# Headstones by the side of roads



## RMCF (11 Dec 2008)

Hopefully this won't come across as insensitive, but I have often wondered why exactly people decide to go through the hassle/expense of getting a headstone erected at a crash site on a road?

We usually erect headstones where people are buried not where they died.  Was trying to think, but are road fatalities the only deaths that attract this practice?

I appreciate that these deaths may be very traumatic for those left behind, but surely the exact point at which their loved ones died is not that relevant. They visit the graves like the rest of us who have lost loved ones.


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## Bubbly Scot (11 Dec 2008)

I found this practise quite strange (for want of a better word) when I moved to Ireland. I'd never seen it before. I haven't given much thought to the reasons why but I know there is a website dedicated to listing all the head stones on the side of the roads.


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## Hoagy (11 Dec 2008)

RMCF said:


> Was trying to think, but are road fatalities the only deaths that attract this practice?



There's a couple of memorials around the Blessington lake where drownings have occurred. in one case the family put up a life saving ring at the memorial.



RMCF said:


> I appreciate that these deaths may be very traumatic for those left behind, but surely the exact point at which their loved ones died is not that relevant. They visit the graves like the rest of us who have lost loved ones.



I think the spot where their loved one was last alive has a powerful attraction for relatives.


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## sandrat (11 Dec 2008)

Bubbly Scot said:


> I found this practise quite strange (for want of a better word) when I moved to Ireland. I'd never seen it before. I haven't given much thought to the reasons why but I know there is a website dedicated to listing all the head stones on the side of the roads.


 

[broken link removed]


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## boris (12 Dec 2008)

I remember a proposal by a County Councillor a few years ago to standardise these types of memorials so as to avoid outlandish ones being erected.  Also so that the public would be aware that there could be a potential risk with that stretch of road.  Nothing came of it in the end.


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## jhegarty (12 Dec 2008)

Can you imagine having one of these outside your house. I seems to be all full gravestones now.


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## BoscoTalking (12 Dec 2008)

boris said:


> I remember a proposal by a County Councillor a few years ago to standardise these types of memorials so as to avoid outlandish ones being erected.  Also so that the public would be aware that there could be a potential risk with that stretch of road.  Nothing came of it in the end.


 In NZ they have plain white crosses so if there are a few on the road you now something bad happened here for whatever reason.


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## MaryBe (12 Dec 2008)

When I see a headstone/cross at the side of the road I always bless myself and say a silent prayer for the departed and their families.  It is my opinion (and only an opinion) that the headstone/cross reminds us that some person/people suffered without warning and died before their loved ones knew and that their loved ones will continue to suffer the loss for life.


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## csirl (12 Dec 2008)

Agree with OP.

I particularly hate the joy riding death or drunk and speeding home from the pub death ones. I think they glorify this behaviour.


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## Thirsty (12 Dec 2008)

> in one case the family put up a life saving ring at the memorial.


That's the sensible approach I think - otherwise the expense of a second headstone is (to me) quite daft.  Any number of useful things could be done with the money.


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## Smashbox (12 Dec 2008)

In June a friend of mine died in a car accident.

His car veered onto a verge, crossed the road, hit a pillar and flipped over.

He was 19 years old, and his life was just snuffed out. He didnt have time to say goodbye to anyone, he was going into work on just a normal day. The council were doing road works at the site, the surface was unfinished and I'd say my friend was speeding.

He died of massive head injuries, although not instantly they have said. That pillar was like his last place to be alive. Thats where his life ebbed away, and you wonder if he had time to think about anything at that time.

Flowers, candles and mementos were left at the site. He is buried in a local graveyard, but I still visit both places to leave little things and say a prayer.

I think places like these just give a little comfort to the ones left behind. Erecting a sign or some other indicator might make people aware of just how easy life can be lost on our roads. Who knows, it might make another person to slow down and perhaps save them from the same plight.


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## MrMan (12 Dec 2008)

csirl said:


> Agree with OP.
> 
> I particularly hate the joy riding death or drunk and speeding home from the pub death ones. I think they glorify this behaviour.



in glorifying you mean if you copy our actions you too could have your very own roadside headstone?


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## MrMan (12 Dec 2008)

Kildrought said:


> That's the sensible approach I think - otherwise the expense of a second headstone is (to me) quite daft.  Any number of useful things could be done with the money.



I don't think things like useful or sensible tend to come into to grieving periods, people do what they can to help themselves get over a sudden loss and to remember the dead.


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## RMCF (12 Dec 2008)

I think we in Ireland all know too well how easily life can be lost on the roads.

Buit do we need to see headstones at the side of the road to remind us of it? I don't. 

In a lot of these cases when I see the headstones I often wonder if the person was driving too fast, was drunk driving, high on drugs or acting the eejit on the road to impress someone. 

