Re: .
Horrible said:
Here's a free 'Rough Guide to Ireland':
1. Ireland averages 3.9 hours of daylight.
2. It rains almost constantly.
3. The Inland Revenue are like the gestapo.
4. The oppressive regime makes day to day living a nightmare.
5. Rediculously expensive.
6. On the verge of a property crash.
7. The last reason to visit Ireland has bitten the dust. Pubs are now overpriced and crap.
In summary, save your money and go somewere better than this cursed land.
IRELAND FOR BEGINNERS:
Pub etiquette:
The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each
participant takes turns to shout an order.
To the outsider, this may appear casual; you will not
necessarily be told it's your round and other participants
may appear only too happy to substitute for you. But make no
mistake, your failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed.
People will mention it the moment you leave the
room. The reputation will follow you to the grave, where
after it will attach to your offspring and possibly
theirs as well. In some cases, it may become
permanently enshrined in a family nickname.
Woolly jumpers :
Ireland produces vast quantities of woollen knitwear and,
under a US/Irish trade agreement, American visitors may not
return to the States without a minimum of two sweaters, of
which one at least must be predominantly green. Airline
staff may check that you have the required documentation before you are
allowed to disembark.
Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person
wearing a woollen jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by
Americans to identify them to muggers, thieves and knackers.
Irish people and the weather:
It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people
who only come into their own when the sun shines on
consecutive days (which it last did around the time of St Patrick).
For this reason, Irish people dress for conditions in
Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March
to see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and
cafes, enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on
their skin. The Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of
optimism over experience: Every time it rains, we look up at
the sky and are shocked and betrayed. Then we go out and
buy a new umbrella.
Ireland has two time-zones:
(1)Greenwich Mean Time and
(2) "local" time.
Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three
days behind GMT, depending on the position of the earth and
the whereabouts of the man with the keys to the hall. Again,
the Irish concept of time has been influenced by the
thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it can
only be measured by reference to another body and can even
be affected by factors like acceleration. For instance, a
policeman entering a licensed premises in rural Ireland late
at night is a good example of another body from whom it can
be reliably inferred that it is fact closing time. When this happens,
acceleration is the advised option. Shockingly, the relativity argument is
still not accepted as a valid defence in the Irish courts.
Irish Dancing:
There are two main kinds of Irish dancing:
(1) Riverdance, which is now simultaneously running in every
major city in the world except Ulan Bator and which some
economists believe is responsible for the Irish economic
boom; and (2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly
blouses and you still may not express yourself, except in a
written note to the adjudicators.
The wearing of the green :
Strangely enough,Irish people tend to wear everything except
green, which is associated with too many national tragedies,
including 1798, the Famine and the current Irish soccer
team. It's possible that green just doesn't suit the Irish
skin colour, which is generally pale blue (see Weather).
Gaelic games :
St Patrick's Day brings the climax of the club championships
in Gaelic games, which combine elements of the American
sports of gridiron and baseball but are played with an
intensity more associated with Mafia turf wars. The two main
games are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference
being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is
also "camogie" which is like hurling, except that in fights
the hair may be pulled as well. Definitions of hurling
"the fastest game on earth" was best described by a Cork man
to an American tourist when he said "its like a cross
between ice hockey and murder"
Schools rugby:
St Patrick's Day also brings the finals in schools rugby, a
game based around the skills of wrestling, kicking, gouging,
ear-biting, and assaults on other vulnerable body parts. The
game is much prized in Ireland's better schools, where it's
seen as an ideal grounding for careers in business and the
law. It is well-known that St Patrick banished the snakes
from Ireland. Less publicised is that he also banished
kangaroos, polar bears and Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, all of which were
regarded as nuisances by the early Irish Christians.
Signposting:
In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get
from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple.
Signposting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (either that
or the other way round)of pace/time, and works on the basis that there is no
fixed reference point in the universe, or not west of Mullingar anyway.
Instead, location and distance may be different for every
observer and, frequently, for neighbouring road-signs.
The good news is Language. Ireland is officially
bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road-signs. This allows you to
get lost in both Irish and English.
Clothes:
Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask:What clothes should I
bring?
The answer is: All of them!
Religion:
Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with
the two main denominations being "us" and "them". In the
unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the
correct answer is:"I'm an atheist, thank God".
Then change the subject