# Moral Dilemma - Should I tell my friend?



## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends. He took along his gf to assist with preparing veg etc.  I had a substantial sum of money hidden in a coffee pot in the kitchen while I was waiting to take it to the bank.  It was in the area where she was working.  Next day, when I went to get the money to bring to the bank, I discovered my money was missing. None of the guests were in the kitchen.  I trust my friend 100% but his gf has told me blatant lies in the past.

Do I just keep quiet and put up with the loss (obviously I should have put the cash somewhere else but it's easy to be wise in retrospect etc etc), or tell my friend of my suspicions? I think he intends to marry the girl, even though he told me his parents don't approve of her, but I don't want to lose his friendship.


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## S.L.F (20 Jul 2008)

You need to ask your friend where your money has gone.

Be it €10 or €1000.


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## sandrat (20 Jul 2008)

Tough call. If it was a lot of money you need to ask the question because if she is willing to steal from his friend then maybe she is not great wife material however maybe she/they needed the money for something??


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## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

S.L.F said:


> You need to ask your friend where your money has gone.
> 
> Be it €10 or €1000.



He probably doesn't know and I trust him (if not with my life, then with my dog).  He may feel I am implicating him and that could put an end to the friendship.


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## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

sandrat said:


> Tough call. If it was a lot of money you need to ask the question because if she is willing to steal from his friend then maybe she is not great wife material however maybe she/they needed the money for something??


Yes, it was a lot of money (almost 4k) and I don't expect to get it back but I would like her to be aware that I know who took it and that she is not welcome in my home in future.  He is very good to her and I know he gives her money (they are both studying here but he is financially a lot better off). I don't have her phone number and she lives in the same house as my friend.


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## Deirdra (20 Jul 2008)

4K in a coffee pot??? You 'don't expect to get it back'?? Wow. 

The money on its own sounds like a big enough issue to get in touch with her, by some means ASAP and get your money back. What's the worst thing that would happen if you challenged her? You might get your money back, your friend will obviously wonder what is going on, then you can put the spotlight on her and let her do the talking.

If this is really a case of theft and a good man proposing to marry an unsuitable girl - the truth will out - and probably better for everyone in the long run.

A very difficult situation - you should act quickly. Good Luck


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## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

Thank you all for suggestions. It is difficult to know what to do for the best without hurting my friend and I have no concrete proof to substantiate an accusation, only "circumstantial evidence".  They say you should never come between a couple.

At the end of the day nobody died, I still have a roof over my head and won't go hungry.  I can deal with that side of it, but the guy deserves better than her and I would really like her to know that I am aware of what she did.


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## PM1234 (20 Jul 2008)

What a terrible ordeal to have someone steal in your own home. 

You appear to have no doubt whatsoever that it was the girlfriend? Is there any chance regardless of how small, that someone else could have taken it?  There are  many sides to everyone so we tend to rely on what we think we know about them. The truth is we will never truly know someone's capabilities in particular circumstances until such circumstances arise. This includes financial difficulties/debt etc.


 IMO if a guest in someone's home could steal money, it would probably make little difference whether they were aware or not, of you knowing who took it.  

If I was in your situation, I would let all the guests and everyone else that was in your house (since you last saw the money) know that a sum of money was stolen and you are informing the gardai. While you are casting doubt, you are not accusing individuals. Those who are not involved have nothing to worry about and indeed should be sympathetic. 

Lastly you need to be absolutely sure that you didn't move the money somewhere else before your guests arrived.


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## S.L.F (20 Jul 2008)

miselemeas said:


> He probably doesn't know and I trust him (if not with my life, then with my dog).  He may feel I am implicating him and that could put an end to the friendship.



I'm not saying go up and give him the third degree, just let him know the money was in the coffee pot before him and his gf were there after they went it was gone.

€4000 in a coffee pot.............bloody hell!!!

You must invite me around for a cup of rich roast coffee.


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## jhegarty (20 Jul 2008)

For 4k are you not thinking guards + figure prints on the coffee pot....


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## NicolaM (20 Jul 2008)

jhegarty said:


> For 4k are you not thinking guards + figure prints on the coffee pot....


Seriously, are you not going to inform the gardai?
No harm in saying to everyone that was there, as suggested above, that this is what you are going to do.
It might help the money re-appear.
Absolutely get the jar finger printed.
I would not be happy to just accept that €4000 was gone, without trying to do something about it.
By telling everyone that the money is gone, you are not pointing the finger of blame at anyone either.

