# Yet another crap joke...



## Guest (29 Sep 2004)

A man walks into the doctor's surgery with a frog on his head. "What seems to be the problem then" asks the doctor. "Well, I seem to have a human stuck to my bum" replies the frog.


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## piggy (30 Sep 2004)

That's possibly the best joke I've heard all week.


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## Guest (30 Sep 2004)

You should get out a bit more so! :lol 

I always liked the old Tommy Cooper one. "I went shopping for some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.".


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## piggy (30 Sep 2004)

Yeah...y'see I like jokes like this:


A man goes into a seafood restaurant....

...and asks to see the dishes of the day. 

The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. 
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip please" says the man. 

"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" 
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. 

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. 

Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. 

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. 

Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when i cringes back and gives a little cry. 

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. 

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. 



(Wait for it) 









(Sorry about this) 











Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais... With mild green, hairy lip squid


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## Dr Moriarty (30 Sep 2004)

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and growls, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." :rollin


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## stobear (1 Oct 2004)

I always thought 3 legged dogs sort of hopped, plus when did ever hear a dog with a (US) southern accent, jeez!!


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## Realsmithy (1 Oct 2004)

*Crap Jokes*

Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the  applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like 
him to play. 
This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down,  shouting and waving his arms like a madman and  Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.  The chap shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" 

so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are  in raptures. 
 "No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". 
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking. 

The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".  
Stevie  gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies 

{in your best Japanese accent}  

"A jazz chord to say I love you!"


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## stobear (1 Oct 2004)

*Re: Crap Jokes*

Shouldn't it be 'A jazz chord to say I ruv you'?


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## Guest (1 Oct 2004)

*Crap Jokes*

> {in your best Japanese accent}
> "A jazz chord to say I love you!"

"A jazz chord to say I rove you!" surely?


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## Dr Moriarty (1 Oct 2004)

*Re: Crap Jokes*

For stobear (since you didn't like the last one... )

A fela spots a nice looking girl in a bar, goes up and starts
small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said warming up to the conversation. "Who gave you that name, your mother?"

"No, I chose it myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Beerfuck."


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## Guest109 (31 Mar 2007)

My Dad is a Father __________________ 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar 
that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The 
little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." 
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two 
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." 

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went 
back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for 
a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your 
pants backwards instead of your collar


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## Johnny1 (6 Apr 2007)

Yes, now tell us a joke that we will laugh at.


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## liteweight (7 Apr 2007)

Johnny1 said:


> Yes, now tell us a joke that we will laugh at.



Have you read the title of this thread???


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## Brianp (7 Apr 2007)

what's a fly without wings called??
... a walk!


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## levelpar (6 Nov 2009)

A rabbit walks into a bar, orders a pint with a ham and cheese toasty. He drinks his pint and eats his ham and cheese toasty ,much to the amazement of all in the bar. The next day he goes in again and orders a pint with a ham and cheese toasty. Word gets around and people flock to the bar to see the rabbit. The rabbit calls in everyday and the crowds get bigger. 

Then one day The barman tells the rabbit that he has no cheese left but he can give him a ham and tomato toasty, The rabbit say ok.

The rabbit did not go back to the pub until a year later ,when passing by, he went in to see the barman. The bar was empty except for the barman,who explained that when he, the rabbit , stopped coming in ,the crowds fell away. 
He asked the rabbit why he had stopped coming in to which the rabbit replied "mixingmetoasties"


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## ney001 (6 Nov 2009)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. 

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod fish appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old buddy.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old buddies simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. 

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old buddy. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"...(wait for it) . . .
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...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"


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## Firefly (6 Nov 2009)

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


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## Caveat (6 Nov 2009)

Too good for this thread Firefly!


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## Graham_07 (7 Nov 2009)

Ok long long ago and far far away a rebellion arose headed by a Count against his King. After a few battles the Count was captured by the King who told his torturers to extract from the Count the whereabouts of his armies to crush the rebellion. The Count declined and despite progressive torture maintained his silence. Eventually the King threatened to off his head unless he spilled the beans. The Count declined, so the King had hib brought to the block with the executioner who had his large axe at the ready. The King gave the Count one last chance before being beheaded. The Count shook his head. "Ok then" said the King, " off with his head". The executioner swung the axe back readied and as he started on the downward stroke the Count blurted out "no wait they are hidden ".... wham, too late, head into basket.

The moral in the story ...

. . . 

. . .

. . .

(sorry about this )

...

Don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken.


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## elefantfresh (9 Nov 2009)

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you got me for Christmas. I felt your presents.


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## Caveat (9 Nov 2009)

elefantfresh said:


> Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you got me for Christmas. I felt your presents.


 
 excellent!!


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## S.L.F (12 Nov 2009)

The Coffin

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP..

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
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The coffin stops


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## Betsy Og (12 Nov 2009)

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.


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## Arabella (12 Nov 2009)

It probably was a chaser!


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## mathepac (12 Nov 2009)

Betsy Og said:


> ... So he gave her one.


