# Middled Aged Internet Dating



## cavanman2015 (9 Feb 2018)

I'd like the advice of the esteemed & wise people on askaboutmoney about internet dating. I'm a professional man in my late 40s, seperated  and living in Dublin Area. Trying the old internet dating with elite singles at the moment, but just being paired with people who live miles away or who are clearly completely incompatible. A good number of the people have no pics up or almost no info. Any recommendations for the best site for internet dating for someone my age who would like to meet someone for a serious relationship ( no jokes about tinder please!)


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## xoxoxo (9 Feb 2018)

Interested in this also.


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## Thanos0 (9 Feb 2018)

Try pof it's free


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## RichInSpirit (9 Feb 2018)

Although not a dating site, i've accidentally found Facebook to be a great dating site


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## dan rather (10 Feb 2018)

Facebook as a dating site? But you are only supposed to add people you know?


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## Buddyboy (12 Feb 2018)

I watched a program that number crunched the dating sites, using sound mathematical principals.  The result - you need an average of 700 responses/contacts to get a worthwhile date.  So the odds are long, but possible.

I know you don't want to hear it, but my view is that the old methods - clubs/social events/adult education courses (where you find people of similar interests) are my recommendation. Especially so in your age bracket (no insult intended - I'm in my 50s). 


Also, have you tried First Dates?  - do let us know if you are to appear.


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## willyfones (12 Feb 2018)

You could try 'Meetup.com'  its actually not a dating site, more a site for people who share various interests,  walking,, art, sport,,,  meeting new people,,, whatever,,,  I know a girl who met her husband there...   (and its free)


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## ant dee (12 Feb 2018)

Give PoF a try


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## xoxoxo (12 Feb 2018)

I have heard a lot of positive things about 'Elite singles' but have no personal experience.


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## Buddyboy (12 Feb 2018)

willyfones said:


> You could try 'Meetup.com'  its actually not a dating site, more a site for people who share various interests,  walking,, art, sport,,,  meeting new people,,, whatever,,,  I know a girl who met her husband there...   (and its free)



Anybody else with the Pina Colada song going through their head now?

"If you like pina colada, and getting caught in the rain, if you're not into health foods, if you're into champagne"

(sorry, couldn't help myself).


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## cavanman2015 (15 Feb 2018)

Guys
Thanks for your replys. It does work for some people. My own view is that a paid website is likely to attract people who ae "serious" about meeting someone. Any views on sites other than elitesingles or PoF?


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## evil_g (9 Sep 2020)

I met my wife on OkCupid.com. Both of us were in our early thirties at the time. She seems nice 

As a man, you will be competing for attention amongst a very large number of pick up artists, time wasters and perverts.

I believe that this is slightly less of an issue on OkCupid than Plenty of Fish (which I've also used). I think POF has a larger membership and slightly younger demographic. There may be a site with a slightly older demographic than OkCupid again, but it would probably have a smaller membership again. In general I think the smaller the membership the lower the percentage of (male) time wasters, so it's a trade off. OkCupid seemed a reasonable balance for me.

If you tailor your message to the recipient (ask about something in one of their photos, or a hobby they mention, etc.) you'll immediately be ahead 90% of men who just send "Hi" to every single female account. (or so I've been told). Make sure your profile has something for them to ask you about.

I think I paid ten quid a month for OkCupid when I got serious about it. The main benefit as far as I was concerned was that this allows you see who has viewed your profile. In my experience Irish women are unlikely to make first contact, so someone viewing your profile twice is the equivalent of locking eyes across a crowded room.

This is just my perspective. I think what you really need is advice from female members of AAM who have experience of online dating in Ireland.


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## Purple (9 Sep 2020)

evil_g said:


> I met my wife on OkCupid.com. Both of us were in our early thirties at the time. She seems nice


Lol


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## Purple (9 Sep 2020)

I'm in a similar situation myself so this is of interest.


