Maintenance

Sarahlouise

New Member
Messages
6
I have one daughter. She is a teenager now and I am just sick of the way her father behaves. If he pays maintenance it is no more than 50 euro a week. It is never paid on the same day either. I never know what i have to work with or if he will put the money into account or not. Anyone who has teenagers know how expensive they are and i want to be able to provide for her needs. It came to a point where i could not afford rent and we were forced to move in with my mum just so i can have a roof over my childs head. Meanwhile he lives in a huge house has regular holidays and also injoys spennding money gambling. I do not even have the money for a night out with the girls or to go for a meal. I do not want money for myself. I just want what she deserves. He did not even bother about the child until her early years were over. In fact she was 7 before he bothered. My child is extremely intelligent and excels in every area of her life. As all parents do i have put my life on hold to ensure she gets the best i can give her. Also he began asking for access and i agreed. Hoping that things would work out. Well he is married and my daughter is not keen on his partner. He would collect my daughter on a friday and leave her with his now wife all weekend. He would spend the time in bed,at the gym or working. This is not acceptable to me so arguements arose and the access ended. He now holds back maintenance and sends texts bribing me. I gave him back access on trial. I suggested going for coffee and taking her shopping which was agreed but he fell back into the old patern of introducing his partner too early which made my daughter uncomfortable and she didnt want to go. I am at my wits end. I feel he should be paying maintenance on the same day every week and also venpaying more than a measly 50 euro when it suits him. I hate the thought of court and also the thought of my daughter having to spend time with his family who by the way never bother about her. I would love some advice please.
 

Sarahlouise

New Member
Messages
6
Also i would just like to add that i am sharing a bedroom with my child. The world is full of men like him and i just want to know what can i do about it lwgally.
 

Sarahlouise

New Member
Messages
6
Thank you for the advice. I only wish I could sever all ties and disgard any contact but we need what little he gives my daughter. I have done my best to ensure they have contact but he keeps messing it up and never shows respect to me when i ask that he takes it slow with my daughter and gives her tine to adapt to him. It is his way or the highway. I dont want to be accused of blocking his access but there is only so much i can take. Also it is my opinion that some kids are better without so called fathers in their lives. My daughter is a well rounded well mannered child.
 

Sarahlouise

New Member
Messages
6
If i go for a maintenance order does this involve court cases and so on? I do not want any more hassle as the stress of not having enough money to live is have a huge effect on me and i can't go through any crap fighting in court. He has a small child as well and she wants for nothing. All i want is what my daughter deserves and needs. Im not angreedy person. When people bring children into the world they should be responsible for them until they leave college. If i ask him for few extra euro he gives excuses that he does not have it but then i hear he is away on this holiday and enjoys poker weekends i am told. This is so unfair in my eyes. Yes it is my fault for picking a loser but surely Ireland needs to step up and hold these men accountable. Women are so unfairly treated in this country.
 

Nicetoknow

Registered User
Messages
24
I really feel for you, it sounds like you have had a very hard time but that you have a wonderful daughter in your life.

It seems like you are going to have to fight for what your daughter needs. I'm sure your daughter will respect that you stood up when you saw and injustice....Maybe not now but in the future.

Maybe someone here could offer practical advice about how to go about getting a decent amount of maintenance for your daughter?
 

Vanessa

Frequent Poster
Messages
196
I am afraid that the only way to get decent maintenance (in the absence of agreement) is the legal route. You will need to start keeping a record of any payments currently being received, regularity of payment, costs you currently incur etc. Of course this will require a solicitor but I think you should mak enquiries with a Citizens Advice Bureau and the Family Court as well. Sometimes initial action by means of a letter from a solicitor to the other party giving notice that you intend going to court can result in an out of court settlement.
I accept that all this can be very wearying but the most important issue is ywour daughter. In a few years she will be in a position to take up Summer work and also put in the effort to get good exam results. She will also see her father for the shyster he is and be old enough to cut off contact
 

Sarahlouise

New Member
Messages
6
I really feel for you, it sounds like you have had a very hard time but that you have a wonderful daughter in your life.

