# dating advice - men's perspective



## elainem (6 Feb 2009)

Just looking for some objective advice from the men here. Had somebody doing some work for me who one day put his arm around me and asked me if I was in a relationship. I got such a shock that I said I was, sort of, and he said whoever, he was he was a very lucky guy. Later I texted him and said was only up for frienship with any guy at the moment. He texted me back to say coffee with no strings would be fine. I texted back that this would be greate. This guy is in his mid fifties and I am early forties. He remained quite flirtatious for the rest of the time when the work was being done. He's 99% finished work now - only one tiny thing to be done - so I texted him about this yesterday, said I hadn't been quite truthful - I wasn't in a relationship, but met an old friend in Dublin for lunch and drinks on some Saturdays. I said I am the kind of person that needs loads of time to think so that''s why I was only getting back to coffee issue now - suggested that sometime I would like to meet for coffee at our local heritage place. However, just after I texted him, my au pair, who has lied in relation to money before, told me that he made a pass at her and kissed her when I wasn't here last Fri. Now the guy is completely ignoring me, hasn't responded at all to my text, looked away today when I saw him in the street, and I also don't know who to believe him or my au pair. By the way, not a clingy woman, career, kids, studying, busy life. We had a lot in common, both into property and renting it. Guys, I'd like an opinion. Thanks.


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## mathepac (6 Feb 2009)

elainem said:


> ...Guys, I'd like an opinion...


On him, on you, both as a potential couple, your au pair, yer man's 'hit' rate, what?


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## elainem (6 Feb 2009)

Sorry, Mathpac, on what went wrong. How could a guy go from saying if someone was in a relationship with me he was very lucky and flirting and not saying coffee would be o.k. to not even respondin to text re coffee. I am confused!!!


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## DavyJones (6 Feb 2009)

Heres my two cent,

The guy is a player looking for some fun. He hit on you and the au-pair and probably everyother woman he meets. When you said that you "had to have time to think about things" he legged it, probably not his idea of fun.

If your interested in a causual thing with no strings, he is your man. Because that is what he is after. A man to be avoided IMHO


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## elainem (6 Feb 2009)

Thanks, Davyjones, a least some comorting comments - I must be way out of practice and my antennae need polishing for future forrays.


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## MandaC (7 Feb 2009)

I am obviously also out of practice, because  if someone was doing work for me that I did not know too well put his arm around me I would not be a happy camper.  It is very unprofessional in my opinion.  I must be just an old prude.


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## truthseeker (7 Feb 2009)

my 2 cent is that he was looking for some fun, you gave the impression you werent up for anything, he hit on the au pair - overall not great vibes from someone (hitting on 2 women in the same house he is doing work in). 

Whether or not the au pair is lying, ignoring the text from you and pretending he didnt see you in the street all spells BAD VIBES.

Forget him - he was hoping for a bit of fun but doesnt sound like the serious type.

To echo MandaC - Id have a heart attack myself if that happened as well - bit forward tbh, whatever happened to a nice courtly 'perhaps we could have a coffee sometime' without the maulers being draped over you?


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## ninsaga (7 Feb 2009)

I'd definitely lose it is a bloke came up & put his re around me at work also!


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## Caveat (7 Feb 2009)

I'm a guy  -and I agree 100% with both Davyjones and MandaC.


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## mathepac (8 Feb 2009)

Sounds to me like the guy thinks he is the world's greatest stud and can't handle what he sees as rejection - a fairly fragile ego, easily shattered.

He recognises no-one else's boundaries and sounds like he is very much into power and control.

His behaviour with both you and the au pair was immature and inappropriate; I'd expect better of a teenager.

You're better off miles away from this guy.

If I were a female I'd have levelled him and then shown him the door.


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## S.L.F (8 Feb 2009)

mathepac said:


> If I were a female I'd have levelled him and then shown him the door.


 
Mathepac
Stop beating about the bush and give it to her straight.

OP he sounds like a man I know called Ken.

If you are just looking for a bit of fun fine but if you are looking for a relationship...forget it.


