Low-cost Medical Interventions for Straitened Times

[mathepac]

The Cat Test

To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, and in order save the delays and exorbitant costs of a psychiatric consultation, Algozzine, Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, or family members. It involves three simple steps :

1. place test subject in empty room facing far wall;
2. place domestic cat in the centre of room, close and latch door;
3. after 10 minutes, open the door.

Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows ultra-fine discriminations between sub-classifications of emotional disturbance and obviates the need for a differential diagnosis. They offer the following (sample) guidelines for the interpretation of results :

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.
2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about the room and on test subject - cat alive, partially bald, very cold.
3. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE
   1. (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly about room - cat terminated.
   2. (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of test subject scattered randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect, approach with extreme caution.
4. PARANOID REACTION - test subject cowering in far corner of room - cat alive and sleeping peacefully in centre of room
5. PSYCHOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about test subject's head - cat assumed terminated, approach test subject with extreme caution.
6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - test subject in centre of room carrying on long existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.
7. NEUROTIC REACTION - test subject asking cat for advice about migraine headache - cat alive, still confused and bravely trying to calculate bill for medical consultation.
8. CATATONIC REACTION - test subject in corner of room with back arched, hair on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive, confused, and sexually aroused.

Please note : no cats were harmed in the evaluation and enumeration of these tests, but the volunteer test subjects, psychiatrists in training, have all opted for careers in dentistry.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to a psychiatric hospital a visitor asked the Director how potential patients were assessed prior to admission.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

THE SELF-TEST - 12 WARNING SIGNS OF GOOD HEALTH *
(If several appear, you may rarely need to visit a doctor; if all appear together, you may be eligible to be a site moderator )

1. Regular eruptions of a supportive network of friends and family.
2. Chronic positive expectations.
3. Repeated episodes of gratitude and generosity.
4. Increased appetite for physical activity.
5. Marked tendency to recognise and express feelings.
6. Compulsion to contribute to society.
7. Lingering sensitivity to the feelings of others.
8. Habitual behaviour related to seeking new challenges.
9. Craving for peak experiences.
10. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.
11. Feelings of spiritual involvement.
12. Persistent sense of humour.

*Adapted from a posting on a US bulletin board, author unidentified. Reprinted in Whole Earth Review (Winter 1994 edition), a compendium of brash thinking and lofty ideas.