# Child maintenance issue



## Dairylea (3 Jun 2021)

I’m after a bit of advice please. 

I’ve split from long term partner, we were not married. We have a young child together. He was breadwinner while I raised the children since the youngest came along. (I have young teenager also) 



I have a solicitor dealing with the legal side of things and initially child maintenance and access were something we were both in agreement with. However things have turned more difficult.... Ex left for another woman. That didn’t work out for him and recently expressed his wishes to try again with our relationship. I have no interest in that for valid reasons. 

He comes over to see our child and insists on staying the night/s (it’s his house). I’ve been going out in the afternoons to alleviate the awkwardness of the situation. I’ve refused to say where I’m going but I’m reachable by phone. I feel that it was a controlling relationship so it is important to me not to be answering to him now. This has resulted in him cutting child maintenance and being wishy washy about when he is seeing our child. It is on his terms instead of it being a mutual agreement. I’d like more structure in place. The drop in maintenance is also making an already tight budget even tougher. 
My solicitor is dealing with cohabitation redress. Should I deal with child maintenance and access on my own through court (I’ve been told it’s pretty straightforward) or do it all together with my solicitor? I’m not sure how often I should be emailing solicitor with questions like this etc. I’m receiving legal aid and I don’t want to bother him too much. Its lengthy and not sure if an increase in child maintenance would be backdated hence my worry at leaving it to tick over week by week. 

Also the issue of him staying over is concerning me with regards to my One Parent Family Payment. Could this cause problems? If they were to do an inspection it looks like he does still live here as a lot of his things are still here. 

Any input or advice much appreciated.


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## Thirsty (3 Jun 2021)

Change the locks and get a court order for maintenance.

Last time I checked child maintenance was back dated a max of six months.

From what I understand, talking to others, all court proceedings are grindingly slow at present.

For your own sake look at ways you can get more financial independence.


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## elcato (3 Jun 2021)

When you say it is his house, what do you mean ? Was it his before you met ? I'd go easy on the lock change. You have to deal with him. Loosing the rag just makes things worse so even if you feel like it just hang in there and try to stay calm. Tell him you are uneasy about staying over and want a stop put to it. If he starts saying he will call whenever he wants or any thing that makes you uncomfortable then push the button alright. Does he have a key btw ?


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## Thirsty (3 Jun 2021)

I have to disagree with @elcato

This is about taking control of your own space, not "loosing the rag".

However, it is worth stating what you want; very clearly and unequivocally.  

No "just" or "please" or "only"; write it down, practise saying it in advance.

Don't threaten or tell him you'll change the locks otherwise.

Say what you want & if it doesn't happen then take action.


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## Dairylea (3 Jun 2021)

Thanks for your input guys.

@elcato Yes he was paying a mortgage when we met. (10 years ago) When I moved in I paid half of everything until I stopped working after our child came along. His work took him overseas regularly while I looked after home and kids. This enabled him to buy investment property, clear his mortgage on the “family home”. More than half the outstanding mortgage was cleared in last few years. My name was not added to property at any stage. He pays no rent or mortgage anywhere else. 

He does have a key and I have said a few times that I’m uncomfortable with him staying over, that it’s not healthy for any of us and asked that he doesn’t. He has made it clear that he will stay when he chooses because it is his house and is thinking about moving back in. Legally he can if he chooses to at the moment. So I’m not sure that it would be legal to change the locks? He is pushing for myself and children to move out which is why I have a solicitor. 

I would like to get back into full time employment again but I could not afford rent and childcare on my own as it stands. 

@Thirsty, thanks for the suggestion on getting clear about wording etc. Currently learning about boundaries and responding vs reacting. It is helpful advice.


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## Thirsty (3 Jun 2021)

Who are you paying rent to?


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## Dairylea (3 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> Who are you paying rent to?


Nobody at the moment but if we were to move out I’d have to rent.


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## Thirsty (3 Jun 2021)

Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Start looking into getting back to work; financial independence is vital and you won't always have childcare costs.


Dairylea said:


> his house and is thinking about moving back in. Legally he can if he chooses to at the moment.



Who told you this?


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## Dairylea (3 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> Cross that bridge when you come to it.
> 
> Start looking into getting back to work; financial independence is vital and you won't always have childcare costs.
> 
> ...


My solicitor said he could and to be prepared for it.  I’ve read of divorcing couples living under the same roof too. I think it’s a similar situation although most are living together because there may be no other option. My ex is fortunate enough to have another place to live.


