# Should your partner be present at the birth of your child??



## ney001 (19 Oct 2009)

Debate on the radio today, should your partner be present at the birth of your child?.  I was actually talking to my sil about this at the weekend.  She is due a baby soon & is adamant that he is present, even though he doesn't feel that he will be much use, of course he will be there for her but realistically speaking he feels that her mother would be more of a comfort for her.  For me to be honest I think my other half would probably be present at the birth but I don't think he would be any good, I can imagine him going to pieces and fainting, he can't watch anything with blood/operations etc on tv - I could just see me comforting and looking after him! 

The other aspect is that a lot of men stated that it was difficult to 'fancy' their partners etc have witnessed them give birth and therefore sex drive when waaaay down?? 

So should men be there or not?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-559913/A-obstetrician-men-NEVER-birth-child.html


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## truthseeker (19 Oct 2009)

Must ask my OH about this, if I were giving birth Id like him to be there, but only at the top end of my body - leave the rest of it to the doctors!!


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## ney001 (19 Oct 2009)

The obstetrician in the article makes some very valid points I have to say most notably the fact that the adrenalin pumping through the partner's body makes it impossible for the woman to relax etc.  Realistically I think my OH would be there mainly because it's the done thing now, because all of our friends husbands etc have been present.  I think for him, if he could walk in a minute after baby was delivered he'd be happy as a clam.  For me, I think I would find my mam more useful and practical then my OH.  

Maybe I'll just stick with my cats and dogs so!


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## truthseeker (19 Oct 2009)

ney001 said:


> For me, I think I would find my mam more useful and practical then my OH.


 
I think Id like my best friend there AND my OH but she would be under instruction to punch my OH for every pain I experienced - seeing as Id be too busy to deliver the blows myself


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## MOB (19 Oct 2009)

The consultant makes a cogent argument. 

I am sure there are some couples for whom the presence of the father at birth is a wholly joyous experience ( as indeed was the case with my kids).

Unfortunately, it has become such an orthodoxy that both mother and father now seem to have little real choice.   

A prospective father will be reluctant to do anything other than bow to the wishes of his wife\partner.   Labour is not the time for the voicing of the Male View.

She will be repeatedly told that his presence is normal and beneficial and she will not want to deviate from the norm.  There is no real questioning of this.

We will never return to the day when a father deposited his in-labour partner at the hospital and went on to work.   But perhaps we might get around to a situation where we have the father under starter's orders outside the door ( or maybe there for the early stages of labour), with his presence required only if specifically called for..


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## Betsy Og (19 Oct 2009)

been at both mine, its not such an ordeal. Your role mainly involves moving bags, talking to herself, getting a drink of water etc. 

I think it would be a pity not to be there, also good to have a 2nd person keeping an eye on charts, times, etc etc. but granted that could be the mom.

Hope ye are not straying into the "all men are helpless/useless" stereotype, give them a chance and they might surprise ye.


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## casiopea (19 Oct 2009)

Having gone through it I do think its important for the partner to be there at the birth.  Its an unusual medical experience and can be quite scary and long - having your partner there for support removes some of the scare factor.

Also some times there are medical decisions to be made or birth plans to be stuck to or indeed thrown out (in my case) and your partner may wish to be privvy to that.  

I will admit it seemed to me at the time that my partner was about as useful as the cat in there, however in retrospect he was very helpful. Im glad he was there and he^s glad he was there.

By the way, he stayed up above the shoulder area but still got covered in blood at one stage.  Sorry if that ruins anyones afternoon cup of tea.


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## z104 (19 Oct 2009)

So not only do you want him to be present at the conception you want him there at the birth too


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## casiopea (19 Oct 2009)

We are demanding like that


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## ney001 (19 Oct 2009)

Betsy Og said:


> Hope ye are not straying into the "all men are helpless/useless" stereotype, give them a chance and they might surprise ye.



Not at all, however what the article appears to be saying is that generally speaking the woman is better off on her own altogether i.e no partner at all, she can then relax into it herself!

I think if my oh was there he would be about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike, that said he would be company if there was a lot of waiting around.  My own dad wasn't allowed to be present for the first two kids as the nuns made him wait in the waiting room, he was quite angered by this at the time as was my mam because she had nobody to speak up for her and was stuck with two horrible nuns ordering her about!.  He was allowed in for the third which was a lot later on and he reckons it was the best experience of his life! - makes him resent even further not being there for the first two! - 

I just feel that a lot of men are forced in to the delivery as it is the done thing!


