grudge held against me by colleague

I have always had a strained relationship with a colleague since he joined my team about 3 yrs ago, because he has almost from day one been hostile towards me - and towards other colleague more senior than both of us. I have always dealt with him by being very careful what I said to him, tried to only talk about work issues etc. as he was likely to "blow up" at me at any stage.
One such blow-up happened last week, cue him shouting at me on the floor etc. New manager called him in and it resulted in us having a couple of "mediation" meetings with this new manger.
In the latest of those meetings said colleauge admitted he had a grudge, or a "chip on his shoulder" against me for 3 years due to something I was supposed to have said to him 3 years ago. He was able to tell me word-for-word what I was supposed to have said to him. Of course I haven't a clue what he is talking about, it being 3 years ago, but the only conclusion is that I said something as a joke, and was misinterpreted by him.
Basically he had a rant at me in front of the manager over something that happened 3 years ago.
Where should I go from here, I don't think a further working relationship is now possible with this man, who has openly admitted as to having a grudge against me for 3 years. It also came out in the meeting that I was passed over for a promotion because of the "issues" between myself and this man, as promotion would have meant I would be his boss. So obviously his problem with me/my reaction to his problem is well known in the company, but until now nothing has been done about it.
Should HR be involved now, should I ask for a move to another team (not possible but I think I should ask), or resign. Tbh, if I didn't have a mortgage I think I would resign this minute!

I think you really need to resolve this issue. I dont think running away from it will help and it is also effecting you climbing the ladder.

Although this might only be trivial to you, it seems that it was not to the person that you effected with your light hearted comments. Everyone behaves in different ways and depending on what was said and the age of the person - you might have thought that it was nothing. Obviously not !

It would probably be best if you go over and sit down with the person while no-one else is around, or arrange a private meeting - like having lunch together.

Explain yourself
Apologise for your behaviour
Explain that you never understood why your relationship was strained and that if you had of known earlier you would have done something about it straight away.

Ask what you can do to make the situation better.
Apologise again................give them time and make an effort to make the relationship more comfortable.

If they then still dont want to know - then you need to sit down with management and ask them what can be done to resolve this situation - noting the fact that this is effecting your promotion prospects and this is indeed not fair.

sorry, I just don't think I should have to apologise to a person who has had a grudge against me for 3 years. At the time if I spoke out of turn, which I know I did not, fine, but not 3 years later. After 3 yrs of hostility from this individual. What I was supposed to have said I would never have said it to anyone, for any reason! Its so far fetched what I was meant to have said.

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I understand and agree with you. I think it is a bit outrageous that it lasted 3 years to be quite honest. They seem very child like.

Their was a girl I used to hate in work. I hardly ever use that word hate. She was a bully in her own small way. I never hid the fact that I did not like her and I was never hostile towards her. One day - out of the blue she said to me "You dont like me do you " ? my response was "No I dont" I never told her why - but she knew herself ! She seemed quite shocked that I told her I don't.
After that she kept away from me and it was great to have the air cleared in such a way that she stopped bullying me with her small smart remarks and I could continue on with my job and work sitting next to her without feeling my face going red from the temper.
When I look back on it now...I should have said it to her from the start. I was young, niave and did not know how to fix this. I was only about 20 at the time.

I think you are letting your pride get in the way. I think you are angry and hurt that it lasted so long and could have been resolved quite quicker.
They did not like you for a reason. You said something that offended them. This is where the problem stems from - and this is where it needs to be fixed. No matter what way you look at it - you caused this problem. You are the one that spoke in a manner that was offensive to the other.
For yourself I would be more so thinking about my chances of promotion - pay increases etc. I still think, even though I agree with what you are saying - that you should bite the bullet and apologise and try and resolve the issue. At the end of the day - I would be thinking of the longer term gains rather than the 30 minutes of misery apologising to someone that I don't like. They might actually become a nice person once the air has been cleared. You two might have things in common.

What did you exactly say to this person. Surely you can remember this. This is fundamental and the root of the problem. Did you not query before as to why this person has been hostile to you.

pinkie123 said:

At the time if I spoke out of turn, which I know I did not, fine, but not 3 years later.

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You have managed to make two contradictory statements in the one sentence above.

pinkie123 said:

Of course I haven't a clue what he is talking about, it being 3 years ago, but the only conclusion is that I said something as a joke, and was misinterpreted by him.

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Your interpretation of what you said. What's his? There is two sides to the story. For us to comment, we need to hear both sides.


You should approach it logically:

1. Establish what you exactly said to this person.
2. Agree with this person that this is exactly what you said.
3. If what you said is spoken out of turn, apologise to the person. This can be difficult sometimes, but it must have occurred to you as to why this person has been hostile towards you. If this is the case you should have never let it go this far, especially if it is now involving the company etc.
3A. If you did not, then agree with this person that no apologetic response etc required from you. Perhaps it should come from the other person!
4. You both can then discuss the matter with the company, outlining all issues have been resolved between the both of you.
5. As Christy Moore would say 'move along, get along, go, move, shift'. Get over it and move along and progress further etc.

I have experienced this kind of thing myself and seen it happen to others at work.

Firstly my response is taking your post at face value and assuming you have given a fair evaluation of what has happened.