Nicola


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## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

Ha ha SLF, like your humour - you're welcome, but for the moment it will be "instant" rather than "rich" in my house for a while as I feel "roasted"

You have all given me lots to think about, thanks a mill for taking the time.


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## NicolaM (20 Jul 2008)

Ps: just think about how long it took you to earn this money before you decide to 'put up with the loss'.


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## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

NicolaM said:


> Ps: just think about how long it took you to earn this money before you decide to 'put up with the loss'.



Yeah, I know. I was in town yesterday trying to wind down, looking at 

jewellers' windows - "I could have bought that diamond ring, Rado watch etc"
travel agents - "Nice trip to the Caribbean"
BT's window - "Wouldn't have to be rooting around TK Maxx looking for bargains"

C'est la vie.


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## NicolaM (20 Jul 2008)

miselemeas said:


> C'est la vie.



Seriously, ce n'est pas la vie!
This is a criminal offence.
Someone came into your house and stole your money!
If the guards checked this out, and found a guests fingerprints on the jar, then it is not your fault for reporting this crime.
Someone came and stole your hard earned money.
It is not your fault that someone stole it.
Why should you stay quiet and take the hit?
If it was that girl, maybe a good thing for your friend to know, before he ties the knot, and gets stuck with her (that is, if she did indeed steal the money).
Anyway, probably the gardai wouldn't be able to find out who stole it, but at least you'd have tried.
Please don't just leave this go, it is completely unfair on you, and you're being too decent.


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## PM1234 (20 Jul 2008)

I don't know whether to be astonished or bemused by your attitude to theft 

Lets only hope the thief wasn't banking on this type of response


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## truthseeker (20 Jul 2008)

OP - how do you KNOW that none of the other guests were in the kitchen? Not trying to cast aspersions on any of your friends, but basically you had money in a coffee pot in the kitchen, a group of people gathered in the house, next day money was gone. So you dont really know who it was. 

If you decide to do nothing you are effectively saying 'its ok to steal from me with no consequence' - which is not a good message to send out to anyone. 

I think PM1234's suggestion is excellent, let everyone who was in the house know that the money was stolen and that you are informing the gardai.


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## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

I probably think it was partly my fault for leaving temptation in the way. I should have moved the money upstairs but obviously didn't think of it at the time.

The only people who were in the kitchen when I wasn't there were my friend and his gf.   I have known him for 6 years and he is straight as a die, very decent guy. She has told me lies in the past. The guests (4) were husband's sisters/brother and sis-in-law, and I know they would be upset to hear about it so would prefer if they didn't know.


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## S.L.F (20 Jul 2008)

Sorry about the crack I couldn't resist it



truthseeker said:


> I think PM1234's suggestion is excellent, let everyone who was in the house know that the money was stolen and that you are informing the gardai.



I agree


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## miselemeas (20 Jul 2008)

My son suggests sending an anonymous note in Chinese (he would get a friend to write it), telling her the gardai have been notified but I have never been a fan of anonymous letters (maybe his imagination is running away with him).


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## rmelly (20 Jul 2008)

I'd call the Gardai straight off. Even if the money was returned, the individual should be held responsible for their actions. Forget these people being friends or guests. One of them stole a significant sum of money from you. Provide the Gardai with the guestlist, give them all relevant information and let them take it from there.


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## NicolaM (20 Jul 2008)

Hi
There is no need to be so circumspect, really.
You are down €4000.(FOUR THOUSAND EUROS)
Fair enough to point this out to people who were present prior to it  disappearing.
You're being too nice..And whoever stole from you is laughing all the way to the carribean holiday you could have had...


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## PM1234 (20 Jul 2008)

Sounds like an episode of Rosemary and Thyme 

It really depends on what you are willing to do yourself. If you're happy to allow someone to steal from you and brush it under the carpet, then do just that. This is absolutely what the thief is banking on you doing.

If it was me I'd ring the gardai. Then ring everyone who was in your house and let them know a theft has occurred in your home.   Let them know the gardai are now involved and you are looking for all names and addresses as the gardai have requested them and they will be in contact. You could mention that if the money is returned/dropped through your letterbox within the next 24 hours you will drop the case. Alternatively let the gardai do their job.


