# refuses to take child



## cookiedough (4 Nov 2009)

hi i was just wondering can anyone help me out on my rights here? my childs father takes him on a saturday nite but mainly just leaves him with his granny.but he has another child with someone else who he takes 2 nights a week. he has agreed to take my child a second nite a week but never does. If i was to bring him to court can he be made to take him another night a week. He always has lame excuses has to why he cant and he knows i have no one who can help me out with my son so really i think he is doing this has a control thing with me has he is not very happy i no longer want to be with him


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## Ceist Beag (4 Nov 2009)

Weird! Usually it's the father who wants more access to their child, not the other way around. Do you really want your child to be spending any time with someone who clearly does not want the child, never mind more time? I certainly don't think it would be a good idea to try and impose more time on the father as to be honest I'd be more concerned about the welfare of the child.


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## cookiedough (4 Nov 2009)

No if it was that way i wouldnt i do no he loves his child and he does say things like hell take him from 6 to 7 one evening a week but that doesnt leave me with any time which i know is what he is trying to do.I dont have any family to help me and i would really like to get back to work even if it was just a evening a week. im just wondering would a judge consider theese things and take into account the fact he takes his other child another night a week.


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## Helen321 (4 Nov 2009)

I've always been told by my solicitor that no point asking for the father to take child more (in court) as no judge will force them to take the child...
(I have tried to get my ex to take our son more but to no avial..)


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## cookiedough (4 Nov 2009)

That just seems ridiculous to me so men get to run away from there responsibilites its hard enough being a single mother the courts should really do more


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## chrisboy (4 Nov 2009)

cookiedough said:


> That just seems ridiculous to me so men get to run away from there responsibilites its hard enough being a single mother the courts should really do more


 

Quite a large generalisation dont you think?


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## Ceist Beag (4 Nov 2009)

cookiedough said:


> he loves his child and he does say things like hell take him from 6 to 7 one evening a week



cookiedough have a read of what you wrote again! If he really loves this child he'd want to have custody of him a heck of a lot more than for one hour a week! I think you might be deluding yourself here.


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## truthseeker (4 Nov 2009)

Ceist Beag said:


> cookiedough have a read of what you wrote again! If he really loves this child he'd want to have custody of him a heck of a lot more than for one hour a week! I think you might be deluding yourself here.


 
I agree.
You say in your first post he leaves the child with his granny on saturday nights, this doesnt sound like a man who is interested in spending time with his child.

With regards to help for you to have some time to be able to work an evening a week, could you not approach the granny yourself and ask her to help out here considering her son wont? Alternatively can you ask the father to share costs for childcare one evening a week so that you can work?


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## mf1 (4 Nov 2009)

cookiedough said:


> That just seems ridiculous to me so men get to run away from there responsibilites its hard enough being a single mother the courts should really do more



Having a child with someone is an enormous risk.  As so many people find to their horror or indeed, when it works, to their great joy that it has worked out.

I really do not understand how you could expect a Court to order a father to (a) love their child more and (b) take the child more. How would a Court enforce this? It may be   something of a "nanny" state but it does not go that far. 

Its a hard, cruel , nasty, horrible lesson. If people do not want to do something that involves an emotional attachment and a time commitment, then nothing and nobody ( bar themselves) will make them do it. And hard as it is, your function as a parent is to keep the peace , do your best by your child  and let the child, in adulthood, work out their own relationship with their parents. 

mf


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## cookiedough (4 Nov 2009)

I am not deluding myself by saying he loves his child has i said in a previous post he uses it as a control thing over me meaning as long as i have the baby he knows were i am.

