# Peter Kaye joke



## ClubMan (11 Dec 2007)

_William Shakespeare _walks into a pub and the barman shouts 

_"GET OUT! YOU'RE BARD!"._


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## Purple (11 Dec 2007)

Lol


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## eiregal (11 Dec 2007)

FYI - it's _Peter Kay_ not _Peter Kaye_.


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## Caveat (11 Dec 2007)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and the barman says: "What's this - some kind of joke?"


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## ClubMan (11 Dec 2007)

eiregal said:


> FYI - it's _Peter Kay_ not _Peter Kaye_.


No - _Peter Kaye _is a mate of mine and he owns the joke.


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## efm (12 Dec 2007)

Can't beat Bill Bailey's homage to Chaucer:

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas two for the price of one.

Youtube link

Transcript link


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## Happy Girl (12 Dec 2007)

Worth reading through them!

[broken link removed]


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## Purple (12 Dec 2007)

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. 
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" 

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? 

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? 

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. 

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. 

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."


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## tallpaul (13 Dec 2007)

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court??

Annette!!

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen!!

What do you call a girl with no legs??

Noeleen!!


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## ClubMan (13 Dec 2007)

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a forest in Autumn?
_Russell_.


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## Joe1234 (13 Dec 2007)

What do you call a girl who lives between 2 houses?  

Elaine!!


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## jasconius (13 Dec 2007)

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, but can swim the length of a swimming pool?
A Clever Dick


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## Dave Vanian (14 Dec 2007)

What do you call a man with a shovel?

Doug


What do you call a man with no shovel?

Douglas


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## elefantfresh (14 Dec 2007)

> What do you call a man with no arms or legs, but can swim the length of a swimming pool?



Bob!


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## Firefly (14 Dec 2007)

Dear God


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## ClubMan (14 Dec 2007)

Firefly said:


> Dear God


No - _Bob_.


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## Westie123 (14 Dec 2007)

What do you call a Spaniard just out of hospital?

Manuel!

What do you call a Spanish fireman?

Jose!


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## elefantfresh (14 Dec 2007)

Did you hear about the Spanish fireman whos wife had twins?
Hose A and Hose B.

Argggh! That ones terrible. Sorry!


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## dicey_reilly (14 Dec 2007)

Peter Kay Questions :

    1 Why do we press harder on a remote control
 when we know the batteries are flat?

    2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
 funds" when they know there is not enough?

    3 Why does someone believe you when you say
 there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

    5 Why do they use sterilized needles for death
 by lethal injection?

    6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his
 chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

    8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
 "lisp"?

    10 What is the speed of darkness?   

    11 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you
 pack it?

    13 If the temperature is zero outside today
 and it's going to  be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

    14 If people evolved from apes, why are there
 still apes?

    15 If it's true that we are here to help
 others, what are the others doing  here?

    16 Do married people live longer than single
 ones or does it only seem longer?

    17 If someone with a split personality
 threatens to commitsuicide, is it a hostage situation?

    18 Can you cry under water?

    19 What level of importance must a person have
 before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do
 banks have branches?

    21 Why does a round pizza come in a square
 box?

    22 How is it that we put man on the moon
 before we figured out it would be a good idea to 
 put wheels on bigger suitcases
 ?

    23 Why is it that people say they "slept like
 a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

    24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it
 still called a hearing?

    25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings
 and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip,
 leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? .....
 They're still going to see you naked anyway.


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## ClubMan (14 Dec 2007)

Patient after operation: Doctor I can't feel my legs!?!?

Doctor: that's OK - we amputated your arms.


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## ClubMan (14 Dec 2007)

_Ricky Gervais_: if a problem shared is a problem halved then how do you know that a particular problem is your own and not half of somebody else's?

_David Brent: _I always put half the _CVs _that I receive in the bin because I don't want to employ unlucky people.


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## Ancutza (14 Dec 2007)

What do you call a man with twenty rabbits up his bum? 

Warren


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## Guest127 (15 Dec 2007)

Barrister to coroner;  Is there any doubt that xxx was still alive when you performed the autopsy on him? 
Coronor : 'No'
B: What basis have you for this thinking he was deceased?
C  ''His brain was sitting on a jar on my desk''
B: ''Nevertheless I  put it to you that there was a possability that he may have made a full recovery and returned to a normal life before you carried out the autopsy''
C: ''I suppose there is a possability that he could have recovered without his brain  and returned  as a barrister in the coronors court''


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## A.Partridge (17 Dec 2007)

What do you call a Kerrywoman hanging on a wall?

Muriel.


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## TripleA (17 Dec 2007)

When is a bus not a bus?

When it turns into a street


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