# Changing your surname after getting married - why?



## becky (15 Aug 2008)

I work in a large organisation where there is what seems like a wedding a week. 

I see a lot of women change their surnames and it I have always wondered why people would to this. 

I decided years ago that I would never change mine but am curious to hear why people do it and if they didn't, how they got on.


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## Bubbly Scot (15 Aug 2008)

I changed mine when I got married so I'd have the same surname as my husband and kids.
A friend uses her maiden name professionally and married name for everything else because she had built up a career prior to aquiring a hubby.


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## DavyJones (15 Aug 2008)

My wife said she would change her name but didn't. The only time she uses my name is when she is talking to someone on my behalf. It doesn't bother me. The kids have my name which is nice.


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## S.L.F (15 Aug 2008)

My wife also kept her name, only because she can't stand my family.

I keep telling her she should change her second name to mine but she keeps ignoring me.

I dare say if I forced the issue I'd have to get used to sleeping in the shed.


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## Caveat (15 Aug 2008)

There was a thread on this last year http://www.askaboutmoney.com/showthread.php?t=62005


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## eileen alana (15 Aug 2008)

It makes it easier for the postman


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## LMNOP (15 Aug 2008)

After the kids arrived, I was the odd one out with a different name.. so I eventually conformed! Causes endless confussion in work though.


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## TreeTiger (15 Aug 2008)

I didn't change my name and it caused a few problems - for other people, not me!  My mother couldn't understand it - "do you not love him"  and it took years to get her to stop using my "new" name.  A friend who did a lot of my financial stuff decided it would be a nice surprise to have any shares I had put into my "new" name, and then was insulted that I wasn't pleased.  Some male friends who knew I wasn't changing my name persisted in calling me "Mrs TreeTiger's husband's name" but I got my own back when they married by calling them by their wives surnames!

Some years ago I was trying to find some people I'd been to school with and it was a pain where women had changed their names on marriage.  In this day and age I don't get it.


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## DavyJones (15 Aug 2008)

TreeTiger said:


> Some male friends who knew I wasn't changing my name persisted in calling me "Mrs TreeTiger's husband's name" but I got my own back when they married by calling them by their wives surnames!
> 
> Some years ago I was trying to find some people I'd been to school with and it was a pain where women had changed their names on marriage.  In this day and age I don't get it.



Before I got marreid my wife suggested I take her name since she comes from a famliy of women. I thought about it. I can see who someone would lke to keep their  name.  A single surname for one person is far better than that doulbe barrell stuff.


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## my2leftfeet (15 Aug 2008)

"I did not take my husbands surname when we got married [11 years ago]. I never even considered it. Just remembering that when we got engaged the FIRST question my father asked me was what was my name going to be - I replied "the same as it always was". He was actually chuffed.
I suppose the main reason I didn't change my name was that I felt I would be losing part of my identity ... I would no longer be known by the name I had been known through my life to that point and people I would meet after I changed my name would never have known me under my original name. That was important to me. Also, throughout my career I have been known by my maiden name and it would have made no sense to change it.
We have two children ... both have their fathers surname ... and to date there has never been an issue. My husband, while he probably would have preferred me to take his name, did not have an issue with me not taking it. I don't mind at all being referred to as Mrs xxxx, and if I am making a hotel or restaurant booking for us I would always make it under his name.
For most of our couple friends ... the wife did change her name. 
Shortly after we got engaged met an older lady at a drinks party. the topic came up and she was absolutely shocked when she heard I would not be changing my name. She said "but people might think he wouldn't marry you"! I think attitudes have moved on a bit since then!

Above is what I posted when the topic came up last year ... still stands. We have encountered one issue since where flights were booked for us by friends for a weekend away. My flight was booked in married name ... and my passport is in maiden name.  They never thought to ask and we never thought to say.  Had to pay for name change.


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## Brianne (15 Aug 2008)

When I married in the early 1981, I kept my maiden name both at work and at home.At that time, it wasn't very common to do this. I like my own name and it was no problem apart from a rather young solicitor who did her best to tell me that I would have to change it. My mother still doesn't understand and needless to say , the mother in law,still writes the birthday card to Mrs. Our children use my husband's name as I really don't like the double barrelled names . I wonder what will happen in the future when the eg. Ryan-Mc Carthy marries the Moloney Murphy.


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## A_b (16 Aug 2008)

becky said:


> I see a lot of women change their surnames and it I have always wondered why people would to this.



to annoy their IT department!!!


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## boris (16 Aug 2008)

Got married last year and my wife didn't change her name which doesn't bother me (I wouldn't change mine). 

She was at a function a few weeks ago sending athletes to the Olympics and was sitting next to a man in his late eighties. When he was introducing my wife to someone he asked her for her surname. 

