Re: tip-top "top tips"...
This topic is turning into an episode of Viz's Top Tips now ...
...You called?
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If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping
a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first
place, you fat bastards.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring
a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment
or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended
destination in the first place.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing
in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying
one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from
the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and
ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from
behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name.See
how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has
gone.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons
first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on your head, then breaking red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in
a bowl of iron fillings.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling
your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside
your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house
during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same
description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your sh1ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.