# Wedding Costs



## MikeP (17 Oct 2007)

Following on from other topics, on this site- How much have people paid or would pay for their wedding. We got married in July and spent Euro44,000 on wedding including honeymoon. 
Approx 170 people. This was financed from 20k SSIA, Savings of 10K and short-term loan of 14k. We paid off this loan with Cash gifts received.
Madness for one day I know but we can look back on the day with fond memories and we aren't crippled financially.
How much did you or are you paying for your wedding ?


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## Nige (17 Oct 2007)

Just under 8k (not including honeymoon). 120 people. Free bar. In Ireland.


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## TheBlock (17 Oct 2007)

Married in September in Mauritus. Paid 10k for the 14 day trip and had a meal for Family and Close friends 50 people in a restraunt we hired when we returned 6.5k (inclu drink). Other costs such as dress rings etc about 3.5k.

Was excactly as we wanted it not at all stressful and the wedding day was a doddle. We both really enjoyed the "Special" feeling that came from the fact it was only being the two of us and our son at the ceremony.

.


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## snuffle (17 Oct 2007)

Not sure of exact costs but it was in the region of about 6k, honeymoon included, paid off beforehand through savings rather than getting loan out. Small wedding, non-church (registry office as both of us are non-religious) circa 60 people to reception. Could not bear to spend a fortune on one day, as we were of the mind that if we could get away with it, we'd just have done a ceremony with only the two of us plus 2 witnesses then away with us on honeymoon (guilt prevailed and we decided to have a small celebration for family and friends so as not to exclude anyone who wanted to be there with us!). 
Quite a few friends have gotten married in recent years and most of them are still paying off loans etc and saying they should have done things a bit smaller-scale, but bottom line is they enjoyed the day and have fond memories of it.
 I don't understand people remortgaging for a wedding though, especially in the early stages of the loan - 30 odd years paying for one day? Ouch!


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## annR (17 Oct 2007)

15k for whole thing including honeymoon.  150 guests.  Got very good deals from local suppliers including hotel.


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## Protocol (17 Oct 2007)

20k.

Easter 2008, Ireland, 70-80 people.

That includes wedding rings, honeymoon.


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## foxylady (18 Oct 2007)

Nige said:


> Just under 8k (not including honeymoon). 120 people. Free bar. In Ireland.


 
Whereabouts in Ireland did u get married and can u give a rough break down of that??


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## Nige (18 Oct 2007)

foxylady said:


> Whereabouts in Ireland did u get married and can u give a rough break down of that??


 
Hired a venue (rather than a hotel) 2k
caterers/food  1.4k
wine/beer/bar equipment hire 2.4k
wedding clothes/bus hire/misc other 1k
Music                               0.8k  
Invitations/thank you cards  0.3k               

My parents paid for the photographer (1.2k, and my parents in law provided the beef for barbecue and that would have cost near another grand).

We didn't marry in a church and didn't have bridesmaids/groomsmen.


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## Trish2006 (18 Oct 2007)

4 years ago, under €10k including honeymoon and everything else.  Saved beforehand so no loan.  About 80 people.  Weren't interested in anything flash.


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## Delber (18 Oct 2007)

2003 - 19K  285 people the whole big bash & 2 week Honeymoon to Italy All covered through gifts and some left over   - Great Day


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## Bob_tg (18 Oct 2007)

We spent around €33k all-in (not incl. engagement ring) for 100 people in the US earlier this year.  Financed from savings.

We don't see it as 'one day', but really between the build-up and memories for both ourselves and all the guests, it can't be measured in time.


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## Danmo (18 Oct 2007)

2003 - 20K-25K incl 2 diamond/plat engagement and wedding ring and platinum wedding band for him/sit down meal for 150/2 week honeymoon (and some modernising of homestead)


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## tml (18 Oct 2007)

Im not getting married myself but my sister is next year so all Im hearing about is wedding costs!! Total cost will be circa €45k, big traditional wedding 200 guests (both sides have lots of aunties and uncles!!) heres an idea of where all the money goes

Reception  € 20,000 
Engagement Ring € 6000 (actually worth € 12k but family friend is a jeweller so saved a bit there)
Band and DJ € 2500
Photographer € 2500
Dress € 1350
Bridesmaid dresses  - circa € 1000 for 3
Groom, best man suits etc – circa € 1000
Chocolate fountain - € 600
Surprise entertainment € 1000
Car - € 700
Flowers - € 1500
Honeymoon - € 7000 (approx, not booked yet)

They will probably get between € 15k - € 20k from their parents and have spent about € 10k already on engagement ring and deposits which was from savings. The other € 20k will be financed from a combination of savings and credit union loan which will be repaid from any cash gifts received.


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## portboy (19 Oct 2007)

€45 k seems a bit excessive but one mans jam...why does it matter anyway ? Do you really think your wedding day, which will be one of the most memorable days of you life (along with birth of kids/death of parents) is one where you should be skimping. I'm sorry, but you cant do a 'proper' wedding on €8k. Like most things a good wedding costs money and yes a good wedding is made by friends and family being there but they will be much happier in a nice venue eating good food and sipping nice wine than in a back-street pub eating cocktail sausages


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## snuffle (20 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> I'm sorry, but you cant do a 'proper' wedding on €8k. Like most things a good wedding costs money and yes a good wedding is made by friends and family being there but they will be much happier in a nice venue eating good food and sipping nice wine than in a back-street pub eating cocktail sausages



Beg to differ - our wedding which cost us around 6k was in a nice venue (one of the best hotels in the city, function room with private bar for guests of the wedding) and people _were_ sipping nice wine and eating nice food, paid for by us out of the 6k, little more than 2 years ago. Where we ended up saving were things like flowers, which a florist relative provided for us, wedding cake, baked by relative, photography provided by photographer relative, etc. as gifts for our day.

Civil ceremony (which many people have due to religious beliefs) means you don't "need" bridesmaids etc, so we had one flowergirl and a best man, so no BM dresses/tan/hairdo/shoes etc to be paid for. Also I didn't want the meringue white frock either so that meant not having to fork out 2k+ on a dress, rather in the region of a few hundred for the one I wanted. Wedding day does not have to equate to "traditional white wedding in a church" as neither I nor my husband wanted any part of that type of wedding, just not our style.

A smaller budget does not equate to having to eat cheese'n'onion crisps in the backroom of a pub


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## SarahMc (20 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> €45 k seems a bit excessive but one mans jam...why does it matter anyway ? Do you really think your wedding day, which will be one of the most memorable days of you life (along with birth of kids/death of parents) is one where you should be skimping. I'm sorry, but you cant do a 'proper' wedding on €8k. Like most things a good wedding costs money and yes a good wedding is made by friends and family being there but they will be much happier in a nice venue eating good food and sipping nice wine than in a back-street pub eating cocktail sausages


 
I think I would choke on food at a wedding if I thought the couple had to borrow or scrimp for it, I'd much prefer cocktail sausages!

I've been to great, not just good weddings in a bar, gaa club, and even a picnic on the top of a mountain!

Traditional weddings are so boring, particularly if you are in the prime age range where you have one every couple of months.  

Something a bit different is much more memorable, and something that will stay not just in the couple's memories but those of their family and friends for years to come.


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## contemporary (20 Oct 2007)

tml said:


> The other € 20k will be financed from a combination of savings and credit union loan which will be repaid from any cash gifts received.



seems to be a common theme these day, I sometimes wonder why people just dont sell tickets to it....


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## Nige (21 Oct 2007)

snuffle said:


> A smaller budget does not equate to having to eat cheese'n'onion crisps in the backroom of a pub



hear, hear.


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## Trish07 (21 Oct 2007)

Im just recently married, we had a "traditional irish wedding" for approx 200 people, it cost us about 6 or 7K after we put the money we received as gifts back into the bank. We had saved all the money needed to pay for the day and now we still have that left to put towards a deposit for a house.


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## truthseeker (22 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> €45 k seems a bit excessive but one mans jam...why does it matter anyway ? Do you really think your wedding day, which will be one of the most memorable days of you life (along with birth of kids/death of parents) is one where you should be skimping. I'm sorry, but you cant do a 'proper' wedding on €8k. Like most things a good wedding costs money and yes a good wedding is made by friends and family being there but they will be much happier in a nice venue eating good food and sipping nice wine than in a back-street pub eating cocktail sausages


 
interesting line of thinking. more money = better wedding???

I would have assumed the feelings of the two people involved and how they wish to celebrate is what makes a 'good' wedding. 
Ive been to dozens of traditional style weddings that cost an arm and a leg and for the most part they seem to be all day drinking sessions with no emphasis on the depth of feelings of the couple involved and the moral importance of such an occasion.


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## portboy (22 Oct 2007)

all other things being equal, depth of feelings, friends and family there 
etc, you will have a better wedding with more money. People who say different are engaging in over the top PC nonsense. SHow me a couple who rather spend €5k on a wedding than €25k and I will show you some who are starting their married life not being truthful!


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## foxylady (22 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> all other things being equal, depth of feelings, friends and family there
> etc, you will have a better wedding with more money. People who say different are engaging in over the top PC nonsense. SHow me a couple who rather spend €5k on a wedding than €25k and I will show you some who are starting their married life not being truthful!


 

What a load of boloney, who in their right mind wants to get themselves into all that debt just for one day. Surely its what happens after the wedding day that is important ie the marriage and noody wants to start off that up to their eyeballs in debt and just because you spend ridicolous money on a wedding does not guarantee that it will be better than someone who has spent half of that.


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## terrysgirl33 (22 Oct 2007)

In my limited experiance, the more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage.


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## Bronte (23 Oct 2007)

Portboy, are you for real?  I'd rather spend 5K then 25 K on a wedding and use the 20K for something more substantial/important.  My wedding cost 2K IEP about 15 years ago.  30 people to a top hotel for a sit down meal, 100 to party/disco afterwards and honeymoon of 3 nights in a cheap Dublin hotel.  It wasn't showy or flashy but we spent what we could afford, we did not borrow or have credit cards (very hard to come by back then) but we did buy a house before we got married.  Actually 45K would buy you a house back then.   I still have my dress, it was made from a pattern and cost 80 IEP.


