# How to stop partner spending when in negative equity- (want advice)



## purple*rain (16 Aug 2011)

sorry sorry sorry if i am posting in the wrong forum - newbie here so please bear with me

married 15 years, married young - well i did  so 2 kids ages 15 and 14. times were so hard back in the early days, really had nothing except money to pay bills and buy food. forward on 15 years - hubby now has v decent money coming in - im on jobseekers benefit as made redundant in feb. ive managed to save €3000 from my benefits - he is screwed. He just spends and spend - never looks to the future. We have been through so much in the last 16 odd years and have always come out of it for the positive, but im at the end of my tether. I can't understand why he can't look past today and realise that money doesn't grow on trees. Just feel like b*ggering off, but like i said so much has happened in the past i'm reluctant to call it a day when i have been through so much already. Brief summary:
Mortgage: €168000
House worth approx: €139000
Savings €28000

He just spends more than he earns and i'm so worried  just don't want to be 5 years down the line from now and come a cropper because savings have gone and can't afford bills etc. Sorry for being vague, heads wrecked at the mo  shouldn't complain really as we are not behind on bills and have some put aside (all due to me) but can't help fearing the future if he doesn't stop his mad spending on stupid things..


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## Sunny (16 Aug 2011)

You might want to change the heading of the thread and I am also not sure what your question is.


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## purple*rain (16 Aug 2011)

yep, probably should change my title thread, but really am at wits end with hubbys ridiculous spending habits - question i guess i am asking it how on earth do i get someone who doesnt believe in saving, to save  im probably in the wrong place/ forum to post my fears, so please ignore me if needs be! Like i say, am new to all this and really don't have a clue! Just feel so let down that i am trying my hardest in trying times and he is just out for himself, and his needs, or so it seems to me


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## purple*rain (16 Aug 2011)

oh jeez, now i feel bad about posting my thoughts and worries, please ignore this thread, I'm sure things will work out one way or the other


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## WindUp (16 Aug 2011)

It's good to vent....but it's your husband you need to talk to


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## purple*rain (16 Aug 2011)

yep, totally agree. Need to talk to him and voice fears, just hard to pick the right moment. Must summon up courage!


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## elcato (16 Aug 2011)

I updated the thread title for you.


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## purple*rain (16 Aug 2011)

thank you!


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## LS400 (17 Aug 2011)

Can I suggest you set up a direct debit payment from his money coming in into a seperate acc. You know his income and can work out what can and should be put aside. With a dd system in place it tends to police its self. You seem switched on and are right to try to get the issue sorted.


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## Nige (17 Aug 2011)

Have you sat down with him and written out all that you spend over the year (not forgetting the incidentals like car repairs, presents, weddings, medical costs) and compare it to your income. Seeing the figures written down might scare him a bit and get him to mend his ways a little or let you take control of the finances.

Considering the ages of your children and the current rumblings about college fees, your savings won't last long if your children go to college. Your husband needs to see this.

Good luck with it.


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## bullworth (17 Aug 2011)

whats NE in the thread title mean ?


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## hastalavista (17 Aug 2011)

bullworth said:


> whats NE in the thread title mean ?



Negative Equity
Mortgage: €168000
House worth approx: €139000


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## Sue Ellen (17 Aug 2011)

Firm believer in the heavy handed approach in situations like this.  Cruel to be kind in the long run.

If the relationship is so affected that you are talking about leaving then you lay it on the line that you are taking over the handling of the family finances and he will be given an allowance for himself.


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## Knuttell (17 Aug 2011)

Whats he spending all this money on? things cant be that bad as you have 28k in savings?


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## PaddyW (18 Aug 2011)

Knuttell said:


> Whats he spending all this money on? things cant be that bad as you have 28k in savings?


 

They have 28k, but that's due to the OP, as she stated. Rather than the husband.


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## Thirsty (18 Aug 2011)

Why don't you try doing the Money Makeover (see separate thread)

There may well be ways you can save money & he can still have some of the 'luxury' items he wants.

