers life.

I found the whole experience of having my first child very hard and emotionally draining. I am a bit of a perfectionist anyway and so I worried all the time. I read every book going. I tried routines and organic homemade food, and rang everyone all the time for advice and questioned every thing and over analysed everything etc etc. It was, for me, an extremely steep learning curve because when it came to my child it had to be perfect. I was absolutely responsible for this life in everyway and it hit hard.

The other side of the coin is that you experience the worst of times but also the best best of times. There is nothing like the first smile- or the first belly laugh. Or the first steps. Or the first word, or countless other things.

My second child was a joy from the very beginning probably because I am less worried about killing her accidently!
 
ney001 said:
I'm not saying that women would be relieved to discover infertility!. What I am saying is that for those women out there who don't particularly want kids but feel under pressure to have them anyway (parents or partners putting on pressure - or even themselves) may feel a little relieved if the decision is made for them and I don't just mean infertility, they might not have met the right man etc but either way they don't have to agonise over whether or not they are making the right decisions or whether or not they can give up careers etc.
Click to expand...
I agree with Crystal. You seem to underestimating the effort/time/commitment that is required even to just diagnose infertility. There will be 12 months of 'trying' before a GP will consider any intervention. Then probably another 1-2 years of charting ovulation, non-spontaneous intercourse timed to maximise chances of conception, possibly some medication. Then there will be the referral to the specialist, involving a couple of visits, blood tests (for him & her), ultrasound, possibly a laparoscopy, possibly a post-coital test, probably a couple of seperate semen analyses for him. Few couples will get this far with a strong commitment to having children, and I've never heard of a single case of 'relief' as the outcome of the diagnosis.
 
I don't believe that anyone is ever really 'ready' for children. And if you wait until you can afford them - you'll never have any! (I know I'd be childless if this was enforceable!:D )
 
Hi, sorry but I'm almost rolling around on the floor laughing at cars post on page 1, brilliant!!

I have a 13mth old boy, he's class! but bloody hard work but I wouldnt do it any other way!

When we started to talk about a baby, it was I wanted it, my partner said okish, and I said I wouldnt worry if I occassionally forgot to take the pill, well after about 6mths of this nothing, so very anxiously came off the pill (actuallya anxious more about getting pregnant) second thoughts! lol
But it was another year before I got pregnant (without help but was seriously contemplating getting help) I still had doubts, I think everyone must, maybe I'm wrong but I was always wondering what ifs?

my partner is self-employed and works alot, I knew this and used to work in the business with him, luckily its crazy busy, so financially good, but its on Long weekends like this that I start to get fed up, he has been working all weekend, so just me and the babs

But I still wouldnt change it!
 
Im the same, what a brilliant post on Page 1!!!

On a more serious note and not to put a dampner on the whole issue, genetic reasons are sombre issues surrounding myself and the fiance right now, regarding thinking about a baby. She has just gone for a test to see if she is a carrier of a disease that has wiped out siblings, first cousins and other relatives on her side and to be honest, I can't believe she got the courage to go for the test as she swore she would never have a baby after living with all the illness and death in her home. If she is a carrier, then I have to go for a test and even then, there are no guarantees. They can't test for 10% of the genes for the disease and in a very very few cases, we were told at the Genetics centre that people have gone on to have a baby with the disease, after being told that only one of them was a carrier.

So for us, its not money, having a house, careers re a baby, its genetics and its also the effect of what my fiance has gone through with her siblings. We are doing tests only in case of an accident. Wont know the results for months either. But God willing,things will work out for the right reasons and if that means just ourselves for however long we have, then that is fine.
 
ah just spent ages typing a reply & it didnt post!

Basically same situation as zegar - trying to decide how to decide it is the right time
- husband would be brilliant - I know this for sure. He already more than pulls his weight around house & has lots of experience with kids
- Relationship fine - although I know of lots of people where they were fine until kids came along & then it was all fighting etc.....
- House & finances all more than adequate
- Jobs....mmm...both commute at the moment & work very hard including overtime etc. Am not going to be one of those couples who drop kids off a creche at 6.30am to pick them up at 7.30 pm..................don't see the point. But basically one of us would have to change our job scenario if we want kids - husband could jobshare (most likely option), I could change job.........definitely not going to have kids before this is decided as think it is very important
- how do you know that you will like your kids? Im not a particularly mothery/unselfish type person.....mayb I would be crap & hate & resent my kids? Does everyone automatically want to put kids first? Both are very selfish at the moment.........
- Why do we even want to consider having kids in first place? my hormone/society etc.......is it just that we are expected to?
- Cant ever see myself hoping into bed going ' we are going to make a baby now'!! ugh......biggest turnoff ever......
- Always said if i was having some that it would be before I was 30..........but that gets closer & closer & is getting scary......

Dont' know the answers.

I do think it is important to analyse before taking the leap tho.........too many people jump into it & then wonder why no one warned them of the downsides.
 
Winnie said:
too many people jump into it & then wonder why no one warned them of the downsides.
Click to expand...

Like giving birth first time if everyone knew that pain beforehand, no one would go through it willingly.

But whether you jump into or plan it on a spreadsheet, it will always be an adventure. It is a descision but not say like moving house or job. Sure you get down days but I don't know any parent who ever saw downsides and regreted having their kids.
 
Tristan, how utterly heartbreaking for you and your partner. To lose one sibling must be awful, to lose multiple siblings plus cousins is unimaginable. I hope things work out for ye, however the tests go.
It's interesting how some people say "i'm not that into other people's kids, but i love my own" or "i was never maternal/paternal until i had my own". I actually really like kids. Not babies (they're a bit boring) but once you can actually talk with them they're gas. Recently i had a conversation with a 9-yr-old girl and she was so smart and funny. Her mother thanked me afterwards for keeping her occupied, but i said in all honesty that it was a pleasure. Of course there are some children who are absoloute horrors as well and you don't get to choose who to spend time with if they're your own. Which makes me think i'm more cut out to be a friend/auntie than a mother.
Also interesting how people say "well, nobody ever regrets having children". If someone did regret it, would they ever dare to say so out loud? That would be like wishing the children did not exist and that's a horrible thing to say about anyone no matter what the circumstance. I know a woman who gave birth at 18 and she says she wishes she'd waited, but of course then she wouldn't have her son as he is, she'd have a different child altogether. In any case, regret is a wasted emotion so sometimes it's best once you've made a decision to just be happy that that's the way it was meant to be. No point in looking back constantly and saying "if only i'd taken that turn rather than this turn".
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top