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## truthseeker (23 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> all other things being equal, depth of feelings, friends and family there
> etc, you will have a better wedding with more money. People who say different are engaging in over the top PC nonsense. SHow me a couple who rather spend €5k on a wedding than €25k and I will show you some who are starting their married life not being truthful!


 
well Portboy - your wish is my command - I am one half of a couple who would MUCH rather spend €5k than €25k on my wedding. So consider yourself shown - as to whether or not Im starting my married life being truthful - the truth of the matter is Id much rather use that other €20k on a house, an investment for both of our futures or a piece of art even - something that we will have, and not just on what amounts to a one day drinking session for a lot of people.

I personally find it bizarre that people think more money = better event. Some of the most memorable events/moments of my life have not cost a penny - its the lens through which an event is viewed that makes it a good memory - not how much money is spent on it.


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## ney001 (23 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> all other things being equal, depth of feelings, friends and family there
> etc, you will have a better wedding with more money. People who say different are engaging in over the top PC nonsense. SHow me a couple who rather spend €5k on a wedding than €25k and I will show you some who are starting their married life not being truthful!



show me a couple who'd spend 25k on a wedding and I will show you a couple who will be depending on the guest's gifts of money to pay for it


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## Lydia (23 Oct 2007)

I have been reading this thread with interest and just had to reply. I am getting married next year and if my budget is correct I will be spending roughly around €30,000. All of this money, and I do mean all is from hard saving!!!!! We are not relying on gifts from guests to cover the cost. Around €10,000 of this will be spent on the honeymoon, €5,000 on rings and the rest on a reception for 200 people, dress, suits etc etc. The wedding will by no means be a flash affair but we decided to go with the big "traditional" wedding as we both have big families (150 out of the 200 guests are family) that we are close to and want them there with us. I will be making the invitations, a friend is doing the church music, flowers from a friend, cake from a friend, we won't be having a car etc etc.
We have been saving mad for the last 9 months and will continue you to do so for the next 11 months. Neither of us have wealthy parents so don't expect them to pay for anything.
Our honeymoon and rings probably are costing over the odds but the honeymoon is a once in a lifetime holiday and the rings will be with us for a lifetime. 
Just because because we are choosing to have the big traditional wedding does not mean we are getting into debt to do so (and we are by no means loaded) and it does not mean we are showy etc.


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## truthseeker (23 Oct 2007)

Im not against people spending a lot of money on their weddings - I just personally wouldnt want to. I would prefer a private small wedding that didnt cost a huge sum. I personally wouldnt enjoy a 'traditional' style wedding for myself.

What I disagree with is the idea that the more money spent the better the wedding. The more money spent the more people can be invited, the more choice available for food, the more lavish the clothes, cars, cake, honeymon, rings etc...etc...... but to me that is NOT what makes a good wedding.


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## casiopea (23 Oct 2007)

Married 2 years ago, 77 guests.  18k euro.  That covers everything - the day itself, cost of flights, honeymoon, brides dress, mother of the bride's outfit, all rings.  We had tried to do it with 15k but unfortunately some costs creeped up/in.  We didnt know people who could give us reductions but we did knock out a lot of stuff (bridesmaids, groomsmen, cake, car, veil, very basic flowers - just a small bunch for me).  All money was saved, everything was paid for before hand.  We didnt expect much in the way of cash gifts and didnt really receive cash gifts (not everybody likes to give a cash gift so its dangerous to depend on it).

All in all a great day, with great, great memories.


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## portboy (24 Oct 2007)

what everyone seems to be saying is they dont want to spend €25/30/35k on a wedding not because they dont want to but because they cant afford to and that is fine. All I have suggested is 1) they would prefer to spend it if they had it 2) the more you can spend the more you are likely to enjoy it because you have been able to afford everything you want


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## Wing&Prayer (24 Oct 2007)

Interesting thread! As someone who got married 7 years ago and made the mistake - some very good advice - Don't skimp on the photographer! He/She is the pivotal link between the great day, and remembering that great day in the years to come!
(PS - That doesn't mean pay a fortune - just don't pay peanuts, because you will get monkeys!)


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## Nige (25 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> what everyone seems to be saying is they dont want to spend €25/30/35k on a wedding not because they dont want to but because they cant afford to and that is fine. All I have suggested is 1) they would prefer to spend it if they had it 2) the more you can spend the more you are likely to enjoy it because you have been able to afford everything you want


 
You obviously haven't bothered to read the replies so.


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## deedee80 (25 Oct 2007)

I am getting married and some of the things I have read here are laughable.  Sure, I'd love my wedding to cost 5k, but would someone mind showing me how this is possible.  I don't want a big flashy wedding but I do want a traditional Irish Wedding with a church ceremoney and a sit down meal for 150 guests followed by entertainment (we have 2 large families and lots of friends).  I will be cutting costs whereever I can and don't plan on having the most expensive of anything, but after doing my sums the wedding will cost in the region of 30k (including honeymoon).  The reception alone (food and drink) will be in the region of 14k.  I have looked at about 20 venues near me (I'm from Dublin) and they are all in this price region.  Then when you include dress suits rings band dj, photographer, invitations, flowers, etc etc...it all ads up.  No point in people saying oh my wedding only cost 10k when it turns out mammy and daddy foot the bill for the rest.  Myself and my fiance will be paying for our big day ourselves and we will be saving every penny of our hard earned money to do so.


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## foxylady (25 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> what everyone seems to be saying is they dont want to spend €25/30/35k on a wedding not because they dont want to but because they cant afford to and that is fine. All I have suggested is 1) they would prefer to spend it if they had it 2) the more you can spend the more you are likely to enjoy it because you have been able to afford everything you want


 
I am getting hitched in 09 and whileI couldnt afford to spend 30k on a wedding I certainly wouldnt want to. I personally thinks its an absolute waste of money and would prefer to have it for something better ie a few hols or pay off mortgage etc etc.


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## truthseeker (25 Oct 2007)

deedee80 said:


> I am getting married and some of the things I have read here are laughable. Sure, I'd love my wedding to cost 5k, but would someone mind showing me how this is possible. I don't want a big flashy wedding but I do want a traditional Irish Wedding with a church ceremoney and a sit down meal for 150 guests followed by entertainment (we have 2 large families and lots of friends). I will be cutting costs whereever I can and don't plan on having the most expensive of anything, but after doing my sums the wedding will cost in the region of 30k (including honeymoon). The reception alone (food and drink) will be in the region of 14k. I have looked at about 20 venues near me (I'm from Dublin) and they are all in this price region. Then when you include dress suits rings band dj, photographer, invitations, flowers, etc etc...it all ads up. No point in people saying oh my wedding only cost 10k when it turns out mammy and daddy foot the bill for the rest. Myself and my fiance will be paying for our big day ourselves and we will be saving every penny of our hard earned money to do so.


 
if you want the traditional irish wedding with white dress, church ceremony, big sit down meal for 150 people then yes - it is going to cost a lot of money!! 

The distinction that is being made here is that some people spend much less for a different type of day because that is what they want to do. Probably for a number of reasons. Personally I would not like the type of wedding you describe - and that has nothing to do with cost.

i dont think anyone is suggesting that you could have the type of wedding you describe for €5k.


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## TheBlock (25 Oct 2007)

deedee80 said:


> I am getting married and some of the things I have read here are laughable. Sure, I'd love my wedding to cost 5k, but would someone mind showing me how this is possible. I don't want a big flashy wedding but I do want a traditional Irish Wedding with a church ceremoney and a sit down meal for 150 guests followed by entertainment (we have 2 large families and lots of friends). I will be cutting costs whereever I can and don't plan on having the most expensive of anything, but after doing my sums the wedding will cost in the region of 30k (including honeymoon). The reception alone (food and drink) will be in the region of 14k. I have looked at about 20 venues near me (I'm from Dublin) and they are all in this price region. Then when you include dress suits rings band dj, photographer, invitations, flowers, etc etc...it all ads up. No point in people saying oh my wedding only cost 10k when it turns out mammy and daddy foot the bill for the rest. Myself and my fiance will be paying for our big day ourselves and we will be saving every penny of our hard earned money to do so.


 
I don't believe that you will get what you want for 5k. I also don't believe anyone above has said it was possible either. However 14k for food and drink works out at roughly €90.00 a head that's a bit steep (Unless you are covering all the drink). From my reseach earlier this year when we were deciding what to do Meal and wine in most hotels in Dublin was roughly €65 per head. That would be a saving of almost 4K and every little helps.

Mammy and Daddy never paid for any of my wedding.


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## deedee80 (25 Oct 2007)

> I don't believe that you will get what you want for 5k. I also don't believe anyone above has said it was possible either. However 14k for food and drink works out at roughly €90.00 a head that's a bit steep (Unless you are covering all the drink). From my reseach earlier this year when we were deciding what to do Meal and wine in most hotels in Dublin was roughly €65 per head. That would be a saving of almost 4K and every little helps.



Yep 90 euro unfortunately. To cover tea and sambos when people get there, the meal plus wine and something small for the evening reception, 2009 prices tho


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## MikeP (26 Oct 2007)

65 euro possibly for just your dinner. Add in wine, a drink on arrival and afters (which cost us €9 per head for cocktail sausages and sandwhiches) and you are looking at close to €90 a head. We never asked people for money or gifts. Some people are very generous, some people gave us nothing at all.


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## Aimee (26 Oct 2007)

Got married 4 years ago, total was €25K, 120 guests, best of everything - from honeymoon in US for 10 days to importing glass holders for candles!!!   We saved for approx 2 years before this and had ample amount put aside to cover the above and had a tidy sum left over as we started out in married life.

Money well spent, wouldnt change a thing!  

Only thing I would say is that I would not have got married if I had to borrow for it!    People dont seem to want to save for anything anymore, they just borrow!


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## portboy (26 Oct 2007)

you see, Aimee is right,  had best of everything and didn't scrimp on anything and had a ball...exactly what I have been saying all the way along. Long live Aimee and her type


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## truthseeker (27 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> you see, Aimee is right,  had best of everything and didn't scrimp on anything and had a ball...exactly what I have been saying all the way along. Long live Aimee and her type



Not everybody would enjoy the type of wedding that Aimee describes. Fair play to her for having a ball and spending the money she had saved for the big day.

What you have been saying all along is more money = better wedding, and while this may apply to you there are other people who would prefer to have a different type of wedding and spend less money.


