# Siblings x 10- Advice prior to Mothers death



## 10amwalker (9 Mar 2013)

Reading the posts on how wills and the issue of what to do with the family home when the second parent dies has prompted this posting.

I am one of 10 children; thankfully all alive.
My Mum in her 80's lives alone in the family home.
Mum made a will years back and recently advised me that she wishes to change her will. I was told as she uses the same solicitor as myself and I will arrange the appointment and bring her there.
I do not know the content of the will- nor do I want to. 
I have asked my Mum to be fair in her will however I have no knowledge as to whether my request was or will be heeded (when she changes her will)  

However I am realistic to assume that following my Mothers death all will not be plain sailing. Life in such a large family with all siblings married (one divorced) has never been plain sailing. Life can be strange.

A brother and I are executors of my Mums will. We would not be the closest and have not spoken together about the fact that we are the executors. Yet I feel that we will both fulfil our roles diligently.

My family are very important to me and I would like if possible to minimise the family friction following my Mums death.
I expect it will be something like the sentimental pieces of jewellery that could give rise to World War 3...

Any advice please ?


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## fogfurn (9 Mar 2013)

One part of me says enjoy your mam while you can and don't take her for granted. Another part understands why you are asking these questions. I don't know really how to advise you but don't keep pushing your mother just tell her your feelings and leave it at that, but please do let her know nicely how you feel, but do it now because she might be gone tomorrow( I'm holding back tears as I write this, ) enjoy her now and don't be think of her death, because the time will come when you will thinking of nothing else and it's just so unfair and horrible especially when all you see around you is mother day gifts. I'm sorry I'm havin a bad day


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## noproblem (9 Mar 2013)

I don't wish to spoil anyone's future, or to butt in on their lives. However, someone has posted on a public forum, so I feel I'm entitled to have my say. This persons mother is alive, what she owns is hers and hers only. If she wishes to change her will, that's her business and hers alone. She should get no guidance from any family member. As it stands, she can give her estate to anyone she wants, family or not. Too many people are looking for relatives to die, then droll over what they feel is their rightful inheritance. It's not their right to inherit anything, it's the person who is in possession of whatever asset, to do with it whatever they wish, fair or unfair, as they see fit. Sometimes, we might see fit to learn this.


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## Brendan Burgess (9 Mar 2013)

10amwalker said:


> Mum made a will years back and recently advised me that she wishes to change her will. I was told as she uses the same solicitor as myself and I will arrange the appointment and bring her there.



If some of your siblings think that the will arising from this appointment is unfair, they will probably accuse you of undue influence. 

Make absolutely sure that you leave your mother with the solicitor and you leave the room and wait in reception. 

Even better, could you ask the solicitor to visit your mother in her home?  So it cannot be interpreted as you "arranging" for your mother to change her will? If the solicitor is prepared to do that, then maybe get your mother to ring the solicitor herself.


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## 10amwalker (11 Mar 2013)

Thank you for your comments and I have brought my Mum to previous appointments with the solicitor and have indeed waited in the reception area !!! 
It is none of my business as was rightly pointing out. My Mum nor the solicitor would have it any other way. Just in case this comment is taken the wrong way I do not wish to know what is in the will.

My Mum is in great form and mentally very with it but when she dies (and I am not wishing that happens but am realistic) all hell will break loose. Maybe I am being naive in trying to take steps to prevent the rifts that will occur.


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## Northie (11 Mar 2013)

To be honest it sounds like no matter what is in the will you'll probably have a tough situation arising. You know your family better then us and I can appreciate that you are asking the questions you are as you feel responsible as one of the executors of your mothers will rather then as a possible beneficiary.

As you mention, you (rightly) have no idea what your mam's intentions are, maybe it will all go to the cats and dogs home and there will be nothing to fight over, or maybe it will cause a huge rift in the family. At the end of the day you can only control what you do, and if you have family members that are prepared to fall out over material possesions there wont be much you can do about it.

I'm the "peacemaker" in my own family saga, and trust me you'll never win, you can only do what you can to keep yourself happy. If you really think the whole thing will blow up why not ask to be removed as executor and enjoy the rest of the time you have with your mam.


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## Sue Ellen (11 Mar 2013)

If it were me I would ask the other executor (brother) to come along to the solicitor's office, to ensure that they can confirm at a later stage, to all family involved, that everything was above board.


