Friends' reactions when you're going through a bad time.

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liaconn

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I have been through two majorly traumatic events in the past few weeks (I mean big things). I have been surprised by both the people who have gone out of their way to be supportive, even though I wouldn't have expected it from them, and some of my friends who I'd have expected more from who have barely contacted me, or just sent a brief text or two.

Just wondering has anyone else experienced this discrepancy between what you'd have expected from people and what you actually got?

I'm not whining by the way, just surprised at people's different reactions. Some seem to back off and give you loads of space, others seem to take a more hands on approach to helping you through.
 
Learnt a long time ago to never take these things personally. People always react in different ways and doesn't mean they don't care. They probably just don't know how to deal with it. I also find some people like nothing better than a good crisis and can be very overbearing.
 
Have to agree with Sunny there. I have a sister in law whom I never hear from throughout the year but if ever somebody in my family is ill or somebody has died, she is all over me, helping out, milling around, texting, ringing etc - drives me nuts!! some people thrive on it. If everything is going well it's as if she's not happy for me.

Me personally - i'm quite low key with people even good friends, so if they have something going on in their lives I let them know i'm there and will do anything/everything they need - but I will not be in their faces, I prefer to be a background figure helping out behind the scenes. Plus I am not the best at comforting etc so I stick to practical things.
 
If there's one thing I've learnt from all my years on this planet it is you know your true friends when the chips are down.

I could write reams of personal trauma when I knew my job was in jeopardy some years ago. Some of my work colleagues who drank from the well of human smugness we very unsupportive, condescending and downright insulting. They thought they would never see a poor day, but that day came.
 
I suppose it comes down to different personalities a lot of the time:

Some people want loads of hands on support and sympathy when things are bad, others want to be left alone to cope in their own way;

Some people feel comfortable visiting and talking to people who've been bereaved or very ill, others feel awkward and that they're 'in the way' or 'bothering' people who have enough on their plate.
 
Yeah, agree with Sunny and Liaconn.

You never really know how someone is gonna be with you after something traumatic - also depending on the nature of the trauma.

Went back to work once after a traumatic event and was totally taken aback at peoples behaviour towards me, there were people who couldnt/wouldnt meet my eyes in the canteen, there were others who went out of their way to come and pass a few private words. You just never know. Didnt take it personally one way or the other. Also had a few 'gawkers' ie, asking inappropriate detail at an obviously bad time! Takes all sorts I guess!
 
Leper said:
If there's one thing I've learnt from all my years on this planet it is you know your true friends when the chips are down.

I could write reams of personal trauma when I knew my job was in jeopardy some years ago. Some of my work colleagues who drank from the well of human smugness we very unsupportive, condescending and downright insulting. They thought they would never see a poor day, but that day came.
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I couldn't agree more. Similar thing happened to me and the saying
“If you sit by the river long enough you will see the body of your enemy float by.” is very true. Colleagues who I thought were my friends ran to the hills to save their own ass and never surfaced. I have to say that I get a kind of satisfaction now to see them float past.....
 
On the other hand,people need to look at how THEY behaved when others were in a similar situation.
Sometimes it can happen that you know of someone going through a hard time,and when you look back on it,you were not exactly coming to their aid.

Then when your time comes ,and you don't see people rallying,you may have to look at your own behaviour towards them.

I have found that in some tough situations,there are those who really couldn't care less,and then wonder why others are not queueing at their doors to help out when it hits them..Karma...
 
It can happen in good times as well. When I became a grandparent I didn't receive one phone call from any family member to offer congratulations. My son and partner weren't married when our grandaughter was born. I don't know if this was the reason why phone calls weren't made. Even my own parents didn't offer any congratulations and never spoke about or mentioned our grandaughters name for the first year of her life.
Several of my siblings have now become grandparents and I have to say that it sticks in my throat to participate in any discussion about their children. I know that this is wrong, the child is an innocent but I just stare blankly...
 
thedaras said:
On the other hand,people need to look at how THEY behaved when others were in a similar situation.
Sometimes it can happen that you know of someone going through a hard time,and when you look back on it,you were not exactly coming to their aid.

Then when your time comes ,and you don't see people rallying,you may have to look at your own behaviour towards them.

I have found that in some tough situations,there are those who really couldn't care less,and then wonder why others are not queueing at their doors to help out when it hits them..Karma...
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Thanks Thedaras. That's really cheered me up.

Actually, I'm quite good at keeping in touch with people going through a tough period.
 
You know what liaconn,I was putting in at the end of that post."not related to liaconn"..but I thought it was too obvious.. apologies for that, definitely not directed at you.
What I was trying to get across was,that when those who had no interest in your troubles,come to have their own issues,you should behave as they did towards you,ie:Karma (towards them).
Like soylentgreens post above.( Which shows disgraceful behaviour of those not celebrating his/her grandchild)
 
Sometimes I wish texts had never been invented. It can be very hurtful to receive a brief text when a phone call would have been more in order in the given situation like expressing support or condolences or even just canceling an arrangement. I don't really even consider texts to be making proper contact at all unless it's something like 'don't forget the milk', or 'there in 5 mins'.
 
Personally I am hopeless in helping people and friends that have problems, I never know what to say, and afraid of saying the wrong thing, it does not mean that I do not care. I will help them as much as I can. My wife is the opposite and seems to have a way with things in a bad situation, so she compliments me. I hope I don’t lose friends because of my own shortcomings.
 
SoylentGreen said:
It can happen in good times as well. When I became a grandparent I didn't receive one phone call from any family member to offer congratulations. My son and partner weren't married when our grandaughter was born. I don't know if this was the reason why phone calls weren't made. Even my own parents didn't offer any congratulations and never spoke about or mentioned our grandaughters name for the first year of her life.
Several of my siblings have now become grandparents and I have to say that it sticks in my throat to participate in any discussion about their children. I know that this is wrong, the child is an innocent but I just stare blankly...
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This is a sad post and is a reflection of what Ireland was not too long ago. We are only a few years on from when we shunned unmarried mothers. We used to send our pregnant unmarried girls to England. When we heard of a girl who suddenly had to go away it was followed by "she is in trouble." There are cases where pregnant unmarried girls were sent to mental institutions. Ireland, take a bow. I cringe when I think of what we were.

Roll on this and it is not difficult to see some family members not treating the child of an unmarried girl in the same way as the child of a married girl.
I'm not saying that what happened to Soylent was right, in fact, I'm saying it is dreadfully wrong. Even now we still have a long way to go.
 
annR said:
Sometimes I wish texts had never been invented. It can be very hurtful to receive a brief text when a phone call would have been more in order in the given situation like expressing support or condolences or even just canceling an arrangement. I don't really even consider texts to be making proper contact at all unless it's something like 'don't forget the milk', or 'there in 5 mins'.
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I agree that for some people texts are just an easy way out. But I think for others it's a way of making contact but not intruding at a bad time. A lot of people at the moment are either texting me to say 'text back when it's a good time to call you', or ring me and start the conversation with 'Is this an okay time. Can you talk?'. I know where they're coming from. I remember ringing a colleague to commiserate over the death of her father just as the coffin was arriving at the door for the wake. I felt like I was intruding at a very private time.
 
I think it comes down to a lot of people (including me) are not good at handling these situations and are concerned about saying the wrong thing and therefore say nothing at all or try to avoid the problem.

Over the last few months we've had a lot of trauma in our family and at present are trying to pick up the threads again but like many other posters we have been both heartened and disappointed at some of the re-action we've received from friends, I'm not blaming anyone and maybe I too have learned a lot
 
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