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## ang1170 (27 Oct 2007)

portboy said:


> I'm sorry, but you cant do a 'proper' wedding on €8k.


 
So, if I just can't afford more then that, you're saying I can't have a 'proper' wedding?


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## pc7 (5 Nov 2007)

we spent the weekend looking at our options, I'd like a small wedding at home, but bf's family is just too big, there is no way it could be small.  If we did the traditional set up here we reckoned 30 grand for 200 people without a honeymoon.  I personally couldn't spend that, we are good savers and probably could get the money together but I couldn't do it for 1 day and have 100 people there I barely know.  So it looks like we are going to try do it in Rome and invite immediate family and close friends so maybe 30/40 people.  While we don't want to push costs onto our guests we feel with rome its accessible for a weekend for people. Also our close friends and family will come if they can.  If we give enough notice they can get cheap flights, we'll cover meal and all drink at the reception. I don't have any costs yet but looks like it'll be a fraction of the Irish set up.  I reckon it'll be under 10 grand all in, honeymoon too. For me not into lots of fuss, want to marry my boy and have the people who matter with us.  Do people think its wrong to ask people come away or is it a case that if people like you enough they will want to be there and enjoy it?


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## Thrifty1 (5 Nov 2007)

pc7 said:


> we spent the weekend looking at our options, I'd like a small wedding at home, but bf's family is just too big, there is no way it could be small. If we did the traditional set up here we reckoned 30 grand for 200 people without a honeymoon. I personally couldn't spend that, we are good savers and probably could get the money together but I couldn't do it for 1 day and have 100 people there I barely know. So it looks like we are going to try do it in Rome and invite immediate family and close friends so maybe 30/40 people. While we don't want to push costs onto our guests we feel with rome its accessible for a weekend for people. Also our close friends and family will come if they can. If we give enough notice they can get cheap flights, we'll cover meal and all drink at the reception. I don't have any costs yet but looks like it'll be a fraction of the Irish set up. I reckon it'll be under 10 grand all in, honeymoon too. For me not into lots of fuss, want to marry my boy and have the people who matter with us. Do people think its wrong to ask people come away or is it a case that if people like you enough they will want to be there and enjoy it?


 
Myself and DH were in this situation too. I have a large family and they would all have to have been invited to the wedding. 200 people @ €60 a head (min) = €12,000 for reception alone.
We got married in Dubrovnik last year. We invited immediate family and close friends. We did discuss it with our families first and they were happy with it. After that we didnt formally invite people we let them know what we were doing and that they were welcome to come but no pressure. In the end we had 26 guests (8 immediate family, rest close family and friends). We looked up affordable accom and flights for people and different packages (7 nights or 2 nights).
Our reception was in a beautiful 5* hotel costing about €150 a head (incl food, wine,champagne reception).= €4,000
A week in that hotel for us and another hotel in Tenerife for another week = €5,000.
Band - €1,000
Photographer - €400
Flowers - €400
Boat trip from church to hotel - €500, cars/coach to church - €400
Church- €300
Paperwork - €300
Rings - €1,000
Add on another approx €4,000 for dress,bridesmaids,suits, etc.
Probably in total about €17,000. We had a ball, i cant recommend it enough, its was a small but intimate wedding, exactly what we wanted, it was relaxed and stressfree. The hotel provide the services of a wedding planner in the cost, she was a Godsend especially as it was abroad.

We did get cash gifts even thought we had specifically requested no gifts, but it was all paid for from our savings and the cash gifts went towards the deposit on our new home.


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## pc7 (5 Nov 2007)

Hi thrifty1 glad to hear it all went off so well, as you say nice and intimate which is what its about for me. And 15-20 grand would be affordable to us from savings. The main worry or reservation I had is putting the expense onto our guests, like you we will request no gifts as we don't expect any especially if they can make the trip.  Think I will do what you did and say not invite people but let them know what we are doing. Thanks again.


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## annR (5 Nov 2007)

Dublin hotels seem to be very expensive for guests.  I know that we made our savings mostly because our local hotel was so reasonable.


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## Megan (5 Nov 2007)

pc7 said:


> we spent the weekend looking at our options, I'd like a small wedding at home, but bf's family is just too big, there is no way it could be small.  If we did the traditional set up here we reckoned 30 grand for 200 people without a honeymoon.  I personally couldn't spend that, we are good savers and probably could get the money together but I couldn't do it for 1 day and have 100 people there I barely know.  So it looks like we are going to try do it in Rome and invite immediate family and close friends so maybe 30/40 people.  While we don't want to push costs onto our guests we feel with rome its accessible for a weekend for people. Also our close friends and family will come if they can.  If we give enough notice they can get cheap flights, we'll cover meal and all drink at the reception. I don't have any costs yet but looks like it'll be a fraction of the Irish set up.  I reckon it'll be under 10 grand all in, honeymoon too. For me not into lots of fuss, want to marry my boy and have the people who matter with us.  Do people think its wrong to ask people come away or is it a case that if people like you enough they will want to be there and enjoy it?


Why could you not have your wedding here with your immediate family & friends (30/40 people).
 I think alot of people would prefer not to be invited to a wedding (unless it is a family one) as it works out so expensive.


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## pc7 (5 Nov 2007)

I was able to be sparing and cutting with my list, boyfriend just wasnt able. He just feels there is no such thing as a small wedding here, once you book it you get the "you have to ask such and such". All his cousins weddings have had upwards of 200 at them. I just don't want that so going away seems the best option for us.


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## Thrifty1 (5 Nov 2007)

pc7 said:


> I was able to be sparing and cutting with my list, boyfriend just wasnt able. He just feels there is no such thing as a small wedding here, once you book it you get the "you have to ask such and such". All his cousins weddings have had upwards of 200 at them. I just don't want that so going away seems the best option for us.


 
I understand where you are coming from. While my husband could have cut his list to about 15 people i would have been the one expected to invite everyone. When my sister got married she had 250, and had to deal with the "if you invite Mr X then you HAVE to invite Mr Y". Plus we see our relations on a regular basis and they would have been looking for the invitations.
I found that no matter what decision you make there will always be someone not pleased so my advice is do whats makes you happy, "clear" it with your immediate family they are the ones who "have" to go and after that let people make up their own minds whether they want to go or not. Like i said we didnt send out invitations as we didnt want people to feel pressured, in fact thoses that did go approached us and asked for the details. Hope it works out.


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## pc7 (6 Nov 2007)

thanks thrifty1 I'll keep you posted!


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## Protocol (7 Nov 2007)

Myself and the fiancee have a simple rule: if we haven't spoken to the person in the past year, we don't invite them.

That ruled out all my paternal cousins.

But included all my maternal cousins (I know them more).

Personally, I don't like weddings, *so I assume that people will be happy not to be invited.*


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## Marie (8 Nov 2007)

That's an excellent point Protocol!  Some people groan when they get yet another wedding invitation and have to struggle to find an excuse for not attending.  

To return to the costs of a wedding - the prices per head quoted on some of those posts for weddings in Ireland are extortionate.  It seems as if, instead of giving a "group discount" because it's a big event the hotels 'up' the prices.  I wouldn't have that at all.  Negotiate.  Perhaps it's time for a 'rip-off Ireland' section on overpricing of different aspects of weddings - florists etc?  I can't understand the continuing need for 'official photographers' in this day and age where digital cameras and super-8's are so cheap and so many people know how to use them effectively and artistically and the album can subsequently be 'distributed' to guests by e-mail or pod as a souviner.

Reflecting on the weddings I've been to in the past few years (and I don't - by any means - accept every invitation!) the most memorable and interesting were honestly fitted to the individuality of the couple.  One was a niece who lives in England and was marrying an Englishman with whom she had lived for the previous 9 years and had two children (6 and 3 years old at the time).  She held it in a hotel local to her home, the Irish contingent got themselves budget flights and a group discount was arranged with the hotel in which the civil ceremony and reception were held for anyone who wished to take accommodation there.  The food was exquisite, the detail sublime (they had thought about it a lot); guests were told not to give presents - home already established and the honeymoon was a treat to themselves of staying on in the hotel for a few days - no cleaning, cooking etc.

Another 'goodie' was a couple of friends who wanted to marry but were not high earners.  They had the civil ceremony in a registry office, lunch with immediate families of the couple, then a gathering of friends and relatives on Hampstead Heath (it was Midsummers Night) each guest bringing a platter and/or drinks.    Great food, great vibe and very different.

The awful, awful weddings I've attended have been stuffy (usually expensive, but 'standard') events where guests in expensive wedding-outfits clock-watch themselves through the reception until the heavy drinking bit.  Yuk Yuk Yuk


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## Silvergirl (8 Nov 2007)

We got married in Lanzarote in August 2005 - cost in the region of 6 k - 40 family/close friends attended, it wasn't solely the money that drove us away it was the logistical nightmare and stress of getting married here.

Had booked a hotel here but ended up cancelling as people kept throwing their 2 cents in about who to invite, when to have it etc

We booked a wedding planner who did all that and we just filled out some forms with our preferences for wedding car, flowers, cake, music etc and picked our (fabulous) menus -all via email.

Everyone still talks about the great one / two weeks holiday we had, it wasn't just one day (it's fantastic but really does fly by) - there were great nights and days shared too. Even the 4 hour delay on the flight out turned out to be great as everyone just went the bar and got to know each other!

We choose that destination for accessibility, day time flights, guaranteed weather, Irish wedding planner, general easy life.

Had a party here when we got back for 120 - carvery style meal Eur 13 / head with wine (byob (nice wine) with no corkage fee in local small hotel)
Wine was a present from my brother. Local band & DJ Eur 750

Our parents invited everyone they liked so that kept them happy too.


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## Mr Toad (11 Nov 2007)

Married 2002. Had preferred small civil affair, possibly abroad. Fiancee and now wife decided it had to be very trad affair, church, white dress etc.

Since my wife wanted traditional I suggested we be super-traditional and ask her father to pay all the costs. I learnt that tradition has its limits.

End result was circa £25,000, paid for from my savings  

But a second most memorable day of my life (birth of son no 1). You only live once so why not have a splash. Having said that I would never have contemplated borrowing.


