Separation to start the Divorce Process

[Cruzer123]

Hi,

I’ve decided that it time to call it time on a 20 year abusive marriage. We are incompatible and despite my repeated attempts there has been no affection for over 5 years.

The only thing we share in common is our 4 children. The youngest is 15, twins at 18 and a 22 year old son.

We have a complex situation of rental properties with mortgages and a sizeable mortgage on the family home. There’s enough equity to afford 2 x 500k homes but she will want to stay in the family home and put me in a dog box.

We’ve been sleeping separately since 2020 and keep seperate bank accounts, her decision.
I think this is grounds to prove we have been separated.

My wife wants to hold off until the youngest is 18.

She secretly took legal advice 5 years ago and I feel her plan all along has been to string me along and seek a divorce when she wants, giving her more access to my pension, savings etc.

She earns a third of what I earn, it’s blatantly obvious I’m merely ticket to enable her lifestyle and keep up appearances.

If I get out now it will give me another 20 years of earnings and pension contributions she won’t have a lien on. Obviously I’m saddened by the impact this will have on our children but I can’t live like this anymore.

What’s the first step here, what’s the process and time to get a separation, can anyone suggest (PM me) a good solicitor in central Dublin?

Thanks……

 

[cremeegg]

I have no useful info for you, but well done on putting your query down on paper as it were. That is a start to moving ahead and getting things under control.

It usually quiet here at the weekends and probably over the holidays too, so it might be a while before you get good engagement.

Knock what fun you can out of Christmas and all the best for 2025.

 

[Flybytheseat]

Hi,

I’ve decided that it time to call it time on a 20 year abusive marriage. We are incompatible and despite my repeated attempts there has been no affection for over 5 years.

The only thing we share in common is our 4 children. The youngest is 15, twins at 18 and a 22 year old son.

We have a complex situation of rental properties with mortgages and a sizeable mortgage on the family home. There’s enough equity to afford 2 x 500k homes but she will want to stay in the family home and put me in a dog box.

We’ve been sleeping separately since 2020 and keep seperate bank accounts. I think this is grounds to prove we have been separated.

My wife wants to hold off until the youngest is 18. She secretly took legal advice a decade ago and I feel her plan all along has been to string me along and seek a divorce when she wants, giving her more access to my pension, savings etc.

She earns a third of what I earn, it’s blatantly obvious I’m merely ticket to enable her lifestyle and keep up appearances.

If I get out now it will give me another 20 years of earnings and pension contributions she won’t have a lien on. Obviously I’m saddened by the impact this will have on our children but I can’t live like this anymore.

What’s the first step here, what’s the process and time to get a separation, can anyone suggest (PM me) a good solicitor in central Dublin?

Thanks……

In your position you have good grounds to claim that you have already been living separately in the family home for 4 years so you should go straight for divorce proceedings. Divorce is the only way to deal with pension adjustment orders which you will need so skip judicial separation. Sounds unlikely that mediation will work in your case so just appoint a solictor to get the ball rolling. Each of you will have to prepare Affadavits of Means and of Welfare. Then the horse trading begins between the solicitors and hopefully after a couple of months you have agreed consent terms that you can present in front of the judge. Your solicitor will advise of current filling times but when I filed for divorce we had a court date within 4 months.

 

[LL????]

Hi,

I’ve decided that it time to call it time on a 20 year abusive marriage. We are incompatible and despite my repeated attempts there has been no affection for over 5 years.

The only thing we share in common is our 4 children. The youngest is 15, twins at 18 and a 22 year old son.

We have a complex situation of rental properties with mortgages and a sizeable mortgage on the family home. There’s enough equity to afford 2 x 500k homes but she will want to stay in the family home and put me in a dog box.

We’ve been sleeping separately since 2020 and keep seperate bank accounts. I think this is grounds to prove we have been separated.

My wife wants to hold off until the youngest is 18. She secretly took legal advice a decade ago and I feel her plan all along has been to string me along and seek a divorce when she wants, giving her more access to my pension, savings etc.

She earns a third of what I earn, it’s blatantly obvious I’m merely ticket to enable her lifestyle and keep up appearances.

If I get out now it will give me another 20 years of earnings and pension contributions she won’t have a lien on. Obviously I’m saddened by the impact this will have on our children but I can’t live like this anymore.

