Seem to be in a downward spiral.....
- Thread starter ailbhe
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Lol. I agree.
Bear in mind this all happened almost 8 years ago now. It was May 02 when I fell pregnant. I was angry for a while after but at the end of the day, I've my daughter. He has nothing.
And while raising her alone is hard financially, I wouldn't swap her for the euro millions.
truthseeker
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Id be in to pubs in that area asking bar staff do they know how to contact Mr X.
Id also be looking for the surname in a telephone directory and phoning possible candidates living in that area.
What else do you know about him, clearly under the circumstances you cant afford a private detective, perhaps people here will have ideas depending on the type of information you have about him (for example, did he play sports, ever mention a particular club he was a member of etc... - could you contact them?).
Have you tried contacting the college and former place of work for his last known contact details? They may not give them to you but they may release them on the basis of a court order for maintenance?
I have no intention of canvassing all the bars in inner city dublin looking for a man I haven't seen in 8 years. I understand where you are coming from but I would feel quite degraded by that, wandering around looking for my childs daddy.
I did the phone number thing when my daughter was born. It was humiliating and yielded no results.
I contacted the clubs for the sport he participated in but came up blank. He also told me when I was pregnant that he was moving abroad. I think that was a lie but who knows. He said his parents were separating and he couldn't "deal" with everything.
I could post what I know about him but to be honest I'm not comfortabel with that at all. Not sure why but I can't imagine how horrible it would be to come on here and see details about your son/brother basically saying he had a child he hadn't bothered with for over 7 years.
It's crass and very "Jerry Springer" like and maybe my pride is getting in the way but I don't want to be like that.
Can't take court proceedings without details (as far as I know) and can't get details on the basis of data protection.
truthseeker
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Sorry Ailbhe - i think you misunderstood me, I totally understand you not posting his details - what I meant was to post the type of information you have such as:
I know he played GAA with a particular club.
I know he worked in a particular supermarket in his teens.
I know the name of his secondary school.
Thay type of thing. If for example the above examples WERE the types of info you have Id be saying - contact the GAA club, contact the old supermarket, go to friendsreunited.com or schoolfriends.ie and see do you recognise any of his friends names (people he may have spoken about) and the possibility of contacting them.
I didnt mean to actually say WHAT you know, just what TYPE of things you know. You never know - someone may have an idea based on the type of info you have.
On the bar canvassing. A girl I know became pregnant after a one night stand in the UK. She found the childs father by going back to the original bar where they met and asking questions. She was directed to a couple of different bars and managed to find him. He was actually delighted to be a part of his childs life. Including paying maintenance.
There is nothing degrading about doing something like that - its him who should be ashamed of himself for doing a runner to begin with.
Ireland is pretty small, it seems to me that everyone I meet knows someone who knows someone I know. There is a good chance that questioning people in his local area may yield results.
Dont you ever feel degraded or embarrassed or anything like that. You have left yourself open to contact. He has done a disappearing act. He has decided to shirk both his moral and legal responsibilities to support his child - why should he be allowed to get away with that?
You knew him for quite a long period of time, there must be things you know about him that would help you track him down.
I know he played GAA with a particular club.
I know he worked in a particular supermarket in his teens.
I know the name of his secondary school.
Thay type of thing. If for example the above examples WERE the types of info you have Id be saying - contact the GAA club, contact the old supermarket, go to friendsreunited.com or schoolfriends.ie and see do you recognise any of his friends names (people he may have spoken about) and the possibility of contacting them.
I didnt mean to actually say WHAT you know, just what TYPE of things you know. You never know - someone may have an idea based on the type of info you have.
On the bar canvassing. A girl I know became pregnant after a one night stand in the UK. She found the childs father by going back to the original bar where they met and asking questions. She was directed to a couple of different bars and managed to find him. He was actually delighted to be a part of his childs life. Including paying maintenance.
There is nothing degrading about doing something like that - its him who should be ashamed of himself for doing a runner to begin with.
Ireland is pretty small, it seems to me that everyone I meet knows someone who knows someone I know. There is a good chance that questioning people in his local area may yield results.
Dont you ever feel degraded or embarrassed or anything like that. You have left yourself open to contact. He has done a disappearing act. He has decided to shirk both his moral and legal responsibilities to support his child - why should he be allowed to get away with that?