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## joe sod (9 Sep 2020)

Meeting someone in the flesh in a bar or club is far superior even in these techno times. A lot of times the profile and pictures are glammed up using filters etc , the reality is far less appealing. Unfortunately though the bars and clubs are still shut, another issue is that during the lockdown many people might have paired up even though they had not met their ideal date due to the social cache associated with couples which increased dramatically during the corona virus, there were very few outlets for single people


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## Brendan Burgess (9 Sep 2020)

joe sod said:


> Meeting someone in the flesh in a bar



Have we got bars like that in Ireland?


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## MugsGame (10 Sep 2020)

Brendan Burgess said:


> Have we got bars like that in Ireland?



Depends, is there a difference between a private 'members' club and a members' privates club?


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## EmmDee (10 Sep 2020)

Brendan Burgess said:


> Have we got bars like that in Ireland?



Apparently - https://www.irishtimes.com/news/cri...g-whipped-in-dublin-club-court-told-1.4304194


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## MugsGame (10 Sep 2020)

What else do you expect when hosting events for the Oireachtas Opus Dei Society.


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## Futurelookin (10 Sep 2020)

I heard a longstanding web dating owner / operator of an Irish site on the radio discussing online dating about a year ago and they said the biggest impediment to meeting someone is the unrealistic parameters which the prospective daters set. In mens' case it was always about seeking a MUCH younger partner ( 40 / 45 year old men wanting to meet 25 - 30 year old women and 55 - 70 year old men wanting to meet women in their 30's and early 40's. Thus ruling out women their own age who might be perfectly lovely and with whom, presumably they would have much more in common. 

For women their pre-requisites were an equal or superior educational standard. As women are much more likely to have higher education then this creates a very limited pool and of course rules out large numbers of great potential partners who might be tradesmen or workmen etc who might not have graduate or post grad status. 

The other impediment was a reluctance to travel outside of their area / county. 

Apparently a lot of time was spent administering a reality check to many people when deciding their 'Would Like To Meet' descriptions.


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## Purple (10 Sep 2020)

Futurelookin said:


> I heard a longstanding web dating owner / operator of an Irish site on the radio discussing online dating about a year ago and they said the biggest impediment to meeting someone is the unrealistic parameters which the prospective daters set. In mens' case it was always about seeking a MUCH younger partner ( 40 / 45 year old men wanting to meet 25 - 30 year old women and 55 - 70 year old men wanting to meet women in their 30's and early 40's. Thus ruling out women their own age who might be perfectly lovely and with whom, presumably they would have much more in common.
> 
> For women their pre-requisites were an equal or superior educational standard. As women are much more likely to have higher education then this creates a very limited pool and of course rules out large numbers of great potential partners who might be tradesmen or workmen etc who might not have graduate or post grad status.
> 
> ...


In my limited experience income is the biggest requisite for many women.


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## Futurelookin (10 Sep 2020)

Purple said:


> In my limited experience income is the biggest requisite for many women.



I guess you could infer they're connected - an assumption that a certain level of education leads to a 'good' job and higher income level. Presumably more important to some demographics than others but a desire that the prospective partner would be financially secure would, I assume, be reasonably universal.

What I thought interesting is the disconnect between the preferred age for men and the women they're ruling out.  I know many extremely attractive women in their 40's and 50's - I think what we think of as 50 in our heads and what it looks like nowadays with people taking care of their health and appearance, etc. is quite different.

Of course if starting a family was a motivation it would be understandable that women 40+ might be less likely to have many baby making years ahead of them but apparently that wasn't the consideration when identifying the age range. Many of the men had come out of marriages etc and were not looking for 2nd families but clearly felt women their own age were not an attractive prospect.


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## joe sod (10 Sep 2020)

Many people traditionally met their partners in the workplace, it has alot of advantages you can see each other in real life not glammed up pictures, you get to know each others personalities . Unfortunately the working from home trend from the coronavirus has ruined that avenue aswell. If truth be told many people dressed up not just for work but to attract partners, no point in wearing high heels on a zoom call. Interesting that not many people have pointed out this big disadvantage with working from home.


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## misemoi (11 Sep 2020)

That's very true re the WFH, also studying from home.  I commented at the start of this that I would have never met my husband at college had we been remote as we had no common points other than our course.


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## Purple (11 Sep 2020)

Futurelookin said:


> I guess you could infer they're connected - an assumption that a certain level of education leads to a 'good' job and higher income level. Presumably more important to some demographics than others but a desire that the prospective partner would be financially secure would, I assume, be reasonably universal.


