Crap joke for Tuesday!

N

ney001

Registered User
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[FONT=Verdana,] Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns
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> Were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other
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> Called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed
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> And threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
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> Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with
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> Being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any
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> Worries about being eaten."
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> A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is
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> Granted."
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> Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
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> Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
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> Eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and
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> Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates
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> Simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
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> Realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad
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> Plight.
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> While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again
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> and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back
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> into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back,
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> and, low and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
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> With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back
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> to his friends and bought them all a cocktail . Looking
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> around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old
pal.
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> "Where's Christian?" he asked.
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> "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed
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> Sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
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> Eager to put things right again and end the mutual
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> pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the
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> coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the
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> door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and
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> see me again."
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> Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a
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> Shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
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> Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
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> I've changed........."
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> (You're going to love this.....)
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> "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."!!!!![/FONT]
 
Pure gold.:D . There's an ad in the buy and sell today for two tickets for The Killers, no price, best joke gets the tickets. I'm using that 1.
 
Here's crap joke number two (not my own work!)


"Last week I took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when his assistant brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired (insert your favourite consultancy firm here) in order to revamp all our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequently of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are already prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed.

Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?".

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. Anyway, that consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the toilet."

"How's that?" I enquired.

"Well," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of our you know
what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 75%."

"After you get it out," I asked, "How do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know
about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
A man is having a pint in a piano bar.

A monkey sits on top of the piano and puts the tips into a glass for the pianist.
Anyway the bloke is minding his own business when the monkey runs over and puts its nuts (not the edible ones) into the blokes pint.
The bloke obliviously isn't happy and storms over to the pianist and shouts, "do you know your monkey has put his nuts into my pint",

The pianist replies,"I don't but if you hum it I'll try to play along".
 
A bloke goes into town one night and meets this girl in a night club, brings her home and spends the night with her (insert sexual acts depending on who youre telling the joke to). Next morning he says d'ya want me to drop you home. Sure, she says, so he drives around for a bit and then pulls up opposite the cappagh hospital in finglas.
What are you doing here she says, I live over there, as she points at the traveller camp across the road.
Ya lying toerag he says, I thought you said you were a staff nurse. She says, I didnt say that, I said I was one of the Ward sisters.
 
Well car... that one elevates above the crap jokes.... that was much to good for this thread :)
 
Okay Wednesdays joke now, apologies in advance :eek:


A guy goes to the Limerick county council offices to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in the lebanon for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment"
and then asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%.......a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K . I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8amto 4pm You can start tomorrow. ..but come in at 10am."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm .... then
why do you want me to come in at 10am."

"This is a council job" the interviewer says........ "For the first two
hours we sit around scratching our bo***cks ....... no point in you coming
in for that!!!!!!!!
 
A horse walks into a bar and the bar man asks,

"why the long face"

or..............

a man walks into a bar with a tiger.
The tiger lies on the ground in front of the bar.
The barman says the the tigers owner, "you can't leave that lying there".
Your man says back, "it's not a lion, it's a tiger".
 
Man in a Japanese restaurant calls over to the waiter, "This chicken is rubbery!"
The waiter smiled and said, " Ah, thank you very much!"
 
Have to repeat this one...
eileen alana said:
How To Clean A Cat

  1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

  2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

  3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

  4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

    Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
    too close to the edge, as his paws will be
    reaching out for any surface they can find.

  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

  6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

  8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

    Sincerely,
    the Dog
Click to expand...
Brilliant!
 
Dog with three legs limps into the Longhorn Bar in Dodge City. A cowboy asks him what is he doing there.

he replies ' I'm looking for the man that shot my paw'
 
car said:
a Bloke Goes Into Town One Night And Meets This Girl In A Night Club, Brings Her Home And Spends The Night With Her (insert Sexual Acts Depending On Who Youre Telling The Joke To). Next Morning He Says D'ya Want Me To Drop You Home. Sure, She Says, So He Drives Around For A Bit And Then Pulls Up Opposite The Cappagh Hospital In Finglas.
What Are You Doing Here She Says, I Live Over There, As She Points At The Traveller Camp Across The Road.
Ya Lying Toerag He Says, I Thought You Said You Were A Staff Nurse. She Says, I Didnt Say That, I Said I Was One Of The Ward Sisters.
Click to expand...

Lmao!!!!
 
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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly:










"Paint….......my.............…house."
 
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