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## Thirsty (3 Jun 2021)

He's using this as an intimidation and controlling tactic to get his own way.

The insistence on staying overnight, using a key, apparently seeking to resume your relationship are all tactics; when you don't comply he withdraws money and affection from his child.

Time to step up @Dairylea - state what you want and make a plan, this is your life and its time to take control.

Edit to add: a landlord owns the property their tenant lives in; and likely keeps keys for it. That does not give them the right to enter or stay overnight or move in.

I don't believe you can have less rights to peacefully occupy the property than a tenant; and if push came to shove, I think you would succeed in getting an injunction.

Start by getting back to work though.


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## Thirsty (3 Jun 2021)

Dairylea said:


> divorcing couples living under the same roof too


Yes this is true - but it only works when it's by agreement & not as a controlling tactic.


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## Leo (4 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> I don't believe you can have less rights to peacefully occupy the property than a tenant; and if push came to shove, I think you would succeed in getting an injunction.


The prohibition on a landlord entering a property is covered in the Residential Tenancies Act, doesn't apply to this scenario. 

@Dairylea, it sounds like your solicitor is aware this is an issue and is taking action. They will likely be seeking a Property Adjustment Order. The general outcome is that the primary caregiver will be granted the right to live in the home until the youngest child turns 18 or 23 if in full time education. 

Changing the locks and preventing them entry is not a good idea and a breach under the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010.


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## noproblem (4 Jun 2021)

Is your (ex) partner engaging with the solicitor? Can you back up everything you're saying about him? How was maintenance being paid? He may very well say that he has no idea what you're talking about and that you suddenly want him out of his property. After all, he is staying there, sleeping there, etc, might have friends that can back up his story, we only have your version of things. Don't get me wrong, i'm not castigating you, just being the devils advocate so to speak. It's a crazy old country out there.


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## LS400 (4 Jun 2021)

As usual, I see another angle here..

Your living in his home, not with just your child that you have together, but with other children from another relationship.

What responsibility does he have to house your other children.

I dont think its as straight forward as is being made out. If my relationship broke down in these circumstances, although I have a responsibility to my own child, I dont for the other kids involved. Harsh alright, but never the less, something that needs to be said.


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## Thirsty (4 Jun 2021)

The OP is a year down this road already; it could easily be another 18 months to 2 years before anything is settled.

OP needs to take action now to stop these tactics.

The half-sibling isn't the issue here.

It's not "his" home, it's the child(ren)'s.

@Leo, whilst you are correct that the legislation in regards to tenants does not apply; my point is that the OP has a right to live in the property without interference pending the final settlement orders, in much the same way that a tenant has such rights.

OP previously posted about year ago, I think.

Re locks: whilst again @Leo Is correct from the legislation point of view, safety is far more important.


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## Leo (4 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> @Leo, whilst you are correct that the legislation in regards to tenants does not apply; my point is that the OP has a right to live in the property without interference pending the final settlement orders, in much the same way that a tenant has such rights.


Yep, they absolutely do have a right to live there, but likewise, the ex also has a right to live there in the absence of a court order. A good solicitor will most likely be successful in obtaining such an order based on what has been posted to date. Let him continue to play the games, the court will have little tolerance. 

I've witnessed the damage controlling partners can have on the other party's mental and physical health, so I certainly wish the OP the best here, and don't want to see them take a course of action that might risk their security or chances of obtaining sole rights to the property.


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## Thirsty (4 Jun 2021)

The problem @Leo is that settlement orders will likely take another 18-24 months & in the meantime the OP & the children need to be safe.

I don't believe taking action now to secure that safety will impinge on the final settlement orders.

I do believe, if the OP does not take action, the impact of the emotional and financial abuse will be huge. If that needs an injunction, then so be it.


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## Pinoy adventure (4 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> The problem @Leo is that settlement orders will likely take another 18-24 months & in the meantime the OP & the children need to be safe.
> 
> I don't believe taking action now to secure that safety will impinge on the final settlement orders.
> 
> I do believe, if the OP does not take action, the impact of the emotional and financial abuse will be huge. If that needs an injunction, then so be it.



Thirsty I don't think there is any safety concern too either the OP or child/ren.things may be difficult but it wouldn't be classed as a safety issue.


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## Thirsty (4 Jun 2021)

@Pinoy adventure - what leads you to that conclusion?


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## Pinoy adventure (4 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> @Pinoy adventure - what leads you to that conclusion?



There was no mention of any safety issues in the post.