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## Simeon (8 Feb 2009)

Could he now not be playing hard-to-get. I mean, lets face it ......... it is the advice that girls give to girls. So he may have asked one of his drinking buddies! Simple as that, I think.


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## MandaC (8 Feb 2009)

mathepac said:


> ...
> If I were a female I'd have levelled him and then shown him the door.



Thats what would have happened had he "chanced his arm" in my house, but was trying to be polite in my post above.

He would have felt the force of  a kick of my six inch stiletto firmly in his backside.....Though that might have suited him!


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## Sue Ellen (8 Feb 2009)

MandaC said:


> Thats what would have happened had he "chanced his arm" in my house, but was trying to be polite in my post above.
> 
> He would have felt the force of  a kick of my six inch stiletto firmly *in his backside*.....Though that might have suited him!



Not being polite here but that would be the least painful side and not hurting enough IMHO 

Poor thing is probably going through the male menopause.


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## ney001 (9 Feb 2009)

elainem said:


> Just looking for some objective advice from the men here. Had somebody doing some work for me who one day put his arm around me and asked me if I was in a relationship. I got such a shock that I said I was, sort of, and he said whoever, he was he was a very lucky guy. Later I texted him and said was only up for frienship with any guy at the moment. He texted me back to say coffee with no strings would be fine. I texted back that this would be greate. This guy is in his mid fifties and I am early forties. He remained quite flirtatious for the rest of the time when the work was being done. He's 99% finished work now - only one tiny thing to be done - so I texted him about this yesterday, said I hadn't been quite truthful - I wasn't in a relationship, but met an old friend in Dublin for lunch and drinks on some Saturdays. I said I am the kind of person that needs loads of time to think so that''s why I was only getting back to coffee issue now - suggested that sometime I would like to meet for coffee at our local heritage place. However, just after I texted him, my au pair, who has lied in relation to money before, told me that he made a pass at her and kissed her when I wasn't here last Fri. Now the guy is completely ignoring me, hasn't responded at all to my text, looked away today when I saw him in the street, and I also don't know who to believe him or my au pair. By the way, not a clingy woman, career, kids, studying, busy life. We had a lot in common, both into property and renting it. Guys, I'd like an opinion. Thanks.




Just out of interest has he been paid for the work?, i.e will you have to speak to him when he comes back to do the last little job and then pay him?  or did you pay him and then he stopped texting and talking to you?.


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## capall (9 Feb 2009)

Do you think maybe he was just embarassed knowing the aupair would have told you what happened
Youre not seriously interested in him after the aupair incident ?


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## batty (9 Feb 2009)

elainem said:


> Sorry, Mathpac, on what went wrong. How could a guy go from saying if someone was in a relationship with me he was very lucky and flirting and not saying coffee would be o.k. to not even respondin to text re coffee. I am confused!!!


 
Don't be confused, nothing "went wrong"  This man is a Kn*b.  You've had a lucky escape.  Be polite if he has to finish the work but nothing more.  

BTW the arm around my shoulder would creep me out - very unprofessional.


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## gillarosa (9 Feb 2009)

elainem said:


> I also don't know who to believe him or my au pair


 
Hi Elaine,
I'm not a guy but giving my ha'penny's worth, trust and security are the crux of the matter here, trust and feeling secure with another person in your own home. It seems that boundries have been crossed or you fear they have been crossed by both these people (reading a previous thread about your concerns regarding your Au Pair). Its no way anyone should feel under their own roof. Personally I would forget this man at the very least, get him out of your head even if the AP's kissing incident were a fabrication on her behalf his behavior while on the job and out on the street is not a good sign for building a relationship. I'd advise you take some time and make a decision about where you are going, as maybe your lack of time due to your busy work and study life is creating stress which may allow for error in your personal life.


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## elainem (13 Feb 2009)

Hi! everyone, thanks for all your replies - agree that this guy is best left to his own devices and I missed nothing.

Jaybird, the au pair left today - there was just one too many incidents with her - I didn't trust her because of incidents of stealing before Christmas etc., but if I don't have childcare I can't work.


