# 8 years married and bored



## stano (22 Apr 2007)

*8 years married and a little bored....*

My husband and I got out together the other night and had very little to talk about.  We are married 8 years, so together 10, have 3 kids and 2 jobs.  We seem to have no time anymore, very few laughs.  
We pass each other on the door step on the way to work.

I suppose this is all normal when the kids are small, by my god it's not much fun and we are board, even with each other I think.

Not much money so weekends away are not a runner, even if we could find someone to mind the kids.
I'm sure that it will get better, but the realisation that it could all go wrong is scary.

Any advice?!!  Keep in mind that the kids are small and ever present so the unplanned seduction on the kitchen table hasn't happened in awhile!


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## PM1234 (22 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little board....*

You don't have to be married to have the problem! Whatever way people might like to rephrase it, every relationship has to be worked at.

How about making a resolution to go out together once a week without the children. It doesn't have to cost much, its about just rediscovering the partner rather than the parent and having fun together.


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## RedStix (22 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*

I'm not married so i'm not an authority on these things but a good idea IMO is when the kids have gone to bed, crack open a bottle of wine, get out all your old photos (pre children) and look over them, reminsce and laugh about the last ten years. Remember how you met, things you both used to do as a couple, places you went, people you knew/know. This is a sure way to get the conversation going. But also remember other special times such as your wedding, honeymoon, the birth of your first (and subsequent) children, remember how you felt at those times, how close you were and try to figure out how to get that sense of closeness back.


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## Staples (22 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*

I know this isn't the answer you're looking for, but if it's any consolation tens of thousands of couples are in a similar position. 

In our experience, we went through a similar slump and tried to recreate the lifestyle we had when we first met. It was crap. For example, we reaslised we had outgrown and were bored with the nightclub scene and found we had much better nights shooting the breeze over a cheap pizza. It's great just to get out but not necessarily to anywhere expensive or anywhere you feel socially obliged to go just before you're out. 

it's not much fun when all your time, energy and money go no further than just keeping things afloat. It's at times like this that you (both) have to dig deep and be grateful for all the positives.

Not always easy though.


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## Happy Girl (22 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*

Try explaining (kindly) about how you feel about the relationshp in general and how sad it makes you feel remembering how things were B.K. (before kids) and that you really don't want to feel like that. Perhaps you might put into words exactly what he is feeling (which I think a lot will agree is more difficult for men to do) and work on it from there. Best of luck!!!


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## DrMoriarty (23 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*

IMO, you're passing through probably one of the most demanding/thankless/unglamourous periods of your life together. Three kids (all under 10?), both working flat out, at work and at home (dunno which is tougher!), etc. etc. When you finally got out together the other night, you were probably just too damn _tired _to find the energy to be good company for each other. Don't be hard on yourselves, and don't despair — things will get easier as the kids get older. Well, some things, anyway... 

You say: '...even if we could find someone to mind the kids'. Are there no family members around that might be called on? (we hadn't a grandparent to rub together when our kids were that age, and I remember how much I used envy people when I'd hear them talking about leaving the kids with their Granny/Granny coming over for the night — there ain't _no_one that'll do that for you like Granny will ... or maybe even Granda, once they're old enough to wipe their own backsides!) But very often a brother/sister/close friend just needs to be asked. Let them know how much it would mean to you. If you _don't _ask, people will assume you're grand, or someone else is doing it, or whatever. Spread it around a little, and it's no great imposition on any one person...

Then try some of the suggestions above.


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## Fintan (23 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*

Myself and my partner go on a "date" every Friday, granted we generally just go down the road to eddie rockets.  

The rules are simple, mobile phones and work get left at home, and we just spend the hour or so chatting about our week. 

best of luck! 

cheers

fintan


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## ney001 (23 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*



Fintan said:


> Myself and my partner go on a "date" every Friday, granted we generally just go down the road to eddie rockets.
> 
> The rules are simple, mobile phones and work get left at home, and we just spend the hour or so chatting about our week.
> 
> ...



Yup, you are not alone we have had to implement a plan like this ourselves.  It feels a bit silly at first that you have to 'make a date' but sometimes you just have to make the effort.  You have to make time to  have a couple of early nights a week also!


