# Having a good ol RANT!!



## dmos87 (11 Dec 2011)

I'm getting married soon. I understand the value of money and love  getting a good deal if I can, particularly as we'd like to buy a home in  the coming years. In my mind, a wedding is just one day - as long as  you are both there, happy and in love, that's all that matters. 

Irish  weddings are expensive. Our Irish families meant we couldn't have the  wedding we wanted abroad and I promised myself when it came to planning  our wedding here we'd keep our day small, intimate and very sentimental.  Hubby to be agreed. We are paying for this day all on our own with no  financial help which is just how we like it.

Fast forward to  about 8 weeks before the big day. We are stressed out, broke, my hair is  falling out, we are bickering over family politics. Thank God we love  and respect each other or there would be no wedding. We are strained  over Christmas gifts as families would not do Secret Santa. Our small  wedding has ended up at 150 guests, most of whom we do not know but  "have to invite" because "ah sur, Pat's lived next door to us for 20  years, and we'll have to invite her and her 4 kids and their  partners..."! 

Money is whats wrong with this world. Money will  never make you happy if money is all you have. It will not bring you  health and happiness no matter what you pay. Having extravagant  centerpieces and expensive tokens will not make my marriage better.  Wearing a dress with a big price tag will not make me look or feel  better on the day, in fact the opposite. 

An example: I got  quotes for Wedding invitations, along with RSVP cards with addressed  envelopes and Mass Booklets. The cheapest quote I got was 750 euros!  What is wrong with people?!?! Its a piece of paper. So I decided to make  our invitations ourselves. I bought 300 GSM paper online, went to Vibes  and Scribes in Cork and bought old-style ink stamps, and had a picture  printed 100 times to put on the front with some ribbon I bought on ebay.  I also got 100 RSVP cards with printed envelopes on ebay for 7 euros  including postage. The total cost came to 120 euros. Deal of the  century, I was delighted with myself. Each invitation took 30 minutes to  complete, and I was thrilled with how they turned out - they looked  professional, classy and timeless. Hubby to be moaned about the man  hours but agreed they were gorgeous. 

A family member stated they looked like "Funeral cards". I kid you not.

Another asked us straight out was money tight because they were hand-made. 

My  dress came from a shop that buys dresses from fashion shows. They  retail at on average half the cost in standard bridal shops. It was the  second dress I tried on and I love it to bits. MIL was distraught when I  brought it home because it wasn't brand new with a 2 grand price tag.

I  asked my dad to take me to the church in his car - the church is a mile  from my family home. The future in-laws are mortified and will not stop  pressuring us to get a vintage car. It makes me feel like we are  embarrassing them, and it hurts that they can't see the sentiment behind  me having my dad, the man who raised me well, take me to the church.   Having a sentimental moment in my family car on the way to the church  makes me warm inside, but others are horrified I'm not renting some  fancy car. For some baffling reason people just don't get it and think  we are being stingy.

People need to get a grip on reality, come  down to earth and live happy and full lives. Money is just money - I'd  rather waste it than spend it to please others.


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## Vanilla (11 Dec 2011)

Clearly you are completely right and they are eejits.

Still, you'll have the last laugh as long as you don't let them get to you like this. Time to put the phone on silent, I'd say.


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## Protocol (11 Dec 2011)

Very good post.

We married in 2008, had 75 guests.

We decided no cousins on father's side, and that was it. He raised it once as an issue, but didn't make a big deal about it.

We also made the mass booklets ourselves (I think). How somebody would comment negatively on that, I just can't understand it.

We bought wine in 25% off deals in the supermarkets, we bought champagne in Lidl.

Dress bought in USA for 500 USD (I think), posted home, 75 euro customs duty plus VAT.

I suppose ye just have to decide yourselves and stick to your decision. It's you getting married, not your parents.


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## truthseeker (11 Dec 2011)

I got married in 2009. We wanted to have a private registry office ceremony on a Friday with 14 people, followed by a meal in a local restaurant. We planned a party for the Saturday night for 100 guests.

The MIL started interfering and actually inviting people to the registry office, plus to the party (the party place had a physical limit on numbers). There began to be talk of a huge wedding cake to be brought to the restaurant (we didnt even want a cake), talk of getting a professional photographer to tail us for the day (we didnt want a photographer), then the BIL got involved, wanting to know would the restaurant allow a mike for speeches (we didnt want speeches!!).

So, 2 months before we were due to get married we went on holidays. We explained that due to work and college committments that we were effectively taking an early honeymoon.