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## johni (11 Nov 2007)

got married in august . cost 31k including great honeymoon. recieved 23k in gift money. excellent


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## sinjon (22 Nov 2007)

plan to marry in 2009 in Cork
120 guests approx 
hope to cover everything (incl honeymoon) with 16k easily.
hope to save on following:
cake by relative
no video only photographer
homemade invites
dresses from debenhams etc
avg 2 week holiday (wont mention "honeymoon" to travel agent)
rings from family friend jeweller

intend to get good entertainment as this had a better impression on me at previous weddings than chocolate fountains, fancy fingerfood etc


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## portside (10 Feb 2008)

Civil ceremony (which many people have due to religious beliefs) means you don't "need" bridesmaids etc, so we had one flowergirl and a best man, so no BM dresses/tan/hairdo/shoes etc to be paid for.  [/quote]


Can anyone explain the etiquette of what the bride is expected to pay for the bridesmaids (3) and mum of bride?  All 4 want hair up-styles and make up done on day, and want hair and makeup trials beforehand.  There will also be tanning, manicures, pedicures; also dresses, shoes, accessories.  What does the bride normally cover for bridesmaids and mum of bride, and what should they pay themselves?  Don't want to appear mean, but paying for wedding ourselves.


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## decembersal (10 Feb 2008)

As far as I can tell you pay for everything - dress, shoes, make up, hair tan etc- exept underwear! I definitely wouldn't be forking out for hair or make up trials though - only for you!!! At the end of the day you should pay for what you can afford - don't be guilted or bullied into it.


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## brodiebabe (10 Feb 2008)

portside said:


> Civil ceremony (which many people have due to religious beliefs) means you don't "need" bridesmaids etc, so we had one flowergirl and a best man, so no BM dresses/tan/hairdo/shoes etc to be paid for.


 

Can anyone explain the etiquette of what the bride is expected to pay for the bridesmaids (3) and mum of bride? All 4 want hair up-styles and make up done on day, and want hair and makeup trials beforehand. There will also be tanning, manicures, pedicures; also dresses, shoes, accessories. What does the bride normally cover for bridesmaids and mum of bride, and what should they pay themselves? Don't want to appear mean, but paying for wedding ourselves.[/quote]

You pay for what you want them to do.  If you ask them to get up do's done in a style you request - you pay for it.

If you expect them to get a spray tan - you pay for it.

If you want them to wear the same make up, in the same style done by a make up artist of your choosing - you pay for it.

If you want them to all have matching manicures - you pay for that.

If you want them to wear matching shoes - you pay for them.

If you are fine with them wearing their hair any way they wish (even just a blow dry that they do themselves) you let them organise theirselves.  Same for nails, if you don't mind if some of them choose to do their own nails in whatever colour they want, they sort theirselves out.  If you are fine with them wearing their own shoes that don't match each other, you do not have to buy them shoes.


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## pc7 (10 Feb 2008)

I was 1 of 5 bridesmaids for a friend, we all got our own tans, hair and nails done.  She paid for our makeup, I don't think they'll expect you to pay for everything.


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## Carolina (14 Feb 2008)

It's a bit much to have a wedding and expect the guests to pay for any of it with cash gifts or airline tickets or drinks at the bar.

A lot of the 'must-haves' for a wedding are just rubbish. Borrow a nice car. Get a friend to take the photos. Spend the money on good food and drink in abundance. Get a friend to DJ. 

Is it not hypocritical to get married in a church when you're not religious?

8K is plenty.


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## Tarquin (13 Mar 2008)

I got


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## Ballyman (21 Mar 2008)

I think the traditional Irish wedding day is the biggest load of tat known to man. How tacky can it be? Everyone knows exactly what will be happening at what time. At 9.23pm the bride will be throwing the bouquet etc. I'd rather gouge out my two eyes rather than go through that.

Why can't people have a nice meal with close family and friends instead of 100's of nobodies is beyond me!

Look mummy, I'm a princess!!


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## DavyJones (21 Mar 2008)

Ballyman said:


> I think the traditional Irish wedding day is the biggest load of tat known to man. How tacky can it be? Everyone knows exactly what will be happening at what time. At 9.23pm the bride will be throwing the bouquet etc. I'd rather gouge out my two eyes rather than go through that.
> 
> Why can't people have a nice meal with close family and friends instead of 100's of nobodies is beyond me!
> 
> Look mummy, I'm a princess!!


 
Theres no need to be bitter ,No wedding I've ever been at, has been on schedule. and what if  the couple have 150 family and friends between them?  I must admit I love a big Irish wedding, much better craic to any others i've been at.


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## joejoe (22 Mar 2008)

terrysgirl33 said:


> In my limited experiance, the more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage.


 
hear hear, my wife and I spent 2k got married abroad two years ago. We had two strangers as withnesses, nice people they where getting married the same day, we all had a great time. Some family members kicked up a stink, but we have a healthly happy family and a long loving marrage ahead of us, with a much lesser debt concern. We at the time could not afford the traditional wedding that was almost demanded of us, there wasnt to many lining up to pay for it. We have a child with another on the way and its much better to be able to provide for them, than worry un duely about the big loan you got for one day. 

Getting married is about every day after your wedding day, and not so much the first.

Joejoe


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## Ballyman (22 Mar 2008)

joejoe said:


> hear hear, my wife and I spent 2k got married abroad two years ago. We had two strangers as withnesses, nice people they where getting married the same day, we all had a great time. Some family members kicked up a stink, but we have a healthly happy family and a long loving marrage ahead of us, with a much lesser debt concern. We at the time could not afford the traditional wedding that was almost demanded of us, there wasnt to many lining up to pay for it. We have a child with another on the way and its much better to be able to provide for them, than worry un duely about the big loan you got for one day.
> 
> Getting married is about every day after your wedding day, and not so much the first.
> 
> Joejoe



Well said.


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## ladyc (26 Mar 2008)

hey, 

I have read all the post regarding the cost of a wedding and to be honest i am a little confused as to why people are getting agro over what other people are spending on there wedding etc... I donk think it is very fair to "slag" people off just because they are sending 30 k on a wedding... It is their choice and their day.... I am getting married at the end of this year and although we have tried to have a affordable day, its just not totally possible i feel in ireland.

We are having a small wedding of 70 people, we could have gone for a larger one but we didnt see any venues that we really loved, so when we picked the venue, we had no choice as it only holds 70 people. The venue specialises on beautiful food and its a vey classy venue. The meal is costing about €90 per head, plus wine, toasts, sandwichs, tea etc... In total the wedding day is costing approx €27K plus our honeymoon... Truthfully we have gone a little mad on the honeymoon wont even tell you the cost but we love to travel and feel its worth it, as its our honeymoon... 

We are paying for the pay ourselves... we have been saving for a year and half... we will not be depending on guests gifts, as everything will be paid for with savings before the wedding... Plus with 70 including ourselves we wont be getting alot (plus we are asking for donations for a charity we have picked instead of gifts)

Yes i have friends going abroad to get married, saving a bomb, but we are not in a position to do the same as one of our parents is sick.

All i would say it, it doesnt matter what you spend, some people spend a fortune on cars (which i think is crazy) etc but it is up to the couple to decide what they wany on their day, whether it be 50k or 5 K etc...

anyone getting married, i wish you all the best on your wedding day!!


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## MrMan (26 Mar 2008)

Most people like to be extravgent at some time or another whether it is buying a larger home, latest gadgets, badge cars etc and a wedding is no different. A big wedding is a tradition and shouldn't be scoffed at by those with little interest in it, it really is a case of each to their own. Ballyman, you do sound bitter regarding your contempt for people spending money on one day and in particular the bride, but its not that mad really and I don't think anyone is going to sacrifice their kids education for the price of their wedding.


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## ladyc (26 Mar 2008)

well said MrMan....

No one should be jealous over what someone is prepared to spend on their wedding day, or on anything else for that matter... 

I think if its what you want then go for it....


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## flattea2 (26 Mar 2008)

Spent 35k and had the best day of my life. Do not regret a penny. Both (relatively!) young and childless, our money to spend - and so we spent it.

It depends on your outlook I suppose, each to their own. But I don't see the need for the spitefulness apparent on the thread.


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## Ballyman (26 Mar 2008)

It's not bitterness or jealousy on my part. 

I can well afford to pay €30K on a day out but I have no intention of it so some deranged lady can think she looks like a princess and needs to be the centre of attention!

My only gripe is that I didn't get into this "wedding industry" years ago and do my bit to milk it from people with more money than sense. :>


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## truthseeker (26 Mar 2008)

Ballyman said:


> I can well afford to pay €30K on a day out but I have no intention of it so some deranged lady can think she looks like a princess and needs to be the centre of attention!


 
So because you dont like the idea of an expensive wedding you assume that people who do are deranged?

How do you justify that?

People are perfectly entitled to spend whatever amount of their own money on whatever they want. Some people spend huge sums of money on tv/hi fi systems/cars/clothes/holidays/art/furniture etc....
Each to their own.


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## deedee80 (26 Mar 2008)

You do sound a bit bitter Ballyman.  I think calling a bride who wants a traditional Irish wedding deranged is a tad strong.  I assure you I am definitely not deranged, nor have I become a bridezilla (yet) but I am looking forward to what will be the biggest day in my life, because lets not forget that marrying someone and making a commitment to them for the rest of your life is a pretty big deal.  Why not celebrate it with family and friends and have a party and feel like a princess for the day with the people you care about if thats what you want.  I really don't see what the problem is and where your very strong feelings are stemming from.  If people are willing to save their hard earned money (as I will be) and spend 30k on an occassion that means so much to them then what harm.  Ok the party might only last one day, but hopefully the happy memories will last a life time. Also, if a couple wishes to head off on their own to tie the knot as this is what makes them happy then they should go for it!


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## msmyth (26 Mar 2008)

It's when you see discussion of "what's the going rate for weddings" and how people are expected to give at least €200 cash per couple or whatever to cover the costs of the wedding that the cynicism kicks in and I err on the side of Ballyman's opinion. I've been to so many weddings over the past few years and most are inter-changeable from the next, different hotel, same format, same type of food. Each to their own and all, and people are entitled to spend what they like on their wedding but when I hear this talk of "cash only" and "going rates" my blood boils!