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## Dairylea (4 Jun 2021)

noproblem said:


> Is your (ex) partner engaging with the solicitor? Can you back up everything you're saying about him? How was maintenance being paid? He may very well say that he has no idea what you're talking about and that you suddenly want him out of his property. After all, he is staying there, sleeping there, etc, might have friends that can back up his story, we only have your version of things. Don't get me wrong, i'm not castigating you, just being the devils advocate so to speak. It's a crazy old country out





Thirsty said:


> The problem @Leo is that settlement orders will likely take another 18-24 months & in the meantime the OP & the children need to be safe.
> 
> I don't believe taking action now to secure that safety will impinge on the final settlement orders.
> 
> I do believe, if the OP does not take action, the impact of the emotional and financial abuse will be huge. If that needs an injunction, then so be it.


Thank you Thirsty. I have sent off an email to my solicitor to raise these questions re locks etc. I have a safety plan in place and have support of a counsellor. 
While there has never been any physical violence it has been a controlling one.  And it still continues to be. For instance, I have been going out in the anoon while he is here but he has reacted with anger at this and asks where I’m going, who I’m meeting.  This is why he will not let me know in advance his plans on seeing his child. Anything not on his terms is met with a consequence. He can be intimidating.  It took me a long time to return paperwork to the solicitor out of fear of what I’m about to face. Solicitor in the process of issuing court proceedings re cohabitant redress to keep us in the family home. He has not yet been notified.  Ex is in a position to buy a further property and has no mortgage or rent to pay. He is in a very good financial position compared to most but would rather myself and child find a HAP rental. I gave up career so that he could pursue work opportunities around the world.


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## Dairylea (4 Jun 2021)

@noproblem yes I think I can back it up. All bills were changed from his name to mine after he left. His bank statements etc go to his new address and there would be text conversations between us about him not living here now.


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## Thirsty (4 Jun 2021)

@Pinoy adventure - based on the posts from the OP (and as always that is all we have to go on); there is clear evidence of emotional, psychological and financial abuse.

All abuse gives rise to safety concerns.


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## Thirsty (5 Jun 2021)

@Dairylea - bit of tough love coming up.

You're a year into this process, it's time to start making your own choices.

Don't give him any more headspace; get him out of the house, no more overnights.  It's summer, things are opening up again.  He can take the child out for trips / walks / days out.

If it was me, I'd change the locks & devil take the hindmost. 

You need to get back to work; I know that won't be easy when you've been out for a number of years, but you are smart and educated and you'll succeed.

OPF is still available, at a reduced rate, so part-time hours are quite achieveable.

No one else is going to get you and your children out of this; laws and courts are all fine and well but he can act the maggot for years and you can't be sitting around waiting.


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## noproblem (5 Jun 2021)

Dairylea said:


> @noproblem yes I think I can back it up. All bills were changed from his name to mine after he left. His bank statements etc go to his new address and there would be text conversations between us about him not living here now.


That's good, are you getting maintenance from the other father as well as i'm sure that's also relevant, if not why not?


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## Thirsty (5 Jun 2021)

@noproblem - in this context it isn't relevant.


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## LS400 (5 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> If it was me, I'd change the locks & devil take the hindmost.



 I think your advice is wrong.. What your proposing could inflame a situation which is totally unacceptable.

I think you need to realise that, this being a public forum, you are not having a one to one conversation with your mate down the boozer. You don’t know the circumstances and what you might encourage.

The devil may care attitude is always a safe bet when you don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s actions. Relationships are delicate, and good advice should be as balanced as can be.
Also, when your in a difficult situation, sometimes you only want to hear noise that’s comforting to your needs. Doesn’t mean it’s the right advice.

The fact it’s a public forum, means others in a similar situation who may for one reason or another not ask the question proposed, may think it’s ok to do something as daft as changing locks and-meet trouble head on.

My advice would be, in this situation, talk to a solicitor. End of.


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## Thirsty (5 Jun 2021)

@LS400 

1. OP has already instructed a solicitor.

2. Re-read my post.

3. Possible issues have already been pointed out (and with which I agreed).

4. Based on the OPs posts, and on posts from last year; I believe this is an abusive situation and the OPs safety is of concern.

5. OP has been in this position for the last year.

6. At best, getting settlement orders can take 18 months to 2 years; COVID delays are adding anything up to a year to that time frame.


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## Leo (8 Jun 2021)

Thirsty said:


> I don't believe taking action now to secure that safety will impinge on the final settlement orders.
> 
> I do believe, if the OP does not take action, the impact of the emotional and financial abuse will be huge. If that needs an injunction, then so be it.


