# TV - Strange / funning quotes



## joejoe (5 Jul 2008)

I was watching a sky cookery programe, the chef told the veiwers that he made some "dill dough", how did he keep a straight face. Do you know anybodu else have any quotes like that?

Joejoe


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## Flexible (7 Jul 2008)

From the Eighties - Snooker Commentator " For those of you watching in Black and White - the pink ball is behind the red "


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## ninsaga (7 Jul 2008)

...or the commentary on radio - when people were ringing in saying where they would like to be buried..... one bloke said he wanted to be buried 'up to me balls in Bibi Baskin'


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## rmelly (7 Jul 2008)

*Pat Kenny:*“I’ve a text in here Des, is it true that Gavin Henson goes into Church after every game?”

*Des Cahill:*“Er, ummm (long silence), I think you’ve been had there Pat, and missed the significance of that one….”


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## joejoe (7 Jul 2008)

more more...... more


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## Complainer (7 Jul 2008)

Remember the notorious Fanny Craddock incident in the Nationwide studio with Michael Barratt as the anchorman?

On the notorious evening, Fanny Craddock was doing a cooking demonstration. Everything was live so she sets about a demonstration of making doughnuts. She gives out all the details of the ingredients and takes the doughnuts out of the oven. The camera goes back to Michael Barratt, who has to link the cooking demonstraion to the next item. He says (bear in mind that he is in the same studio as Mrs Craddock), "Mmmmmm. These smell delicious. If you try that recipe at home, I hope your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's".


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## Caveat (8 Jul 2008)

Was thinking of that Complainer - I can't see it ever being bettered. 

Dickie Davies (?) in _World of Sport_ made a right mouthful of the phrase "World cup soccer" once. Unpostable, but I'm sure you can guess.


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## TarfHead (8 Jul 2008)

US TV commentator as camera showed golfer Nancy Lopez, back to camera. bending over to place ball marker.

_"Mmmm that sure is a great hole. I played it myself many times"_


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## greenfield (8 Jul 2008)

Cricket commentary something like "the bowler is Holden, the batsmans' willie".


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## Seagull (8 Jul 2008)

greenfield said:


> Cricket commentary something like "the bowler is Holden, the batsmans' willie".


Brian Johnston on BBC - The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey.


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## Guest114 (8 Jul 2008)

I remember the fella who used to do the classified final soccer scores on BBC1 having great difficulty with the result 

"East Fife 4 Forfar 5"


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## Flexible (9 Jul 2008)

I received this email last year

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie ***** Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use *****, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"


Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!


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## Blossy (9 Jul 2008)

that has just made me laugh so out loud!!! hahaah!!!

I work in a garage in the service department, and we recieved an email passing on a message from a male caller, cancelling his appointment because something came up'
When i went in to see what he was booked for it was: 'check for poor performance'


Made me giggle all day!!  

p.s he hasnt called to rebook so guessing his 'performance'has improved since somethng came up.....hehe!


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## MandaC (9 Jul 2008)

I was getting quotes for work done a couple of weeks ago and a conversation came up about who would be there with access, etc.

Anyway, one of the lads asked me something and my reply was "I'll be there, giving it to you".  The two of them started to smirk and I was thinking to myself immature idiots, cant deal with a woman.  It was only later driving down the Naas Road that I got what they were laughing at.  I'd say they had a great laugh when I was gone.


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## Thrifty1 (9 Jul 2008)

I was in my office yesterday with the new boss. I was trying to log onto a website urgently that had been crashing a lot recently.
It started to crash again and i said with a groan
"oh God, dont go down on me now" !!!!!!

The embarrasment.


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## Jock04 (9 Jul 2008)

If it's not true it should be:

radio phone-in, prize of 2 week holiday, all you have to do is phone in with a word not in the dictionary & use it in a sentence.

After several failed attempts.............

DJ-Hallo Mick, what's your word?
Caller - Goan, spelt G-O-A-N
DJ- sure enough, it's not in the dictionary, to win the holiday now,give me a sentence with the word goan in it
Caller- goan f*ck yourself!
........quickly cut off!.........

several more failed attempts by callers later............

DJ - hallo Michael, what's your word?
Caller - SMEE, spelt S-M-E-E
DJ - excellent, no sign of that in the dictionary, so to win the holiday, give me a sentence with "smee" in it?
Caller - smee again, goan f*ck yourself!


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## greenfield (9 Jul 2008)

True because I heard it years ago on Just a minute quiz with Larry Gogan

Larry. Who is the BBC Motor Racing Commentator
Caller Oh, I know, I know, give us a clue Larry
Larry It is something you can suck (for our younger AAMers the answer is Murray Walker)
Caller I know, its Dickie Davis


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## LDFerguson (9 Jul 2008)

The funny replies to Larry Gogan's quiz are legendary.  (I say that because like most legends, they may or my not be real...)

1) Something a blind man might use?

A sword




2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?

Blue Suede Moon



3) Name the Capital of France?

"F"



4) Name a bird with a long neck?

Naomi Campbell



5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?

A burglar



6) Where is the Taj Mahal?

Opposite the dental hospital



7) What is Hitler's first name

Heil



8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)

A pig in sh*t



9) Some famous brothers

Bonnie and Clyde.



10) A dangerous race

The Arabs



11) Something that floats in a bath

Water



12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers

A horse



13) Something you wear on a beach

A deck-chair



14) A famous Royal

Mail


15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine

A bicycle with wings



16) A famous bridge

The Bridge Over Troubled Waters



17) Something a cat does

Goes to the toilet



18) Something you do in the bathroom

Decorate



19) A method of securing your home

Put the kettle on



20) Something associated with pigs

The Police



21) A sign of the Zodiac

April


22) Something people might be allergic to

Skiing



23) Something you do before you go to bed

Sleep



24) Something you put on walls

A roof



25) Something slippery

A con-man



26) A kind of ache

A fillet of fish



27) A Jacket Potato topping

Jam



28) A food that can be brown or white

A potato



29) A famous Scotsman

Jock



30) A famous Welshman

Vinnie Jones



31) Something you open other than a door

Your bowels


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## S.L.F (9 Jul 2008)

Me, Mrs. SLF and a few others were in the pub some years ago drinking pints and *Shooting the Breeze* as one does on a Friday night.

The conversation moved to gardens and how the song birds don't seem to be around as much as they used to.

So one of the lads says he puts bread out to feed the little birds, someone else said he puts rasher rinds out. We all told him he was not doing it right.

Then Mrs. SLF pipes up, "_If you put our your nuts, you get your tits_"

A very serious amount of choking on pints then a whole lot of laughter.


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## Caveat (10 Jul 2008)

To add to Liam's, again, apparently Larry Gogan:

Q "What star do travellers follow?"

A "Joe Dolan.


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