# Children being invited to weddings



## liaconn (11 Apr 2009)

Just interested in getting people's view on the following:

A colleague of mine has been invited to an old friend's wedding and is highly insulted that her two kids (aged 5 and 8) haven't been included in the invitation, just herself and her husband. She has actually said this to her friend who has explained that the only children being invited are the older nieces and nephews of herself and the groom. My colleague is still taking umbrage and threatening not to go to the wedding at all. I think she's being really rude and unreasonable. However, a couple of other people at work are agreeing with her and saying things like "you should be either invited as a family or not at all".  Am I out of step here, or are these people being absolutely ridiculous?


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## Caveat (11 Apr 2009)

liaconn said:


> Am I out of step here, or are these people being absolutely ridiculous?



Well if you're out of step then I am too.

I haven't been to that many weddings but it's been a roughly even split with regard to 'the family' attending or the parents only.

'The family or not at all' is a totally over the top stance IMO.

I don't think it's unusual at all for children not to be invited - if they are babies or very young - fair enough obviously, but where does it end? Are the kids aged 16, 18, 25...expected to always be invited too?

I suspect in some of these cases the parents are annoyed because they won't be able to get babysitters (the usual candidates maybe at said wedding) rather than annoyed in principle, that their children weren't invited.

_Edit: The only kids at my own wedding BTW were nieces/nephews._


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## Teatime (11 Apr 2009)

liaconn said:


> Just interested in getting people's view on the following:
> 
> A colleague of mine has been invited to an old friend's wedding and is highly insulted that her two kids (aged 5 and 8) haven't been included in the invitation, just herself and her husband. She has actually said this to her friend who has explained that the only children being invited are the older nieces and nephews of herself and the groom. My colleague is still taking umbrage and threatening not to go to the wedding at all. I think she's being really rude and unreasonable. However, a couple of other people at work are agreeing with her and saying things like "you should be either invited as a family or not at all". Am I out of step here, or are these people being absolutely ridiculous?


 
It's up to the bride and groom who they want to invite so I would respect their wishes and not bring the kids - if this doesn't suit, nobody is forcing the them to go.


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## ney001 (11 Apr 2009)

liaconn said:


> Just interested in getting people's view on the following:
> 
> A colleague of mine has been invited to an old friend's wedding and is highly insulted that her two kids (aged 5 and 8) haven't been included in the invitation, just herself and her husband. She has actually said this to her friend who has explained that the only children being invited are the older nieces and nephews of herself and the groom. My colleague is still taking umbrage and threatening not to go to the wedding at all. I think she's being really rude and unreasonable. However, a couple of other people at work are agreeing with her and saying things like "you should be either invited as a family or not at all".  Am I out of step here, or are these people being absolutely ridiculous?



This is down to a cost issue, most couples have cut their guest lists down and left a lot of people out as a result, why should they have to invite kids to the wedding which would add further cost and in my experience the kids are bored and as a result going around annoying everybody else.  Nope, you are not out of step, your friend is way off the mark here!


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## TreeTiger (11 Apr 2009)

On the face of it I think your colleague is off the wall.  I can't think of any circumstances where it is appropriate for a guest to tell their hosts who they must invite.  However, if the wedding is in a remote hotel somewhere and guests are making a weekend out of it, then the parents may feel they don't want to leave their children for that period of time.  That said, the choice is theirs as to whether they go or not, and I think it is incredibly rude of your colleague to try to push the bride on the issue.  I bet the bride is sorry for issuing the invitation in the first place.

I found this amusing quote which clarifies the situation from an etiquette point of view: "Judith Martin, in Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, says that hosts should stand firm, and not let their guests pressure them into allowing uninvited children to attend. "Miss Manners feels like weeping when she hears of how rudely people attempt to impose on those whose only crime is to invite them to a wedding." Miss Manners is funny. She says, "Do not listen to the pleas of parents claiming that umbilical cords have not yet been broken at any social event; these are the very parents who will permit their children to whine during the ceremony."


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## Sue Ellen (11 Apr 2009)

Some friend.  If everyone attending the wedding adopted that view then it would cost an arm and a leg and could possibly land up with more children than adults.  Weddings are costly enough these days without this type of selfishness.  They probably just don't want the cost of childminder.


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## shanegl (11 Apr 2009)

They may not want kids running around the place either.


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## Ancutza (11 Apr 2009)

I think that the Bride, by now, should have said to your colleague, "Sorry that you can't make it.  We'll cross you off the list so."  

Your colleague is out of order big time!


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## samanthajane (11 Apr 2009)

Your colleague must of never been dragged to any event as a child, or she wouldn't be so upset. I've lost count of the number of times i was taken along to this that and the other and was bored out of my head, each and every time. Unless it was very close friends or family i would choose not to bring my children. 

If their wishes are that no children are allowed then your colleague either finds someone to mind the kids and then enjoy the day or send their apologies that they will not be able to attend. After all it's not her day.


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## Lex Foutish (11 Apr 2009)

I agree with Ancutza. We operated a no kids policy at our wedding and one or two noses were very much out of joint. We got the same "we mightn't go" threats with a few intercessions on people's behalf etc., but we stuck to our guns. One couple didn't come as a result. We left them off and I think they still regret it. 

