Child Maintenance

Ann while I suggested you fill out the solo spreadsheet i also pointed out that maintenance is based on the means of each person to meet the cost of the children. If, as you say, your ex-partner has the responsibility of a such large mortgage then I fail to see how he has the means to increase the maintenance. You cannot get blood from a stone.

It is not quite as simple as each parent meeting half the cost of raising the child. He cannot give your child what he does not have. I should also point out that he might claim that he took on the burden of a mortgage so that he can provide adequate and suitable accommodation for his child when he has his access.

I'm not suggesting that you should be happy with your lot, what I am trying to do is to show you that the chances of you getting an increase is slim. The most likely outcome of you taking him to court would be to increase bad feeling between yourselves and this will ultimately affect your child.

Have been thinking about your situation and have kept an eye on posts by all other users.

You seem to have a good enough relationship with your ex and ye both obviously love ye're daughter.

Why dont you ask him would he be able to maybe take her shopping for clothes once in a while.

Maybe help out with birthdays, christmas, days out, things like that.

Just maybe if you approach him with the thought in your head that he loves his little girl as much as you do and in the right frame of mind he might just say, sure no problem.

I understand you might be a bit short on cash, aren't we all, but just the way he will help out with other simple things, he just might help out with clothes and special occasions also.

I wouldn't go the solicitor/court direction because I really dont see you getting anything out of it.

Ann84 said:

I don't understand why i should have to suffer the financial burdon, isn't it supposed to be equal because it is not at the moment?
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Unfortunately life is not equal, you cannot think about it as being equal, you have to look at the figures not the fairness. The figures do not add up to what you are proposing.

carrielou said:

Have been thinking about your situation and have kept an eye on posts by all other users.

You seem to have a good enough relationship with your ex and ye both obviously love ye're daughter.

Why dont you ask him would he be able to maybe take her shopping for clothes once in a while.

Maybe help out with birthdays, christmas, days out, things like that.

Just maybe if you approach him with the thought in your head that he loves his little girl as much as you do and in the right frame of mind he might just say, sure no problem.

I understand you might be a bit short on cash, aren't we all, but just the way he will help out with other simple things, he just might help out with clothes and special occasions also.

I wouldn't go the solicitor/court direction because I really dont see you getting anything out of it.

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I'm afraid I'm of the same opinion: I can tell you that I'm a single parent too, and I don't get even 50% of the maintenance that you do. To be fair it was arranged between ourselves, and I do earn more than you. I'd love 2 nights off every week!!

However, my son's father isn't in our lives, and I think the fact that your ex takes your daughter 2 days/nights a week is a god-send for you.

I would do as carrielou suggests above, and you know what, I'd also concentrate on my own life and well-being. Take advantage of the 2 nights off to go out and do something for yourself. You deserve it, you sound like a great mother. If things become strained between you and your ex I really think you'd regret it.

carrielou has given you very sound sensible advice...do try those ideas...your daughter is very fortunate to have him in her life...while i dont think anything would change his relationship with her i think you bringing him to court would make things uncomfortable perhaps in the future between you and him...also i assume you are not married and that means he has no rights regarding his daughter so why dont you mention to him he should have legal guardianship of her.it is important.

Ann, the situation of separated parents can be so very hard. On parents and child alike.

Many adults use their children and it is so wrong.

Many children dont see their Daddy because Mammy is perhaps bitter.

Many Mammies dont get maintenance, or have to fight tooth and nail continuously to get it because Daddy is bitter.

Think of your daughter, first and foremost.

In the blink of an eye, and think of me when the day comes, your daughter will be 16, with a fine mind of her own and she will already be a long time asking Mam and Dad for stuff herself. She will chance ye both probably, oh to be a teenager again.

You will be able to stand and say, "no matter how hard it was at times I never took the love of her Dad away".

Not sure I make 100% sense but what I am trying to say is children grow up very fast. Dont rock the boat in a situation that is near on perfect as far as separated parents go. When your daughter is older she can never say, you took my Dad from me.

And yes, many mothers have done this to their children and also many fathers dont care about their children.

Hi All,

I have been reading the posts above and i do agree that my Daughters happiness comes absolutely first.
The relationship we have as shared parents i relatively amicable but it's only because i have said little in the way of the money situation except from asking periodically for a little help (with no respinse) but to be honest, the problem is that i am sick of bearing the brunt of the costs. And our relationship will sour if i don't resolve it somehow.
It is the frustration of knowing that i have a poorer standard of living so that he can live securely will not sit for the rest of my daughters childhood.
If i only even pay an extra 2000euro a year, that 10,000euro more that i will have to pay over the next 10 years! I'm sorry but that is not cool!
That is alot of summer holidays etc... (i would like one at some stage!)
As far as i am concerned, if he was responsible, he would pay towards his childs actual costs and i will not be responsible for the deterioration of our shared parenting relationship because i am being scammed!
He bought his house when our daughter was a year old and moved his best friend in, that was not to benefit my daughter and i don't believe a judge would see it that way.
He is also a joint guardian which i think is great but it may be only a small amount a week that i am entitled to, but over the next 18-20 years it will add up to be quite alot so i am only going to get more resentful over time as she becomes more expensive.
I will never stop him from seeing her, ever but i do want things to change and i'm shocked that so many posters think it's ok for the custodial parent (male or female) to just 'put up' with it or accept it and never try to resolve it fairly.