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## truthseeker (26 Mar 2008)

msmyth said:


> It's when you see discussion of "what's the going rate for weddings" and how people are expected to give at least €200 cash per couple or whatever to cover the costs of the wedding that the cynicism kicks in and I err on the side of Ballyman's opinion. I've been to so many weddings over the past few years and most are inter-changeable from the next, different hotel, same format, same type of food. Each to their own and all, and people are entitled to spend what they like on their wedding but when I hear this talk of "cash only" and "going rates" my blood boils!


 

Are the 'going rate' threads not applicable to many events though - like the going rate to give for a communion or confirmation, or how much to spend on a present for someones first home? I always viewed those threads as more of people putting feelers out and getting an idea of whats a generally acceptable amount for a gift for ANY occasion.


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

msmyth said:


> It's when you see discussion of "what's the going rate for weddings" and how people are expected to give at least €200 cash per couple or whatever to cover the costs of the wedding that the cynicism kicks in and I err on the side of Ballyman's opinion. I've been to so many weddings over the past few years and most are inter-changeable from the next, different hotel, same format, same type of food. Each to their own and all, and people are entitled to spend what they like on their wedding but when I hear this talk of "cash only" and "going rates" my blood boils!



I agree - if people want to spend a ton of money on their wedding it's their business - but my blood boils like msmyth when an invite includes a wedding list or the words 'cash only please'. Why not go one further and sell tickets to your wedding? I'd never throw a party and expect presents; I think people who weigh up the cost per head against the 'going rate' of cash presents are tacky. 

Few people will turn up empty handed to a wedding, but if people want to get you a present they can ask for your wedding list, I think including one in the invite smacks of begging.


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## annR (26 Mar 2008)

Yeah it is tacky but that's the reality I'm afraid - if people are planning and budgeting for the big day, of course they are going to factor in the fact that they will have all the cash afterwards. There are big sums of money involved, people can't just ignore it. It does mean that they can maybe afford a wedding that they mightn't have been able to afford otherwise. 

The fact is as well that the guests will often want to know what the couple want! You will have people ringing up the Mum in law and asking her is a cash gift appropriate or not, where's the wedding list etc etc. It's not all from the couple's side, indeed they probably think they're being helpful to guests by including a note with the invitations to avoid them having to wonder what to get as a present.

Having said that I still think it's tacky but can see how a couple would feel it was a sensible thing to do to save hassle.


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## Sunny (26 Mar 2008)

Wedding lists are not tacky. I hate it when people don't include a wedding list. I would rather they did that then have me spend money on something they don't want or need. And most wedding lists I have seen have included items all along the price spectrum so its not as if they are just asking for the best of everything. 

And so what if people want cash? Remember most young people nowadays have been living in their own property and have their houses done up long before they get married so they probably don't need a another coffee table or crystal vase.

If people are so offended by wedding lists and requests for cash, don't go to the wedding. I am sure the couples in question would prefer that to have people sitting there moaning and passing judgement on them.


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## msmyth (26 Mar 2008)

I actually think wedding lists are great and handy if you're like myself and can't stand shopping! Especially if the place that's doing the list delivers the gift to the couple on your behalf. However it crosses a line asking for cash IMO, like a previous poster said it smacks of selling tickets. To date none of my friends have asked for cash gifts and in honesty I don't think that I would go if they did.


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## truthseeker (26 Mar 2008)

Sunny said:


> Wedding lists are not tacky. I hate it when people don't include a wedding list. I would rather they did that then have me spend money on something they don't want or need. And most wedding lists I have seen have included items all along the price spectrum so its not as if they are just asking for the best of everything.
> 
> And so what if people want cash? Remember most young people nowadays have been living in their own property and have their houses done up long before they get married so they probably don't need a another coffee table or crystal vase.
> 
> If people are so offended by wedding lists and requests for cash, don't go to the wedding. I am sure the couples in question would prefer that to have people sitting there moaning and passing judgement on them.


 
hehehehe - great post Sunny!


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## Sunny (26 Mar 2008)

msmyth said:


> However it crosses a line asking for cash IMO, like a previous poster said it smacks of selling tickets. To date none of my friends have asked for cash gifts and in honesty I don't think that I would go if they did.


 
Why? Whats the difference between cash and a gift? If I felt I didn't need anything and didn't want to be stuck with a load of gifts, I would have no problem asking for cash.


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

annR I take your point but they can always include their phone numbers/email addresses in the invite in case people have any questions. If they don't want to field the calls, they can set up a wedding website/blog where people could find info like wedding list, maps, nearby accommodation, they are quite easy to set up!

Also I think people can and should ignore the fact that they might get money. They certainly shouldn't factor the 'projected amount' into their wedding plans, in case they get much less! And just because everyone is doing it now doesn't mean that it's no longer rude. 

It's not exactly free day for the guests - every wedding I've attended has been on a Friday or a Monday and outside of Dublin, meaning that I had to take at least one day off to attend the wedding, then pay for transport, accommodation and drinks - so asking for money on top of that in the invitation is TACKY. (I don't begrudge paying for things like transport by the way, I'm just pointing out that it costs guests too!)

(And yes, I won't attend a wedding where 'cash only please' is printed on the invite unless it is a very close friend!)


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

Sunny said:


> Why? Whats the difference between cash and a gift? If I felt I didn't need anything and didn't want to be stuck with a load of gifts, I would have no problem asking for cash.



Just to ask - why do people who have weddings expect a gift or cash in the first place? Would you send a wedding list or a cash request in an invite to any other occasion? Surely people invite their friends and family to share their special day, shouldn't their presence be enough?

Now I'm not saying that I'd go to a wedding empty handed, but when I get an invite with a wedding list or a cash request, it's like saying: "You are invited to our wedding, and in exchange you must buy the following...". 

I like wedding lists too, they are handy, but isn't it presumptuous to tell someone what to get you before they ask you what you want, or offer to get you something? If I sent you a gift list with my 30th birthday, or wedding anniversary party, wouldn't you think it was rude? Just because everyone does it with weddings doesn't mean that it's any less off-putting.


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## Sunny (26 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> I like wedding lists too, they are handy, but isn't it presumptuous to tell someone what to get you before they ask you what you want, or offer to get you something? If I sent you a gift list with my 30th birthday, or wedding anniversary party, wouldn't you think it was rude? Just because everyone does it with weddings doesn't mean that it's any less off-putting.


 
I honestly wouldn't think anything. My group of friends don't do birthday gifts for each other but I would have no problem giving my family and girlfriend ideas of what to get me if I knew they were getting me something. You don't have to stick to the list or cash only if you can think of a really nice thoughtful gift that you know the couple will appreciate and you don't get refused entrance to the wedding if you turn up empty handed.


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

Sunny said:


> I honestly wouldn't think anything. My group of friends don't do birthday gifts for each other but I would have no problem giving my family and girlfriend ideas of what to get me if I knew they were getting me something. You don't have to stick to the list or cash only if you can think of a really nice thoughtful gift that you know the couple will appreciate and you don't get refused entrance to the wedding if you turn up empty handed.



If you wouldn't think anything of it that's grand, but I personally would think something of it if I got an invite with a list of presents that they wanted, regardless of the event. And I know I'm not alone. Perhaps something that soon-to-be-wed couples might think about?


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## Sunny (26 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> If you wouldn't think anything of it that's grand, but I personally would think something of it if I got an invite with a list of presents that they wanted, regardless of the event. And I know I'm not alone. Perhaps something that soon-to-be-wed couples might think about?


 
It certainly has. I am going to make my wedding list much more exclusive and expensive and I am going to ask for cash gifts to be handed to me in person so I can count the money in front of the giver. Hopefully that will offend plenty of sensitive people out there and they can stay away or they can come and have a good bit**ing session at the bar with other disgruntled guests.


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## MrMan (26 Mar 2008)

To be honest how many of us have received gifts christmas, bday etc that we really didn't want? I would say everybody has experienced it so lists etc do negate the guessing game that is shopping for someone elses tastes. I would have been of the mind before that they were tacky, but now tbh I think their handy. I would think that most people give cash anyway, and agree asking for cash is tasteless.


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## msmyth (26 Mar 2008)

It's just plain rude to ask people for cash, I should've included a cash specification with the invites for the recent birthday party I threw so that I could recoup the costs of all the food and drink I provided, see how that would've gone down


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

Sunny said:


> It certainly has. I am going to make my wedding list much more exclusive and expensive and I am going to ask for cash gifts to be handed to me in person so I can count the money in front of the giver. Hopefully that will offend plenty of sensitive people out there and they can stay away or they can come and have a good bit**ing session at the bar with other disgruntled guests.



LOL Sunny! I'm sorry I upset you, it was not my intention. I was just giving my opinion on a forum, like you were. I might be sensitive, yes - but I think I made a valid point that other people may not have thought of. Enjoy your wedding when you have it, and don't worry about the disgruntled guests. It's your day after all!


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## truthseeker (26 Mar 2008)

msmyth said:


> It's just plain rude to ask people for cash, I should've included a cash specification with the invites for the recent birthday party I threw so that I could recoup the costs of all the food and drink I provided, see how that would've gone down


 
Different strokes for different folks - I was always delighted to get an invite that included either a wedding list as it saved me the hassle of shopping for a gift that they might not even like.
Ive never seen it as rude - more as helpful than anything.

As far as 'cash gifts' go - I cant say Ive ever experienced it written on an invite but Ive certainly been told through the grapevine that the couple would prefer cash. And was always happy to comply.

Isnt the idea of wedding gifts based around the fact that friends and family would gather and offer gifts that would help the happy couple set up for their new lives together - so household items would have been the norm? So times have changed but the idea of helping the couple out still holds - today people dont need the household items if they have their own home already so why not give cash?


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## Sunny (26 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> LOL Sunny! I'm sorry I upset you, it was not my intention. I was just giving my opinion on a forum, like you were. I might be sensitive, yes - but I think I made a valid point that other people may not have thought of. Enjoy your wedding when you have it, and don't worry about the disgruntled guests. It's your day after all!


 
Don't worry you didn't upset me! My wedding is very small consisting of close family and friends. It would take alot to offend any of them and if they are offended, they would have no problem telling me to my face!! I am told every day by the other half that it's not my day at all. It's all about her her her!! Just another normal day in the Sunny household then!