I do not expect a court to make him love his child more but what i was asking is has he takes his other child another night would the court not see that he is not taking the baby to control me.
It just seems that everyone has the attitude that fathers can make babies and not take full responsibilty im sure if this was a mother we were talking about peoples attitudes would be completly different


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## cookiedough (4 Nov 2009)

truthseeker said:


> I agree.
> You say in your first post he leaves the child with his granny on saturday nights, this doesnt sound like a man who is interested in spending time with his child.
> 
> With regards to help for you to have some time to be able to work an evening a week, could you not approach the granny yourself and ask her to help out here considering her son wont? Alternatively can you ask the father to share costs for childcare one evening a week so that you can work?


 

No he wont share costs he gets plesure out of the fact i dont work making smart comments about how il never have anything. and i dont want to ask the granny myself i think its unfair on her to involve her. so basically i have to let this man control my life


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## ACA (4 Nov 2009)

If you have no family around you at this time, have you got any friends that are in a similar situation to you instead? Maybe a job-share arrangement could work or you mind their child one night and they mind yours another.


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## cookiedough (4 Nov 2009)

I do have friends with young kids to but they all have there familys to help out with there kids so they dont really understand the situation im in.


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## truthseeker (5 Nov 2009)

cookiedough said:


> No he wont share costs he gets plesure out of the fact i dont work making smart comments about how il never have anything. and i dont want to ask the granny myself i think its unfair on her to involve her. so basically i have to let this man control my life


 
I know a girl in a very similar situation and she DID go to the granny and ask for help, and got it, not only that but when the granny realised the lack of help from her own son she must have given him an earful as well because he became more compliant and started taking the child more. It will embarrass him if you involve the granny - she can only say no, its worth a try.


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## Deas (5 Nov 2009)

You need to talk to his mother on this one.  Otherwise you are going to be left in the same situation for some time.

You could also drop in on him sometime when he is with her/friends, leaving the child with him and letting all and sundry know what a s**t he is being.


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## Mel (5 Nov 2009)

You don't have to let this man control your life. 
Take control yourself. 
Can you find a place in a community creche while you do a training course or find a job, even part time? 
Can you move closer to friends or family that can help? Is there a friend who is a stay at home parent and would help you out with child care for a small fee to get you on your feet? 
I wouldn't hesitate about moving, even if it's a distance: if the man wants to see his child he will. If he challenges your move in court, it will only highlight the fact that he doesn't see the child as often as he could/ should. 
Bottom line, you are left holding the baby, literally, so make it work for you, and don't allow this guy to control you or hold you back. It can be done.


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## Purple (5 Nov 2009)

mf1 said:


> Having a child with someone is an enormous risk.  As so many people find to their horror or indeed, when it works, to their great joy that it has worked out.
> 
> I really do not understand how you could expect a Court to order a father to (a) love their child more and (b) take the child more. How would a Court enforce this? It may be   something of a "nanny" state but it does not go that far.
> 
> ...


Really excellent post.


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## cookiedough (7 Nov 2009)

Im goin to presume the 2 people above dont have children you talk about it like its a contract not a human being


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## sparkeee (7 Nov 2009)

why would you want to force the child on someone who doesn't want to have them.You should be thinking of the child as a loved treasured person,i wouldn't allow my children near someone who was reluctant to care for their wellbeing.


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## cookiedough (7 Nov 2009)

I am not forcing the child on someone who doesnt want them has i have said the reason he wont take him is more a ontrol thing with me then a lack of love for him. And i do very much think of my child has a loved treasured person my child has all the love and care in the world from me.And i dont think it makes me a bad mother for wanting my son to have a relathionship with his father. I grew up myself with no proper parents around so im only tryin to give my son a life which involves both parents


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## bleary (7 Nov 2009)

You can only be responsible for your relationship with your child, not the fathers , the reality is that he doesnt even spend the existing time he has with the child he leaves them off with his family to look after so an extra night with them is not going to improve his relationship with them.He is only involved in a very superficial level at the moment and no court or other party can change that unfortunately. If he is only using the child to control you then you can allow this to happen or not, that's your relationship with him.


