# Ever decreasing circles - social life contraction a normal phonomenon??



## Betsy Og (5 Jan 2011)

First off this is not a whinge, I'm quite happy with my lot, and maybe therein is a clue. Just struck me before Christmas that my social circle is a) slowing decreasing & b) mainly originating from years back.

While I generally get on well with loads of people, I'd have few close friends and with geography etc they are dispersed. Work and sport are the main ways I meet people - dont do much pubbing (none in walking distance, no public transport, babysitter stuff etc). So while plenty of acquaintances, (would like to think I'm liked -  even if on a fairly superficial level) hardly anyone to ring up for a pint. 

Its probably lack of effort on my part but in general I think fellas dont tend to keep in touch as much as girls, or dont tend to forge new friends after a certain stage. As I'm married with 2 young kids we're our own crew and maybe that makes me not bothered about going out.

So while there's no great problem to be solved, just wondering if this is a common phonomenon  ..... or am I just Billy-no-mates !!! aaargh ;-)


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## Sue Ellen (5 Jan 2011)

Betsy,

That's some handlebar on this thread - don't think any of the mods. will argue with it 

IMHO its all down to getting older and generally family commitments.  Easier and cheaper to stay at home, relax and maybe have a quiet drink.

Surely its Betsy-nomates!


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## Tintagel (6 Jan 2011)

Betsy Og said:


> First off this is not a whinge, I'm quite happy with my lot, and maybe therein is a clue.


 
Maybe your mates are similarily happy with their lot. I think we all change over time. I have lots of old friends who have gone their own way and who no longer keep in touch but when I look back I see that it was probably more me that kept in touch in the old days anyhow. You get tired of doing this after a while.


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## truthseeker (6 Jan 2011)

Well friendship takes effort and when youre nice and settled with the other half it can be easier to get into the routine of just relaxing together rather than hunting out the mates.

Think it happens to all of us, but my own friends do make efforts to get the gang together every few weeks. Im usually good at keeping in touch but when the other person doesnt bother I give up after a while - its a give and take situation.

Friends are important though - so you should try and make some effort with the ones who are special to you. Even just to hang out and have tea and chats - or is that just a girly thing?


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## Mpsox (6 Jan 2011)

It's perfectly normal, especially if you no longer live in the area where you were brought up or went to school. Personally, my own friends who I've had for years are dotted around the country. Where I now live, and where I'm not a native, I have connections and acquaintences via clubs/societies but it is difficult to develope friendships as I simply don't have the time to spend as much time with them as I did when I was in school or college.


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## Betsy Og (6 Jan 2011)

Thanks folks, kind of confirms what I thought. In a geographic sense I've bounced around Ireland a fair bit and am now settled in a new place as is my wife (though neither of us a million miles from our different home towns/parishes) - so I suppose that doesnt help. 

I think a crucial point made is the capacity to spend time with people, wife would say she hardly sees enough of me as it is (work can be long), so not easy to find all the time required to develop friendships.

Sue Ellen: Betsynomates - sounds like something on In the Night Garden !!


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## Sol28 (6 Jan 2011)

Betsy Og said:


> Betsynomates - sounds like something on In the Night Garden !!


 
You see what happens when you have children - all your conversational topics somehow end up back in their territory. Its no wonder the mates are dropping away!


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## Staples (6 Jan 2011)

I'd be the same as you in that for various reasons, I see my old friends less frequently.  For mainly family and work reasons, I think it's hard to find the time to develop new friendships.  I know of one guy who has no apparent trouble making frinds and can't live without meeting people but in my opinion, he's neglecting his home life and his dutiful wife is picking up the slack.    

I'd agree that women tend to create new friendships much easier than blokes.  I think it's because they just do it and don't ponder over whether they might be considered desperate.


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## Caveat (6 Jan 2011)

Couldn't be arsed making new friends.  If it happens so be it but I don't care either way. I have a pretty small social circle and I like it like that thanks very much. Weeks might go by and we would see nobody except for work colleagues. We're quite private I suppose but I hate when people think they can just call in to your house casually, regularly, unannounced and for no real reason. 