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## Lollix (14 Feb 2009)

This guy sounds like a complete plonker.
I'm surprised that any woman would even consider an approach like that. I'd be inclined to trust the au pair on this one.


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## Brianne (15 Feb 2009)

To be honest, I think I'd get my locks changed if this guy had my keys!!! Sorry!!!


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## Slash (16 Feb 2009)

elainem,

I am a man, and if I was him, I'd run a mile from you, because you're hard work. You make too much of the situation, and guys don't like that. Just tell the truth and say you want to go out with the guy or you don't.


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## MandaC (16 Feb 2009)

Slash said:


> elainem,
> 
> I am a man, and if I was him, I'd run a mile from you, because you're hard work. You make too much of the situation, and guys don't like that. Just tell the truth and say you want to go out with the guy or you don't.



Hard Work!  A guy takes liberties and puts the maulers on someone he barely knows and you call the girl hard work.  Thats what gets blokes a bad name.


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## Sunny (16 Feb 2009)

I think he sounds like a keeper and you just let the love of your life slip through your fingers. 

Seriously though, I thought the stories of tradesmen trying it on with the women that they are doing work for was an urban legend or a bad storyline from a porn movie!


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## Caveat (16 Feb 2009)

Sunny said:


> Seriously though, I thought the stories of tradesmen trying it on with the women that they are doing work for was an urban legend or a bad storyline from a porn movie!


 
Are you telling me that voluptuous women generally _don't_ answer the door in a see through nightdress, sucking their fingers, asking the carpet guy if he needs to lay anything?

I'm sticking with the day job then


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## MandaC (16 Feb 2009)

Ha Ha!  Had two absolutely gorgeous Eastern European guys deliver my couch last year.   Had to restrain myself when they asked "where do you want it"


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## Sunny (16 Feb 2009)

Caveat said:


> Are you telling me that voluptuous women generally _don't_ answer the door in a see through nightdress, sucking their fingers, asking the carpet guy if he needs to lay anything?
> 
> I'm sticking with the day job then


 
I know. I was very disappointed as well. Apparently, when they ask if there is some other way they can pay, they simply mean 'do you accept credit cards'. And when take an interest in the size of your drill, it actually is because they are into DIY.


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## elainem (18 Feb 2009)

Hi! everyone, thaks for all your replies. Glad I definiely didn't go for this one. Just heard that he has an ex, but still spends a part of each day in the ex's house. Apparently, they don't have any sex life, so he hits on other women for this. Can't believe this stuff goes on. Definitely had too much of a convent education or I caught in a complete time warp!! Thanks again for all the replies.


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## Orga (22 Feb 2009)

On the positive side you could consider the fact that he found you attractive. I'm surprised that any woman in her forties who (if she has an au pair) more than likely has a kid or two would need advice on this kind of situation. Was this a wind up? As for relationships, I'm concerned also that you would start thinking straight away about a relationship, surely you'd get to know him first, suss him out. In banking terms you might perform a stress test  to see how he measured up and in aircraft terms you might perform the frozen turkey test.


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## MandaC (22 Feb 2009)

No I dont think Elaine was winding us up, just a bit out of practice - like myself.  

I know how you feel Elaine - I have had two very long term relationships (one 13 years) and then straight away into another 8 year one  so I would be a bit like Elaine in that I am hopeless at reading men.  

Maybe I am just destined to be single.  Elaine - we will start a singles club!


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## gillarosa (23 Feb 2009)

Orga said:


> .....and in aircraft terms you might perform the frozen turkey test.


 
How is that performed on the middle-aged philandering male?


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## UptheDeise (23 Feb 2009)

Elainem, I'm a bit confused here. You stated that you don't trust your au pair because she's a thief. I bet she's an awful liar as well. How do you know she didn't tell this man a pack of lies about you? She probably told him that you were a bunny boiler or some such? Completely scaring him away.

Why don't you find out everything about this man? Surely you must know someone that knows some friends of his etc? If he is a womaniser, he'll have a reputation and that will be becoming known to you.