It seems like you are going to have to fight for what your daughter needs. I'm sure your daughter will respect that you stood up when you saw and injustice....Maybe not now but in the future.

Maybe someone here could offer practical advice about how to go about getting a decent amount of maintenance for your daughter?
Thank you for your kind words
 

Feemar5

Frequent Poster
Messages
296
What age is your daughter ? Would she be comfortable to say to him that she likes meeting him but would prefer to see him on his own and maybe less often and make the meetings really special for her. I feel you have to stand up for yourself and your daughter and €50 goes nowhere on an older child - so I would recommend the court route. Of course there is no guarantee that he will pay unless the court put something in place to have the payment deduced from his salary or whatever payment he receives. My friend was in a similar position and the payments were sporadic and eventually the child who was around 10 decided that she did not want to spend time with her father as she felt he was not really interested in doing anything with her and like in your situation wanted to leave her with his partner. Fortunately my friend was in a good financial position and while she was anxious for her child to have contact with the father it not work out.
 

cremeegg

Frequent Poster
Messages
3,036
Here is some advice.

1. Look at your username. Think if you can be identified from it. If so the moderators can change it for you.

2.Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

3. Get a solicitor.


Your daughter will get what you accept for her. At present that seems to be very little. How you feel about going to court is not important. You can do it, get a solicitor and you will have someone on your side. I think a court would give your daughter far higher maintenance, you should not let your dislike of "hassle" stop her getting proper provision.
 

Sarahlouise

New Member
Messages
6
I am afraid that the only way to get decent maintenance (in the absence of agreement) is the legal route. You will need to start keeping a record of any payments currently being received, regularity of payment, costs you currently incur etc. Of course this will require a solicitor but I think you should mak enquiries with a Citizens Advice Bureau and the Family Court as well. Sometimes initial action by means of a letter from a solicitor to the other party giving notice that you intend going to court can result in an out of court settlement.
I accept that all this can be very wearying but the most important issue is ywour daughter. In a few years she will be in a position to take up Summer work and also put in the effort to get good exam results. She will also see her father for the shyster he is and be old enough to cut off contact
Thank you for the
What age is your daughter ? Would she be comfortable to say to him that she likes meeting him but would prefer to see him on his own and maybe less often and make the meetings really special for her. I feel you have to stand up for yourself and your daughter and €50 goes nowhere on an older child - so I would recommend the court route. Of course there is no guarantee that he will pay unless the court put something in place to have the payment deduced from his salary or whatever payment he receives. My friend was in a similar position and the payments were sporadic and eventually the child who was around 10 decided that she did not want to spend time with her father as she felt he was not really interested in doing anything with her and like in your situation wanted to leave her with his partner. Fortunately my friend was in a good financial position and while she was anxious for her child to have contact with the father it not work out.
She is now 14. We have tried every way to try to make it work. She really doesnt like his partner and also feels that she can be a bit off with her as if my daughter is not wanted. I asked him to go slowly and get to know my child. Then when they have confidence in their relationship he could introduce other people slowly. He agreed for about a month and then one day paraded her around his siblings houses like a prize doll without asking my permission. My daughter was very uncomfortable and didnt want to do it again. Bare in mind she didnt know any of these people. Therefore access stopped and now everytime he fails to pay maintenance he throws up at me that i prevent him from seeing her. Yes this is manipulation and he is just saying it for something to throw at me. I am so afraid he will go to court for access as my daughter doesn not want this.
 

Leo

Moderator
Messages
10,294
The world is full of men like him
Perhaps a little insulting to any man reading this.

Ireland needs to step up and hold these men accountable. Women are so unfairly treated in this country.
You can't accuse the system of being unfair if you haven't even engaged with it to go about enforcing your rights. Take the advice above to sort out an arrangement, Post back with your experience of how fair / unfair you found it. May be of great assistance to others in your situation.
 

