# Relations with colleagues ruining my life



## Trafford (19 Jul 2007)

I don't mean to be over dramatic but I really do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown over this. I work in a "pressure cooker" atmosphere due to a number of colleagues being very high strung, abusive to others, and generally just negative people to be around. After almost 3 years of working here, the stress this has generated on to me is really taking its toll. 

For the past 3 months now I have had no relationship with any of them, and days could pass where I can't even communicate with them unless by email. I have become so irritable, which I hate as I am always a cheerful person, and am now losing sleep too. I have lost weight and really don't know who I am at this stage. My family are worried now too which has made me finally realise I need to address things.

Anyway, this isn't a health issue as I can deal with that myself. I am more wondering how to deal with things in work? I can't help thinking time off is the answer, but I don't just mean a week or 2 as I think I will need months to get back to where I was before. Will any boss understand or be sympathetic to how colleagues can literally drive you insane? My boss acknowledges the personalities and that it can be difficult but he seems to have no clue of just how bad things are.

I'm at my wits end at this stage!


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## pc7 (19 Jul 2007)

oh trafford it really sounds awful, nothing worse, we spend so much time in work its nice if you can enjoy the time, in that you get on with your colleagues. Would you look at moving to a new job?   Are they actually harrassing you - would you have a case for that? Is there a HR department that may have someone you could talk to and get advise from? Life is hard enough without dealing with crap in work. Hope it works out for you


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## Trafford (19 Jul 2007)

Thanks for the response. No, they aren't directly harrassing me and I have as little as possible to do with any of them as a means of alleviating the stress. They just constantly shout, argue, use abusive language at each other and on the phone to others. We are in an open plan office so it is impossible to not hear these things. I get so tensed up over it as I hate conflict. I'm no wuss nor am I overly sensitive, but 3 years of 60 hour weeks in this atmosphere does take its toll. 

I have been doings interviews and am constantly looking for a change so I keep telling myself it won't be forever. Minute by minute though it is torture. It's like being a child living with parents who are constantly arguing!  I really don't know where to go about it. HR perhaps? What do I say? I dont like my colleagues? I don't know how anything can make a difference. Even saying that I feel very defeatest, which I would normally not be. I'm quite a dooer but its like all of this has totally taken my energy away.


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## aircobra19 (19 Jul 2007)

Get HR or their manager to sort it out. There should be no shouting/arguing in an open plan office. Insist they take into a private area, meeting room etc. If theres no will to sort it out. Why not move job?


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## Plek Trum (19 Jul 2007)

Sorry to hear that Trafford - as pc7 said, we spend so much time and energy in work, it would be a nice bonus to actually enjoy it there. 
 Is the actual job pressurising or just your colleagues attitudes?  I joined a large multinational for a definate 'career move'.. between the ego's, the tempraments, long hours and pressure (which were certainly NOT reflected in my salary) I toiled with what to do.  Spent nights stressing about going in, dreaded Monday morning etc.  Eventually I had a quiet word with my manager and went in with a few proposals as to how we could improve my responisiblities within the dept.  It was all taken on board and implemented in a very constructive and positive manner.

Is it a matter of delegation of work for you or perhaps assertiveness? Either way, please try and envision how you would like your work day to be.  By staying quiet and emailing colleagues, you are really only giving them means by which to continue their behaviour.  Do try and get out from behind your desk and speak with them directly (if / when required). You would be amazed that by actually talking outloud gets rid of a lot of those knots (I am speaking from experience!).  

Really hope things work out - the situation will only change when *you *take action.. and you owe it to yourself to do just that. Best of luck.


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## pinkyBear (19 Jul 2007)

Hi Trafford, 
It is a shame things are so bad for you, I have had similar experience, I even went to the point of reporting it to a manager...
However things got worse for me..

My advice is move, however this is a long term suggestion. In the short term and this is the tough bit you have to remain very calm and learn the ability of "not caring about what happens in work".. 
The reason I say this is that when you are going through interviews you would be surprised at how we can bring negativity into the interview and hense not get the job...

I think you will be ok, as you are doing interviews and that in its self is a skill.... now all you need to do is to learn the art of "not caring" and "in one ear out the other"....

Unfortunatly I have expeienced the same in my previous work place (instead of others in the office being shouted at, it was me being shouted at by a guy in the office, even in front of managers..) and I know how down you can get, for the moment hold tight for another job and try and not let this get to you...