If nothing else, writing it all down will help clarify what you want and give you a starting point to have this discussion with your husband.


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## laobhise (18 Aug 2011)

I agree with Sue Ellan, tell him that you are going to take over the finances and give him an allowance. I do this with my husband and he loves it now. When he was in work the other week everyone was talking about debts etc and not having any money and he was able to say that it didnt affect him as we had all debts paid except mortgage and that he got the same allowance every week regardless. 
Suppose not all men would like to say this but think he delighted not to have to stress about anything-he just knows that I have it covered. He is absolutely hopeless with money- when I met him he had 5 credit cards and had blown 20000 (from a redundancy) in 6 months-ridiculous behaviour and he hadnt cleared any of his debts. Certainly wasnt having any of that behaviour if we were getting married and we now have a child so baby has to come first. He has a money box for coins and saves for big items he wants in that and if he can save money from his weekly allowance then he can get the items quicker (incentive to save).


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## Mrs Vimes (18 Aug 2011)

Maybe you could print out a few of the other threads in this forum - a lot of people in serious trouble due to unexpected job loss/pay cuts/etc wishing they hadn't spent every penny they earned.

That might encourage him to let you manage the finances.

Hope you have success with changing his ways with money.


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## scwazrh (19 Aug 2011)

laobhise said:


> . He has a money box for coins and saves for big items he wants in that and if he can save money from his weekly allowance then he can get the items quicker (incentive to save).



You're speaking about your partner the same way I speak about my kids and their pocket money.If a man had said the above about his wife the issue would no longer be about money and would be about controlling his partner.


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## PaddyBloggit (19 Aug 2011)

and your helpful point is ..... ?


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## scwazrh (19 Aug 2011)

My helpful point is if you control you partners money in what is supposed to be an equal relationship , you will find that more serious problems will develop


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## PaddyBloggit (19 Aug 2011)

Perhaps the money box set up as mentioned by Laoibhse is consentual.

Some people (be they male or female) are hopeless at managing money and sometimes are grateful that somebody takes them by the hand and helps them out.

It works for Laoibhse and her hubby .... I'd be slow to accuse one of controlling the other without the fulls facts.


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## scwazrh (19 Aug 2011)

if I tried to put my wife on an allowance she would be gone .there is no way she would tolerate being treated like that , no more than I would, and I would not try to treat her like that.

But I do understand your point .


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## SarahMc (19 Aug 2011)

scwazrh said:


> My helpful point is if you control you partners money in what is supposed to be an equal relationship , you will find that more serious problems will develop


 
I think in healthy relationships, roles and tasks are allocated over time based on skillsets, talents and what one partner likes/dislikes to do. 

For example my partner does the cooking, he is much better at it, and enjoys it, and I enjoy eating the meals he prepares and not stressing over what to cook tonight. I  manage the finances, I enjoy it and am good at it. He enjoys that he doesn't have to stress about it. Neither of us is controlled by the other, and we have a very equal relationship.


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## scwazrh (19 Aug 2011)

But do you give him a money box for coins and make him save for big things??


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## scwazrh (19 Aug 2011)

My wife does the cooking because she is a chef and is brilliant at it.I clean the house because she does the cooking. I deal with banks etc but we agree our budget together. I would never tell her how much she is allowed because it's our money not mine to distribute as I see fit.


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## SarahMc (20 Aug 2011)

It seems to be that as a couple you have never addressed how to deal with money, yet you have very opposing views, you a prudent saver, him a spender. 

Other than NE you don't mention other debts, credit cards, car loans etc, so you must have saved as a family to pay for cars and holidays - how did that work? And tbh if you have managed to save a substantial sum whilst on benefits, it would indicate that he is paying most/all of the bills now.

It may be that you are carrying on as always - you the one saving for a rainy day, either out of your wages or benefits - but supported by him paying for other expenditure, but you are panicing now because of job loss, lack of security and NE.


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