In my experience the person in question has a mental illness in the "paranoid" spectrum. They have subsequently been hospitalised for this. But at the time of the accusation this was not yet apparent. The accusation dated back 20 years.
So if this is a possibility you are best to apologise profusely both verbally and in writing and move on. It's there problem and not yours and that will become evident in time.

Regarding observing it happening other people, invariably the "victim" is very defensive type of person with very delicate self esteem, which is easily bruised. Again not your problem, but it won't help for you to escalate it. Just apologise and the "victim" will move on to feel bruised by someone else...then someone else. Eventually it will become clear, whose the problem is.

Mommah, thank you. You have hit the nail on the head. I do think this person has mental issues as you have described. I think saying something normal to him, which a normal person would register a certain way is registered entirely different with this person. I am always on eggshells around him, even before I knew about this grudge.
Btw, what I was meant to have said, could not have been true as I would not have had and do not have any authority over this person, so can only think that the remark was made as a joke.
And to the other posters, thanks for your input, but can you remember everything you have said to a colleague over the last 3 yrs? I think not.
I have apolgised btw to him, in front of manager, If I said something that had offended him.
My reason for this post, is how to go from here - I am the wronged party here. I have been shouted at by this man numerous times, basically my work life has been hell since I have been working with him. As this seems now to be common knowledge I feel I have been let down by the company.
As the grudge was only brought up in a 2nd mediation meeting, after a weekend to think about it, I think it was a way for the man to make an excuse for his behaviour towards me, by blaming it on something I said 3 yrs ago.

Mediation Meetings, paranoid individual, three year ordeal, what was or wasn't said, apologies, victimisation, bullying, guilt - the whole issue appears to be ongoing in a never ending circle.

Ultimately, the issue will have to be settled.

Here's my tuppencehapny worth - This guy is off the wall. He is not going to improve. He has a grudge (rightly or wrongly, we dont know). Mediation, You-know-who-wept.

Now is the time for you to adopt the No-More-Miss-Nice-Guy stance. Start recording everything from the first instance. You will soon have a dossier about him and most importantly how you actually feel. This when written down will have a hard and logic look and finally you have a weapon at your disposal.

One thing is certain i.e. either you or this guy (perhaps even both of you) is a bully. Get the evidence on paper and you will find out soon enough. I say the foregoing as a hardened outsider devoid of the full facts and no offence is meant.

Clearly OP you're not happy with the outcome of the mediation. Have you discussed this with the manager? What would a solution to this problem look like for you. If you focus on what you want, the solution will likely be clearer.Altho it is difficult, try and see this from his perspective. You are naturally quite upset, but do bear in mind that there are always two sides to a story. If the person holds a grudge they felt hurt, and at the moment you feel hurt. You have two real options. Address it by focusing on some workable solution, or seek to remove yourself from it.

You're also apparently not happy with how the company handled it, so you may need to discuss this with your manager privately, again focusing on a solution that seems workable/reasonable for you and her/him.

How has this guy got away with shouting at you on several occasions? Surely he should've been taken aside and told to cop himself on. Sounds like he has anger issues.

Pinkie123 - I know the type of individual you are talking about. We had someone like him in the office before and over a period of years he took offence to every staff member at some point and ended up not speaking to anyone at all - it became so bad that if you had to collaborate with him for work at all and you asked him a question directly he would just not respond, or leave the room. If you were dumb enough not to realise that you were being ignored and spoke more loudly to him so he would respond he would accuse you of shouting at him and leave the room. He was impossible to work with. He also shouted at many people over nothing, and lied on a number of occasions to make himself look the victim. It caused massive difficulty in the office. A mediation session was arranged but he just felt as though he was being bullied and refused to co-operate.

After he was gone we were clearing out his desk and we found some old handwritten papers by him where he had listed the name of each individual in the office and written things under each name like 'X ate an apple noisily at their desk today - date', 'Y had a loud phonecall with his wife at 10.15 that lasted 8 minutes', 'Z stared at me today and whispered to someone when my back was turned'. I mean really really ridiculous stuff. The guy was completely paranoid. There was other stuff found that was just scary - he had taped a voice activated dictaphone under his desk - presumably to record what was said when he wasnt around.

Unless you had babied this person along and walked on eggshells all the time there was no way he wasnt going to take offence at something. He percieved things differently to an ordinary person and he held grudges for things that had happened years ago - things that the other person wouldnt know about or remember.

There is no dealing with someone like this. The person is actually a bully. Always being the victim, always being the one who is wronged.

What is the relationship of this staff member on your team with other staff? Is he generally perceived as a difficult person?

If I were you I would be involving HR - particularly on the issue of being passed over for promotion because someone else was holding a grudge against you.

Concentrate on behaviours. It is completely unacceptable that he shouts at you. You or HR or his manager need to ensure that this behaviour does not happen again.

Complainer said:

Concentrate on behaviours. It is completely unacceptable that he shouts at you. You or HR or his manager need to ensure that this behaviour does not happen again.

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+1

It is also unacceptable that he has been hostile to the OP for 3 years now. He is entitled on a personal level to not like the OP, but on a professional level he must treat her with common courtesy and not be hostile or difficult towards her.