She was surprised as he knew him for years and said what it was. "No your married name" he replied. She said that she had not changed. "Ah good I hate all that rubbish" he replied.

Must have been a form of peer pressure to change your name years ago.  Thank God the same form of pressure is not there anymore


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## truthseeker (16 Aug 2008)

I am getting married soon and I will be changing my name.
I am quite happy for people to either keep their own names or change them. Its up to the individual. 
I like the idea of taking my husbands name, then if we have children that we would all be part of one family unit with the same name. I also have some personal reasons for preferring to leave behind the name of my family of origin.
I questioned himself and he is not bothered whether or not I change it. I cant see it being a formal change though, more something that creeps up with time as I renew things like passport, drivers licence etc..


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## Ash 22 (16 Aug 2008)

Thats an interesting point made by my2leftfeet about losing your identity. Never thought of it that way, and there is something nice about keeping the name you grew up with.


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## Teabag (16 Aug 2008)

Some ladies are reluctant to change their surname if its a 'nice' surname and their husbands is not so 'nice'. And the opposite is true too, if the ladies dont like their current surname, they will jump at the chance to change to the husband's name.

For example, if she was called Mary Gilhooley and the husband had a surname of O'Reilly or Smurfit etc, she would jump at the chance to change...
whereas is he was Mary O'Reilly and the husband surname was McGillycuddy or McGhee or Crilly....no chance.

Apologies in advance to any Gilhooleys, McGillycuddys, McGhees, Crillys out there....


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## Vanilla (16 Aug 2008)

What's wrong with the name 'McGillycuddy'? Or the others mentioned for that matter?

And no, my name isn't McGillycuddy!

I arrived back at work some years ago after getting married to find the firm I was working for had changed my name on the letterhead. Cue some awful shenanigans trying to convince clients I was the same person, seeing if my professional body needed to change my name, colleagues in glee ( Mr.V has an awful 'foreign' name). 

I never changed my name with the professional body, and left the firm soon after when I reverted, quickly, to my 'real' name. 

Still get people saying- are you the same as Vanilla Foreigner...aargh!


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## The_Banker (17 Aug 2008)

When I got married my wife wanted to take my surname but I wouldn't let her.

No one should want to give up there name.


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## juke (17 Aug 2008)

The_Banker said:


> No one should want to give up there name.


Sure we all come from different angles. 

Me - not married - but would only marry for kids anyway - and this would be only reason to change the name - hate the double barrel names - and sadly after 10 odd years *his* mum thinks longevity in enough to pass the name anyway (god forbid what lengths she'd go to if we had kids!- why marry?????)
Professionally - would have to think very very hard....am known for *me*    not  mrs x. 

So lets follow ms briann et al...


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## GeneralZod (17 Aug 2008)

I think changing the name to that of the man sends a not so subtle message that they're not as serious about their careers as the ones with a more independent spirit that keep their names. 

It's like putting a sign up saying "get ready for me to have kids and take maternity leave, possibly never to be seen again".


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## Ciaraella (18 Aug 2008)

I will definitely be changing my name when I marry, I'm lucky that I like my boyfriends surname. I like the idea of becoming mr's x when I marry, but I don't think there's anything wrong with not changing. Personally I like the idea of my children, myself and my future husband all having the same surname. My nickname comes from my surname so I could see that causing some confusion down the line when I meet new people after getting married! And I have a brother to carry on the name, I'm not sure how I'd feel if I only had sisters and we all took married names. I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn't like the surname not to be carried on.


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## tink (18 Aug 2008)

I wouldn't change my name as I feel i have worked hard in my career and wonder if I changed my name would anyone know who I was and also because I don't think my name goes very well with my partner's name ! I also hate the double barrelled names Sarah Doyle O'Brien etc its cr*p and pretentious !


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## purpeller (21 Aug 2008)

What do people think of the idea of a woman being married, not changing her own name and the children having her name instead of their father's?
I personally like this idea but anytime I've ever mentioned it to male friends, they've been horrified.  I know traditionally it was a way to stamp paternity on your children but these days plenty of unmarried fathers have children with their partner's surname.


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## tara83 (21 Aug 2008)

Personally I don't unterstand why someone would change their name when married.  It's like saying you now belong to that person.  My mother married in the 70's and kept her maiden name.  I can remember one particular teacher saying to me that he would only accept notes from my mother - think he was quite embarrassed when I pointed out that the note was from my mother.  I was given my father's surname but my parents told me I could change it if I wanted too.


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## casiopea (21 Aug 2008)

When I didnt change my name I was most surprised by friends my own age,  having issues with it.  My in-laws, husband and my parents didnt mind either way.  

One female friend said to me, when I informed her that I was sticking with my maiden name, "..but who will I send the christmas card to?" to which I said "the same person as last year?"


