Problems when separated dad has kids

truthseeker said:

I dont agree with this at all. Food shouldnt be used as any kind of reward with children! Its not dog training.

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If more people gave their children the same basic training they give to their beloved pets, we might have less of a crime problem and less of a basic stupidity problem in Ireland. At the very least, they might have a modicum of respect for their parents and people in general, instead of the ignorant mollycoddled prigs that are prevalent these days. And I include their parents in that, since it's not a new thing.

The real issue here is the relationship between the two parents. As a separated parent who has a good relationship with my ex, I can say when we swop stories about what our daughter has told each of us about how hard done by she is in the other parent's house, it is testament to childhood imagination and exageration.

Examples: She is allowed to read until midnight in her dad's house.
She can cycle without a helmet in my house.
Her school shoes have holes in them.

Were we to only communicate via email or believe everything she says, either one of us could be up in arms.

I am not saying these children are lying, or exaggerating, but they could be, and as they get older good communication between the parents will become more important, not less so.

Problems with separated dad and kids

Hi! Sarah, thanks for your reply. I don't think my sis' kids are actually exaggerating - they genuinely want to go to their dads. My sister has to email her ex as it was an abusive relationship. My sister is still afraid to confront him directly. Sometimes emails are the only way for people who are dealing with a person who has repeatedly threatened them and made them fear for their own safety. Some people are lucky, but not all, to have reasonable ex spouses.

elainem said:

My sister has offered to pack a tuck box of healthy snacks, but her ex has refused to allow them to be brought into his house.

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Based on this, it sounds like the food is not the real problem. More of a power struggle between the two parents involved. His house = his rules v's what the mother wants for her kids.

He sounds very controlling to be honest. Refusing to let the kids have snacks of any kind, refusing to let the mother pack some snacks, refusing to let his new wife give the kids snacks. Basically, his way or no way. I know there's two sides to every story but making a big stand off about something like this makes him sound stubborn to the point of obsessive.

I think the problem here is not so much whether or not snacks are healthy /necessary (another topic for another thread imho) but rather that there are 2 different methods in 2 different households with little communication between them.

If the kids are used to snacks between meals or before bed then its not weird that they would highlight the lack of snacks in the other house and that they would be hungry for them.

First of all - determine if the 3 meals are large enough. If so then its only a communication problem. Either - change your regime to 3 large meals a day and no snacks or drop an email to the Ex explaining you would like healthy snacks included. In short try to align the 2 households that you are doing the same thing to reduce confusion with the children. For example agree with the Ex that the only snack available in both houses is fruit. Compromise is key.

Interesting thread and interesting responses.

OP - abusive relationship or not, you'd be surprised how many people can't directly communicate once they've separated. Email seems to be the modern way only if at all so at least the medium is there for her.

I tend to agree with others that the whole food thing sounds like a power struggle between both parents. I think for her suggesting to pack a food box while the kids are in his care is out of line and he probably feels undermined and rightly so cause as this thread highlighted everyone has a different idea of what is enough when it comes to eating. When the kids complain to the mother, what are they actually saying in terms of when they tell their dad that they're still hungry what is his response? He must say something back to them? Also how often does he have them incl. overnight?

One thing to bare in mind, kids are used to a certain routine and if they spend most days with Mum and Mum feeds them more than 3 meals then this is what they're used to. It doesn't mean that Dad's goal is to starve them...Also you said that the fridge is packed. What exactly is in the fridge and what happens if kids just go and get a yogurt out of the fridge? When I was their age there was no problem with me getting food (snacks like yogurts or fruits) out of the fridge myself without someone putting it under my nose....

Problem with separated dad and kids

Hi! Askonline, thanks for your comments. Maybe he did feel undermined when my sister offered to prepare a tuck box. However, re the fridge, the children are not permiitted under any circumstances to take any food or drink from the fridge. Their dad refuses to stock any yogurts or other foods that the children might like. They are not even allowed to take a slice of bread from the bread bin if they are hungry. The children do stay overnight at their dad. My sister is actually afraid of her ex. I feel for my sister because I think he is being extremely controlling and just doing it to get back at her because she was the one who had the temerity to leave him 4 years ago.