 I think men are far less concerned with that. Like it or not we are still well within the social construct where the man is the provider and the woman the caregiver. 


Futurelookin said:


> hat I thought interesting is the disconnect between the preferred age for men and the women they're ruling out. I know many extremely attractive women in their 40's and 50's - I think what we think of as 50 in our heads and what it looks like nowadays with people taking care of their health and appearance, etc. is quite different.


 I would find it very hard to date someone who was young enough to be my daughter. I think I's also find it very hard to know what to talk about. 


Futurelookin said:


> Of course if starting a family was a motivation it would be understandable that women 40+ might be less likely to have many baby making years ahead of them but apparently that wasn't the consideration when identifying the age range. Many of the men had come out of marriages etc and were not looking for 2nd families but clearly felt women their own age were not an attractive prospect.


 Yep, quite true. I suppose in crude terms they are looking to trade in for a younger model rather than looking for one with fewer miles on the clock.


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## Sunny (11 Sep 2020)

Purple, surely you would have your pick of women with your cheerful agreeable disposition. What you need to do is find a nice retired public servant with a travel pass and medical card living in a nice social house......


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## Purple (11 Sep 2020)

Sunny said:


> Purple, surely you would have your pick of women with your cheerful agreeable disposition. What you need to do is find a nice retired public servant with a travel pass and medical card living in a nice social house......


No, way too old for me


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## Protocol (11 Sep 2020)

Futurelookin said:


> For women their pre-requisites were an equal or superior educational standard. As women are much more likely to have higher education then this creates a very limited pool and of course rules out large numbers of great potential partners who might be tradesmen or workmen etc who might not have graduate or post grad status.



Yes, this "marrying-up" is known as hypergamy.

And yes, this creates a limited pool of men, so this partly explains lower marriage rates among high-education, high-income women.


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## elcato (11 Sep 2020)

Protocol said:


> And yes, this creates a limited pool of men, so this partly explains lower marriage rates among high-education, high-income women.


Assuming people go on dating sites to meet a life partner.


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## Purple (11 Sep 2020)

Protocol said:


> Yes, this "marrying-up" is known as hypergamy.
> 
> And yes, this creates a limited pool of men, so this partly explains lower marriage rates among high-education, high-income women.


Seems a bit shallow though, doesn't it? No different from the men wanting the eye-candy that's 20 years younger.


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## Sunny (11 Sep 2020)

Purple said:


> No, way too old for me



They are public sector workers Purple. Most of them retire at 40!!


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## WhiteCoat (11 Sep 2020)

And Purple, they invariably have very low mileage!


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## Sue Ellen (11 Sep 2020)

Purple said:


> No, way too old for me



No way, plenty of cougars in the public sector too


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## RichInSpirit (12 Sep 2020)

My main takeaway from this thread is that late 40's is middle aged. I thought that middle age was in your 60's.


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## Monbretia (12 Sep 2020)

Simple maths logic would say that if 60 was middle aged then lifespan would be 120ish so late 40s makes more sense from a lifespan point of view.   

I would usually call someone in their 50s middle aged and depending how they are going they might get away with that until mid sixties but after that I wouldn't really call it middle age  Some people retain a more youthful appearance and I don't just mean looks but the way you walk as one example really affects how old you look I think so it's general appearance but nevertheless nature marches whether you look it or not!


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## Purple (14 Sep 2020)

RichInSpirit said:


> My main takeaway from this thread is that late 40's is middle aged. I thought that middle age was in your 60's.


It's in your 60's when you are in your 40's.


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## NoRegretsCoyote (14 Sep 2020)

RichInSpirit said:


> My main takeaway from this thread is that late 40's is middle aged. I thought that middle age was in your 60's.



It's a bit like the term "middle class". People with a family income of €150k would call themselves "middle class" but this puts them comfortable inside the top 10% of income earners.


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## joe sod (14 Sep 2020)

I'd say a lot of relationships started up or became more formal during the restrictions, the emphasis was on maintaining social bubbles etc in pubs and restaurants, therefore the social cache associated with couples increased dramatically during the last 6 months, conversely being single was almost like a social pariah.


