# Alternatives to a "traditional" wedding



## Rebelette (4 Jul 2007)

Firstly, I have searched www.weddingsonline.ie, but there is nothing relevant and I figure AAM readers would have just as good info/advice!
Planning to get married next year, but I dont want the whole big church wedding, big reception type thing. Myself and my better half did up a list, and we are nearly at 300 already!
My idea would be to have family only at the church, have a really nice meal with just family again, and then have a big party that evening, much like an afters, with all our friends and family. My better half is slowly coming around to the idea, but he keeps saying he's afraid it will be "cr*p", and "we" would have to make sure we do it properly!
So I would love to hear from others who have done this type of wedding, for ideas and advice on what does and doesnt work.
Thanks


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## gnashers (4 Jul 2007)

My Cousin had a similar wedding a couple of weeks ago. They had a small service at about 4.00 with just immediate family (about 12 in all) and then they went to the Merrion for dinner. They had a small gathering later on, at 9.00 the rest of us (about 30) joined them in the Cellar bar for drinks and some finger food. I thought it was really lovely. I'd like to do something similar myself... but like you with a bigger bash in the evening.

I'd say make a list for yourself of all the parts of the wedding that you like and are important to you, discard everything else and work the evening around what you like.


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## Firefly (4 Jul 2007)

I'd be careful to not exclude people, esp people you are expecting to travel for your wedding. I can see where you are coming from but can also appreciate people thinking you're creating a "them and us" scenario.


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## Thrifty1 (4 Jul 2007)

Thats what myself and DH wanted, more of a personal family experience. In order for us to do this we got married abroad (Dubrovnik). We would also have "had" to invite about 300 guests and have done the traditional big irish wedding.
Obviously its not everyones cup of tea, getting married abroad but for us it was the best way and everyone invited (26 people) really enjoyed it.
Im sure you could have what you want in Ireland but be warned people will complain whatever you do.


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## danaforever (4 Jul 2007)

Oh Gawd, do you know 300 people?  Why not make it personal and intimate and invite just family and close friends, chances are out of the 300 you could have to your wedding, you wont see most of them again regularly anyway. Would all of the 300 expect an invite?


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## muppetini (4 Jul 2007)

Hi.  We got married 10 years ago.  We had immediate family (10) at our service - in a registry office.  And then had a meal in the Burlington, then a party for 100 people, only very close friends and family.
We were lucky that no one in our families objected to this.  Including meal, finger food for later all uner £2k.
If you're looking for advice, do it your way -it's your day!


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## ClubMan (4 Jul 2007)

muppetini said:


> Hi.  We got married 10 years ago.  We had immediate family (10) at our service - in a registry office.  And then had a meal in the Burlington, then a party for 100 people, only very close friends and family.
> We were lucky that no one in our families objected to this.  Including meal, finger food for later all uner £2k.
> If you're looking for advice, do it your way -it's your day!


We did more or less the same thing - registry office, the meal for immediate family in _The Schoolhouse _on _Northumberland Road_, and hooked up with others later. We told people not to buy presents but some still insisted. This arrangement suited us. Others should suit themselves. Under no circumstances should etiquette or anybody else tell you what you *must *do in this situation.


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## Killter (4 Jul 2007)

i agree with Clubman. its your day so dont worry about upsetting people. u cant please everyone.
we're planning to sign registery here, close friends and family only and going to croatia where we know a great little restaraunt that will close its doors for us. a priest friend will do a quick ceremony. small and simple.

best of luck


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## huskerdu (4 Jul 2007)

We had a registry office wedding and a family meal. 
A week later we had a big party and invited everyone. Both events were brilliant and were exactly what we wanted.


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## terrysgirl33 (4 Jul 2007)

Not exactly the same thing, but a work colleague was at a cousins wedding.  They had the church thing, with everybody there, then they had a meal in a resturaunt for imediate family, aunts and uncles.  Cousins/friends went and made their own arrangements to eat, then everybody met up afterwards for the party.  Everyone understood they couldn't afford to feed everyone, and everyone had a good time.


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## brian.mobile (4 Jul 2007)

How about the couple who invited everyone to their engagement party and handed out little envelopes with pictures of them _getting married_ on a beach in Paradise. 

Priceless.

Remember: 'have to' attitudes are for serfs!

S


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## Adrian1 (5 Jul 2007)

My wife and I got married in 2001, we had 25 people including 4 preists and us. My friends to this day say it was the best wedding they were ever at. The church and dinner were very personal and very well catered.
we had a lot at the afters and a free bar (a wonder anyone remembers it at all !!) an extra bonus was the deposit for our house that we saved by not doing the 250 + wedding.


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## Caveat (5 Jul 2007)

Thrifty1 said:


> be warned people will complain whatever you do.


 
...very true.  You could be very lucky and everyone will be totally understanding and accomodating but be prepared for some noses being put out of joint!


