# Wife overspending on grocery shopping



## jackswift

My wife goes into 3-4 shops a day, €20 here and €40 there it all adds up, it's simple out as she uses a credit card every time. I have pulled her up on it countless times and have even shown her how to do shopping once a week with a fraction of what she normally spends yet after a few weeks she'll slip back into her usual routine. At one stage last year she managed to spend €800 in one week alone and had nothing to show for it, food presses and freezer always empty. When I showed her how to do shopping once a week using vouchers €120/week is what the grocery bill was and enough food to last a week.

It has ended up in numerous fights and arguments as I suggested she use cash and only go into shops when necessary. I've even done the shopping myself as she refused to do it because she couldn't do it her way but I'm too busy most of the time. Any solutions?


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## mf1

Marriage counselling.

Or

End the marriage.

mf


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## jackswift

mf1 said:


> Marriage counselling.
> 
> Or
> 
> End the marriage.
> 
> mf


First one maybe second one no good as I own land.


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## odyssey06

General advice on how to limit your grocery spend...
* Online grocery shop with Tesco \ Supervalu \ local place
* Go with cash only and calculator...


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## dan rather

What do most couples fight about? Here are the 5 most common issues:

Free Time
Money
Housework
Physical Intimacy
Extended Family


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## Thirsty

Perhaps it's not going on groceries...?

I'm with mf1 here.

Not sure what owning land has to do with it.


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## dub_nerd

Definitely online shopping. Let's you use a standard grocery list or "favourites" that you have previously bought. Much easier to find current deals worth having, and avoid the gimmicks to do with the way shelves are arranged. Plus it's quicker, more environmentally friendly, and you can keep a list of the specific items bought every week, for later review. I could list you every single item in my shopping basket and the price paid for it for the last three years.

THAT SAID ... it's easy to be critical of someone else doing the shopping with "your" money. Maybe you haven't spent enough time getting to grips with the price of things. Don't point to one shopping list and say "there! I spent €80 where you spent €200". There is an ebb and flow to grocery shopping where certain items have to be restocked periodically. I find quite a lot of variation from one week to another that is nothing to do with being _flaithiúlach_.


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## Jazz01

jackswift said:


> I've even done the shopping myself



It's a busy world, but it's an hour plus a bit to get the grocery shopping done or you can do it online & get it delivered, all the better. There shouldn't be arguments over grocery shopping - unless ye are fighting to not do it


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## Delboy

Thirsty said:


> Not sure what owning land has to do with it.


Divorce and owning land does not go well together!

I think she may be bored at home and is using the shop as a way to get out of the house/pass a couple of hours. Thats my theory that I've established over the years from observations of the ladies in my life!
Could be a lot cheaper over the long run to encourage a hobby/gym membership etc


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## Thirsty

As I say, I don't believe it's about groceries.

As for the 'land' question...nothing "goes well" with divorce.


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## Joanne Heeney

Is this my husband ? Tom ?


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## Joanne Heeney

If you were my husband i would tell you to loosen up and stop trying to control her. She is obviously bored being married to someone like you who would actually post about it.


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## huskerdu

As you are treating her like a servant who isnt up to scratch, I would suggest a good ticking off and a threat to sack her is the best solution.


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## huskerdu

Oh wait , Ive had a radical thought - DO YOUR OWN SHOPPING


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## Palerider

€800 for one weeks shop even over the Christmas period is excessive, you don't say how many mouths you are feeding.

It occurs that this is not all being spent on shopping, I hope she is not hiding personal spend in the weekly shop spend because you have the household budget on a tight leash, now that would be controlling.

I don't look at the weekly shopping but it is not excessive, rarely over €200 but I do know a guy who stopped his wife shopping as she was not dong it properly and being wasteful, he has been doing it himself since Shame on him.

Relationships are two way streets and this may be a symptom of something deeper.


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## fistophobia

Where is she shopping? The non-German retailers by chance? Mortons of Ranelagh?


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## Gordon Gekko

€800 in one week on groceries with nothing to show for it?

I don’t believe that.


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## fistophobia

I would not spend that in a whole year, and I eat well.


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## newtothis

fistophobia said:


> I would not spend that in a whole year, and I eat well.



On €2.20/day? Or maybe you have someone buying you lunch......


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## jackswift

It's mostly groceries and the odd coffee, as I see it on the bank statements. I wonder is it alright to look at the bank statements seeing that I've been condemned here already.


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## Gordon Gekko

I doubt that €800 is an accurate figure.

We spend around €200 a week on groceries and that’s probably too much.

On top of that we probably spend €200 a week again on lunches, coffees, brunch at the weekend, etc, and another €200 a month on a meal out.