I think people have started to erect headstones as they think its now expected of them. If I ever lost a loved one on the roads, the last thing in my mind would be to erect a stone where they crashed a car. I would have one at their grave like most would do and visit them there.


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## jhegarty (12 Dec 2008)

would you put a gravestone in the supermarket where someone died of a heart attack ?


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## truthseeker (12 Dec 2008)

There is one at the entrance of an estate where I used to live.
A teenager died there in a car accident.

The facts behind the accident are that a 13 year old stole a car and drove it at high speed while high on drugs and alcohol. Another car was leaving the estate, the 13 year old swerved, lost control of the car and it crashed. He died in the impact.

Im not saying we shouldnt feel sorry for this kid, but he is not the innocent victim of a car accident - he unfortunately brought these events upon himself.

The headstone does not indicate anything about the true facts, a casual observer would be led to believe that a poor child was unfortunately killed through no fault of his own.

I wonder how many of the other headstones at roadsides around the country mislead in a similiar way?


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## Dinny (12 Dec 2008)

People act to grief in different ways. If they want to put up a memorial let them do so. I have seen it from both sides. I lost a brother in a car accident and our family didn’t erect a memorial at the accident spot. I lost a very close friend in a motor bike accident and his sister erected a cross at the spot. Every time I drive past it, it makes me think of him. Some times I am filled with sadness but most of the time I think of the good times we had together. 

I know it is impossible for people to understand the grief that some one goes through when they loss a loved one in this type of way as I didn’t understand until it happened to me, so I think people should be allowed to make their own decision


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## MrMan (12 Dec 2008)

jhegarty said:


> would you put a gravestone in the supermarket where someone died of a heart attack ?



Ithink you know the answer to that and it doesn't detract from what people do on public roads and walkways not private property i.e supermarkets.


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## MrMan (12 Dec 2008)

> The headstone does not indicate anything about the true facts, a casual observer would be led to believe that a poor child was unfortunately killed through no fault of his own.
> 
> I wonder how many of the other headstones at roadsides around the country mislead in a similiar way?



I might be taking you up wrong but are you saying that if people knew what so and so was like or how he died they wouldn't be so quick to offer a small prayer, i would hope that people wouldn't be so hard as to not feel for anyone who died no matter how foolish they were when alive.


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## jhegarty (12 Dec 2008)

I am sure they will be banned as soon as someone is killed because their car hits a slab of granate at 100kph


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## ophelia (12 Dec 2008)

I totally agree with Dinny and others who say that people should be allowed grieve in their way. I too lost a brother tragically and even though this happened abroad I was drawn to the place where he collapsed and died; perhaps even more so than to the place his ashes lie. Its hard to explain, but it does offer some flicker of comfort in what is a terribly painful experience.


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## MrMan (12 Dec 2008)

jhegarty said:


> I am sure they will be banned as soon as someone is killed because their car hits a slab of granate at 100kph




Well the headstones I regularly see are regular sized or simple crosses and are no danger to anyone, so its safe to say that any ban isn't imminent.


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## jhegarty (12 Dec 2008)

MrMan said:


> Well the headstones I regularly see are regular sized or simple crosses and are no danger to anyone, so its safe to say that any ban isn't imminent.




I have seen quite a few solid granite headstone type now. I agree nothing wrong with the small wood cross type.


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## ophelia (12 Dec 2008)

Why would anyone be more likely to crash into solid granite headstones anymore than they would solid granite walls which are everywhere nowadays? - or telegraph poles, ditches, bridges, roadsigns, fences etc etc.


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## RMCF (12 Dec 2008)

Appreciate that people can do it if they want to, and I am sure that they have to ask for permission from some authority before they can put a headstone down.

I too have lost members of my family (not to car crashes admittedly) and would have no inclination to erect a headstone at the site of their death. Don't see why I would. Thats why I'm wondering why car crashes are any different. And the fact that a poster said that Ireland seems to be one of the only countries that does this? Personally I think that one person did it first and others thought they had to do it.


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## MrMan (12 Dec 2008)

jaybird said:


> Perhaps they are meant to be a preventative measure as well? Say if you are going down a road, maybe a little too fast, you might see the headstone and slow down a bit so the same doesn't happen to you?
> 
> I've no idea, just pondering.



I think it is preventative whether its meant to be or not, its definitely more effective than an accident black spot sign.


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## RMCF (12 Dec 2008)

MrMan said:


> I think it is preventative whether its meant to be or not, its definitely more effective than an accident black spot sign.


 
I don't think the families are erecting these for preventative reasons.

And the fact that a memorial is on the side doesn't necessarily mean that the road is particularly dangerous. Some that are close to where I live are on long, straight stretches of road or gently sweeping bends. These just tell me the person who died was either driving too fast, was a bad driver, was drunk etc. Especially those single car accidents where you can't blame a head-on.


