# no money to repay loan-anxiety



## rossiewoman (17 Jun 2011)

i am just looking for some advice please

bit of backround information:
i really feel i am at the end of my tether. i feel as if my sanity is just going to snap one of these days

i am married and have three very small childen

i am the main earner here. i have a good paying job in the H.S.E. my husband was self employed, but has had no work for years now. his company was closed down but he had massive debts arising from that (3 loans). he is making payments on these, he was taken to court...they are small repayments i.e 2 X e50 p/month and 1xe75 p/month...


My husband is  suffering very badly with depression too. our life is just one big ball of stress. we just seem to be constantly worying about money. i think i would be better able to cope with all of this if i had the man i married here beside me, but he is a shadow of his former self. i just hate to see what has happened to him. he was very successful years ago and finds it hard to cope now that he's unemployed. our marriage is on the rocks too and i'm not sure if we will be together this time next year

we have a huge mortgage with one of the sub-prime lenders. we have cut back everything. we have no luxuries, we got rid of t.v too. basically my wage is used to feed, clothe us and pay the bills. the wait list for MABS was too long at the time so i initiated negotiations with mortgage provider, car loan provider (previous posts on here) and credit card people. 

thinking back, we have had about 5 years of stress and worry. we were getting letters and phone calls from sub prime lender and car loan people and from my husband's debtors. 

the problem is i have a college loan from years ago. balance is 18k right now. i had been paying e500 per month up until 2 years ago. then i wrote to the bank and explained everything about our situation. i sent them in a copy of our income and our outgoings. i suggested that i could pay e150 p/month.the bank would not accept these reduced payments. to cut a long story short, they closed down my current account and passed the debt on to a solicitor. solicitor accepted e150 p/month but i had a judgement made against me.
with the arrival of our 3rd child last year, finances that were already tight got tighter. i wrote to solictor explaining the situation, solicitor accepted e100 p/month. i paid that for a few months, however i have defaulted on it again. i got a letter from the solicitor yesterday saying they will initiate further legal action. i rang solicitor today, who i have to say was so nice to me on the phone. i told her the story. she advised me to go to MABS. 
i have our income and outgoings here on front of me, i know them off by heart at this stage. i just do not have the money to put into this loan.

has anyone any advice for me, please
and please, i am not talking about NOT paying back this loan, i am just asking is there anything i have not thought of?


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## browtal (17 Jun 2011)

Hi, 
I am sorry to hear of your plight. Money worries would test any marriage, and men seem to suffer more through unemployment.
I would like to encourage you to wait for MABS, they are excellent. They will take over the management of your finances, if you wish, and will not allow any bullying from creditors.
Best regards Browtal


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## PaddyBloggit (17 Jun 2011)

I'd suggest you post on the Money Makeover section here:

http://www.askaboutmoney.com/forumdisplay.php?f=62

and use this template when you start your thread:

http://www.askaboutmoney.com/showthread.php?t=61289

It will give people a better handle on your finances.


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## doughb (18 Jun 2011)

rossiewoman said:


> i am just asking is there anything i have not thought of?



Yes there is.

Emigrate. That is your best option. Start afresh and dont look back. Sounds simple but it really is.


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## dewdrop (18 Jun 2011)

Please accept my sincere smypathy for your plight.  It might sound trivial but no matter how bad things are they could be worse like being diagnosed with a fatal illness or such. Also remember, for what it is worth, that you are not alone with these problems.  There are many others out there with similar tragic stories. I will leave it to others to advise on the financial situation but i would strongly encourage you to do all you can to keep the marriage safe.  As  a  man i know how your husband feels but by trying to support one another you will both ride out the storm.


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## horusd (18 Jun 2011)

doughb said:


> Yes there is.
> 
> Emigrate. That is your best option. Start afresh and dont look back. Sounds simple but it really is.


 

Answers like this are best ignored as they are worse than useless. 

Clearly OP you're under great stress and need help to deal with this as your first priority. You and your husband will best manage the situation if both of you are feeling better and have a clearer perspective on things. Is there a free local counselling service that you/your spouse could use? Perhaps counselling is available thro you're job? Do you have some friend who is a good listener (as opposed to an overbearing talker/advice-giver)? Has your husband seen his Doctor about depression? Would it help to talk to Grow who deal with depression and mental health? See here for contact details.