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## Leo (14 Sep 2020)

joe sod said:


> Meeting someone in the flesh in a bar or club is far superior even in these techno times. A lot of times the profile and pictures are glammed up using filters etc , the reality is far less appealing.



But surely in a bar/ club you're just swapping the tech filters for biological ones?


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## Purple (14 Sep 2020)

NoRegretsCoyote said:


> It's a bit like the term "middle class". People with a family income of €150k would call themselves "middle class" but this puts them comfortable inside the top 10% of income earners.


Yea, but they aren't rich either so what else would you call them?
If they are paying a big mortgage and funding kids through college, while paying €60-€70k a year in payroll taxes they aren't keeping any staff!

It's a bit like a healthy fit 50 year old. Are they old or middle aged?


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## joe sod (14 Sep 2020)

Leo said:


> But surely in a bar/ club you're just swapping the tech filters for biological ones?


But technology is not real life, you don't date the image and profile on a dating site, you date the biological reality and that is much more real in a club or a bar. What is a "biological filter" anyway, biology is reality


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## Leo (14 Sep 2020)

joe sod said:


> But technology is not real life, you don't date the image and profile on a dating site, you date the biological reality and that is much more real in a club or a bar. What is a "biological filter" anyway, biology is reality



You didn't click the link....

But technology is real and very much a part of everyday life....unless you live in a cave.


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## Monbretia (14 Sep 2020)

Now I've never tried it and am not on the lookout  but I have always though internet dating of some sort is a great idea for narrowing the field as such and cutting out time wasting especially as you get older.    As I have never frequented pubs and clubs even in my youth (brought up in a pub so saw enough of that)  there would be no chance of me finding someone that way if I was looking, equally if I did want someone I wouldn't particularly be looking for someone whose idea of entertainment was pubs and clubs as they are not where I would socialise.   

Wouldn't it be better to narrow down the similarities etc that might make two people more compatible so a bit of a screening service could be good


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## joe sod (15 Sep 2020)

An article in the independent today reinforces my point about dating sites not being reality and an easy way for fraudsters to create a false profile . A woman was duped out of a large sum of money by fraudsters who took advantage of her loneliness which was exaggerated by corona virus restrictions. Here is a quote 

"The incidences of romance fraud scams are traditionally higher around times like Valentine's Day. But the coronavirus pandemic lockdown led to a spike in cases because the gangs were able to take advantage of some people who were stuck at home feeling alone and vulnerable."


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## ATC110 (15 Sep 2020)

A few things to clear up - if male life expectancy is c.82 then anyone older than 41 is old rather than middle-aged. 

The attractiveness of a female is based upon fertility so their age is intrinsic and that doesn't change regardless of the man's age.

In my experience women are mainly interested in how much money the man has and his potential to enhance their social status; personality, knowledge, values, interests et al seem to be unimportant at best, irrelevant at worst


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## Futurelookin (15 Sep 2020)

ATC110 said:


> The attractiveness of a female is based upon fertility so their age is intrinsic and that doesn't change regardless of the man's age.



What a reductive, utterly misogynistic, statement. 



ATC110 said:


> In my experience women are mainly interested in how much money the man has and his potential to enhance their social status; personality, knowledge, values, interests et al seem to be unimportant at best, irrelevant at worst



Your experience is undoubtedly your experience but what a very sad and limiting belief to hold.


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## ATC110 (15 Sep 2020)

Futurelookin said:


> What a reductive, utterly misogynistic, statement.



What, stating the obvious biology of humanity?



Futurelookin said:


> Your experience is undoubtedly your experience but what a very sad and limiting belief to hold.



It's reality not a belief. Americanised 'profiling' of men by women has become mainstream with increased prosperity aka notions


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## Futurelookin (15 Sep 2020)

ATC110 said:


> What, stating the obvious biology of humanity?


Womens' attractiveness has nothing to do with their intellect, achievements, sense of humour, kindness or a million other things? Happy husbands and partners stop fancying their other halves as soon as they stop producing babies? Reducing women's 'attractiveness' to their bodies based on a window of fertility over the course of their lifetime is entirely reductive and misogynistic.