No one suspected that we were in fact eloping away. When we phoned home afterwards and told them we had done it the MIL and BIL were the only people who were annoyed. What we didnt tell them that it was largely their interference that caused us to run off on the quiet!!

We still had the party that was originally planned - but no one bothered interfering as the 'wedding' had already happened.

Had we gone with the original plan it would have been turned into a circus that neither of us wanted, stressful, people who we didnt want there invited, extras we had no interest in, cost pushed up because of these extras etc...

So my advice is this - do what YOU want to do. The in laws get over it


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## d2x2 (11 Dec 2011)

Well done, you! It's your day (and your life), have it any way you want. I share all your views on money, vintage cars... and what's important is that you and the groom stick to whatever you decide is best for both of you and your future together! 

Wishing you a wonderful day and future.


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## Ancutza (11 Dec 2011)

It's brilliant getting married isn't it?  At the end of the day it is your day.  Everyone else will just have to fit in.  Stick to your guns and enjoy the party!

We are 6 years married next June.  Nothing went to plan.  Nobody was entirely happy with the arrangements.  The bride cried when she saw that the venue we picked was very small once all the tables were laid out.  So we ate, we drank and then a few big lads piled all the tables in a heap in the corner and we had a party to make Ghenghis Khan jealous.

It's only your day.  Forget about any commentary.   I wish you as much happiness as we have been so lucky to enjoy!


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## Purple (11 Dec 2011)

Weddings are 90% about the bride and 10% about the groom. Nobody else matters; not the mother od the bride, sisters, parents, cousins etc. If anyone makes a fuss about anything then they are putting themselves ahead of the bride and groom and should be ashames of themselves. It's not their day, it's not them getting married so they don't matter. The only thing that matters is what you want. If they love you or are your friends they should support your decisions; their only concern should be that you are happy.


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## CMCR (11 Dec 2011)

dmos87 said:


> In my mind, a wedding is just one day - as long as you are both there, happy and in love, that's all that matters.


 
And that is all that matters. 

Weddings are stressful, even with the best planning, negotiation and organisation.  I got married last year and went through many of the same things you mention.  

You are right, as soon as the word 'wedding' in mentioned, it seems that a lot of people lose all sense of reason and spending money can quickly spiral out of control. 

Out of all the things in your post, one of the nicest things you mentioned was that you are looking forward to sharing a private moment with your Dad as you travel to the church.  Of all the lovely moments on my own wedding day, I will always treasure that time so enjoy it.  It is special so don't feel pressurised by anyone.   

My advice to you is stick to your guns (hard as I know that it is).  It is YOUR day and not about everyone else.  

I wish you the very best of lucky and a long and very happy life together! 

CMCR.


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## Sue Ellen (11 Dec 2011)

The bottom line is stop listening to the drivel and do what you want to do.


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## gianni (11 Dec 2011)

Purple said:


> Weddings are 90% about the bride and 10% about the groom. Nobody else matters; not the mother od the bride, sisters, parents, cousins etc. If anyone makes a fuss about anything then they are putting themselves ahead of the bride and groom and should be ashames of themselves. It's not their day, it's not them getting married so they don't matter. The only thing that matters is what you want. If they love you or are your friends they should support your decisions; their only concern should be that you are happy.




I think you might be overstating the groom's proportion...


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## becky (12 Dec 2011)

gianni said:


> I think you might be overstating the groom's proportion...


 
Plus one. After 20 years of listening about many wedding day preparations, allocating 1% to the groom is very generous.


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## shammy feen (12 Dec 2011)

I got married in Jamica in 2003...4 guests...good decision

Used the money saved to put a deposit on a house instead...bad decision...


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## dmos87 (12 Dec 2011)

becky said:


> Plus one.  After 20 years of listening about many wedding day, allocating 1% to the groom is very generous.




To be fair to himself, he's had his say on everything - from the guest list, to location, food, music, suits, helped make the invites... the lot. He's got his own mind and has actually enjoyed all the bits and bobs that go with it. I'll give credit where its due - I'm very lucky he's so involved in the planning, it would be a nightmare if he was disinterested. He's also been the one to pull the MIL aside and have words where needed. What bothers me is that it shouldn't come to that.


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## Purple (12 Dec 2011)

gianni said:


> I think you might be overstating the groom's proportion...





becky said:


> Plus one.  After 20 years of listening about many wedding day, allocating 1% to the groom is very generous.



I think that’s the decision making allocation for rest of the marriage you’re thinking of.