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## babydays (23 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*

We have 2 kids under 3.5 and expecting our 3rd in June so we're both pretty knackered all of the time! Plus, we're now on one salary and have no grandparents or relatives to help out. 

BUT, we found a babysitter who lives a couple of doors down and only charges E5 an hour and is willing to do short babysits. For the last few Friday's we've booked her for just two hours - 8 'til 10 when we go for a great walk and/or a quick drink. It's been wonderful. Just getting us out of the house for a couple of hours without anyone hanging onto you or needing a soother or whatever. 

Even if you spend E20 on a babysitter and have a drink each in the pub at least twice a month should get things going again. 

Also, have you thought about recriprocal babysitting - i.e. you babysit a friend's kids one evening and they do it for you another?

Good luck


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## efm (24 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*



babydays said:


> We have 2 kids under 3.5 and expecting our 3rd in June so we're both pretty knackered all of the time! Plus, we're now on one salary and have no grandparents or relatives to help out.


 
And I thought it was just us in this boat! Was it easier on our parents when families were more likey to live in the same area and there was a greater sense of community where you were living? It's not surprising that marriage breakups are increasing (I have no hard facts so this could be an incorrect assumption on my part) when the traditional support structures that were in place 20 years are not available to young couples now.


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## Ravima (24 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*

try ann summers - strange stuff, great stuff, good stuff, wierd stuff and tasty stuff as wel las various electeonic gagetry which can be fun!


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## auto320 (24 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*



Fintan said:


> Myself and my partner go on a "date" every Friday, granted we generally just go down the road to eddie rockets.



I wouldn't be averse to going on a date to Eddie Rockets now and again, but I'd be afraid that Mrs Auto might walk in and catch me! Have to stick to Wongs!


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## pokerwidow (25 Apr 2007)

*Re: 8 years married and a little bored....*



auto320 said:


> I wouldn't be averse to going on a date to Eddie Rockets now and again, but I'd be afraid that Mrs Auto might walk in and catch me! Have to stick to Wongs!



Made me laugh.

Seriously though I know exactly after 4 years of marriage and three little ones.  What we want to do is recreate that sense of freedom and irresposible fun that we had in our youth.  Sometimes I feel like knocking on doors and running away just to catch that 'devilment' feeling.  When we get out we feel like giddy children driving down the road.

Someone else said a walk and I agree.  No pressure to try and make conversation but you are still together.

On another slightly related note, does anyone else feel that if only I knew then what I know now?  Maybe it's because I have a birthday coming up (still under 30) but if I was 18 again I just wouldn't wear clothes.  Noone tells you what having 3 children does to your body.  Rant over and OP best of luck.


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## stano (25 Apr 2007)

Thank you to every one who posted on, I have enjoyed reading.

We are going to try the date night thing, it sound fun, went off walking last night.
Slowly, slowly.


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## BlueSpud (25 Apr 2007)

Dont forget your kids either.  My 2 boys, 5 & 7, are getting into sport, even though they are not paarticularly good at it.  I never kicked a ball in my like, I dont golf, footie, tennis etc., I was always crap at sport. 

But I have gotten involved in the kids football, hurling & soccer coaching and we regularly go to the park with hurls, f/balls etc.  We have great fun on these outings and an added bonus in that when you arrive home in high spirits, you are much more likely to make time or micschief.....  

I think that is half the secret, arriving home in good humour.  If you are not enjoying work and comming home in bad form, you are in trouble before you start.   It is always easy to preach to others but if that is the case, see how to rectify it and see the effect it has on the home life.  Balance is a great thing.


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## Betsy Og (25 Apr 2007)

bought herself that book about Baby Proofing Your Marriage

I've read some of it myself and it is refreshing to see that the things people feel are quite normal. Its also a funny enough book so if you're still on slagging/messing terms it can be a source of fun.  

We've only 1 wee lad so far & in fairness he's great so am lucky so far, I know it'll get tougher if have others but Communication Communication Communication and I think we'll muddle through


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## dewdrop (25 Apr 2007)

it may be of little 
comfort now but in a few short years when your kids become independent you will long for the day when they were cuddly and needed your affection.


