Not told of arrears...

inarrears said:
The person I am dealing with in ICS did say that he could put a halt to this. He is also forwarding me a copy of all previous correspondence so I'll know more when I see that and after I talk to him again on Tuesday. I'll post the outcome of that then.
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Of course it goes without saying that you get that in writing from the person in ICS :)
 
Hi Op,

I feel it is very important to come together on the finances and not completly stop her from having any responsibilities, from my own experience i find it better when a couple operates together, you are having to move into a position of control here with the finances, you are now clued in and if you do have a joint account you can monitor it further, a joint account would symbolize a more team based relationship, when my BF did it with me i felt very included and respected,

I just feel you need to help her be open about dealing with finances and speaking to you about it, you dont want to be the man of the house you want to be a team, it is all out in the open now, no area of a relationship should be hidden, and there may have been a bit of denial in that on both your parts,

This could symbolize a new start on all accounts, excuse the pun!
 
inarrears said:
Thank you everyone for your comments and advice.

Another dilemma I find myself in is whether to to tell my folks or not. They are not what you would call well off but they'd certainly have the money and would certainly happily give it to me if it were a matter of life and death, but it isn't and I'd prefer to keep that option for a day that it is. They already gave us €10K when we bought the house as a gift. She has pleaded with me not to tell them as she gets on very well with them and doesn't want to risk that but I don't want to find myself in a situation in a few months were I have to tell them and then I end up kind of similar to where she is now with "why on earth didn't you tell us when you first got in trouble". Although I think I am leaning towards not telling them. I'm 34 and it's not really something I want to admit to my folks anyway. I am insisting though that she tell her mam. When her mam hears things like summer camp has been canceled etc. I want her to know why. Not because I want to punish my GF but because I don't want to be getting the blame. Am I right to do this?

Thank you again everyone for your comments and especially your advice.
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I would suggest not involving parents at all. You sound very level headed and I believe that between the two of you you can come through this. Some people are just not good with money, for one reason or another. As others have said, many people will bury their heads in the sand and try to avoid the issue when things go wrong. This was probably what happened with your partner and as things spiralled she couldnt handle it.
You have already identified ways in which cutbacks can be made quickly and simply. In relation to the children 'losing out'-I am sure there are few parents at this stage who have not had to think about ways to cut back -for kids parties/ holidays or whatever. So you are not alone there. The children are not losing out, so try to get that idea out of your head. You will probably find you can still do summer camps or whatever. Very best of luck, you will get this sorted.
 
Thank you everyone again for your comments.

I've taken everything on board and decided not to tell either parents for as long as we don't have to.

We've sat down now and worked out a complete monthly budget and found everywhere we can cut back. It's a bit frightening looking at some of the figures to be honest! It is going to be very tight for the first couple of months but should get easier after that.

Not having a joint account is what has caused this whole mess in the first place. I've learned a huge lesson the hard way. She suggested it several times over the years and it was always something I meant to get round to but it always went on the long finger. This could have all been so easily avoided if I'd just bothered to look a bit closer.

I spoke to my contact in ICS (very nice person to deal with I must say) again today and went over a few things with him. He says he can't figure out why nothing has been done with the case since July '08. A 'civic bill' was sent to their solicitor in that month which I think is basically instructions to start repossession proceedings but it appears the solicitor never acted on it and the case has been dormant ever since. He is going to contact the solicitor today and get back to me tomorrow with more news. Coincidentally, the first two contact numbers he had for us is our parents numbers but they've never called regarding this issue. I wish they had! Would much prefer to have heard of this at 2 or 3K than 20K.

He also said to send him our proposal direct and he would consult with their solicitor so at least I don't have to get a solicitor myself (not yet anyway) so that's good news.

Made full normal payment today too.
 
I'm glad that things are going in the right direction for you. Yes it will be hard for the first few months getting used to having to cut back and ask yourself do i really need this or do i just want this.

But i'm sure you will get through it. A very hard lesson to learn, but we do all learn by our mistakes.

Good luck for the future.

p.s try not to let this hang over your relationship. I know your not going to just forget about what happened, but try not to bring it up anymore ( in an angry way ) What done is done you cant turn back time. All that matters now is sorting it out ( which you are doing great on ) and having everything back to normal with your gf and your kids.
 
I'm just thinking....

The guy said today due to the fact they never contacted me (or us) by phone, we never received a solicitor letter, and they never chased the arrears bar the letter every month that it would not stand well for them in court and because of this they would likely accept ANY proposal I suggested.

Should I just request that the arrears be applied to the balance of the loan and spaced out with the term of the loan?

It would mean just an extra €50/month on our mortgage.
 
Yeah it is a bit strange that happened.

You'd be paying more interest that way but it is an option.

If you can afford to do so i would pay off as much as you can when you can.

If it means paying this €50 a month so that your kids can go to summer camp and have their few treats during the month ( cinema, bowling, dvd ect ) then it's worth it i think. This has nothing to do with them and wasn't their fault. But they would manage without the treats if they had to.

Do what ever you think woud be the best solution for your family.
 
Have you asked your partner for all bank statements and correspondance sent to presumable both of you? Also all her own bank statements, all her credit card bills etc.

I would be more inclined to try and repay the arrears rather than adding more long term debt.
 
To clear your mind of any doubt, you can apply online for a copy of her credit report. It will list all loans for the past few years and also what other banks will know of the arrears.

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