# relationships and long term illness



## hwin1 (29 Apr 2010)

hi can anyone give me some advice please, when do you think it is the right time to tell your new partner you have a long term illness. I am posting this question here as I know this site has a broad spectrum of users and may include somebody who has been in this position or knows somebody who has been in this position. Any help at all would be greatly appreciated. Sorry brendan for the previous post, hope this title is more appropriate. Thanks in advance.


----------



## fizzelina (29 Apr 2010)

Could this illness affect the partner too? If so from the very outset you would have to tell them (I'm thinking here Hepatitis, HIV) If it is something that only affects you then I don't know what the right time would be.


----------



## Green (29 Apr 2010)

I would tell them from the very start.....especially if the illness could affect options in the future...


----------



## truthseeker (29 Apr 2010)

This really depends on the nature of the illness, if it is life shortening/threatening and what kind of impact it would have on the relationship itself and the new partner themselves.

I would be inclined to think that the earlier the better to tell in any case, I wouldnt blurt out on date 1 - I have 'long term illness', but I would try to bring the conversation casually round to it quite early on.

If it is something that could affect the relationship itself, like HIV for example, then I would be telling well before engaging in any practice that could risk transmission.

If it is something non communicable, but that your partner would need to know about in case their assistance is required (Im thinking perhaps epilepsy or something of that nature), then Id be telling fairly upfront.


----------



## hwin1 (29 Apr 2010)

thanks for your prompt responses, it is relapsing and remitting MS, it is not very noticable to anyone else, its my daughter who is the patient. She has been dating this guy for a while and she really likes him and they have clicked in a great way.They are both 25. She thinks he will view her differently if she tells and yet feels guilty if she doesn't tell.It is a first situation for us as you can tell. She is on injections every second day and feels if he sees the injection sites he may wonder if she is a drug user? any more comments would be appreciated, thank you.


----------



## fizzelina (29 Apr 2010)

Would you consider ringing the MS Ireland helpline and maybe someone there can give personal experiences of other MS sufferers and some advice?


----------



## truthseeker (29 Apr 2010)

Hi OP, I think she should tell him.
It must be a worry for her to be trying to hide the injection sites. Better to be upfront about it.

Look at it this way, if he runs off because of this illness, then he wasnt worth her being with - she could not tell him for a year, and still have him run off at the knowledge - when it would be a lot harder for her to take. Plus he may feel misled if he is not told early on.

The fact that its not noticable will go a long way to easing his mind on it. If he really likes her he will accept whatever there is to accept about her.


----------



## huskerdu (29 Apr 2010)

truthseeker, you just saved me a few minutes typing. Mythoughts exactly. 

If he is going to drop her becuase he does not want to be in a relationship with MS, when the faster she finds out that about him the better. 

If she waits too long, he could feel very agrieved that she is keeping a big secret from him and this could ruin their relationship .


----------



## mathepac (29 Apr 2010)

I think it is both selfish and irresponsible of your daughter not to inform her boyfriend fully of her illness. She and you know what may happen if she suffers an unpredictable relapse and to have her boyfriend in her company and in a state of ignorance is unfair to both of them and potentially dangerous for her.


----------



## Chocks away (29 Apr 2010)

She has got to be straight with him. If you were his mother, how would you view things?


----------



## ney001 (29 Apr 2010)

The fact that she is even talking about long term with him means it's a serious relationship! Give the guy some credit, he's not going to freak out because of this - I know people with MS and in a lot of cases it's really just a minor part of their lives.  It's selfish to be with someone and not be honest, no she's not lying about anything but she is omitting to tell him something which is quite important - why the lack of trust? 

Tell her to not make a big deal of it i.e no big meeting to reveal the secret don't let it build into a bigger thing then it is - she has an illness, but her life is normal and she deals with it.  Tell her to mention it to him when they are out for a walk or something - have a short little pamphlet from the MS society for him about it so he doesn't go looking up worst case scenarios on the internet. 

At a later stage if marriage/kids etc come into it then they can deal with the situation then.


----------



## hwin1 (29 Apr 2010)

thank you everyone for your advice it is much appreciated and nice to get different opinions on this subject. Yes she understands she can relapse at any time and does want to tell him but just didn't know how or when it was appropriate. I didn't look at it from his mother's point of view to be honest, that was an eye opener for me and certainly an opinion I would not have considered as I am very close to the situation. Thank you once again and any more comments and suggestions would be a great help. We are just both back from the hospital and both have today and tomorrow off so we have time to view and absorb your opinions and try and work out the best one for her.


