Getting married - wife keeping maiden name

casiopea - thought that was an unusual name for a male - apologies I will pay more attention to how I direct questions in future. I think since I had directed my query at the men then it wouldn't be reasonable to ask you for an answer in that regard. Thank you for answering though. I think you are probably correct "tradition" is frequently cited as a reason but if you chose to wear a cream gown, or have a peach bolero or decided that a delicate lilac was your preference for a gown I think it would raise fewer eyebrows or questions from your other half and perhaps wouldn't even be something he would feel the need to discuss with you. It would be perfectly acceptable that you wanted to. From his perspective it is less likely that he feels it in anyway reflects or impinges on him, name change though - some posters have expressed misgivings even hostility towards a woman not changing her name, where a man has said he hasn't any or very few he has qualified it by saying he would want to know the reason. I am just reflecting the question back to them - what reason do they have for needing a reason. You say "tradition", but the weight of tradition seems to lie heavier with a name change than with a choice of (potentially rather expensive) dress, tradition isn't reason it is refuge from change.

Caveat and others - sorry, the question was posed in a stream. I did not mean to imply that you hold any such views - rather that you haven't said why it is important to be told why.
 
so-crates said:
ragazza, cassiopiea, caveat et al - you still haven't explained why, though you will accept your respective wives reasons, you need to know why.
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So-crates, I'm female, and would never change my name on marriage.
But if my future husband wanted to know why I wouldnt change my name, I'd give him a reason, just so that he knows and isn't left wondering. I would take the question as idle curiosity on his part, and maybe an effort to get to know me better and what makes me tick.
I wouldn't expect to have to defend the decision, just simply explain it.
 
I think caveat has defended his point enough really I don't see how his argument can be so continually missed by our lady friends. First they got the vote and now they want to keep their names! I do think some women will argue any point if they feel there is a feminist stance to be taken even whereby such a stance is not needed nor wanted. Yes we live with tradition and many traditions have faded, I don't know why I would want to share my surname only that it feels right and I would want to prolong the family name and all that. I still hold open doors, offer my seat to women etc purely cause its (mannerly) and just something that has always been thought as right.
 
I am not trying to attack Caveat, although I did at one point do so inadvertently (for which I apologised). I have no feminist agenda - just a native curiosity why an anachronistic and incovenient practice (and I clearly stated the reasons why this is so) is presumed by some men to be perfectly acceptable. I think I said that I wasn't looking at it from the perspective of passing the name to subsequent generations, purely between spouses. I think you have just answered it for you, to you it "feels right". Don't confuse a traditional courtesy with a traditional convention. One was always a choice, the other was always an obligation
 
My wife kept her maiden name as is her right, there was never an issue as we love each other. We do have children and they have my name which again is no big deal, I also think a bridesmaid should speak on behalf of the bride on her wedding day.
 
Re: Getting married - wive keeping maiden name

mf1 said:
I'm more surprised these days at any woman choosing to change her surname on marriage.
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Me too - and the amount of agonizing that goes on about this at an individual and collective level is also quite surprising in my opinion.
 
so-crates - your last post asks why the name change "is presumed by some men to be perfectly acceptable", but why are you interested in why "some men" find it perfectly acceptable and not in why "some people" find it acceptable ?

As has been pointed out, it is a tradition and people find comfort and consistency in tradition. That doesn't make it rational or logical.

You may as well ask why "some women" seem to want to spend inordinate amounts of time and effort in getting their wedding day supposedly perfect for their guests, when in fact - if asked - many of their guests would spend the effort making the day perfect for her. It's tradition. Some people go for it, some don't.

z
 
dodo said:
I also think a bridesmaid should speak on behalf of the bride on her wedding day.
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Why can't the bride speak for herself?
If I was at a wedding and bride didn't at the very least get up and thank all the guests for coming, I would think it very old-fashioned and a little rude!
 
purpeller said:
If I was at a wedding and bride didn't at the very least get up and thank all the guests for coming, I would think it very old-fashioned and a little rude!
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I think thats a bit harsh, many brides dont give speeches. Usually someone (groom/bestman) gets up and does that. Personally I think speeches at these events are too long and the fewer people that get up the better.
 
so-crates said:
hmmm - the example you give is querying for an explanation after the fact, the question in hand is about the future perception of you as a person. Your name defines virtually every interaction you engage in in a public sphere, why is it not simply automatically reasonable (without any need of explanation or apology) that it is your name if you happen to be female and choosing to marry? I am not per se against the concept, I am more interested in the reason that the men seem to attach importance to the sacrifice, or at the very least a good reason why it isn't made.