Absolutely, and an injunction is perhaps for the best, the solicitor will advise there.

@Dairylea, don't do anything like changing locks before speaking with your solicitor. Also, ensure you have a good support network around you, you will need friends you can trust and to vent to from time to time. You need to be prepared that the controlling behaviour will continue, so think about ways that you can manage all interactions regarding the children to limit their opportunities to attempt to control you. Discuss this with your solicitor and seek their advice.


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## Dairylea (26 Jul 2021)

An update and question! 
The ex has returned to live in the property. He returned the same day that papers were served from my solicitor. He refuses to pay towards bills, stating that he will increase child maintenance to the original agreement we had in place and thinks this will take care of any additional cost of him living here.

However, he has since cancelled the child maintenance in retaliation because I went out one evening. This may change. I don’t know. 
In the mean time I am waiting on a date for a court ordered child maintenance hearing. 


Now the question,  I am in receipt of One Parent Family Payment. I feel I should notify them of him now living here but I’m fearful of how that will affect me financially. Are they likely to believe that I am actually in a worse position with him living here than before! Am i opening up a can of worms? My worry is that they stop payments.  It sounds so unbelievable that he’d move back and refuse to contribute I think! I guess I’m worried about honesty backfiring on me! Now that I write this down I do think it’s my only option really and hope for the best. Any advice/input appreciated!


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## Thirsty (26 Jul 2021)

It is not unheard of for separated couples to share the same address due to the costs of alternative accommodation.

You should advise SW of your position - however make sure you have some savings / overdraft /credit card so you can cover yourself in the event that payments are stopped temporarily.

I'll be honest, if I were in your position, I would move out completely; let him pay for bills and childcare.  In my view you are being abused.

Get a job, arrange to see the children as often as you can in the evenings and at weekends and holidays until you get the settlement issues resolved.


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## Dairylea (26 Jul 2021)

I understand your thinking there Thirsty but I am their constant and what they know. It would go against every fibre of me. I wouldn’t do it. It would devastate the children. I’m also their only legal guardian.
 Ive contemplated moving back to my home country with the children due to lack of support here and the high cost of child care/rent etc but it’s a last resort. The children deserve a relationship with their father so it really would be worst case scenario. 

I do plan on getting a part time position when the schools return in September and I’m logging everything that is happening.


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## Purple (26 Jul 2021)

@Dairylea do not, under any circumstances, move out.
AT this stage you need better advice and a more proactive role from your solicitor. 
Talk to them about seeking a protection order and getting him out of the house. It is not good for you or the children to live in such a stressful environment. 
The person in any relationship with the most power is the person who cares least. He seems to be willing to cause emotional harm to the children in order to get his way. You are allowing that to happen because you don't want the confrontation and the resulting fallout and the impact that will have on you and the children. You need to act and act now. As a woman the law and how it is interpreted is on your side. 
Don't change locks or do anything else like that. Go to court and follow the advice of your solicitor. If you don't have confidence in your solicitor then get a new one. You should also call women's aid on 1800 341 900 for advice.


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## Thirsty (26 Jul 2021)

Purple said:


> The person in any relationship with the most power is the person who cares least. He seems to be willing to cause emotional harm to the children in order to get his way. You are allowing that to happen because you don't want the confrontation and the resulting fallout and the impact that will have on you and the children. You need to act and act now. As a woman the law and how it is interpreted is on your side.
> Don't change locks or do anything else like that. Go to court and follow the advice of your solicitor. If you don't have confidence in your solicitor then get a new one. You should also call women's aid on 1800 341 900 for advice.


As always - IANAL

The difficulties here as I see are many

a. @Dairylea and her former partner did not marry and therefore the home in which she lives is not the family home under the meaning of the act.

b. There is likely to be some element of financial settlement due from the support provided by her during the time she lived at the property; that financial settlement will accrue for the time she lived there.  The legal entitlement will not change for OP moving out.  I'm not sure the OP will succeed in getting an order allowing her to continue to reside in the property until the youngest child is 18 (23).

c. The property is not jointly owned, so I believe OP needs to get a court order to prevent sale pending financial settlement.

d. I don't believe it is good advice to anyone to continue to endure abuse.

e. From previous posts, I understand that the OP is using Legal Aid; they will not be the most proactive or swift to action.  OP has not yet even got a court date for child maintenance, which is the most basic of court orders.  

f. Whilst I clearly see abuse here, I'm not sure the OP does.  Getting out of the situation will allow for much greater clarity.

g. A protection order is temporary and does not ensure the other party leaves the property, you need a barring order for that; in the absence of medical or gardai evidence, I'm not sure the OP will get one.



