# His ex has been told not to contact him but she has recently got his new number.



## kim (3 May 2010)

I have a friend with a 5 yr old son, his ex is very hard to deal with since he left her 4 yrs ago, she sent abusive texts, wrote letters to his new girlfriend and his mother and kept ringing him constantly in the middle of the night. 

Anyway he got a solicitor, went to court, has access one day a week and has him fri and sat night every second weekend and pays her €100 a week, and she was told not to contact him only through the solicitor or if it was emergency she was to ring his parents. 

Thankfully there never was an emergency and it was great for 2 yrs no contact from her.

Just recently she got his new number and is beginning to start up again, what should he do?


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## Marietta (3 May 2010)

Change his number.  Anything is better than putting up with this abuse from her all over again.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

He will probably have to do that, its so childish though and its embarrassing for him to have to go back to his solicitor over this carry on.

He knows she has had his new number for the last few weeks and he was uncomfortable with it but was prepared to accept it as long as she only phoned if it was an emergency with the child as in if he was rushed to hospital or had an accident etc etc.

Lately she started to text when the child was with him wanting him to keep him an extra night or an extra few hours etc, he has set times to pick him up and drop him back and his solicitor told him he was to stick to these and to make no  arrangements with her.

When he would not go along with her then the abuse would start. Surely he doesnt have to put up with these kind of childish tantrums if she doesnt get her own way. 

The arrangement worked great for the last two years, any changes in the days or times were made through the solicitor, I know its ridiculous that a solicitor has to be involved in them arrangements but there is no other option as she just cant be a reasonable adult about it at all. 

If he lets it continue it wont be long until she starts haunting his partner and his family.


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## niceoneted (4 May 2010)

The ex sounds unstable. Is there a chance he would look for full custody as I would be worrying for the child.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

He would love full custody, he has said  if she is not happy with the access arrangements and wants him to have him more he will take him full time and she can pay him €100 a week.

The child himself cries everytime he has to go back to her and thats very hard for him to see, I dont think he is in any immediate danger though.

Overall he is a happy child but has said many times he wants to live with his daddy, he is only 5.


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## ziltwo (4 May 2010)

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is not reply or respond to text messages or phone calls; write or call to your solicitor and instruct them to write too her solicitor; as I am assuming their is a court order and an agreement set out ect... it can be very difficult not too react; but no matter how trivial you may feel it is by way of contacting a solicitor; its the best thing you can do and also its on record.


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## doubledeb (4 May 2010)

Lots of kids that have weekend parents cry when returning to the main caregiver, I wouldn't read too much into that.  The child probably has great fun when he is there and none of the mundane trivial day to day things have to be done. Therefore he thinks that everyday would be like that, hense the "I want to live with Daddy" talk.  
I wouldn't dream of full custody unless he was in danger. Stability and consistency is the best thing for a child and after a few weeks of living with daddy no doubt the poor child would miss mummy, and want to return.
As for the ex I would say the only option is a new number.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

Thanks. Yeah its all sorted through the courts, he pays €100 a week and has him fri and sat night every second weekend and one evening a week after school.

He does'nt want the hassle of this and he doesnt want to have to bother his solicitor over something so stupid but he has no choice. 

He did'nt reply to the texts he never did and he has her texts saved.


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## Yorrick (4 May 2010)

If there is a Court Order restricting contact by the ex then she is in breach of that. He should keep a record of all contact, authorised and unauthorised, and bring it to the notice of his Solicitor.
If he doesn't it will weaken his case down the line because she will say that he didn't object.
This case could turn very nasty and if the courts see that you are complying with their orders you will be in a better position


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## kim (4 May 2010)

Doubledeb
No the child is not in any danger and I understand where your coming from, he has no intention of looking for full custody but he would have no problem having  full custody either.

She just seems to think she has a right to abuse him if she does not get her way, arrangements were always made through the solicitor and worked great but lately she tried to make arrangements herself over text and when he didnt agree to it she started the abuse.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

I dont know all the ins and outs of the court case but it was agreed by the solicitors that all arrangements would be done through them.

I dont know if the Judge actually said she cant have contact.

He has adhered to everything the court ordered any changes to arrangements that were  made were mostly made by her.


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## doubledeb (4 May 2010)

I have a brother in a similar situation, when he has a new girlfriend she snaps and calls the guards on him to say she is being harrassed when he calls to collect the kids!... when he is single she rings him for advice about her own relationship. She is bitter and twisted...8 years on...Hard situation to be in.  Thankfully the kids have their own phones so he can contact them when he likes. Once your friend is there for his son and is consistent, and doesn't entertain her calls or texts, hopefully she might get bored or move on and let him alone.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

He had great peace for the last 2 years, she used the child against him before he got the law involved, if he didnt take him on a night she wanted then she would'nt let him have him for ages, but now she knows she doesnt have that power anymore.

He is determined to get that peace back. He does not want to be involved in this carry on.


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## doubledeb (4 May 2010)

Don't be suprised.  even if there is a court order stating access arrangements she can stop the child seeing him whenever she likes.  Not fair I know, but, if he calls for his son she can say no at the door and the only power he has, is to go back to the courts again.  Basically access orders cannot be enforced.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

In fairness there is never any issue with her not allowing access since the law stepped in. I think she likes having a break too, I know I would. She just used that in the beginning probably thinking if she did that he would do as she said the next time. She is a bully.


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## doubledeb (4 May 2010)

Obviously the ex has major issues with him.  Change the number. I think there is nothing else he can do other than protection orders etc, which is a horrible road to have to go down.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

He will more than likely have to change his number, he dreads ringing his solicitor because he thinks she  will get ratty over it, she seems to think why cant they just grow up, but its not him, it his ex causing the trouble


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## babaduck (4 May 2010)

Do what my former SIL has done - set up a phone solely for contact with the ex, so they can talk/text about the child & the other parent can phone the child.  It keeps her own number confidential without closing communication & causing trouble.


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## kim (4 May 2010)

That wont work in this situation, the new phone would be innundated with calls and abusive texts she would do anything to get a response one time she even said the kid stopped breathing and was in the hospital, he rang the hospital and found out it was a lie. That is the lengths she will go to in order to get a reaction from the dad.

Thanks to all for the replies very much appreciated


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## maybemaybe (17 May 2010)

Get an access order, if one is not in place already. Maintenance is sorted, and the Access is sorted, both through the Courts. She has no reason to contact him thereafter. So, any abusive texts etc, save them for one month, and contact the Gardai. The gardai don't take things like that too lightly (despite public opinions). Also, he doesn't need a Solicitor. Tell him pop down to the District Court and ask them to proceed with the application. He will have to face the Judge etc on his own, in the courtroom, but as he is the applicant, it will be her who faces the questions, not him. He can indicate to the Judge that he feels a court order may eliminate further possible friction, and that with the maintenance and access (two main points for a child) sorted, contact can remain at a very minimal


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