Currently seeing a guy from the next town for the last month or so. He told me he was divorced when we first met about 3 years ago. When challenged recently, after a friend rang me, he said he was separated for about 12-14 years. My friend rang me to say her friend lives in the same townland as him and that he is still with his wife. Since then about five people have said he is still married and one has said he is separated. He would be a very prominent business person in the town. Just wondered how it would not be common knowledge if he was separated for all those years - its a small town of 12,000 pop. My own parents were from a small town outside Cork, they were business people and separated and everyone knew about it. I smell a rat, but am not quite sure. He got annoyed when I didn't believe him. Said I wouldn't date a married man, didn't want the hurt etc. Any comments appreciated.
How to know if man is married or not
- Thread starter elainem
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On the brief hear so .......... stay well away. If he got cross because you questioned it ......... he's lieing and just out for a bit of tail.
Have you been to his home Elaine? And if not, why? Can you suggest meeting up with some of his friends for a drink in his home town so you get to know them a little? Do you go out and about with him (or is it only confined to him calling to your place for a visit....)? If they are all No then it is suspicious as to his status.
But to be honest if you can't ask him honestly and get an honest answer and trust him and his response then I'm not sure it's going to be a healthy relationship for you.
But to be honest if you can't ask him honestly and get an honest answer and trust him and his response then I'm not sure it's going to be a healthy relationship for you.
Z
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If you think he is a liar then you have no chance.
Tell him it's important to you to know if he is still married. That you have heard from x y and z that he is still married and you would like to see divorce papers.
If he will not show them to you then say it was nice knowing you.Goodbye.
If he wants to stay with you he will either show you the divorce papers or come clean that he is still married.
Don't waste your time with somebody if they're not honest with you. At least if he is honest and says he is still married you can continue in the relationship knowing this.
And besides, if the relationship did get serious down the road and you were living together and he was still married you would be entitled to nothing if he died and more than likely have to pick up the tab for his funeral expenses.
Tell him it's important to you to know if he is still married. That you have heard from x y and z that he is still married and you would like to see divorce papers.
If he will not show them to you then say it was nice knowing you.Goodbye.
If he wants to stay with you he will either show you the divorce papers or come clean that he is still married.
Don't waste your time with somebody if they're not honest with you. At least if he is honest and says he is still married you can continue in the relationship knowing this.
And besides, if the relationship did get serious down the road and you were living together and he was still married you would be entitled to nothing if he died and more than likely have to pick up the tab for his funeral expenses.
Is he married or not?
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I think he may be living separately from his wife in the house - I know someone who built two separate sitting rooms for himself and his wife about eight years ago so they could sit separately in the evenings. Sad!!! I've seen him shopping for single person type food e.g. one steak, couple of carrotts etc. when I have bumped into him in his town. Yet when he phones me he is always on his mobile outside. His kids are 23 and 26 and living at home, so there is no need to be coy about things. Even my own kids know I go on dates occassionally! In the three years I have known him, he used to call to my house for an hour or so before going home (just a chat!). He always talked about his beautiful house and garden but never invited me out to his house. Since we started dating, he still phones me from his mobile outside or in the car, and when I asked him about his garden and what it looked like, he offered to send me an email of it. So I guess I have my answer. I'll stick with what 3/4 of the people I know say - that he is not separated. Just wonder how he didn't think I would get to know that, or that someone wouldnt tell me. I used to work in his town so would know a fair few people.
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I think he may be living separately from his wife in the house - I know someone who built two separate sitting rooms for himself and his wife about eight years ago so they could sit separately in the evenings. Sad!!! I've seen him shopping for single person type food e.g. one steak, couple of carrotts etc. when I have bumped into him in his town. Yet when he phones me he is always on his mobile outside. His kids are 23 and 26 and living at home, so there is no need to be coy about things. Even my own kids know I go on dates occassionally! In the three years I have known him, he used to call to my house for an hour or so before going home (just a chat!). He always talked about his beautiful house and garden but never invited me out to his house. Since we started dating, he still phones me from his mobile outside or in the car, and when I asked him about his garden and what it looked like, he offered to send me an email of it. So I guess I have my answer. I'll stick with what 3/4 of the people I know say - that he is not separated. Just wonder how he didn't think I would get to know that, or that someone wouldnt tell me. I used to work in his town so would know a fair few people.
Complainer
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Sad, or just a very practical solution to the property woes that go with relationship breakdown.
Well even though his kids are in their 20's this doesn't mean that he should rub it in their faces that he is dating someone other than their mother so maybe he is trying to be discreet - I wouldn't hold that against him. It doesn't really matter what his reasons are for not bringing you to his home, the fact is that you don't feel comfortable enough to ask questions and you should always be comfortable with the person you are dating, spending your time asking around about him but afraid to ask him directly does not bode well for a future relationship. Realistically, if he is separated and living with his wife and grown up kids do you really want to open that can of worms? married or separated he is clearly not free to fully commit to somebody new
PyritePete
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Is he married or not?
