# Unknown facts about chuck norris



## fobs (18 Jan 2006)

1. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

2. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
3. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck
Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in
blood and tears.
4. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
5. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his
name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing
this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face
and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay
mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker
every second Wednesday of the month.
7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
8. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
9. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
10. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted,
"HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,
"Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the
irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred
mile radius of the blast went deaf.
11. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby This post will be deleted if not edited immediately the
gift of "beard". This post will be deleted if not edited immediately wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of This post will be deleted if not edited immediately' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes.
14. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her
and saying "booya".
16. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
17. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd
had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away. 
18. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like
Chuck Norris
19. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."
20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it
show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
21. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get
up the courage to tell him.
22. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate an Indian. 
23. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving,
Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when
he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her
a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
25. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 
26. Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate
the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat
tied to a jackhammer. 
27. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".
29. One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris
"Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized
profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph.
Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy
knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
30. If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T
and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.
31. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is
gay, but because he has run out of women.
32. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.
33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
34. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, for HIS pleasure.
35. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
36. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.
37. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.
38. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to
a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him.
39. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a
high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
40. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the
face that day.
41. If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck
corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns
the entire state down.
42. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
43. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
44. Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes
corn needs to lie the **** down.
45. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and
that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever
come to matching him.
46. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
allows to live.
47. Chuck played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
48. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
49. Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding.
50. While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live
ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he
can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.
51. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3
at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
52. Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
53. There are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark
Side, and Chuck Norris.
54. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's
hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a
roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure
that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

55. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly
declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
56. New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock
struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick
everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever
since.
57. Only Chuck Norris knows how to get the figs in fig rolls.
58. When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it
was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
59. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
60. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible
for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
61. Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2
on the Sega Genesis.
62. Chuck Norris is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
63. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of
chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in
the side of the face.
64. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen
from outer space by the naked eye.
65. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
66. Chuck Norris does not eat. He refuels.
67. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or
not.
68. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
69. Only Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
70. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was
experimenting with water.
71. There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however
only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
72. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to
say hi.
73. Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you
won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting
late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
74. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the
extinct species list.
75. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
76. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
77. Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
78. If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would
kick your ass and take your dollar.
79. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire
cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
80. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.
81. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight
co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the
third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
82. Chuck Norris was the fifth Beatle. He was expelled for
roundhouse kicking Ringo so hard he puked.
83. Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
84. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
85. Chuck Norris can divide by Zero
86. Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds.
He says he won't trade any of them for anything.
87. If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space you
know who would win: Chuck Norris.
88. Kryptonite fears Chuck Norris
89. Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
90. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
91. Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris who was dropped
at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
92. Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning
the special Olympics.
93. Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
94. On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.
95. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
96. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and
roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't
be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your
hat.
97. Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.
98. Chuck Norris invented water.
99. Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once
asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
100. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris
accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to
this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.
101. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
102. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell
a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
103. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn
occurred when chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
104. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach pictures of
his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick them.
105. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Gen Chuck Norris can be
seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
106. Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he
replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him.. Until he roundhouse
kicked them all because someone split his pint.


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## shnaek (18 Jan 2006)

This is the funniest thing I've read in a while. Pure class.

107 Chuck Norris doesn't Teabag the ladies, he potatoe-sacks them

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 
Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck. 
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day. 
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody. 
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.


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## ninsaga (18 Jan 2006)

Is he actually David Norris's alter ego by any chance?


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## stuart (18 Jan 2006)

Can this be made a sticky


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## Humpback (18 Jan 2006)

In a similar vein, there's the ones about Vin Diesel too. My particular favourite is the last one.
 
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down. 

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied, "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response. 

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead. 

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****. 

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. 

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him. 
Vin Diesel has secretly been every Pope the last 350 years, with the exception of Pope John Paul II (who was actually John Cusack). 

The Turkish hate Vin Diesel. Why? Because Vin Diesel killed over 1.5 Million Armenians on April 24th, 1915. He later blamed it on the Turkish Ottoman Empire who to this day get accused of this crime as Vin Diesel sits back and laughs at the Armenians. 
 
God created Vin Diesel before Adam, but had to ask Vin to leave because instead of naming the animals in the Garden he devoured their bodies and souls. 

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of 'Where's Waldo Now?' Not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas. 

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill. 
Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital. 

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won. 
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
If you rearrange the letters in 'Vin Diesel' it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. 

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt. 

Vin Diesel cannot be killed by man of woman born.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.


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## efm (18 Jan 2006)

What about Mr. T ? 

*Mr. T*

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T was the first to kill two bird with one stone. He kept the stone, and as of now it has killed 6,048.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

Remember when Mr. T wasn't so popular and awesome? Me neither.

They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.


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## shnaek (27 Jan 2006)

- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life. 

- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.

- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

- Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

- Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.

- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.

- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

- The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.

- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer

- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.


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