As another poster suggested you are not alone in all this. Lots of people are in a similar boat, so you don't need to feel you are isolated. You have young children and that is stressful enough without all the add'l pressures. You can only do what is humanly possible, and counselling/good supports will help you see these limits and plan a way out of the mire.  Try to focus on a prioritized solution-based approach. Your physical and mental health are number ones, your marriage and your children are number two, debts are somewhere after that. Best of luck with this.


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## Guest105 (18 Jun 2011)

Hi rossiewoman,

I am also very sorry for your plight and I feel your stress just from reading your post.    

Your husband and 3 young children are your number one priority and there would be the ones I would be focusing most on at this very difficult time.

Your mention MABS are very busy but if you were to write to them and outline to them what you have written above you would very quickly get an appointment for I feel yours is a very urgent case.

Your husband has lost his confidence, he feels a failure, hopelessness has set in and he is at a loss as to how to help you or his children. Its a common enough scenearo and one that is replicated across the country and it dosen't help when there are mounting debts to be paid.  I have friends who are in a similiar situation and the stress involved in caring for the depressed person and trying to pay the bills is often intolerable for the partner.

Do the money make over section, you will get plenty of advcise here also it might be worth your while contacting the citizen information to see if there are any welfare benefits you could claim.  Is your husband on sickness benefits or disability allowance, are there any training courses, educational courses etc he could get involved with?? 

He needs something to get up for in the morning, something to look forward to even if the training allowance is small it will help. 

Look after your own mental health, go for a walk on your own every day if it was only for 15 minutes.  I think you are fantastic for being able to cope and keep saying to yourself that your family *will* overcome this difficult phrase. You have put the motions for help in place by posting here.


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## Mommah (18 Jun 2011)

Hi Rossie

I too feel great sympathy for you.
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job.

You really really need to keep your cool and find some way to enjoy life too.

My analysis is that debt wise you are in a stronger position than you realise. The creditors cannot get blood out of stone and although they will harass and pressurise you, you can only pay what you can pay.

So you need to stop worrying about the debts...just pay what you can pay.

I think where you need to come up with a strategy is how to manage your husbands depression.
This is a much more serious threat to the well being of the family.

Your dh needs to get his mojo back somehow.
Ideally by getting more work or a job.
But there are other ways.
Going back to education, maybe an evening course so he can continue to mind the kids in the daytime.
A fitness goal. I know a few male friends who recently did the wicklow 200km cycle race. Exercise is great for depression and the sense of achievement in doing something like that is fantastic for a man.
He starts to feel himself getting fit, having some goals and feeling good about himself again.

Of course he should also see his doctor.
You reinforcing that what he is doing is helping and how much you appreciate his help and support will also build him up.

It requires ALOT of energy and depression is catching...but you can fight it as a family.


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## Brendan Burgess (18 Jun 2011)

As Paddy suggested, you should post the details in the Moneymakeover section. 

It's important for us to know the size of your mortgage, the interest rate and the value of the house  before anyone can make any financial suggestions.

Brendan


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## rossiewoman (18 Jun 2011)

i want to thank everyone for taking the time to reply, i couldn't believe all the replies when i logged on just now. i really appreciate it. this post is just to acknowledge all your posts. i will post back again when i get a chance


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## jackswift (18 Jun 2011)

horusd said:


> Answers like this are best ignored as they are worse than useless.


 I wouldn't call that answer useless. If you emigrate and stay out of the country for 12 years your debts will be written off.


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## Guest105 (18 Jun 2011)

jackswift said:


> I wouldn't call that answer useless. If you emigrate and stay out of the country for 12 years your debts will be written off.


 

Come on now, we have got to be realistic here, the OP is already coping with a sick husband and 3 very small children. It would be extremely difficult for her to also cope with the upheaval of facing the prospects of emigration and where on earth could she go, New York? London? Berlin? you need money to get to all of those places. 

Emigration is ok for the single guy or maybe a familywho are in good health but definitely a no no for this person. She has a good job and with the right help she will get herself out of the difficulties she is presently presented with. I hate it when some posters suggest emigration as a means to an end but that is not always the case.


