Agreement re Maintenance

My wife is determined to stay in the family home despite it being on a massive interest only mortgage. It’s also the home of our four children.

Theres half a million of equity in it but in an effort to keep up appearances she doesn’t care and is sticking the boot in. We have another 400k in savings.

I want to buy two 4 beds with small mortgages in a less salubrious area 5 min away. She wants to remain at all costs in the home.

Today it costs €37K a year just to keep the lights on. We are at the mercy of interest rates. This includes mortgage, electric, gas, property tax and management fee.

If she was reasonable she’d trade down. I will be relegated to a house share otherwise.

She earns €55k pa, I earn €170k. How much will I be expected to pay her to continue this charade.

Cruzer123 said:

It’s ... the home of our four children

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Keep paying the lawyers until you realise this is number 1 priority.

I guess that the situation has moved on since this?
You need to discuss the issues that you raise in your first post with your solicitor in order to figure out how best to approach this situation.

It has, thanks.

Neither spouse/parent can necessarily unilaterally dictate how things are going to go in a separation/divorce case. And the needs of the children are of primary importance. Talk to your solicitor to get advice on how best to approach this and to develop a reasonable negotiation strategy. If it comes to it (it often doesn't as the spouses often thrash an agreement out to avoid the lottery of a full hearing) a judge/court almost certainly isn't going to order an unsustainable or penurious arrangement.

Focus primarily on the needs of your children. Start with the assumption that the children will spend 50 % of their time with you. Therefore you have a housing need for you and your children just as your ex spouse does. Even if it is not 50 50 you still have a housing need so that you and your kids can live in the same property together. Propose a solution that give you both a 3 bedroom house within the same school and friends area. Stability for the kids in terms of school, access to their friends and regular activities are very important for the kids as well as being able to spend time with both parents.

Given your salary €37K pa does not seem unreasonable so I would not focus on that. Also be willing to listen to alternative solutions focusing again on the needs of the children. Living in a house share will not allow you to have your children live with you to the detriment of your relationship and your ability to parent them.

Apart from house and 400k savings are there pensions and how will they be impacted?

I hope the judge rules with sense here, two 4 bed houses where both parties have a roof over their head and can offer 50/50 with the kids is clearly the winner here.

I presume remortgaging to reduce the cost is not an option?, Otherwise and since it is interest only, in reality all you and your other half are doing is paying a glorified rent to the bank. That may help reduce the €37k pa issue.

Sarah Ryan said:

I hope the judge rules with sense here

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No need to leave it to the judge to decide if both parties and their legal advisors can come to a fair agreement between themselves.

@ClubMan the words 'fair' and 'agreement' are not words I have ever heard a woman come up with in a situation like this - or allowed her legal advisor to act on her behalf in that manner either lol!

But this is clearly the best solution all round, everybody has a roof over their head and that's the most important thing because men matter too. They need somewhere to live their lives as well.

Sarah Ryan said:

@ClubMan the words 'fair' and 'agreement' are not words I have ever heard a woman come up with in a situation like this

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I don't understand? How many separation/divorce cases have you been directly involved in?

Cruzer123 said:

She earns €55k pa, I earn €170k. How much will I be expected to pay her to continue this charade.

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I'm (male) divorced and the earnings of us both prior to divorce were similar to what you have outlined. My divorce agreement has me paying similar maintenance to your ongoing costs (€28K maintenance + health insurance + education fees of up to €14K pa). All other assets including the family home (bought in my own name and paid for before the marriage) and both of our pensions were essentially split 50/50. My ex got full ownership of the family home (€800K+), €42K in cash and 20% of my pension pot in the asset split. I got 80% of my pensions and €140K in cash & €70K investments. All in all, whilest both parties aren't happy with their situation, on balance I think it was fair and our children had miminal disruption to their lives and living circumstances which I'm very happy about.

I had enough for a deposit on an apartment which I then purchased with a small mortgage. It's 3 years since the divorce was finalised and I'm back on my feet financially and can live comfortably and even get away two or three times a year. I'm driving a 12 year old car but it's comfortable and reliable so no worries. I can't afford bling but I've plenty to live on and enough to keep my new high maintenance partner & kids content. First couple of years were tough but now I have breathing space and can look forward to a generous pension and good life in 5 to 6 years. I've no regrets, a good friendly relationship with my ex and kids. I have moved on with my life and the sky didn't fall down so don't fear separation/divorce as it can open new doors for you both and improve quality of life.

You’re a good man. Thanks for the reply. Things must be financially tough now?

For what it's worth, legally enforceable spousal maintenance payments may qualify for tax relief at one's marginal rate.

@ClubMan I have directly been involved with 2 separations and 1 divorce all with children involved.
(2 if you count my own divorce but we had no children and no assets to split we agreed to walk away from each other)

Then a life time of seeing my mother attempt to break my own father So yeah I have a bit of experience in how stubborn women can be when placed in this situation and often not even able to put their children first due to their hatred for a person.

Harsh, but true.

ClubMan said:

For what it's worth, legally enforceable spousal maintenance payments may qualify for tax relief at one's marginal rate.

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That's one area that maybe I should have been more forceful. I pay €10K pa spousal maintenance which in effect costs me €4.8K after the tax relief. The judge did query me in court as to whether I was sure I agreed to this as she said it's not typical. It's not a huge sum after tax but possibly one area that I am overpaying.

DannyBoyD said:

Keep paying the lawyers until you realise this is number 1 priority.

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I take it that you agree that it is in the best interest of the children for both parents to be able to provide family homes for their children in order to maintain an equal and joint parenting arrangement? All data points to this being the best outcome for children.