Back up or back off?

T

thedaras

Registered User
Messages
812
Following on from another thread the subject of backing up others came up and I think it deserves a thread of its own.

It has to be my biggest bug bears ,especially when you have just had a conversation and the person you are with belives and says they belive something to be correct,and then when the subject comes up they say NOTHING!!
Why??
What does it say about them?
What does it say about those who require the back up?
I for one would have a major issue with those who say one thing but never manage to voice it when required!It shows a spinelessness(is there such a word??)that allows others to walk all over them!
Ranting is good
 
In general I would back someone up if I knew for absolute certain they were wronged in some way.

One thing that has always bugged me at work has been people moaning and complaining but if a manager was to ask about or broach the subject suddenly heads go down and feet shuffle. I have never been too afraid to speak up when needed but it has gone against me and I would be less inclined to do so now unless I was sure I could depend on support.

You do have to wonder about people who agree with something then say nothing when they ought to, are they spineless, unwilling to seem like a trouble maker or do they not really believe and just saying what they think each person wants to hear?
 
As I've said on the other thread, I really can't stand people like this. They're just cowards who want everyone else to fight their battles while they just moan on and on about things without making any attempt to change them. It does my head in.
 

I hear you..Im always the one who hears the moaning and groaning and Im always the one who will try to tackle it too..while the others stand by and dodge the bullets,.

Re are they just saying what others want to hear..I have had other people start a conversation about something that has upset them,,ie it was initiated by them and then when they get the chance to say/do something,they do nothing!!And there is me,arguing on their behalf!!With them doing the " thousand mile stare",ie; looking skywards,as if to say,its nothing to do with me!
 
liaconn said:
As I've said on the other thread, I really can't stand people like this. They're just cowards who want everyone else to fight their battles while they just moan on and on about things without making any attempt to change them. It does my head in.
Click to expand...

It does my head in too!
Im starting to stop backing others up now.

What about a scenario where you had a partner/mother/daughter /friend etc who didnt back you up, what do you do?
Should we all realise that we have no back up and the only person we need to back us up is ourselves?
Or are we correct that its right to expect a level of support?
 

If something is wrong and needs to be changed and you are one of the people who's been giving out, then it is really pathetic to suddenly go all quiet when the boss or whoever gets involved.

Re family situations, it would depend. Deliberately dragging someone into a row you're having with another family member isn't fair. But they should get involved and play their part if its a serious problem eg an alcoholic who needs help and is disrupting family life, an elderly parent being exploited by a family member or some such. Leaving someone else to take on the problem while you bury your head in the sand is selfish and cowardly.
 

If I was in the right, knew I was right and they too knew it and they didn't back me up then I would be displeased to put it mildly.

I really do believe now you can only truly depend on yourself. I wouldn't expect my husband to back me if he knew I was wrong, but would hope he would tell me before I opened my mouth to someone!

If someone I consider a friend didn't back me when they ought to then I wouldn't consider them a friend any longer.
 
My wife always says, Its people making balls for you to throw them, She means certain people will get you on their side of an arguement or dispute and when its showdown time they take two steps back and you are at the forefront of the dispute as if you initated it. My attitude is 100% honesty with people who are complaining about a situation, If I think they have a point I would support them, If I dont then I dont, If you dont share their problem tell them straight out and walk away from it, Thats what I do and I could not care less what they think of me, You are only an asset to them as long as you allow yourself to be.
 
Last edited:
Once I was a branch secretary of a union. I was elected to the position having defeated the previous person who was largely silent. I did not realize what I was getting myself into and if I did I would not have been as voiciferous.

I was active as branch secretaries go and used to get a little peeved at the amount of people who wanted representation and their anonymity to be observed. However, still I represented them.

By nature people are somewhat afraid that their career prospects could be disimproved because of union representation. Therefore, you have the ones that will leave the union sec. act as James Connolly and Jim Larkin.
 
I seldom ask for back up, in fact I cannot recall a time when I asked for it.
In RL I have occasionally needed help to do something and been fortunate to receive it.

I have sometimes lobbied support in real life, when on Committees, to ensure a vote gets passed.
Again, a vote is for a person's conscience and I wouldn't ask someone to betray that to support me.