Liaconn, I think your colleague is being most unreasonable. It's the couples day, end of story. I'm wondering if your colleague had her mother living with her at home, would your work colleagues demand she be invited as well, arguing that she's family also?


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## becky (11 Apr 2009)

Mt brother got married a little while ago and there were a few younger ones invites but it was nieces and nepjews only.

I do know someone who took exception when her 5 kids weren't on the invite and was insisting that she was going to bring them anyway- she was talked out of it in the end.  I do suspect it was a childminding issue.

A cousin of mine allowed children and provided a meal of chips and sausages etc for them at about 4 or 5pm (there was about 50 of them). The children were then collected at about 7. 

I thought it was a nice gesture as orgainisng a babysitter was easier after this time and the kids still had a bit of a day out.


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## Black Sheep (11 Apr 2009)

Isn't it unbelievable how palin rude some people can be. The bride and groom are issuing the invitations so how can anybody expect to dictate who should be invited.
Surely when a wedding invitation is received the only decision to be made is "To go or not to go". A polite reply is sent and that ends the matter.
A reply such as I don't think I'll go if my kids are not invited should be ignored


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## sandrat (11 Apr 2009)

we had no children at our wedding although the other half's mother insisted on his cousins being allowed bring their kids to the church as it is a public building and we'd have no way of stopping them apparently. They had a baby sitter at the hotel. Others thanked us for not inviting their children, one couple having their first day out without the kids in 10 years.


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## UptheDeise (11 Apr 2009)

sandrat said:


> we had no children at our wedding although the other half's mother insisted on his cousins being allowed bring their kids to the church as it is a public building and we'd have no way of stopping them apparently. They had a baby sitter at the hotel. Others thanked us for not inviting their children, *one couple having their first day out without the kids in 10 years*.


 
What the.... they probably brought the place down. Did the marrying couple know that? I could just image the bride and groom visiting the table of said couple. 'Oh thanks for inviting us to your wedding, this is the first time we've been out over the last ten years, what with the kids an all'. I say the married couple must have got a bit of a shock. Lols.


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## MandaC (11 Apr 2009)

I was just speaking to my sister earlier on and she was telling me that a mutual friend of ours has the same problem.  His brother is getting married next year and his 3 children have not been invited.  The issue here is that the children of another brother have.   The difference being the children who are invited are all teenagers, whereby our friends children are 8, 6 and 3.  

Our friend's wife is apparently "heartbroken" because her 3 are being snubbed and is now thinking of not going.  Personally, I think there might be method in the couples madness because I recall at my sisters wedding this couple were drunk as skunks by 3 o'clock and made a bit of a show of themselves.


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## peno (11 Apr 2009)

weddings are no place for children.

when we got married we had no children invited but one decent relative sent back her correspondence with her hisbands name crossed of and replaced by her 2 year old sons. we were fumin but thank good she was sick and ended up not going.


since then we have been to about 10 weddings and our children we never invited. for 2 close family weddings we were asked if we wanted to bring them and we said no. 

we have 3 kids aged 10, 4 and 2.


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## sandrat (11 Apr 2009)

UptheDeise said:


> What the.... they probably brought the place down. Did the marrying couple know that? I could just image the bride and groom visiting the table of said couple. 'Oh thanks for inviting us to your wedding, this is the first time we've been out over the last ten years, what with the kids an all'. I say the married couple must have got a bit of a shock. Lols.


 
it was my wedding, they had been to weddings before, but with the kids coming along. they had a ball!


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## Bubbly Scot (11 Apr 2009)

When Mr Bubbly and I got married our two kids were there as were a number of others. Our table for ten had all the children at it (and our youngest in the pushchair). We were happy to have children there and enjoyed having them sit with us, their parents enjoyed themselves at the "grown up" tables.

A couple of years ago we were invited as a family to a friends wedding in Australia. We planned to make a three week trip of it and then the bride called and said she couldn't bare the thought of another couples children (also travelling from Europe) causing distruption so she was banning ALL children from the wedding to make it easier to say "no" to the other family.

Now, admittedly I could see where she was coming from but the other children were 5 and 4 with parents who thought they were entitled to free expression. My two were 8 and 15 and knew fine well how to behave.

In the end we said thank you for the invite but we won't be able to attend. Since we were only going there for the wedding and building a holiday around it we changed our plans and had a nice family holiday elsewhere.

I wasn't being stubborn or anything, the bride was entitled to invite (or dis-invite) as she saw fit and she did explain why she had come to this decision. Knowing everyone involved I did understand but as good natured as my children are, I wasn't going to tell them their invite had been withdrawn.


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## Brianne (12 Apr 2009)

People who carry on like this about their children are the same people who when they didn't have children had no interest in children , but now they have them , we're all supposed to love their children and usually put up their obnoxious behaviour. Surely a venue where alcohol is provided and imbibed freely as is the case with Irish weddings is not a suitable venue for children. Those guests are just being selfish and most likely have horrible kids that nobody will babysit. Most parents love an occasional day off from parenting and it's not difficult to get babysitters if you pay them well and your offspring are civilised!


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## Brianne (12 Apr 2009)

And sorry, forgot to add this, if it is difficult to get a babysitter for reasons such as location, time etc., well tough!!!  That's the price you pay when you have kids, you can't do what you like, when you like and they're your kids! But why should the rest of us have to put up with them the one day that we get married!!!


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## Bubbly Scot (12 Apr 2009)

Brianne said:


> but now they have them , we're all supposed to love their children and usually put up their obnoxious behaviour.



It's not clear from my post, I do agree with you. I think a couple have every right to invite who they want to a wedding. In the same way, the invitee's can chose whether to attend or not.

I believe I handled the withdrawal of my children's invite in a dignified manner - "I'm not sure I would be comfortable leaving the girls alone for that length of time in a strange country....and I certainly don't want [my children] babysitting [the other children].......but you enjoy you're day, we'll be thinking of you" We are good friends, it wasn't a problem.

I think the people who strop and make a fuss tell us a bit about their children...and goes a little ways to explaining why they weren't invited to the wedding!


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## Sully1 (12 Apr 2009)

Why would someone want to bring children to a wedding. A wedding is a social occassion where you let your hair down, have a few drinks and so on....who in their right mind would seriously enjoy a day where they have to mind their kids, entretain them, keep them quiet during speeches (its hard enough to keep the adults quiet!) and so on and then to top it off have to get up at the crack of dawnwith tem when they wake up in the hotel room and you have a hangover?????? No thank you...if you wnat to spend time with your kids you do so in the proper enviroment not at a wedding


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## Yorrick (12 Apr 2009)

If they were real friends they would understand fully why the children were not invited. 
Does the bride and groom  really need this hassle?
If people don't want to comply with the couples wishes so be it. 
I am sure that the wedding will be a great success anyway without the whingers


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## S.L.F (12 Apr 2009)

Sully1 said:


> Why would someone want to bring children to a wedding. A wedding is a social occassion where you let your hair down, have a few drinks and so on....who in their right mind would seriously enjoy a day where they have to mind their kids, entretain them, keep them quiet during speeches (its hard enough to keep the adults quiet!) and so on and then to top it off have to get up at the crack of dawnwith tem when they wake up in the hotel room and you have a hangover?????? No thank you...if you wnat to spend time with your kids you do so in the proper enviroment not at a wedding


 
I can't imagine bringing my boy to a wedding having to wake up with a monstrocoius hang over.


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## Lex Foutish (12 Apr 2009)

S.L.F said:


> I can't imagine bringing my boy to a wedding having to wake up with a monstrocoius hang over.


 
Fair point, S.L.F., but what if the wedding *wasn't* in Cork?


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## SlurrySlump (12 Apr 2009)

A sister of mine who has shown no interest in her grandniece since she was born was making arrangements for her own daughters wedding. We heard on the grapevine that she was considering having some "flower girls" at her daughters wedding and was wondering would her grandniece be suitable.
Christmas was coming and out of the blue there were lots of enquiries from her about her grandniece and wishing to see her over the Christmas.  Presumably for inspection purposes.  Needless to say that her previously ignored grandniece wasn't available for inspection.


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## S.L.F (12 Apr 2009)

Lex Foutish said:


> Fair point, S.L.F., but what if the wedding *wasn't* in Cork?


 
Then not only would I have a good time but I wouldn't have such a bad hang-over due to the bad Cork beer.

I mean I drank enough of it so I should know.

Right, am I right, Right...


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## Lex Foutish (12 Apr 2009)

S.L.F said:


> Then not only would I have a good time but I wouldn't have such a bad hang-over due to the bad Cork beer.
> 
> I mean I drank enough of it so I should know.
> 
> Right, am I right, Right...


 

You the Maaaaaannnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## rmelly (12 Apr 2009)

This attitude of not going or kicking up a fuss because your children weren't invited is ridiculous - it's what I'd expect from my sister in law. One of her children is the last one I'd want there - he's a nightmare. 

It seems to be the parents whose children are little terrors that have this attitude - maybe they have been blacklisted by all their local babysitters, so have no choice?

The last few weddings I was at, there weren't any children, despite siblings on both sides having children and the siblings being very close.


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## liaconn (12 Apr 2009)

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to see I'm not in the minority.

I really can't understand how people with young children can't appreciate the extra expense it would put the bride and groom to if they had to invite all their friends' children to their wedding, not to mention the bedlam that would ensue at the service with babies' crying, toddlers running around and older kids getting bored and starting to talk and fidget and wanting to go outside.

I also agree with the point made that parents who carry on like this are likely to have badly behaved, spoilt kids who have been lead to believe they are the centre of the Universe. Another reason not to invite them!


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## Bubbly Scot (12 Apr 2009)

jaybird said:


> .
> I would however be a little miffed if we/they were invited and then disinvited, as I think thats pretty rude to do to anyone, adult or child, but I wouldn't say anything about it.



I must admit, that was hard to swallow. Here we were, a few weeks from booking our flights and the bride called and ever so casually dropped it into the conversation. She adores my children but I think she was perhaps a bit unthinking. On one visit she announced "presents" and then handed Mr Bubbly and I a pressie each before announcing that was it, she had no room in her luggage for kids pressies so she didn't bring them anything.

Oppps.

Back to the wedding, she didn't call the other family, I unwittingly mentioned it  some weeks later (thinking they'd already know). The mum took umbridge, declared she wasn't going if they weren't going and since we weren't going she wouldn't have a baby sitter anyway!


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## gipimann (12 Apr 2009)

I remember going to a wedding (evening reception only) of a work colleague some years ago.  She and hubby didn't have a lot of money and both had large families, so they made the decision that no children were being invited, and the meal was limited to family only in a restaurant.  There were ructions, tears, tantrums (from the adults!) but the couple stuck to their guns.  The evening reception was in a pub function room, so there wasn't a lot of space.....and even less when the children were brought along anyway.....the annoyed parents just decided to bring their little darlings irrespective of the wishes of the couple.   I remember the bride being extremely upset on what should have been her happiest day.

Me?  I agree with all, if the couple don't want children at the wedding, it's their call and if an invitee takes umbrage, then they aren't worth inviting!


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## dodo (12 Apr 2009)

I may be selfish here but we as a family where invited to my sister's wedding along with my siblings children all under the 10 year age,I kindly said thanks sis but no thanks only the wife and myself will be going.The thoughts of them running riot with the other children would drive my blood pressure to heart attack stage. You may say bad parenting to let children run riot but I am still waiting to go to a wedding with children and not see sheer madness drinks knocked over,crying,shouting for no real good reason etc.I love weddings especially other people's wedding's and not having the worry of what and where my children are. I think if this woman does not go to the wedding it will seem like a wedding present to the Bride and Groom in itself.I think they only invited her because they had to sort of thing. She does not sound nice and will moan at something else at the wedding so please encourage her that she is in her rights not to go and that everyone at AAM agree with her.


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## z104 (12 Apr 2009)

No way , No children at weddings, Torture.

Anyway, people generally drink alot at wedding so even more so for not having them there. Teenagers perhaps but no kids under 13.

I think your friend is away in cloud cuckoo land to want kids there.


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## AgathaC (13 Apr 2009)

liaconn said:


> Just interested in getting people's view on the following:
> 
> A colleague of mine has been invited to an old friend's wedding and is highly insulted that her two kids (aged 5 and 8) haven't been included in the invitation, just herself and her husband. She has actually said this to her friend who has explained that the only children being invited are the older nieces and nephews of herself and the groom. My colleague is still taking umbrage and threatening not to go to the wedding at all. I think she's being really rude and unreasonable. However, a couple of other people at work are agreeing with her and saying things like "you should be either invited as a family or not at all". Am I out of step here, or are these people being absolutely ridiculous?


I agree that your colleague is being rude and unreasonable and I hope that the couple getting married do not change what they have decided re children at the wedding. It is their day after all. I saw this recently with a colleague who was getting married and she too was put under pressure from relatives to be allowed to bring their small child even though she had made it quite clear that they were not inviting children. She was very stressed about the situation but I believe that she stood firm. I cannot understand how someone thinks it is in any way acceptable to threaten not to attend a wedding unless their children are invited. With friends like these who needs enemies??


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## Yachtie (13 Apr 2009)

liaconn said:


> Just interested in getting people's view on the following:
> 
> A colleague of mine has been invited to an old friend's wedding and is highly insulted that her two kids (aged 5 and 8) haven't been included in the invitation, just herself and her husband. She has actually said this to her friend who has explained that the only children being invited are the older nieces and nephews of herself and the groom. My colleague is still taking umbrage and threatening not to go to the wedding at all. I think she's being really rude and unreasonable. However, a couple of other people at work are agreeing with her and saying things like "you should be either invited as a family or not at all". Am I out of step here, or are these people being absolutely ridiculous?


 

I am getting married in six weeks and the only children who are ok to attend are my seven months old nephew who will be travelling with his parents for over 3000 miles and a friend's four months old girl. A babysitter is organised for the two of them and as they are both breast feeding babies, their mums will be able to feed them and check on them without us having them at the actual wedding. 

My husband to be's family suggested that we invite his nephews and nieces and I was very firm in telling them NO. First of all, we are not very child friendly to start with, secondly, we'd end up with more children than adults and to top it all off, it would take more logistics and planning to keep all those kids entertained and in check. 

As a bride I can honestly say that if any invited guest went in a strop over their children not being invited and threatened not to turn up, I'd tell them that they don't have to. It's our day and we'll have it which ever way we want and the genuine friends who want to share this special occassion with us will be there no matter what.


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## car (14 Apr 2009)

For last 10 years I attend 70-80 weddings a year through work with entertainment (music/DJ).    Maybe 1-2 a year through attending as guest.

The best weddings are where several kids attend and are ruly and have parents that look out for them. Ive come to the conclusion that the reason is because its family based and the whole sharing with family thing.   however the worst weddings are where kids are running around bored and the parents arent looking out for them.   If you have guest who are these types of parents then you cannot bring their kids, and if you cant invite their kids, you cant invite any kids.  

The best wedding I attended was foreign. A couple of us stayed outside of  the church and played with the kids and at the hotel, the kids ate nuggets and chips first. Then while adults ate, a clown was hired for 2 hours to entertain the kids.   more entertainment for kids was put on later.   half the attendees would not have been there without this.

which brings to next point, if you're getting married and several guests have children, bear in mind that baby sitters will be needed, not just for the day but also the day after.   If youre getting married during school term and its a week day, sending an invite to the wedding where guests have to travel and stating "no kids" is taking the absolute p*ss in my opinion.  (Ive received 2 this year).


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## DeeFox (14 Apr 2009)

Did anyone watch "Brides by Franc" on RTE on Sunday night?  The couple getting married had 4 children and wanted a "child friendly" wedding.  The best thing they did, I think,  was to send all the kids off on a bus to a funfair while the dinner was going on.  The cost of this wasn't discussed though but it would be interesting to know if the couple paid or if the parents all chipped in.
I can't understand why someone would want to bring a child to a wedding except if they couldn't afford or organise a childminder. Slightly separate note, but I hate when I am talking to a parent and they have one eye on the child and the flow of conversation in constantly interupted.


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## Ron Burgundy (14 Apr 2009)

We had a bout 30 kids of all ages at our wedding. 

We had a ps3 + xbox 360 set up in one conrer of the room and baby sitters for the younger ones.

A wedding is a family celebration for us and we wanted all our family there.

Come 1.30 in the morning the floor was full with guests from 3 to 73 and thats the way we wanted it. But it is a personal choice and people should just respect the couple and how they want their day.


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## Vanilla (14 Apr 2009)

DeeFox said:


> Slightly separate note, but I hate when I am talking to a parent and they have one eye on the child and the flow of conversation in constantly interupted.


 
Jeeze, parents can't win! Keep an eye on your child, you're not giving your undivided attention to a friend- don't keep an eye on your child, you're a bad parent!

Ultimately invitations are at the absolute discretion of the bride and groom. So whatever they decide is up to them.

Personally I like children at weddings; we invited lots to ours. They had a ball on the dancefloor and it was gas to see all children from loads of different nationalities communicate through play. 

Each to their own though. It doesnt bother me either way if I am invited with or without children.


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## Yachtie (14 Apr 2009)

Ron Burgundy said:


> Come 1.30 in the morning the floor was full with guests from 3 to 73 and *thats the way we wanted it*. But it is a personal choice and people should just respect the couple and how they want their day.


 
This really sums it up - it's which ever way *the couple want their day*. 

In my opinion, the whole 'sharing with family' concept is ok but where do you draw the line? I have a couple of friends who have been my surrogate family for years. They have four children and even though I love them (the children) dearly, I don't want them at my wedding because I know how they'd behave. I also think it's unfair not to invite close friends' children if you invite family children because in reality, a lot of people have friends closer to them than their actual family. Then if you invite close friends' children and you don't invite less close friends' children.... it's a vicious circle. 

That's why we felt that the same rules for everyone is the simplest and fairest way to go about it and so far we had no one complain. We may be lucky that a lot of our friends look forward to the day of child-free fun and frolicks.


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## Ron Burgundy (14 Apr 2009)

I've worked at over 1000 weddings and can say if they couple aren't happy, whats the point ???

Are they having this day to make others happy or to ask others help them celebrate their day ??


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## Samantha (14 Apr 2009)

If it is a friend wedding, I don't mind if my kids are not invited but if it is a family wedding, I would be upset if they are not invited because the kids are part of their family as well, friends not!!!


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## z104 (14 Apr 2009)

I suppose it's ok to be in the company of drunken relatives then ..?


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## DeeFox (14 Apr 2009)

Ron Burgundy said:


> Are they having this day to make others happy or to ask others help them celebrate their day ??


 
This is a really interesting point. I think a lot of times it ends up being the former, unfortunately.  I'm probably going to get married in the next few year to my long term boyfriend and we have already talked about having a very small wedding abroad - I know if the wedding was here (in Ireland)that I would be "required" to invite family members who I don't get on with and rarely see.  And that his mother would want to be heavily involved in the organisation to the point of it being easier to give in to her than do it the way I want ( - based on info given my boyfriends two sisters in law).
I once said to my sister that I wouldn't want a sit down dinner at my wedding, that I would prefer a barbeque or something similar, and she said I could forget about getting a €100 "present" from her as this was cheap...not sure if she was joking!!  And that's the next thing - I hate the obligatory cash presents that have become part of wedding culture.  I know they are a necessary evil and are practical but I think they really cheapen the day.


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## Yachtie (14 Apr 2009)

Samantha said:


> If it is a friend wedding, I don't mind if my kids are not invited but if it is a family wedding, I would be upset if they are not invited because the kids are part of their family as well, friends not!!!


 
I think that this is a bit unfair and really depends on the bride and groom and their relationship with their families, their relationship with the children and their budget. I can only speak for myself (even though I am sure that I am not the only one) but my wedding is for my husband and me and then family and friends, although I'd put a good few of my friends before some of my non-immediate family any day of the week.   



DeeFox said:


> This is a really interesting point. I think a lot of times it ends up being the former, unfortunately. I'm probably going to get married in the next few year to my long term boyfriend and we have already talked about having a very small wedding abroad - I know if the wedding was here (in Ireland)that I would be "required" to invite family members who I don't get on with and rarely see. And that his mother would want to be heavily involved in the organisation to the point of it being easier to give in to her than do it the way I want ( - based on info given my boyfriends two sisters in law).
> I once said to my sister that I wouldn't want a sit down dinner at my wedding, that I would prefer a barbeque or something similar, and she said I could forget about getting a €100 "present" from her as this was cheap...not sure if she was joking!! And that's the next thing - I hate the obligatory cash presents that have become part of wedding culture. I know they are a necessary evil and are practical but I think they really cheapen the day.


 
We are having a small wedding in Ireland with 80-ish invited guests. After the wedding ceremony we are having a sit-down meal (lunch) with immediate family and only a handful of closest friends.  In the evening, we are having a big barbecue to which our remaining friends and distant relatives are invited. It isn't much cheaper than a sit-down meal for everyone but it's what we want and what really reflects our personalities. It's supposed to be fun for us and then for our guests. There were loads of comments about how to have a 'proper' wedding andd what you 'have to' have or do but we simply wouldn't budge. Oh, and the presents - we told everyone not to get us anything (including cash) as we have everything we want or need and there is no point giving us stuff that will be chucked into the attic never to be seen again.


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## Complainer (14 Apr 2009)

DeeFox said:


> Did anyone watch "Brides by Franc" on RTE on Sunday night?  The couple getting married had 4 children and wanted a "child friendly" wedding.  The best thing they did, I think,  was to send all the kids off on a bus to a funfair while the dinner was going on.  The cost of this wasn't discussed though but it would be interesting to know if the couple paid or if the parents all chipped in.


Who supervised the kids at the funfair?


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## DeeFox (15 Apr 2009)

Complainer said:


> Who supervised the kids at the funfair?


 
I don't think it was made clear in the programme who supervised them - I imagine "volunteers" or babysitters were hired.  I really like this programme but I think it's a pity they have dropped the discussion about budget at the start of each episode (which used to be done in previous series).


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## callaghanj (19 Apr 2009)

Weddings should be mainly children free events and pushy parents who think otherwise are deluded!! They only want to bring the kids along to show them off and bore everyone of tales about nurseries, schools and  until recently the price of houses!!! Parts of this are meant in jest so please dont get offended....


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## Complainer (19 Apr 2009)

DeeFox said:


> I don't think it was made clear in the programme who supervised them - I imagine "volunteers" or babysitters were hired.  I really like this programme but I think it's a pity they have dropped the discussion about budget at the start of each episode (which used to be done in previous series).


As a parent, I'd be very cagey about sending off my child with unknown babysitters.


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## BoscoTalking (20 Apr 2009)

callaghanj said:


> Weddings should be mainly children free events and pushy parents who think otherwise are deluded!! They only want to bring the kids along to show them off and bore everyone of tales about nurseries, schools and  until recently the price of houses!!! Parts of this are meant in jest so please dont get offended....


 i think people get so wound up about this... its costs little to invite children, they don't need extra entertaining and the only thing i think guests hate (myself included) is when their parents bring them and expect someone else to mind them, you bring them then you know when they are flagging and need to be put to bed, when you need to say no to that drink incase you need to drive in an emergency etc. That said my own wedding was child friendly and its the one flowergirl that sold the show on the dancefloor, and no i didn't feel upstaged by her! 

As for the OP -if its a family wedding and the people in question are not family just regular guests then its fair enough to invite the parents and not the children - as with all invites when you send them you run the risk of them being respectfully declined.


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## casiopea (20 Apr 2009)

pennypitstop said:


> i think people get so wound up about this... its costs little to invite children,



Not necessarily so,  many locations charge (ie the meal) the same, or nearly as much, per child as per adult.  Also many locations have a capacity so by inviting the children of a colleague you cant invite friends you'd like to have attend.  

One thing to bare in mind is that in Europe most children attend weddings so if you send an invite to Mr. and Mrs. Smith from Spain they will most likely show up with their children even if the children arent named in the invitation.


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## liaconn (20 Apr 2009)

pennypitstop said:


> ithe only thing i think guests hate (myself included) is when their parents bring them and expect someone else to mind them, you bring them then you know when they are flagging and need to be put to bed, when you need to say no to that drink incase you need to drive in an emergency etc.
> 
> quote]
> 
> ...


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## Yachtie (21 Apr 2009)

liaconn said:


> pennypitstop said:
> 
> 
> > ithe only thing i think guests hate (myself included) is when their parents bring them and expect someone else to mind them, you bring them then you know when they are flagging and need to be put to bed, when you need to say no to that drink incase you need to drive in an emergency etc.
> ...


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## zag (23 Apr 2009)

Niallers said:


> I suppose it's ok to be in the company of drunken relatives then ..?



Let's assume for a second that a wedding is not actually just a reason to turn into a drunken relative and flip this question on its head for a moment - is it considered OK for adults to get themselves into such a state that they are embarassed or unwilling to be seen in front of children at a social event ?  Never mind the story at 0300 when you wouldn't expect children to be around, what about during the dinner and afterwards in the early evening ?  Is it OK to be so stocious that you don't want children to see you like that ?

z


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## liaconn (23 Apr 2009)

Well, my colleague has now decided magnanimously to go to the wedding and leave the children with her parents for the day. She has, however, commented that she hopes her friend won't be so 'anti-children' when she has some of her own.

Mind you, she's one of those annoying people who's always using her kids to get her own way at work; 'I need to take my holidays in July...'  'I can't stay late..'  'I can't be expected to do this, that and the other...'


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## shesells (24 Apr 2009)

We didn't want to have loads of children at our wedding. Neither of us have nieces or nephews so that wasn't an issue. We had 2 pageboys, who came from California along with their 12 month old sister. Their parents (good friends of ours) asked if they could bring a friend to the wedding to act as babysitter. We agreed of course (they did come half way round the world for our wedding!) and she looked after the three kids when it was bedtime leaving the mom and dad to party with us.

The only other kids that we could have had were my cousins (my uncle is considerably younger than the rest of his family so his kids (4) were 5-10 at the time). We discussed with my uncle whether or not he wanted them to come. As there were no other kids they decided they would be bored and would be better off at home. We included them in the invite anyway as I didn't want to insult my cousins, but them not coming was the right thing to do.

It's horses for courses, but I do agree it's up to the bride and groom to invite who they want to and if that's no kids, nobody has the right to dictate otherwise.


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## Kate10 (24 Apr 2009)

The people who make a huge fuss about bringing their kids to a wedding are ALWAYS the ones with nightmare children.  Fact of life.


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## truthseeker (24 Apr 2009)

Myself and himself are getting married this year in the registry office and just having 12/14 people off to a restaurant afterwards.

We have requested that his siblings do not bring their children. This has resulted in loads of moaning but the bottom line for us is this:

Its our day, we want our small group to enjoy themselves and we know for sure that his mammy will feel she 'has' to keep an eye on and pander to the kids at every turn, so we'd rather keep it child free.

Personally I feel that any event where people may be drinking copious amounts of alcohol (Im referring to 'normal' wedding receptions here) is not an appropriate venue for children anyway and there is usually a lot of screaming/crying/falls/knocking drinks over/sick child from too much goodies etc....


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## DerKaiser (25 Apr 2009)

truthseeker said:


> ....there is usually a lot of screaming/crying/falls/knocking drinks over.....



and that's just the adults....


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## mathepac (25 Apr 2009)

I am somewhat bemused by the responses. Paraphrasing :


 Weddings are where adults get locked and thus they are unsuitable events for children
 The morning after being locked, the adults will be as sick as small hospitals and thus unable to discharge their parental duties, therefore children shouldn't attend weddings
 Weddings are for families, thus kids must go
 If I get a wedding invitation, I can interpret the invitation any way I like
 People need invitations to go to a church
      and amidst the madness, some sanity "The day is the bride and groom's they can share it with whomsoever they choose".

With the Tiger dead and buried, I suppose its time to revert to the stereotypical drunken Irish wedding, but as we're much more grown up now, we'll leave little Mortimer and Mortitia with the au pair and go out and get wrecked - or we'll bring them all and get wrecked together!

Ah well, God is good.


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## Froggie (26 Apr 2009)

The Bride and Groom call the shots and rightly so, its their day.


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## deedee80 (28 Apr 2009)

What is with these people!  If I had kids and was invited to a wedding I can imagine I would be only too happy to have the day off, just hubby and me, and get the kids minded.  Now perhapys I will be proven wrong when I do have kids (god willing) but I certainly can't see the logic in that scenario at the moment.  I have been to many family events with parents and kids and more often then not the parents are run ragged and fairly stressed trying to keep an eye on the little ones while also trying to socialise with the adults.


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## Chocks away (28 Apr 2009)

If the bride and groom want them, OK. After all it's their day.


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## bonzos (14 May 2009)

Had the same problem ourselves. a few of my wifes relations were "highly insulted" that their kid were not invited ,these people would need to cop on and join the real world rather than thinking they have to live up to this b*llsh1t VIP/HELLO Mag image they set for themselves. The resession will sort a lot of these people out ,when all the BS and SUV's is stripped away it will be the ordinary people who respect their family and friends that will still be happy!


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## Yoltan (20 May 2009)

liaconn said:


> My colleague is still taking umbrage and threatening not to go to the wedding at all.


 
Unbelievable. It's entirely the decision of the couple getting married and she should respect that. A lot of people with children think the world revolves around them and the children should be included in everything. Not so. I was at a wedding recently where no children were invited. From my own personal experience, I would much prefer it.


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## mick1960 (23 May 2009)

I have noticed that all the children I have seen at all the weddings I have attended have just been self centred, ill mannered free loaders who even have the cheek not to bring a gift! 
And in most cases the parents condone this!!
Until as a family group ,they cop themselves on,they should be banned from any opportunity to get away with this.
Sending out a present list to the kids might sort this out.


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## Yoltan (24 May 2009)

mick1960 said:


> I have noticed that all the children I have seen at all the weddings I have attended have just been self centred, ill mannered free loaders who even have the cheek not to bring a gift!
> And in most cases the parents condone this!!
> Until as a family group ,they cop themselves on,they should be banned from any opportunity to get away with this.
> Sending out a present list to the kids might sort this out.


 
Brilliant!!!


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## Niallman (25 May 2009)

Liaconn, just curious to hear if you've passed on the comments from here to your colleague?!


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## liaconn (30 May 2009)

No I haven't as I don't want her to know I was posting about her. I would love to send it to her anonymously but either she'd guess it was me or some innocent colleague would get the blame.

I'm not sure it would get through anyway. She is completley wrapped up in her family and thinks that nothing and nobody else matters. She even made a comment in front of me and a couple of other colleagues without kids the other day, about how something in work had really upset her years ago because 'when you don't have children work is the main thing in your life isn't it?'.


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## truthseeker (30 May 2009)

liaconn said:


> She is completley wrapped up in her family and thinks that nothing and nobody else matters. She even made a comment in front of me and a couple of other colleagues without kids the other day, about how something in work had really upset her years ago because 'when you don't have children work is the main thing in your life isn't it?'.



Gawd, I have a friend who has gone like that. Since she gave birth *over 3 years ago* her only line of conversation is her child, if anyone moves onto a different subject she interrupts and starts going on about her child again, it can last hours. Even when told (in a joking manner) about how we are not allowed talk about the kids anymore (this can only be said by other people with kids) - she goes into a huff and has nothing else to say. Its like her only life is her child, she has no other interest in anything or anyone else and the poor child is being mothered to death. I bet if she saw this thread she'd be DISGUSTED that people think you shouldnt bring your children to weddings!!!


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## liaconn (30 May 2009)

I have an old schoolfriend like that. She lives abroad now and when she comes home and gets in touch there's no 'so how have you been, what's been going on' , she just launches into how Katie* is wrecked after the flight, how she took her to the park today, how she's just going to bed now etc etc etc. I sometimes wonder if I told her I had six months to live would she just go mmmm  and then start telling me about something cute Katie had said that day. I really like kids but, to be honest, there's only so much interest you can take in children that aren't directly related to you. I'm sure most people feel the same, so why can't some people realise this?


* Names have been changed to protect the underage.


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## Brianne (1 Jun 2009)

liaconn said:


> I really like kids but, to be honest, there's only so much interest you can take in children that aren't directly related to you. I'm sure most people feel the same, so why can't some people realise this



My sentiments entirely!! I have endured too many evenings with women when their sole conversation centred around the products of their reproductive system; it drives me cracked and in my opinion, men don't do this.
In the early 80's when my children were very young, the place where I worked had a draconian supervisor and she forbade all conversations about husbands and children!!!
We thought it awful at the time but boy was she right as the place was full of competitive women who, when she wasn't around, would try besting one another with tales of their offspring or appendages!!!
If most people are honest , other people's children can bore you to death!!

Maybe this should be compulsory reading for some women!!

[broken link removed]


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## truthseeker (1 Jun 2009)

liaconn said:


> I really like kids but, to be honest, there's only so much interest you can take in children that aren't directly related to you.



I agree - although quite frankly when someone obsesses on one subject and only one subject then its hard to take no matter what the subject matter is. In the case of my friend it happens to be her child, but Id feel the same way if she was constantly obsessed about her dog or her job or anything - its not healthy for someone to be so inanely wrapped in just one particular subject that they cannot talk about anything else. Its particularly not healthy when that one subject is another human being. No one should be so wrapped up in someone else that they cant think about anything else at all.

What causes it? Is it that they dont get out anymore? Ive other friends with kids who dont obsess on them like that.


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## liaconn (1 Jun 2009)

In my friend's case I think its the fact that she's living abroad with no family around and has had to give up work due to health problems. So in fairness she probably doesn't have a lot going on.

However, there is also an 'us mums' smuggie type who just enjoys behaving as if they belong to a special club and like to make people without kids feel excluded or a non-person. My 'friend' at work is one of those!


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## JP1234 (1 Jun 2009)

In fairness now, it's not just women who can talk about nothing but their children. There's a man at my work who actually turns his head and stares into the distance if the subject is taken off him/his wife/his children. We have turned it into a game to see how long he lasts before he says "my little ones...."


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## AgathaC (2 Jun 2009)

liaconn said:


> She even made a comment in front of me and a couple of other colleagues without kids the other day, about how something in work had really upset her years ago because 'when you don't have children work is the main thing in your life isn't it?'.


 Oh yes, I know the type, I have worked with them too. I hope that the people who invited her to the wedding realise the sacrifice she is making by attending...


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## Yachtie (3 Jun 2009)

Well, we got married last week and had a wonderful child-free wedding. Even parents who initially objected to our strict no children rule commented how much fun they've had and how they were able to let their hair down because kids were left at home with grannies.


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## Caveat (4 Jun 2009)

Yachtie said:


> Well, we got married last week and had a wonderful child-free wedding. Even parents who initially objected to our strict no children rule commented how much fun they've had and how they were able to let their hair down because kids were left at home with grannies.


 
There ye go - that settles it then.  Thread closed. 

Congratulations Yachtie!


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