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## setemupjoe (25 Apr 2007)

I think you need time away from each other ,my other half and our child go home to her country for a week to 10 days each summer,i go with them on other occasions ,but always we arrange that time away from each other,i might go away with the lads for a few days and go to the pub etc and basically live like a single guy for the 10 days (except the women im totally faithful)she leaves our son with her parents for a few days and meets her friends over there and does the same (enjoys herself)hopefully without the men !...but after a week your actually missing each other and you realise what you have, and when its all over,it reivigorates your relationship .i guess it lets you see the grass is really not greener on the other side! i know guys now who are split from there family and most are very unhappy in there lives ,you should value what you have and work at it as the future rewards i think are priceless !


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## Anto318 (25 Apr 2007)

Just take your time. When couple have hectic jobs and busy with kids in the evening there is really not much time for anything else and even if ye had time ye'd be too wrecked to do anything about it. 

Just take to you partner/wife that you are getting bored and see if she feels the same way, at least then if ye both feel the same ye will both be motivated to get out of the bordom.

Try doing things that the other partner would like i.e. when the kids are gone to bed maybe cook dinner, nice massage, just spend some quality time together. In my experience the more time I spend with my partner the better our relationship is.

I think the best solution is honesty and just go day to day maybe doing things for eachother and then hopefully you will find the spark that you felt with you partner when ye first met.

Hope everything works out with ye and you find what your looking for


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## paddi22 (25 Apr 2007)

theres a great book called 'mating in captivity' that is a great read about situations like yours.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mating-Capt...3489518?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177512699&sr=8-2

Plus maybe ban the telly in the evening. Its so easy to slip into a coma sitting on a sofa together watching tv. If its off you are forced to interact with eachother more and are more likely to talk or do something fun together!


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## lukegriffen (25 Apr 2007)

Is there any chance of getting in with a few other friends (couples) and maybe taking it in turns to have pizza nights or something like that.  
Every chance my sister & her hubby gets they're either out with friends or have them over, maybe they're sick of each other's company...


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## stano (25 Apr 2007)

We have decided to make a few lifestyle changes, starting with his job which is very stressful.  I know he hates it and I don't like the person it turns him into, so we have had a long talk and have introduced some options into the pitcure.
That should help.

Not much wrong I think, just needed to express my concerns that there might be if something doesn't change.

The kids are great and we wouldn't change any of that, it's just hard sometimes to claw back a little time for yourself.

Thanks everyone, its good to be able to vent this stuff.
Stano


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## Haille (27 Apr 2007)

Not sure if this reply is relevant but here goes.I am in my late 40's male celebrating 25th.wedding anniversary in August.We have 3 children aged 21/18/14.I have spent a couple of hours planning a 2.5 week holiday to the Canadian Rockies this July minus the teenagers. to mark anniversary.I took an early retirement package at 49.took a year out to do a part time course at University.My wife finishes work at 300p.m goes immediately for an hours walk with her female friends.I have dinner ready for her when she returns after walk and have collected teenagers from school.I do all the house chores[easy for me -no kids at home.I get to do my running training during the day,study a bit,on the way to becoming a personal trainer.My income has dropped by half even though my pension lump sum has enabled me to buy an investment property.
We found it very difficult when the children were small but there is light at the end of the tunnel.When I watched the 1st programme of Surgeons on R.T.E.recently,there was an amazing woman on the programme-a separated mother of 2 children who was undergoing brain surgery for the 2nd.time with a possibility of loosing her speech.She was so positive,upbeat and optimistic that it would put one to shame with small concerns.Not sure if the above is relevant to your thread.


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## allears (27 Apr 2007)

We are in our Forthies and have been through these stresses and strains,We have three grown up kids and there have been many times that we've thought will there be light at the end of the tunnell !  In truth I think every couple go through these situations and really its part of the whole package of a relationship. But I am very happy to say to my experience that the vast % of people come through this phase of life and to be honest it is so important to be straight and honest while being sensitive and loving to your partners thoughts or needs. He or she can sometimes need space to think and importantly a listening ear to hear them out.


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## joanmul (29 Apr 2007)

If regular babysitters are too expensive would an older or retired person be an option (if you know/get to know them well enough to consider them capable). Some are great with children and would love the chance to be 'needed'.


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