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## rmelly (20 Jul 2008)

PM1234 said:


> Sounds like an episode of Rosemary and Thyme
> 
> It really depends on what you are willing to do yourself. If you're happy to allow someone to steal from you and brush it under the carpet, then do just that. This is absolutely what the thief is banking on you doing.
> 
> If it was me I'd ring the gardai. Then ring everyone who was in your house and let them know a theft has occurred in your home. Let them know the gardai are now involved and you are looking for all names and addresses as the gardai have requested them and they will be in contact. You could mention that if the money is returned/dropped through your letterbox within the next 24 hours you will drop the case. Alternatively let the gardai do their job.


 
I was thinking of suggesting the same, but would the Gardai drop it just like that? I suppose if the OP told them they made a mistake or it was a misunderstanding or just withdrew the statement?


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## Vanilla (20 Jul 2008)

Why won't you call the guards?


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## ClubMan (20 Jul 2008)

Could there be any reasonable explanation for the alleged disappearance of the money other than the friend's girlfriend taking it? Think carefully and objectively about this.


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## iggy (21 Jul 2008)

Tough one Miselemeas. Here`s what I would do, _ONLY_ if you are sure this person took the money.Somehow get a message to them informing them that you have a security camera in your kitchen and on reviewing the recording it shows them removing the cash from the jar. Tell them that the gardai are interested to get the footage but that you are reluctant to hand it over as it will have undesireable consequences for your friendship with your culinary buddy, whereas if you say you are just getting the gardai involved for fingerprinting etc they probably know that it is no mystery that they were in the kitchen and so probably handled the jar anyway and does not incriminate them. This way you don`t have to involve anyone else and hopefully they will come clean and return your cash.
Best of luck anyway.


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## Slaphead (21 Jul 2008)

Tell em your pretty sure its them and that your sending the jar off for prints. If shje gives it back no one need know and thats that.


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

Plenty of food for thought there, thanks so much. No other reasonable explanation comes to mind Clubman as there is only myself and hubby living in the house.


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## Simeon (21 Jul 2008)

Get the jar fingerprinted. Invite all who were there to volunteer prints on a specific day. This may cause the light fingered artist to book a last minute holiday/attend an out-of-town funeral/witter on about 'human rights' etc. If I'd read this in a red mast paper I would have thought it as being in the urban myth range.


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## Yoltan (21 Jul 2008)

Slaphead said:


> Tell em your pretty sure its them and that your sending the jar off for prints. If shje gives it back no one need know and thats that.


 
Yeah I agree. Definitely do not let this go. You seem to be fairly ok with the fact that you're 4k out of pocket (As opposed to me, who would be out for blood!). Think about if she did this to someone else. What if it was a mortgage/rent payment etc?


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## truthseeker (21 Jul 2008)

What reason is there for NOT telling the Guards?

The anonymous note idea is just making a worse mess out of what is already a mess. It basically means you are acussing someone without evidence - how bad would you look if you were wrong eh?

I dont understand why you dont just do as you would do had your home been broken into and money stolen - call the Guards, tell them money has been stolen, and let them take it from there.


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

Slaphead said:


> Tell em your pretty sure its them and that your sending the jar off for prints. If shje gives it back no one need know and thats that.





Simeon said:


> Get the jar fingerprinted. Invite all who were there to volunteer prints on a specific day. This may cause the light fingered artist to book a last minute holiday/attend an out-of-town funeral/witter on about 'human rights' etc. If I'd read this in a red mast paper I would have thought it as being in the urban myth range.


You are both joking right? If any friend of mine asked me to submit to fingerprinting on foot of an incident like this I would most likely terminate the friendship there and then. Especially if I was innocent!  On the other hand you could invite them all back around and play a real life game of Cluedo.


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## DeeFox (21 Jul 2008)

I would advise talking to the friend of 6 years - tell him that a large amount of money went missing that evening from the kitchen and ask did he notice anything?  Do not make any accusations or even hint that you think it his girlfriend - let him come to this conclusion on his own.  It is an awful lot of money to lose and you are lucky that you have a relaxed attitude to its loss. Lesson of the week?  Don't leave money in pots around the house.


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

miselemeas said:


> My friend, who is not Irish


Just wondering - what is the relevance of this piece of info?