Basically, outside of family there are less than 10 people that I would see socially, regularly.


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## Staples (6 Jan 2011)

As a slight aside, I'd caution against getting too chummy with the neighbours just because they're handy.  While most of them are probably fine, some will come to almost regard your house as an extension of theirs.  From my experience, it can be difficult to restore a required level of privacy once it's been relinquished. 

My immediate neighbour would like nothing better than for the two of us to be "buddies" and cut each other's hedge/grass "because that's what buddies do".  On the odd occasion (e.g. kid's birthday) when he has passed the doorway, it's been difficult to dislodge him, such is his level of comfort.  On one occcasion during the Summer, he felt comfortable enough to enter barefoot.  

Sorry, I realise I've gone off on a bit of a rant and that this has moved away fro the original subject.  I feel better though.  Thanks!


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## Shawady (6 Jan 2011)

Staples , I aggree with you regards getting too chumy with neighbours just for the sake of it.
Another road we have never went down is meeting people on holidays and spending the whole time with them and visiting them after.
Maybe we are just unsociable!


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## Caveat (6 Jan 2011)

+1 Staples.

Almost 5 years at our current rural address and none of our immediate neighbours have been in our house - nor us in theirs. A wave when I see them, a few sentences when I pass them and that's it. Don't think I have spoken to any of them for more than 5 minutes at a time and on a total of maybe 6 or 7 occasions. I can't even remember all their names. Perfect.

Start as you mean to go on even if it means appearing a little cold or unfriendly. I have it down to fine art at this stage


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## michaelm (6 Jan 2011)

Betsy Og said:


> just wondering if this is a common phonomenon  ..... or am I just Billy-no-mates !!! aaargh ;-)


I think it's relatively common.  I'm a sociable recluse myself.


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## Staples (6 Jan 2011)

Shawady said:


> Another road we have never went down is meeting people on holidays and spending the whole time with them and visiting them after.


 
This is great! I thought it was just me but it's liberating to know there are others like me.

I've often heard people rant about the people they've met on holidays and with whom they've developed longer-term relationships on their return.

Personally, when I'm on hols, I try to avoid fellow-paddies like cholera.  Nothing personal but I see enough of them the rest of the year.


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## TarfHead (6 Jan 2011)

Good thread. It resonates with a lot of my experience.

I moved away from home at 19 for my first job and, after I'd settled there, went home about once a month. When I moved back to Dublin a couple of years later, a gap had emerged between me and the friends I had grown up with and has never since been bridged. After I got married and we moved a couple of post codes away, that gap has only got greater.

The people with whom I'm friendly, where I now live, are all husbands of my wife's friends and/or parents of my kids friends. More acquaintances than friends. When we moved to the area, my wife was manic about establishing a network, particular when our first child was born. In retrospect, the friends she made at that time all admit to the same desperation - at the mother and baby gatherings, there were significant efforts made to forge connections. Also, the friendships she made then, and that have sustained, have one thing in common - none of them are from the area. In parallel to them, with some overlaps, there are another identifiable group of women who are all tight with other, but who are from the area. There's no hostility or anything, rather a tacit recognition that the groups are similar but seperate.


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## Purple (6 Jan 2011)

I thought I was antisocial and unfriendly 'till I read this thread.

Thanks lads!


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## Ciaraella (6 Jan 2011)

Glad to know i'm not alone.....or rather that i am and i'm ok with it!
I'd have a small enough social circle and some people would be both friends and family ie my sister in law would be a good friend. 

If i'm honest it is laziness on my part alot of the time, i hate talking on the phone with a passion so i'd rather meet up with a friend, have a great night, go for a meal, have a great few hours chat and then maybe not meet up for a month or two.


