# Friend has new job and unfriendly colleagues..what to do?



## Banking2006 (25 Jul 2007)

Just after speaking with an ex work colleague on the phone. He recently started a new job and already hates it- 3 weeks in!

The role is not his no. 1 choice but he reckons he'll make it his own in time- however, his main problem is morning and lunch time breaks!

It's a large organisation with around 600 employees and his team has about 20, mainly female. Everyone appears to go on break to the company canteen with their mate, and he's left to either skip breaks or go to places outside! He's forced himself on a few of these 'mini-groups' and would prefer not to be feeling the 'outsider'. 

Any ideas or comments would be welcome. P.s. i have advised him that i might post something on here- so hope he doesn't think i am giving too many details away.


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## Caveat (25 Jul 2007)

There could be many reasons why these people seem unfriendly.

People sometimes have a habit of 'sussing you out' before they extend the hand of friendship - it may just take a little time.  

In a large company people will be naturally ambivalent towards new faces and are probably happy to stick to their own groups - depending on the ages/maturity, I wouldn't rule out peer pressure in cases like this: people can be unwilling to be eager to welcome others for fear of ridicule or isolation themselves.

What is the general atmosphere in the place like? If it's poor, employees may be too wrapped up in their own thoughts etc to care about 'some new guy'.

I'd give it a bit of time as 3 weeks isn't that long - maybe it's appropriate for your friend to ask the question in the office outright?

e.g. "What do people usually do for lunch around here?"

Hope this helps


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## Banking2006 (25 Jul 2007)

Thanks for feedback. Much appreciated.

I get impression some people eat at their desks and others in the canteen- but he actually went a few time on his own and ended up sitting alone- think that knocked some confidence out of him

seems d place is about 15-20 mins from the shops/ restaurants outside so that puts a dampener on going out for lunch- but anyways he wud end up in a worse situation in the long run i expect if he did, as he'd have little or no chance of making acquaintences outside!

in any case, do you think 3-4 weeks is a bit early? how long should he give it? fortunately, for me i'm in my own job for 10 years!


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## PM1234 (25 Jul 2007)

I find the guys I work with tend to play football or go for a run at lunchtime. Appears to be a good way of mixing. Is he interested in team sports or are there any lunchtime activities that he could get involved in? 

Other than that I guess its just a matter of squashing the feeling of discomfort that he's intruding on people and sitting with them in the canteen.


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## Ceist Beag (26 Jul 2007)

Are there any drink nights out that he could pop along to? This way he could get chatting to some of his colleagues outside the workplace and might be a good way of getting to know them a bit better?


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## janedoe06 (26 Jul 2007)

It can be hard to "fit in " when u 're the new guy. and esp to fit into already established relationships.
Note though that although he might feel that every one has a pal. remember as well in the larger companies most of these are really only acquaintances.

I'd say see if there is a social mixing outside the workplace ie there might be  team bonding ie pub outings etc that he could go to . and also as earlier postings said there might be a sports and social club as well due to the size of the company ie 600 employees that he could join that would have poss sports activities. His manager or HR would be able to advise of that or there might be a company HR website that gives those details

3 Weeks though is'nt really enough to judge the place. if it really is that insular . Note he would have to understand that in some instances, and i dont mean all and i'm coming from a womans perspective on this, that sometimes in an all female environ. it can get fraught with emotion and maybe when he gets to know some of these so call colleagues he might see that they are not really that interesting to spend his breaks with anyway .

In my workplace here, i have been here over 5 years but i was out sick for  8 months , when i came back , most of the original crowd had left on my team in that time period, (high turnover of staff in our comp ) and i felt like the beginner the newbie when i came back too, and there were some girls that had i guess their own clique that i did'nt feel part of - ie conversations and exclusion . however i found out afterwards that they were'nt the most popular and rubbed others up the wrong way too , but no one really wanted to say it to their faces.
in the end i came in ,did the best job i can , and just because i had to put on a brave face showing i did'nt care. Now the ring leader has been promoted to another department (great !) and the group dynamics is a way better.

maybe he could have a friendly word in his managers ear, do the teams have any nights out as bonding so he can get to know the group in a more relaxed environment (poss company might pay for it ! )


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## Banking2006 (26 Jul 2007)

Hi everyone thanks for all that advice and tips. I don't know if my friend will read but i am emailing him the link. In any case, some problems- his employer is a public service that organisation- and he aint that sporty yet! I think they have a soccer team, but woukd be a bit hard i expect for him to venture to that. He's doing study for a college course also so not much free time. Some good news he texted me- he went for coffee with 2 new girls today! So by the end of the month he'll know lots of people= all he needs is 1 or 2 a day!