You knew him for quite a long period of time, there must be things you know about him that would help you track him down.
tough going for you but well done, you seem to have your head well screwed on. One thing I will mention is that if your circumstances change e.g. your income going up or down, your FIS payment won't be reduced/increased until the next time you apply. So if you could do a little something extra financially (bar work or something) just till you have to re-apply for FIS it might help you get back on track with the arrears from some of your bills. A friend could maybe help you out with childcare one or 2 nights a week? Make sure and tell FIS though.
OK, well all I really know is that he was interested in a certain sport. I've tried those kind of clubs but to no avail.
I know the places he worked from 2001 to 2003.
I know where he went to college for the same years.
I know where he went to work after he left the place we were in college together.
I don't know much about his family, well, anything really. We were just co workers for most of the time I knew him.
It's silly really but I never thought to ask much about his life outside of where we were. I was young and didn't think it important. I knew where his rented house was, where he worked, where he went for lunch, what days he went to the gym etc. It never occurred to me that I'd need to know anything else lol. I know stuff like his favourite beer, favourite food, that he used to be a lot bigger until he started in the gym. Stupid stuff that won't help me but thats what we talked about.
I know the places he worked from 2001 to 2003.
I know where he went to college for the same years.
I know where he went to work after he left the place we were in college together.
I don't know much about his family, well, anything really. We were just co workers for most of the time I knew him.
It's silly really but I never thought to ask much about his life outside of where we were. I was young and didn't think it important. I knew where his rented house was, where he worked, where he went for lunch, what days he went to the gym etc. It never occurred to me that I'd need to know anything else lol. I know stuff like his favourite beer, favourite food, that he used to be a lot bigger until he started in the gym. Stupid stuff that won't help me but thats what we talked about.
Ailbhe, I was in a simular situation as you.. Only I gave up my daughter for adoption. Her dad also left, and I too searched in the places that he used to work in.. Not to get money, I just wanted him to know he had a daughter, and to give him photos! I managed to find him in facebook..
To be honest, you are doing an incredible job, and I do appreciate how, on so many levels it is hard for you at the moment... On the plus side hopefully this hard time will not last for ever, and you are doing the best thing for your daughter and yourself..
Give yourself a pat on the back
To be honest, you are doing an incredible job, and I do appreciate how, on so many levels it is hard for you at the moment... On the plus side hopefully this hard time will not last for ever, and you are doing the best thing for your daughter and yourself..
Give yourself a pat on the back
truthseeker
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Thats exactly the kind of thing that most young couples know!!
Heres a question - what he did in college - did it lead to a specific career or would it be a reasonable common one? For example, if it was teacher training you could use the ratemyteacher website to look for him?
Would any of the workplaces give you information?
Did he leave a forwarding address at the rented house (you could always pretend to be trying to get in touch with him about an inheritance - people tend to be more helpful if they think theyre passing on good luck).
The gym could be one to check out - my hubby has been a member of the same gym for over 10 years now. Again you could let on you were trying to return something to try and get a favourable staff response. Someone might give you a phone number if you rang up and said youd found a wallet you were trying to return - that youd found a membership card in the wallet and thought they might help?
Heres a question - what he did in college - did it lead to a specific career or would it be a reasonable common one? For example, if it was teacher training you could use the ratemyteacher website to look for him?
Would any of the workplaces give you information?
Did he leave a forwarding address at the rented house (you could always pretend to be trying to get in touch with him about an inheritance - people tend to be more helpful if they think theyre passing on good luck).
The gym could be one to check out - my hubby has been a member of the same gym for over 10 years now. Again you could let on you were trying to return something to try and get a favourable staff response. Someone might give you a phone number if you rang up and said youd found a wallet you were trying to return - that youd found a membership card in the wallet and thought they might help?
Ailbhe, I was in a simular situation as you.. Only I gave up my daughter for adoption. Her dad also left, and I too searched in the places that he used to work in.. Not to get money, I just wanted him to know he had a daughter, and to give him photos! I managed to find him in facebook..