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## Mpsox (19 Oct 2009)

Only been to one (so far), it was a long day (16 hours from 9am), so long that Mrs Sox kicked me out at one stage to have lunch and read the paper. Having said that, I know she was glad to have me there, firstly to have someone to talk to as the day passed, secondly as her servant, and thirdly to take the mickey out of me afterwards for some of the sh..e I was talking at the end. "Push, nearly there, etc etc etc. I think she also felt that bit more secure having someone she knew there with her, in particuler when she noticed the nurse warming the babygrow on the radiator and realising just how small it was

Best day of my life without a shadow of a doubt and sitting there holding my little girl whilst the very nice doctors and nurses finished up with my wife was just the greatest most awesome 20 minutes any man could ever have


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## Vanilla (19 Oct 2009)

Am I missing something here? Isn't the man's child too ( well one would presume ). 

Is a birth some horrible experience that men should be excused from? And even if it is horrible, and, no doubt, some of them are, why should they be excused from it? Is it to spare their frail little sensibilities?


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## corkgal (19 Oct 2009)

ney001 said:


> .  My own dad wasn't allowed to be present for the first two kids as the nuns made him wait in the waiting room, he was quite angered by this at the time as was my mam because she had nobody to speak up for her and was stuck with two horrible nuns ordering her about!.



Thats why the consultants don't want the dad about. It makes it easier to intimidate the mum into doing what they want.

I loved having my husband there, he was a great support and was on hand in case anything happened that needed immediate decision for me or the baby. I would not trust anyone else with that and nor would he. My mum does not believe people need epidurals so she would be no help!


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## MOB (19 Oct 2009)

Vanilla said:


> Am I missing something here? Isn't the man's child too ( well one would presume ).
> 
> Is a birth some horrible experience that men should be excused from? And even if it is horrible, and, no doubt, some of them are, why should they be excused from it? Is it to spare their frail little sensibilities?



I don't think this is the argument being made by  the consultant in the article. Not that I agree with his rather rigid views either - having husband at birth has worked fine in my family and with all siblings.

I think that a man at a childbirth is expected to do what whatever he is told by the mother;

Point is, as a mother you don't really get a choice either; as a mother you are expected to want the father there - so you tend to go along with it without really questioning it;


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## Betsy Og (19 Oct 2009)

MOB said:


> Point is, as a mother you don't really get a choice either; as a mother you are expected to want the father there - so you tend to go along with it without really questioning it;


 
Does this touch on the point of whether a father has a right to be there, or should it be just at the whim of the mother? 

I'd have thought they have a right to be there, whether they exercise it or not - presumably its something you agree on well in advance but I think it would be insensitive to stop a father from being there if that was their preference.


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## MOB (19 Oct 2009)

Mother's whim.  Though it is unfair to call it a whim. But if there is ever a time when a woman should be entitled to dictate terms, it is during childbirth.  

Frankly, if a husband\partner is 'asked' to stand on his head for the duration, he should probably do so - at least until he passes out.


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## Sue Ellen (19 Oct 2009)

MOB said:


> at least until he passes out.



Which is one of the reasons why the medical profession prefer for any squeamish fathers not to be there.  A midwife friend told me many years ago that they have to fill in an accident report form if the father collapses and he can sometimes require more attention than the mother.


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## daithi (20 Oct 2009)

...when Mrs Daithi gave birth to our 2nd child, I was in the throes of the flu (the real one,not the manflu as described by Nick Frost) and had a mouthful of ulcers which made it nearly impossible for the to talk coherently..I was present for the birth and my wife turned to me and asked if I was all right!! You sould have seen the *filthy  *looks i got from the midwife!!


daithi


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## Gordanus (20 Oct 2009)

MOB said:


> Mother's whim.  Though it is unfair to call it a whim. But if there is ever a time when a woman should be entitled to dictate terms, it is during childbirth.
> 
> Frankly, if a husband\partner is 'asked' to stand on his head for the duration, he should probably do so - at least until he passes out.