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## ney001 (21 Jul 2008)

In answer to your question, I do think that you should tell your friend.  If he is as good a friend as you would seem to think then he will listen to you and not think that you are making it up.  If he flips out then I'm sorry but you will have to accept that he's taking the word of a woman whom he's already expressed doubts about over yours - he's just doesn't value the friendship as much as you  do.  Re the money, it's all well and good saying that it doesn't matter now - but I would suggest that this will just fester and fester until you have to say something and by then it will be too late to be taken seriously, people will wonder why you didn't bother chasing up on €4000.    Either way, something like this always comes out one way or another - so speak to your friend and/or confront the girlfriend - forget about fingerprinting etc - just be honest and straight forward.


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## MandaC (21 Jul 2008)

Horrible thing to happen and I feel for you.  I was a guest at a wedding reception party held in a house, where there was only about 30 people, all guests, no staff, where four of the ladies purses were dipped. The couple felt awful and wanted to refund the people out of their own pockets, but nobody would hear that and it put a real dampner on the day.

I agree with the posters who feel that if you let it go, it will fester.  The other side of it, you trusted these people in your home and that  is the hard part to accept.  I also feel that if you tell your friend, he might not want to believe you - so you have a tough dilemma, no matter what you do.  If the person concerned is that brazen, unless they were caught with their hand in the cookie jar(so to speak), it is highly unlikely that they will admit to anything or that you will get your money back.


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## Guest117 (21 Jul 2008)

miselemeas said:


> The only people who were in the kitchen when I wasn't there were my friend and his gf. I have known him for 6 years and he is straight as a die, very decent guy. She has told me lies in the past. The guests (4) were husband's sisters/brother and sis-in-law, and I know they would be upset to hear about it so would prefer if they didn't know.


 
I urge you not to involve the Gardai on the scale that posters are suggesting - if at all - I don't know what other posters are thinking about. 

You have already stated that you can live with the loss of the 4K 

How do any of the posters think you can involve the Gardai without seriously damaging the relationship you have with your husband's family and your friend.

Terrible situation you find yourself in - I think you have to speak to your friend for his own good but I don't envy you that task. You may lose him


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## truthseeker (21 Jul 2008)

badge55 said:


> How do any of the posters think you can involve the Gardai without seriously damaging the relationship you have with your husband's family and your friend.


 
I dont understand how telling the guards about a theft in the house at a party attended by family members will damage the relationship with those family members if they are innocent? Surely they would be outraged on the behalf of the OP and want the situation sorted out also?

If I attended a party in my in-laws home (or indeed my siblings) and found out afterwards that there had been a theft (and I knew I was innocent)and I was to be interviewed by guards, Id be more than happy to speak to the guards - who wouldnt be? It would have no impact on my relationship with the person who held the party.


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

ClubMan said:


> Just wondering - what is the relevance of this piece of info?



Probably from the point of view that when I normally have guests I do the preparation and cooking myself, nothing more



ClubMan said:


> "On the other hand you could invite them all back around and play a real life game of Cluedo."



Miss Scarlett in the Kitchen with a Dagger!


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

DeeFox said:


> I would advise talking to the friend of 6 years - tell him that a large amount of money went missing that evening from the kitchen and ask did he notice anything?  Do not make any accusations or even hint that you think it his girlfriend - let him come to this conclusion on his own.  It is an awful lot of money to lose and you are lucky that you have a relaxed attitude to its loss. Lesson of the week?  Don't leave money in pots around the house.



I like that idea thanks, if only to sow the seed of doubt in his mind as the more I think about it, taking everything into consideration, the more I am convinced of who the culpit is 

However, could do without the lesson of the week - a little like closing the stable door when the horse has bolted perhaps.

I suppose my "relaxed attitude" as you call it comes from having lived a good many years and gone through a lot of experiences - relative to what life can throw at you the loss of money definitely doesn't come top of my list.  My friend is just starting out on life and I am concerned for him really. On the other hand I am thinking that maybe he just has to find out for himself the hard way ..... so you see one minute I think tell him and the next minute I think don't, he should be able to suss things out for himself if he is living in the same house as her.    I would definitely not involve the law or the inlaws until I've given it further thought and consideration. I really appreciate your comments and suggestions.


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## redstar (21 Jul 2008)

You have to report it to the gardai. If this was a burglary you wouldn't hesitate to do so. 
Let them investigate. 
You just need to tell your friend that you were robbed and have informed the guards. Thats it. No accusations.


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

miselemeas said:


> Probably from the point of view that when I normally have guests I do the preparation and cooking myself, nothing more


You mean you don't actually know why you posted it? Strange...


