Ever decreasing circles - social life contraction a normal phonomenon??

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Betsy Og

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First off this is not a whinge, I'm quite happy with my lot, and maybe therein is a clue. Just struck me before Christmas that my social circle is a) slowing decreasing & b) mainly originating from years back.

While I generally get on well with loads of people, I'd have few close friends and with geography etc they are dispersed. Work and sport are the main ways I meet people - dont do much pubbing (none in walking distance, no public transport, babysitter stuff etc). So while plenty of acquaintances, (would like to think I'm liked - even if on a fairly superficial level) hardly anyone to ring up for a pint.

Its probably lack of effort on my part but in general I think fellas dont tend to keep in touch as much as girls, or dont tend to forge new friends after a certain stage. As I'm married with 2 young kids we're our own crew and maybe that makes me not bothered about going out.

So while there's no great problem to be solved, just wondering if this is a common phonomenon ..... or am I just Billy-no-mates !!! aaargh ;-)
 
Betsy,

That's some handlebar on this thread - don't think any of the mods. will argue with it :D

IMHO its all down to getting older and generally family commitments. Easier and cheaper to stay at home, relax and maybe have a quiet drink.

Surely its Betsy-nomates!
 
Betsy Og said:
First off this is not a whinge, I'm quite happy with my lot, and maybe therein is a clue.
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Maybe your mates are similarily happy with their lot. I think we all change over time. I have lots of old friends who have gone their own way and who no longer keep in touch but when I look back I see that it was probably more me that kept in touch in the old days anyhow. You get tired of doing this after a while.
 
Well friendship takes effort and when youre nice and settled with the other half it can be easier to get into the routine of just relaxing together rather than hunting out the mates.

Think it happens to all of us, but my own friends do make efforts to get the gang together every few weeks. Im usually good at keeping in touch but when the other person doesnt bother I give up after a while - its a give and take situation.

Friends are important though - so you should try and make some effort with the ones who are special to you. Even just to hang out and have tea and chats - or is that just a girly thing?
 
It's perfectly normal, especially if you no longer live in the area where you were brought up or went to school. Personally, my own friends who I've had for years are dotted around the country. Where I now live, and where I'm not a native, I have connections and acquaintences via clubs/societies but it is difficult to develope friendships as I simply don't have the time to spend as much time with them as I did when I was in school or college.
 
Thanks folks, kind of confirms what I thought. In a geographic sense I've bounced around Ireland a fair bit and am now settled in a new place as is my wife (though neither of us a million miles from our different home towns/parishes) - so I suppose that doesnt help.

I think a crucial point made is the capacity to spend time with people, wife would say she hardly sees enough of me as it is (work can be long), so not easy to find all the time required to develop friendships.

Sue Ellen: Betsynomates - sounds like something on In the Night Garden !!:D
 
Betsy Og said:
Betsynomates - sounds like something on In the Night Garden !!:D
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You see what happens when you have children - all your conversational topics somehow end up back in their territory. Its no wonder the mates are dropping away! ;)
 
I'd be the same as you in that for various reasons, I see my old friends less frequently. For mainly family and work reasons, I think it's hard to find the time to develop new friendships. I know of one guy who has no apparent trouble making frinds and can't live without meeting people but in my opinion, he's neglecting his home life and his dutiful wife is picking up the slack.

I'd agree that women tend to create new friendships much easier than blokes. I think it's because they just do it and don't ponder over whether they might be considered desperate.
 
Couldn't be arsed making new friends. If it happens so be it but I don't care either way. I have a pretty small social circle and I like it like that thanks very much. Weeks might go by and we would see nobody except for work colleagues. We're quite private I suppose but I hate when people think they can just call in to your house casually, regularly, unannounced and for no real reason.

Basically, outside of family there are less than 10 people that I would see socially, regularly.
 
As a slight aside, I'd caution against getting too chummy with the neighbours just because they're handy. While most of them are probably fine, some will come to almost regard your house as an extension of theirs. From my experience, it can be difficult to restore a required level of privacy once it's been relinquished.