All the best..P


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## janedoe06 (19 Jul 2007)

hi there 
it is rotten however u should be able to speak to a HR about this

As in our center office there were some people who constantly cussed etc while on the phone with customers , ok they did use the mute button but everyone around us heard and ok we all understand how it can be frustrating talking with a client , but after a while it sounded like the colleague just wanted to get himself heard giving out

A quiet word was said to same person and the whole episodes stopped

U should be able to go to HR and say that the etiquitte i think its called in the office is alot more stressful because certain members of staff are constantly arguing etc
The manager should then be advised of this and it would be upto them 
i Dont see why u should have to leave 

in my job here when i came back from a long illness the atmosphere in the office changed, people who were considered sneeky prior to my time off , had reinvented themselves and were all so popular now , one particular girl had developed her own clique and would openly have conversations or talk with one of the girls here and sometimes even if there was just 3 of us in one would actually whisper , talk about been rude
Then another way of excluding , arrange lets all meet up to go to pub/etc but would opening not invite me 
Its childish i know but u know as my Sister said , u're above it , in the end bad karma comes around


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## 1308dorina (19 Jul 2007)

I feel really bad for you Trafford....there's nothing worse than not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings.....if you carry on in this atmosphere you will end up depressed.
I was in a similar situation a few years back. The manager in my office abused her authority and bullied most of the staff. She didn't annoy me too much I have to say but then she started on me and I couldn't sit back and take it. The others developed a fear of her but I am quite confrontational. I walked out of my job, rang my employer and told him what I had done. I had to meet with the manager and our directors where we both gave our sides of the story. Every member eventually had to be pulled in by directors to give their versions.
In the meantime, I found a new job but it was a long commute.....to be honest I wasn't very happy there.
Luckily for me, the manager was asked to step down from her position. Another member of staff was given the job as manager and they asked me to come back. We now all work together.....I get on great with my old manager after everything that's happened. She has finally realised that the job wasn't suited to her.
That's just my own experience. 
But the bottom line is you need to have a reason to get up in the mornings and if you're miserable in your job it will eventually get harder to make it through each day.
So my advice is to speak to senior management about this situation and if nothing can be resolved find another job that makes you happy. Maybe you need a complete career change to brighten up your life.
Good luck!


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## miselemeas (19 Jul 2007)

You do not have to put up with this. We are all entitled to a safe working environment, both physically and mentally. Stress and bullying are covered under Health and Safety and they have clear guidelines for management and staff for dealing with workplace stress. 

I suggest you take a look at the website www.hsa.ie - specific information on workplace stress is at [broken link removed]

For example, workplace Health and Safety Policy should include such topics as 

Systems are in place to enable and encourage managers to identify and manage  low morale among staff;  
The organization monitors the performance/productivity of its staff; and  
Systems are in place for employees to raise concerns about their health and  safety at work.
 
Good Luck!


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## ClubMan (19 Jul 2007)

You should not be consistently working 60 hours a week under _EU _ either. Take some time off to reflect on matters and consider how best to deal with them. I think we all go through times when work and other things get on top of us and we need to reflect and take stock. If necessary seek professional help for any medical physical/mental health matters arising.


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## Bob_tg (20 Jul 2007)

Trafford - the HR/mgt route (in my opinion) will not work.  This sounds like a crazy work enviroment - anywhere that tolerates 60-hour work weeks is crazy (that's what's happened to your colleagues....they're stressed out too!!!)

You should consider leaving there sooner rather than later, because it is obvioulsy not suiting you.  If you can take a leave of absence, try that.  If that's not an option, I would advise drop your criteria for other jobs/ or widen your search criteria/ or increase the volume of applications.  Take a pay cut.  

Don't dwell on it, though - take action (but not with HR !!). 

Anyway, good luck.

Bob


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## aircobra19 (20 Jul 2007)

Bob_tg said:


> Trafford - the HR/mgt route (in my opinion) will not work.  ....
> 
> Don't dwell on it, though - take action (but not with HR !!).
> 
> ...



Why not HR?


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## ClubMan (20 Jul 2007)

I think he means just leave.


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## aircobra19 (20 Jul 2007)

ClubMan said:


> I think he means just leave.



Seems extreme. Not ALL HR depts are useless.


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## Danmo (20 Jul 2007)

aircobra19 said:


> Seems extreme. Not ALL HR depts are useless.


 
In my experience, most of them are. They usually make the situation ten times worse if they even acknowledge there is a problem at all...

Trafford, you are not going to single-handedly change the culture there.
Chalk it up to experience and go. Is there any leave you could take in the meantime? I have been in situations like this in the past and it's awful. It affects your whole life. Focus on the future and tell yourself that this will pass. Try and visualise your ideal job and what your day will be like.....your ideal job is out there!


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## aircobra19 (20 Jul 2007)

I half agree with you.


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## money man (20 Jul 2007)

Get a ditaphone and tape the arguments / abuse etc for about 2 typical days. Bring it to management and ask them to listen to this and judge whether it is acceptable. Tell them how this working environment is making you feel. Give them a chance to deal with the issues. If things do not change bring your findings to the HSA or just walk away. Im of the opinion that no-one should just walk away from these kind of situations though and i have frequently read on this forum advice to people to just leave and get a new job. Its quite possible that they have more experience in the matter then me and may have lost cases they took against employers or feel that life is short and its not worth it. But i stood up to this type of thing before (very different situation though) and received over 20k for my trouble.