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## ney001 (21 Jul 2008)

ClubMan said:


> You mean you don't actually know why you posted it? Strange...



I don't really see how this is relevant and/or helpful to the topic?


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

ney001 said:


> I don't really see how this is relevant and/or helpful to the topic?


Likewise.

By the way:


> *Shooting the Breeze* 			(23 Viewing)
> Jokes and chat but please try to keep it reasonable and inoffensive. This forum is restricted to Frequent Posters


I'm just chatting.


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## bamboozle (21 Jul 2008)

By the sounds of things all the guests were good friends/relatives except for 1 person the suspect.  As these folk are all good friends/relatives surely they won’t be offended if you let them know what happened and that you need to get in touch with the gardai.

By the sounds of it you’d actually be doing your friend the chef a HUGE favour by exposing the theft especially if the girlfriend is already getting money off him, the sooner he knows the better for his own sake.

Does your hunband not know?


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

bamboozle said:


> By the sounds of things all the guests were good friends/relatives except for 1 person the suspect.  As these folk are all good friends/relatives surely they won’t be offended if you let them know what happened and that you need to get in touch with the gardai.
> 
> By the sounds of it you’d actually be doing your friend the chef a HUGE favour by exposing the theft especially if the girlfriend is already getting money off him, the sooner he knows the better for his own sake.
> 
> Does your hunband not know?



Yes, my husband does know (thank God it was my money or he would be gone around the bend).  I wouldn't bank on my inlaws not being offended though (_There's nowt __stranger than folk)_, so it's a chance I wouldn't like to take.


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

miselemeas said:


> My son suggests sending an anonymous note in Chinese (he would get a friend to write it), telling her the gardai have been notified but I have never been a fan of anonymous letters (maybe his imagination is running away with him).


An anonymous letter about an alleged incident in your kitchen? Yeah - she'd never guess where that came from!


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

ClubMan said:


> An anonymous letter about an alleged incident in your kitchen? Yeah - she'd never guess where that came from!



I know, totally cracked idea - I'd never make a blackmailer or a detective, so I have to turn over everything in my mind before deciding on the best course of action.


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

By the way - seems to me that some of the comments in this thread about suspicion, evidence, proof etc. area also apposite here:

my car door was damaged last night fairly sure who did it but have no proof. recourse

Also - thanks to _Badge55 _for this offensive and bizarre _PM _presumably on foot of my earlier comment/question: 


			
				badge55 said:
			
		

> Clubman - Miselemas posted here looking for advice ( as we all do from time to time ) You have stopped only a little short of calling her a racist.
> 
> If anyone else posted like this you would delete saying it was unhelpful or off topic.
> 
> ...


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## Ash 22 (21 Jul 2008)

Yes Miselemas You should certainly report this to the Gardai and as others have said mention the fact to your friends that money has been stolen and you will be reporting it. That covers everything and no finger of suspicion is pointed at anybody. 
It's a huge amount of money to go missing. Don't let somebody get away with this if atall possible. It would make my blood boil if that happened me. You'll get no thanks for not getting this investigated, only some cunning thief having the last laugh at you. This person needs to be thought a lesson and quickly.


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

Hubby was on to insurance company this morning and we are not covered. We would be covered for cash if there was a break-in or break-out.  For anyone who doesn't know what a break-out is (I didn't) it means that had I gone out and left the door open and somebody walked in, took the cash and left I would be covered.


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## truthseeker (21 Jul 2008)

Whats the problem with informing the guards and then telling the other guests 'there was a robbery here in the past week, the guards want to speak to anyone who was in the house in the past week in case they noticed anything suspicious while they were here, open doors, strange cars, anyone looking in the window etc...' - how would anyone take offence to that?


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## MOB (21 Jul 2008)

"My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends."

When I read this, it seemed perfectly appropriate, and relevant to the extent that it would forestall the inevitable queries which would otherwise arise as to why you would have had a friend around to do the cooking in your kitchen - (to sample the authentic home-cooked cuisine of another country being the answer.).  But that's just me.   Maybe I was reading an explanation into it.

I would tell both friend and girlfriend together.  I would tell them that the €4k is missing and that nobody else had access to the kitchen at the time.  I would have no other witnesses and I would tell them that the conversation is completely off the record.  I would tell them that I have not decided what to do about this;  I would tell them that the reason I delayed in mentioning this was that I was almost sick with the thought of destroying our friendship, but that not telling them would be worse. I would tell them that if g\f took it and if financial desperation prompted this, I am prepared to overlook it if restitution is made.

