# Parenting tips



## sandrat (29 Oct 2008)

I saw a woman dip her child's soother in the water at a petrol station used for cleaning windscreens after it fell on the ground in the forecourt. Wonder was she trying to get the child to stop using the soother?

Anyone else got useful parenting tips?


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## Caveat (29 Oct 2008)

TOP TIP:

FAO: _some_ parents:

When you and your kids are in other peoples houses, your children do not automatically cease to become your responsibility when you walk through the door.  Just because the potentially dangerous objects/areas in the house belong to me doesn't mean the kids do as well.


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## csirl (29 Oct 2008)

TOP TIP 2:

FAO Inner city parents.

When you want to cross a busy city centre street, please do not use the buggy/child as a device to stop traffic. Some day you will push the child out into oncoming traffic and it wont stop in time. Please use the pedestrian crossings.


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## Celtwytch (29 Oct 2008)

TOP TIP 3:

Rope chafes.  Use something softer when tying up your little monsters


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## Vanilla (29 Oct 2008)

TOP TIP

Apparently you CANNOT give them back ( who knew?!). 

So have a bit of fun with them to break the misery...letting them loose in your (childless) friends houses, play russian roulette with the buggy/road dance, and play silly buggers with other peoples minds by, say, dipping their soother in inappropriate liquids ( washer fluid WAS a good one all right, but try freaking people out by dipping them in, say brandy or the likes for added effect). Hey, no one ever said having kids would be easy but you might as well milk the situation.


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## TarfHead (29 Oct 2008)

TOP TIP Any liquid decanted to a baby bottle automatically loses it's harmful properties.

So, go on, fill up those baby bottles and sucky cup containers with high-sugar 'fruit juice' , Coca Cola, etc. and let the little darlings guzzle away to their heart's (and teeth's) content, with *no downside*.


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## Lauren (29 Oct 2008)

csirl said:


> TOP TIP 2:
> 
> FAO Inner city parents.
> 
> When you want to cross a busy city centre street, please do not use the buggy/child as a device to stop traffic. Some day you will push the child out into oncoming traffic and it wont stop in time. Please use the pedestrian crossings.


 

Errr not sure that this is a problem with only 'inner city' parents. Were you referring to a city in particular?


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## ninsaga (29 Oct 2008)

Top Tip

When your child is coughing and sneezing & especially has a massive permanent flow of snot (the greener the better - but yellow will also suffice!) ... running from nose to their upper lip...then be sure to have them go to someone else's table in the restaurant and stand right there looking up at the strangers for amusement!


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## Caveat (29 Oct 2008)

Vanilla said:


> (childless)


 
I prefer the term "child-free by choice" actually.


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## Vanilla (29 Oct 2008)

Caveat said:


> I prefer the term "child-free by choice" actually.


 
Jeeze, touchy!  Mind you, I'd prefer it too but refer back to the 'can't give 'em back' bit!


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## Caveat (29 Oct 2008)

Vanilla said:


> the 'can't give 'em back' bit!


 
Well since seemingly we're all going to hell in a handcart, you never know, some not so distant dystopian future scenario could change things.


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## dereko1969 (29 Oct 2008)

Vanilla said:


> TOP TIP
> 
> Apparently you CANNOT give them back ( who knew?!).


 
apparently you can if you're in some states in the US

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7668743.stm


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## Sue Ellen (29 Oct 2008)

ninsaga said:


> Top Tip
> 
> When your child is coughing and sneezing & especially has a massive permanent flow of snot (the greener the better - but yellow will also suffice!) ... running from nose to their upper lip...then be sure to have them go to someone else's table in the restaurant and stand right there looking up at the strangers for amusement!



Or allow them wander around supermarkets with the quite obviously infectious whooping cough ................


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## Bubbly Scot (29 Oct 2008)

Be sure and threaten your kids with the harmless looking shop assistant if they start to play up in public. Something along the lines of "if you don't stop messing around, that lady there will tell you off/throw you out" should suffice.


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## WaterSprite (29 Oct 2008)

Make sure to update your friends, childless or otherwise, about the frequency, colour and consistency of your child's poo.


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## PM1234 (29 Oct 2008)

TOP TIP.

If you receive a wedding invitation that specifically says 'no children', please make sure to bring them along to show the 'child free' guests what they're missing


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## Betsy Og (30 Oct 2008)

Books for your kids that never quite made it to market:

Why cant Mr. Fork and Mrs. Power Socket be friends

You're different, and thats bad

(there was a load more, I can only remeber those 2)


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## Upstihaggity (30 Oct 2008)

Like these Betsy??!!

