# Accountancy 'joke'?



## simplyjoe (14 Aug 2007)

2 accountants go for a job interview. First accountant is asked 'whats 9 by 9'. He replies '81'. Second accountant asked 'whats 9 by 9'. He replies 'what do you want it to be'. Who do you think got the job?


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## DrMoriarty (14 Aug 2007)

The one with the larger, ehm, bosom?


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## efm (14 Aug 2007)

DrMoriarty said:


> The one with the larger, ehm, bosom?


 
Nah - the guy whose daddy plays golf with the CFO


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## Graham_07 (15 Aug 2007)

Prefer this one :-

Young accountant starts job in office with old accountant. Every day the old accountant takes a battered envelope out of his drawer, removes a sheet of wrinkled paper looks in it, smiles, & puts its back in the drawer. Young accountant wonders what pearl of wisdom is in the envelope. Old accountant retires and young accountant gets his desk. First day in , he opens drawer, takes out envelope , removes paper and looks at it - 

" Debits in the column by the window"
" Credits in the column by the filing cabinet"


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## Betsy Og (15 Aug 2007)

Debit the receiver, credit the giver.

All debits are assets or expenses, all credits are gains or liabilities.


Accountacy gold in them there words..........


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## Graham_07 (15 Aug 2007)

Betsy Og said:


> Debit the receiver, credit the giver.
> 
> All debits are assets or expenses, all credits are gains or liabilities.
> 
> ...


 
back in the stone age when I was studying was told "AID." Asset Increase Debit. Everything else works from there, ADC LIC LDD. 

PS whats black & brown and looks good on an accountant......... 
.......... a Rottweiler.


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## Betsy Og (15 Aug 2007)

How can you recognise an extraverted accountant?
He's the one who stares at your shoes when talking to you.


How do you recognise an auditor?
He's the one who arrives after the battle to bayonet the wounded.


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## Graham_07 (15 Aug 2007)

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because thats what they did in the file last year. 

Why do some people become auditors?
Because they haven't the personality to be undertakers.

Whats the definition of a good tax accountant?
The one with a loophole named after them.

Whats an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.

PLease will someone start on solicitors & auctioneers !!!

FInally, never forget that Creditors have a better memory than Debtors .


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## mf1 (15 Aug 2007)

Solicitor Joke

A ship wrecked solicitor clinging to the wreckage and being swept away from the  desert island. His only chance: swim to shore but wait- man eating sharks prowl and snap between him and the shore. He has no chance. If he swims they'll eat him. If he stays, he'll die of thirst. He swims. Miraculously, the sharks part and let him swim through to safety. Why?  Professional Courtesy. 

Boom Boom. 

mf


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## Betsy Og (15 Aug 2007)

surely there must be a solicitor one about "awaiting instructions"

In my humble experience when things start to get complex on a transaction, or whatever issue, theres bound to be a solicitor somewhere who sends a letter telling you they are awaiting instructions - lest there be any implication that they might contribute to a solution to the issue.


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## Gordanus (15 Aug 2007)

Is there ANY profession that doesn't have jokes made about them?  I guess the more hated to profession, the more jokes..........(but are there any estate agent jokes?)


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## Purple (15 Aug 2007)

Gordanus said:


> ..........(but are there any estate agent jokes?)


 Is selling houses really a profession?


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## ninsaga (15 Aug 2007)

I liked the Monthy Python song in the Meaning of Life....

"It's fun to charter an accountant,
And sail the wide accountan-cy.
To find, explore the funds offshore,
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy.

It can be manly in insurance.
We'll up your premium semi-anually.
It's all tax-deductible,
We're fairly incorruptible.
We're sailing on the wide accountan-cy."


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## RedStix (16 Aug 2007)

Solicitor Joke

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a solicitor.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "€7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a cheque in the post for €7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: €150


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## RedStix (16 Aug 2007)

> but are there any estate agent jokes?


 
An estate agent parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. 

More than a little distraught, the estate agent grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the estate agent starts screaming hysterically: 

"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined, it'll simply never be the same again!" 

After the estate agent finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody estate agents are," 

"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." 

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the estate agent. 

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The estate agent looks down in absolute horror.......... 

"Oh No !!!!!! he screams 

"Where's my Rolex ????..."


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## Thirsty (16 Aug 2007)

Only an estate agent would wear a watch on the right arm!  

Time for an engineer joke....

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.


One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"  
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


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## Gordanus (16 Aug 2007)

That wasn't an engineer joke! that was a lawyer joke in disguise!


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## Thirsty (16 Aug 2007)

Rats! I've been rumbled!  

Ok...here's another one...specially for parents and with apologies to Dr. Seuss


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot it and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
and you have to flash your memory and you want to RAM your ROM,
quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.


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## Megan (17 Aug 2007)

3 nuns
There were three nuns in the church. Two were crying - one was laughing. The preist walked up two a crying one  and said why are you crying the nun said I killed some one, the priest said go drink from the holy water.  He went up too the 2nd crying nun and said why are you crying she said I stole a car and he told her to drink from the holy water too. Then he went up to the laughing nun and said why are you laughing she said I peed in the holy water font.


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## so-crates (19 Aug 2007)

some real engineer jokes...
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a 
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with 
these guys?" "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor 
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with
him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our 
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free 
anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so
sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, 
"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if
there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't
these guys play at night?"

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like 
both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they 
will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can
go to the lab and get some work done." 

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An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer
rides up on a shiny XS11. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked 
the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you
want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit.

-------------------------------------------------------------------


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## Jaid79 (20 Aug 2007)

Purple said:


> Is selling houses really a profession?


 
That is funny but its not a joke


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## Ruam (16 Apr 2008)

What do accountants use for contraception?

Their personalities.


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## Betsy Og (16 Apr 2008)

I've noticed that accountant bashing is becoming more widespread.

Talk show host Eamon Keane was on about some woman he was going out with and the finish of the story was  "....... and she ended up marrying an accountant ... go figure"  - more or less as if it was a fate worse than death, or how sad was that !!

Then theres the ad about the D4 jock with the free place on the ferry asking all the women if they want to go on the ferry with him - someone says its tacky to ask every woman in the place but he retorts that he hasnt asked the women in accounts ....yet (i.e. things would be fair bad before he'd do that).

Countless ads mention Jenny/Johnny or whoever   "from accounts"  - why does accounts always get mentioned, what about marketing or any other dept you want. 


Sure lucky the profession pays well, otherwise no-one would go at it !!!


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## DavyJones (16 Apr 2008)

ye all now what missionary position is, Have you heard about the new one? The plumber position, you stay in all day and no-one comes! boom boom!


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