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## TDON (5 Jul 2007)

You are going to get complaints (not to your face obviously  ) no matter what you do. Goes with the territory of the wedding day. If you invite 200 people to the main event and then ask 100 to the Afters, some of that 100 some people will have bigger egos and are going to think they werent as important as the people at the main event. Personally, I don't understand why some people get caught up on this, but c'est la vie!!!

Therefore, I think having a small wedding (main ceremony & meal) means you offend less people. They will say to themselves, well fine, it was only immediate family and his/her best friend at the ceremony).

You can word the Evening/Afters invites such as "we would really love you to join us at X etc. to help us celebrate our marriage to one another.

Do have a nice healthy & variable buffet though. Not essentialy extravagant, but something a bit more than sandwiches and cocktail sausages. Vol-au-Vonts and chicken dippers etc. Don't forget vegetarians and tell caterers, this does not mean they eat cheese sandwiches instead. If the reception is out the country, it might also be an idea to put on a bus to and from a central pick up point in the town most people will be coming from.You could probably get this quite reasonable if you shopped around.

Happy planning & enjoy.


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## Firefly (5 Jul 2007)

Call me old-fashioned but I like the big wedding. When I got married to the loverly Mrs Firefly, I really enjoyed seeing all the people we know at the church. Many couples focus on the hotel/band/meal part of the day (as it requires more organising), but the ceremony for me is/was the most important part of the day and we loved having everyone there.


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## ClubMan (5 Jul 2007)

I would imagine that the ceremony is important for most couples. Not necessarily a religious one though.


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## CCOVICH (5 Jul 2007)

Isn't it now possible (due to a recent change in legislation?) to get married wherever you want, i.e. it doesn't have to be in a church/registry office?


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## ClubMan (5 Jul 2007)

As far as I know that is the case nowadays.


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## Oilean Beag (5 Jul 2007)

Legislation to allow civil cermony in other locations is not in force until November 2007 and from then on only in locations approved by HSE . 


http://www.groireland.ie/reform_of_marriage_law_2007.htm


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## Oilean Beag (5 Jul 2007)

OP, would you consider as mentioned above, having a small wedding in total in Ireland . For example approx 50 closest family & friends. Thats 25 people each and look into small venues/ restaurants that will let you book for exclusive use for the day. That way you can use use the old 'oh we wish we could have evryone but the venue just doesn't cater for it...........' excuse. 

It never ceases to amaze me how Irish people get all het up about weddings and how so many couples know 300 people intimately enough to 'have to' invite them to such a personal occasion. Different strokes for different folks, I say. Do what you and your future husband want to do on your wedding day.


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## collieb (5 Jul 2007)

It would be interesting to know what sort of criteria the HSE will be using when 'inspecting' new locations!! I'm not sure I see the link between a location for getting married and the HSE...


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## CCOVICH (5 Jul 2007)

SNB said:


> Legislation to allow civil cermony in other locations is not in force until November 2007 and from then on only in locations approved by HSE .
> 
> 
> http://www.groireland.ie/reform_of_marriage_law_2007.htm


 
That's bizaare (the HSE inpsection).  I was told of someone who got married in a hotel recently, wonder if it's legal?


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## Rebelette (5 Jul 2007)

SNB said:


> OP, would you consider as mentioned above, having a small wedding in total in Ireland . For example approx 50 closest family & friends. Thats 25 people each and look into small venues/ restaurants that will let you book for exclusive use for the day. That way you can use use the old 'oh we wish we could have evryone but the venue just doesn't cater for it...........' excuse.


It really has to be all or nothing i.e. limit it to just family, or invite all our family and friends. We could probably knock maybe 30 or 40 off the list, but the remainder of the list is made up of our families, his group of friends and my group of friends. That's why I think if we say it's close family only, no one will/can get offended. I suppose what we are really looking for is how to make the "afters" not look like a cheap affair, and how to make it fun for everyone - thanks to TDON for your comments. Completely agree about the vegetarian options!


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## Nige (5 Jul 2007)

CCOVICH said:


> That's bizaare (the HSE inpsection). I was told of someone who got married in a hotel recently, wonder if it's legal?


 
some counties have their registry office in a hotel, so maybe that was the case.

The reason the HSE have to inspect venues is because, for some unknown reason, the Registrar (and civil weddings) fall within the remit of the HSE.


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## CCOVICH (5 Jul 2007)

But why does anybody have to inspect anything?  To make sure it exists?

The case I referred to was that someone had excercised their rights to get married anywhere by getting married in a hotel, so I assumed that the legislation was in force, which doesn't seem to be the case.


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## ClubMan (5 Jul 2007)

CCOVICH said:


> But why does anybody have to inspect anything?  To make sure it exists?


Maybe to ensure that it's safe to cater for groups of people - e.g. fire safety, adequate toilet/acceident/emergency facilities etc.?


