# Separation problems



## Mick31 (16 Jun 2009)

Hi,


my wife and I separated and she moved out 5 months ago.  We have a 5 year old daughter.  We did not get legally separated or anything like that, it's just that she moved out and started renting a house by herself.    Our daughter stays with her 5 days a week, and she is with me over the weekends.  

Recently, I noticed that my ex is drinking wine, while the child is asleep upstairs.  She used to do that while we were together; even though I did not like it, I did not really mind because I knew my daughter is safe since I was not drinking.  However, now my ex is drinking and I am concerned about the child's safety.  My ex does not get drunk; however, she certainly would not be able to drive a car for instance should anything happen to the child.  

I said to my ex that this was not acceptable and that I could take my daughter overnight if she wants to have a bottle of wine; however, I was told to mind my own business, and get out of her house.

Has anyone got a view on this, advice etc...Perhaps I should get a solicitor; however, since I am paying mortgage on my own I would hardly get one.

Thanks


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## onq (16 Jun 2009)

This is a very sensitive issue and seems to relate more to your relationship rather than about an aspect of law. I think you may need to loosen up a little over the wine. Your ex has been through a lot recently and by your own account is not drinking to excess. Let me put it like this, she is committed enough to your daughter to stay at home and have a drink - she's not "Out with the Girls" [or boys].

If you have difficulties accepting her position perhaps a chat to a friend, a family member, intermediary or other third party may help, but you have to accept the child is hers too and she's also her legal guardian. If you make accusations of poor parenting without sufficient grounds it will may well be seen as an attempt to undermine your separated wife, regardless of how you feel. This may in turn affect how a court will grant custody should you fail to reconcile and proceed to a legal separation [not that I'm wishing that on either of you].

Don't think your concerns relate solely to parents living apart. Many couples have a drink at home together on occasion [my wife and I shared a glass of wine last Sunday night, for example] which leaves them in a condition where they could be over the limit and might possibly be unsafe behind the wheel. 

If anything happened we'd call the ambulance and I expect you or your separated wife would too depending on which of you your daughter was staying with. A strategy of driving at high speed to Tallaght Hospital [or wherever] has no place in an emergency. Your concern for your child coupled with trying to attend to her while you drive will tend to make you a danger to other road users. Phone the ambulance instead.

Perhaps you could consider talking about and agreeing such a strategy with your separated wife rather than apparently putting her down in her eyes for she probably considers is her reasonable R+R.

Hope this helps.

ONQ


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## mathepac (16 Jun 2009)

Mick31 said:


> ...  However, now my ex is drinking and I am concerned about the child's safety.  My ex does not get drunk; however, she certainly would not be able to drive a car for instance should anything happen to the child...


You know your wife best and if she consumes enough alcohol to be incapable of driving then she is probably not capable of looking after a five year old.


Mick31 said:


> ...  I said to my ex that this was not acceptable and that I could take my daughter overnight if she wants to have a bottle of wine; however, I was told to mind my own business, and get out of her house...


If you have concerns then it is certainly your business.

Do you have any mutual friends you could speak to in confidence, could you talk to her GP or family?


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## Mick31 (17 Jun 2009)

Thanks.

It is not just about driving, I only used it to describe her condition after a bottle.  

I am very concerned since I have no control whatsoever over this.  I know we all have different ways to relax and that is fine; however, I don't think it is appropriate and responsible, to say the least, to drink while a 5 year old is asleep.  

I am aware that accussations of poor parenting may cause other problems, but even if I am to make one how can I prove what I saw?  For all I know, she could have one more bottle.  

I can certainly try talking to her family and some mutual friends and hope for the best.


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## olddoll (17 Jun 2009)

Does you daughter have health issues that could flare up while she is asleep in bed? In general, there is not much that could happen to a child while it is asleep in bed.

Are you using your daughter as a way of exerting control on your wife?


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## ANORAKPHOBIA (17 Jun 2009)

Sounds like she had good reason to leave you. You are not entitled to control other peoples lives. If every parent that had a couple of drinks in the comfort of their own home was deemed an unfit parent we would be a sorry society.