I have supported people who did ask for backup and not counted it against them if they left me on the front line.
People asking for back up are often near the end of their tether, so its a bit unrealistic to expect them to be as forthright as before.

Having said that I don't take "sides" in arguments, I argue the point - and I would not support someone generally unless I agreed with their position.
I've enough to do remembering my own positions on things without remembering assumed positions!

Plus there is no loss of face having made your point and backing out.
In fact its a fools who persists when all points have been made.

ONQ.
 
onq;1187875[quote said:
]i seldom ask for back up, in fact i cannot recall a time when i asked for it.
In rl i have occasionally needed help to do something and been fortunate to receive it.
Click to expand...
ok,but i think the point of someone supporting you or backing you up is that you should not need to ask for it,if the person has already made it clear that they are on your side.

i have sometimes lobbied support in real life, when on committees, to ensure a vote gets passed.
Again, a vote is for a person's conscience and i wouldn't ask someone to betray that to support me.
Click to expand...

i think the context you mention is different to situations where lobbying is not involved,ie work or family situations..and in fairness i dont think anyone means that someone should go against their values /conscience.

I have supported people who did ask for backup and not counted it against them if they left me on the front line.
People asking for back up are often near the end of their tether, so its a bit unrealistic to expect them to be as forthright as before


having said that i don't take "sides" in arguments, i argue the point - and i would not support someone generally unless i agreed with their position.
I've enough to do remembering my own positions on things without remembering assumed positions!
Click to expand...
this is the point..someone agrees with a point of view and in fact argues strongly for it and then backs off when it comes to the crunch. Of course no one would/should support someone whose views they disagree with,again this is about those who purport to support a view.
Then backs off when it comes to the crunch.

plus there is no loss of face having made your point and backing out.
In fact its a fools who persists when all points have been made.
Click to expand...

ahh this is where i fundamentally disagree with you.
I feel that someone who makes a point and then backs down does lose the respect of others,in that they become unreliable,untrustworthy.
We need to have the courage of our convictions and stand up and back up those whose views we agree with.its through talking and making your point known that arguments/.issues are settled,not by just making your point and walking away.
Too many people give others the "Tin hat" and send them into battle with no ammunition,and no one to reload,the other party then has a very strong position,and naturally the tin hat man will be shot down.
However i am aware that you may be viewing this in a different context.

Onq.[/quote]

 

That's not really what we're talking about, though. We're talking about the kind of people who get all involved and stirred up about things but, when it comes to doing something about it, take two steps back and leave other people to do the hard work. If we all took that attitude nothing would ever change or be resolved.
 
Exactly Liaconn..And by the way thanks for the back up ..
Isnt it all about reliability of others and trust..and if someone wont put their money where their mouth is.when they profess too,.they are unreliable and it woud be very hard to trust them.
 

I think though these people are notoriously unreliable. They are fond of the drama but ultimately are spineless - harsh I know but true.

Personally I never look for or expect back up. If I believe in something strongly myself then that should be sufficient. Also I find if you take that approach people back you up without you having sought it.
 

But there's also a danger of one person becoming known as a 'troublemaker' at work, or being the one to fall out with the neighbours that keep everyone awake every weekend with their parties. Sometimes you need a group approach to make someone realise it is an issue that's upsetting lots of people, not just one moanbag.
 
Exactly..its not about expecting or looking for back up..its about when there is an issue and several others know it needs to be sorted,and agree that it needs to be sorted,but they let someone else take it on,and then will do nothing and say nothing to support that person.
There is something very unlikable about those who are all talk ,who send others out to battle who have a habit of saying how wrong something is and expect others to sort it knowing they will walk away without having made a stand,and in my opinion its a very sly way to live as they seem to think that they will get someone else to do the dirty work and they get the benefits,if its sorted..but can claim "Clean hands" if not.
They are everybodys friend,and no ones!
 
That is what happened in my case, an issue needed sorting but I ended up looking like the bad one, the trouble causer. Later on the person who didn't back me up had quite a major issue with the other, she kept going on and on to me about how terrible it was, I suspect she wanted me to say something for her to our manager but in the end I just told her if she felt so strong to speak to the manager herself. Not surprisingly she never did...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Menu
Log in
Register