Unmarried Couple Separating-Complicated

S

Spuds

Guest
Hi All,

Am looking for some advice or maybe someone who has been in same position.
Myself and my OH (unmarried) decided to build our own house, my father gave me an acre site beside my home house, at the time my father didnt want any of his land to be sold off in the event of it backfiring, as you can understand, so the 3 of us signed something in the solicitors office, i'm not sure but think it was called a Declaration of Trust in where if we ever separated i would buy out his half of the house but i would always live in the house. As far as i can remember the land was put into my name but the mortgage is in both our names. We were all happy with the agreement, my OH did put alot of money into the house himself getting bits done here and there i would say about €30,000 or so, my father also put money into the house approx €80,000 as it was my inheritance. My father passed away suddenly 2 months before we moved into the house, but from there it went downhill, we've gone through 17 months of grief on my part, spoilt as a child on his part (everything was done for him). He is quite fond of drinking with his friends and doesnt often come home at the weekends, I found out after a few months of watching our bills that money was going missing, later turned out to be a Gambling Addiction, we tried to work through that,even though there is quite a bit of debt to be paid off at the minute, at the same time my family business is not going well due to current downturn, therefore i might not have a job in the future. I can just about afford the mortgage, my wage pays all our bills and i reply on him giving my money as my own to spend...he doesnt always give me money, there was a long while where he didnt give me any, but he did put alot of money into the house at the start, I would never be able to afford the current mortgage on my own let alone buy out his half, which i think is half of what the house is valued at today??? In good times it was valued at €565,000.
Basically i cant see a way out for me to have a happier life, we have been together 10 years and it has only been like this since we moved in together 15 months ago...i have finally realised i can't help him anymore and need to make myself happy but dont know where to turn...can anybody give me any advice...thanks in advance
 
Re: Unmarried Couple Seperating-Complicated

Well it is a mess.

Several things you need to do.

1. Talk to a solicitor to completely work out where you stand.
2. Talk to OH - what does he want to do? Does he want to stay in the house, sell the house, sell his share to you etc.,etc.

If push comes to shove, would the property sell? Would you be able to clear off the mortgage?

It might sound unpalatable, but if you cannot buy him out then perhaps selling the property is the only answer.

But you need your own legal advice before you make any proposals.

mf
 
Thanks for your reply,,at the moment we both have the same solicitor both our families have used them for years but i know i can always go elsewhere...he does not see that there is an actual problem, thinks i am over reacting but i'm just not happy anymore...i have asked him to leave a few times before even just stay in his Mam's for a few days until i think things through, he says he'll never leave the house. My home house is right next door, I cant have my own mother worrying she has enough on her plate and also i know he wouldn't look after the house so i dont want to leave. I am intent on holding onto this house as it is what my father would have wanted...i think the only answer is for both of us to continue living in the house until my position changes, it just means there will always be an atmosphere in the house...
 
sorry to hear about your dilemma... i know you say it is what your father would have ''wanted''.... but he would not want you living in a house with an ''atmosphere'' either. I dont think he would have wanted for you to be unhappy

The house is not worth 565k..probably 400k if lucky at the moment.

I think you need to approach an independent solicitor for advice, to establish your options...especially the 'declaration of trust'.... is it worth the paper it is written on?... does that in any way force him to sell in the event of breakup between you?

Alternatively you are with your OH for 10yrs and just rocky for past 15months.... if he was prepared to go to AA or to gambling anonymous to address his addiction, is it something worth spending money on and re-establish you relationship?

Best of Luck
 
Spuds, sorry to hear about your trouble.

The only thing you should be worried about is your own personal happiness. If he has to go then he has to go, simple as that. Drinking with the lads and Gambling is wonderful. The fact is that he just hasn't grown up and has created an 'Atmosphere'. Pity he never grew up and acts like a spoilt child.

Stop the money flow immediately, find a different legal and I assume you are in a country area, so damn those that want to talk about you. Life is for living so start enjoying it.

And Good Luck to you.
 
Spuds

You need to go and get some legal advice, ask around and try and find out who is a good solicitor in your area for issues in couples splitting ( ask friends, collegues etc ) You need to have a foundation to start from and therefore you need legal advice.

When you have recd this advice, you will be able to make informed decisions.Maybe a legal letter might make OH sit up and reflect on his conduct and if it doesnt then i presume you will then have your answer.

Good luck and i hope the outcome either way gives you peace. Senni.
 
Thanks for all the messages...we have been together 10 years, have split for 5 months about 2 years ago, then got back together and got engaged. We were both attending Gamblers and Gam Anon meetings but it only lasted about 4 months which doesnt cure you, but he has been free from gambling since March this year. I would love to see things working out for the better..but the history is not gtreat, his Dad had a gambling problem which lead to his parent splitting when he was very young and probably has an affect on him to a certain extent...as you say he hasn't grown up yet while i am ready to move into the next stage of life and am finding it hard...i'm afraid life will pass me by and i will still end up in this situation. I've decided to put legal advice on hold for this week, we are actually on speaking terms and i think can sort some of this out by talking with ourselves first, i want to keep us on speaking terms rather than arguing if possible, will update you, thanks again!!