To be honest, you are doing an incredible job, and I do appreciate how, on so many levels it is hard for you at the moment... On the plus side hopefully this hard time will not last for ever, and you are doing the best thing for your daughter and yourself..
Give yourself a pat on the back
Thanks very much. Yesterday was just a bad day. I'm usually fine 99% of the time but sometimes it all just catches up on you and you can't catch your breath. I usually have a rant or a cry and I'm fine again for another while. I'm sorry to hear you were in the same position but I hope everything turned out well for you in the end.
truthseeker said:
He was doing a hotel and management course, a year of which had to be done in a university. So he might be working in a hotel but as I said, he also told me he was moving abroad. I've checked the workplaces and none would give me any info. i also checked the admissions dept in uni and they wouldn't either.
His house mates all moved out of the rented house at the same time. I guess if I'd known at the time he would change his number and scarper, I wouldn't have let so many leads go cold.
After my 3 month scan I told him my due date. He kept on and on about an abortion and I just couldn't take it anymore on top of everything else I was dealing with (I had miscarried one - originally was having twins but I didn't know). Anyway I told him I'd give him some time to come to terms with it and contact him closer to the time. This would have been in Aug 02, I called in Dec 02 and his phone was no longer in service
. Bubs arrived a couple of months later.
IMHO you should only chase him up if you want him to be a part of your daughter's live. If your only motivation is to try to get some maintenance then it may ultimately prove more trouble/complication that it's worth. If it were me I would probably write him off.
Hi Ailbhe,
Just on the basis of part-time work- have you thought of giving grinds? It's that time of year and if you have anything from LC or college that you were especially good at it would be handy money. I used to give them myself and after the initial revision of the course work it was pretty easy money. Just put a note on the noticeboard in Tesco. You could offer a slightly cheaper than average rate and do it in your own home.
Just an idea Best of luck with everything.
I also didn't see it mentioned (but it may have been), are you getting all the tax credits you are entitled too? Tutition fees/bins/health/rent.
Is there anything else you could get from social welfare? Help with fuel/ESB. Would it be worth moving to a newer place with gas and good insulation? Have you changed your ESB to airtricity/Bord gais? It's a small saving but it all helps.
Would you save by getting a NTL/Broadband package?
Best of luck
Just on the basis of part-time work- have you thought of giving grinds? It's that time of year and if you have anything from LC or college that you were especially good at it would be handy money. I used to give them myself and after the initial revision of the course work it was pretty easy money. Just put a note on the noticeboard in Tesco. You could offer a slightly cheaper than average rate and do it in your own home.
Just an idea
Best of luck with everything. I also didn't see it mentioned (but it may have been), are you getting all the tax credits you are entitled too? Tutition fees/bins/health/rent.
Is there anything else you could get from social welfare? Help with fuel/ESB. Would it be worth moving to a newer place with gas and good insulation? Have you changed your ESB to airtricity/Bord gais? It's a small saving but it all helps.
Would you save by getting a NTL/Broadband package?
Best of luck
Hi Ailbhe, you sound like you are doing fantastically well in a tricky enough situation.
A couple of suggestions
Have you checked out other banks to see whether you can transfer the personal loan at a lower rate? That could either lower your monthly repayments (even by a small amount) or you could pay it off faster
Childcare costs - 325 seems relatively high for after school care. Is there a community creche in your area that does after school? I am in Dublin and there is one in my area that does it for about 60 a week (or less depending on income, I think 60 is the highest).
For stuff outside the everyday costs (clothes, furniture, toys, electrical good etc), have you checked out Jumbletown.ie? Fantastic stuff on these, I have got and given away various stuff over the last few years in perfect condition.
Good luck with it. Hopefully when all the exams are over, you might be in a position to rise up the salary scale
A couple of suggestions
Have you checked out other banks to see whether you can transfer the personal loan at a lower rate? That could either lower your monthly repayments (even by a small amount) or you could pay it off faster
Childcare costs - 325 seems relatively high for after school care. Is there a community creche in your area that does after school? I am in Dublin and there is one in my area that does it for about 60 a week (or less depending on income, I think 60 is the highest).
For stuff outside the everyday costs (clothes, furniture, toys, electrical good etc), have you checked out Jumbletown.ie? Fantastic stuff on these, I have got and given away various stuff over the last few years in perfect condition.