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## brian.mobile (5 Jul 2007)

I believe the 'Humanist Society' are very popular for the Ceremony side of things also. They do a nice non-religious option.

BM


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## CCOVICH (5 Jul 2007)

I guess that's one explanation-but does this apply specifically to weddings, or does it also apply to birthday parties etc. e.g. the sort of gatherings that are normally held in private residences?


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## Nige (5 Jul 2007)

CCOVICH said:


> I guess that's one explanation-but does this apply specifically to weddings, or does it also apply to birthday parties etc. e.g. the sort of gatherings that are normally held in private residences?


 
The Registrar is not required to attend birthday parties and the legislation on the suitable venues sets certain standards (public access and the like) and so the venues have to be approved.


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## CCOVICH (5 Jul 2007)

Fair enough-a wedding has to be open to the public etc. yes?


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## huskerdu (6 Jul 2007)

I cant remember the details, but when the legislation was originally announced, they made very clear that some venues would not be accepted and the inspection is to check that the venue meets the guidelines which will be in place.  They really meant anything tacky like football pitches and skydiving would not be acceptable.


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## ClubMan (6 Jul 2007)

ClubMan said:


> Maybe to ensure that it's safe to cater for groups of people - e.g. fire safety, adequate toilet/acceident/emergency facilities etc.?


Sorry - I misread _HSE _as _HS*A* _earlier.


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## CCOVICH (6 Jul 2007)

huskerdu said:


> They really meant anything tacky like football pitches and skydiving would not be acceptable.


 
That seems like very subjective criteria, i.e. what is tacky to some may have meaning/significance for others?


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## rob30 (6 Jul 2007)

I do not get the big irish wedding thing. 2 Friends of mine just got married in Italy this week, just the 2 of them and 2 witnesses. There was only minimal trouble organising it and no hint of bridezilla moments.
I personally love it when there is a clash of dates with a wedding I have been invited to and another commitment. Big and flouncy weddings are quite dull for many of the guests.
Go do your own thing, enjoy the time you have together when you get married, and dont worry about people who want you to pay for a big day out for them. 
[broken link removed]
here is some information from the irish humanist movement on ceremonies.


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## jennying (9 Jul 2007)

Like a lot of people nowadays we wanted a small wedding (only 35 people + us).  

We originally though of going to our favourite place in the US and flying over just our parents.  However in the end we decided on a small village in Kerry.  We have reserved a small resturaunt for the day and our families are staying locally in holiday homes for the week of the wedding. (not all 35 mind you!!).  

Everyone I have spoken to since about it thinks its the best idea.  Our complete wedding will cost less than the price of a reception in any hotel. and it will be more meaningful for us and our families.

Assuming everything goes to plan we will be married in 7 weeks!!  We are not stressed and most of our family are looking forward to the breakaway as much as the wedding itself!!


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## CKT (9 Jul 2007)

Go to Vegas, been there and done it, best decision we ever made 30+ family and friends came with us.


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## michaelm (9 Jul 2007)

Rebelette said:


> My idea would be to have family only at the church, have a really nice meal with just family again, and then have a big party that evening, much like an afters, with all our friends and family.


We had a simple church wedding followed by a meal in the restaurant of a local hotel, which was very nice, before retiring for the evening to the bar for plenty of Guinness and song.

 Only immediate family and a few close friends attended (36); the priest was a friend of mine; there was no video or photographer to get in the way or annoy guests (we got copies of the best photos that guests took); no band or DJ just ballads and banter; my wife did the Mass books, no invites as we spoke to those involved 2 weeks before; the rings didn't cost a fortune nor did we go to Antwerp; my wife's brother drove her to the church in his perfectly good car; my wife's mother made the dresses for the bride and bridesmaid; myself and the Best Man wore normal suits; don't think there was much spent on flowers but the church happened to be bedecked in flowers from a wedding the previous day. Didn't bother with any party/afters.  We had a great day and it was stress free . . and if we had it do do over again we'd do the same.


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## sadie (10 Jul 2007)

We originally set out to do the lunch for family only and then the party afterwards, but in the end decided have everyone to a more informal kind of reception. We only had 75 people, but we did the church thing then went to the upstairs function room of the Harbourmaster, friends and family did the table decorations, flowers etc. We had a simple buffet - choice of 2 hot dishes plus salads, and a dessert and the chocolate wedding cake was another dessert. With wine at the dinner and one drink for everyone for the toast it came out at just over 3k for the whole reception (including a wine reception when people came in). We had a couple of musicians while people came in and then a disco after the food (no sitting around waiting for the crappy band to be over). We banned our parents from inviting people we hardly knew who they 'owed' a wedding to. If you are paying for it yourself do it your own way, if your folks have budgeted for it and are helping you pay for it - just spend the money and have the big day - you're worth it!!


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