Bring back the Jokes!
- Thread starter Gordanus
- Start date
D
deew
Guest
Why did the orange go to the Doctor?
Cos it didnt PEEL well!!
Cos it didnt PEEL well!!
A few Emo Phillips quotations....
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
DrMoriarty
Moderator
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- 5,173
What do you get when you call a teddybear Mohammed?
انكم جميعا يموت ويذهب الى الجحيم
Excellent - whatever happened to him?
One of my favourites:
"People say I'm paranoid but I know I heard a guy on a building site telling me that he wanted to kill me - in morse code with his hammer"
Steve(n) Wright was great too.
C'mon then - what is it?
DrMoriarty
Moderator
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Google is your friend.
You subversive little minx you!
(Had no idea it could do non-roman script BTW)
DrMoriarty
Moderator
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- 5,173
انت تعلم شيئا جديدا كل يوم!
There was a man who worked for An Post whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am a 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had €100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected €95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was €5 missing. I think it was those fu****s at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna"
"Dear God,
I am a 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had €100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected €95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was €5 missing. I think it was those fu****s at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna"
jonnyhotspur
Registered User
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- 147
Another Emo special
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too!
Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too!
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too!
Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too!
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Ceist Beag
Registered User
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- 1,442
So a rabbit walks into a post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"No this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"No, I told you yesterday this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"For the third time, this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"Listen you jumped up little ****, if you come in here one more time asking for lettuce I'll nail your two big floppy ears to the floor so hard they'll hear you scream in space, got it!"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any nails mister?"
"No"
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"No this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"No, I told you yesterday this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"For the third time, this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"Listen you jumped up little ****, if you come in here one more time asking for lettuce I'll nail your two big floppy ears to the floor so hard they'll hear you scream in space, got it!"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any nails mister?"
"No"
"Got any lettuce mister?"
Some Steven Wright for you:
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you."
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
What do batteries run on?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
(courtesy of http://www.wright-house.com/steven-wright/steven-wright-jokes.html)
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you."
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
What do batteries run on?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
(courtesy of http://www.wright-house.com/steven-wright/steven-wright-jokes.html)
elefantfresh
Registered User
- Messages
- 450
You heard about the addict who injected himself with curry powder?
He ended up in a korma.
He ended up in a korma.
A guy is alone in a bar sipping his pint and enjoying some of the peanuts on the counter for customers..the barman goes downstairs to change the kegs when suddenly the drinker hears this voice saying "Wow you look great today"...and " Thats a lovely aftershave you're wearing" ..he looks around bewildered as no one else is around.
When the barman comes back he explains to him what he heard, to which the barman replied.."It's the peanuts mate, they're complimentary!!"
When the barman comes back he explains to him what he heard, to which the barman replied.."It's the peanuts mate, they're complimentary!!"