# For cat owners everywhere...



## Caveat (13 Jul 2007)

*RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - WRITTEN BY CATS, FOR CATS*

*Bathrooms *
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare - humans really like to be watched. 
*Doors *
Do not allow any closed doors in any room - humans sometimes try and trap cats inside a specific room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain or snow.
*Chairs and rugs *
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or expensive rug quickly. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up as you vomit, so it is as long as a humans bare foot. 
*Litter Box *
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. 
*The Art of Hampering *
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "How to Hamper in 7 easy steps" 
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. Remember to let out a painful Miaow. 

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 

4) For people paying bills or working on Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. 

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper or use your paw to paw it down from behind. Humans love to watch you jump on their stuff. 

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress. 

7) If a human is playing a piano, remember to show then you can play too. Jump on the piano and play your favoruite song by walking the length of the piano. If it is very late at night you can do this also, humans love to hear an piano playing at 3 a.m.   ​*Walking *
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. 
*Hiding *
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat. 
*Bedtime *
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. If you are unlucky enough to be a cat with their own kennel / outside sleeping area, remember to Miaow loudly in disapproval as you are being brought outside for the night. 
*One Final Thought *
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your ass to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.


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## Purple (13 Jul 2007)

That confirms it: cats are a pain in the This post will be deleted if not edited to remove bad language!


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## elefantfresh (13 Jul 2007)

I hate cats


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## Darth Vader (13 Jul 2007)

I'd put any money on the fact that the last two posters are men. What is it with men and cats eh?!


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## elefantfresh (13 Jul 2007)

He he! Real men like dogs and beer and football!
not cats.


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## Purple (13 Jul 2007)

Darth Vader said:


> I'd put any money on the fact that the last two posters are men. What is it with men and cats eh?!


They don't like animals with the personality of a furry lizard?


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## Caveat (13 Jul 2007)

Darth Vader said:


> I'd put any money on the fact that the last two posters are men. What is it with men and cats eh?!


 
You're right! and men who *do* like cats seem to be regarded with suspicion as far as I can see. 

Have you noticed that anyone who doesn't like cats seem to think they are somehow 'repulsive' 'untrustworthy' even 'evil'...I don't really get it.


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## Purple (13 Jul 2007)

Caveat said:


> You're right! and men who *do* like cats seem to be regarded with suspicion as far as I can see.
> 
> Have you noticed that anyone who doesn't like cats seem to think they are somehow 'repulsive' 'untrustworthy' even 'evil'...I don't really get it.



You must be one of the bad guys so


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## Carpenter (13 Jul 2007)

There is one very important omission from that list-

*Vermin*
Humans (and especially young children) love to find little "surprises" on the utility floor, early in the morning; be sure to scatter your little "conquests" all over the floor, blood, entrails, fur and feather can be used to "personalise" your special space.  Always remove the head from bird and mice.


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## Caveat (13 Jul 2007)

Carpenter said:


> There is one very important omission from that list-
> 
> *Vermin*
> Humans (and especially young children) love to find little "surprises" on the utility floor, early in the morning; be sure to scatter your little "conquests" all over the floor, blood, entrails, fur and feather can be used to "personalise" your special space. Always remove the head from bird and mice.


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## Graham_07 (13 Jul 2007)

I love these two :-

1) Dogs come when you call them, cats take a message and get back to you later.

2) Dogs sit beside you while you work, cats sit on the work.

PS have 2 cats and don't know what we'd do without them, they make gutting birds so much more fun !


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## Caveat (13 Jul 2007)

Purple said:


> You must be one of the bad guys so


 
...I meant the cats BTW


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## Sn@kebite (13 Jul 2007)

elefantfresh said:


> He he! Real men like dogs and beer and football!
> not cats.


REAL men take care of their family


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## Purple (16 Jul 2007)

Sn@kebite said:


> REAL men take care of their family



Yea, that as well. It doesn't make elefantfresh wrong though!


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## RainyDay (26 Jul 2007)

Caveat said:


> *RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - WRITTEN BY CATS, FOR CATS*
> 
> *Bathrooms *
> Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare - humans really like to be watched.


Bonus points are awarded for climbing into the trousers between the toilet users legs and getting comfortable for the duration.


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## Seagull (27 Jul 2007)

What is the reward for starting to play with the toes? Are there bonus points for playing with claws out?


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## pc7 (27 Jul 2007)

i'm a girl and i've never liked cats since i read pet semetry, they freak me out and worse still if i go to any house with cats i totally ignore them and yet they always jump on my lap and sit there and purr??? its weird i have to get the owners to move them, yuck evil!


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## Hoagy (27 Jul 2007)

Tyger, tyger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?


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## Purple (27 Jul 2007)

Hoagy said:


> Tyger, tyger, burning bright
> In the forests of the night,
> What immortal hand or eye
> Could frame thy fearful symmetry?


and?


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## Caveat (27 Jul 2007)

Purple said:


> and?


 
Purple Purple, hating cats
(In his own little world, at that)
Maybe one of these vicious creatures
will disfigure your dog-loving features


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## Vanilla (27 Jul 2007)

Caveat said:


> Purple Purple, hating cats
> (In his own little world, at that)
> Maybe one of these vicious creatures
> will disfigure your dog-loving features


 
Lucky you, Purple-it might be malevolent, but it's still a poem written specially for you.


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## Purple (27 Jul 2007)

Caveat said:


> Purple Purple, hating cats
> (In his own little world, at that)
> Maybe one of these vicious creatures
> will disfigure your dog-loving features



Sorry I asked  
(very good though)


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## Purple (27 Jul 2007)

Vanilla said:


> Lucky you, Purple-it might be malevolent, but it's still a poem written specially for you.



Should I feel special?


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