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## thedaras (6 Jan 2011)

Staples;





> I've often heard people rant about the people they've met on holidays and with whom they've developed longer-term relationships on their return.Personally, when I'm on hols, I try to avoid fellow-paddies like cholera. Nothing personal but I see enough of them the rest of the year



I have met people on holidays over 15 years ago and they are really good friends.
They don't have to be Irish,if you know what I mean, the family we met are Scottish and  we have both visited each others families on many occasions,their daughter came to stay with us etc etc.

We also met an Irish couple seven years ago,who we are still in contact with.
I  moved house a few times and lived outside of Dublin for a few years also, I was lucky that I have friends from my old neighbourhood,over 20 years ago who we still see, I have friends from the country from the time I lived there and I have my "old" friends also and some new friends ie;known less than ten years.
I think some peoples expectations of others can at times be unrealistic.We all have to adjust to their and our new ways of life/times in their lives ,and I honestly think this is what keeps a friendship going.

If you have friends who live a distance away,make the effort to go visit them,invite them to your house for a weekend etc.

Make that call,so to speak,as the OP said, its probably a lack of effort and someone needs to be the one to reach out.

My Husband does this, he makes time to phone his friends,to send cards ,to organise time together etc..


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## DB74 (6 Jan 2011)

This is the problem with Irish society nowadays

Blow-ins coming to live in country villages and not making any realistic effort to meet the locals or integrate properly into the community

No wonder the country is gone to the dogs


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## Betsy Og (6 Jan 2011)

ah yes, an item that resonates with people, I can see this being picked up by a features type journalist at some stage


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## thedaras (6 Jan 2011)

Community's in general have or are being broken down.
Mainly due to house prices I would suggest.

Take for example a couple who have had to move very far away from where either of them grew up,they may be living in Cavan or Navan or wexford now, as this is where they could afford to buy.
They may be living in Ghost type estates.

Most of these couples,if they have job,have to commute long distances to get to work,they have to leave their homes very early and get home late.

They don't get to integrate as much as others,their kids have long days in crèches,the kids don't get to mix out on the road etc.

The couples are probably exhausted by all the travel and early hours and late nights and spend most of their weekends trying to catch up with their own family's ,kids,housework,homework etc.

I know of a couple in this situation who have a young baby,they are under enormous stress.And don't have the luxury of friends and family close to home.

So its not that everyone who moves just has to make an effort to integrate and all will be well..it depends on their circumstances .

I was lucky in that when I moved to the country ,I didn't have to commute,the kids went to the local schools and I was able to get to know the parents,plus I could afford to travel home whenever I wanted,and people could afford to travel to see us..its a whole different ball game now..sadly..


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## Caveat (6 Jan 2011)

DB74 said:


> This is the problem with Irish society nowadays
> 
> Blow-ins coming to live in country villages and not making any realistic effort to meet the locals or integrate properly into the community
> 
> No wonder the country is gone to the dogs



Are you posting this from 1920s somehow?


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## DB74 (6 Jan 2011)

Ha Ha - very good

Anyway I don't blame the Irish blow-ins as much as the foreigners

At least the Irish might give a wave you once every 3-4 weeks, and maybe at Christmas *if* they're still in their house and haven't gone "home" for the 2 weeks off work


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## truthseeker (6 Jan 2011)

DB74 said:


> .....the 2 weeks off work


 
What 2 weeks off work? Must be people in nicer jobs than me - I only managed 5 days in a row off this year - 3 of which I was snowbound for.


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## Complainer (16 Jan 2011)

Interesting thread - we'd have similar experiences in terms of socialising - it happens less, and with a smaller circle.

But our experience in our local community is different to most posters here. We live in a smallish cul-de-sac, and since having kids, we have got much closer to neighbours with kids. We're not living in each others houses, but the kids are, certainly in winter anyway. This brings with it a certain inevitable degree of integration, though the mammys are probably closer than the daddies.


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## Yorrick (16 Jan 2011)

"Blow-ins coming to live in country villages and not making any realistic effort to meet the locals or integrate properly into the community"


Its important to have integration in the community. The level of interbreeding in Irish villages is frightening.


