RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - WRITTEN BY CATS, FOR CATS
Bathrooms
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare - humans really like to be watched.
Doors
Do not allow any closed doors in any room - humans sometimes try and trap cats inside a specific room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain or snow.
Chairs and rugs
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or expensive rug quickly. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up as you vomit, so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
Litter Box
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
The Art of Hampering
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "How to Hamper in 7 easy steps"
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
Hiding
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
Bedtime
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. If you are unlucky enough to be a cat with their own kennel / outside sleeping area, remember to Miaow loudly in disapproval as you are being brought outside for the night.
One Final Thought
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your ass to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
Bathrooms
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare - humans really like to be watched.
Doors
Do not allow any closed doors in any room - humans sometimes try and trap cats inside a specific room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain or snow.
Chairs and rugs
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or expensive rug quickly. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up as you vomit, so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
Litter Box
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
The Art of Hampering
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "How to Hamper in 7 easy steps"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. Remember to let out a painful Miaow.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper or use your paw to paw it down from behind. Humans love to watch you jump on their stuff.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
7) If a human is playing a piano, remember to show then you can play too. Jump on the piano and play your favoruite song by walking the length of the piano. If it is very late at night you can do this also, humans love to hear an piano playing at 3 a.m.
Walking 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper or use your paw to paw it down from behind. Humans love to watch you jump on their stuff.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
7) If a human is playing a piano, remember to show then you can play too. Jump on the piano and play your favoruite song by walking the length of the piano. If it is very late at night you can do this also, humans love to hear an piano playing at 3 a.m.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
Hiding
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
Bedtime
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. If you are unlucky enough to be a cat with their own kennel / outside sleeping area, remember to Miaow loudly in disapproval as you are being brought outside for the night.
One Final Thought
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your ass to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