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## nelly (27 Jul 2007)

that would have been my suggestion - to treat the next new people as he wanted himself to be treated - call them for lunch and coffee and get to know them and when you look like you are easy going you usually are more acceptable into established groups. 
 I always find that the smokers tend to mix better than the non-smokers  and they strike up conversation  easier - so if all else fails buy him a box of ciggies


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## Gabriel (27 Jul 2007)

My advice - 

1) Suck it up.
2) Don't say anything to your manager. What are you going to say. "I can't make any friends...everyone here is really nasty"!!!!!! Please....no one wants to hear it. It's a business. Repeat point 1...

Seriously though...the above isn't meant to sound harsh. But it's obviously what the person in question needs to be doing...getting a little harder with himself.

It's completely impossible to give any other advice other than empty platitudes based on the above. Without knowing the person (maybe he's completely awkward in these situations?) or the other people (maybe they are really all vicious horrible people?) it's not something anyone can give any decent advice about.

Work is work. Treat it like that. If you make an effort and no one makes an effort back then you have a simple decision to make. Is it worth staying to further my career or should I look elsewhere to find a better work/colleague friendship balance. 

In relation to mingling I would say that it has to happen naturally. Calling someone for coffee comes after you've struck up a rapport with them. Otherwise it'll look forced. Worst thing he could do.


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## ClubMan (27 Jul 2007)

Is this person particularly young or inexperienced with the work environment or something? Sounds odd that somebody would be knocked back so easily in a situation like this.


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## annR (27 Jul 2007)

Just my tuppence worth . . . people in these big companies may look as if they have their own little groups but if they have been there for a few years they may welcome a change.  I find that after a year or two of working with a certain group of people we just all start to get a little tired of each other's company every single lunch time but are so stuck in a rut we just do the same thing every day.

All your friend can do is keep the spirits up, stay open to making some contacts, try to establish if he has anything else in common with his colleagues like football teams etc.

If he does go along to lunch and ends up feeling ignored and like the outsider, it is difficult to say whether those colleagues are just rude or whether your friend is being over sensitive.

3 weeks isn't a very long time anyway.


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## niceoneted (27 Jul 2007)

We got a new guy into our office about 2 months ago maybe not even that long ago. Now some of the guys in the office aren't the most friendly but are decent guys all the same. Problem with this guy was that he tried to be over familiar far too soon, Asking way too personal questions for my and others liking. He doesn't appear very bright and personally I don't think he is up to the job. I've tried to help him loads of times but he just keeps doing things wrong. HE has totally rubbed people up the wrong way and most people don't bother with him now. 
Just something for your friend to ponder on.


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## aishling (27 Jul 2007)

I'd give it some time, I read somewhere that it can take up to 6 months to settle into a new job...three weeks really isn't anything!


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## wavelength (29 Jul 2007)

About 5 years ago I worked in a large organization with around 600 employees, I was lucky I started with a few others on the same day so we all had each other to lean on but within my team( also of about 20) I was the only new person and there it took much longer. Initially they were polite but that was it.
As caveat said People sometimes have a habit of 'sussing you out' before they extend the hand of friendship - it may just take a little time. 
I definitely agree, at first I didn’t like it and felt they were not friendly but as time went by and I got to know them, they were very friendly and open-it just took some time. Initially these people would do their own thing for lunch but I got a new job after 6 months and by this time they would always include me and I was sad leaving. Also in large companies there are always new people and as Nelly said treat the next new people as he wanted himself to be treated - call them for lunch and coffee and get to know them. By doing this he will make friends quickly.
Also if he had a lot off friends by the end of his last job he could be comparing the two and forgetting it takes time to get to that stage.


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