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## lou2 (17 Jun 2009)

*"You know your wife best and if she consumes enough alcohol to be incapable of driving then she is probably not capable of looking after a five year old".*

This has to be the most ridiculous post I have ever read. In some cases, a glass and a half of wine would be enough to put you over the legal limit for driving. To suggest that this would probably render someone incapable of looking after a 5 year old is unbelieveable. Is she planning to perform life-saving surgery on the child? C'mon...let's get real. I'm sure this mum would be more than capable of comforting/minding her 5-year old even after a few glasses of wine. According to the OP she is not getting plastered. She is unwinding with a few glasses of wine. Should we ban all people from drinking alcohol at all if they are in charge of a person under 18 years of age?


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## mathepac (17 Jun 2009)

lou2 said:


> ... a glass and a half of wine would be enough to put you over the legal limit for driving. To suggest that this would probably render someone incapable of looking after a 5 year old is unbelieveable...


Neither OP or I made any statement about the amount of alcohol his wife was consuming, so I'm not sure where the "... glass and a half of wine ..." issue comes from or indeed its relevance to OP's concerns and I have made no suggestion about how “... a glass and a half of wine ...” might or might not effect anyone.

Its interesting the number of posts that do not respond to OP’s request for help; two (to-date) have addressed themselves to OP’s perceived “control issues”, a third has initiated a criticism of my contribution based on something I never wrote and all seem ready to defend his wife’s right to drink while ignoring his concern for his daughter’s safety, the very issue he asked for help with!


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## Mommah (17 Jun 2009)

Will this issue is within the OP's area of concern, it is not within his area of control. So there is nothing he can do about it.

Personally I don't think its ideal to be drinking alone...but I don't think it makes her an unsafe mother. I'm sure the OP will admit to not being perfect himself at times....just guessing.

My hubby and myself have often come home from a night out over the drink-driving limit, dismissed the babysitter and had never any qualms about it.

I think by raising it with the mother the OP will only escalate the tension and that definitely will not be good for his kids and is definitely with in his area of control.

Unfortunately these are the realities you have to accept when a relationship has broken down.


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## Mick31 (17 Jun 2009)

Hi guys,

I see I need to expand this a bit further.  
First of all she did not leave, but we mutually decided to separate as we were not getting on.  She hated the place we lived in, so she started renting another house.  

Also I do not love her, and really do not care if she has a boyfriend, partner etc..as long as my daughter is safe.  Just need to stress that in order to cut down on control freak issue some of you may have.  


Now back to the wine story; usually she lights 5-10 candles while drinking wine.  On at least 3 occassions over the last 6 months of our relationship, I had to put some of them out because she was tipsy enough and did not put them out properly.  I think some of you at least would be concerned given the situation.  
She also said when she got the new house that she would not be drinking, but obviously what I saw was just the opposite.  

I never said she was incapable of being a mother; it is only when she is drinking wine that I am worried.  

So please we can leave out control issues when it comes to my ex, I am happy that that relationship ended.


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## Bronte (18 Jun 2009)

Mick31 I so far fail to see the danger, you have said youself she does not get drunk.  Drunk or sober it's easy to forget to put a candle out.  Smokers are notorious for dropping lit cigarettes especially when they smoke in bed etc.  People can fall asleep with a lit candle in their bedroom.  

You seem to want your ex wife to be a 'perfect' parent, there is no such thing.  You state it is not a control issue, but when you were living together you said you did not like her to drink, you also have used the words poor parenting in relation to her, and that 'how can you make this accusation without proof', do you mean that you want to go down the legal route?

By the way in your second post you yourself mention 'no control over this'

I'm not trying to attack you, we do not have all the information on this scenario,  only a few sketchy details. Until you demonstrate a danger to your child how can we give you any advice.


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## Mommah (18 Jun 2009)

Mick31 said:


> On at least 3 occassions over the last 6 months of our relationship, I had to put some of them out because she was tipsy enough and did not put them out properly.


 
I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned about this.
But the reality is you have no control over it.

All parents take risk and do silly things.
Do you leave your telly plugged in at night?

I am a child of separating parents who fought all these issues out to the bitter end. It does your children no.good.at.all.