And I’d consider us to be off the wall.

€800 is crazy!


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## dan rather

Condemned by the women from my reading, resource pooling at its best, why is it that woman get so emotive and wound up about a women they don't know getting a bit of flack for squandering resources? Guilty conscience ?


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## jackswift

Did you even read what I wrote?

In reply to huskerdu.


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## jackswift

I know exactly the price of things as I did the shopping for over 6 months. It's not as easy with work.


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## RETIRED2017

jackswift said:


> It's mostly groceries and the odd coffee, as I see it on the bank statements. I wonder is it alright to look at the bank statements seeing that I've been condemned here already.


 bank statement show cash back


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## Boyd

jackswift said:


> Did you even read what I wrote?
> 
> In reply to huskerdu.


FYI, you can use the quote button, as done above, or @<username> (such as @jackswift) to direct a comment towards a person. They will get notification of same


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## Boyd

Regarding the original point. I'm not sure it's something this internet forum can solve, as its not really a money problem per se.
Perhaps if you produced some examples of the purchases, people would be more able to make a better judgement? For example, I also find spending E800 in a week on groceries preposterous, so any example of what made up said weeks spending would be most interesting!


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## ant dee

Switch to ordering groceries online. Easier, faster, you always see how high the bill is.
Can always go back to check exactly what was ordered in the previous shops.

My wife has the Tesco app on her phone, puts the order together, I go and collect it.
Anytime something odd pops in your mind, you can login add it to your cart.


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## Laramie

There are two of us at home. We have been availing of the €10 off voucher that you get with a €50 spend in Dunnes Stores. We sometimes spend this in Tesco on their special offers.
To be honest we even struggle to spend the €50. We would spend a portion of this on non perishables just to reach the €50 spend. We cook from scratch and will avail of the "special offers" on fruit and meats in store.
We might do a less than €20 top up spend in Lidl or Aldi because they have "different" stuff.
We will have a lunch and breakfast out once a week and the occasional take out.

If we were buying in our local Marks & Spencers I could see us spending 4 times the above. You can get a kilo of carrots in Tesco's for what you would pay for two cut and peeled and packaged carrots in M & S.


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## RETIRED2017

username123 said:


> Regarding the original point. I'm not sure it's something this internet forum can solve, as its not really a money problem per se.
> Perhaps if you produced some examples of the purchases, people would be more able to make a better judgement? For example, I also find spending E800 in a week on groceries preposterous, so any example of what made up said weeks spending would be most interesting!


The Quote Mostly groceries tells me house and family Items are mixed up with the 800 Euro spend When I buy Groceries I also get cash back to buy other Items required to pay  all of the family Requirements which could run to 800 euro,


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## Buddyboy

mf1 said:


> Marriage counselling.
> 
> Or
> 
> End the marriage.
> 
> mf


^^^^ What she said ^^^^
It's not about the groceries.  Stop trying to control the symptoms, and look at the cause.
I have no idea what the cause is, and wouldn't even start to guess, but until you step back and ask the questions/start being curious about the _why, _you will just keep getting annoyed with the behaviour/symptoms with no resolution.
(And this includes being curious about your reaction to the behaviour).

(That'll be €50 please  )


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## Pinesky

I'd say it's fancy lingerie to tittilate her lover


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## Joanne Heeney

Pinesky said:


> I'd say it's fancy lingerie to tittilate her lover



Yes agree, thats what i spend my grocery money


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## dan rather

Joanne Heeney said:


> Yes agree, thats what i spend my grocery money


edible undies


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## Easeler

Anyone care to set up a website askaboutwemon.com I think a lot of us could do with a bit of advice from time to time. OP I feel your pain the only advice I have to offer is communication about what' coming in and what' going out and if your expenditure exceeds your income your in trouble.


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## MrEarl

Hello,

I can perfectly understand how someone might intend to go into M&S on Grafton Street, but find themselves in Victoria's Secret instead ... happens to me all of the time 

Getting back to grocery shopping though, we used to find we were spending too much on grocery shopping (sorry to say with food sometimes going to waste as a result).  We decided to stop shopping for everything but fresh fruit and veg. for a couple of weeks, and cleared out much of the freezer and presses instead.  It was quite a surprise how much food was actually there.

Having done the above, we then decided that we would start using online shopping with home delivery.  The reasons for doing this were:

No impulse purchases in the supermarket (someone in the family who will remain nameless, had a habit of buying beer and wine every time they saw a special offer).
It's very easy to keep an eye on the overall spend, you can even reduce it by removing a few things from the basket before you confirm the delivery.
You don't need to keep buying more bags because you forgot to bring them with you (yet again !).

