DrMoriarty
Moderator
- Messages
- 5,173
10 Things You’ll Never Hear From A Consultant
1. You’re right; we’re billing you waaaaaayy too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “on board” or “value-added”!
3. How about paying me based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read about.
5. Actually, the only difference is that I charge more than they do.
6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can’t take the credit. It was Ciaran in your MIS department.
9. The problem is, you simply have FAR too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks OK to me, you’re doing just hunky dory.
10 Things We Wish We Could Say To Consultants
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of ****e.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a f*ck.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
5. I’ll have my people screw your people.
6. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
7. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
8. Ahhh, I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again.
9. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
10. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
10 Ways To Make That Next Meeting With All Those Consultants A Bit More Interesting
1. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice, while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
2. Wear a hands-free mobile phone headset throughout. Every so often, drift off into an unrelated conversation such as: “I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!”
3. Use jargon you picked up from watching “Apocalypse Now” and all those other ‘Nam movies such as “what’s the ETA?”, “who’s on recon?” and “Charlie don’t surf”.
4. Write the words “he FANCIES you!” on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
5. Drop meaningless and confusing consultant-speak into conversations such as: “What’s the margin, Pete?” or “Can we minimise brand churn quotas through SWOT and ROI analyse.”
6. Pull out a large roll of £20 notes and count them demonstratively.
7. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
8. Respond to a serious question with: “I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast”.
9. Shave one (just one) of your forearms.
10. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When one of the consultants is prompted to interject, shout: “I AM NOT FINISHED YET!”.
1. You’re right; we’re billing you waaaaaayy too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “on board” or “value-added”!
3. How about paying me based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read about.
5. Actually, the only difference is that I charge more than they do.
6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can’t take the credit. It was Ciaran in your MIS department.
9. The problem is, you simply have FAR too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks OK to me, you’re doing just hunky dory.
10 Things We Wish We Could Say To Consultants
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of ****e.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a f*ck.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
5. I’ll have my people screw your people.
6. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
7. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
8. Ahhh, I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again.
9. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
10. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
10 Ways To Make That Next Meeting With All Those Consultants A Bit More Interesting
1. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice, while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
2. Wear a hands-free mobile phone headset throughout. Every so often, drift off into an unrelated conversation such as: “I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!”
3. Use jargon you picked up from watching “Apocalypse Now” and all those other ‘Nam movies such as “what’s the ETA?”, “who’s on recon?” and “Charlie don’t surf”.
4. Write the words “he FANCIES you!” on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
5. Drop meaningless and confusing consultant-speak into conversations such as: “What’s the margin, Pete?” or “Can we minimise brand churn quotas through SWOT and ROI analyse.”
6. Pull out a large roll of £20 notes and count them demonstratively.
7. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
8. Respond to a serious question with: “I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast”.
9. Shave one (just one) of your forearms.
10. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When one of the consultants is prompted to interject, shout: “I AM NOT FINISHED YET!”.