Full-Time Mothers: Does this mean that women who work are only part-time mothers?

[DeeFox]

OP here - not trying to make anyone feel guilty or defensive!!
I was watching a programme the other night and when someone spoke text would appear on the screen with their name, what they do and area where they are from. Most people had something like electrician, businessman, etc. - but a few of them were "full time mothers" and it just irked me. I agree that it is a full time job in itself but I think that someone who works is also a full time parent! I suppose it is a question of labelling - not sure of alternatives though. How about the term "stay-at-home mother/father"??

 

[ney001]

OP here - not trying to make anyone feel guilty or defensive!!
I was watching a programme the other night and when someone spoke text would appear on the screen with their name, what they do and area where they are from. Most people had something like electrician, businessman, etc. - but a few of them were "full time mothers" and it just irked me. I agree that it is a full time job in itself but I think that someone who works is also a full time parent! I suppose it is a question of labelling - not sure of alternatives though. How about the term "stay-at-home mother/father"??

I think it's a valid question & it is something that has come up in my own circle. I have friends (like me) who have or want kids but also have careers. I have other friends who think everything stops the minute kids come along and if you are not at home looking after them 24/7 then you are somehow a bad parent. I have heard on numerous occasions - the old chestnut of 'letting a creche rear your child' etc and have even been asked myself why would I want kids if I intend to work??. A friend of mine is completely ignored and left out by the ladies on her road when they get together for walks or even a drink, she is the only one who works and a couple of the women have made very snide comments about this to her face. She laughs it off but when the door is closed I suspect she has the usual guilt suffered by working parents. These arguments always turn nasty and defensive because it's such as passionate subject for parents.

I have also noticed lately that due to recession and loss of jobs, more women are staying at home - that's fine if they're happy with that - but what does grate on my nerves (as in the case of a family member) is when they act like this was a decision that they selflessly made i.e she willingly gave up work for the sake of the child - she then proceeds to preach about the joys of being a stay at home mother & how nothing compares blah blah blah - weird because I don't feel the need to preach about the joys of working!

As Huskerdu says - if you're happy with your arrangments then live and let live - every single family operates in a different way and every parent raises their child differently.

Re names for me I think stay at home parent and/or working parent should do it - sure your close friends and family know what you do - does it really matter to anyone else??

 

[thedaras]

Re: Full-Time Mothers

Children at school 9 to 3, doing homework/ having snacks/ playing 3 to 6; at home or at sport training for the next 15 hours. I would hardly describe them as being being "reared" by somebody else when it's really less than 3 hours a day.

I would much prefer a child to be in after-school care than being dragged to shops, supermarkets and appointments (hairdresser, queuing for car tax, yadda yadda).

Why would you "drag" them to your appointments when you would have time to get those things done in the morning?

My kids are not it school from 9 till 3,not for many years in some cases.
9 till 11.30 Playschool.Next 9 to half one,next 9 till half 2,next 9 till 3.45.
Who do you think helps them with their homework?
Who do you think makes the "snacks"?
Who do you think brings and collects them from after school activities?
I am the child of a full time working mother ,I know which option I want for my children.

 

[thedaras]

I hate when women describe themselves as being a "full-time mother". Does this mean that women who work are only part-time mothers?

If someone is a " full time worker" does that mean that when they are on their lunch/breaks/holidays/sick days/weekends etc that they are part time workers?

 

[D8Lady]

As Huskerdu says - if you're happy with your arrangments then live and let live - every single family operates in a different way and every parent raises their child differently.

Hear, hear!
Why do we expect all women to fall into the same life once kids are involved? Some love the full time homemaker routine, others run screaming up the walls for lack of adult interaction and take their furstrations out on their children.
For many work is a necessity - children do need to be housed, clothed, fed and all that costs.

Do whatever works for you to keep you, your family sane and healthy.

 

[Bronte]

If you have a set-up that you enjoy and is working for you and your family, be thankful.

That just about sums it up.

 

[Firefly]

This is a very sensitive issue. However, I feel most families have a choice. To stay at home one parent must sacrafice a salary and probably delay career progression some what. It will mean a cutback on material items etc.

At the top of the agenda though, IMO, is what's best for the child.

We spent a LOT of time making our decision that Mrs Firefly would stay at home rather than opting for the creche option. As Mrs Firefly via her qualifications will more than likely be the higher earner in our family longterm this was a big decision for us to make.

Below are our reasons and I cannot stress that this is not a dig on parents who go the creche route.

Before we made our decision we observed children who visited our home who went to creche. We found that they were very clingy to their parents and grabbed our baby's toys and wouldn't share.

I think minding one or two of your own children is a difficult task. I'd question the ability/dedication to minding many more that aren't even your own.

Creches IMO operate like a production line - all the babies are fed and changed at the same time. We didn't want our baby sitting in a corner with a dirty nappy for upto an hour

Everyone has a bad day, we don't want any adult having a bad day near our child

Babies and young children aren't able to communicate what goes on in creche. If their hair is pulled etc we'll never know.