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

truthseeker said:


> Isnt the idea of wedding gifts based around the fact that friends and family would gather and offer gifts that would help the happy couple set up for their new lives together - so household items would have been the norm? So times have changed but the idea of helping the couple out still holds - today people dont need the household items if they have their own home already so why not give cash?



I agree with the different strokes comment! So true. And the origin of wedding gifts. Like you say time have changed, the majority of couples who are getting married now already have a home and have furnished it.

But to me that means that modern couples might not need a 'dig out' or at least shouldn't automatically expect one. My bf and I have been together eight years and financially we are better off than our single friends as we can share our mortgage and pool our wages. 

My point is that I'm not against giving money or wedding lists. Not at all. They make things much easier for everyone involved. But I think it is more polite to wait until you are asked first before you tell someone what you want. My two cents, as always feel free to ignore!


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## truthseeker (26 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> My point is that I'm not against giving money or wedding lists. Not at all. They make things much easier for everyone involved. But I think it is more polite to wait until you are asked first before you tell someone what you want.


 
So you think its ok for people to receive cash gifts but not to ask for them because thats impolite?


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## msmyth (26 Mar 2008)

truthseeker said:


> So you think its ok for people to receive cash gifts but not to ask for them because thats impolite?



Well that's exactly what I think, I actually usually give cash presents. To actually request cash is both mean and impolite.


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

truthseeker said:


> So you think its ok for people to receive cash gifts but not to ask for them because thats impolite?



Yes, you're spot on. I take Sunny's point that I might be being sensitive here - but I would never, ever give a list of present ideas or a request for cash to someone while inviting them to a party, wedding, etc. 

Every wedding I've attended where I haven't got a wedding list or cash request with the invite I've just emailed them or called them and asked what they've wanted. If they want cash I'll gladly give it to them. But I think it is more polite to wait until you are asked first before you tell someone what you want, that's all!


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## Sunny (26 Mar 2008)

msmyth said:


> Well that's exactly what I think, I actually usually give cash presents. To actually request cash is both mean and impolite.


 
All sounds very Irish to me. I want cash. You know I want cash. You want to give cash. I just can't ask for the cash but its ok if you give me the cash without me asking..

And by the way I have never seen an invite saying cash only but as Truthseeker says above, I have heard from vouples involved that they would prefer cash. I don't think that makes them mean and impolite


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## sandrat (26 Mar 2008)

We didnt give a wedding list or ask for cash in our invitations but used the grapevine approach. We already had a (partially) furnished house so people would ring my mother confirming that it was ok to give cash or vouchers! We were delighted with everything we got from lamps to cutlery to a voucher to hire a boat on the shannon-erne waterway. We got cash too and used it to buy a suite of furniture for the sitting room, a computer, some other furniture and bits an pieces and we made sure that in the thank you cards we mentioned what we had used the money to buy "thank you for your generous gift which allowed us to finally buy a couch to snuggle up on" etc. People were delighted to help.

Also I think traditionally, parents paid for weddings where as these days its the bride and groom that pay. So maybe in the past people didn't give money but when they realise the cost of weddings these days they are glad to help with cash.


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## truthseeker (26 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> Yes, you're spot on. I take Sunny's point that I might be being sensitive here - but I would never, ever give a list of present ideas or a request for cash to someone while inviting them to a party, wedding, etc.
> 
> Every wedding I've attended where I haven't got a wedding list or cash request with the invite I've just emailed them or called them and asked what they've wanted. If they want cash I'll gladly give it to them. I just don't think people should expect to get things, that's all, even if it's the done thing that they get something!


 
I hear ya - but I think youve no doubt discovered in your life that different people have different standards of what is considered polite and what some people consider polite others might see as repressed, or what some see as impolite others might see as perfectly polite?

Perhaps couples should err on the side of caution in case they offend some of their guests?


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

Sunny said:


> All sounds very Irish to me. I want cash. You know I want cash. You want to give cash. I just can't ask for the cash but its ok if you give me the cash without me asking..
> 
> And by the way I have never seen an invite saying cash only but as Truthseeker says above, I have heard from vouples involved that they would prefer cash. I don't think that makes them mean and impolite



Nothing wrong with being Irish!  I've had a few invites saying cash only by the way.

It's just ettiquette - just like you expect people to turn up dressed appropriately and not wearing jeans and a t-shirt. (Who knows, maybe you don't mind?) And that your guests turn up on time and don't disrupt the proceedings. I accept gifts with (I hope) humility - in other words I don't tell people what to buy me when inviting them!

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree! But I'm not hung up on giving people cash. But I think it is more polite to wait until you are asked first before you tell someone what you want, that's all! (I keep repeating this I know, but it's a valid point!)


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

truthseeker said:


> I hear ya - but I think youve no doubt discovered in your life that different people have different standards of what is considered polite and what some people consider polite others might see as repressed, or what some see as impolite others might see as perfectly polite?
> 
> Perhaps couples should err on the side of caution in case they offend some of their guests?



I agree that people have different standards of what is considered polite. But like not dressing appropriately for the occasion, not turning up on time and disrupting the proceedings, telling people what to get them without being asked first is not acceptable ettiquette. 

I reckon if I did any of the above things at your wedding you would think I was rude (regardless of whether I thought it wasn't). And I wouldn't think you were repressed for thinking that. Weddings are very controlled occasions, rife with ettiquette rules for guests. The wedding party should follow their ettiquette side of the bargain too, regardless if whether they think it's repressed!

So yep - err on the side of caution because your guests will be doing the same I hope!


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## truthseeker (26 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> I agree that people have different standards of what is considered polite. But like not dressing appropriately for the occasion, not turning up on time and disrupting the proceedings, telling people what to get them without being asked first is not acceptable ettiquette.
> 
> I reckon if I did any of the above things at your wedding you would think I was rude (regardless of whether I thought it wasn't). And I wouldn't think you were repressed for thinking that. Weddings are very controlled occasions, rife with ettiquette rules for guests. The wedding party should follow their ettiquette side of the bargain too, regardless if whether they think it's repressed!
> 
> So yep - err on the side of caution because your guests will be doing the same I hope!



The things you say are true but there is a subtle difference between social ettiquette (i.e., how to dress and behave appropriately at a social event that has reasonably well defined social 'rules' and 'constraints') and what people consider rude in behaviour that happens in 'private' (like receiving a wedding invitation which is effectively a private transaction between a couple and an individual or another couple).

So turning up to someones wedding in jeans and a tee-shirt will not only offend the bride and groom but also many other guests (maybe) but reading an invite that states cash only offends you and only you - in private (well until you tell others I guess). 
The point Im trying to get at is this - behaviour in public or at a social event is defined by cultural norms and societies definition of 'acceptable behaviour', behaviour that happens in private between people is generally defined by some amount of cultural norm but also by the relationship between the two people and what is acceptable in that context. Like you'd talk about your sex life with your best friend but not with your mother perhaps? Do you see what I mean?

So perhaps the people who send out the cash only invites feel that their relationship with their guests is such that this is acceptable behaviour from them. Presumably people invite guests to their wedding that they have a relationship of some description with? 

I with you on the idea of ettiquette - but Id be more inclined to state 'formal attire' on the invites if it was going to be an issue for me.

As for the point you are making - its manners to wait til youre asked - yes it is better manners in some contexts - are weddings going in a different contextual direction though?


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## HelloJed (26 Mar 2008)

Sure, you make some good points there truthseeker. You're right, the invites with request for particular gifts and/or cash would only be rude 'in private'.

But my main point still stands - I think that requesting gifts or cash before being approached first is rude, regardless of my relationship with them. The principle is that gifts are voluntary, not obligatory. (For example I wouldn't even tell my best mate or mother what to get me for my birthday/xmas present before they asked me what I wanted, and I have a very close relationship with them both!) 

Even for a wedding, it is just presumptuous and frankly smacks of greed to me. 

But each to their own!


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## Blueberry08 (26 Mar 2008)

portboy said:


> 'm sorry, but you cant do a 'proper' wedding on €8k. Like most things a good wedding costs money and yes a good wedding is made by friends and family being there but they will be much happier in a nice venue eating good food and sipping nice wine than in a back-street pub eating cocktail sausages



Evening [broken link removed].


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## pc7 (27 Mar 2008)

well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself   We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there.  We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests.  We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there.  But that's just us


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## truthseeker (27 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> Sure, you make some good points there truthseeker. You're right, the invites with request for particular gifts and/or cash would only be rude 'in private'.
> 
> But my main point still stands - I think that requesting gifts or cash before being approached first is rude, regardless of my relationship with them. The principle is that gifts are voluntary, not obligatory. (For example I wouldn't even tell my best mate or mother what to get me for my birthday/xmas present before they asked me what I wanted, and I have a very close relationship with them both!)
> 
> ...


 
Ah yes - I understand you - I have a different relationship with my own best friend (and some family members, other friends etc..) where we would all ask for something specific for xmas/birthday without waiting to be asked - its just the nature of our relationships with each other - no one would see it as rude. So perhaps because Im 'used' to that type of social interaction I see it as less of an issue?

I would be more inclined to think (whether it be seen as rude or not) that there is a certain practicality in not wanting guests to spend their money on gifts that wouldnt be used, or would be wasted. So I dont think its necessarily greed that drives it (maybe it is in some cases).

I think overall unless you have a relationship with an invitee that allows for such requests it could very easily be construed as distasteful to actually request 'cash gifts'. Wedding lists are probably a step below that - but still a possibility of causing offence?
I may not be offended by either - but clearly others may be and it is important to consider the feelings of others if you expect them to consider yours on the big day.

What about asking your guests to make a donation to a particular charity instead of giving you a wedding gift - do you think that that makes it seem like a fundraising event or that it is a nice idea?


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## truthseeker (27 Mar 2008)

pc7 said:


> well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself  We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there. We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests. We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there. But that's just us


 
congrats pc7!!


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## Sunny (27 Mar 2008)

pc7 said:


> well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself  We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there. We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests. We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there. But that's just us


 
You are still high on love. Think of the cash!! 

Congrats.


