# breach of safety order - proceed with charges?



## Carzy (21 Aug 2007)

I recently had a safety order issued against my ex-partner.

Within two weeks he breached this by deliberately damaging my car while drunk.  I called the guards and he was arrested and held in custody for two nights.

According to his family there is a court appearance in Sept - which I've heard nothing about.

Is this out of my hands now? Can I stop these charges? I cant sleep or eat thinking about the whole thing.  

He has moved out of the area where he was living very close to me and is now attending AA/counselling.  We have two young children and I just feel awful for them as the maximum penalty is 12 months imprisonment.


----------



## ClubMan (21 Aug 2007)

Carzy said:


> Is this out of my hands now? Can I stop these charges?


Presumably he is facing criminal charges in which case I can't see you can stop the process now. Have you spoken to the _Gardaí _or a solicitor about this?


----------



## niceoneted (21 Aug 2007)

If it's his first offence and he can prove in court he is getting help from AA I would think he may get away with a fine and possibly a suspended sentence(you can never be 100% sure though of what a court will do). If you do not stick with this although it is hard he will think that he can continue to do it. For your own sake and the kids sake let the charges stand. It may do himself very well too if he gets the help from AA. (I'm glad you went through with the safety order - from your previous post)

Good luck with it all, there is plenty of support for you.


----------



## TreeTiger (21 Aug 2007)

I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you got on. Glad to see you went ahead with getting the safety order. It's very tough for you to watch someone do this to themselves, but you need to let go and let him face the consequences of his own actions. Have you tried Al-Anon or some counselling for yourself? It may help you deal with this difficult situation.

Best of luck to you and to your kids.


----------



## Carzy (22 Aug 2007)

it's very uplifting to read that people who dont even know me are glad for me

what a great site this is - i'm truly hooked!

i'm a bit embarrassed to ask the guards re. dropping the charges as I insisted on the evening everything happened that I would see it through to the end.... and now the doubts set in...

it would be his first offence so i was hoping a fine would be worst case scenario and not imprisonment but i suppose you never can tell

thanks for the responses though


----------



## niceoneted (22 Aug 2007)

Stick with it as it will do him the world of good too. Judge may make an order for him to go to rehab or AA which is a good thing esp for the children.
Keep the faith.


----------



## ClubMan (22 Aug 2007)

I understand why you are concerned about the effect on the kids of any reprecussions for the father in this situation but, based on this and your other posts to date, I don't really understand why you seem to be worried about him per se. Am I missing something here? Have you sought advice/help from support groups in this area if applicable (e.g. _Womens Aid _comes to mind but maybe there are others?)?


----------



## MOB (22 Aug 2007)

"i'm a bit embarrassed to ask the guards re. dropping the charges as I insisted on the evening everything happened that I would see it through to the end.... and now the doubts set in..."

Many judges (often rightly) take a very poor view of criminal complaints being made and spouses then refusing to testify or trying to withdraw their complaint.  It is of course open to you, and wholly appropriate for you to state in your evidence (if true) that things have improved, that you now regard this as a once off etc., but do not put yourself in the position of being seen to have wasted the time of the guards and the courts.


----------



## Bronte (23 Aug 2007)

Carzy well done on getting the safety order.  Like that you must now hold firm as you did when you went to court for the safety order, hopefully this latest incident will lead to your ex getting a grip on his life for everybody's sake.  Also bear in mind that if he gets off with the car incident he may do something worse the next time.


----------



## leafs (23 Aug 2007)

This is your partner's 'wake up call'. Common experience to have mixed feelings after such a stressful event but your feelings of guilt are misplaced. He is not a victim. He chose his behaviour and now must take responsibility for his choices. Dropping the charges may cause him to have a relapse and may feed into his denial and minimisation of what occured.
He needs this process to teach him about boundaries in relationships and in particular how he treats the mother of his children. You are a good role model for your children also. Good luck.


----------



## truthseeker (29 Aug 2007)

Carzy,
Fair play to you for getting the Safety Order and double fair play to you for enforcing it by calling the guards on your ex-partner.

I understand that doubts set in but you must follow through with your actions or the message sent to your ex is that he can get away with things and you dont follow through. You will actually enable his bad behaviour if you do not follow through.

I strongly suggest you attend a local al-anon meeting, for your own sake and for your children who are bound to be affected by your ex pertners drinking/behaviour.

Dont feel bad - you are standing up for yourself. I wish you all the best.


----------



## Carzy (4 Sep 2007)

thanks for all the support - it really matters 

how come i haven't had any notice of the court hearing - which my ex tells me is the 17th Sept??

Surely I'm expected to be there?


----------



## niceoneted (4 Sep 2007)

I am assuming that he was charged the last day so there would have only have been minimal parts of the court process dealt with on the first day - arrest, charge and caution. He may have been charged but bailed to that date for the above evidence to be given in which case you would not be required. 
Don't worry if you are to be there you will get the adequate notice but I suspect that you are not required at the moment and will not be if he pleads guilty.
Stay strong and I hope you and your kids are doing brilliantly.


----------