Saved a couple of hours a week, between going to and from the supermarket, pushing the trolley around the isles etc.
There is a charge for home delivery, but Tesco do a monthly charge which makes it less than €3 pw if you get a weekly delivery.  I expect that Supervalu do something similar, but not sure.

We still buy fruit and veg, along with cuts of meat, from a good local outlet, but everything else gets delivered.

All in all, it is working very well and at a guess, I'd say we've cut out shopping bill down by close to 50% (and there's still wine on the rack and beer in the fridge )

I'd recommend this as a very worthwhile exercise for anyone that thinks that they are spending too much on groceries, not least the part where you first try and clear out the freezer and presses, most houses have a hell of a lot of food in storage and don't even realise it.


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## Steven Barrett

Going to a website where a lot of the posters live frugally isn't the best place to look for advice on your freely spending wife. You are largely going to get a one sided arguments. 

Lots of couples have spenders and savers and it does cause arguments, usually started by the saver who can't believe the other half has spent so much money (and men can be just as reckless as women with money. I have met loads of prudent women who's husbands spend like today's their last day on earth). You need to talk about the spending, why it's so much and come to an agreement on the levels. As mentioned before, she is probably bored and that makes sense. What does her day look like? Is she wandering around the local shops to fill her day? If so, no wonder she's spending. 

Showing your wife how to do the shopping is demeaning and I'm surprised she didn't slap the head off you in the supermarket as you showed her how to put items in a trolley. If you carry on like that, you'll own half the land. 


Steven
www.bluewaterfp.ie


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## jackswift

SBarrett said:


> Going to a website where a lot of the posters live frugally isn't the best place to look for advice on your freely spending wife. You are largely going to get a one sided arguments.
> 
> Lots of couples have spenders and savers and it does cause arguments, usually started by the saver who can't believe the other half has spent so much money (and men can be just as reckless as women with money. I have met loads of prudent women who's husbands spend like today's their last day on earth). You need to talk about the spending, why it's so much and come to an agreement on the levels. As mentioned before, she is probably bored and that makes sense. What does her day look like? Is she wandering around the local shops to fill her day? If so, no wonder she's spending.
> *
> Showing your wife how to do the shopping is demeaning* and I'm surprised she didn't slap the head off you in the supermarket as you showed her how to put items in a trolley. If you carry on like that, you'll own half the land.
> 
> 
> Steven
> www.bluewaterfp.ie


Demeaning? Yeah right, that's fine and dandy using that word but when you are struggling to pay bills and taxes because there's so much money being wasted every month common sense has to prevail. Do you think when the taxman wants his share in October I could say to him "sorry lad but my wife has it all spent during the year" and he'll forget about it. hardly.


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## jackswift

username123 said:


> Regarding the original point. I'm not sure it's something this internet forum can solve, as its not really a money problem per se.
> Perhaps if you produced some examples of the purchases, people would be more able to make a better judgement? For example, I also find spending E800 in a week on groceries preposterous, so any example of what made up said weeks spending would be most interesting!


I'll see if I can find it over the weekend and put it up here.


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## jackswift

username123 said:


> FYI, you can use the quote button, as done above, or @<username> (such as @jackswift) to direct a comment towards a person. They will get notification of same


Yeah I know, I was using the phone and clicked the reply button by mistake and there was no option to delete the comment and start over.


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## Sunny

jackswift said:


> I'll see if I can find it over the weekend and put it up here.



Don't. You have made your point and I wouldn't have the same problem with your question that others seem to have but I think putting a breakdown of her grocery spending on a public forum like this is too much. You are married adults. You must get a lunch break in work or some spare time in the evenings/weekends. Go online and order the groceries yourself. Do up a budget as a couple and agree to try and stick to it. If you can't, see why not. Agree that money saved that be spent on treating yourselves with something nice like a night away. There are loads of things you can do.


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## dan rather

Sunny said:


> Don't. You have made your point and I wouldn't have the same problem with your question that others seem to have but I think putting a breakdown of her grocery spending on a public forum like this is too much. You are married adults. You must get a lunch break in work or some spare time in the evenings/weekends. Go online and order the groceries yourself. Do up a budget as a couple and agree to try and stick to it. If you can't, see why not. Agree that money saved that be spent on treating yourselves with something nice like a night away. There are loads of things you can do.


surely its not just 'her' grocery spending but 'theirs'? I'd like to see the types of truffles she's buying personally


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## jim

Sunny said:


> Don't. You have made your point and I wouldn't have the same problem with your question that others seem to have but I think putting a breakdown of her grocery spending on a public forum like this is too much. You are married adults. You must get a lunch break in work or some spare time in the evenings/weekends. Go online and order the groceries yourself. Do up a budget as a couple and agree to try and stick to it. If you can't, see why not. Agree that money saved that be spent on treating yourselves with something nice like a night away. There are loads of things you can do.