I love it when people re-cycle my jokes  - it makes me go all green


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## BillK (14 Nov 2009)

If a bra is an upper-decker flopper stopper

and a gilt edged toilet roll is a super-dooper pooper scooper

What is a punch drunk Japanese who's father has dysentery??


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## S.L.F (14 Nov 2009)

BillK said:


> If a bra is an upper-decker flopper stopper
> 
> and a gilt edged toilet roll is a super-dooper pooper scooper
> 
> What is a punch drunk Japanese who's father has dysentery??


 
Definitely question of the week


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## Purple (15 Nov 2009)

What’s the difference between a policeman’s truncheon and a magic wand?

One is for cunning stunts.


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## BillK (15 Nov 2009)

No one got an answer to the question?


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## ninsaga (15 Nov 2009)

In Memoriam 


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.........and then the trouble started.


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## S.L.F (15 Nov 2009)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him


Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good




 A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


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## S.L.F (15 Nov 2009)

A man went to his Doctor complaining of Hemorrhoids. The Doctor gave him some tablets and on his return visit, asked if they had been successful, to which the man replied. No, for all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my ****


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## S.L.F (15 Nov 2009)

This doesn't class as a crap joke but I'm not starting a new thread off for it...

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. 



Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. 



He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!' 



The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. 



As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. 



All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. 



A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. 



He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. 



Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. 



His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. 



The trainer was astounded. 



When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' 



The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. 



I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' 



So, the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off!' 



'Not really. 



You'd be amazed the reaction you get when you bite your own nuts!


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## BillK (15 Nov 2009)

BillK said:


> If a bra is an upper-decker flopper stopper
> 
> and a gilt edged toilet roll is a super-dooper pooper scooper
> 
> What is a punch drunk Japanese who's father has dysentery??


 
A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy Pappy.
Fairly obvious really...


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## gipimann (15 Nov 2009)

I took the thread title literally for this one.....

*A Wee Scottish Tale.* 


A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. 

A Gamekeeper shouts, 

'Dinnae drink tha watter! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!' 

The man replies, 

'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me' 

The keeper replies, 

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!


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## Vanilla (16 Nov 2009)

S.L.F said:


> A man went to his Doctor complaining of Hemorrhoids. The Doctor gave him some tablets and on his return visit, asked if they had been successful, to which the man replied. No, for all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my ****


 
This might have been funnier if the doctor had prescribed some suppositories.


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## Purple (16 Nov 2009)

This is the best joke ever posted on AAM.


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## gipimann (16 Nov 2009)

Purple said:


> This is the best joke ever posted on AAM.


 
True, true, I missed that thread first time round!


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## mathepac (17 Nov 2009)

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me auld pal, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "Hey, no probs God, me old Supreme Being, Anything you want.  After all, you're the Man".

God, slightly taken aback at the over-familiarity in Noah's tone, interrupts. "Ah, but there's a catch.  This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yeah,  well sort of; this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah, "You did say fish, righ' Your Budness?"

"Yep, fish. Well, to be more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of carp?".

"Check".

"But why, Your Godness, why?" asks the perplexed Noah, slowly but surely seeing his visions of a long, lazy retirement with Mrs. Noah in the new apartments on top of Mount Ararat fading.
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. . .(wait for it) . . .
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Anticipation builds . . .
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The tension is unbearable . . .
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"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

Sorry folks - I misread the thread title, I thought it said "Re: Yet another carp joke..."


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## Caveat (17 Nov 2009)

As usual, you excel at the general narrative enough to reduce the groan factor of the punchline.


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## Staples (17 Nov 2009)

Caveat said:


> As usual, you excel at the general narrative enough to reduce the groan factor of the punchline.


 
That's a matter of opinion surely.


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## Caveat (17 Nov 2009)

Staples said:


> That's a matter of opinion surely.


 
Yes, in this case, mine.


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## callybags (17 Nov 2009)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Staples* http://www.askaboutmoney.com/showthread.php?p=961355#post961355 
_That's a matter of opinion surely._





Caveat said:


> Yes, in this case, mine.


 
Beware, Caveat. Staples is prickly.


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## Graham_07 (17 Nov 2009)

callybags said:


> *Beware, Caveat*. Staples is prickly.


 

Should that not be caveat , Caveat


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## mathepac (17 Nov 2009)

This is not another carp joke...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form colloquially referred to as a Gripe Sheet, which conveys to the maintenance engineers problems encountered with the aircraft during flight that need repair or correction.

The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form describing the remedial action taken, and the pilot reviews the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

  (P = *Problem* logged by the pilot)
(S = *Solution* and action taken by the engineers)

 P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 P: Test flight OK, except automatic landing facility very rough.
S: Automatic landing facility not installed on this aircraft.

 P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

 P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

 P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found attached under right wing after brief search.

 P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be more serious.

 P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


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## Purple (17 Nov 2009)

LOL Mathepac, I got that before on email but it's excellent.


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## michaelm (17 Nov 2009)

mathepac said:


> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be more serious.


That's LOL-tastic.


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