J
Joe Nonety
Guest
The following 50 points are a clue for why Gazza never fulfilled
his full potential.
1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and
Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots
included.
2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse:
"Church Of England."
3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand"a go" on a
workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the
pavement to the amusement of shoppers.
4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to
the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded
him of Russ Abbot.
5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting
team line-ups with footage of each player mouthing his own name.
Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing
'f***ing w***ker.' Broadcasters across the world had to use it all the way
through the tournament.
6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony
Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's
upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off, Norway."
Then ran off laughing.
8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby
Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of
his sock.
9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped
enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.
10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions.
Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.
11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the
hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton.'
12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's
Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said
yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.
13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the
infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to
be a transvestite.
15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one
occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand
high to signal a free kick.
16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that
refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the
official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked
for his troubles.
17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the
beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his
doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the
Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One
reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable
response:"I feel like a kebab with onions."
18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack
Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler
to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw
all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown
into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a
whopper. Lesson over.
19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin
Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle
Underground.
20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo
Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was
play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg
with his tongue lolling out.
21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season
tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional
Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it
to the airport.
22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90
by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend
'Gazza.'
23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak
Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish
Chef.
24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the
filling and replaced it with cat excrement.
25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training
socks and ordered lunch.
26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston,
then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.
27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a
few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder
of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the
shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him
in the cheek.
28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he
informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and
knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside
that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or
Omo.
29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and
caused £310,000 worth of damage.
30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.
31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly
boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his
nose for five seconds........Jimmy could. Twice.
32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest.
Picked bingo.
33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five
Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."
34) Was banned from Liverpool's Cream nightclub in advance within days of
joining Everton last summer, because the Evertonians who run the place
wanted him to avoid temptation and stay fit.
35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by
playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.
36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the
1991 FA Cup Final.
37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver
Hardy and Braveheart for photo opportunities.
38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched
into a Sheffield barber shop and demanded "a Waddle cut."
39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal
with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley
Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met
then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank
you for the best three days of our lives"
40) Was asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were
treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.
41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the
slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder
thought he'd committed suicide.
42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a
cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers."
43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then
farting at ear-splitting volume.
44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13
that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the
combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh."
46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his
four-wheel drive Jeep.
47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not.
Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys,We
Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer.'
48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner
which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta.'
49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with
virtually every member of the Genoa side.
50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for
breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no
bloody bacon!"
his full potential.
1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and
Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots
included.
2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse:
"Church Of England."
3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand"a go" on a
workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the
pavement to the amusement of shoppers.
4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to
the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded
him of Russ Abbot.
5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting
team line-ups with footage of each player mouthing his own name.
Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing
'f***ing w***ker.' Broadcasters across the world had to use it all the way
through the tournament.
6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony
Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's
upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off, Norway."
Then ran off laughing.
8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby
Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of
his sock.
9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped
enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.
10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions.
Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.
11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the
hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton.'
12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's
Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said
yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.
13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the
infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to
be a transvestite.
15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one
occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand
high to signal a free kick.
16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that
refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the
official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked
for his troubles.
17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the
beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his
doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the
Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One
reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable
response:"I feel like a kebab with onions."
18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack
Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler
to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw
all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown
into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a
whopper. Lesson over.
19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin
Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle
Underground.
20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo
Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was
play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg
with his tongue lolling out.
21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season
tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional
Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it
to the airport.
22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90
by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend
'Gazza.'
23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak
Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish
Chef.
24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the
filling and replaced it with cat excrement.
25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training
socks and ordered lunch.
26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston,
then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.
27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a
few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder
of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the
shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him
in the cheek.
28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he
informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and
knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside
that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or
Omo.
29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and
caused £310,000 worth of damage.
30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.
31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly
boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his
nose for five seconds........Jimmy could. Twice.
32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest.
Picked bingo.
33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five
Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."
34) Was banned from Liverpool's Cream nightclub in advance within days of
joining Everton last summer, because the Evertonians who run the place
wanted him to avoid temptation and stay fit.
35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by
playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.
36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the
1991 FA Cup Final.
37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver
Hardy and Braveheart for photo opportunities.
38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched
into a Sheffield barber shop and demanded "a Waddle cut."
39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal
with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley
Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met
then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank
you for the best three days of our lives"
40) Was asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were
treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.
41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the
slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder
thought he'd committed suicide.
42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a
cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers."
43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then
farting at ear-splitting volume.
44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13
that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the
combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh."
46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his
four-wheel drive Jeep.
47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not.
Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys,We
Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer.'
48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner
which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta.'
49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with
virtually every member of the Genoa side.
50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for
breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no
bloody bacon!"