Do. I wanna see this.


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## gnf_ireland

jackswift said:


> Demeaning? Yeah right, that's fine and dandy using that word but when you are struggling to pay bills and taxes because there's so much money being wasted every month common sense has to prevail.


There is a fundamental difference between having a discussion on budgeting and showing someone how to shop for groceries.
I think, like many have said, the conversation needs be on budgeting and chat about what you can afford and not afford.
Maybe its time to get rid of the credit card and move to a pre-pay one?

I think a budget would go a long way in every house so everyone can clearly understand the choices they need to make about money


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## Steven Barrett

jackswift said:


> Demeaning? Yeah right, that's fine and dandy using that word but when you are struggling to pay bills and taxes because there's so much money being wasted every month *common sense has to prevail*. Do you think when the taxman wants his share in October I could say to him "sorry lad but my wife has it all spent during the year" and he'll forget about it. hardly.



What's the point in coming onto a forum looking for advice and agreeing with those who take your view and giving out about those with a different view? 

Common sense does have to prevail but not listening to other opinions won't solve your problems. You need to come to a spending agreement with your wife. Maybe open an account for her and lodge an agreed, fixed amount into it each month. 

But if she's just spending all this money in the supermarket and not even on clothes, she's bored and there's other issues you need to address...

Good luck


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## gnf_ireland

jim said:


> Do. I wanna see this.


having looked at the shopping bill from earlier today, I was surprised how expensive some individual items were...


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## jackswift

SBarrett said:


> What's the point in coming onto a forum looking for advice and agreeing with those who take your view and giving out about those with a different view?
> 
> Common sense does have to prevail but not listening to other opinions won't solve your problems. You need to come to a spending agreement with your wife. Maybe open an account for her and lodge an agreed, fixed amount into it each month.
> 
> But if she's just spending all this money in the supermarket and not even on clothes, she's bored and there's other issues you need to address...
> 
> Good luck


She's hardly bored going on 2 holidays a year. New York and Spain last year same again this year.


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## Sunny

jackswift said:


> She's hardly bored going on 2 holidays a year. New York and Spain last year same again this year.



Well now you just sound abnoxious. She is your wife, not some sort of employee. You make it sound like she should be grateful....If your relationship is so one-sided that all she does it take money and spend in the supermarket, then leave her. If you value your land over your happiness then that's your choice. Live with it and stop moaning.

You would have the shopping done with all the time you have spent posting here.....


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## jim

I suggest taking it back to the OPs original post. €800 per week on groceries is scandalous in my book. If it was my money and my OH or anyone for that matter that had access to my dosh was doing that id reign them right on in.


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## dan rather

The communication sounds v bad, is she from a different country than you?


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## Gervan

I agree with the posters who have said this is not about grocery costs, or even shopping. Possibly not even about spending money.
It is about your wife getting out of the house and being surrounded by other people. 
I don't think it's marriage counselling specifically that is needed, but she does need "counselling", even if this is just a good friend to talk to.
If you're worried about the cost, a coffee and chat session with a friend in a cafe can last two or three hours and cost a tenner.


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## T McGibney

jim said:


> I suggest taking it back to the OPs original post. €800 per week on groceries is scandalous in my book.



It's not €800 per week though. Take your own advice and read the original post again.


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## Joanne Heeney

Survey today from The Central Statistics office   in the  Journal .ie says average expenditure on the household is €837 per week. Interesting hey. I think you both need to agree a weekly budget and i would suggest debit card and get rid of the credit card but tell me Jack Swift are you sure your not my husband. Tom is that you ???


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## Joanne Heeney

This is so much more fun then the tracker redress forum. If this is you Tom i'm doing a runner when the redress comes in


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## jim

@Joanne Heeney

Im Tom. Its not Jack, its me. C,mere, tell me this, what times dinner at this eve?

Ps: did you pick up milk?


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## fistophobia

Two ways to deal with this;

Bring her away on a small break, and tell her you want to be able take more breaks together.
Spell out a romantic vision, and that by economising, you could achieve this.

Otherwise, fight fire with fire. Put money out of reach on salary day - Plough money into AVCs,
overpay the mortgage, or withdraw money randomly - tell her you have a gambling problem.


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## Joanne Heeney

fistophobia said:


> Two ways to deal with this;
> 
> Bring her away on a small break, and tell her you want to be able take more breaks together.
> Spell out a romantic vision, and that by economising, you could achieve this.
> 
> Otherwise, fight fire with fire. Put money out of reach on salary day - Plough money into AVCs,
> overpay the mortgage, or withdraw money randomly - tell her you have a gambling problem.



