# 'Thank You' letters



## Concert (14 Sep 2010)

Do people not send Thank you letter anymore. Suppose I must be old fashioned but I was taught to always write a thank you note whenever someone sent me a birthday present, 21st present etc.  We are now at the stage in life where we are attending a lot of Weddings etc and cant understand how the little word thank you seems to be forgotton nowadays.


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## gipimann (14 Sep 2010)

You're more likely to get a thank you post on facebook, or a "Tnk U" text!


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## RMCF (14 Sep 2010)

The last 4 presents I bought were for 2 weddings, 1 childs birthday and 1 christening.

Got 4 Thank You cards.

I thought that everyone sent Thank You cards for wedding presents. Surely?


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## Odea (15 Sep 2010)

One branch of the family with large number of kids. We got invites to 21 st's and then weddings. We sent gifts to first 3 or so of the kids and never once received a "thank you" for anything.  Now we have stopped sending gifts to the remaining children but feel a little guilty that we are tarring all children with same brush.
Even though they were young adults I think that their parents should have ensured that a thank you was sent.


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## fizzelina (15 Sep 2010)

My OH and I went for Sunday lunch to our friends' home recently and they made us a lovely meal, despite having a 6 month old baby to keep them busy, and we had a lovely afternoon together chatting. And the next day I popped a Thank You card in the post and said we'll look fwd to having them another time. I totally agree how nice it is to send and receive a thank you.


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## Caveat (15 Sep 2010)

RMCF said:


> I thought that everyone sent Thank You cards for wedding presents. Surely?


 
That's what I thought. We sent them anyway (married late 90s).

I thought weddings and funerals were more or less immune to trends of etiquette/lapses of formality etc.

I'd ask the ones who don't bother with a thank you note - would they have been miffed if they didn't receive proper invitations to weddings on other occasions? because I'm sure they did. 

Basic reciprocity and good manners then, never mind being casual or modern about it.


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## Mrs Vimes (15 Sep 2010)

How long ago were these weddings? I have noticed that where it used to be (in the late 90s or so) that cards were sent within about 6 weeks of the date it's now considered ok to send them within a year. Not sure why it changed but I saw a thread on boards (I know) saying that a year was the norm.
Sybil


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## Mucker Man (15 Sep 2010)

My wife recently had twins and we sent Thank You cards to all the gift givers, and I was surprised by the amount of people who commented on getting the cards, and that they never receive Thank you cards anymore. I thought is was the norm to thank someone for a present.


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## Yorrick (15 Sep 2010)

It might be the norm for people with a bit of manners but for the others they wouldn't know what manners are


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## boris (15 Sep 2010)

Mrs Boris gets very upset when she doesn't get thank you cards. Even went to the point that when a cousin of hers, who doesn't send cards, had her second child that no kiddies present was sent due to not getting a thank you for the first one.


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## Aurnia (16 Sep 2010)

Was at 7 weddings in last 4 yrs, though one this yr early summer was an extended family do so it was a family group present that the mam organised.

The rest:
Wedding 1, mid 06 got a thank you card, though it was an afters, I bought something small
Wedding 2, mid 07, not sure got a card, though it was an afters but two of us clubbed into buying something. I know the groom better in this case.
Wedding 3 late 07 and got a thank you card. 
Wedding 4, this time 2 yrs ago and got a thank you card. 
Wedding 5, nearly this time a year ago and *no* thank you card.
Wedding 6, a month ago, no thank you card yet.

Most would know each other socially or at least to see.

Don't get on with no 4 anymore. 4, 5 and 6 know each other and 5 was a delibrate lack of manners due to the falling out of no 4 and a couple of other things, as she's into her etiqutte ala "Mrs Bouquet" or so she thinks. And she has handgiven others a card in my presence, the day I gave present (the wedding was abroad so within 2 weeks I had present with me when next meeting, wasn't the only one either but they opened 2 or 3 sets of presents in front of everyone - so not the done thing) so it was a snub. 
I've more manners in my little finger. 

I've moved on as they say. I get on with 3 and see her the most.