I am not saying that Caveat isn't reasonable - I am just wondering at the root of his need to question his wife's choice.
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I actually think the total opposite to this. To me a name is just a label. I will always be who I am and of the family I am from regardless of what others call me. It's like just because you move abroad doesn't change your nationality or doesn't change who you are. I would change the name, and get on with my life if it were me. I'll still be me.
 
If a woman used both her own surname and her husband's to make a double barrell name, then if her daughters did the same on marriage they would end up with triple barrel names and if that went on through the generations someone could end up with a mighty long name!! unless of course they dropped some surnames along the way which might offend the family whose name was dropped.
It just gets too complicated. I know someone who was sneered at by co-workers for having a double-barrel name by the way. How about inventing a totally new surname on marriage for people who don't feel they want to choose.
 
purpeller said:
Why can't the bride speak for herself?
If I was at a wedding and bride didn't at the very least get up and thank all the guests for coming, I would think it very old-fashioned and a little rude!
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You missed the point of course the bride should speak just like the groom, but it is rare a bride's maid talk's at a wedding but the best man always does,
 
noilheart said:
If a woman used both her own surname and her husband's to make a double barrell name, then if her daughters did the same on marriage they would end up with triple barrel names and if that went on through the generations someone could end up with a mighty long name!! unless of course they dropped some surnames along the way which might offend the family whose name was dropped.
It just gets too complicated. I know someone who was sneered at by co-workers for having a double-barrel name by the way. How about inventing a totally new surname on marriage for people who don't feel they want to choose.
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In some Country's they make one name from the 2 names, someone called ryan and another called murphy they would be called Muran for eg
 
Lots of talk on here about how its traditional to take the man's name upon marriage.

Actually NO. Thats an imported English custom. In Ireland, women kept their own name upon marrying (handy as they could divorce after one year).

Children of the union however, had the father's name.
 
A little late in the discussion, but my wife didn't take my name, nor did I expect her to.

Christmas cards from my family are always addressed to myself and her with both our names, but cards from her family are addressed to "Mr. & Mrs. B. Buddyboy", even though they know she hasn't changed her name.

I told her that if it bothers her, then she should write "Not known at this address" and return them to sender. But she is too nice for that.:)
They are very traditional, so we let it slide. Although it bothers me more than her, as I feel that she doesn't even get an initial!

On occasion I have been called by her surname. If she booked a hotel or meal or delivery, she would have done so in her name. When we arrive I would have asked for the reservtion under "wifes_maden_name".
Again, not something that bothers us.

So in some ways we are both sharing our surnames.:D

We did say that if there were kids, then they could have her surname as I come from a family of boys, whereas she comes from a family of girls. So it would be something her father would like, to have the family name continued on. My parents aren't too fussed, and already have grandchildren with their surname.
 
As my wife is my chattel it follows that she took my name... :D
Oh wait, no, she kept her own name and she never does what I ask her (we don’t even try the telling her bit)…. Jasus, how the hell did I let that happen?! :confused:
But I'm happy, that's the main thing.. at least she tells my that I'm happy anyway.


I'm not reading any more of this thread!
 
This sounds very sappy but if I was getting married and planned on having children I would change my name.

Years ago I was all gung-ho for keeping my own but I don't think I'd like to have a different surname to my kids, it wouldn't bother me so much now changing my name once I'm happy!! Names don't affect marraiges or unions or how people feel about each other...well they shouldn't anyway.

I know my sister wouldn't change hers jsut to annoy her mother in law :)
she was marrying his only son and his mother told her she had to .... big mistake.

as for speechs, yes brides or bridesmaids should speak.
most weddings I have been at the best mans speech is about the groom and what they've gotten up to over the years, one wedding had a photo display of the groom throughout the years and while it was a good laugh it was all about him and not her.
I know its tradition but I'm all for change.
 
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