# Party Piece



## birdy

An organisation I am involved with will shortly be having our end of year bash, and a party piece is kind of expected. 

As I don't sing,  I am stuck, am looking for a humerous poem or monologue, and can't find anything suitable. 

Does anybody have any suggestions or links where I could get something that might be suitable. 

Many Thanks


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## ClubMan

birdy said:


> a humerous poem


The arm bone is connected to the shoulder bone
Etc.


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## extopia

What kind of organisation? What's the audience going to be like? Kind of important to know this before making any recommendations. Wouldn't want to offend anyone, for example. Well, maybe not!

Another thing to bear in mind, many people who "sing" at these things don't have a note in their heads. So maybe a song would be OK after all.


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## Brianne

Heard this recited years ago at the type of party , sadly gone now I think, where all including children had to do a party piece. Depending on your voice, it raises the hair on the back of the neck.....found it recently .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZG9kP9kAiY&feature=related


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## truthseeker

Was at a wedding recently where the brides father recited an old Jim Henson piece about the Train To Morrow:

http://www.lyricsdownload.com/sesame-street-the-train-to-morrow-lyrics.html

He did it with a dramatic flair - no singing at all, just reciting, it was great!


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## Nedtastic

Murphy and the Bricks .... Might go down well at a work do ...


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## cole

ClubMan said:


> The arm bone is connected to the shoulder bone
> Etc.


 
Actually laughed out loud at that.


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## DavyJones

You could try I'm a little teapot. Used to go down a storm for me when I was 4


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## MOB

Keep it short; poke gentle fun at yourself; tell a joke;  The crowd are already merry - they don't need anything too cerebral
e.g.

I asked [name of party organiser] what was expected of me, and he told me anything at all that would get me a clap.  Well I talked this over with [spouse] and (s)he ruled that right out, so I decided to stick with telling this story.  [cue joke - just pull one from internet; keep it clean - the dead hare joke or some other oldie will do fine  ]


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## Betsy Og

Heard a funny story at a do one time, was a recital

I think it was called Seomra a hocht (or anyone who knows it would recognise it from that). 

Basically it was about a fella who got invited back to the room of a "loose woman" - being an honest to goodness lad he didnt take up the offer, but he often wondered afterwards how he'd have fared out if he took up the offer.

Its a bit old style, funny not vulgar, but not really my thing. Would you not belt out an auld dodgy rebel song or something?


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## cole

MOB said:


> Well I talked this over with [spouse] and (s)he ruled that right out


 
Is there some confusion about your spouse?


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## foxylady

What about this

            Rindercella, the dyslexic princess

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors,
emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. 
At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards.  One was
called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks.
 They were really forrible uckers and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the
Cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang and
Her  gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole
and she was a  light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking
Cuge farriage  with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig Bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by
Dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome
hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve."For suck's fake!"
yelled Rindercella as she ran out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping  her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's
door and the sugly ister let him in.  Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.  "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge.  When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success.  Their feet stucking fank.  Betty Swollocks was ducking  fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers.

This was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig
bard-on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted
pucking ferfectly.  They were married.  The hince lived his life
in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

 And they lived happily ever after...


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## Brianne

Yeah, Foxy Lady , I can see that going down well with all my elderly female relatives.....NOT!!! Very funny though.


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## foxylady

Brianne said:


> Yeah, Foxy Lady , I can see that going down well with all my elderly female relatives.....NOT!!! Very funny though.


 

If they're really old they mightnt know what your talking about


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## Brianne

Not my relatives!!!


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## MOB

cole said:


> Is there some confusion about your spouse?



Nope - Birdy's spouse.


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## Bluebells

Birdy if you give us an idea of your audience, it would be easier to think of something for you.

Brianne, thanks for the link to Robert Service. If that actually _is_ him, I'm so glad to hear what he sounded like. I love his poetry.

"Sam McGee " and another of his, " Dangerous Dan McGrew " are time honoured party pieces. 

His poem, "The Ballad Of The Northern Lights", is the only thing I've ever read that does justice to the Northern Lights. These three and so many more are in a collection called "Best Tales Of The Yukon"


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## DeeFox

On the subject of knowing your audience...I was at a wedding recently where a speech was given in which the best man said how confused he was that people were saying the wedded couple were off to Dubai on honeymoon because he thought they were staying in Ireland as the groom had told him he was going to 'Bangor' for a week after the wedding...  The silence in the room was awful - the joke went down like a lead balloon!  The moral of the story is rehearse what you are doing in front of a few people and try to keep it clean.


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## truthseeker

DeeFox said:


> On the subject of knowing your audience...I was at a wedding recently where a speech was given in which the best man said how confused he was that people were saying the wedded couple were off to Dubai on honeymoon because he thought they were staying in Ireland as the groom had told him he was going to 'Bangor' for a week after the wedding... The silence in the room was awful - the joke went down like a lead balloon! The moral of the story is rehearse what you are doing in front of a few people and try to keep it clean.