2-6 weeks is the norm, not a year.
http://ourmarriage.com/html/thank_you_cards.html
"wedding gifts within two weeks after returning from the honeymoon.
Wedding gifts arriving in advance of the wedding, should be responded to immediately, so that an extended period of time does not pass between receiving the gift and it's thank you."

http://entertaining.about.com/cs/etiquette/a/thankyou.htm
"The current guidelines for wedding gift thank you notes are that the notes should be sent within three months of receipt of gifts. However, given the potential monumental task that would pose to the bride and groom after their honeymoon, it makes sense to send notes out as soon as gifts are received (often wedding gifts are sent prior to the wedding date)."

http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Wedding_Thank_You_Notes
"While it’s acceptable to send it up to three months after the big day, it’s best to do it within two weeks of returning from your honeymoon. After that, people will start wondering if you didn’t like their gifts."

My mam gets always upset about these things especially on some of the cousin's and their kids on presents - especially when they were young. I get her point too. It doesn't take much for a card or even a thank you phone call if a card is too much for some people to spend. I call them miserly, lazy, full of their own importance and shallow.

I've learned to weed those who don't out of my life..


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## Caveat (16 Sep 2010)

Mrs Vimes said:


> but I saw a thread on boards (I know) saying that a year was the norm.


 
A YEAR !?! 

Ridiculous. I can't see how that isn't simply lazy and bad manners.
If you are going to thank someone - why the hell wait??


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## DB74 (16 Sep 2010)

I think people make too much of a big deal out of little things like whether they get thank you cards after giving a wedding gift or not.

The bride and groom have probably spent thousands on their wedding as it is - so what if they don't thank every single guest for giving a gift.


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## fizzelina (16 Sep 2010)

My sister-in-law had gone to the expense of getting thank you cards printed up and just never bothered sending them and I know my Mum was embarassed for ages bumping into people she knew gave a gift but never got a card. And yes I know my brother could have wrote them but he didn't and the sister in law just hadn't grown up to understand the importance of saying thank you. 
WRT they spent thousands on a wedding and so what if they don't thank you - well the guests spent money too, in some cases new outfits, travel costs, paying hotel and gift and drink so yes they should be thanked for making the effort to go and for giving a gift.


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## remey (16 Sep 2010)

DB74 said:


> I think people make too much of a big deal out of little things like whether they get thank you cards after giving a wedding gift or not.
> 
> The bride and groom have probably spent thousands on their wedding as it is - so what if they don't thank every single guest for giving a gift.


 
Are you serious? The guests probably spent hundreds on the day. And maybe a couple of hundred as a present. Its very cheeky, bad mannered, rude etc not to acknowledge it!
I'd accept a thank you email which is free if the poor bride & groom couldnt gather up the money for a pack of cards in easons & some stamps!


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## pixiebean22 (16 Sep 2010)

"The bride and groom have probably spent thousands on their wedding as it is" - I'll only answer that in relation to personal experience. 

My brother is the only one of my siblings who is married. He got married 2 years ago and nobody got thank you cards. I know for a fact that my brother and his new wife received enough money in gifts to cover the cost of the wedding. My family is huge, there was about 300 guests at the wedding. Many members of the family travelled from abroad, some from as far away as Dubai, when you make a trip like that thank you cards are something simple to show that your presence was appreciated. 

I on the other hand, I send thank you cards for everything. I'm kind of anal about it   My godparents send me a birthday card and Christmas card every year without fail (eventhough I'm getting on now) and I always send them a thank you text shortly followed by a thank you card.  It's just manners.

People shouldn't just presume that because they're getting married, christening a child etc that they are entitled to presents, in fact given people out of work, paycuts etc etc I would be even more inclined to send a thank you card nowadays.


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## DB74 (16 Sep 2010)

Fair enough, fair enough. The point about the expenditure wasn't very well made in hindsight.

I just don't think it's worth getting worked up about

I think there is a bit of an obsession with cards and linking them with etiquette and sending them for every little occasion.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I didn't get a thank you card for a present. But I seem to be in the minority.


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## JP1234 (16 Sep 2010)

DB74 said:


> Wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I didn't get a thank you card for a present. But I seem to be in the minority.



it doesn't bother me hugely for things like weddings etc but for things like birthday money I think it is simply polite to acknowledge.  We each have a nephew who turned 18 in Late June/Early July, they both live in the UK. We sent "my" nephew card and money by registered post and he took the time to call me to say Thanks, plus I got a text of him later the same day. The other Nephew, we did the same, plus sending his mother a small gift for her birthday at the same time, mid September and we are still waiting for any kind of acknowledgement! ( we know it arrived as we got the delivery confirmation). That is just plain rudeness.