+1.  I kicked my partner out, and had my mother in instead - she was much more helpful. Partner was useless, starting arguments with me about any request I made .....baby was in distress so we were both stressed.  Mind you, he was awfully resentful about me preferring my mother's presence.... split up shortly after.


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## ney001 (21 Oct 2009)

Gordanus said:


> +1.  I kicked my partner out, and had my mother in instead - she was much more helpful. Partner was useless, starting arguments with me about any request I made .....baby was in distress so we were both stressed.  Mind you, he was awfully resentful about me preferring my mother's presence.... split up shortly after.



Sounds like you're better off! 

Re my original post - my SIL baby was born and I spoke to himself straight afterwards he was absolutely stunned with the whole thing - wouldn't have missed it for the world and according to her he was incredibly useful throughout - making her laugh, telling her jokes, distracting her so different strokes for different folks I guess!


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## Betsy Og (21 Oct 2009)

The only thing that bothers me a little is that mothers act in a proprietary way over a being that is not exclusively theirs, even before its born. 

I mean when the watercooler guy delivers the big bottle you dont let him dictate delivery terms....  ok I'm being facetious, but my point is that mothers dont own the baby and shouldnt be able to dictate absolutely who should be there at the birth. Everyone else ignores the father but you'd expect a bit more from the mother (assuming father and mother in happy relationship etc. etc.)


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## truthseeker (21 Oct 2009)

Betsy Og said:


> but my point is that mothers dont own the baby and shouldnt be able to dictate absolutely who should be there at the birth.


 
If the day came that you were delivering a human being from one of your own bodily orifices I would respect YOUR body enough to allow you to say who should be present to view it.


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## ney001 (21 Oct 2009)

truthseeker said:


> If the day came that you were delivering a human being from one of your own bodily orifices I would respect YOUR body enough to allow you to say who should be present to view it.



Have to say I agree, I do think that although the baby is of course the mother and the fathers, the mother should have the right to decide who should be in delivery room with her.  It's not about hurting feelings etc etc it's about who would be the most beneficial to mother and baby and at the moment of birth ONLY the mother and baby should matter!

Also, consider couples who may have split up, should the mother have to put up with the father being the only one in the room even though they maybe don't get on and he wouldn't be help her out?? don't think so, that is one decision which should be the mothers! .


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## Betsy Og (21 Oct 2009)

I'm not saying it should be 'open season' as to who is there, but I would have thought the father has or should have a right to be there. Or put it another way, I think a mother should need to have good reason to prevent the father from being there (e.g. break up etc). 

If it comes down to it then the mothers rights should overrule those of the father, but I dont think a fathers entitlement should be dismissed out of hand.


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## liaconn (21 Oct 2009)

I think the father should have a right to come into the delivery room as soon as the baby has been delivered. I think, during the actual birth, it should be the mother's call. She's the one who's going to be in pain and probably a bit scared and should therefore be allowed decide if she'd be more comfortable without the dad there  during the actual delivery.


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## michaelm (21 Oct 2009)

ney001 said:


> So should men be there or not?


I think so, if only for the best tea & toast on the planet.  Particularly if the woman wants him to and he's not adverse to the idea.  Ideally he'd have a calming influence. Irish maternity hospitals are under staffed and one can be left alone in a delivery suite; on one occasion, the waters having broke(n?), I had to scurry out and find a midwife, and a child landed minutes thereafter.  My wife would want me there for support, to run errands, field phone calls and to ensure that she's not messed about.  As for Consultants, my experience is that they usually land after the event . . it's the midwives who run the show.


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## Vanilla (21 Oct 2009)

michaelm said:


> Irish maternity hospitals are under staffed and one can be left alone in a delivery suite; on one occasion, the waters having broke(n?), I had to scurry out and find a midwife, and a child landed minutes thereafter.


 
Similar to my experience on number 2. I was in advanced labour ( which came on within 20 minutes) when my husband arrived. Before he came my allocated nurse didn't believe I was in pain and didn't bother to examine me or allocate any pain relief. When he saw me he demanded assistance straightaway and low and behold, was listened to. Baby was born less than half an hour later after a panicked rush to the delivery suite. And no time for an epidural ( or for the bottle of brandy I asked the consultant for) Don't know what I would have done if he hadnt arrived!


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