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## pc7 (27 Mar 2008)

sunny :0 he he he thanks guys


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## batty (27 Mar 2008)

HelloJed said:


> Nothing wrong with being Irish!  I've had a few invites saying cash only by the way.
> 
> It's just ettiquette - just like you expect people to turn up dressed appropriately and not wearing jeans and a t-shirt. (Who knows, maybe you don't mind?) And that your guests turn up on time and don't disrupt the proceedings. I accept gifts with (I hope) humility - in other words I don't tell people what to buy me when inviting them!
> 
> I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree! But I'm not hung up on giving people cash. But I think it is more polite to wait until you are asked first before you tell someone what you want, that's all! (I keep repeating this I know, but it's a valid point!)


 
I got an invitation last year that said "no Coast dresses please ladies".  it didn't state if the gentlemen could wear them!!


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## pc7 (27 Mar 2008)

do you think I could put no clothes please on my invites???? now that would make for an interesting day to say the least


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## truthseeker (27 Mar 2008)

no clothes and cash only please - if the wad of cash is particularly large then stuff it into whatever orifice is relevant seeing as you'll have no pockets


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## pc7 (27 Mar 2008)

oh shudder the image in my brain,,,,, must erase!


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## HelloJed (27 Mar 2008)

_Ah yes - I understand you - I have a different relationship with my own best friend (and some family members, other friends etc..) where we would all ask for something specific for xmas/birthday without waiting to be asked - its just the nature of our relationships with each other - no one would see it as rude. So perhaps because Im 'used' to that type of social interaction I see it as less of an issue?_

Sure, that makes sense.

_ I would be more inclined to think (whether it be seen as rude or not) that there is a certain practicality in not wanting guests to spend their money on gifts that wouldnt be used, or would be wasted. So I dont think its necessarily greed that drives it (maybe it is in some cases)._

Like I said before, I think wedding lists are practical. I just think they should be provided when asked for, not as a 'shopping list' with an invite.

_ I think overall unless you have a relationship with an invitee that allows for such requests it could very easily be construed as distasteful to actually request 'cash gifts'. Wedding lists are probably a step below that - but still a possibility of causing offence?_

Again, just to make it clear -* I* don't have a problem with cash gifts or wedding lists. *I* don't think people should be asking for any gifts, cash or otherwise, with their invites. If *you* have a relationship with your invitees where you know that they won't think it's rude then it's a moot point.

_ I may not be offended by either - but clearly others may be and it is important to consider the feelings of others if you expect them to consider yours on the big day._

Yep. Mind you it wouldn't hurt my feelings if I got a wedding list with an invite, I'd just think it tacky not to wait until I've asked them. Tackiness is a difficult one to define, but giving someone a list of stuff to buy you before they ask you if they can get you a present is going down that road!

_ What about asking your guests to make a donation to a particular charity instead of giving you a wedding gift - do you think that that makes it seem like a fundraising event or that it is a nice idea?_

Again, I don't mind if I give cash to the couple or cash to a charity. But putting it on the invite does mean you're automatically assuming that people are going to give you gifts. 

When you're inviting people to your wedding you're asking them to witness and celebrate your union of love and commitment. Isn't then listing what you want them to get you a little tacky? I mean, you'd never include a list of gifts that you'd like in a Christmas card right? (Except for a letter to Santa of course!)


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## truthseeker (27 Mar 2008)

Its the implied assumption that 'youre giving me a gift so heres what id like' that is the issue here as opposed to what the gift is.

No - it would be most unusual to include your xmas list in an xmas card!!

But - often funeral notices state 'donations to charity' or 'no fresh flowers' so theres an implied assumption there too that seems to be socially acceptable?

Tackiness is definitely a difficult one to define - my idea of tacky might be someone elses idea of great style!!


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## HelloJed (27 Mar 2008)

Truthseeker - I think funeral notices are different because even if fresh flowers were sent, no one would be 'benefiting' directly from it - so I think it's perfectly acceptable for the deceased's family to ask for donations. 

It all comes down to the 'gimme gimme' aspect of our discussion. If you send a list or request for money with an invite, you risk looking like the gifts and money you receive are as important as the day itself - which isn't the case for the majority, but for some it can be!

I was invited to six weddings last year, all of them distant relatives or friends-of-friends, and I worked out that I probably would have spent 500-800 each time on transport, accommodation, hen night (travel and accommodation with that too) drinks and a gift. Maybe even more. (I also am a contractor so I don't get paid for days off, and they all seem to be on a week day!) I couldn't attend most of them as I just can't afford it (but always sent a present) but each time I saw a wedding list or a cash request with an invite I wondered about their priorities. I'm a generous gift-giver - I'd just like the invite to be free of the gimmees!

Anyway I reckon we are on the same page - in the end the most important thing is that have a great wedding day!


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## truthseeker (27 Mar 2008)

Yeah - good chatting about it.

I totally see where you are coming from, i may feel a little differently in my reaction to what other people do - but the clincher is I wouldnt state cash or send a wedding list myself!!! so what does that tell you eh?? (sure wouldnt you know im well mannered 

I certainly hear you on the expense for guests - particularly if you have to go to the hens as well. I went to a large number of weddings one year there recently (maybe 2004 or 2005) and between hens weekends, wedding days and associated travel - i only ended up with 5 days holidays left for myself for the whole year!! Not to mention the cost (mind you same dress/accessories was worn by me to 4 of them and then another set to the other 3).


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## DavyJones (27 Mar 2008)

pc7 said:


> well I got engaged last week, very happy if I say so myself  We haven't started planning it yet, we are planning small (if possible) not for money or any other reason than I just don't want strangers or random aunts or uncles there. We had considered going away but don't want to put expense on our guests. We are financially sound in that we will be paying for it ourselves and won't be doing a wedding list or asking for cash, only present required is the "presence" of the people we want there. But that's just us


 

We planned small too, best of luck with that! you'd be surprised how many people ye both know. About the random aunts and uncles, both sets of parents will have to have certain people there. they will break ye down, trust me.
My sister got married and said on the invites that guests presence was all they wanted. All but one couple gave something!

I was at a wedding and when they sent out the invites, there was a wedding gift list that included a 52" TV. Now thats extracting the urine


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## Blueberry08 (28 Mar 2008)

Why don't ye all just live together and spend your money on something fabulous, like decking or a 'round-the-world trip?


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## HelloJed (28 Mar 2008)

truthseeker said:


> Yeah - good chatting about it.
> 
> I totally see where you are coming from, i may feel a little differently in my reaction to what other people do - but the clincher is I wouldnt state cash or send a wedding list myself!!! so what does that tell you eh?? (sure wouldnt you know im well mannered
> 
> I certainly hear you on the expense for guests - particularly if you have to go to the hens as well. I went to a large number of weddings one year there recently (maybe 2004 or 2005) and between hens weekends, wedding days and associated travel - i only ended up with 5 days holidays left for myself for the whole year!! Not to mention the cost (mind you same dress/accessories was worn by me to 4 of them and then another set to the other 3).



It was good chatting about it! Much better than working 

It's all good though - most of the weddings I've been too have been brilliant. In fact, the best ones have been the 'budget' ones - where the bride and groom haven't broken the bank and killed themselves worrying about the flowers, bridesmaid dresses, cake etc - they've just wanted to have a good time with their friends and family and enjoy the occasion. It's their big day after all!


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## pc7 (28 Mar 2008)

DaveJones your right we went out last night for dinner and to think about options, i can keep my side small bf can't! Think Rome is on the cards again, that way its just really close friends and family and the small intimate affair we both want.  Only downside is putting expense on people to travel but if we do decide on Rome we'll do our best to cover as much for people as possible.  Phew this wedding lark is hard work


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## joejoe (28 Mar 2008)

MrMan said:


> Most people like to be extravgent at some time or another whether it is buying a larger home, latest gadgets, badge cars etc and a wedding is no different. A big wedding is a tradition and shouldn't be scoffed at by those with little interest in it, it really is a case of each to their own. Ballyman, you do sound bitter regarding your contempt for people spending money on one day and in particular the bride, but its not that mad really and I don't think anyone is going to sacrifice their kids education for the price of their wedding.



Allot of people that are getting married don't have kids, so its only later they see the problems (when they have kids + Loan + mortgage + another loan + credit card + HP + Overdraft (Ireland is on of the most in debt countries per head of population in the world)). 

If people want to spend the money thats good for them, and the hotel and the dress shop and the ...... and so on and on. Its not so good, if they can not afford it, that's where I see the problem (years of problems and debt for one day, maddness). 

Ballyman, to me sound's like a reasonable enough lad, just giving a different perspective than the others, and seems to be getting a bit of stick for it. I have been married a couple of years now and could not afford a big wedding even so pressure was put on me and my then girl friend to have a 'traditional Irish wedding', we didn't give in and we happy about that now. We have a very healthy bank balance now and are well able to provide for our son and our expectant child. Our marriage was / is about us and the rest of our life's and very importantly our children's life's, we dont have to work long long hours to pay the loans we have time to bring up our child and give him all the love and patient he needs, why put pressure on your marriage and family from the start if you don't need to?

In any case I wish all the couples out there getting married the best, its great to see that what ever about your spending habbit's, you are doing the right thing and bring a child or children up on a family.

Joejoe


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## Seagull (28 Mar 2008)

I don't have any problem with people setting up a wedding list at a store, as long as they have a range of items to suit all budgets. I don't view it as a requirement to go to that store and get something from their list. It's not always practical for the guests to make it to the store. Some people like it, as it means they know that they're getting the couple something that they want. I'm not keen on the cash only option.


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## liaconn (31 Mar 2008)

I think specifying'cash only' is very insenstive as it puts people who are not very well off in a very awkward position. At least, with a gift, they can go for something thoughtful and personal but that doesn't cost much. I know you can refuse the invitation, but once you've been invited to a wedding you still tend to buy a gift, whether you attend the event or not.


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## Sunny (31 Mar 2008)

liaconn said:


> I think specifying'cash only' is very insenstive as it puts people who are not very well off in a very awkward position. At least, with a gift, they can go for something thoughtful and personal but that doesn't cost much. I know you can refuse the invitation, but once you've been invited to a wedding you still tend to buy a gift, whether you attend the event or not.


 
I am willing to bet that no-one has ever put cash *only* on an invite. Most couples only specify what they would prefer whether that be cash or a gift from a list or don't specify anything. They are hardly going to turn around and return your gift because it wasn't cash or wasn't on the list so there is nothing to stop anyone buying a small personal gift.