Personally I used to love writing thank you letters and I have always made sure my son either wrote or phoned to say Thank You


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## Ceist Beag (16 Sep 2010)

I think the idea of sending thank you cards for things like christening presents is a bit too much, personally I prefer to ring the people in person and thank them rather than sending a card. But for some things that's not practical (such as weddings) so in that case sending cards makes more sense - but not doing anything to thank people is definitely rude and ungrateful in my book.


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## BOXtheFOX (16 Sep 2010)

Aurnia said:


> .
> 
> I've learned to weed those who don't out of my life..


 
Crikey!  What happens if they don't buy a round when it's their turn...


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## Aurnia (16 Sep 2010)

BOXtheFOX said:


> Crikey! What happens if they don't buy a round when it's their turn...


 
Hah. 
In this case, I spent hundreds as wedding was abroad - flights, accomadation, clothes, drink & food plus a present. And when I was struggling last yr.
A simple thank you would be nice. It's plain rude not to formally say thank you. 

There is a longer story, some of which I removed and some I won't go into.

But part of the crux and to put it this way, would you still be friends with people who only see money as status, who are or were last yr insenstive to people on pay cuts or trying to clear debts, or unemployed by blogging where they just been or going to or just bought when others can't do the same etc. I know people got to live and not everyone has been affected but there is no need to broadcast everything.
And who can't be bothered to send card/text/mail/phone call to formally say thanks. And who can't be bothered to ring/text/mail to ask how a sick member of the family is the past while or how you are doing when you'd do it for them? And that it's always about them? And when you do run into them at another wedding after no contact for 8 mths, no mention of oh forgot to send card or how's things. As you can imagine it was a bit stilted. 
Nah. 

Celtic Tiger cubs they are and thank god this recession is here - might put a few manners on the ungrateful and selfish. I'm too long in the tooth for the BS. I'm outta there, have better friends of my own age.


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## ophelia (17 Sep 2010)

I think it's really bad when people don't make an effort to say 'thanks' for a nice gift for any occasion. I also find it ridiculous when parents end up saying thanks for their adult children when it is the children who got the present. I gave someone a Debs present and to the same lady I also gave a nice 21st birthday present - not a word or a text of thanks; Mammy met me on the street though on both occasions and said 'thanks' from ------ !


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## Caveat (17 Sep 2010)

Agree 100% Aurnia but...



> I'm outta there, have better friends of my own age.


 
...don't really understand this part - is it significant?


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## DB74 (17 Sep 2010)

Aurnia said:


> But part of the crux and to put it this way, would you still be friends with people who only see money as status, who are or were last yr insenstive to people on pay cuts or trying to clear debts, or unemployed by blogging where they just been or going to or just bought when others can't do the same etc. I know people got to live and not everyone has been affected but there is no need to broadcast everything.


 
No-one is forced to read a blog and people shouldn't have to stay quiet about what they are spending just because others haven't got money. Why shouldn't they tell people? Real friends would be glad for them. Sorry but it just sounds like jealousy and begrudgery.


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## Caveat (17 Sep 2010)

I would say Aurnia has been hurt and is venting a bit. Of course people shouldn't have to be quiet about certain things but the main point is



> people who only see money as status


 
If this part is accurate, I can see how she would be upset at the other aspects.


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## fizzelina (17 Sep 2010)

DB74 said:


> No-one is forced to read a blog and people shouldn't have to stay quiet about what they are spending just because others haven't got money. Why shouldn't they tell people? Real friends would be glad for them. Sorry but it just sounds like jealousy and begrudgery.


 +1. If I put on my FB page "off to (insert fancy holiday destination here)" would my friends think it was bad form and that I should stay quiet about it?? Eh no they wouldn't. Like Caveat I agree Aurnia has probably just been hurt. She is sensitive about her money situation so thinks they are being insensitive. Are those people actually seeing money as status or is she wrong on that who knows. I don't agree putting on a blog/FB your holiday destination is seeing money as status.


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## liaconn (17 Sep 2010)

DB74 said:


> Fair enough, fair enough. The point about the expenditure wasn't very well made in hindsight.
> 
> I just don't think it's worth getting worked up about
> 
> ...


 
To be honest, a lot of people worry that the bride and groom or whoever didn't realise they gave a present if a thank you card isn't sent and worry the label might have come detatched.  I think that's an important reason to acknowledge receipt of a gift.