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## GreenQueen (7 Nov 2009)

cookiedough said:


> I am not forcing the child on someone who doesnt want them has i have said the reason he wont take him is more a ontrol thing with me then a lack of love for him. And i do very much think of my child has a loved treasured person my child has all the love and care in the world from me.And i dont think it makes me a bad mother for wanting my son to have a relathionship with his father. I grew up myself with no proper parents around so im only tryin to give my son a life which involves both parents




Cookiedough there is nothing wrong with wanting your child to have a relationship with his father at all.  The unfortunate thing is that you can't make your child's father have a relationship with him.  As parents we all have wishes for our children but we can't always make our wishes come true though.

Nobody, not you nor the courts will be able to force his father to spend time with him.  If his father did care as much for his son as you say he does then he would be already taking his son for more than an hour a week.

As another poster already pointed out the only person who can change in this is you.  Dealing with the courts on access normally leads to antagonism between parents which in turn isn't great for the kids.  Especially if the likelihood is that both of you will be unhappy with the outcome.

IMHO the best way to deal with his father is to accept that he is only going to see his child for 1 hour per week even though you wish he would see him for more.  Leave the door open for it to be increased in the future and stop thinking that he isn't taking the child to spite you.


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## fababby (8 Nov 2009)

I empathise with you Cookiedough.  You have the full time care and attention of your child and are happy to accept same and love and want what's best for your child.  It is so unfair that the child's Dad who should share in the care only barely helps out and he is not held accountable.  He clearly doesn't realise what a great opportunity he is being offered and how some Dads are prevented from having any part in their child's life.  Worse still if he is using the child as a means of controlling you.   As mentioned above, there is no one that can enforce custody/access arrangements on him.  Maybe you can appeal to him using whats in the best interest of his and your child and try to leave his antagonism or whatever toward you, outside.  Think you should consider involving his Mum even in a coversation initially - especially if she does have an influence over her son?  Would not advocate leaving child with him whilst he is with friends, as a lesson or message.    Tempting, but not fair to the child if he resists.  Not much help here I know but your child is fortunate to have one dedicated parent who loves and treasures them.  Try not to beat yourself up about something you have no control over...  Best of luck


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## csirl (9 Nov 2009)

The child's grandmother appears to be willing to mind the child once a week. Look at this positively - grandparents taking an interest in their grandchildren is a good thing. Even if the father has no interest in the child, I would still advocate having the grandparents involved in the child's life.


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## orionstar21 (9 Nov 2009)

Hi, I have been reading this post and am amazed.You are actually entertaining this guy.  Use reverse phycology, tell him he's not seeing his kid. Its human nature to want things that you cant have.  This will work tenfold if its his own flesh and blood.  Let him EARN time with his kid.  Its guys like that which give the rest of us a bad name. I see my child twice per week and I love her.  I get on well with the mother too and I always make sure she is also looked after.I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination but I like doing it.How could any man deny his own regardless of the circumstance.  As John Lennon said, "life is what happens while your busy making other plans".  Well, this is life and life is short, we'll all meet our maker in the end.  Let him earn his childs love and YOUR respect.  Dont hand it to him on a platter, Other guys I know are on their knees begging to see their kids and their ex partners are denying them access out of pure bitterness.  You dont seem to be like that.  Good on ya and dont go the court rout, trust me.  I agree with the others, I most certainly would not leave my pride and joy with anyone who does not care about her.

Best of Luck To You


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## donee (9 Nov 2009)

cookiedough said:


> I am not forcing the child on someone who doesnt want them has i have said the reason he wont take him is more a ontrol thing with me then a lack of love for him. And i do very much think of my child has a loved treasured person my child has all the love and care in the world from me.And i dont think it makes me a bad mother for wanting my son to have a relathionship with his father. I grew up myself with no proper parents around so im only tryin to give my son a life which involves both parents


 its very hard for outsiders ie other posters like myself when we are only getting the view from one side of the fence. we have to take all you say as the truth and from your point of view im sure it , as you see it. remember we dont count only your CHILD matters .


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