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## Phibbleberry (26 Aug 2008)

I always assumed I would if/when I get married for tradition etc..(plus, like others have said, I've brothers to keep the family name going)....the only thing is that my (potential/probable) MIL and I share the same name, so if we do marry and I take his name, I literally become his mother!!

I imagine I'll keep my name for work but otherwise change our mortgage/joint accounts into his name and change passport/drivers licence etc..as they come up. If we're lucky enough to have kids, I'd rather travel on a passport with the same name as the kids, in case hes not with me - I've heard it can be a nightmare otherwise ('prove their yours etc..)..


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## advisor (26 Aug 2008)

Phibbleberry said:


> If we're lucky enough to have kids, I'd rather travel on a passport with the same name as the kids, in case hes not with me - I've heard it can be a nightmare otherwise ('prove their yours etc..)..


 
Have been married for 11 years eldest child 10 and both of us with different surnames and I have never been stopped at the airport, passport control etc.,


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## Pique318 (26 Aug 2008)

Apparently in the US, the trend is now to merge both names...ie Brennan & Dunne could be Dunnan or Brunne. Jones & Kelly could be Jelly or Jolly etc.


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## truthseeker (26 Aug 2008)

Pique318 said:


> Apparently in the US, the trend is now to merge both names...ie Brennan & Dunne could be Dunnan or Brunne. Jones & Kelly could be Jelly or Jolly etc.


 
So are both parties changing their names then?
Must get complicated for people doing family trees etc...


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## FredBloggs (26 Aug 2008)

Pique318 said:


> Apparently in the US, the trend is now to merge both names...ie Brennan & Dunne could be Dunnan or Brunne. Jones & Kelly could be Jelly or Jolly etc.


 
Alright - but what if Miss Cuff had the misfortune to marry Mr Went


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## Blossy (26 Aug 2008)

Although i like the idea of becoming Mrs 'X ', i love my surname its extremely rare, i called my child double barrelled name and i have a few friends that did the same, as in the child was registerred double name but after years and after they got married on his rolla is school he is called the family name, he goes by the family name and is only double on legal documents/ passports etc. Works for them! 

i think u spend more of your life(depending on the length of your marriage  )in your married name, so if my surname wasnt so unusual i would def change to his name.


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## Purple (26 Aug 2008)

Women should only change their name if their husband tells them to...
.
.
.
.
.
(he ducks for cover)


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## LDFerguson (27 Aug 2008)

Purple said:


> Women should only change their name if their husband tells them to...
> .
> .
> .
> ...


 
Agreed.  It all started going wrong when we gave them the vote.  

(Safe in the knowledge that Mrs. F. doesn't frequent Askaboutmoney.)


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## huskerdu (27 Aug 2008)

To answer the original question

Reasons for changing your name when you get married

1) Tradition - Some people love tradition, never been much of a fan of it myself

2) Its easier if the family all have the same name - True, but plenty of families seem to survive without this convenience

3) Its "Romantic" according to some women I know, which is just puke inducing. 

Reasons for NOT changing your name

1) Its my name, why should I change it ?

2) It might really annoy your parents and in-laws, which is always entertaining. 

3) Marks you out as someone with strong opinions who thinks that
traditions such as this one should be buried ( or a stroppy lippy 
bint who will never do what she is told), which is the best reason of all.


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## Pique318 (27 Aug 2008)

huskerdu said:


> ( or a stroppy lippy
> bint who will never do what she is told), which is the best reason of all.



So you like being referred to as a stroppy lippy bint ?

Fairy nuff


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## Purple (27 Aug 2008)

huskerdu said:


> To answer the original question
> 
> Reasons for changing your name when you get married
> 
> ...


Are you married?


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## dem_syhp (27 Aug 2008)

huskerdu said:


> To answer the original question
> 
> 3) Marks you out as someone with strong opinions who thinks that
> traditions such as this one should be buried ( or a stroppy lippy
> bint who will never do what she is told), which is the best reason of all.


 
Okay, I'm not married so maybe not really entitled to have an opinion on this. But I'm sticking my tupence in anyway. 

IF I was in a profession that I'd worked to build up a name then I would keep my name, or at least in a professional capacity. However, my first preference would be to have the same name as the rest of my family going forward. 

I have strong opinions - My personality/identity stands out on it's own without feeling a reliance on a name. I think things would be easier if we shared a name - particularly if children were involved.

On the other hand, if someone wants to keep their name - they can knock themselves out. Makes absolutly no difference to me.


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## deedee80 (27 Aug 2008)

I'm definitely going to change my name when I get married!  I can't wait to get married and the old romantic in me can't wait to have the same name as my hubby, and hopefully any children we have in the future.  I just think it makes it more evident to people that we are a family, our own happy little unit.  I just think of it as a nice tradition and part and parcel of the whole of ideal of being married to someone.