----------



## truthseeker (29 Apr 2010)

I think ney001 made the best suggestion re the actual telling, dont make it a big deal, mention it during a casual situation, dont build it up to be something big. If it is presented as something thats just ordinary and not a big deal, that your daughter is already dealing with fine, then it wont be overwhelming for him either.


----------



## WaterWater (30 Apr 2010)

I'm kind of surprised that she hasn't actually mentioned this already. When people are getting to know each other I would have thought that it would have been dropped in to casual conversation.
The boyfriend might not have a great deal of knowledge on the subject and to be fair to him he needs to know as much about it as well before his heart is broken.


----------



## haminka1 (30 Apr 2010)

i believe she should tell him as soon as possible - it is not fair on him not to know about it as MS is definitely something that has impact on future plans /including family planning etc./. staying with someone who has a progressive illness isn't an easy decision and the man should decide whether he wants it or not, rather than resent her later on when he finds out the hard way. mind you, i wouldn't blame anyone for not being willing to risk staying with a person with MS or any other chronic illness. he might be a decent man but still not be ready to cope with the idea of caring for someone who might require an intensive and 24x7 care in future. also, it will save her a heartbreak and atmosphere of resentment from the person she thought loved her.
also, what happens if she has an attack while with him, her dizziness, slurring of words, stumbling might be easily mistaken for being drunk while she is actually only sufering from MS symptoms? it may happen during visit at his parents and the good impression has just gone down the drain if they don't know what is happening.


----------



## Cooper7 (30 Apr 2010)

I think your daughter should tell him straight away mainly for her sake because from your posts I sense that this is playing on your daughter's mind a lot (and yours) so telling him would be a huge relief for you both.

If he can't accept it then as previously posters have said, that's his loss but you are probably giving him a disservice by thinking he will take it badly. Your daugher is obviously going out with him because she likes his personality and qualities and I'm sure he will take it very well. The longer she leaves it the harder it will be for him to accept because he will be annoyed at her for not telling him before. Relationships are based on trust so she needs to tell him.

I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. You are obviously a very caring Mom!


----------



## hwin1 (30 Apr 2010)

thank you so much everyone for your opinions. he is gone to the country for the weekend with his friends so she didn't want to spoil his weekend conjuring up all sorts of images in his head and as some other poster suggested going to the internet and maybe reading the wrong information so we discussed it, she and I, and it is hard for her to tell him as she does like him a lot but she has decided to take him out somewhere quiet and bring a leaflet with her with the information relevant to her type of MS and have a long chat with him and answer any questions he has early next week. I will come back and let you all know how they got on. Fingers crossed everyone and thank you again. Hope you all have a lovely weekend.


----------



## Sue Ellen (1 May 2010)

Hope everything goes well for both of them and that he can deal with it without it affecting their relationship.  Most people reading this thread would probably say 'our thoughts are with her'


----------



## dmos87 (1 May 2010)

I really hope all goes well for her next week, my heart goes out to her! She is doing the right thing by telling him and if its a good relationship he will understand (which I think he will).


----------



## hwin1 (5 May 2010)

Hi everyone, I'm back with an update... she told him tonight and he was fine about it, he just asked what was the worst that could happen when they were out together(fainting? etc) what was the worst case scenario? then he hugged her and told her it was no big deal, she came home with a big smile, so happy and so relieved. Hope he still feels the same when he digests the info.fingers crossed. A big thank you to you all for the advice and support and the little push she needed xx


----------



## Padraigb (5 May 2010)

It's nice to read a good news story.

I hope things continue to go well for both of them.


----------



## fizzelina (5 May 2010)

Ah that's lovely, he sounds like a great guy, clearly mad about her. I'm sure it's a relief she has told him and that it's out in the open. Good luck to them both


----------



## truthseeker (5 May 2010)

Thats brilliant - Im delighted he was so nice about it - now she can just relax and enjoy young love


----------



## Cooper7 (5 May 2010)

That's fantastic! I'm delighted for your daughter and you.


----------



## dmos87 (11 May 2010)

Made me smile tonight, I'm delighted for her


----------