In my earlier post also I referenced fertility:


Futurelookin said:


> Of course if starting a family was a motivation it would be understandable that women 40+ might be less likely to have many baby making years ahead of them but apparently that wasn't the consideration when identifying the age range. Many of the men had come out of marriages etc and were not looking for 2nd families but clearly felt women their own age were not an attractive prospect.



It's undoubtedly a huge consideration for those who wish to have children. In the range of 'middle aged dating' which this topic is about, it's potentially entirely less relevant.


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## ATC110 (15 Sep 2020)

Futurelookin said:


> Womens' attractiveness has nothing to do with their intellect, achievements, sense of humour, kindness or a million other things? Happy husbands and partners stop fancying their other halves as soon as they stop producing babies? Reducing women's 'attractiveness' to their bodies based on a window of fertility over the course of their lifetime is entirely reductive and misogynistic.



Not sure where to start to address this.. of course those facets are attractive and much more important than looks, but in the context of this discussion about middle aged dating, the initial attraction is primal.

Having had a longterm relationship with someone whose looks have wained but still finding them attractive is incomparable to meeting that same person for the first time and it's puerile to suggest it is.

It's too bad I have to state the obvious - no amount of social constructs change the incontrovertible facts of life.





Futurelookin said:


> It's undoubtedly a huge consideration for those who wish to have children. In the range of 'middle aged dating' which this topic is about, it's potentially entirely less relevant.



That's an intellectual rather than a biological argument.

When a man is attracted to a woman he's not thinking "I want to have babies with her" but that's the visceral basis for it whether he has any intention of carrying it out or not


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## evil_g (15 Sep 2020)

Internet dating, including apps like Tinder, Bumble, etc., and other social media, is pretty much main stream now for people in their twenties and thirties. Nobody would be ashamed of admitting that they'd met their partner online. We're not there yet, but the day will come pretty soon when the majority of newly married couples will have started their relationship on line. I'm 37 and I know loads of such couples.

In my opinion, and experience, chatting online before deciding to meet one to one, is far healthier, if perhaps a little more nerve wracking, than the traditional Irish approach, which let's face it was, and is, almost entirely alcohol fuelled.

It is not correct to say that "the attractiveness of a female is based upon fertility" and that "women are mainly interested in how much money the man has". I don't know what your personal circumstances and experiences are, but I hope you come to realise that some day.


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## ATC110 (15 Sep 2020)

evil_g said:


> It is not correct to say that "the attractiveness of a female is based upon fertility" and that "women are mainly interested in how much money the man has". I don't know what your personal circumstances and experiences are, but I hope you come to realise that some day.



Another denial of base-level human biology...of course it is

And it is correct - I know numerous examples. There might be some differential between urban/educational standard than rural Ireland but it is rife in the latter.


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## Lambchops65 (15 Sep 2020)

I've heard good report on "The Match maker" (Sharon Kenny?) seemingly you pay to get someone matched with your own likes/dislikes etc. I think she meets the individuals in person but I could be wrong?


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## Sunny (15 Sep 2020)

ATC110 said:


> Another denial of base-level human biology...of course it is
> 
> And it is correct - I know numerous examples. There might be some differential between urban/educational standard than rural Ireland but it is rife in the latter.



No offence but since your advice on another thread was to basically only meet people with a higher net worth than you, I don't think many people will be listening to your advice much on this subject.....


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## evil_g (15 Sep 2020)

ATC110 said:


> Another denial of base-level human biology...of course it is
> 
> And it is correct - I know numerous examples. There might be some differential between urban/educational standard than rural Ireland but it is rife in the latter.



Well if we were talking about physical attractiveness, I'd point out that many of the characteristics of modern ideals of female beauty are less conducive to successful reproduction than their absence. But we, or at least I, am not talking solely about physical attraction, because I don't hate women. Anyway, in either case you're objectively wrong.

And on your second point, you're extrapolating from anecdote to universal fact. Which again, is objectively wrong.


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## Brendan Burgess (15 Sep 2020)

That's all folks

Purple - I hope you find the woman you deserve 

Brendan


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