If he had a really horrible name though I wouldn't take it 

I know that some women are appalled at the thought of changing ones name but I really am always at a loss as to why people get so hot under the collar about it.  As far as I am concerned a name is just a name.  My last name is most certainly not my identity.  I will not change in any way as a person when I get married.  The person that I am, my personality, things that I have achieved, things I strive to achieve...all these things make up my identity.  
I think the idea that if you change your name the man in some way owns you/has power over you is a completely rediculous, I mean seriously, who would marry a man like this in the first place!


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## FredBloggs (27 Aug 2008)

LDFerguson said:


> Agreed. It all started going wrong when we gave them the vote.
> 
> (Safe in the knowledge that Mrs. F. doesn't frequent Askaboutmoney.)


 
They have the vote?


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## dem_syhp (27 Aug 2008)

FredBloggs said:


> They have the vote?


 

Fear not, our men folk bring us there.  Well I couldn't just drive there on my own, I'm normally at home cleaning up, and tell us how to vote.   All those forms are just too confusing for my head.


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## Purple (27 Aug 2008)

dem_syhp said:


> Fear not, our men folk bring us there.  Well I couldn't just drive there on my own, I'm normally at home cleaning up, and tell us how to vote.   All those forms are just too confusing for my head.



Quite right!


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## mell61 (27 Aug 2008)

Mr Mell was kind enough to go down on bended knee 1 month after I renewed my passport for 10 years!  As passport office will only issue me another one on full payment, i decided to change my name as things came along.
So healthwise my medical records are in married name as I had to change doctor soon after marrying, driving license is in married name, and gradually as I visit various banks / building societies (where I hide my dosh from said husband ) I've changed my name !
Workwise I've not changed as i hadn't really considered it until the day before the wedding when they called to ask if I wanted it done while I was away on honeymoon (i was standing in a skip at the time so gave a curt 'no')...


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## LDFerguson (27 Aug 2008)

mell61 said:


> ...i hadn't really considered it until the day before the wedding when they called to ask if I wanted it done while I was away on honeymoon (i was standing in a skip at the time so gave a curt 'no')...


 
I had to read this a second time as at first glance I thought that you were standing in a skip while on your honeymoon.  (Don't mock...I'm sure there are people...)

Nevertheless, I'm intrigued as to why you would end up standing in a skip the day before your wedding.  Sounds like a hell of a hen night.


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## FredBloggs (27 Aug 2008)

LDFerguson said:


> I had to read this a second time as at first glance I thought that you were standing in a skip while on your honeymoon. (Don't mock...I'm sure there are people...)
> 
> Nevertheless, I'm intrigued as to why you would end up standing in a skip the day before your wedding. Sounds like a hell of a hen night.


 

As a good wife to be she was making the marraige home fit for her husband no doubt.   Either that or he had sent her in to retrieve a can of beer he'd spotted.

(You can be sure Mrs Bloggs visits this site as regularly as Mrs F - if she found out what I'd written I wouldn't be given my pocket money this week )


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## Complainer (27 Aug 2008)

FredBloggs said:


> Alright - but what if Miss Cuff had the misfortune to marry Mr Went


Yeah - imagine being called Wuff for the rest of your life?


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## tink (27 Aug 2008)

I asked Mr Tink if he would change his name if it was the other way around and he laughed and said no way ! Good news for me so!


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## mell61 (28 Aug 2008)

I only wish it had been the hens night that left me in the skip!

No, plan was move house 2 months before wedding... reality was 1 week before wedding (if anyone needs the name of the most incompetent solicitor ever we can provide it, as our buyer used them ;-)
So skip was there to help get rid of packaging/boxes/general builders 'stuff' so that the next day the wedding photographer would have a 'nice' background for some of the shots of me and the bridesmaids.   So there I was jumping up and down on a pile of boxes so that we could fit more in before it got collected... 
And i'd been promised by all my married friends that the days before you wedding were all coffee with friends, getting nails done, being pampered


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## huskerdu (28 Aug 2008)

Purple said:


> Are you married?


 
Yes, but by the time we got married, most people had forgotten that we weren't.


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## Don_08 (30 Aug 2008)

Years ago I was working in a company in London.  About 3 months after I started we got an email from one of the IT department along the lines as follows:

_I am in the process of getting divorced and will now be reverting back to my original name, xxxx  yyyyy.  As you can see from the name I used the opportunity when I got married to change it.  I do not wish anyone to raise this subject with me in person as it is a difficult topic.  Thank you. _

Don't want to share the surname obviously as it was an unusual one, and you could understand why they wanted to change it.  

Must add though - this mail was from a man!!

On a personal note - did not change my name for work as I spent far too long building up a reputation in the industry I work in. On occassion I use my husbands name - useful when you are complaining about something!!


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