> As a woman the law and how it is interpreted is on your side.


This sort of statement irritates me; if the law truly was on the OPs 'side' she wouldn't still be without child maintenance after more than a year.


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## Purple (26 Jul 2021)

Thirsty said:


> As always - IANAL
> 
> The difficulties here as I see are many
> 
> a. @Dairylea and her former partner did not marry and therefore the home in which she lives is not the family home under the meaning of the act.


It's the home their child lived in and it is the home of the OP. Given the fact that they are not married the last thing they should do is move out.


Thirsty said:


> b. There is likely to be some element of financial settlement due from the support provided by her during the time she lived at the property; that financial settlement will accrue for the time she lived there.  The legal entitlement will not change for OP moving out.  I'm not sure the OP will succeed in getting an order allowing her to continue to reside in the property until the youngest child is 18 (23).


I'm not sure either but they certainly won't if they don't ask. 


Thirsty said:


> c. The property is not jointly owned, so I believe OP needs to get a court order to prevent sale pending financial settlement.


I agree.


Thirsty said:


> d. I don't believe it is good advice to anyone to continue to endure abuse.


Nor do I. Moving out won't stop the abuse.


Thirsty said:


> e. From previous posts, I understand that the OP is using Legal Aid; they will not be the most proactive or swift to action.  OP has not yet even got a court date for child maintenance, which is the most basic of court orders.


They need to push their solicitor. If there is abuse, which does seem to be the case, then that will be dealt with more swiftly.


Thirsty said:


> f. Whilst I clearly see abuse here, I'm not sure the OP does.  Getting out of the situation will allow for much greater clarity.


Agreed.


Thirsty said:


> g. A protection order is temporary and does not ensure the other party leaves the property, you need a barring order for that; in the absence of medical or gardai evidence, I'm not sure the OP will get one.


It's a temporary measure to give space and time for a longer term solution. 


Thirsty said:


> This sort of statement irritates me; if the law truly was on the OPs 'side' she wouldn't still be without child maintenance after more than a year.


For the law to work it needs you to engage with it. That didn't happen at first. 

The statement might irritate you but it's the truth. As a man who left an abusive relationship I find myself living in a small rental property with my two older children full time and the youngest half the time, while my ex lives in the large family home with the youngest (the other half of the time). I pay for the schools, holidays, grinds etc. I buy the clothes, do the washing, I've talked to my daughter about puberty, I've taught them to cook, blow-dried the hair, learned to use a sewing machine to do arts and crafts with them, the whole nine yards. She gets the children's allowance for all of them, pays no maintenance, earns as much as I do and I pay rent plus a big chunk of the mortgage. When we finally divorce she'll get a double personal tax allowance (the one both parents who divorced used to get until it was removed for the fathers). 

Tell me that would happen if I was the woman. Go on, a dare you.


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## Thirsty (26 Jul 2021)

It 'happens' to women every day of the week.

Is our family law system rubbish? Yes, absolutely. 

But going down that rat hole is of no help to the OP at this time.


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## kinnjohn (26 Jul 2021)

Purple said:


> The statement might irritate you but it's the truth.  She gets the children's allowance for all of them, pays no maintenance, earns as much as I do and I pay rent plus a big chunk of the mortgage. When we finally divorce she'll get a double personal tax allowance (the one both parents who divorced used to get until it was removed for the fathers).
> 
> Tell me that would happen if I was the woman. Go on, a dare you.


You need to read up on Alice in Wonderland.


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## Purple (27 Jul 2021)

kinnjohn said:


> You need to read up on Alice in Wonderland.


I've no idea what that means.


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## Purple (27 Jul 2021)

Thirsty said:


> It 'happens' to women every day of the week.
> 
> Is our family law system rubbish? Yes, absolutely.
> 
> But going down that rat hole is of no help to the OP at this time.


You started it by commenting on my post. I outlined my circumstances and pointed out some factual issues.
That doesn't change the fact that women are usually, literally, left holding the baby.


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## Dairylea (27 Jul 2021)

I do recognise the abuse although I struggle to say it. It is not lost on me and I am dealing with that in the background with regards to a possible safety order. It may not look like it to an outsider but to be engaging with a Solicitor is a huge step. Thank you for the Woman's Aid number Purple, I have already spoken with them too.

