# Tommy Cooper Jokes



## hjrdee (22 Jul 2007)

I saw two Tommy Cooper jokes on the site in the last while so I thought I'd post a list of them to lighten the mood.

*Classic Cooper Jokes *


*"I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, "look, this chicken I got here is cold" he said "it should be, it's been dead two weeks", I said "not only that" I said, I said... I said it twice, I said "he's got one leg shorter than the other", he said "what do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it." I said "forget the chicken, give me a lobster" and he brought me this lobster. I said "just a minute, he's only got one claw", he said "well he's been in a fight." *
*I said "Well give me the winner." *


*"So I said to this Chinese waiter, "Are there any Chinese jews", so he went away and when he came back he said, "no, there's only apple juice, pineapple juice..." *


*"I went to the doctors the other day and I said "have you got anything for wind", *
*so he gave me a kite." *


*"I went to the doctor and I said "it hurts when I do that", he said "well, don't do it." *


*"What do you call a Gorilla with a banana in each ear? Anything you like, he can't hear ya?" *


*"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. *
*They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." *


*"My wife phoned me just before the show, and she said, "I've got water in the carburettor." I said, "where's the car?" she said, "in the river." *


*"I went to the dentists, he said "my teeth are all right but my gums have gotta come out." *


*"I backed a horse today, 20 to 1... came in at 20 past 4. He was so late coming in, he had to tip-toe back to the stables. The Jockey kept hitting him with the whip and the horse said to him "what are you doing that for, there's nobody behind us." *


*"Oh, what a day I've had... I went to see the doctor today, I had to he's ill. And he said to me "can I help you?" and I said "Yes, I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away... these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away." So he said "what do you want me to do?" and I said "break me arms." *


*"Ooh, my feet are killing me... every night they grab me around the throat." *


*"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or my older brother Colin... or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin." *


*"I bought a greyhound about a month ago. A friend of mine said to me "what are you gonna do with it" I said "I'm gonna race it" he said "by the look of it, I think you'll beat it." *




*I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.*

*I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!*

*I went into a butchers and I said, " I'll have a pound of sausages." He said, "I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here." I said, "Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos."*

*it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in. *

*said, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."*

*the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said, "Yes, this is my livelihood."*

*I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."*

*know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice.*


*went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, "I want to buy an ice-cream" He said, "Hundreds & thousands?" I said, "We'll start with one." He said, "Knickerbocker Glory?" I said, "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."*


*I went to Millets and said, "I want to buy a tent."*
*He said, "To camp?"*
*I said [butchly], "Sorry, I want to buy a tent."*
*I said, "I also want to buy a caravan."*
*He said, "Camper?"*
*I said [camply], "Make your mind up."*

*Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". And the dentist said to me, "Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."*

*So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said, "You are."*

*So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."*


*Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.*
*The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.*

*Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.*
*Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it".*

*"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."*
*"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".*
*"Is it common?"*
*"It's not unusual".*

*A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.*
*The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".*

*A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"*
*"Well", says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.*
*Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down".*
*"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"*
*"No, because he's really heavy"*



*Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside".*
*"How's that?"*
*"Don't you start!"*

*"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's"*
*"Well you can't say fairer than that then"*

*What do you call a fish with no eyes?*
*A fsh.*

*So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?"*
*He said, "It depends where you're calling from".*

*Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.*

*So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted". And I swerved.*
*And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again".*
*And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director".*
*And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?"*
*And I said, "I careered off the road".*

*Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?*
*The one I was in went back and forwards.*
*I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet".*

*So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"*
*I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's yours, go for it!"*

*Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"*

*Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.*
*They charged one and let the other one off.*

*You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.*
*They left a little note on the windscreen, it said, "Parking Fine". So that was nice.*

*A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"*
*The man replied, "I know I've been ill"*

*A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"*
*The doctor said, "well don't go there any more".*

*I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.*
*He wasn't very happy.*
*My dog was barking at everyone the other day.*
*Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.*

*I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.*

*I bought some HP sauce the other day.*
*It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.*



*Any more are welcomed!!*


----------



## Sue Ellen (22 Jul 2007)

Nearly got sick laughing.  They're so stupid they're funny.


----------



## ClubMan (23 Jul 2007)

From memory...

I went to my local butchers the other day. I bet him a tenner that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He declined. He said the steaks were too high.

I met a beautiful girl the other night. Beautiful long blond hair all down her back. None on her head though.

In a similar vein from _Les Dawson_...

The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet!


----------



## Sue Ellen (23 Jul 2007)

ClubMan said:


> In a similar vein from _Les Dawson_...
> 
> The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet!


 
[broken link removed]


----------



## ClubMan (23 Jul 2007)

Our dog doesn't eat meat.

Why not?

Because we don't give him any.


----------



## Crugers (23 Jul 2007)

I hurt my back playing Piggy Back with my 10 year old last night... I fell off!
 ................................................................................................
I was cleaning out my attic the other day and came across an oil painting and a violin. I took them to Sotheby’s and the valuer said that I had a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius.
Unfortunately Rembrandt was useless at making violins and Stradivarius couldn't paint!
................................................................................................


----------



## Caveat (23 Jul 2007)

Don't know if it's Tommy Cooper, but sounds like it could be:

"Was driving down the motorway towards the airport the other day and I saw a sign saying 'Airport left'....so I went home."

"I think my new girlfriend is a witch! I was driving along the other night and she put her hand on my leg - I immediately turned into a hotel"


----------



## elefantfresh (24 Jul 2007)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were 
swimming around in the sea.
One was called Justin and the other was called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a 
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by 
his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and 
lonely
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he 
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and 
behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his 
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see 
his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to 
the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, 
come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the 
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not! That was the old me. I've 
changed.........."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian".


----------



## Flexible (24 Jul 2007)

Went to the butchers the other day and said is that a sheeps head - He said no it just the way I part my hair.


----------