My immediate neighbour would like nothing better than for the two of us to be "buddies" and cut each other's hedge/grass "because that's what buddies do". On the odd occasion (e.g. kid's birthday) when he has passed the doorway, it's been difficult to dislodge him, such is his level of comfort. On one occcasion during the Summer, he felt comfortable enough to enter barefoot.

Sorry, I realise I've gone off on a bit of a rant and that this has moved away fro the original subject. I feel better though. Thanks!
 
Staples , I aggree with you regards getting too chumy with neighbours just for the sake of it.
Another road we have never went down is meeting people on holidays and spending the whole time with them and visiting them after.
Maybe we are just unsociable!
 
+1 Staples.

Almost 5 years at our current rural address and none of our immediate neighbours have been in our house - nor us in theirs. A wave when I see them, a few sentences when I pass them and that's it. Don't think I have spoken to any of them for more than 5 minutes at a time and on a total of maybe 6 or 7 occasions. I can't even remember all their names. Perfect.

Start as you mean to go on even if it means appearing a little cold or unfriendly. I have it down to fine art at this stage :)
 
Shawady said:
Another road we have never went down is meeting people on holidays and spending the whole time with them and visiting them after.
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This is great! I thought it was just me but it's liberating to know there are others like me.

I've often heard people rant about the people they've met on holidays and with whom they've developed longer-term relationships on their return.

Personally, when I'm on hols, I try to avoid fellow-paddies like cholera. Nothing personal but I see enough of them the rest of the year.
 
Good thread. It resonates with a lot of my experience.

I moved away from home at 19 for my first job and, after I'd settled there, went home about once a month. When I moved back to Dublin a couple of years later, a gap had emerged between me and the friends I had grown up with and has never since been bridged. After I got married and we moved a couple of post codes away, that gap has only got greater.

The people with whom I'm friendly, where I now live, are all husbands of my wife's friends and/or parents of my kids friends. More acquaintances than friends. When we moved to the area, my wife was manic about establishing a network, particular when our first child was born. In retrospect, the friends she made at that time all admit to the same desperation - at the mother and baby gatherings, there were significant efforts made to forge connections. Also, the friendships she made then, and that have sustained, have one thing in common - none of them are from the area. In parallel to them, with some overlaps, there are another identifiable group of women who are all tight with other, but who are from the area. There's no hostility or anything, rather a tacit recognition that the groups are similar but seperate.
 
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I thought I was antisocial and unfriendly 'till I read this thread.

Thanks lads! :D
 
Glad to know i'm not alone.....or rather that i am and i'm ok with it!
I'd have a small enough social circle and some people would be both friends and family ie my sister in law would be a good friend.

If i'm honest it is laziness on my part alot of the time, i hate talking on the phone with a passion so i'd rather meet up with a friend, have a great night, go for a meal, have a great few hours chat and then maybe not meet up for a month or two.
 
Staples;
I've often heard people rant about the people they've met on holidays and with whom they've developed longer-term relationships on their return.Personally, when I'm on hols, I try to avoid fellow-paddies like cholera. Nothing personal but I see enough of them the rest of the year
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I have met people on holidays over 15 years ago and they are really good friends.
They don't have to be Irish,if you know what I mean, the family we met are Scottish and we have both visited each others families on many occasions,their daughter came to stay with us etc etc.

We also met an Irish couple seven years ago,who we are still in contact with.
I moved house a few times and lived outside of Dublin for a few years also, I was lucky that I have friends from my old neighbourhood,over 20 years ago who we still see, I have friends from the country from the time I lived there and I have my "old" friends also and some new friends ie;known less than ten years.
I think some peoples expectations of others can at times be unrealistic.We all have to adjust to their and our new ways of life/times in their lives ,and I honestly think this is what keeps a friendship going.

If you have friends who live a distance away,make the effort to go visit them,invite them to your house for a weekend etc.

Make that call,so to speak,as the OP said, its probably a lack of effort and someone needs to be the one to reach out.

My Husband does this, he makes time to phone his friends,to send cards ,to organise time together etc..
 
This is the problem with Irish society nowadays

Blow-ins coming to live in country villages and not making any realistic effort to meet the locals or integrate properly into the community

No wonder the country is gone to the dogs
 
ah yes, an item that resonates with people, I can see this being picked up by a features type journalist at some stage :)
 
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