Silly response


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## xoxoxo

Does your wife work outside the home - in Other words, does she have an income? ? Have you children and if so how old? Is your marriage generwlly a happy one.


Perhaps  if your wife is not earning, she may be using the extra money to puts aside for a time she should need her own money for something.


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## Sue Ellen

jackswift said:


> My wife goes into 3-4 shops a day, €20 here and €40 there it all adds up, it's simple out as *she uses a credit card every time.*





xoxoxo said:


> Perhaps  if your wife is not earning, she may be using the extra money to puts aside for a time she should need her own money for something.





She can't be stashing it away (unfortunately for her  ) as she is using a credit card.


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## POC

I would hate if my husband was trying to micro manage grocery shopping!

I don’t understand how €800 could be spent on groceries in one week. As a family of 5 (4 adults and a teenager), I’d spend about €120 on a Big shop, and about another €25 on top ups of milk, bananas etc. However I know we buy a lot of Supermarket Own Brand items, and we tend to eat mince rather than steak! It would be easy to spend a lot more if buying expensive brands, shopping at M&S, or upmarket local delis etc.
From reading all the posts, I wonder:
Does your wife work? Has she ever worked? Has she ever had to manage her own money?
Is she aware of the Big Picture regarding your family finances? 
Is she Irish? If not, does she have good English? Is she entitled to work in Ireland?
Do you have kids?
If she has never had to manage her own money, maybe she just hasn’t learnt how. Depending on her background, she may not have received good example.
I have a family member who grew up in a wealthy family, but even though his circumstances have changed, he still often has extravagant tendencies, which is wife is able to reign in!
I have another older family member, who was at home full time. She never knew what her husband earned. She had access to money through cheque books etc, but had no idea of the big picture. She would worry if her husband made a big purchase, because she had no idea whether they could afford it. On the other hand, he would talk about his thriftiness regarding other purchases. So she was getting mixed messages. She was very sensible with money as it happens.

I would hope that your wife could manage her spending better if the 2 of you do some budgeting together, so she can see the big picture.
If she is shopping because she is bored or lonely, maybe she needs support to find friends or social outlets (especially if she is living a long way from her family). Volunteering, joining a gym, language classes or similar could be a good start.
Someone else mentioned cash back. If she is accumulating cash it could be for a large number of reasons, such as sending money home, gambling, or building up ‘running away’ money.
Maybe the grocery shopping includes alcohol and she is drinking?

All in all, this is a very intriguing thread! Good luck with managing this - it could be tricky to do without causing huge offense and upset.


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## Sue Ellen

POC said:


> I have another older family member, who was at home full time. She never knew what her husband earned. She had access to money through cheque books etc, but had no idea of the big picture. She would worry if her husband made a big purchase, because she had no idea whether they could afford it. On the other hand, he would talk about his thriftiness regarding other purchases. So she was getting mixed messages. She was very sensible with money as it happens.



I have seen this scenario on a number of occasions and think that it is a very cruel thing to do to anyone.  Two different women that I knew were left totally unable to manage when their husbands died suddenly.  In one case she spent all the money in a short number of years because of her lack of experience in handling finances.  Offers of help or advice were refused through embarrassment.


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## Gordon Gekko

It’s very unhealthy for couples not to be open and honest about money and what each party earns. It’s a partnership of equals with each person bringing different things to the table. When I was a trainee earning the square root of zip, my then girlfriend was the bigger earner. Swings and roundabouts.


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## onmywayback

fistophobia said:


> I see this situation a lot. Its the "Latte factor*". Look it up.*
> 
> Somebody on here was posting about having 7K a month nett income, and only managing to save 5K / year. WTF?
> With that sort of income, I would be stashing at least 5K / MONTH.
> Theres only 2 options - you either earn more, or spend less. Most people are not able to change their income. Therefore, the defense game always wins.
> 
> OP, listen, do you want to be a mindless consumer drone, or take back control of your future?
> I dont care what the reasons are for OP wife to be spending so much - tell ye, as a man I would not put up with this, for one minute.
> I dont care what the consequences would be. When I see how hard it is to make a buck - this is after tax money you are never getting back.



Amen

You trade your life for money but it seems like so many people just throw it away.

So many people with big incomes and barely a pot to piss in posting on this site.

I work with people who will be out for lunch and then get a carry out coffee to have back in the office despite having free coffee provided in work. All a big front for people only one or two generations out of the bog and a few missed paychecks from penury.

Op tell your wife to cop on and grow up.

Owen


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## Early Riser

fistophobia said:


> tell ye, as a man I would not put up with this, for one minute.





fistophobia said:


> When I see how hard it is to make a buck





onmywayback said:


> Op tell your wife to cop on and grow up.