When our child is sick we want to be the ones doing the caring.

I remember as a kid in school finding the days very long. To a 9 month-old stuck in a corner it must seem an eternity

Having said that..our plan is to put our children into creche for perhaps 1 or 2 days a week when they are 3 years old as I think at that stage they will have a very solid and secure upbringing and the social development as well as art and games etc would be good at that stage.

There are a few more if I thought about it.

Again I'd like to stress that I don't want to offend anyone and if someone can offer positives to creche etc I'm open minded.

 

[Mel]

Re: Full-Time Mothers

Why would you "drag" them to your appointments when you would have time to get those things done in the morning?

My kids are not it school from 9 till 3,not for many years in some cases.
9 till 11.30 Playschool.Next 9 to half one,next 9 till half 2,next 9 till 3.45.
Who do you think helps them with their homework?
Who do you think makes the "snacks"?
Who do you think brings and collects them from after school activities?
I am the child of a full time working mother ,I know which option I want for my children.

I've no idea why some people feel the need to bring their children to every chore they attend to, but they do.

To answer your questions - I'm in no doubt as to who does those things:
I check homework each evening, and we correct where necessary, therefore I help with it.
Snacks I believe do not require to made by anyone in particular? Hot dinner at home each evening, made by me.
I bring and collect from after school activities - did you know that they are not ALL on between 3 and 6?

I'm the child of a stay at home mother who resented her role, and I know that I'd prefer my child to have a happy parent, and this works for us. We're incredibly close. We make the very most of the time we are at home together, whether it's watching tv, or baking or whatever.

I apologise, my original post wasn't meant to be an attack on anyone's preference; I just prefer my time with my son to be 'quality' time, not boring him senseless having coffee with friends or around the supermarket etc. Each to their own.

 

[michaelm]

I hate when women describe themselves as being a "full-time mother".

"Full-time" or "stay-at-home" what does the label matter? It's just semantics.

Does this mean that women who work are only part-time mothers?

This thread was certain to become divisive form the start.

My own view is that, where financially practical, young children are best cared for at home with a stay-at-home parent (ideally their mother). IMHO people feel guilt, in general, for a reason and often try to rationalise their choices so as to assuage such feelings.

 

[annR]

OP here - not trying to make anyone feel guilty or defensive!!..... but a few of them were "full time mothers" and it just irked me. ....

DeeFox I don't think it would have irked you if you weren't feeling a tad defensive about it yourself. Honestly none of us will never have any control over all the labels used out there (apart from not using them ourselves) - better off being happy with your own scenario so that these things don't irk you. I'm much more bothered by some of the labels used for women in general than I am about mothers in particular.

Firefly, did you actually go and visit any creches before you made your decision? If you did they must have been terrible to give you the impressions you seem to have of creches. They're not all like that .. . .

 

[Shawady]

As Mrs Firefly via her qualifications will more than likely be the higher earner in our family longterm this was a big decision for us to make.

Just out of interest, why did your wife make the decision to stay at home if she is potentially the higher earner?

 

[annR]

"Full-time" or "stay-at-home" what does the label matter? It's just semantics.This thread was certain to become divisive form the start.

My own view is that, where financially practical, young children are best cared for at home with a stay-at-home parent (ideally their mother). IMHO people feel guilt, in general, for a reason and often try to rationalise their choices so as to assuage such feelings.

Plenty of mothers don't need much of a reason to feel guilty other than not being perfect. I feel guilty if I am 10 minutes late getting my child her tea but that is not actually a big deal.

When you say rationalising their choices you make it sound like they are deluding themselves into thinking something bad is good - perhaps it's just a matter of reminding themselves of the positives as well as the negatives of a given situation, to stop unnecessary agonising about something they've already decided it's the best/only way.

 

[liaconn]

This is a very sensitive issue. However, I feel most families have a choice. To stay at home one parent must sacrafice a salary and probably delay career progression some what. It will mean a cutback on material items etc.

At the top of the agenda though, IMO, is what's best for the child.

We spent a LOT of time making our decision that Mrs Firefly would stay at home rather than opting for the creche option. As Mrs Firefly via her qualifications will more than likely be the higher earner in our family longterm this was a big decision for us to make.

Below are our reasons and I cannot stress that this is not a dig on parents who go the creche route.

Before we made our decision we observed children who visited our home who went to creche. We found that they were very clingy to their parents and grabbed our baby's toys and wouldn't share.

I think minding one or two of your own children is a difficult task. I'd question the ability/dedication to minding many more that aren't even your own.

Creches IMO operate like a production line - all the babies are fed and changed at the same time. We didn't want our baby sitting in a corner with a dirty nappy for upto an hour

Everyone has a bad day, we don't want any adult having a bad day near our child

Babies and young children aren't able to communicate what goes on in creche. If their hair is pulled etc we'll never know.

When our child is sick we want to be the ones doing the caring.