Ann84 said:

i'm shocked that so many posters think it's ok for the custodial parent (male or female) to just 'put up' with it or accept it and never try to resolve it fairly.

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Actually in my reading of this thread I see many suggestions from people that you (a) list the expenses and talk to him about where you are short and (b) ask him explicitly to buy clothes or other items or pay for some activity etc...

It sounds to me as though (and I could be wrong), you are annoyed that your own standard of living is lower than your ex's, but he is not required to maintain your standard of living, just to support his child - which he is doing to some degree and the state is doing to another and you are doing the rest - if you feel 'the rest' is out of proportion - then do the suggestions above.

Is there an issue with talking to the ex directly about it?

Its just quite likely the courts wont actually formally award more, but surely if the relationship is reasonable amicable you can discuss how you feel unfairly treated with him?

Ann, you sound so cross over this. Majority of people in this country are probably getting along the lines of €50 to €75 per week in maintenance.

Is his friend paying rent to help with his mortgage.

We are not against you at all pet. I, for one, just do not think you will get any more money by going into court and all that will happen is that you and your ex will prob have ill feeling toward each other and that in turn causes so many many problems.

Yes, it is not fair that he lives in a nice big house and yes it is not fair that you are struggling but I bet my bottom dollar that your little girl is well fed, clean, well dressed and happy and loves her Mammy to bits.

Wont be many of us taking hols this year and there have been many years that I haven't had one. No big deal, my kids will be all grown up before I know it and then I can go on as many hols as I like.

Let go of the anger, upset and frustration this is causing you.

You are a great Mam, I am sure of it, but dont let money get in the way of that.

Money is only handy when you go to the shop!

ann i see your frustration...so go to the solicitors then on to court and try and get what you want and please come back and post what happened...i for one would like to know how you get on...you come across as a very strong reliable honourable sort of person. all the best to you.

You are actually implying that your relationship with him will sour if the money issue is not sorted out. No matter what, you as the mother and responsible parent should not let this happen. You have responsiblities and obligations to your child not to let things get out of hand. How bitter will you be if you go to court and get nothing extra which based on the figures posted on here you in all likelyhood you will not get? Maybe your anger is directed at him for another reason not posted on here as after all broken relationships are complex.
Instead of looking for equality look for what is in the best interest of your child.
Why don't you put youself in a situation where you will earn enough to take care of the child yourself in the future if you feel your standard of living is not good enough?
Sorry if this sounds like I'm lecturing, it's not meant to be. Being a single parent can be a frustrating experience, hell, being joint parents is frustrating.

ann84, It's not easy i've been there and done that myself. Now i've not read every post on here 100%, some i skimmed cause they were very similar.

I know you feel your hard done by, but your actually doing very well, it wont be long then your daughter will be in school and costs will go down, and your'll still have the maintenance that your recieving now.

I dont mean this to sound hard i really dont but i dont see how your not managing on what you have, I have 2 children and i recieve 100 euro in maintenance a week ( which was awarded by the court ) both my children are in school now, but when i was paying childcare my maintenance didn't even cover half and i had 2 set of fee's to pay not 1 and i lived in dublin. Their father didn't look after them what so ever, he never even saw them he hasn't for years!!!!

I know everyone says that kids are expensive and i'm probably going to be shot for this there not that expensive. I dont spend that much on my children ( talking about clothes, shoes, food ect ) For their birthdays and christmas family and friends will buy them new shoes and clothes and then 1 toy each. And if they do need bits and pieces through out the year hello thats what pennys and dunnes are for, you can get some really nice things for next to nothing especially in the sales. Kids dont need 100 different outfits, how many times have i heard friends say she only wore it once and now it's too small, obviously didn't need it in the first place. And i must point out that my kids NEVER walk around looking scruffy, they are always well presented.

Fiancially speaking you must be able to cut corners somewhere. I'd be very surprised if you did go to court and were awarded more than what your already getting.

Hi,

have read throgh all the posts and just wanted to add.......I was in your situation and sat down with my ex to discuss how much kids were costing me.

I only wanted him to pay his proportion.....he earns more than me, but all I wanted was what was fair.

He laughed at how much I reckoned the kids cost bearing in mind he had not loooked after them for over 7 years full time and decided he was in fact paying more than he should be.

he took ME to court hoping to reduce the amount that we had decided ourselves and was actually ordered to pay quite a lot more than he had been paying.

It has soured relationships between us completely.

we no longer talk, BUT my kids are old enough to speak to their dad themselves now.

My solicitor was of the impression that I was "bullied" by my ex......ex always said if i went to court for higher maintenance he would no longer have contact with the kids....i never wanted to have that on my head and that prevented me from sorting the money out much sooner.

in the end it was HIM who got it sorted for me, but I DO regret not having done it myself much sooner.

