Inheritance disappearing

That's a horrible position to be in.
Like all things bad, only way to solve it is to bite the bullet and confront the spendy spendy brother.
If none of your siblings are going to do it, it's incumbent on you to protect your mother in case she incurs any future expenses.
Best of luck dealing with it. But do so quickly.

No one would deny that what's happening is anything other than greed and nasty, but I don't think one should call it theft if there's a family meeting.

The money has been taken without consent - it is theft and it is elder abuse (even if someone didn't really consider themselves as abusing it doesn't mean they didn't) - a family meeting will not determine that. Accusing someone of theft to their face though is hardly likely to engender a positive response whether or not it is true. It will be next nigh impossible to be conciliatory but I assume the OP would prefer not to end up in an acrimonious dispute so diplomatic language might need to be deployed. The OP perhaps also resents the brother that has been using the debit card to fund his lifestyle as he has made specific reference to his brother's spending habits but a consideration may be that the offending brother may have another problem besides taking money out of his mother's purse. If his income ought to be sufficient for his lifestyle then it begs the question is why is doing this? Aside from his anger and embarrassment at being accused, he may also find himself in a difficult position financially as he has been relying on his mother's money to fund his family.

so-crates said:

. If his income ought to be sufficient for his lifestyle then it begs the question is why is doing this? .

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I suspected a gambling problem perhaps. Or a major mortgage problem but there was mention of holidays and expensive clothes so perhaps a lifestyle expectation. I've seen cases where one spouse has certain 'expectations'.

I'm beginning to wonder if there is more than one brother using this card. Could the (carer) brother be covering up some problem of his own

Hi Guys,
Thanks for all the advice. After talking to my other siblings we decided that i would talk to brother that lives at home and that is in charge of finances . I confronted him about the dwindling funds from Mothers account and he was so relieved that it was all out in the open . He said the Brother taking the card kept asking to use it and he dident have the nerve to say no to him . We decided that I should take over managing the remaining funds including taking charge of paying bills (none of the bills ie utilities, were on D/D) and taking debit card from him. We also agreed that he gets a set amount of cash from the Mothers pension each week to pay for food,petrol and misc expenses . The balance left over from pension should well cover household bills and there should also be some savings .
We havent spoken to the brother taking the card and misusing funds yet ,but at least now he has no more access to this,and we are considering splitting balance of funds left (40K)between the rest of us siblings .As for the misused funds we will just have to take the hit on this . I know the Brother taking the funds is getting off lightly but we are a close family and all of our nieces and nephews pal around together so we will probably just let it lie and try and forget about it .Once again thanks for all the advice .

LARD1 said:

just let it lie and try and forget about it

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Isn't this always the way? Those with their elevated sense of self entitlement get away with it. Their attitude is, possession is nine tenths of the law. What are you going to do about it, they say? Come get me if you dare. They can be great actors when needs be but they never really change their spots.

Splitting the €40k between you suggests to me that the rest of you are saying that he has had his money and now we want ours. So you are all grabbing what's left.

It's your mother's money! None of you seem to understand this.

You are not taking the hit for what your brother did, your mother is. The rest of you seem jealous about the money your brother has taken from under your noses.

By your weak brother passing on the card to you he is just repeating what he has done before. He is now passing on the card to the next in line.

You brother should be asked to explain himself. He should also be asked to start paying back the funds he has taken.

No harm if I assume something in all of this? When your father died, did he leave his estate to his wife, ie, your mother? If so, none of you should be helping yourselves to anything and I'm beginning to think that the person left at home doing all the work is being taken advantage of by all of you. In some ways he comes across as being a tad innocent. Apart from him, the lot of you seem to be helping yourselves and if it's your mothers money/funds, none of you should be doing this. If I was the son at home I would go to a solicitor and get good advice, I suggest you who now has the money book tell him this and try and get the "right" and "proper" plan in place, especially for your mother and your brother who is caring for her and her house.

OP ... STOP.
I have to agree with the other posters. I was a little disturbed by your chosen heading "Inheritance disappearing" - you seemed to be implying you have an entitlement to the money. I gave you the benefit of the doubt though and figured you were talking about the only inheritance that has actually occurred, i.e. Your faher to your mother. From your post above - it seems I was wrong. Let's be perfectly clear about this. You have no right to it. It is your mother's money, not family money, not your brother's money, not your money. It should be used for her benefit and her benefit only and preferably at her discretion only. She is perfectly entitled to whittle away the whole amount if she wishes, she is under no obligation to save it for her children. You cannot presume to inherit your "portion" of the 100k your father left her. If she chooses to leave a testament to her children then that is her decision but she is perfectly entitled to leave it to the cats and dogs - though any will at this point would probably be challenged on the grounds of her diminished capacity. If she dies intestate of course it will have to be divided among her family. But that is only after her death. Just as your brother was wrong to take her money and spend it on himself, you cannot split her money among yourselves and take it. It would be theft. Stop thinking about your putative inheritance and start looking long and hard at yourselves.

Hi again,
Yes the posters that asked whose inheritance is it are right .It was left to my Mother . It is not our money to spend ,so we have decided not to touch the remaining funds, and as has been pointed out its not ours to touch .We got a bit carried away when we realised how much had been taken and the red mist descended . Once again thanks for all the advice.