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## rabbit (12 Dec 2008)

jhegarty said:


> I am sure they will be banned as soon as someone is killed because their car hits a slab of granate at 100kph


 
or worse still, someone off a motorbike....


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## ophelia (12 Dec 2008)

Placing headstones at the side of the road is a very Irish Traveller custom also. So many young traveller children have been killed at the side of the road that it was their way of marking the spot. They would then move out of that place within 24 hours, burning anything they didn't want to take as they considered it a jinxed site. Maybe it was their way of letting other travellers know of the sadness that occurred on that spot and warn others not to stay there. There is one of these headstones quite near my parents house where a small traveller child was killed by a car in the '80's.​


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## rabbit (13 Dec 2008)

Its very sad when anyone loses their life on the raods, especially children.   However, I wonder is planning permission not required for headstones in such places ?   If I was buying a house, and looking at several different houses which were fairly similar except one had a headstone outside it, I must be honest and say that everything else being equal  I would not be especially attracted to the one with the headstone.


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## ophelia (13 Dec 2008)

I'm sure if these were enormous great things then the council would and should object, but generally they tend to be small, unobtrusive objects, which in some very small way help a family to come to terms with tragedy, and hopefully go some way to prevent future road deaths.


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## Lauren (13 Dec 2008)

truthseeker said:


> The headstone does not indicate anything about the true facts, a casual observer would be led to believe that a poor child was unfortunately killed through no fault of his own.
> 
> I wonder how many of the other headstones at roadsides around the country mislead in a similiar way?



These headstones indicate someone died there, nothing more nothing less...The 'someone' no matter how they died was someone's son or daughter, brother, sister or friend. Its a nice custom and if anything a cross or memorial like this might remind someone to slow down or take it easy....


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## starlite68 (14 Dec 2008)

many of the older headstones have noting to do with car crashes ect, but would mark the spot where a volunteer had fallen during an ambush or something,many years ago when we were still under brittish rule.
i dont have a problem with headstones at the side of the road..anything that makes us stop and say a prayer is no harm.


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## p45 (14 Dec 2008)

I understand the reasons for putting them up but it's getting out of hand.  Some are over the top, there's one up near Woodies on the Naas Rd that is tacky, cheap and an eyesore.   Further more you could be killed trying to read it, it's such a distraction.


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## rabbit (15 Dec 2008)

p45 said:


> I understand the reasons for putting them up but it's getting out of hand. Some are over the top, there's one up near Woodies on the Naas Rd that is tacky, cheap and an eyesore. Further more you could be killed trying to read it, it's such a distraction.


true.   I think the place for headstones is in cemetries.  If everyone erected them everywhere someone died, there would not be much room for anything else, and I do not think the world would be a safer or prettier place.


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## ophelia (15 Dec 2008)

rabbit, we really shouldn't be calling these 'headstones', they are really memorials to the deceased. If they are too big then the council are not doing their job. 
However, perhaps this will be the next big thing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_bike


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## rabbit (15 Dec 2008)

I am sure the council ie the taxpayer have more than enough other things to police and worry about....it must be costly and awkward for them to police the situation , try to decide if ones are "too big" or "small enough"   and where necessary remove headstones / memorials from private or public property.  If I owned property, I would not like it erected on my property.   Why would I think I had the right to erect one - however "small"   - on property not mine ?   And what of the legal implications in case someone does crash off say a bike in to it ?  Or crash while thery are driving past looking at it ?  Or what if the property owner decides to build a new entrance where a " memorial" has been for say 10 years... maybe the person who put the memorial there owns the ground under the memorial / has the right not to have it moved ?


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## AgathaC (16 Dec 2008)

ophelia said:


> I totally agree with Dinny and others who say that people should be allowed grieve in their way. I too lost a brother tragically and even though this happened abroad I was drawn to the place where he collapsed and died; perhaps even more so than to the place his ashes lie. Its hard to explain, but it does offer some flicker of comfort in what is a terribly painful experience.


I think this post sums up the reasons why people commemorate a loved one at the place where they died. There is a cross close to where I live where a little boy died a long time ago. Any time I walk by I pause and think of him. I notice that there are often flowers placed there at different times of year so his family or friends must visit there regularly.


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## WhoAmI (18 Dec 2008)

ophelia said:


> rabbit, we really shouldn't be calling these 'headstones', they are really memorials to the deceased. If they are too big then the council are not doing their job.
> However, perhaps this will be the next big thing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_bike



I doubt it - they would probably be nicked!

Apart from that, everyone deals with grief in a different way. I don't think anyone has the right to refer to another person's way of dealing with the death of a loved one 'stupid' or 'sick' or 'crazy' any other knee-jerk remark.

Some people think they (memorials) are a good idea, some don't...


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## Mpsox (22 Dec 2008)

travelling out to Bandon from Cork on Friday night for a wedding, noticed on the side of the road a sign advertising headstones for sale!!!


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