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## Mpsox (12 Dec 2011)

Protocol said:


> Very good post.
> 
> We married in 2008, had 75 guests.
> 
> ...


 
Similer to me, only cousins we had were those out of neccessity to drive elderly/infirm uncles and aunts. Aside from that, we figured that no matter what we did, we were going to offend someone, so we might as well offend the whole blinking lot of them. 

This was right at the height of the Celtic Tiger, we deliberatley decided to keep it simple because it was going to be less stressful and having been to a couple of Tiger weddings and had the doves and butterflies fluttering around us, we just really couldn't see the point of wasting money on rubbish like that.

Printed our own mass books and invites with a little help from the Parish Priest, one bridesmaid and best man, (why do you need more?). No rented suits, (why should I as the groom wear a rented suit when everyone else gets something new?) so bought a decent suit and overcoar (winter wedding) which I still use.

Good feed, decent band in a good location, what else do you need for an Irish wedding. No one remembers the frills, but they remember if the Turkey and Ham was cold !!


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## thedaras (12 Dec 2011)

This is a general observation not aimed at the OP.
Brides do become somewhat "ME ME ME" though.

And there are some who dont mind leaving a trail of destruction behind them that others have to pick up.

When I married ,I tried to bear in mind that by not inviting someone who my parents were friends with,or neighbours who had been so kind to me over the years,were just as important.

It is of course the day for the Bride and Groom,but we need to remember those who care about us and those we care about.

If its a neighbour and you dont want to invite them,and your parents do,perhaps think of the long term consequences for your parents.,perhaps tell your parents you dont have the funds,but if they want them at the wedding they should pay.

Also when dealing with in laws ,do remember your wedding day is just one day but your in laws/Family and friends are for life (perhaps). 

I dont know about this "its your day do what you want attitude.It can leave many a issue for you ,your family and friends and you may think its my day,but remember you have a long life ahead of you ..

I have been invited to weddings with the usual gift list,and the ones getting married have been so mean,to the point of rudeness.

I think its a  different issue if you dont have the funds,but if you have and you are just being scabby ,by that I mean you leave out many who are important to the family as a whole.well it will be noticed and when you dont invite your parents friends ,that can cause a rift between them,and it would appear some people dont care about what issues they cause.


Of course its no ones business how much you pay,or what car you arrive in etc..I would suggest when someone asks how much something was,just say my sister/mother/brother organised it for me  so I have no idea of the cost.
On the big day,you will be so happy and having such a great time,does it really matter if your parents neighbours are there,if it keeps the parents you love happy and not worrying about possible repercussions.


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## liaconn (12 Dec 2011)

thedaras said:


> This is a general observation not aimed at the OP.
> Brides do become somewhat "ME ME ME" though.
> 
> And there are some who dont mind leaving a trail of destruction behind them that others have to pick up.
> ...


 
I agree with this. I don't think you can just cut your parents entirely out of your wedding day and basically decide they can put up and shut up (not directed at you OP). It can be very hurtful to parents and do you really want your wedding day to be associated with tears and hurt feelings?

That being said I do agree that people shouldn't feel forced into having big fancy dos with three tier cakes and limousines and doves and six bridesmaids. Any parents or in laws who do this are being very unfair.

Its about compromise. If a bride and groom want a small quiet or very individual affair that should be respected and in laws shouldnt start issuing their own invitations or providing cakes and cars unasked for.

Likewise if parents want to host a party or dinner sometime around the wedding date for friends and relatives I don't think its too big a deal to just grit your teeth, put on a nice outfit and smile at everyone for the afternoon.


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## Newbie! (12 Dec 2011)

Truthseeker I had a similar attitude to you when i was getting married although we did the church bit and had about 150 guests to dinner. There were no fancy extras though, we spent our money on good food, wine and band. 

However, and be prepared to gasp here, I didnt particularly enjoy my wedding day. It was fine but not amazing. I've often said to husband that I feel happier now that its behind us. It always just felt like a hurdle we had to cross. I wish we had had the courage of our convictions and just gotten married privately and made no big deal out of it.


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## DerKaiser (12 Dec 2011)

dmos87 said:


> People need to get a grip on reality, come down to earth and live happy and full lives. Money is just money - I'd rather waste it than spend it to please others.


 
You are 100% right.

Tip 1: Stop caring as much about what others expect and do it the way you want. We have a ridiculous wedding culture. Personally I love it, but would be 100% behind any friend/relative who wanted to do something small or different. I'm very surprised so many people do all the traditional stuff as I can't imagine everyone is happy to do it.