My little 7 yo neighbour called into my house at 7.15 this morning to get away from his fighting parents. We live in a detached house and I could still hear his mother screaming at his Dad.

The selfishness of warring parents never ceases to amaze me.
I'm not perfect either, but I'd like to think I would let things go for the sake of my kids.


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## Maggs065 (18 Jun 2009)

To be honest I would be concerned. Wine is very strong and a couple of glasses could make a person very tipsy. 
A bottle of wine is alot for one person and does suggest a dependency.
There is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with your dinner. But slugging back wine on your own on a regular basis could lead to emotional/physical problems.

Obviously this is a tough time for her (and you of course). Maybe she needs to deal with her issues is a different way.

Lighting candles while drinking is just plain dangerous.


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## annR (18 Jun 2009)

mathepac said:


> Its interesting the number of posts that do not respond to OP’s request for help; two (to-date) have addressed themselves to OP’s perceived “control issues”, a third has initiated a criticism of my contribution based on something I never wrote and all seem ready to defend his wife’s right to drink while ignoring his concern for his daughter’s safety, the very issue he asked for help with!


 
yeah I find this interesting too.  Irish people are so defensive about drink it's unbelievable.  We have a real blind spot.  Different topic!

I too would be concerned about someone tipsy who is lighting candles with a child upstairs, but there's nothing you can do about it except keep your relationship with her as cordial as possible - that is the only way you will be able to discuss parenting with her at all.  I do think that ideally, though you're separated, you and your ex should be able to discuss parenting but that will never happen if there is animosity or accusations of unfit parenting, you will have to work with her on this.  If your concern is overwhelming in the short term you could make sure that the fire alarms in the house are working and do it in a non accusing way, perhaps under the guise of just doing a few things round the house to help her out.


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## Petal (18 Jun 2009)

I don't know the full story, but there are alarm bells ringing like mad in my head when I read all of this. I don't know what it is that people think it is ok and normal to sit alone in your house (child or no child) and drink a bottle of wine every evening and then maybe have too much to put out a candle properly. Because it is NOT. My mother was an alcoholic and I know a good few more. It's a progressive condition. It creeps up on you very slowly and you can't see it until it stares you right in the face.  OP if you get on ok with your ex's mother, then I would certainly have a word. I'm sure as a mother and grandmother she would be concerned enough to see for herself if there is a problem. I can tell you now that trying to talk with the ex about her drinking is not going to go anywhere. I would also make sure there's smoke detectors in the house your daughter sleeps in.


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## Mommah (18 Jun 2009)

Mick31 said:


> I said to my ex that this was not acceptable and that I could take my daughter overnight if she wants to have a bottle of wine; however, I was told to mind my own business, and get out of her house.
> 
> Has anyone got a view on this, advice etc...Perhaps I should get a solicitor; however, since I am paying mortgage on my own I would hardly get one.


 
There are so many oppourtunities to go off on tangents here, on alcohol etc etc.
But I think the previous posters had some good suggestions.
Ensuring smoke alarms are in house.
Maybe writing to your ex explaining that you are concerned about drinking alone and history of candles not being extinguished. Rethinking this and I feel you have already made the point to the ex...so no need to restate. She will deny, but might listen.
Maybe buy her a set of those electric candles?

You really have to ask yourself if you are really really concerned about your childrens safety or just looking to take this easy pot shot at your ex's parenting. The temptation to engage in tit-for-tat is enormous in the early stages of separation. (my parents did it for 10years, they were both convinced they had the high moral ground too, and I feel strongly it was very traumatic for their young children)

Do you think she is a good mother?
Would she really put her children at risk?
Are you going to put your children at risk of psychological trauma by hopping balls off their mother every time she puts a foot wrong?

I know I might be more careless about candles etc if I knew my in-house hubby was checking up on me....but much more careful on my own.

You love your child, you want whats best for her.
But her mother is out of your control now and you have to accept that and build a functional relationship with her.
Doing this is not going to help that, and if she is drinking out of stress, it will make it worse.
If you really believe she has a drink problem...which you don't indicate in the OP as it is "recent", "she doesn't get drunk" etc....then talk to someone who loves her and get them to deal with it.


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