Thirsty

Frequent Poster
Messages
2,057
I would be very happy to have a discussion about how awful our judicial system is in regards to securing child maintenance, but that's of little help to you just now.

A child has a right to be maintained by both parents, you have to be an advocate for your child to secure that right for her.

Applying to District Court for court ordered maintenance is not difficult, you don't need a solicitor to do so. (An earlier post from Vanessa is incorrect on this point)

Maintenance and access are two completely separate things, one is not dependent on the other. Don't confuse them.
.
When I said get on with your life, I did not say stop all contact. In any event you have no right to do so, your daughter has a right to a relationship with both her parents, just like she has a right to be maintained by both parents.

You need to lead your own life, your former husbands behaviour appears to consume you. It's time to let that go. You can't control other's behaviour, only how you respond to it.
 

Nicetoknow

Registered User
Messages
24
With all due respect to your helpful comments, I'd be pretty consumed by the situation if I and my child was living in poverty because my child's father was shirking his responsibilities.

@Sarahlouise - sounds like you should apply to the district court asap. Dont let this situation continue. There is no reason to continue to feel miserable when there is a route forward, even if the past has been stressful and draining. Start the ball rolling by calling Citizens Advice Bureau....Just do one thing every day towards getting the situation sorted. You will be proud of yourself once you have done this!
 

Purple

Frequent Poster
Messages
9,081
It is very easy to be emotional and angry in these situations, especially when you see the emotional damage that the casual indifference of a parent can have on a child.
I'm a single parent with a daughter who doesn't want to see her mother. Even though our daughter lives with me her mother still gets the children's allowance and contributed very little. There are 3 other children in the mix and they are constantly hurt by their mothers behaviour. The important thing is to not be angry. Most of my difficulties are due to my failure to engage with the system more robustly. That is partially due to the emotional toil of leaving an abusive relationship and partially due to inevitable trauma caused to the children by their mothers anger.
It's hard to get a phone call from your ten year old daughter (one of the other 3 kids) crying because it is her birthday and her mother didn't get her a present or a card or a cake and left her with her older siblings for the day while she went out with her friends. As a father I can't drive over there and give her a hug and take her to my house, what she calls her real home. That sort of thing keeps you up at night.

I'm not having a go at women here; there are plenty of women and men in my position, I'm saying that feeling angry or sorry for yourself, no matter how understandable, solved nothing and is a bad example for your child(ren).

Engage with the legal system; if anything it favours women rather than men but in the end the parent with the most power is the parent who cares least about the kids.
 

becky

Frequent Poster
Messages
924
It is very easy to be emotional and angry in these situations, especially when you see the emotional damage that the casual indifference of a parent can have on a child.
I'm a single parent with a daughter who doesn't want to see her mother. Even though our daughter lives with me her mother still gets the children's allowance and contributed very little. There are 3 other children in the mix and they are constantly hurt by their mothers behaviour. The important thing is to not be angry. Most of my difficulties are due to my failure to engage with the system more robustly. That is partially due to the emotional toil of leaving an abusive relationship and partially due to inevitable trauma caused to the children by their mothers anger.
It's hard to get a phone call from your ten year old daughter (one of the other 3 kids) crying because it is her birthday and her mother didn't get her a present or a card or a cake and left her with her older siblings for the day while she went out with her friends. As a father I can't drive over there and give her a hug and take her to my house, what she calls her real home. That sort of thing keeps you up at night.

I'm not having a go at women here; there are plenty of women and men in my position, I'm saying that feeling angry or sorry for yourself, no matter how understandable, solved nothing and is a bad example for your child(ren).

Engage with the legal system; if anything it favours women rather than men but in the end the parent with the most power is the parent who cares least about the kids.
Hi Purple. I have been on AAM for a good few years. You seem to be a very sound guy.

I just want to say I have great admiration for you and how to are dealing with your situation.

I always enjoy when you comment on any topic.

Thank you. Take care.

From what I can see you are dealing
 
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