Tip 2: People are very generous with gifts, particularly cash. I worried about some costs but shouldn't have stressed in hindsight. I'm not saying to spend anymore money than you would be comfortable paying out of you own pocket, just that people will surprise you with generosity.


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## liaconn (12 Dec 2011)

DerKaiser said:


> You are 100% right.
> 
> Tip 1: Stop caring as much about what others expect and do it the way you want. We have a ridiculous wedding culture.


 
To be honest, an awful lot of the people you (or your parents) invite to a wedding would rather not go, particularly older people who find the whole day very long and the music way too loud. But on the other hand people get insulted if they're not asked. You can't really win with weddings.


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## michaelm (12 Dec 2011)

dmos87 said:


> I  asked my dad to take me to the church in his car - the church is a mile  from my family home.


Sounds like a good plan to me.  My current wife's  brother drove her to the church (I think it was a Mazda 323, but he did, I believe hoover & wash it )





dmos87 said:


> The future in-laws are mortified and will not stop  pressuring us to get a vintage car.


You can't please everyone, you should please yourselves.  No harm in managing their expectations that, while you appreciate their view, you will make your own decisions.


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## Betsy Og (12 Dec 2011)

I think the easiest is to go one of two ways 1) leave the country, 2) invite all.

Its not really feeding the guests that drives the costs, its stupid stuff like covers for the chairs (that no-one notices), choosing a very expensive menu etc.

I always give cash, most people do. In Kerry they say invite enough and make a profit (you get up to 400 there!!). We had about 175 and we had a ball, the costs worked out ok with most people giving cash. 

Considering the countless neighbours weddings my parents had been to I felt we owed them one. When my brother got married he kept it small, no neighbours. So I'd done our bit as a family. Maybe your folks feel they owe the neighbours a day out?? (on the other hand some people call them a "summons" because of the cost involved - but no-one is forcing them to go).

As a general rule bulking up the numbers shouldnt detract from the occasion, fair enough if you feel its too much pressure but I think some people can be a bit ..... errr..... "selfish" (ok wrong word) about the whole thing. Someone's "special day" doesnt get wrecked because the old folks get to have a laugh with some old fogies the bride and groom dont really know.


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## annR (16 Dec 2011)

It's so rude to pressure the bride about her invitations and arrangements etc, unbelievable.  However  like it or not other people have a huge emotional stake in the wedding and sometimes it's nice to keep them happy but within reason of course.  I don't see how making more expensive invitations would do that, but yeah inviting the neighbours or whatever might.

>>Brides do become somewhat "ME ME ME" though.<<

To be honest, given what some hotels/photographers/florists/boutiques are charging sometimes it's justified!  If you are forking out several grand you expect a service not to be treated like some sucker.  I paid 2k for my wedding dress and yes I threw a total bridezilla fit when the shop where I bought it was unbelievably slack with ordering and fittings etc. I was about to lose my mind with the stress of the whole f*g thing.


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## Birroc (16 Dec 2011)

liaconn said:


> To be honest, an awful lot of the people you (or your parents) invite to a wedding would rather not go, particularly older people who find the whole day very long and the music way too loud. But on the other hand people get insulted if they're not asked. You can't really win with weddings.



+1 

The only weddings I enjoy are the very close family/friend ones. So many others are an expensive bores.


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## STEINER (16 Dec 2011)

Once a couple are paying for their wedding, they should be calling the shots.  When I married, every guest was personally known to us, I didn't invite cousins I hadn't seen in years and left some other relatives out. Regarding costs, we stuck to a reasonable budget, bought invites, did booklets ourselves, flowers in market, vintage car, photographer threw in his merc for transport.  Only real extravagance was the nice cake at about €500, dunno how/why wedding cakes can be so dear.  Can you eat a tier after 6 years?!!

Been to a friend's wedding where groom's parents picked his guests, a lot of their friends invited and mainly because they were invited to friends' offsprings' weddings.  Noticeably older guest at the wedding and of course a lot of them fecked home early once music started.

I attended a wedding where the groom's parents didn't attend ceremony or reception as they didn't agree with the family guestlist.

My elderly mother in law was invited to a niece's wedding, the invite was just for her, she was seated at a table of strangers!  After the meal my wife collected her from the ordeal.

A bride I know invited her estranged brother (the bride's brother) at the mother's insistence.  Needless to say a no show, no card or gift obviously.


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