I would separately tell friend that I obviously do not believe for one moment that he took it, and that I do not want to believe that his girlfriend took it - but that the facts are stacked against her.   I would ask that this not destroy our friendship and I would say that I do not want to interfere in his relationship - that I will respect his choice in this relationship, though I obviously cannot pretend to remain friends with his g\f.


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

MOB said:


> "My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends."
> 
> When I read this, it seemed perfectly appropriate, and relevant to the extent that it would forestall the inevitable queries which would otherwise arise as to why you would have had a friend around to do the cooking in your kitchen - (to sample the authentic home-cooked cuisine of another country being the answer.).  But that's just me.   Maybe I was reading an explanation into it.



Thank you MOB, comment and suggestions taken on board and greatly appreciated


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## ney001 (21 Jul 2008)

MOB said:


> "My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends."
> 
> When I read this, it seemed perfectly appropriate, and relevant to the extent that it would forestall the inevitable queries which would otherwise arise as to why you would have had a friend around to do the cooking in your kitchen - (to sample the authentic home-cooked cuisine of another country being the answer.).  But that's just me.   Maybe I was reading an explanation into it.



Good comment, I think any reasonable individual would also come to this conclusion!


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## Pique318 (21 Jul 2008)

Completely agree !


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

MOB said:


> I would have no other witnesses and I would tell them that the conversation is completely off the record.


They have each other as witnesses if the conversation happened to get slanderous. Also - what do you mean by "off the record" in this context? Do some people really talk like this other than to journalists and cops for example?


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## MOB (21 Jul 2008)

Technically, I suppose there could be a slander; but the publication is limited to the two people in the room with OP.  I can't see a slander action having legs.  If OP sticks to the facts I wouldn't worry too much about it.

'off the record' conversations are common in many contexts other than journalistic (by the way, never ever believe that a conversation with a guard is off the record, no matter what they tell you - they will use it if they need to).  Solicitors, of course, have off the record chats with each other all the time, so perhaps I am assuming too much; but I would preface any chat by saying that whatever is said in the room will stay in the room ( in this scenario, it would be on the basis of trust between friends rather than any through any legally binding privilege or confidentiality).


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## MrMan (21 Jul 2008)

I may have missed this point earlier, but are you sure that the money was in place before the dinner i.e when did you last check the cash before the dinner took place. I don't think you should limit your suspicions to the one person that you do not like because that sum of money could tempt a lot of people even family.


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## truthseeker (21 Jul 2008)

MrMan said:


> I may have missed this point earlier, but are you sure that the money was in place before the dinner i.e when did you last check the cash before the dinner took place. I don't think you should limit your suspicions to the one person that you do not like because that sum of money could tempt a lot of people even family.


 
I agree. In fact, someone else could easily use the knowledge that your suspicion would immediately fall on this one person to hide their own actions.
Or perhaps someone completely unknown walked in through an open back door and took it?

Which is why you need to involve the Guards - they will ask the right questions and hopefully help you get to the root of the matter.

Im astonished that someone would even consider not going to the Guards for a theft like this - its a crime, if someone in your home had threatened you with a knife you would report it wouldnt you?


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

I agree and was on more or less the same track when I posted this earlier:



ClubMan said:


> Could there be any reasonable explanation for the alleged disappearance of the money other than the friend's girlfriend taking it? Think carefully and objectively about this.


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

truthseeker said:


> I agree. In fact, someone else could easily use the knowledge that your suspicion would immediately fall on this one person to hide their own actions.
> Or perhaps someone completely unknown walked in through an open back door and took it?
> 
> They would have to go to the coffee maker, remove the little toy from the top, flip open the lid, take out the money, replace the lid and the toy.  My own reasoning is that "x" removed the little toy, which weighed the lid down, to have a look at it, saw the lid slightly up which revealed the rolled up notes inside.
> ...


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## Sherman (21 Jul 2008)

MrMan said:


> I may have missed this point earlier, but are you sure that the money was in place before the dinner i.e when did you last check the cash before the dinner took place. I don't think you should limit your suspicions to the one person that you do not like because that sum of money could tempt a lot of people even family.


 
Good point. This whole story is starting to sound like _A Grand Don't Come for Free_ by 'urban poet', Mike Skinner...


