# Can I object to my father being buried in my mothers grave?



## Kimmagegirl (5 Feb 2012)

I hope as a newcomer to Askaboutmoney that I am posting this question in the right place.

My mother died about 6 years ago. During her life she was not treated very well by my father. It's a long story with some awful thoughtlesness and selfishisness on my fathers part.

For the past 6  she has been free of the man. For the first time in her life she has been symbolicly free of the man, in her own grave.

The thoughts of my fathers coffin being placed on top of my mothers coffin in her grave is causing me great upset. It's as if he is back on top of her again controlling her space.

I have visited my mothers grave over the years and I have privately spoken to her. When my father dies I will feel that these private moments will be taken away from me. He will be there.

I have vowed never to visit my father's grave when he dies. I will not be able to visit my mothers grave knowing that he is there.

Can I do anything to stop my father being buried alongside my mother. There are two other siblings involved who also dislike my father but would not allow this to happen.

Any advice?


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## Padraigb (5 Feb 2012)

Who owns the grave?


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## Hillsalt (5 Feb 2012)

My friend's parents are buried separately in different graveyards. They had a healthy marriage and died within months of each other but are both buried with their own parents.  

I have no advise to offer you but I am just sharing the story.


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## beffers (7 Feb 2012)

Am with Padraigb, the key here is who owns the actual grave plot, and has the paperwork to prove it. Therin lies the power. 

If your mother bought her own grave plot with room for just one coffin, that is her plot and no one else can be just turfed in on top of her. Graves plots are normally sold deep enough for six coffins to go in on top of each other. Or they can be sold deep enough for just one coffin. 

The plot purchaser is normally given deeds to the plot (the way that you are with a house purchase) and this is normally stored with the deceased persons personal papers, Will etc etc so that the next of kin can arrange their funeral/burial easily. This is important as the cemetery itself will normally require some sort of proof of ownership of the grave plot before they will allow the grave to be dug on the day of the funeral. The cemetery couldn't care less about your feelings for your father. All they care about is who owns the plot and can they prove it.

If your mother is buried in a family plot, there is space above her coffin for other coffins & one of your siblings has the deeds to the plot, there is not much that you can do to stop them from having your father buried with her. 

However, if it means this much to you, sit down now and let your siblings know that you feel as strongly about this as you do. Encourage your father (if possible) and your siblings to make different arrangements for him. The day that your father dies is not the time for you all to be scrambling for somewhere to bury him at the last minute.


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## Elaine321 (8 Feb 2012)

Why such strong opposition that they buried together?


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## SoylentGreen (8 Feb 2012)

Elaine321 said:


> Why such strong opposition that they buried together?


 
I think the OP mentions the reason in line two?


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## elcato (8 Feb 2012)

Would cremation be an option when your father dies ? Have you or one of your siblings or a confidante asked him what his wishes are ? Maybe he could surprise you and say he wants cremation.


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## STEINER (8 Feb 2012)

As other posters have said, the important issue here is who owns your mother's grave plot.  Whoever owns the grave plot controls who is interred there.  If your mother purchased the grave in advance prior to her passing then rather awkwardly your father could own the grave via inheritance.

If your father was so bad to your mother, and you have siblings, surely then you would all agree not to bury him with her so.


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## Sue Ellen (8 Feb 2012)

Sorry to see that this matter is upsetting you so much.  If your Mother left a will have you checked same to see what her wishes were or enquired to see if she left any instructions with another relative?


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## ajapale (8 Feb 2012)

Would the OP and her siblings consider buying a seperate plot for their father?

Perhaps you could speak informally with a few local funeral directors who will have some experience with the issues raised.


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## Leo (8 Feb 2012)

Kimmagegirl said:


> Can I do anything to stop my father being buried alongside my mother. There are two other siblings involved who also dislike my father but would not allow this to happen.


 
My understanding of this is that your two siblings will not allow an objection to your father's burial in that grave.

If that is the case, I think your first priority should be having an open and frank conversation with your siblings. You don't want this escalating into a dispute that might damage your relationship with them for years to come.


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## Kimmagegirl (8 Feb 2012)

Thank you all very much for your comments.  When my mother died she had a small savings account with about €10k in it. My father would not release the money for her burial until such time as he had control of her estate. This is despite the fact that he would have over €500k in savings. He had a family member running around to get the death cert so he could transfer the money in to his account. There was such an outcry from his siblings that in the end he reluctantly relented and paid the funeral costs.  So I suppose that he owns the grave.
My mother used to attend a particular church every Sunday. She was baptised in this church. She made her Communion and Confirmation there and had her wedding there. She always said that she wanted her funeral there.  My father would not allow this to happen for "political" reasons. The parish priest of their parish (not the one they used to attend of a Sunday) lived a few doors away from him so he thought that it might upset the parish priest if he did not have the funeral in the local church.


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## Padraigb (8 Feb 2012)

Next question (and no, I'm not being facetious): when your father's time comes, who will own the body?


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## olddoll (8 Feb 2012)

I feel great sympathy for your plight.  It appears your father used your mother's money to pay for her funeral and her grave.  Therefore, in a sense he doesn't own the grave.  Could you and your siblings agree to buy a separate plot for him on his death, possibly in the same cemetery but at a distance from your mother's grave.  

My own parents are buried in different cemeteries (thankfully).


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## Gulliver (9 Feb 2012)

Padraigb said:


> Next question (and no, I'm not being facetious): when your father's time comes, who will own the body?


 
If he goes into hospital, he normally be required to nominate a person as next-of-kin.  If he dies there, the body will be released to that person (or an undertaker acting on behalf of that person)


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## johnwilliams (10 Feb 2012)

i agree with what olddoll said , maybe a seperate plot


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## marc lewis (18 May 2016)

my mother passed away 10 years and had suffered a lifetime of physical and mental abuse from my father . my mother didn't have time to write a will as the Alzheimer's got to her first . my father took full advantage of this , taking all her money and ignoring her life long wishes to be burried with her mother , he buried my mother in his family grave . he is 85 now and i am 50 , i desperately want to move my mother to be with her mother before something happens to me , please can someone advise me what to do. my father calls me a liar when i remind him of what he did to my mother even though i was there and saw it all . i am the only person living that knows how badly he treated my mother .


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## noproblem (18 May 2016)

Kimmagegirl,
I do have great sympathy for you and like others have said, you'll need to have a family chat about this and see can you come to an agreement about it. However,  don't take this the wrong way, you could pass away before your father. Sadly, it happens.


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## PaddyBloggit (18 May 2016)

noproblem said:


> Kimmagegirl,
> I do have great sympathy for you and like others have said, you'll need to have a family chat about this and see can you come to an agreement about it. However,  don't take this the wrong way, you could pass away before your father. Sadly, it happens.



I reckon he is well buried now ... the OP's thread is over 4 years old!


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