The Child Maintenance has been paid every week but it has been used as a way to try and assert control in the last couple of months. But I did procrastinate on sending the draft proceedings back signed because I was scared of his (ex) reaction and consequences. 
The Solicitor has put a Les Pendens in place to block any sale of the property. 

I don’t even want any money from him, no pension, personal maintenance, property adjustments etc. Not even the money I’ve put into the mortgage when I was working. All I want is the right to remain in the home until children are grown. I want stability and continuity for them through childhood. To be left alone to live my life. To be able to afford to get back to work and give them holidays and all the good things they deserve. To not be on the whim of a landlord and possibly be moving house and schools every few years.
But ex is adamant to let it go to court and let a judge decide what is fair.


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## Purple (27 Jul 2021)

Dairylea said:


> But I did procrastinate on sending the draft proceedings back signed because I was scared of his (ex) reaction and consequences


That's a very human and very understandable reaction. I procrastinated for years because of the massive blowback on the children from their mother whenever things looked like they were coming to a head. That changed when the older ones were old enough to make their own decisions and just refuse to live with her.
 The main thing you and they need is stability and you won't get that until you have a legally binding agreement in place. Remember that someone who coercively controls you will do the same to children and they are more vulnerable and more likely to be damaged by it.


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## dereko1969 (27 Jul 2021)

Dairylea said:


> I do recognise the abuse although I struggle to say it. It is not lost on me and I am dealing with that in the background with regards to a possible safety order. It may not look like it to an outsider but to be engaging with a Solicitor is a huge step. Thank you for the Woman's Aid number Purple, I have already spoken with them too.
> 
> The Child Maintenance has been paid every week but it has been used as a way to try and assert control in the last couple of months. But I did procrastinate on sending the draft proceedings back signed because I was scared of his (ex) reaction and consequences.
> The Solicitor has put a Les Pendens in place to block any sale of the property.
> ...


Don't sell yourself short, this is part of the coercive control beating you down to accept less than is fair.


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## Thirsty (27 Jul 2021)

Again, IANAL

I don't believe, even if you get an order to that effect that you will be allowed to peacefully occupy a property that your former partner views as 'his'.

Court orders are all fine and well - he will still have the ability to make your life a misery.

Yes, the law should, and generally will (eventually) issue orders, arrests, fines yada, yada. But the mills of justice grind exceedingly slow and frequently grind you down as well.

My advice is much the same; get yourself financially independent. 

Get a lump sum settlement, work full time for a year so you can get a mortgage, buy a house, and kick him out of your life.

Of course you should, and will, facilitate him seeing and building a relationship with his child.

But he will no longer control you.

You will be in charge of your own life.


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## Dairylea (27 Jul 2021)

A mortgage and place of my own would be fantastic. As a single mum of two in her 40s with a top earning capacity of probably €50k at a real push it will be difficult to secure a mortgage or find somewhere cheap enough. And as soon as I work I’m paying child care x2 which will take a good chunk off straight away.  Maybe not impossible but difficult. Would this also mean that I’d be liable to pay solicitor and court fees too and lose the legal aid?  If so then that’s another chunk gone from any potential house deposit. There are so many variables and what ifs its hard to know what the future holds though. Definitely plenty to think about.


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## Thirsty (28 Jul 2021)

@Dairylea - 

suppose you get the right of residency till your child is 18; now project forward 15 years - you've had your residency & now you have to leave.  

Where will you live? You've no financial security built up, you will be (say) 55+ years old. What then?

You need a plan.


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## Purple (28 Jul 2021)

Dairylea said:


> A mortgage and place of my own would be fantastic. As a single mum of two in her 40s with a top earning capacity of probably €50k at a real push it will be difficult to secure a mortgage or find somewhere cheap enough. And as soon as I work I’m paying child care x2 which will take a good chunk off straight away.  Maybe not impossible but difficult. Would this also mean that I’d be liable to pay solicitor and court fees too and lose the legal aid?  If so then that’s another chunk gone from any potential house deposit. There are so many variables and what ifs its hard to know what the future holds though. Definitely plenty to think about.


If you have made significant career sacrifices in order to care for a child/children then it is reasonable that the other parent makes provision for your financial future. From what you have posted they have a good income and significant assets so you should be in the fortunate position that there are assets and income to split.
It is also the case that the other parent has the right to see the child and provide a home in which that child can live when it is their time to see them. It is for the court to determine these things but you are not going to get turfed out on your ear then your child turns 18 and/or leaves full time education. 
This is certainly something that you should talk to your solicitor about.


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