 
Couldnt agree more, I was also at a wedding where the best man revealed in his speech how his younger brother (the groom) would cadge condoms off him when going over to visit his girlfriend (the bride) and laughed about how the parents thought the two of them were just innocently babysitting. You could have heard a pin drop - mortifying.


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## MandaC

My brother in law was asked to do best man for a guy in work, who he didn't know that well.  So he was trying his best to prepare a humourous speech.  Anyway, prepared a speech and something was in it about a mullet (haircut)

On the day there was mostly older people there who had not a clue what he was  waffling on about.  When it got to the bit about the mullet, there was silence till one aul fella shouts up "is that a fish, son?"

My sister was there and had to be peeled up off the floor and brother in law mortified.
My brother in law says never again, and my sister still gets great mileage out of him over it.

My ex boyfriends company used to have a party night in Jurys.  There was one guy who used to do this song/poem thing every single year.  Aroochacha....Aroochacha....Arochachacha.....cant really remember it now, but I remember it was about as funny as a fart in a space suit and by year 3, I wanted to lynch him as did most of the other staff.


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## Caveat

Bluebells said:


> "Sam McGee " and another of his, " Dangerous Dan McGrew " are time honoured party pieces.


 
I'd be cautious about doing something like this. Nothing against them, but in my experience the opening lines of these are greeted with plenty of barely audible, uncomfortable shuffling and grunting. I think a lot people hate hearing these at this stage - particularly if they are recited with poor delivery.


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## DavyJones

My mate used to recite a poem as his thing. It is The Lake isle of inisfree. he would sit down and wait for complete silence. He then would say "I will arise and go now", with that he would stand up and walk out. short, sweet and funny, atleast it was the first two times I saw it!


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## MandaC

When we were kids out playing, we found  loose pages from a book entitled "rugby songs" blowing around on bin day (my sister and I were 9 and 7 respectively).   Every child on the road battled to get a page and we fought to get one too.  We learnt off by heart parrot fashion a crude poem, the punchline of which, was why dogs smell each others backsides when they meet.

At Christmas my Granny and Uncle Christy asked us to do a turn and we of course,  decided to recite the best poem ever entitled "The Doggies Meeting". 

Granny ended up stunned if thats what they were teaching the children at school and had to be given a few double brandy and ports and I don't think we were allowed out till the following Christmas.


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## Brianne

Came across this, may be of some use.http://www.itsbullfrog.com/


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## elacsaplau

Time to resurrect this thread.......performance expected of yours truly........I need inspiration


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## Purple

ClubMan said:


> The arm bone is connected to the shoulder bone
> Etc.


I miss Clubman...


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## Betsy Og

Have you enough time to learn the banjo?, a couple of simple tunes and leave it at that!


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## Marion

Could you do a Miggledy on it?

https://lexilogia.gr/forum/showthre...at-the-mayor-s-ball-(poem-transcription-help)

If it’s good enough for the president etc... 

Marion


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## elacsaplau

Thanks Marion,

I think some sort of funny recital is exactly what I'm looking for!


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## Firefly

One I witnessed a loong time ago:

Fella drinking a pint takes off a shoe. 
Then takes off the sock. 
Then covers the pint with his sock. 
Then drinks the pint through his sock. 
Then puts the sock back on. 
Then puts the shoe back on.


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## Purple

Firefly said:


> One I witnessed a loong time ago:
> 
> Fella drinking a pint takes off a shoe.
> Then takes off the sock.
> Then covers the pint with his sock.
> Then drinks the pint through his sock.
> Then puts the sock back on.
> Then puts the shoe back on.


Awful waste of a pint!


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## elacsaplau

Thanks but no thanks, Firefly

I think I'll file this idea along with the best man's approach as described in post 18!!


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## Vanessa

Piddling Pete is always good for a laugh


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## pat k

You could try the disappearing watch trick  as performed in the film Holy man staring Eddie murphy , def a party piece ( i would love to do )


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## geri

What about the dance of the fiery a*sehol*


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## PMU

You could perform the 'Safety Dance'.  You don't need any ability to either dance or sing.  There are loads of inspirational videos of it on YouTube and the karaoke, lyrics etc. is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GB4sWzNGFQ&list=RD4GB4sWzNGFQ&t=3. Also, if you do this, you are guaranteed never to be asked to perform a party piece again.


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## sandrat

Thought I was losing it with things being 10 years old. Tell a funny story about someone in the room or a childhood memory if it’s family in the room


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## geri

Betsy Og said:


> Have you enough time to learn the banjo?, a couple of simple tunes and leave it at that!


Or the accordion. You'll never be asked to perform  again.


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