I still don't see what is so insenstive or offensive about couples stating that preference. At least it is no more offensive than getting loads of unwanted gifts and then having to either return them for money or pass them on to other people. I think every vase in my house is someone elses unwanted wedding gift.


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## liaconn (31 Mar 2008)

The point is, if you make it very clear you want cash, people who can't afford to write a cheque for the 'going rate' are going to feel very uncomfortable about the whole business. Yes, they know their gift won't be handed back, but that doesn't lessen the awkwardness they might feel. If people specifically ring and ask if you'd like cash, that's fine, but blatantly requesting it is just a bit 'in your face' in my opinion.


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## msmyth (31 Mar 2008)

liaconn said:


> The point is, if you make it very clear you want cash, people who can't afford to write a cheque for the 'going rate' are going to feel very uncomfortable about the whole business. Yes, they know their gift won't be handed back, but that doesn't lessen the awkwardness they might feel. If people specifically ring and ask if you'd like cash, that's fine, but blatantly requesting it is just a bit 'in your face' in my opinion.



Exactly the point. Mention of money on an invite to watch a couple join in holy matrimony is just crass, rude, looks cheap and makes the couple look insincere. In this day and age people generally cop on that if you're already living together that money would be more useful, therefore there's no need to go mentioning it on the invite. As an invitee I would like to think that the couple are so caught up in planning their future lives together that putting dollar signs onto the invite should be the last thing on their minds.  From reading the debate going on here you risk alienating about half of the people that you invite so I would say it's a big no no.


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## CN624 (31 Mar 2008)

batty said:


> I got an invitation last year that said "no Coast dresses please ladies".  it didn't state if the gentlemen could wear them!!




That would probably have caused more offense than asking for cold hard cash! Is Coast too common these days?


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## roland (31 Mar 2008)

MikeP said:


> Following on from other topics, on this site- How much have people paid or would pay for their wedding. .....


 
Never ceases to amaze me how people can convince themselves to spend so much money, and so much of their friends' money, on one day's relatively average entertainment.  The fact is that most people do not like attending weddings, and many couples themselves don't even enjoy it.  Between the 'required' presents, clothes, hotel accommodation, drinks etc. the costs are just crazy.  And for what?  The opportunity to share 'in our special day'?  I doubt it.  There's usually little special about sitting in a dull hotel room with 100/200 other people you don't know, eating dull food and listening to heinous music from one of the bands from hell, known to us all as 'the wedding band'.  Then there is the time off needed for the stag/hen, the wedding day, the day after etc.  For the couple themselves and those around them, there is often months/years of planning taken up.  On any rational basis, this is all crazy stuff for what it is.

If people want to do it then fine and perhaps they convince themselves it's worth it.  If people do have special memories of their day, more power to them.  But the costs are usually so disproportionate to their usual spending that it quickly becomes entirely irrational.  It seems to me that most people do it without even questioning it.  The weight of society/family pressure to have 'the big day out' is just enormous.  It's like the Xmas party season.  It takes more effort to explain why you are not partaking than to just do it anyway 'cos you're expected to.  It's takes a brave person to stand up to it and make the bleeding obvious decision to not partake in this madness.


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## Sunny (1 Apr 2008)

CN624 said:


> That would probably have caused more offense than asking for cold hard cash! Is Coast too common these days?


 
Maybe the bride bought her dress in Coast and didn't want anyone else turning up in it which is fair enough.


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## Sunny (1 Apr 2008)

msmyth said:


> From reading the debate going on here you risk alienating about half of the people that you invite so I would say it's a big no no.


 
So you are saying that if a close member of your family or close friend (and they are the only weddings I personally go to) mentioned that they would prefer cash gifts when sending out the invites, they would alienate you?


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## liaconn (1 Apr 2008)

If my brother or sister or one of my very close friends mentioned to me privately that they would prefer cash to a gift that would be fine. I would think it highly inappropriate, however, to specify it in writing on a wedding invitation.


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## Sunny (1 Apr 2008)

liaconn said:


> If my brother or sister or one of my very close friends mentioned to me privately that they would prefer cash to a gift that would be fine. I would think it highly inappropriate, however, to specify it in writing on a wedding invitation.


 
I have never seen it written on an invite. Any weddings I have been to that some people on this thread would have found offensive have included a wedding list where it states that any cash gifts would be gratefully accpeted. Some people think that giving cash is offensive or afraid they will be seen as lazy and spend their time stressing out about gifts etc. Maybe couples just want to avoid this as well and are the not the greedy insenstive offensive people they are being portrayed as on this thread.

I don't get how you can find someone writing down that they would prefer cash offensive but not if they say it privately on a one-to-one basis. So basically it is ok if I don't put it on the invite but instead ring everyone up and say it to them??


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## msmyth (1 Apr 2008)

Yes it would, happened this weekend actually that my bf's family each received a wedding invite with an abrupt letter inside saying that the couple wanted cash and not presents. End result was much giving out about the couple and their lack of manners and none of the family are attending the wedding. To add to the insult there was also a price list for the hotel included in the invite, £240 per night and it's on in England so there's flight involved as well. My bf had intended on sending a gift since we were invited and all but now he's refusing to!


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## Sunny (1 Apr 2008)

msmyth said:


> Yes it would, happened this weekend actually that my bf's family each received a wedding invite with an abrupt letter inside saying that the couple wanted cash and not presents. End result was much giving out about the couple and their lack of manners and none of the family are attending the wedding. To add to the insult there was also a price list for the hotel included in the invite, £240 per night and it's on in England so there's flight involved as well. My bf had intended on sending a gift since we were invited and all but now he's refusing to!


 
You don't have to stay in the £240 hotel so not sure what that has to do with anything or what is insulting about it. 

You chose not to attend the wedding of family member/close friend because they had the cheek to ask for a monetary gift instead of having you spend it on a gift?

Why do people act as if wedding lists, requests for cash, gifts in general are compulsory. If you feel so strongly that the event is turning out to be some commercial exercise by the couple involved, don't give anything at all or just give something small. Its then their problem if they are offended. Just as it is your problem and not the couples if you are offended by a couple requesting prefering money as a gift.


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## liaconn (1 Apr 2008)

If a couple state that 'they want cash not gifts' then they are forcing you to give cash by making it very clear that other gifts are not wanted and won't be appreciated.


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## Trent (1 Apr 2008)

msmyth said:


> Yes it would, happened this weekend actually that my bf's family each received a wedding invite with an abrupt letter inside saying that the couple wanted cash and not presents. End result was much giving out about the couple and their lack of manners and none of the family are attending the wedding. To add to the insult there was also a price list for the hotel included in the invite, £240 per night and it's on in England so there's flight involved as well. My bf had intended on sending a gift since we were invited and all but now he's refusing to!


 

You're right to stand for what you believe in. However, you should probably send a small gift just as a token for the day that's in it. Ignore the cash request - it's the thought that counts. Life's too short to fall out with people over these things. Just do what suits you - you're not answerable to anyone else.


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## batty (1 Apr 2008)

Sunny said:


> Maybe the bride bought her dress in Coast and didn't want anyone else turning up in it which is fair enough.


 
So you think it's o.k. for a bride to dictate where a guest is not allowed to buy their clothing to wear??  It's bridezilla a step too far!


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## Sunny (1 Apr 2008)

batty said:


> So you think it's o.k. for a bride to dictate where a guest is not allowed to buy their clothing to wear?? It's bridezilla a step too far!


 
I am a guy so couldn't care less what people wear but even I can see why a bride wouldn't want anyone else turning up to the wedding in the same dress. If that means asking people not to wear coast dresses to avoid her feeling awkward, then so be it. Suppose it is her own fault though for buying something off the rack.


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## Sunny (1 Apr 2008)

liaconn said:


> If a couple state that 'they want cash not gifts' then they are forcing you to give cash by making it very clear that other gifts are not wanted and won't be appreciated.


 

So whats your problem? Either give them what they want or don't give them anything. If they are offended after you making the effort to go to their big day, thats their problem, not yours.


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## deedee80 (1 Apr 2008)

> batty*Re: Wedding Costs*
> Quote:
> Originally Posted by *Sunny* http://www.askaboutmoney.com/showthread.php?p=604023#post604023
> _Maybe the bride bought her dress in Coast and didn't want anyone else turning up in it which is fair enough._
> ...


 
I actually heard about this on another site.  Think the bridesmaid dresses were from Coast.  I'd be fairly happy for the heads up to be honest as would be a bit morto if I was wearing the same as the bridesmaids!  I would take no offence to it whatsoever.


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## liaconn (1 Apr 2008)

Sunny said:


> So whats your problem? Either give them what they want or don't give them anything. If they are offended after you making the effort to go to their big day, thats their problem, not yours.


 
Not everyone feels capable of taking this 'hard line'. Whether you agree with their feelings or not, the fact is that requesting cash instead of gifts embarasses some people into spending more than they can afford or forces people to turn down an invite because they can't afford a cash present . Personally, I would hate to feel I'd put my guests in this position, it obviously wouldn't bother you.  We'll have to agree to differ on this one.


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## casiopea (1 Apr 2008)

deedee80 said:


> I actually heard about this on another site.  Think the bridesmaid dresses were from Coast.  I'd be fairly happy for the heads up to be honest as would be a bit morto if I was wearing the same as the bridesmaids!  I would take no offence to it whatsoever.



I agree.  As a woman, you'd really appreciate being told where to avoid so you (a guest) dont show up looking like a bridesmaid.  Imagine paying for a good new dress in an expensive shop like Coast and you show up as a reject bridesmaid or worse in the same dress as the Bride.  Thats a savvy considerate bride (issueing that warning) - not a bridezilla.

When DH and I got married we had to deal with what is normal in swiss culture and in irish culture regarding gifts.  Over here things like cash gifts and wedding lists are not as common as at home so we didnt include any lists or requests. What really surprised me however was the amount of Irish guests that requested to give a cash gift.  Even friends my own age contacted me asking me would I mind if they "just" gave money (of course I didnt mind)! I think 80% of our irish guests gave cash gifts.  So while people may think its tacky to request a cash gifts - it does seem to be the preferred way to give a gift for a wedding.


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