# Bring back the Jokes!



## Gordanus (29 Nov 2007)

Shootiing the Breeze has got awfully boring and just seems an extention of Don't ask about money.  What happened all the jokes???


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## deew (30 Nov 2007)

Why did the orange go to the Doctor?
Cos it didnt PEEL well!!


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## carpedeum (30 Nov 2007)

A few Emo Phillips quotations....


"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."


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## DrMoriarty (30 Nov 2007)

What do you get when you call a teddybear Mohammed?
انكم جميعا يموت ويذهب الى الجحيم​


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## Caveat (30 Nov 2007)

carpedeum said:


> A few Emo Phillips quotations....


 
Excellent - whatever happened to him?

One of my favourites:

"People say I'm paranoid but I _*know*_ I heard a guy on a building site telling me that he wanted to kill me - in morse code with his hammer"

Steve(n) Wright was great too.



DrMoriarty said:


> انكم جميعا يموت ويذهب الى الجحيم


 
C'mon then - what is it?


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## DrMoriarty (30 Nov 2007)

Google is your friend.


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## Caveat (30 Nov 2007)

DrMoriarty said:


> Google is your friend.


 
You subversive little minx you!

(Had no idea it could do non-roman script BTW)


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## DrMoriarty (30 Nov 2007)

انت تعلم شيئا جديدا كل يوم!​


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## Caveat (30 Nov 2007)

DrMoriarty said:


> انت تعلم شيئا جديدا كل يوم!


 
 

Bet even Oscar Wilde didn't "do" Arabic repartee...


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## dodo (30 Nov 2007)

A man walks into a hardware and says can I have some nails,the employee says how long do you need them, man says if you dont mine I would like to keep them


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## Graham_07 (30 Nov 2007)

There was a man who worked for An Post whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: 

"Dear God, 
I am a 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had €100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? 
Sincerely, 
Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected €95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. 
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: 


"Dear God, 
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift. 
By the way, there was €5 missing. I think it was those fu****s at the Post Office. 
Sincerely,
Edna"


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## jesster (30 Nov 2007)

An old piece of rope goes into a bar. the bartender says "excuse me but are you a piece of rope?"

The rope replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"...


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## jonnyhotspur (30 Nov 2007)

Another Emo special

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. 
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" 
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! 
Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" 
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! 
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" 
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." 

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


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## Ceist Beag (30 Nov 2007)

So a rabbit walks into a post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"No this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"No, I told you yesterday this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"For the third time, this is a post office, we don't sell lettuce here"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any lettuce mister?"
"Listen you jumped up little ****, if you come in here one more time asking for lettuce I'll nail your two big floppy ears to the floor so hard they'll hear you scream in space, got it!"
With that the rabbit hops off.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the post office.
"Got any nails mister?"
"No"
"Got any lettuce mister?"


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## Caveat (30 Nov 2007)

Some Steven Wright for you:


_Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. _

_I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks! _

_My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..." _

_I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." _

_My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. _

_I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." _

_I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you." _

_I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month." _

_I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it. _

_One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." _

_I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. _

_If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? _

_I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" _

_Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. _

_My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. _

_Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? _


_If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? _

_"Hermits have no peer pressure." _

_If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? _

_What do batteries run on? _

_After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? _

_It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. _

_My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." _

_The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?" _

_The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. _

_I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. _

(courtesy of http://www.wright-house.com/steven-wright/steven-wright-jokes.html)


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## elefantfresh (30 Nov 2007)

You heard about the addict who injected himself with curry powder?
He ended up in a korma.


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## pc7 (30 Nov 2007)

he he he elafantfresh


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## Buddyboy (30 Nov 2007)

How do you get a job in Dublin bus?

Turn up late for the interview.


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## U2Fan (30 Nov 2007)

Have you heard about the one-armed man who was arrested?...Caught breaking into a second-hand shop !!


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## U2Fan (30 Nov 2007)

A guy is alone in a bar sipping his pint and enjoying some of the peanuts on the counter for customers..the barman goes downstairs to change the kegs when suddenly the drinker hears this voice saying "Wow you look great today"...and " Thats a lovely aftershave you're wearing" ..he looks around bewildered as no one else is around. 
When the barman comes back he explains to him what he heard, to which the barman replied.."It's the peanuts mate, they're complimentary!!"


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## cole (30 Nov 2007)

Another one from Emo Phillips: "You think you're so much better than me just because your girlfriend's real".

I posted the first reply to this thread last night and it's gone... okay the joke was poor but still.....


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## carpedeum (30 Nov 2007)

*Re: Bring back the Jokes! Rodney Dangerfield quotes..*


I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor. 


During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


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## shootingstar (30 Nov 2007)

worker rings his boss "i dont think i`ll be in work this morning boss, im suffering from Anal Blindness"...   Boss asks, "whats that"..? He says " i cant see my This post will be deleted if not edited to remove bad language getting out of this bed".      Boom boom.


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## Firefly (30 Nov 2007)

Graham_07 said:


> There was a man who worked for An Post whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
> 
> "Dear God,
> I am a 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had €100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
> ...


 

Neil Tobin???


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## Graham_07 (30 Nov 2007)

Firefly said:


> Neil Tobin???


 

Dunno, got it in an email the other day. But now you mention it it is his style.


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## lorna (11 Dec 2007)

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.


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## TripleA (12 Dec 2007)

This girl walks into a bar and see's Sean Connery sitting on his own in the corner. She approaches him and asks can she sit with him. He says "Shure, the names Bond, James Bond, double O sheven"

They enjoy a drink together when the girl notices James Bond's fabulous watch he is wearing.
"Wow James, that is some watch you are wearing! i bet it can do loads of things?"
"Shure it can" Bond replied
"Like what?" the girl asks
"Like ehh" James examines the watch "Like it can tell me things about the people around me"
"Really" the girl giggled "what does it say about me?"
James looks closely at his watch.. "Well, it says that you are not wearing any knickers!"
Surprised, the girl puts her hand on her waist to check for the lining of her knickers.
"But James i am wearing knickers"
Shocked, James looks at his watch again "Ah Sh!t, Damn thing is an hour fast!"


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## U2Fan (12 Dec 2007)

Why are pirates called pirates?

They just AAAARRRGGH !!!


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## lorna (27 Dec 2007)

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and
> was standing in the queue at the till.
> A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet
> again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
> hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> orifices and IVs in both arms.
> 
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way
> that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot
> nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry &
> that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
> again.
> 
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue
> was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
> behind her.
> 
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
> condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was
> because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car
> hit me.
> 
> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
> laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
> 
> 
> Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??


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## franmac (28 Dec 2007)

lorna said:


> I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and
> > was standing in the queue at the till.
> > A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> > On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet
> ...


 
A fellow standing at a bar observed a labrador doing what you alleged you were at when you were hit by a car and he said to the barman "Jaysus I would love to do that.

The barman replied 

" If you give him a bone he will let you 

Lorna.....how could you do it ?


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