What’s the first step here, what’s the process and time to get a separation, can anyone suggest (PM me) a good solicitor in central Dublin?

Thanks……

Suggest you get your financial affairs in order, if you know what I mean before progressing and ensure that your other half declares all of their assets which doesn't always happen from experience.

 

[DannyBoyD]

Apply for divorce.

You have both clearly discussed options already.

If you can't agree settlement terms between you, consider mediation.

Your worst outcome is expensive lawyers and a judge making decisions for you.

On a more personal note, I would strongly recommend counselling. You need to get to a place to handle this turmoil (and it will get a lot worse before it gets better).

Bad-mouthing / blame game only makes it worse.

 

[ClubMan]

What’s the first step here, what’s the process and time to get a separation

Consult with a solicitor, see if mediation might be an option, as others have said you may be able to proceed directly to divorce rather than going for separation first, if mediation doesn't work then try to thrash an agreement on all relevant matters out between yourselves and your legal teams, ideally try to avoid leaving it to a court/judge to decide any/all matters (which they generally don't want to do anyway), try to maintain good relations with your ex (often easier said than done) and children. It may take some time (several years) to get everything sorted but the more than can be agreed between yourselves and the sooner than this can be done then the better the chances of expediting matters.

 

[Sue Ellen]

can anyone suggest (PM me) a good solicitor in central Dublin?

Others here have recommended mf1 a contributor to AAM so perhaps you could send them a PM.

 

[Flybytheseat]

Divorce in Ireland is no blame so the circumstances of who did what or when or didn't do what or when don't come into it and don't advantage either party. On the division of assets (all property, pension funds, savings & investments) I would suggest that a clean 50%/50% is the likely outcome. How you agree to divide these assets 50/50 is part of the horse trading. For example if your spouse wants to hold on to the family home then you could both agree that she waives her entitlement to your pensions and other savings. Otherwise you could both agree that she gets to stay in the familly home until the youngest turns 23 (if in full time education) and then the house is sold and proceeds split. The welfare of the children is paramount in the courts eyes.

Normally both parents will get joint custody and with the mother being the primary carer. As she earns a 1/3rd of what you earn expect child maintenance to be paid up to 23 (if in full time education). Spousal maintenance would be rare in your circumstances but has certain tax advantages for you if you need to get a deal over the line.

 

[ClubMan]

On the division of assets (all propery, pension funds, savings & investments) I would suggest that a clean 50%/50% is the likely outcome.

That would likely be the starting point if the assets were largely accumulated over the lifetime of the 20 year marriage but not necessarily if different circumstances applied.

I see a lot of posts asserting that 50:50 is the starting point or the default but that's not always the case. It certainly wasn't in mine.

The welfare of the children is paramount in the courts eyes.

+1.

 

[misemoi]

How truly likely is it that a house will be sold once the youngest is 23? Most 23 year olds in today's world are not self sufficient by then. I would worry if I was relying on releasing my share of a former family home that it would not come to pass, at least not in the suggested timeline. So in your shoes op I would want division of assets done and dusted now to the greatest extent possible.

 

[DannyBoyD]

How truly likely is it that a house will be sold once the youngest is 23?

If its court ordered it must be sold.

 

[Clamball]

That would likely be the starting point if the assets were largely accumulated over the lifetime of the 20 year marriage but not necessarily if different circumstances applied.

I see a lot of posts asserting that 50:50 is the starting point or the default but that's not always the case. It certainly wasn't in mine.

+1.

Most married couples in Ireland start out with similar assets, i.e. both earning and saving for a deposit for a house but of course there are those who do come with a strong imbalance of assets prior to marriage.

My friend is currently planning to divorce after almost 30 years and the solicitor said the longer the marriage the less emphasis is placed on pre-existing assets prior to marriage. The solicitor indicated a 50:50 split is the typical starting point for negotiations.

The solicitor indicated that it would take about 10 months to organise all paperwork on both sides, it is only a couple of months to get before a judge after that if that is the route it has to go.

And the solicitor will strongly recommended mediation - it is free, and if this is not an option negotiate all the agreements with the lawyers before it gets to the judge.

So both you and your wife will need to comply the affidavits, any delays or foot dragging on your wife’s part will drag out the whole process. At least your kids are old enough to express a preference about what they would like in the next 1-6 years before they are considered adults and are out the gap.