Ireland of the welcomes

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

Gross!!!

No, that's not gross ... this is gross ...

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's This post will be deleted if not edited to remove bad language.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Dublin man,Galway man and kerry man,
All working on the tallest building in new york, break time comes Dublin man before opening his lunch says if this is cheese and onion sandwich's again it will be 2 weeks in a row I'm going to go home a give the wife a few digs, sure enough he opens his lunch box and there was cheese and onion sandwich's so he throws it of the roof in disgust, Galway man says if this is cheese & onion again it will be 3 weeks in a row and she will get whats coming to her, sure enough he open his lunch box and throws it of the roof in disgust, Kerry man stands up throws his lunch box of the roof in disgust for christ sake cheese & Onion sandwichs 4 weeks in a row, Dublin & Galway men turn to him and say how do you know it was cheese & Onion you never opened your lunch box?
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Kerry man reply's I made them meself

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex .
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.