1. You Are Different and That's Bad 
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 
3. Dad's New Wife Robert 
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 
9. All Cats Go to Hell 
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 
11. Some Kittens Can Fly 
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket 
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 
19. You Were an Accident 
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 
23. Your Nightmares Are Real 
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry


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## Pique318 (30 Oct 2008)

Upstihaggity said:


> Like these Betsy??!!
> 
> 1. You Are Different and That's Bad
> 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
> ...


LOL brilliant... I love number 21


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## ninsaga (30 Oct 2008)

No 3 gave me the best laugh


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## truthseeker (30 Oct 2008)

TOP TIP:
When your child has a slightly runny nose and wet mouth insist that he gives kisses goodbye to your visitors - on their mouths, ignore the fact that they are cringing away from his wet open mouth and sniffly nose and that although you may think its cute they absolutely hate it but feel they cant tell you they think its disgusting because you'll take that as a slight upon your little darling.


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## Thirsty (30 Oct 2008)

While everyone is eating, swing baby upside down and sniff bum loudly to see if it's time for a nappy change.   Make loud 'yuck' noises if it is....


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## AJC (30 Oct 2008)

Nappies - the picture goes to the front

When dressing an infant - Stretch the clothes and not the child!


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## Betsy Og (30 Oct 2008)

on a semi-serious note I gather you no longer make up formula and put it in the fridge, you boil the water, let it cool a bit, put it in a flask, make up a bottle with the warm/lukewarm water when needed.

Makes sense, nothing worse that walking around in the cold in your jocks, waiting for the bottle to defrost for your darling. & dont microwave it (seriously, apparently), and test it on your hand, and if you use a fraction too much formula your child could turn green (the last one is a particularly good tip for first time parents - cue Intel like lab conditions & scientific measurement of formula )


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## Mpsox (30 Oct 2008)

Upstihaggity said:


> Like these Betsy??!!
> 
> 
> 3. Dad's New Wife Robert
> ...


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## sandrat (30 Oct 2008)

a good book (real) for kids when mammy is expecting is called "where willy went" 

It follows the story of willy who is a sperm living inside mr browne and is training for a marathon to try and reach the egg inside mrs browne.


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## ninsaga (30 Oct 2008)

Chicken nuggets are an essential part of balanced nutrition & should be part of the daily staple diet. 

Ensure to entice your child to do what you want (like behaving perhaps) by rewarding them with even more chicken nuggets!


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## Betsy Og (30 Oct 2008)

sandrat said:


> a good book (real) for kids when mammy is expecting is called "where willy went"
> 
> It follows the story of willy who is a sperm living inside mr browne and is training for a marathon to try and reach the egg inside mrs browne.


 
no pun intended I suppose in the title !!, but isnt that too much info for a kid. We are currenlty explaining theres a baby in Mammy's tummy - no requirement to explain how it got there at this stage.  

When they do ask where babies come from I'll announce I'm off to McDonalds - that always seems to work........


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## sandrat (30 Oct 2008)

there is also, mummy laid an egg


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## DavyJones (30 Oct 2008)

AJC said:


> Nappies - the picture goes to the front




Great tip,

 My wife told me that one with an exasperated look on her face. It was nearly a mantra I had in the early days "picture to the front" "picture to the front" ,

 Now I can change a nappy with my eyes closed


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## Complainer (30 Oct 2008)

Vanilla said:


> TOP TIP
> 
> Apparently you CANNOT give them back ( who knew?!).


[broken link removed].


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## Purple (30 Oct 2008)

Upstihaggity said:


> Like these Betsy??!!
> 
> 1. You Are Different and That's Bad
> 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
> ...



Best laugh I've had all week.


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## homebird (2 Nov 2008)

How many phone calls do your under fives receive?

Is "John, Mary, little Johnny and Little Mary are not available, please leave a message" really necessary on your voicemail???


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## Gordanus (3 Nov 2008)

If your baby is crying on the plane, do please repeatedly threaten it to make it shut up, and if the threats fail, hit it.

(People on the seat next to me......  )


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## MrMan (3 Nov 2008)

When I was younger I was sitting on a plane next to a (very drunk) couple who were knocking back drink at a great rate and when she got a bit loud and said something to him that obviously mad him mad he hit her a thump and she started crying and he turned to me and apologised for her behaviour!


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## ninsaga (3 Nov 2008)

MrMan said:


> When I was younger I was sitting on a plane next to a (very drunk) couple who were knocking back drink at a great rate and when she got a bit loud and said something to him that obviously mad him mad he hit her a thump and she started crying and he turned to me and apologised for her behaviour!



.........best laugh I had all day!


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## Teabag (4 Nov 2008)

MrMan said:


> When I was younger I was sitting on a plane next to a (very drunk) couple who were knocking back drink at a great rate and when she got a bit loud and said something to him that obviously mad him mad he hit her a thump and she started crying and he turned to me and apologised for her behaviour!



Good show. Mr Slappy seems the proper gentleman !


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