I remember as a kid in school finding the days very long. To a 9 month-old stuck in a corner it must seem an eternity

Having said that..our plan is to put our children into creche for perhaps 1 or 2 days a week when they are 3 years old as I think at that stage they will have a very solid and secure upbringing and the social development as well as art and games etc would be good at that stage.

There are a few more if I thought about it.

Again I'd like to stress that I don't want to offend anyone and if someone can offer positives to creche etc I'm open minded.

How can you make a post like that and say it's not a 'dig' at parents who put their kids in a creche? My nephew went to a creche and was very well looked after. I never heard of him being 'stuck in a corner' or sitting in a dirty nappy for an hour, or the carers taking their bad days out on him. Also, he was very good at sharing his toys because this is one of the things you have to learn and get used to in a creche. It also made him less, not more, clingy as he was accustomed to other adults picking him up, changing his nappy, feeding him etc. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to stay at home when they have a baby, and I can't think they found your post very comforting.

 

[michaelm]

When you say rationalising their choices you make it sound like they are deluding themselves into thinking something bad is good

Some are.

- perhaps it's just a matter of reminding themselves of the positives as well as the negatives of a given situation, to stop unnecessary agonising about something they've already decided it's the best/only way.

Perhaps.

 

[Firefly]

To group my replies.

How can you make a post like that and say it's not a 'dig' at parents who put their kids in a creche? My nephew went to a creche and was very well looked after. I never heard of him being 'stuck in a corner' or sitting in a dirty nappy for an hour, or the carers taking their bad days out on him. Also, he was very good at sharing his toys because this is one of the things you have to learn and get used to in a creche. It also made him less, not more, clingy as he was accustomed to other adults picking him up, changing his nappy, feeding him etc. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to stay at home when they have a baby, and I can't think they found your post very comforting.

Again, I didn't mean to offend anyone. Whilst I agree that not everyone has the luxury to be able to stay at home I think a lot of people could. It means cutting back on spending etc, but it's still possible. I suppose you'd have to ask yourself if one of the earners lost their job and had to stay at home would you manage? I'm guessing there are a lot of people in this situation at the moment, who have lost their jobs and are minding their children at home fulltime.

why did your wife make the decision to stay at home if she is potentially the higher earner?

This was a big call for us to be sure. The reason that Mrs Firefly is staying at home is that we honestly believe that she has the better skills to rear our child. I know I could do it and commend fathers who stay at home, but in our case Mrs Firefly would be better than I. We simply took money out of the equation and asked ourselves, in an ideal world, what would we do. For us it was Mrs Firefly staying at home. We then asked ourselves if we could live in this "ideal world" (excuse the expression!) and we found that we could. Not saying it's easy. If I was to lose my contract, Mrs Firefly would go back to work and I'd stay at home.

Firefly, did you actually go and visit any creches before you made your decision? If you did they must have been terrible to give you the impressions you seem to have of creches. They're not all like that .. . .

I spoke to 2 creche owners (both outside our living area). Both said that for babies aged 9 months (stationary) they are put into their own area and largely left to play with themselves. One of them said it was due to constraints, the other actually thought this was a good idea.
I think in about 30 years time we'll have a good idea on the pros/cons of the creche model as we will then be able to compare people who have spent their formative years in a creche versus those at home. Given that it is a largely recent phenominum (none of my friends etc went to creche) we don't know the longterm issues (if any) it will cause. This was another reason we didn't want to go down the creche route.

 

[liaconn]

I spoke to 2 creche owners (both outside our living area). Both said that for babies aged 9 months (stationary) they are put into their own area and largely left to play with themselves. One of them said it was due to constraints, the other actually thought this was a good idea.

Are you sure you didn't misunderstand? Babies of 9 months don't normally play with each other or even register each other. Neither would they react well to older kids pulling toys away from them. Maybe this is what they were talking about, as opposed to meaning the babies were just left in a corner and ignored, with no adult interaction or toys to play with.

By the way, I have a large number of cousins and only two went to a creche (back in the seventies when it was quite unusual). They are generally agreed to be exceptionally well adjusted, rounded, nice and successful adults - which cannot be said for all of the rest of us cousins .

 

[truthseeker]

I have 2 teacher friends who claim that they can spot the children who went to a creche on the first day of school as their social skills are usually much more developed than those who didnt.

 

[Firefly]

Are you sure you didn't misunderstand? Babies of 9 months don't normally play with each other or even register each other. Neither would they react well to older kids pulling toys away from them. Maybe this is what they were talking about, as opposed to meaning the babies were just left in a corner and ignored, with no adult interaction or toys to play with.
.

I don't think I did, but because perhaps we had our mind made up I could have alright. hmm!

 

[Firefly]

I have 2 teacher friends who claim that they can spot the children who went to a creche on the first day of school as their social skills are usually much more developed than those who didnt.

I agree & that's why we plan to send our children to creche 1 or 2 days a week when they're about 3.

 

[Shawady]

I have 2 teacher friends who claim that they can spot the children who went to a creche on the first day of school as their social skills are usually much more developed than those who didnt.

A nurse that does developmental checks on 2 and 3 years olds told me the exact same thing.