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## ClubMan (20 Jul 2007)

money man said:


> Get a ditaphone and tape the arguments / abuse etc for about 2 typical days.


Is it ethical or even legal to record people surreptitiously in this way? Could backfire...


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## Danmo (20 Jul 2007)

ClubMan said:


> Is it ethical or even legal to record people surreptitiously in this way? Could backfire...


 
I agree with Clubman. Keeping a diary of some incidents to illustrate your points might be better.


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## money man (20 Jul 2007)

Good point clubman ...maybe some of the legal eagles could clear it up? But you are just recording fact and keeping a taped record is no different to keeping a written record legally is it?


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## bleary (20 Jul 2007)

Worked in a similar enviroment-It was the constant arguments that drove me mad also despite all the huffing and long hours Things were done in such a panic they were always a mess and had to be redone. got to the stage I couldnt bear anybody in the company any more even decent sorts .
Could you afford to leave and go temping or take a short contract?Also write things down as it forces you to deal with incidents from a distance and can help
I left and it took me the best part of 18 months to get back to myself again -Working in the best enviroment now and love coming in -I wish I has just taken stress leave or quit earlier before I let it affect me that much.But i took contracts before I took this job to get over it.It really isnt like that everywhere HR were worse than useless too and this was a multinational.


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## RainyDay (20 Jul 2007)

Danmo said:


> Trafford, you are not going to single-handedly change the culture there.
> Chalk it up to experience and go.


You may well be right in practice when you say that no one person will change the culture. But perhaps not. The corollory is certainly 100% sure - if you say nothing, than nothing will change. 

I agree with advice to look for other jobs. But I think there is also a duty to bring something like to a HR director or similar, pointing out the health & safety issues involved. Make it clear that this is not an little gripe - this is an issue which could cost the money large amounts of money if not addressed.

If it is affecting your mental health, do speak to your GP.


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## aircobra19 (20 Jul 2007)

At least you could try approach HR. The worse that can happen is that you'll leave, and you'll probably end up doing that anyway. Most people who leave jobs will tell you eventually it works out for the better.


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## whackin (20 Jul 2007)

Trafford said:


> I don't mean to be over dramatic but I really do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown over this. I work in a "pressure cooker" atmosphere due to a number of colleagues being very high strung, abusive to others, and generally just negative people to be around. After almost 3 years of working here, the stress this has generated on to me is really taking its toll.
> 
> For the past 3 months now I have had no relationship with any of them, and days could pass where I can't even communicate with them unless by email. I have become so irritable, which I hate as I am always a cheerful person, and am now losing sleep too. I have lost weight and really don't know who I am at this stage. My family are worried now too which has made me finally realise I need to address things.
> 
> ...


 

Can I suggest you contact Samaritans and speak to them. You sound as if you are rather distressed and upset and you'd be surprised how talking to someone who won't push advice on you could make a difference to how you view the problem. 
(1850 609090)


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## Jaid79 (21 Jul 2007)

Trafford,

Leave, your life will be better for it.


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## buzybee (22 Jul 2007)

Trafford,

You should just leave work.  No job is worth that.  I have been in jobs before, where you had to work very hard, and see other people (in the easier sections) taking full lunch breaks & no stress.  I can understand how being in such a job can affect your whole life.  Even when you are not at work, you are probably thinking of all the work you have to do, not to mention the problems with colleagues fighting.

Another poster said to try and get another job.  This is easier said than done. It could take 6 months or a year to get another job. More damage could be done to your health by waiting for another job.  Also, if you are under such stress/pressure, it may show in interviews and you may be less likely to get another job.

I don't think widening your search/taking a pay cut is the answer to your problems.  Sometimes, you could take a pay cut and find that you still have a lot of pressure/can't fit the work into the 40 hrs. Also, prospective employers often want to know WHY you are taking a pay cut.  Telling them about the problems with this job is not an option, as (in my experience) prospective employers have no understanding about stressful workloads, long hours, bullying and periods of unemployment.

You could ask for 2 wks hols, and use this to relax, set up some interviews etc.  Or else you could leave, and go travelling for a few weeks.  Then when you return, you could tell prospective employers/agencies that you left your last job to go travelling, and that you are back now and looking for work.  In my experience, it is often easier to get work when you have no job, as you are available for an immediate start.

I would not really recommend going on sick leave unless you are very sick, as it is not nice to have this on record for future jobs.

It is all very well complaining to HR about all this, keeping notes on incidents etc, but bringing a case could be a long process.  There are no guarantees of being successful, and all this would just be prolonging the agony.

Best of luck,


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