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## Odea (16 Jan 2011)

I wonder what it is that makes a friend a friend. I have been on a number of coach trips with groups of people whose company I enjoyed but never took that friendship to the next level.  There were two couples on a coach tour around Portugal a few years back (based in Cascais) that really gelled. But everyone went their separate ways in the end.


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## Staples (17 Jan 2011)

Odea said:


> I have been on a number of coach trips with groups of people whose company I enjoyed but never took that friendship to the next level.


 
Most of those coaches are single-decker anyway.


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## Vanilla (17 Jan 2011)

Yorrick said:


> "Blow-ins coming to live in country villages and not making any realistic effort to meet the locals or integrate properly into the community"
> 
> 
> Its important to have integration in the community. The level of interbreeding in Irish villages is frightening.


 

Are you complaining about too much integration or too little?


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## Gordanus (17 Jan 2011)

heavens, I'm totally shocked. I thought BetsyOg was a middle-aged, single woman with no children.    >>>><<<<





When children are older, social life gets going again.....


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## Betsy Og (18 Jan 2011)

Gordanus said:


> heavens, I'm totally shocked. I thought BetsyOg was a middle-aged, single woman with no children. >>>><<<<  ....


 
jaysus, I dont know how to take that one, either you're extracting the urea or I'm hoping twas the name and not the contributions led you to that conclusion 

(for the record "Betsy" was the name of a backpacker car we had in Australia fado fado in 2003, & the "Og" was just to oirish it. Only last week I heard that a lot of people name their car (I dont usually) and, surprise surprise, Betsy was #1 name).


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## michaelm (18 Jan 2011)

Betsy Og said:


> (for the record "Betsy" was the name of a backpacker car we had in Australia fado fado in 2003, & the "Og" was just to oirish it. Only last week I heard that a lot of people name their car (I dont usually) and, surprise surprise, Betsy was #1 name).


My current car is called Hannah (aka. Black Betty) it even has a theme tune.


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## Firefly (18 Jan 2011)

michaelm said:


> My current car is called Hannah (aka. Black Betty) it even has a theme tune.



I call my car Betsy when I'm in trouble..a recent example was trying (in vain) to go up an icy hill in my rear-wheel drive car whilst banging on the dash....C'moonnn BETSY!!!


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## foxylady (18 Jan 2011)

Shawady said:


> Staples , I aggree with you regards getting too chumy with neighbours just for the sake of it.
> Another road we have never went down is meeting people on holidays and spending the whole time with them and visiting them after.
> Maybe we are just unsociable!


 

Well your not on your own there,me and mr Foxy are the exact same


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## Marion (18 Jan 2011)

All friendships depend on commitment at some level or other. A friend is somebody that you can rely on to be there when you may need them occasionally. If they are not - then they are not friends. They are  acquaintances.

People get tired of being the person to contact somebody all the time. I must admit - I am not always the one to do this. I am always pleased though when contacted by somebody I like even after a very long time.

With regard to neighbours: 

I have no great desire to interact with my neighbours. I couldn't possibly imagine inviting them for coffee - apart from those whom I knew beforehand and who are friends. 

I chat to them; discuss the weather, but coffee -  naw!

I found it difficult(ish) to live in a housing development first of all because that had not been my previous experience and secondly because I hadn't realised how we are compromised to an extent by where we live. 

There are those who have the children agenda; those who have the planting agenda and those who have the do-nothing and pay-nothing agenda! I think I have covered everybody there! (I am in the second category!)

I do not have any friendships with those whom I met on holiday - although I have some fantastic memories of some great and interesting people.

Each to their own! 

I enjoy my friends even if I only meet them occasionally.


Marion


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## Betsy Og (19 Jan 2011)

As regards the agendas listed - I gather the children agenda is where you want your kids to have friends and maybe as a spin off you'll be friends with their parents. This is a current topic in our gaff but my gut reaction is that its being totally overthought, we knew no-one before going to school (country area, no creches or play centres) and it didnt bother us, we made our own friends when we started school.