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## jackswift (18 Jun 2011)

cashier said:


> Come on now, we have got to be realistic here, the OP is already coping with a sick husband and 3 very small children. It would be extremely difficult for her to also cope with the upheaval of facing the prospects of emigration and where on earth could she go, New York? London? Berlin? you need money to get to all of those places.
> 
> Emigration is ok for the single guy or maybe a familywho are in good health but definitely a no no for this person. She has a good job and with the right help she will get herself out of the difficulties she is presently presented with. I hate it when some posters suggest emigration as a means to an end but that is not always the case.


 It is an option not an order


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## z107 (18 Jun 2011)

I don't understand what's wrong with the emigration idea?
It would certainly be the first thing I would think of. There probably isn't much of a future in Ireland for your children anyway.

Maybe your husband could go first. If he found a job, that surely would improve your situation.

At least worth considering I would have thought.


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## Guest105 (18 Jun 2011)

umop3p!sdn said:


> Maybe your husband could go first. If he found a job, that surely would improve your situation.
> 
> At least worth considering I would have thought.


 
The OP's husband is ill, he is unable to emigrate and find a job.


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## Complainer (18 Jun 2011)

umop3p!sdn said:


> I don't understand what's wrong with the emigration idea?
> It would certainly be the first thing I would think of.



So you're going to treat a stress-related mental health condition (depression) by adding additional stress and isolation from friends and family into the mix?


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## jackswift (19 Jun 2011)

Complainer said:


> So you're going to treat a stress-related mental health condition (depression) by adding additional stress and isolation from friends and family into the mix?


 The stress is caused by money worries if you can get rid of the money worries the stress will ease fairly rapidly


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## Complainer (19 Jun 2011)

jackswift said:


> The stress is caused by money worries if you can get rid of the money worries the stress will ease fairly rapidly



Congratulations on your ability to diagnose a serious mental health condition based on a 2nd hand one line description of the condition. Now if only the rest of our health services could follow your examples, we'd have all those pesky patients fixed in no time.


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## Mommah (19 Jun 2011)

The OP should consider all options including the emigration option.
However she has a good job here.
She probably has family and friends to support her here.
Whether she stays or goes she still has the debt to deal with .

So the emigration option is only valid if both her and her dh could secure well paying jobs and good schools/childcare for the 3 kids.

One option is for her dh to emigrate alone to get work.
Some of my neighbours have chosen this option.
But marriage wise it is high risk.

I have emigrated to 3 different countries, once with small kids.
It is more likely to be a solution for single people.
The initial set up costs of emigration for a family are extremely high.

Personally unless her dh has the option of a good job abroad I would stay put.


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## z107 (19 Jun 2011)

Complainer said:


> So you're going to treat a stress-related mental health condition (depression) by adding additional stress and isolation from friends and family into the mix?



Congratulations on your ability to diagnose a serious mental health condition based on a 2nd hand one line description of the condition. Now if only the rest of our health services could follow your examples, we'd have all those pesky patients fixed in no time.


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## Guest105 (22 Jun 2011)

castaway said:


> yes i know how you are feeling for starters it is an awful situation to wake eat sleep and breathe money all for trying to be a good citezen and repay your debts.There is a family income supplement which i think you would be entitled to,for starters.people dont understand what debt issues can do to a person and the anxiety it can cause .People in ireland are very smug and this govt has done nothing to alleviate the situation I was in similar position but am fighting back.And so are lots of others.you have to think against all odds there is a long road with no turning.But what I have learned through all of this is dont isolate people from you ,you need them some will understand and others wont but maybe they have other issues .Health is no1and you need to protect this.Also no one knows this week or next week if they will miraculously inherit or win money its always a possibility.You must take small steps and deal with each case step by step.And keep going back to your lenders to negotiate with them.Deal with one thing at a time and each approach to a different lender is a small step in the right direction.This is a worldwide crisis not just yours and mine but you must stay focused and do lots of walking it does not cost anything and a great stress buster,there are lots of people in different countries suffering the same way,My family think I am obsessed with money but it is in fact obsessed with debt and how to elliminate it out of my life for good,So keep chin up and tell yourself you can do it and then you will feel better,when your husband sees this he will start to feel better so you will start to get the feel good factor ,then things start to lift and little by little small progress starts to be made.cheer up!


 

Well done castaway, that is a very positive post.


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