You folks aren't in the marriage guidance business by any chance ?


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## Gordon Gekko

There is a balance to be struck between being an inheritance providing machine for your kids and being reckless (in some people’s eyes).

I’m all for financial prudence, but life is also for living.

I can get free coffee at work, but I prefer to spend €6 a day to get something that I actually like. I couldn’t care less that compounded at 7% for the rest of my life that could be €X00,000.

A wise man once said to me “invest 1/3 of your spare cash, pay 1/3 of it off your mortgage, and then splurge the other 1/3”...let’s call a spade a spade, the splurging is the best part!


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## MrEarl

Gordon Gekko said:


> ....I can get free coffee at work, but I prefer to spend €6 a day to get something that I actually like. I couldn’t care less that compounded at 7% for the rest of my life that could be €X00,000. ....



Quick money saving tip 

Chip in with a few colleagues for a Nespresso machine.  The capsules run between 36-42 cents each (and can be ordered online, then delivered to your door).


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## ant dee

MrEarl said:


> Quick money saving tip
> 
> Chip in with a few colleagues for a Nespresso machine.  The capsules run between 36-42 cents each (and can be ordered online, then delivered to your door).



I got to say, a lot of times i get better espresso from a Nespresso machine than a street barista.
Add to that the near-zero maintenance, the speed and the decent price...

Those full-auto coffeemakers used to be made fun of, not anymore!


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## Gordon Gekko

MrEarl said:


> Quick money saving tip
> 
> Chip in with a few colleagues for a Nespresso machine.  The capsules run between 36-42 cents each (and can be ordered online, then delivered to your door).



Hi Mr Earl,

I have one at home as it happens!

So at least I don’t spend much on coffee at weekends!

Cheers.


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## Early Riser

ant dee said:


> I got to say, a lot of times i get better espresso from a Nespresso machine than a street barista.
> Add to that the near-zero maintenance, the speed and the decent price...



Once you have the wife trained in - keep her from shopping.




Gordon Gekko said:


> I have one at home as it happens!



See!


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## Steven Barrett

I highly recommend people read The Millionaire Next Door. 

A very interesting point made in the book is expectation. If you are a partner of a big accountancy or law firm, you are expected to live in a big house, drive an expensive car, wear expensive suits. All high expenditure. But if you own a shop or a skip hire company, you can use the work van, wear jeans and boots etc, have a modest house etc. Yet you could be a multi millionaire. 

This has a big effect on your kids too. Bring them up in a household with expensive tastes and exotic holidays etc and that is what they expect. Except they may not be as successful as their parent. So who finances their high demand lifestyle? Their parents. 

Read the book, it's an eye opener. 

Steven
www.bluewaterfp.ie


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## Gordon Gekko

It’s a good book alright. However, it is possible to educate your kids so they understand that in order to have a good lifestyle, you have to work and/or study hard.


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## jackswift

Joanne Heeney said:


> This is so much more fun then the tracker redress forum. If this is you Tom i'm doing a runner when the redress comes in


Not Tom


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## jackswift

fistophobia said:


> Two ways to deal with this;
> 
> Bring her away on a small break, and tell her you want to be able take more breaks together.
> Spell out a romantic vision, and that by economising, you could achieve this.
> 
> Otherwise, fight fire with fire. Put money out of reach on salary day - Plough money into AVCs,
> overpay the mortgage, or withdraw money randomly - tell her you have a gambling problem.


It's a break away from her that I need. Married 28 years 2 children in their 20's both working. She worked a few jobs but never lasted in them except as a carer about 10 years ago but she packed it in after 4 years when they brought in those fetac courses, she reckoned that it would be too much for her to do the course. She smokes as well 30 a day. She is never satisfied always complaining about trivial things, you could say something as a joke and she'll pick it up wrong and make an argument out of it. Self employed so no set income and tax is paid in October so trying to put money aside for that is a problem.


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## gnf_ireland

SBarrett said:


> This has a big effect on your kids too. Bring them up in a household with expensive tastes and exotic holidays etc and that is what they expect. Except they may not be as successful as their parent. So who finances their high demand lifestyle? Their parents.





Gordon Gekko said:


> However, it is possible to educate your kids so they understand that in order to have a good lifestyle, you have to work and/or study hard.


A risk for any decent earner at the moment - how to instill the "value of money" concept into kids who in reality will never really want for things in their life...  I guess that will be another parenting challenge !!

But agree with you both


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## gnf_ireland

jackswift said:


> Self employed so no set income and tax is paid in October so trying to put money aside for that is a problem.


Surely private income and business income are kept separate ?


