# Profession Jokes



## DavyJones (19 Sep 2008)

I have noticed that we all love to slag off other peoples professions. So I thought a thread poking fun at them would be fitting.

I'm sure I've told these before but I'll tell them again.

What do accountants use as contraception?

Their personality 


Did you hear about the new sexual position call the plumbers position?

You stay in all day and nobody comes


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## Graham_07 (19 Sep 2008)

Why do people become actuaries.....they dont have the personality to be undertakers.


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## delgirl (19 Sep 2008)

*Heaven is.....*


Where the police are British

The Chefs Italian

The mechanics German

The lovers French

and it's all organised by the Swiss



*Hell is ....*



Where the police are German

The Chefs British

The mechanics French

The lovers Swiss

and it's all organised by the Italians


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## jasconius (20 Sep 2008)

*These are some extracts from various letters sent to councils and housing associations. 
*
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall 

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2 

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat. would you please do somthing about the noise made by the man i have on top of me every night. 

The man next door has a large erection in his garden which is unsightly and dangerous. 

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the bathroom roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off. 

Please send a man with the right tool and satisfy my wife.


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## Simeon (20 Sep 2008)

There was a young plumber called Lee
 Who plumbed a young girl by th sea
  Said she "Stop your plumbing
There's somebody coming".
     Said the plumber (still plumbing), "'Tis me".


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## Caveat (20 Sep 2008)

Isn't a pity that everyone who knows how to run the country are too busy cutting hair and driving taxis?


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## DavyJones (20 Sep 2008)

One night two mates , one a GP and the other a solicitor were attending a  party when the GP was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

he  mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the solicitor and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the solicitor.

On the next morning the GP arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a €50 bill. 

That afternoon he received a €100 bill from the solicitor.


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## dem_syhp (21 Sep 2008)

There are variations on this one out there....

A project manager, a hardware engineer, and a programmer were in a car. Coming down a hill, a tyre got a puncture, the car went out of control, and a bad crash was only narrowly averted.

The project manager wanted everyone to help draw up a plan of how to fix the car and carry on.
The hardware engineer wanted to change the tyre and carry on.
The programmer wanted to go back to the top of the hill, drive down again, and see if the problem happened again.

But a slightly more geeky one....

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were on a train heading north, and had just crossed the border into Scotland.

The engineer looked out of the window and said "Look! Scottish sheep are black!"
The physicist said, "No, no. Some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician looked irritated. "There is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black."
The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one black sheep"
The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"


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## Simeon (21 Sep 2008)

Why is it that when a man talk dirty to a woman it's sexual harrassment but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 per minute?


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## AlastairSC (21 Sep 2008)

Simeon said:


> it's $3.99 per minute?



Damn, I'm paying $6.99


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## Simeon (22 Sep 2008)

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


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## jasconius (22 Sep 2008)

On the theme of writing angry letters, the following one is a reply to a complaint sent to the Revenue Commissioners (I have my doubts whether this is true bit it's very funny nonetheless) 

---------------------------------------------------------------- 
Dear Mr Ahern, 

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. 

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Revenue Commissioners have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. 

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and ****ant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". 

More likely they see you as a citizen of the Republic of Ireland, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. 

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Minister of Finance's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system." 

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. 

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. 

Please send it to us by Friday. 

Yours sincerely, 

H J Lee 
Customer Relations


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## lou2 (25 Sep 2008)

What's the difference between a nurse and a helicopter?

Not everyone has been up on a helicopter!


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## Flexible (26 Sep 2008)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his file and says,
"Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong
place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and
is let in.  Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and
flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is
a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and
says , "So, how's it going down there
in hell?" 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are  going
great. We've got air conditioning and flushing
toilets and escalators and there's no telling what
this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he  should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer
on the staff, and I'm  keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs says, "Yeah,
right. And just where the f**k are you going to get a
lawyer?"


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## DavyJones (26 Sep 2008)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers  and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

  To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named  your daughter Candy."


  He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests  itself in your child's name, Penny."


  He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."


  At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 

"Come on, Dick, let's go home."


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## Simeon (30 Oct 2008)

"Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.   The
villagers, 
seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and
started catching them. 
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they
became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. 
The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This
renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys
again.  But 
soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to
catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about
monkey catching. 
The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became
so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch
one. 
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on his behalf. 
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them
to you at 
$35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to
him for $50 each.' 
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were
monkeys 
everywhere. 
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works. "


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## Lollix (31 Oct 2008)

Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

A. A rottweiller.


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## Complainer (4 Nov 2008)

How can you tell when you have an extrovert actuary?

He's the one that stares at your shoes instead of his own shoes.


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## Caveat (4 Nov 2008)

Q: How many people work in the public sector?














A: Well, some of them maybe.

 Ah the old ones are the best.


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