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

Sherman said:


> Good point. This whole story is starting to sound like _A Grand Don't Come for Free_ by 'urban poet', Mike Skinner...



Love it - feel like the "Such A Twat" mentioned.


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

uiop said:


> An outside possibility is that hubby or someone close to you in your family whom you trust has a gambling/alcohol/substance abuse problem etc was overcome with the need for it and hence couldnt resist the money once it was uncovered. It may seem unlikely but it is not impossible.



OMG, I have been with him since *1964 *and if I don't know him by now I never will! Come to think of it, I've noticed him slipping the odd bottle of vino into the trolley at Tesco!


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## truthseeker (21 Jul 2008)

Well, just teasing out different possibilities - you seem fairly sure its the one person, in that case I suggest you go to the guards and tell them of your suspicions and why. Let them interview her.


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## cinders (21 Jul 2008)

Is there any chance someone moved the cash after they went to make coffee?


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## miselemeas (21 Jul 2008)

cinders said:


> Is there any chance someone moved the cash after they went to make coffee?



No, I made the coffee myself and used the cafetiere as its much handier  - don't really use the other thing so much now


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## Complainer (21 Jul 2008)

If you do decide to go to the Gardai, I'd suggest you do NOT let anyone else know that you have reported it. Let the Gardai do their job, and don't give suspect(s) lots of time to hide the evidence.


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## ClubMan (21 Jul 2008)

miselemeas said:


> Next day, when I went to get the money to bring to the bank, I discovered my money was missing. None of the guests were in the kitchen.  I trust my friend 100% but his gf has told me blatant lies in the past.


OK - put it this way to posters in general - would *YOU *convict anybody based on this evidence? I know that I wouldn't.


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## truthseeker (22 Jul 2008)

ClubMan said:


> OK - put it this way to posters in general - would *YOU *convict anybody based on this evidence? I know that I wouldn't.


 
No. Based on whats known Id simply call the guards and tell them there was money there on a particular date and then it was gone and in between there was a dinner party with the following guests, 2 of whom spent a large part of the evening in the kitchen - and then Id let the guards deal with questioning people.


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## redstar (22 Jul 2008)

At this stage, aren't the guards going to be a bit 'annoyed', for want of a better word, that you waited so long to report a crime ? (Assuming you do actually report it).


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## ClubMan (22 Jul 2008)

truthseeker said:


> No. Based on whats known Id simply call the guards and tell them there was money there on a particular date and then it was gone and in between there was a dinner party with the following guests, 2 of whom spent a large part of the evening in the kitchen - and then Id let the guards deal with questioning people.





uiop said:


> yeah exactly. thats exactly what I would do


Exactly.


redstar said:


> At this stage, aren't the guards going to be a bit 'annoyed', for want of a better word, that you waited so long to report a crime ? (Assuming you do actually report it).


Better late than never I suppose? 

But since the original poster seems unwilling to report the matter to the relevant authorities it seems to me that there's little that they can do.

On the original issue of whether or not to tell the friend that the original poster suspects his girlfriend of the theft it seems to me that without specific evidence to support such a suspicion this could be dodgy - e.g. potentially slanderous even.


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## MandaC (22 Jul 2008)

ClubMan said:


> On the original issue of whether or not to tell the friend that the original poster suspects his girlfriend of the theft it seems to me that without specific evidence to support such a suspicion this could be dodgy - e.g. potentially slanderous even.



Yes, totally agree that without evidence, it will be very difficult to approch the subject at all.


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## redstar (22 Jul 2008)

MandaC said:


> Yes, totally agree that without evidence, it will be very difficult to approch the subject at all.



Definitely - which is why its no good throwing suspicions here and there. OP could find themselves being sued if not careful.

Just let the guards investigate it, its their job.


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## z106 (22 Jul 2008)

So - has the OP made a decision on her course of acftion yet?

Surely there have been enoiugh replies at this point ?


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## miselemeas (22 Jul 2008)

Yes there have been enough replies, thanks to all who offered suggestions and help.  If there are any further developments I will post here


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## Bluebells (23 Jul 2008)

The only way to solve your dilemma is to "ask about money", loath as you are to do so. Make _everyone_ aware that money went missing on the night they were in your house.
Your friend should be able to draw his own conclusions if his girlfriend seemingly suddenly has lots of money. In fact you could be warning somebody else - you will probably never know.
 On the other hand, should you see a rift in a relationship, you may have a better idea where the money went.


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