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## LS400

A dolly mixture of replys if ever I read some.
Quite a few smart alecks, cowards and jokers, and then with some helpful responses from the less judgemental.

This is quite a serious issue with some households and telling them, they risk loosing half their property, may get a slap and so on, or just separate if they face up to reality, is pretty sad.

I think we all know some one who is less than cautious with money, don't understand the value of it, doesn't think it will ever dry up..

I'm surprised by your last post, I expected recent marriage, couple of kids, mortgage etc.

It can't have always been like this i would suspect.

Something has changed in her/your life resulting in this change of habit.

If it were me, I would bring her away for a quite weekend and Talk this out.


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## Marion

Why not seriously encourage her to take that QQI level 5 healthcare course? Go to some colleges with her. Actively take an interest in her taking a course.

She was interested in that area. Level 5 is challenging for some but a pathway for others.

I have met so many adults who felt they were not good enough for level 5.  Many of them have now acquired masters degrees in university. (One of my current students told me during the week that he wants to go all the way to level 10 in Engineering! He has applied for a place in Trinity College. I believe he will achieve this.)

A little encouragement from you to do this might be the kick start to a more positive and happier life for your both as you approach a new phase in your lives together.

The courses run by ETBs are not as expensive as those run by private colleges. Fees for year about €700. (Cheaper than a week’s shopping) 

Marion


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## joe sod

jackswift said:


> It's a break away from her that I need. Married 28 years 2 children in their 20's both working. She worked a few jobs but never lasted in them except as a carer about 10 years ago but she packed it in after 4 years when they brought in those fetac courses, she reckoned that it would be too much for her to do the course. She smokes as well 30 a day. She is never satisfied always complaining about trivial things, you could say something as a joke and she'll pick it up wrong and make an argument out of it. Self employed so no set income and tax is paid in October so trying to put money aside for that is a problem.



At least you are open and honest, you dont try and sugarcoat stuff which is why you have got such a big response to your post. There is an awful lot of censorship nowadays people don't say straight out the issues affecting them. Some people on this site obviously earn big salaries so 800 euro on groceries is no big deal for them but for you it is an issue as your money is hard earned. Could you not sort of live seperate lives but still under one roof, you pay her x per week and let her look after herself, the family is reared so that is not an issue. Presumably you are not looking for her help on farm so then she needs to get a job and her own life.


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## shweeney

Set a budget - we have a joint account, a set amount goes into it each month - that's the budget for groceries, diesel etc. Credit cards are a disaster for this as you're spending money you don't have.


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## Early Riser

jackswift said:


> It's a break away from her that I need. Married 28 years 2 children in their 20's both working. She worked a few jobs but never lasted in them except as a carer about 10 years ago but she packed it in after 4 years when they brought in those fetac courses, she reckoned that it would be too much for her to do the course. She smokes as well 30 a day. She is never satisfied always complaining about trivial things, you could say something as a joke and she'll pick it up wrong and make an argument out of it. Self employed so no set income and tax is paid in October so trying to put money aside for that is a problem.



Clearly the issues here are much more complex than budgeting alone (and this is not to diminish the importance of budgeting and the impact it has on your finances). 

There have been a number of suggestions in the thread about how you might be able to manage the shopping outlay better - whether these are workable or not for you I have no idea, you will have to decide.Perhaps, your solicitor or accountant could advise further, if you choose this route.

But the bigger impression I have is that neither of you is satisfied, fulfilled or happy in the marriage as it is. As several posters have already indicated, I don't think a money forum is going to provide a solution to this. Even for starters, I have little doubt that there is considerably more complexity to the situation than we have at the moment - not only from your point of view but also from that of Mrs Swift and each of the two younger Swifts. If you are resigned to living out the rest of your life in this apparently sad state of affairs, then maybe you can look to at least containing the budget situation in isolation - although I don't know whether Mrs Swift will go along with this.

Otherwise, you need to think of where you might turn to for support. Might Mrs swift be depressed? I don't know. Might you be? Again I don't know. I do suspect that there is considerable anger and resentment there on both sides. Do you think that some form of better relationship is achievable - or has ever been there? If so, would you consider marriage counselling ? If not, would you consider counselling for yourself - or at least have you got someone sensible and wise you can call on for support in confidence - both for emotional support and to consider practically what you want to do? Might there be anything available through the farming organizations?

It is a very lonely place to be on your own - so I can understand you turning to a money forum. But I'm not sure if it is really the best place.

Best of luck with it - I hope you can find a way of making it better.


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## Vonnee

I am assuming that you are a farmer based on what you have posted re land and tax being due in October.  I am a farmer's wife and a spender (though I do have my own well paid career).  It looks like all the farming money is going into the joint account and your wife has access to this account for spending.  A common mistake farmer's make is not keeping the 'business/farm' income and expenditure in one account and the personal expenditure in another account.