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## 10amwalker (13 Mar 2013)

Northie, I did think of removing myself from the role of executor however I do know that my Mum would be really disappointed if I did that- like you I am the peacemaker in the family.

I am enjoying my time with Mum especially going to arthouse movies which she really enjoys and is delighted to tell all her colleagues at the two day centres she attends. 

It is the antics within the family that I am not looking forward to when she passes on. Any advice on how to deal with communicating Mum's wishes (will)  when the time comes. 

One practical piece of advice that I have learnt is not to allow in-laws to be present at the family meeting.

10amwalker


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## Padraigb (13 Mar 2013)

You seem to have a concern that you might be seen as having exercised undue influence on your mother.

When the time comes - which you hope is not soon - you can step back and allow your brother to be sole executor. It's a fairly simple procedure for one of two named executors to renounce and allow the other to act. It is not done, indeed cannot be done, during the testator's lifetime.


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## 10amwalker (14 Mar 2013)

Thank you Padraigb. I did not know that. 
This might sound silly but can you have more than two executors for a will as this option could be very useful in such a large family, particularly as the age range is very wide. 

I am not concerned that it could be seen has my having undue influence on my Mum by my siblings as they know that my Mum blows hot and cold with us all. We laugh that when one is out of favour that our photo in the house is turned facing the wall !! 

My main concern is how best to maintain relationships with my siblings following the death of my Mum. I heard someone on the radio recently say where there is a will there is a row  !!


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## seantheman (14 Mar 2013)

10amwalker said:


> However I am realistic to assume that following my Mothers death all will not be plain sailing. Life in such a large family with all siblings married (one divorced) has never been plain sailing. Life can be strange.
> 
> 
> My family are very important to me and I would like if possible to minimise the family friction following my Mums death.
> I expect it will be something like the sentimental pieces of jewellery that could give rise to World War 3...


 


10amwalker said:


> I do not wish to know what is in the will.
> 
> My Mum is in great form and mentally very with it but when she dies (and I am not wishing that happens but am realistic) all hell will break loose. Maybe I am being naive in trying to take steps to prevent the rifts that will occur.


 


10amwalker said:


> It is the antics within the family that I am not looking forward to when she passes on. Any advice on how to deal with communicating Mum's wishes (will) when the time comes.


 


10amwalker said:


> My main concern is how best to maintain relationships with my siblings following the death of my Mum. I heard someone on the radio recently say where there is a will there is a row !!


 
What i can't understand from reading your posts is, why do you have concerns about rows in the family if you're not privvy to the contents of her will?


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## Padraigb (14 Mar 2013)

10amwalker said:


> ... This might sound silly but can you have more than two executors for a will as this option could be very useful in such a large family, particularly as the age range is very wide...


You can nominate as many executors as you like, but it is best not to create too complicated a situation. When an executor is in the same age bracket as yourself, there is a possibility that he or she might predecease you (obviously that danger also exists with a young nominee, but the risk is lower).

You could look into a formula like "I nominate A to be the executor of this will; if A is unable or unwilling to act, I nominate B..." all the way to Z if you like.


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## 10amwalker (31 Jul 2013)

*Thank you*

An update,

My Mum has revised her will and thankfully she is very pleased that this matter has been dealt with and her mind is at rest. 

I would like to thank you for the advice in relation to the number of executors. My Mum now has three executors named and she believes that with the addition of a third person a greater balance will be given to the process. 

Many thanks


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## SarahMc (31 Jul 2013)

I agree about keeping in laws out of the equation. Any family meetings, clearing the house, distribution of sentimental items should be done with siblings only.

Any rows I have heard about during this time are as a result of grabby inlaws. Of course siblings can be grabby too, but normally the family can keep them in check.


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## Alidee (31 Jul 2013)

*her affairs are sorted, what about yours?*

now 10amwalker - I'm glad that things have worked out for you in relation to your Mum, and as earlier posters suggested enjoy your Mum while you have her. Now is a perfect time to consider have you got your own affairs in order, have you your own will made. Regardless of age or health, we often overlook our own vulnerability, so if you haven't done so already, set your own arrangements in place, then sit back happy and know that all will be dispersed according to your own wishes.


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