I believed like you that I was "lucky" that my ex saw his children, but in retrospect if he had commitments they came first despite any arrangements already made.

I think you have to do whats in your heart.

I wouldnt recommend rocking the boat, and would weigh up very carefully how you would manage if for example he stopped helping with your child and you were completley on your own......

if you can manage.....like I found I could......I didnt need his help with the children , but I did want him to maintain the father relationship then you have nothing to lose.

if he loves your child a disagreement with you shouldnt mean he doesnt see her.....if it did what does that say about him??????????

but sometimes time is money, if he is minding your child whilst you are working etc then you are very lucky to have this....

Im really interested as to what happens here.......single parenting is never easy, its not just about the money.....I would have given so much for a few nights a week off......but that doesnt negate the fact you are feeling short changed and my only advice is not to let it cloud your judgement.

soon your child will be old enough to be left alone....all too soon, even if it does seem a lifetime away!

keep us posted

i should add that on a salary of 60K he pays E63 per child per week ie e825 per month.....salary my side is e48,000 plus child benefit nothing else.

Hi all,
Just a quick update. I had a preliminary advice sessio with a solicitor today. They told me that based on my information, i should be entitled to more maintenance as he pays nothing towards her costs (outside of childcare). I was also told that if he wishes to seek more access, he will have to bring me to court on a seperate date so it will not be dealt with in tandom with the maintenance issue.
They could not confirm an amount as it depends on a number of factors but i will definately get something more and at least it will be a legally standing order, so irrespective of the monitory aspect, i will no longer have to chase him around for ad-hoc support.
They have suggested that i pursue this, so i thinnk i will. There is now, a 4 month waiting list for me to think about it but what is there to loose except a growing resentment!

Ann84 said:

They could not confirm an amount as it depends on a number of factors but i will definately get something more

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Could you tell us the number of factors? Do you think it will be worth it if you say get 10 Euro more? What will your legal bills be?

Hi Bronte,
I am entitled to free legal aid as i spend almost 60% of my income on housing and childcare alone! So my legal bill will be minimal.
The other factors are his salary, his expenses, his mortgage and there is also the matter of the last year and a half where he has had minimal financial input. I have bank statement showing every amount he has given.
Be aware that this is a last resort on my part. I had organised mediation which he refused to attend, i have tried to sit down and go through figures with him to agree an amount ourselves on a number of occassions in which case he has gotten aggressive and said i am 'screwing' him and i have told him that i would be looking for legal advice before Christmas, he has had plenty of time to be reasonable.
The fact is that in a way, i am paying his mortgage so that he can live on his own and i am raising his daughter financially alone by him not paying his half equally. I am trying to reduce the tension in our shared parenting relationship by making things fair.
Yes i absolutely believe that it's worth it, 10 euro per week = 520 euro per year * 18 years is 9360 euro!!!
I hope that it will be a little more than that but the bones of 10,000 euro over my daughter childhood and our quality of life, definately worth it.

I just re-read my last post and it doesn't read well.
I know that in some respects i should be glad that he pays something and do appreciate the fact that he sees his daughter but at the same time, we are both a similar age, earning a similar amount, working similar hours and minding our daughter. There is an oppertunity for us to start on a level playing field and i want to take it.
I don't think it is going to be easy ans i am 100% sure that he will do or say something horrible or try to hide his earnings etc but i just don't care anymore. Things are not fair now, so all i can do is try...

Ann I wish you all the best with it. When you get to court could you come back here and give us an idea of how it went?

I really hope that you don't sour your parenting relationship over this and that your child gets what they need.

ann 84

good luck with the whole thing.

really...let us know how you get on.

AND take heart..........if the father lets this sour parenting relationships that is HIS doing.

You should do what you feel is right by your child at the time, I didnt and now regret it, for the sake of good relationships which then soured wen my children were old enough to be caught in the middle of it all.

I suppose what Im trying to say is go for it, and dont be out off and scaremongered into holding back based on how good the father may or may not be in the future.



good luck.

Hi All,

As requested i just wanted to give an update.
I did pursue the maintenance through the court but i am actually still on a waiting list to be seen!
I put forward the option of mediation to the father again on the back of the court application and he agreed to go through mediation in order to avoid going through the courts.
Through mediation, we have now settled an agreement in he is now legally contracted to pay maintenance. He has also agreed to return the money he owes from 'missed' payments back to the beginning of the year.
I found mediation very useful and am very happy with the resulting agreement. It covers access as well as maintenance and it is all fair.
Although he did attend mediation, it was only following a court application and i wish it could have just be discussed reasonably but at least now i know where i stand and so does he.
I know it could have caused friction, but so was his lack of maintenance and now that it is resolved, i am much happier about the situation.
I cannot tell anyone what to do, just giving my experience following the OP.
Note: he would never have attended mediation if i had not gone to the courts so i am happy that i did, but i am much happier that it was resoved through mediation rather than court in the end.
Godd luck to anyone who has related situations.