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## MandaC (23 Feb 2009)

The Man put the maulers on Elaine and then refused to return her text.  She did not need the Au Pair to tell her that this is not the done thing.


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## UptheDeise (23 Feb 2009)

Fair enough. At the end of the day it's tough to make a judgement call on this. I would have to be there to see what went on.


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## UptheDeise (23 Feb 2009)

MandaC said:


> No I dont think Elaine was winding us up, just a bit out of practice - like myself.
> 
> I know how you feel Elaine - I have had two very long term relationships (one 13 years) and then straight away into another 8 year one so I would be a bit like Elaine in that I am hopeless at reading men.
> 
> Maybe I am just destined to be single. Elaine - we will start a singles club!


 
The best thing to do when it comes to look for a partner is not rush head long in thinking this is the one for me. Become friends first, get to know them real well. Don't expect perfection and don;t try and be perfect yourself. You'll have you good days and bad days.

Aslo there is no such thing as Mr Right, just like there is no such thing as Ms Right either


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## gillarosa (23 Feb 2009)

UptheDeise said:


> The best thing to do when it comes to look for a partner is not rush head long in thinking this is the one for me. Become friends first, get to know them real well. Don't expect perfection and don;t try and be perfect yourself. You'll have you good days and bad days.
> 
> Aslo there is no such thing as Mr Right, just like there is no such thing as Ms Right either


 
MandaC I think you are being courted!


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## DavyJones (23 Feb 2009)

UptheDeise said:


> Aslo there is no such thing as Mr Right, just like there is no such thing as Ms Right either




I don't know. The woman I married is everything I could ever have hoped for in a life partner. Although she is not perfect, (her decision to marry me confirms same) she most definitely is Mrs Right. does that make me Mr Right by default?


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## UptheDeise (23 Feb 2009)

DavyJones said:


> I don't know. The woman I married is everything I could ever have hoped for in a life partner. Although she is not perfect, (her decision to marry me confirms same) she most definitely is Mrs Right. does that make me Mr Right by default?


 
Well nobody is perfect. You seem to be very happy. That's what's important.


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## MandaC (23 Feb 2009)

UptheDeise said:


> The best thing to do when it comes to look for a partner is not rush head long in thinking this is the one for me. Become friends first, get to know them real well. Don't expect perfection and don;t try and be perfect yourself. You'll have you good days and bad days.
> 
> Aslo there is no such thing as Mr Right, just like there is no such thing as Ms Right either



Ha Ha....dont think I could be accused of rushing into anything....after 13 years ...
What do you mean no such thing as Mr. Right, maybe thats where I have been going wrong...I will have to settle for Mr. Right Now!


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## UptheDeise (23 Feb 2009)

MandaC said:


> Ha Ha....dont think I could be accused of rushing into anything....after 13 years ...
> What do you mean no such thing as Mr. Right, maybe thats where I have been going wrong...I will have to settle for Mr. Right Now!


 
Woops I must of misread your post. 

Trust me, Mr Right doesn't exist. I have a friend of mine who is Mr Right to his wife. She treats him like dirt. The more he does for her the more demands she makes. The man is after turning into a complete idiot.

If you want to meet someone, get out there. Joins clubs, do charity work, take up a hobby. The more you do, the more people you'll meet and the bigger circle of friends you'll create. I think a lot of people meet their partners through their friends.

When you do find a partner concentrate on the good points, the strenghts so too speak and try and minimise the faults.

Also talk talk talk. If something is bothering you because he has annoyed you he mightn't realise it, so tell him in a polite way. Don't bottle it up.

I hope I don't come accross as patronising.

Best of luck.


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## becky (23 Feb 2009)

MandaC said:


> Ha Ha....dont think I could be accused of rushing into anything....after 13 years ...
> What do you mean no such thing as Mr. Right, maybe thats where I have been going wrong...I will have to settle for Mr. Right Now!


 
Apparently its Mr. Alright that you should be looking for.  Not sure what the difference is or anything.

Slight on topic - I saw 'he's just not that into you' at the weekend.  Tis very funny and worth a trip to the cinema.


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