The system has now turned on its head where I've heard the view "If you're not friendly with the parents the kids wont be friends because its all now play dates and it depends on parents dropping kids to the houses of people they know and like". Thats just sad, bad and wrong (but is it true?, I hope not). "In my day"... (shudder, I'm not that old).. we used to cycle everywhere - I suppose from about age 7 - so it didnt matter who our parents knew or didnt know - but has stranger danger now ruled that out too???

Whats the planting agenda? Are we talking "roots" in the community?
Do nothing, pay nothing agenda? Neighbours somehow scamming you?? 

Re friendship - I agree that it takes commitment, but you also needs a) lots of common ground and b) probably some "bonding period/opportunity" where, due to some unintentional/undeliberate circumstances, you end up spending quite a bit of time with them (e.g. school, college, work mates etc., I suppose whether a holiday is sufficient time depends on how well ye got on and your respective attitudes/commitment to making new friends).


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## TarfHead (19 Jan 2011)

Betsy Og said:


> .. because its all now play dates and it depends on parents dropping kids to the houses of people they know and like". Thats just sad, bad and wrong (but is it true?, I hope not). "In my day"... (shudder, I'm not that old).. we used to cycle everywhere


 
In my experience, it's true.

And while you could be OK for your kids to cycle to a friend's house, the friend's parents may have an opposite view. And if the parents haven't connected, the offers for play dates don't arise.


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## Caveat (19 Jan 2011)

Betsy Og said:


> Whats the planting agenda? Are we talking "roots" in the community?
> Do nothing, pay nothing agenda? Neighbours somehow scamming you??


 
I didn't understand that either 

+1 Marion on the friends/acquaintance thing. The word friend is WAY overused. Most of the time they are just people that somebody "knows" - or think they know.

Probably said this before but if you have one _real_ friend you are lucky, if you have two you are blessed, if you have more than two you are most likely mistaken.


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## Betsy Og (19 Jan 2011)

Caveat said:


> Probably said this before but if you have one _real_ friend you are lucky, if you have two you are blessed, if you have more than two you are most likely mistaken.


 
Another version I heard was something along the lines of "Count your friends, starting with the best one, but stop when you reach 5".


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## PaddyW (20 Jan 2011)

Betsy Og said:


> Another version I heard was something along the lines of "Count your friends, starting with the best one, but stop when you reach 5".



I have 3, what I would call, best friends. I think that's enough for me.


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## Betsy Og (2 Dec 2015)

At the risk of suffering a "resurrection incursion", this thread was brought back to me with the news a week or two ago that "Married men have no friends". In a particularly delusional moment I thought I might be a bellwether (predictor) for the zeitgeist, but it dawned on me that it's more likely that my very ordinariness explains this phenomenon....... but of course many other Joe Soaps experience the same thing...

I still claim (in my own head) the credit for turning around Ryanair's customer service policy, I expect there's a post of mine framed in some Change Managers office ..... must get this delusional thing looked at tbh


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## Vanilla (2 Dec 2015)

Oh go on then, sure I'll be your friend. Who else is in?


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## Leper (3 Dec 2015)

. . . Yeah! . . . in my single days I could tell you what team was where in the four divisions on any given day . . . now I couldn't tell you who is leading the Premiership or even who won the Champions League . . . I'm in too.


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## Firefly (3 Dec 2015)

Betsy Og said:


> "Married men have no friends"



I'd love to be in, but the problem I have is that I have 2 kids.

The equation looks something like this:

2 Kids = (0 x Time) + (0 x Money)

So yeah, I'll be your buddy Betsy, but I can't go anywhere!!


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## Betsy Og (3 Dec 2015)

Awww....you guys....


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## Vanilla (4 Dec 2015)

Surprised there's only three of us, probably much more too bashful. After all being friends with Betsy Og is a bit of a no brainer.