Thanks Ney001 and Privatepete for you replies. Yes, Ney001, I agree it is not right to be asking around. I told my friend I was seeing him, and a friend of hers went out with him a couple of years ago. She thought he was divorced. We were seen out having coffee together by someone where I used to work and they rang my friend. When he told me he was divorced a couple of years ago, I believed him, and thought that people were mistaken when they said he was married. Now after he admitted that he is separated and not divorced I didn't know who to believe. He told me he would explain his situation to me, but didn't. Don't know if he and his ex wife are living separately or not. Still work ocassionally in the town where he is from and don't want to be seen as the mistress. It's funny in a perverse sort of way, but untruths or half truths have a way of coming out. If he had been upfront about the situation from the begining, I would have been much more open to things. Its a shame because I really did like him, though this is the second time that we tried to go out and stories/rumours have intervened.
Thanks Ney001 and Privatepete for you replies. Yes, Ney001, I agree it is not right to be asking around. I told my friend I was seeing him, and a friend of hers went out with him a couple of years ago. She thought he was divorced. We were seen out having coffee together by someone where I used to work and they rang my friend. When he told me he was divorced a couple of years ago, I believed him, and thought that people were mistaken when they said he was married. Now after he admitted that he is separated and not divorced I didn't know who to believe. He told me he would explain his situation to me, but didn't. Don't know if he and his ex wife are living separately or not. Still work ocassionally in the town where he is from and don't want to be seen as the mistress. It's funny in a perverse sort of way, but untruths or half truths have a way of coming out. If he had been upfront about the situation from the begining, I would have been much more open to things. Its a shame because I really did like him, though this is the second time that we tried to go out and stories/rumours have intervened.
If I were you I would knock it on the head pronto. I am not saying that he is not seperated, I have known people separated and living in the same house. In fact I have seen that a number of times. However, it all leads to hassle somewhere down the road for YOU.
I met a guy a few years back who was going through a divorce appartently. I thought nothing of it as I was getting separated from my partner(well not separated, but splitting assets, etc). A while later my legal paperwork was flying along whilst his had not moved. Kicked him to touch then as I thought something might be up. Met him years and years later and he had not moved on any further. Still living separate lives, but gets wheeled out for weddings/funerals/barmitzvahs because someones relative was religious and could not be told they were divorced....this kind of rubblish. So rather live miserably. So glad I did not involve myself in that one. I am such a straight person at the time I did not think(naeievly) that people would behave like this.
Better to kick it to touch when it is early days before you become attached.
I met a guy a few years back who was going through a divorce appartently. I thought nothing of it as I was getting separated from my partner(well not separated, but splitting assets, etc). A while later my legal paperwork was flying along whilst his had not moved. Kicked him to touch then as I thought something might be up. Met him years and years later and he had not moved on any further. Still living separate lives, but gets wheeled out for weddings/funerals/barmitzvahs because someones relative was religious and could not be told they were divorced....this kind of rubblish. So rather live miserably. So glad I did not involve myself in that one. I am such a straight person at the time I did not think(naeievly) that people would behave like this.
Better to kick it to touch when it is early days before you become attached.
Sorry Elaine but if he was really into you and wanted to see you properly he would make sure you knew the full position and would go out of his way to clarify any outstanding issues. At the moment he is adding to all the confusion by being vague - if I were you I would be honest about it, tell him that you have heard various things, you don't know what's true and would like him to clarify for once and for all or you are not interested.
I'm going to go against the grain here but if you really like him give him one clear chance to explain himself and his situation to your satisfaction? Put your cards on the table- explain that while you would like to continue to see him, you have been told that he is still involved on some level with his ex/wife and if that is the case you cannot continue such a relationship. If he can't give you a clear answer then at least you can walk away without regrets or what-ifs. Everyone has baggage whether they're single or divorced or separated or whatever- just some baggage is easier to spot!
Married or separated.
Hi! Ney001, MandaC and Vanilla. Thanks for your replies. Just decided to leave it. He was so rude to me on the phone the last time when I said we needed to discuss it, that honesty was important to me, that I did want a relationship but didn't want to get hurt by getting involved with someone who wasn't free. I just think its not worth it - I have primary school kids and am studying and working - so don't need anything that's too much hassle. Can't understand why he won't explain as he has pursued me for almost three years. Maybe it's just as well as so many people who have known him over the years have warned me off, and I know a lot of people in his home town don't like him - so maybe I had a lucky escape! Thanks again.
Hi! Ney001, MandaC and Vanilla. Thanks for your replies. Just decided to leave it. He was so rude to me on the phone the last time when I said we needed to discuss it, that honesty was important to me, that I did want a relationship but didn't want to get hurt by getting involved with someone who wasn't free. I just think its not worth it - I have primary school kids and am studying and working - so don't need anything that's too much hassle. Can't understand why he won't explain as he has pursued me for almost three years. Maybe it's just as well as so many people who have known him over the years have warned me off, and I know a lot of people in his home town don't like him - so maybe I had a lucky escape! Thanks again.
Elaine - I reckon you have made the correct decision, if it's not feeling good in the early stages then forget it! Life is too short to hang around waiting, cut the ties to this guy altogether and you will be free to pursue other people or vice versa.
Good luck
Good luck
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