Bring back the Jokes!

Another one from Emo Phillips: "You think you're so much better than me just because your girlfriend's real".

I posted the first reply to this thread last night and it's gone... okay the joke was poor but still.....
 
Re: Bring back the Jokes! Rodney Dangerfield quotes..

  • I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  • My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
  • once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
  • I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
  • I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
  • With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
  • My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
  • My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
  • One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
  • I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

  • During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


 
worker rings his boss "i dont think i`ll be in work this morning boss, im suffering from Anal Blindness"... Boss asks, "whats that"..? He says " i cant see my This post will be deleted if not edited to remove bad language getting out of this bed". Boom boom.
 
Graham_07 said:
There was a man who worked for An Post whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am a 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had €100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected €95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:


"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was €5 missing. I think it was those fu****s at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna"
Click to expand...


Neil Tobin???
 
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
 
This girl walks into a bar and see's Sean Connery sitting on his own in the corner. She approaches him and asks can she sit with him. He says "Shure, the names Bond, James Bond, double O sheven"

They enjoy a drink together when the girl notices James Bond's fabulous watch he is wearing.
"Wow James, that is some watch you are wearing! i bet it can do loads of things?"
"Shure it can" Bond replied
"Like what?" the girl asks
"Like ehh" James examines the watch "Like it can tell me things about the people around me"
"Really" the girl giggled "what does it say about me?"
James looks closely at his watch.. "Well, it says that you are not wearing any knickers!"
Surprised, the girl puts her hand on her waist to check for the lining of her knickers.
"But James i am wearing knickers"
Shocked, James looks at his watch again "Ah Sh!t, Damn thing is an hour fast!"
 
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and
> was standing in the queue at the till.
> A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet
> again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
> hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way
> that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot
> nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry &
> that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
> again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue
> was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
> behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
> condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was
> because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car
> hit me.
>
> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
> laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>
>
> Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
 
lorna said:
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and
> was standing in the queue at the till.
> A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet
> again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
> hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way
> that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot
> nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry &
> that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
> again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue
> was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
> behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
> condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was
> because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car
> hit me.
>
> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
> laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>
>
> Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
Click to expand...

A fellow standing at a bar observed a labrador doing what you alleged you were at when you were hit by a car and he said to the barman "Jaysus I would love to do that.

The barman replied

" If you give him a bone he will let you :D

Lorna.....how could you do it ? :confused:
 
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