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## Leper (5 Dec 2015)

. . . and with my views on real trades unionism a few more probably don't want to be associated, so let's not blame Betsy Óg here.


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## amtc (5 Dec 2015)

Let me give you another perspective. My three best friends are male. They've all got married. I haven't. At some point in the past I've dated all of them. In one case for a week twenty years ago, another was more a flirtation, the other a bit more serious but finished in 2009. In fact I attended his wedding. 

However in all cases the wives have made it very clear I am not welcome in their husbands' lives. Deleting texts and emails. Lately on a rare night out one of these men fell asleep in my spare room. I couldn't wake him so left him to sleep it off. I had a flight to get at 6.50 so off I went....he has a key to my house...he had texted her to say he was staying at mine. In the middle of checkin she arrived to check he wasn' t with me...having got a taxi from athlone!


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## Betsy Og (6 Dec 2015)

[QUOTE="Vanilla, post: After all being friends with Betsy Og is a bit of a no brainer.[/QUOTE]

With these Rochers you're really spoiling us , you're obviously a fellow 'tuck into some red wine of a Friday evening'-er 

amtc - you're off on a slightly different line but to return the favour of this thread with similar experiences, I have at various stages had "work wives" - 0% romantic element but women with whom I've worked closely, would have a laugh with, and would consider friends (so I suppose how your buddies would consider you, though without any element at all of history). In my earlier years I came out with a line oft quoted back to me "I don't have female friends, just potential sh*gs" - it was probably Ross O'Carroll Kelly inspired at the time, but whatever % truth it had back in those bravado days is long gone, this dog don't leave the porch.....


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## mtk (7 Dec 2015)

I also think social circles do decrease with age...

But not sure irish people are really that friendly either - just nosy! (I am irish) 

I also think imho posters on the thread may be self selecting ie more introverted etc.,,,  so not sure much can be taken from a less than random sample consensus on here.....


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## amtc (7 Dec 2015)

I was just on the phone to my dad....he is 78...and was discussing how big a social life my mam has..she is 67. Today she has pilates and lunch, night out in town tomorrow, spa day weds, quick overnight to uk thursday, overnight in wicklow fri, concert sat. I'd be exhausted! These are all different groups of friends only made since she went back to work when I was in university so she would've been 48ish.


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## mtk (7 Dec 2015)

Re amtc well done to your mam.. so it can be done!


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## amtc (7 Dec 2015)

mtk said:


> Re amtc well done to your mam.. so it can be done!


Ah she's a bit of a live wire...she went off to australia for three months last year without telling my dad. I was left to tell him!

But just to bring it back to the original topic my dad is of the generation where he now regrets not making time for friends. I thought one of the saddest things hit home today to me...I had offered to get stamps for christmas cards....and he asked me to get one for his only surviving brother and said it was a saving on two (my other uncle died this year) but he couldn't think of anyone else other than the barman in the local that he knew.


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## Betsy Og (7 Dec 2015)

amtc- there's a theory that retirement is like a second childhood, you have time back, nothing to lose, still plenty you could do. I look forward to it (will prob have to work till I'm 75 so minding the health!!).

mtk - its not meant to be a scientific survey, it's classic 'confirmation bias' - you are drawn to results that ring true to you (but are not necessarily true of the population as a whole). That published survey was, I presume, somewhat broader - but sure anyway isnt it a chance to "Shoot the Breeze" on an interesting topic, no-one will be prescribed anything off the back of it....bar maybe a few social coffees.....


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## Firefly (8 Dec 2015)

Sorry to put a dampner on it all,  but you really don't know how many true friends you have until something bad happens such as a bereavement or indeed financial loss. There will be those who were always around in the good times and you won't see them for dust in the bad times.


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## mtk (8 Dec 2015)

Yes confirmation bias alright betsy . I guess only risk IMHO  is it might encourage some who reads it to think social isolation is normal rather than worth tryingto change at least  !
The impact of retirement on mental health largely depends on whether voluntary or not ( adjusting for other variables such as size of pension etc ) .


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