# