# Boyfriend & christmas gifts



## Mel (10 Dec 2010)

Boyfriend of 5 months doesn't 'believe' in christmas (or birthday) gifts. 
Apparently if he needs something he'll buy it for himself. 
At a loss for words I was unable to let him know clearly that I do 'believe' in same. 

Is he 
a) practical?
b) the grinch?
c) testing me?

Just wondering is this common?? Or am I being materialistic? 
Note - he is generous with regards to meals/ drinks, but he has never bought me any sort of gift, even flowers.


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## Mucker Man (10 Dec 2010)

I think he's looking for the easy way out, not having to buy you anything.
As a guy it is very hard to be imaginitive in buying presents for you partner!!


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

B - the Grinch.

Honestly? Id judge him as utterly self absorbed. People who cannot empathise with others like of giving/receiving gifts either have some kind of social disability like autism or they are selfish self absorbed eejits. Or tight.

Just remember if you stick with him - its going to be a lifetime of 'I dont believe in gifts'.

What else does he not believe in?


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## Caveat (10 Dec 2010)

Mel said:


> Boyfriend of 5 months doesn't 'believe' in christmas (or birthday) gifts.
> Apparently if he needs something he'll buy it for himself...
> 
> but he has never bought me any sort of gift, even flowers.


 
Given that he is otherwise generous, I'm finding it difficult to decide whether he is

1) Highly principled and dogmatic

2) A stingy weirdo who has accepted that he will have to spend money on you in some respect so has restricted it to meals and drinks only so as not to lose you immediately.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Caveat said:


> ...A stingy weirdo...


 
lol - love it!


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## TarfHead (10 Dec 2010)

truthseeker said:


> People who cannot empathise with others like of giving/receiving gifts either have some kind of social disability like autism or they are selfish self absorbed eejits.


 
I believe we're all at different points on the autistic spectrum. For men, it's more pronounced.

Blood relatives, significant other - no problem with giving and receiving presents. After that, there's a line and on the 'wrong' side of that line I include in-laws, spouses of in-laws, children of in-laws, and everyone else.

If you're not my wife, or a blood relative, you're not on my list.


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## Caveat (10 Dec 2010)

TarfHead said:


> If you're not my wife, or a blood relative, you're not on my list.


 
Sounds like the FF nepotism mantra !


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## missdaisy (10 Dec 2010)

I like Caveat's post!! 

Gosh that's a tough one. It would send a warning sign to me though - a lifetime of no thoughtful gifts, at Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day, annviersaries. And I mean thoughtful gifts, I don't mean expensive ones.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

TarfHead said:


> I believe we're all at different points on the autistic spectrum. For men, it's more pronounced.


 

So do I - but the 'I dont believe in gifts at all' mantra would indicate to me that he is aware that other people believe in them - and doesnt care. Not good.


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## Mel (10 Dec 2010)

Gosh.
He's a very principled individual, but intelligent enough to realise that this matters to most people. 
I'm very disappointed as I was looking forward to having someone to spoil and vice versa for the first christmas in ages. Either way the fun is now removed from it. 
He's skating on thin ice for this and other reasons at the moment... 
How do I find them?

ETA - had planned spend the bones of €300 on a lovely watch that would be relevant to his job - what should I now do?


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## Staples (10 Dec 2010)

Has he said that he's not getting presents AT ALL or has he just indicated that the whole gift thing doesn't excite him. There's a differnce. Some people go a bit nuts trying to get the "perfect" present for someone, often at considerable expense. 

Maybe he's just giving you an out by letting you know that he won't be offended if you give him a tie and a book token. Sounds like the type that would hate you to spend money on soemthing he wouldn't like or use. That's not to say that he wouldn't spend money on you if he thught you'd appreciate it.

BTW, nothing says "oh-oh" like a €300 watch from a girlfriend of five months.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Mel said:


> He's a very principled individual, but intelligent enough to realise that this matters to most people.


 
Its not intelligence thats at issue with something like this - its selfishness.



Mel said:


> I'm very disappointed as I was looking forward to having someone to spoil and vice versa for the first christmas in ages. Either way the fun is now removed from it.


 
Can you tell him this? Obv all relationships are different but at this stage are you close enough to just come out and announce this to him? If he knows how much it means to you he might change his tune?



Mel said:


> How do I find them?


 
How do you find what?

Thats a tough call about the watch - on the one hand you dont want to not get him something out of spite, on the other hand why should you bother if he doesnt?

Personally Id address it verbally before making any decisions.

But if he is already on thin ice maybe you need to do a full re-consider?


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## Caveat (10 Dec 2010)

Mel said:


> ETA - had planned spend the bones of €300 on a lovely watch that would be relevant to his job - what should I now do?


 
Spend €298 on yourself and get him a watch that suits his attitude rather than his job - get one that doesn't actually work or tell the time at all.

Just tell him: " Oh I don't really believe in time"


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## Sunny (10 Dec 2010)

I just e-mailed this idea to my girlfriend. I can safely say, it is not going to catch on.


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## pinkyBear (10 Dec 2010)

missdaisy said:


> Gosh that's a tough one. It would send a warning sign to me though - a lifetime of no thoughtful gifts, at Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day, annviersaries. And I mean thoughtful gifts, I don't mean expensive ones.



+1
 If he valued you and presents were something he just didn't do, he'd get you something small, but something you'd appreciate..

I think he's being mean spirited. I know your not married, I am and I would feel hurt that after 13 years together Mr Bear didn't get me something. It doesn't have to be dear! 

P..


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Staples said:


> BTW, nothing says "oh-oh" like a €300 watch from a girlfriend of five months.


 
That really depends on the nature of the individual relationship doesnt it? All couples are different, and all relationships move along at different speeds.


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## Mel (10 Dec 2010)

Staples said:


> Has he said that he's not getting presents AT ALL or has he just indicated that the whole gift thing doesn't excite him. There's a differnce. Some people go a bit nuts trying to get the "perfect" present for someone, often at considerable expense.
> 
> Maybe he's just giving you an out by letting you know that he won't be offended if you give him a tie and a book token. Sounds like the type that would hate you to spend money on soemthing he wouldn't like or use. That's not to say that he wouldn't spend money on you if he thught you'd appreciate it.


 
I asked what he'd like (he's away and I'll be doing my shopping while he's gone) and he said he didn't want any present, didn't believe in them, and just buys what he needs when he needs it. He did ask to be fair if I'd like something, and I said no, out of disappointment really. I'll be letting him know in 

What you suggest does sound like him, he is a very practical person. So that may be it. But I'm very aware of what some of the girls are suggesting - ending up in a situation where I never get a treat or surprise, or something to make me feel special.


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## The_Banker (10 Dec 2010)

I have a similar type problem that your boyfriend has.

My wife should be named Noelle. If I let her she would put the Xmas tree up on August 31st. 
Every year she gets me a present despite me telling her I dont want one. This then put pressure on me to buy her a present. She always says "It doesn't matter what you get me because as you get me something it will prove you love me".
However that sentiment went out the window when I got her a years subscription to Playboy magazine.

Some people...


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Mel said:


> But I'm very aware of what some of the girls are suggesting - ending up in a situation where I never get a treat or surprise, or something to make me feel special.


 
These kind of things early in a relationship should be used as warning signals. You need to ask yourself what YOU want from the relationship, can you do without the treats because something else makes up for it? For life? Or will you end up feeling resentful because he doesnt make the effort?


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## The_Banker (10 Dec 2010)

Mel said:


> I asked what he'd like (he's away and I'll be doing my shopping while he's gone) and he said he didn't want any present, didn't believe in them, and just buys what he needs when he needs it. He did ask to be fair if I'd like something, and I said no, out of disappointment really. I'll be letting him know in
> 
> What you suggest does sound like him, he is a very practical person. So that may be it. But I'm very aware of what some of the girls are suggesting - ending up in a situation where I never get a treat or surprise, or something to make me feel special.


 

No offence but I think you are looking for Utopia.


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## Mel (10 Dec 2010)

truthseeker said:


> Its not intelligence thats at issue with something like this - its selfishness.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
How do I find these guys. 
I'm not going to buy anything until we've discussed this, and as for a re-consider, that will depend on the outcome I guess. On the one hand he's great, but the little gestures and demonstrations are missing, the things that elevate someone beyond friend to boyfriend. 
As for the watch - it's at the upper limit of what I'd spend, but had wanted to get him a watch, to replace an old one he has, and when I started researching, this particular one was perfect, so considered getting that as a combined christmas and birthday which is soon after christmas. Wasn't planning it in a bunny boiler way.


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## Sunny (10 Dec 2010)

Why not just buy him something small. I am sure he will buy you something as well even if you said you didn't want anything. If he doesn't, he obviously doesn't understand women!


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## Mel (10 Dec 2010)

The_Banker said:


> No offence but I think you are looking for Utopia.


 
No offence taken. 
I'm not looking for Utopia - I think this is maybe compounding some other thoughtless things that have happened lately, and is raising some flags for me.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Mel said:


> How do I find these guys.


 
Oh thats not hard - Ive found plenty of them over the years too 

I didnt think the watch sounded bunny boilery - it all depends on the relationship. 

But I do think your best resolve is to tell him youre disappointed by his attitude. If he cant understand that then you probably dont want to stay with him.

If the little gestures and demonstrations are missing only 5 months in - what will it be like in 20 years time? I mean, this is the time he should be woo-ing you if he likes you!!


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## Mel (10 Dec 2010)

truthseeker said:


> If the little gestures and demonstrations are missing only 5 months in - what will it be like in 20 years time? I mean, this is the time he should be woo-ing you if he likes you!!


 
Yes, big alarm bells right now. Just unfortunate that he's away and hard to have these conversations over the phone, so it's on ice now for another week or so. Will report back - thanks everyone, don't think I've had this response to many posts I've made.


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## Staples (10 Dec 2010)

I'd suggest getting a more toned down and less expensive present. Watches are very personal. He might feel obliged to wear it. If he didn't would you wonder why? Equally, if you start buying him clothes after five months, he'll think you want to dress him. 

A safe bet might be some sort of gadget (e.g. an internet radio, digital photo frame,) that woudn't cost the earth but which anyone could find a use for.

That said, I think it was a bit insensitive of him to ask you "if you'd like a present". I know you were probably caught off guard but the only good answer to that is "only from those who like to give them". Without suggesting you're expecting a present, you should let him know how you feel about giving/receiving. If, after that. he turns up empty handed on Christmas Day, you'll know you've bagged an iceman who won't take a hint.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Staples said:


> Equally, if you start buying him clothes after five months, he'll think you want to dress him.


 
Which could be a good thing if he is used to his mammy dressing him over the years lol.



Staples said:


> I think it was a bit insensitive of him to ask you "if you'd like a present". I know you were probably caught off guard but the only good answer to that is "only from those who like to give them".


 
+1 - another good answer to that is 'of course Id like a gift you insensitive fool - why the hell would I ask you what youd LIKE as a gift if I didnt think you were giving me one?'


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## Boyd (10 Dec 2010)

I'd suggest you talk to him about the gifts, Christmas and the underlying problems in your relationship (since there clearly are some) and stop wasting time on the AAM asking people who know nothing about you, your BF or your relationship with him. As someone who has recently gone through a breakup after 8 years, the worst thing you can do is have doubts/nagging feelings and not talk to the other person about them. They will only fester and build up inside you and explode eventually. The Christmas thing is only a smokescreen to deflect from your real doubts.


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## Mel (10 Dec 2010)

username123 said:


> I'd suggest you talk to him about the gifts, Christmas and the underlying problems in your relationship (since there clearly are some) and stop wasting time on the AAM asking people who know nothing about you, your BF or your relationship with him. As someone who has recently gone through a breakup after 8 years, the worst thing you can do is have doubts/nagging feelings and not talk to the other person about them. They will only fester and build up inside you and explode eventually. The Christmas thing is only a smokescreen to deflect from your real doubts.


 
Thanks for your input. 
Not discussing this particular issue, and others has only been down to timing (travel), and you'll see above that is indeed my intention to talk about it all.


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## Vanilla (10 Dec 2010)

I wouldnt care if I never got a present from my husband for Christmas, birthday etc And I frequently don't. And vice versa. I usually give a subtle warning if I am going to buy him a present- like last year I bought him a techy gadget that I knew he'd love so I warned him in advance. So he bought me something too. But this year I told him there's nothing I want and there's nothing he wants either, so we won't bother. Instead we'll go out to a nice restaurant for dinner over Christmas. We've always done similar. 

Love isn't about getting or giving presents, for me, it's the bigger picture that's important.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Vanilla said:


> I wouldnt care if I never got a present from my husband for Christmas, birthday etc And I frequently don't. And vice versa. I usually give a subtle warning if I am going to buy him a present- like last year I bought him a techy gadget that I knew he'd love so I warned him in advance. So he bought me something too. But this year I told him there's nothing I want and there's nothing he wants either, so we won't bother. Instead we'll go out to a nice restaurant for dinner over Christmas. We've always done similar.
> 
> Love isn't about getting or giving presents, for me, it's the bigger picture that's important.


 
I agree with this - but it only works if both people feel the same way about it. If one is feeling disappointed then thats no use.

So long as both people are on the same page then gifts or no gifts doesnt matter.


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## Vanilla (10 Dec 2010)

People can fall into the expectation= disappointment trap only if they are not blunt and vocal about the expectation.

If I want a present, I tell him. And frequently tell him what, too. No disappointment. Happiness all round.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Vanilla said:


> If I want a present, I tell him. And frequently tell him what, too. No disappointment. Happiness all round.


 
Yes - I tend to work things that way too - although he has surprised me with some brilliant (non expensive but very creative) presents in the past.

We tend to hint drop at each other but in a jokey way. 

But its more fundamental if its early in a relationship and you wanted to spoil him for xmas (and hoped he would spoil you), only to find that he has no interest in it.


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## Vanilla (10 Dec 2010)

I don't believe it is fundamental to a relationship. I think we build up expectations of what a relationship should be like from books/films or what other people tell you but realistically is it really that crucial whether he's the kind of bloke who will give you a romantic present or not?

Fair enough if it means that much to Mel but my priorities obviously lie elsewhere! I say give him a chance.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Vanilla said:


> I don't believe it is fundamental to a relationship.


 
I do. 

If you dont want the same things from the relationship then disaster - imho.


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## Vanilla (10 Dec 2010)

We'll have to agree to disagree on that, truthseeker.

I'm all about the relationship, not the gestures. Hey, a few gestures wouldn't go amiss, but I'm happier with the fact that he makes me a real coffee every morning because I love it, that he cooks dinner all the time, stuff like that-the little things.


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Vanilla said:


> We'll have to agree to disagree on that, truthseeker.


 
Im not disagreeing with you Vanilla - I totally agree the relationship is the thing, not the gestures. Mind you - the real coffee every morning is a good gesture!

All Im saying is that for that to work - both people have to feel the same way.


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## Staples (10 Dec 2010)

Vanilla said:


> I love it, that he cooks dinner all the time, stuff like that-the little things.


 
Dinner all the time is a little thing??   He could win awards!


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## Caveat (10 Dec 2010)

He shouldn't hold his breath though - no medals or prizes forthcoming for me


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## huskerdu (10 Dec 2010)

To the OP:

You have to accept who he is and make a decision if this affects the relationship.
Tell him that you love presents and are very disssppointed that he is different and have an open honest discussion about it.

You have very different views about a minor issue, which is just about to be a major issue.  If neither of you are willing to compromise, then ask yourself what you want to do.  And, BTW, you need to compromise too. If he is willing to buy you a present, because it makes you happy, be happy and have low expectations of the present - its the thought that counts. 

Whatever the outcome of the discussion, decide if this is a relationship that you want, or are you going to crying into your wine glass twice a year for the next 10 years because he "doesn't care enough to get me a gift".

In the absense of this discussion, you buying him a 300 quid watch and him buying you nothing is a recipe for disaster.


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## Complainer (10 Dec 2010)

Staples said:


> A safe bet might be some sort of gadget (e.g. an internet radio, digital photo frame,) that woudn't cost the earth but which anyone could find a use for.


SHould she supply the photos for display on the frame too?

OP - I'd suggest that you buy him whatever you were going to buy him anyway. Tell him beforehand that this is what you are going to do. Let him decide for himself.

You then have to decide if the relationship has a future - it is down to how important presents are to you.


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## Niall M (10 Dec 2010)

I think you should dump him....


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## Ciaraella (10 Dec 2010)

Just wanted to say personally presents aren't that big a deal but i think i'd be very disappointed if i knew i'd never get a surprise bunch of flowers 
If flowers would count as a present in his mind then i wouldn't be happy!


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## Staples (10 Dec 2010)

Complainer said:


> SHould she supply the photos for display on the frame too?


 
No, not unless she's organised some high-resolution digital copies from a professional photographer as suggested here.

http://www.askaboutmoney.com/showthread.php?t=64301&page=3



Complainer said:


> OP - I'd suggest that you buy him whatever you were going to buy him anyway. Tell him beforehand that this is what you are going to do. Let him decide for himself.


 
She's looking for romance. You'll be suggesting she gets three quotes next.


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## Complainer (10 Dec 2010)

staples said:


> you'll be suggesting she gets three quotes next.


rofl


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2010)

Ciaraella said:


> Just wanted to say personally presents aren't that big a deal but i think i'd be very disappointed if i knew i'd never get a surprise bunch of flowers
> If flowers would count as a present in his mind then i wouldn't be happy!


 

My current husband has never given me flowers - he's just not a flowers guy. I dont mind because he does other nice things.

I used to have a boyfriend who sent me flowers quite regularly. Although they were usually a sign he was apologising for something so perhaps they werent a good thing! That guy sure knew how to say sorry, flowers, jewellery and chocolates - it put me in the mind of engineering arguments!!


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## Vanilla (10 Dec 2010)

truthseeker said:


> My *current* husband


 
LOL, keep him on his toes.


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