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## Complainer (17 Sep 2010)

liaconn said:


> To be honest, a lot of people worry that the bride and groom or whoever didn't realise they gave a present if a thank you card isn't sent and worry the label might have come detatched.  I think that's an important reason to acknowledge receipt of a gift.


Absolutely - particularly when a gift might well have been given to the best man or a family member. You want to know that it has reached its destination.


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## AgathaC (18 Sep 2010)

JP1234 said:


> but for things like birthday money I think it is simply polite to acknowledge.


I agree. I dont expect cards for every occasion but I definitely don't think it is too much to expect a simple 'thank you' text for birthday presents, or Christmas presents, for example.


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## Aurnia (19 Sep 2010)

Complainer said:


> Absolutely - particularly when a gift might well have been given to the best man or a family member. You want to know that it has reached its destination.


 
Which is why a card is always inserted with the gift ad then a tag on bag/wrapper


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## Aurnia (19 Sep 2010)

Caveat said:


> Agree 100% Aurnia but...
> 
> ...don't really understand this part - is it significant?


 
Yes and no I suppose. I'm a good few yrs older than some people I thought as were good friends. I've several groups of friends - the particular crowd I'm mentioning are for the most part younger than myself.



Caveat said:


> I would say Aurnia has been hurt and is venting a bit. Of course people shouldn't have to be quiet about certain things but the main point is
> 
> If this part is accurate, I can see how she would be upset at the other aspects.


 
Yes venting just a tad but yep they did see money and items as status. Not how I was brought up. Different set of values. 

Took the recession and lowering of my salary to realise this.



DB74 said:


> No-one is forced to read a blog and people shouldn't have to stay quiet about what they are spending just because others haven't got money. Why shouldn't they tell people? Real friends would be glad for them. Sorry but it just sounds like jealousy and begrudgery.


 
You don't know me or them, so you can't be sure.

Was on blogs in the good times things changed last year.
I removed myself from mine and their blog - not on blogs anymore - best thing ever. Wasn't ever on FB nor will I ever be.

Not jealous and not begrudery.
However I don't think it's wise to blog (and it's not just fancy places) to people. 
I might buy things but I don't need or have the compulsion to share it with the world. I never have and this was something that I over looked at time but always annoyed me about their blogs. 
I know the value of money and I Iike nice things too, I know what I can afford but I don't broadcast it. It's not how I was raised.

Keeping up with the Jones's and living beyond our means has got us where we are. 

I've copped onto myself when others and myself were going through pain, the others didn't have that bit of sensitivity - it's not just hols, it's other stuff. 
I have a few friends who are unemployed, who know them and 1 also removed herself away from this group - sadly away from me too.

Yes hurt from people I thought as friends, who over recession have found out are false friends, who told me to go to Mabs - for 2-3k in total credit card bill and to sell hard earned possesions when all I needed was to stop spending (which I did and cleared it!) when it was clocked up mostly while keeping up with some of them just before the world went mad here - would have been alright upto that point.

If they want have a lifestyle which for is/was for the main part all show (that's fine, different people have different idea's of what is acceptable debt - anything over 500 on my card, I do a freaker) - it's not how I was brought up. 
I wasn't spoilt but I wasn't lacking for anything when growing up in a normal average family.
I'm also public service and got that thrown into my face quite a few times when they are in financial sector and as of yet not affected. And it's not like they are of the upper social scene - we all earn roughly the same - well me a bit less now.

Then they don't enquire for the last 9 mths how I'm doing when a member of my family is ill. That lack of concern (which was there up to the wedding) and the lack of thank you card for their wedding present was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I have money, enough to keep my going, a roof over my head (mortgage) and bills paid on time, and no debts to speak off. At least till budget day! 

So am I sensitive on money - no. Am I living within my means - yes for the most part and always did except for a 6 mth period relapse. Am I wiser than last year - yes. Do I know who my real friends are - yes.

Anyway enough on me - this was about thank you letters. And not sending or formally saying thank you for wedding and big celebrations is plain rude. End of.


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## thesimpsons (20 Sep 2010)

Aurnia said:


> Which is why a card is always inserted with the gift ad then a tag on bag/wrapper


 

but that doesn't tell you that the intended recipient got the present.  

why is it seemly so hard for people to have basic good manners and thank people for a present.  I really am shocked at amount of people who think its ok not to say thanks for quite often substantial (in my eyes anyway) wedding gifts.


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