Advice: Ex wants maintenance in exchange for "pain-free" divorce

D

Daihi40

Registered User
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6
Hi all,

We got a JS almost 5 years ago, which included the "full and final" clause. Everything is mostly amicable enough. We have 2 kids (8 and 6) who live with their mother. When I mentioned before Xmas that we should move along and finalise the divorce, she said she wanted me to commit to private education for secondary for the kids (I estimate about €10-15k p.a. for both kids, which would be split between us). I said I simply can't afford it.

I pay 800pm maintenance for both kids. Which leaves me with approx €3200 net pm before I pay for rent (€1300) /car etc. Between children's allowance, maintenance, salary and Single Parents allowance, bonus etc, she has approx €6800 net pm (she has sent me the figures), of which she spends €1500pm on mortgage.

When I brought up getting the Divorce finalised again a few months later, she said that if I want a "pain-free" divorce, she has been in contact with a number of new solicitors and she wants me to increase the maintenance as she can't afford to live on the money she has every month. The kids are with me approx 1/3rd of the year between every second wknd (we stay with my elderly parents those weekends), half of all school holidays and usually 2/3 weeks during the summer. I also work longer hours, so I can leave early and spend more time with them, I collect them from childcare every Weds and Fri about 3pm and I collect them after sports again on Thurs evenings at 7.30pm going straight from work. I also make use of unpaid parental leave (about 3/4 weeks per year) to spend more time with kids each year, which of course affects my take home pay some months.

The JS took almost 2 years, and was the most stressful thing I've ever experienced, and I just want her to leave me alone at this stage and let us both move along. We both ended up paying over €20k for lawyers/barristers each after she refused to do mediation for the JS and lawyered up immediately, in fact she gave me her solicitors card the day she asked to get separated.

I don't want to spend what's left of my savings (about what I paid for JS) and go through all of this again, and I am only able to save a small amount each month - which usually goes on the kids on a holiday abroad every second year.

So I suppose my question is, what are my options here, if I try and push through with divorce, do people think that the judge will order an increase in maintenance or not? Or would the judge think that she is a bit mad, saying that she can't live off that money each month?

As mentioned in some of the other threads, I'd also like to get the divorce completed, so I can at least feel some closure.

Any advice, ideas or comments much appreciated.
Thanks
 
To be completely honest, it's for what i mentioned above having some sort of closure to the whole sad journey.
Secondly, I think it's an issue for my partner of 3 years. Its not like we are planning on marrying next week or anything but it's not a nice feeling almost needing your ex's consent to decide what you would like to do in future relationships, and to be entitled to this choice, i am supposed to pay...again... it's stressing for my partner i think
 
But you don't need your former wife's consent.

If you believe its going to cost you money and stress then don't do it.
 
You seem to have handled matters with great integrity and to be a very good Dad. I understand the need for closure but pushing for a divorce when matters are still raw sounds like an extra burden you don’t need right now. Moreover, it’s costly and unsettling. You’re partner of 3 years should understand what you’ve endured through the JS and maybe not make it an important issue in the short term. Let the hare sit and the dust settle. Rebuild your life and enjoy it.
 
It’s hard to see how she’d get an increase on those figures but you’d best discuss with a family lawyer
 
Is either of you in a relationship? Planning to marry?

If not, it might be better to leave things be. Your financial circumstances might be better in a few years.
 
I fully understand your desire to finalise things and I agree that you should for your own peace of mind. Unfortunately, unless she is willing to co-operate and sounds like she isn't, then it is going to cost money and probably a lot of stress. My advice would be to set up an initial meeting with your solicitor who can outline the options open to you and the various potential costs. Then you will be able to make an informed decision if it is worth it or even if you can do it yourself without legal assistance. There are also a couple of non-legal companies that might be able to advise.

You are under no obligation to pay for private education for the kids. If she wants that, then let her pay for it. Sounds like she is chancing her arm. When she says she has been in contact with a number of solicitors, sounds like she went shopping until someone told her what she wanted to hear.

Best of luck anyway. Important thing as always is the kids but it sounds like they are lucky to have you.
 
I understand your dilemma. On the one hand you want to move on with your life and put closure on things. This is really only something that people who have been in this situation understand. On the other hand, you don't want to go through an action replay of what went on 5 years ago. I'm not legally qualified as some of the other posters may be, but I can't see from the figures you have presented as a person in the street understand how your ex could look for more money as 5k after mortgage per month even allowing for costly childcare is a significant income.

Reducing your dilemma to purely (cold) financial / legal terms

(1) Kids can only get more expensive over time and new currently unknown expenses can arise. Also your wife's good income could change in the future. So I don't agree with wait until you have more money in the future argument ..
(2) You have a degree of freedom at the moment in that you are not "over a barrel" looking for a divorce from your ex as you are not being pressed to remarry (yet!) by your partner. So if the going gets too tough you can pause it.
(3) On the other hand, if the maintenance was increased now as opposed to say X years time, assuming your kids go to college, you are paying it for the next roughly 14 years as opposed to 14 years minus X...

So its a dilemma around perhaps tidying up your personal circumstances now or perhaps waiting until you "need" a divorce. Nevertheless, even if you never remarry, I understand the psychological closure for some people in formally ending a marriage even if it does not change the day to day "facts on the ground"
 
Thanks everyone for you comments and thoughts - much appreciated, I'll have a good think about what to do next
 
Divorce is never easy on parents or children ,reading your post If I was in your position the sooner I get a divorce the better and I suspect it will work out cheaper also,time to face down the threatening behaveior straight away for your own good,
 
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