Good luck with it. Hopefully when all the exams are over, you might be in a position to rise up the salary scale
Another thing I forgot to mention - in terms of tracking down your child's dad. have you checked out [broken link removed]? Its extraordinary at picking up any mention of someone anywhere, ever on the web. I have googled myself and it comes up with 3 mentions that are me, when I looked myself up on 123, it had 17 links, all of which were correct, including attendance lists at 2 bit work conferences that I attended 10 years ago and a quote in a foreign language newspaper I gave 13 years ago! If the dad doesn;t turn up on that, he really has gone deeply underground ...
niceoneted
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I just want to say a big well done to you for having so much pride in yourself. I see so many people in your situation at work who give in and just go fro rent allowance and OPFA and don't want to work. Fair play to you and for instilling a positive message to your daughter, tough and all as it is.
I am a believer that things happen for a reason and you may be better off not being in contact with her dad.
Also just on bills, I feel ESB and heating are on the high side. Have you those energy efficient bulbs. I got great ones recently that give out more instant light.
In relation to sky can you reduce this a bit. I got the basic package plus one other - documentaries for under 25 I still get childrens, news and lifestyle channels. I know it's a small saving but it all adds up.
Any chance a family member could give you an interest free loan?
Keep up the great work and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.
I am a believer that things happen for a reason and you may be better off not being in contact with her dad.
Also just on bills, I feel ESB and heating are on the high side. Have you those energy efficient bulbs. I got great ones recently that give out more instant light.
In relation to sky can you reduce this a bit. I got the basic package plus one other - documentaries for under 25 I still get childrens, news and lifestyle channels. I know it's a small saving but it all adds up.
Any chance a family member could give you an interest free loan?
Keep up the great work and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.
Wow just reading your story - you are a tough cookie! fair play to you.
One thing I have to add is that your grocery bill is huge! Ive lived on e20 a week (incl partner) - including meat/veg/lunchtime etc...
Could you say e25 a week for the two of ye which would save you 115 a month...3 months - theres your course fees anyways.
One thing I have to add is that your grocery bill is huge! Ive lived on e20 a week (incl partner) - including meat/veg/lunchtime etc...
Could you say e25 a week for the two of ye which would save you 115 a month...3 months - theres your course fees anyways.
Your phone and your broadband seem quite high at EUR 70 per month. Could you save by switching to a bundled service and cutting down on mobile use?
e.g. [broken link removed]
The APR on your personal loan seems to be about 16/17 per cent? Plus fees? Maybe I'm out of touch with reality but that seems very very high. Was your debt consolidation done through a prime lender or one of the less well known / mainstream lenders?
e.g. [broken link removed]
The APR on your personal loan seems to be about 16/17 per cent? Plus fees? Maybe I'm out of touch with reality but that seems very very high. Was your debt consolidation done through a prime lender or one of the less well known / mainstream lenders?
I dont see any mention of the credit union. If you are not a member of the credit union I would suggest that you consider joining, you could start by using it to save for your car.
If you manage you cu well you can use it to meet the unexpected expenses as they arise, things like car breakdowns, emergency expenses etc. Small monthly deposits of say €25.00 and in 3 or 4 months it could finance your exam expenses for you. It also helps to create a history of saving in case you want to refinance some of your borrowings at a later date.
Dont forget that looking after yourself is important too, you have to have something to look forward to so dont leave out a bit of fun no matter what the cost.
I wouldnt bother with the Father for maintenance, it could bring more disharmony to your life than the money would help, thats just my opinion, 7 years on who needs him.
You sound great, dont let it grind you down.
If you manage you cu well you can use it to meet the unexpected expenses as they arise, things like car breakdowns, emergency expenses etc. Small monthly deposits of say €25.00 and in 3 or 4 months it could finance your exam expenses for you. It also helps to create a history of saving in case you want to refinance some of your borrowings at a later date.
Dont forget that looking after yourself is important too, you have to have something to look forward to so dont leave out a bit of fun no matter what the cost.
I wouldnt bother with the Father for maintenance, it could bring more disharmony to your life than the money would help, thats just my opinion, 7 years on who needs him.
You sound great, dont let it grind you down.