I would suggest that you keep the business income and expenditure separate and set up a joint/separate personal account where you pay in your 'personal money' and personal spends are paid from this.  As farming income is v seasonal, it can appear that there is plenty of money, when there are suppliers to be paid, tax paid etc.  Allowing yourselves €x for running of household and general spending would be a sensible way to start.

While I like to spend (and my husband doesn't), at least by having my own income, we each have money that we do not have to account to the other on.  I also agree that online grocery shopping is a huge time (and money) saver.


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## jackswift

Vonnee said:


> I am assuming that you are a farmer based on what you have posted re land and tax being due in October.  I am a farmer's wife and a spender (though I do have my own well paid career).  It looks like all the farming money is going into the joint account and your wife has access to this account for spending.  A common mistake farmer's make is not keeping the 'business/farm' income and expenditure in one account and the personal expenditure in another account.
> 
> I would suggest that you keep the business income and expenditure separate and set up a joint/separate personal account where you pay in your 'personal money' and personal spends are paid from this.  As farming income is v seasonal, it can appear that there is plenty of money, when there are suppliers to be paid, tax paid etc.  Allowing yourselves €x for running of household and general spending would be a sensible way to start.
> 
> While I like to spend (and my husband doesn't), at least by having my own income, we each have money that we do not have to account to the other on.  I also agree that online grocery shopping is a huge time (and money) saver.


You assume correctly, dairy farming. Yes all money goes into one account. I have never thought of setting up a separate account which is something well worth thinking about. I was with IFAC accountants for years paying them more than what I got in return. They say they are also financial advisers and yet they never once questioned the high weekly drawings. For years I took no notice of the high grocery bill as I thought it was normal and I had no interest in shopping, it wasn't until 2013 that finances were running very low that I checked out the average weekly cost of groceries and general household goods on the internet for a family of four. My wife was spending between 3-400 a week and the average for a family of 4 in Ireland was €138/week at the time. It was then the penny dropped that she was way overspending, when I confronted her about it all I got is that I am supposed to provide for her and that that was all she had. I told her if we end up overdrawn the bank will shout stop and she'll have a lot less every week but she still couldn't grasp it. 

Around 1997 I had to dry off the cows early due to quota being in short supply and having too many cows, so no income for the next 6-7 months and sure enough she kept spending and we ended up 18k overdrawn. My aunt died the following year and left me a bit of money which got us out of that, there wasn't much left after paying that bill with interest.


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## dan rather

sounds like shes saving for a rainy day, unless you can account for all her spending


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## jackswift

dan rather said:


> sounds like shes saving for a rainy day, unless you can account for all her spending


I used to think that, I thought no way could she spend that amount of money and I thought she had a seperate account with all the extra money but I checked it out and she doesn't.


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## dub_nerd

Do her cigarettes come out of the weekly shopping budget? Thirty per day costs €130 per week all on its own. If you were a bit lax with the rest of the spending it's easy to see how you'd get to €300 for four adults. I manage to get through about €100/week shopping online for two.


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## Sanparom

€300 to €400 a week for 4 adults is very, very possible. I think you need to give your wife a break.


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## T McGibney

jackswift said:


> I was with IFAC accountants for years paying them more than what I got in return. They say they are also financial advisers and yet they never once questioned the high weekly drawings.



Utterly ridiculous to expect your accountants to monitor your "high weekly drawings" (which in my experience are not at all high for a family of 4, btw).


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## Thirsty

> It's a break away from her that I need....She is never satisfied always complaining about trivial things, you could say something as a joke and she'll pick it up wrong and make an argument out of it.



As I believe I said at the beginning of this thread - nothing to do with groceries.

You have three choices

a. continue as you are with both of you miserable
b. get some help/ marriage guidance / counselling
c. separate / divorce

pick the one you like best and do it.


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## Slim

Thirsty said:


> As I believe I said at the beginning of this thread - nothing to do with groceries.
> 
> You have three choices
> 
> a. continue as you are with both of you miserable
> b. get some help/ marriage guidance / counselling
> c. separate / divorce
> 
> pick the one you like best and do it.


There seems to be a great deal of unhappiness in your household, on both sides. It is likely that the overspending is your wife's manifestation of that unhappiness. We have no way of knowing what yours is. Perhaps if she were on here she would enlighten us as to your (unacceptable to her) habits! I think Thirsty says it well but I suggest you skip a. and go straight to b. with the nuclear option of c. as a backstop. Whatever you do, don't let this fester. You both need to sort the issues out asap! Best of luck with it.


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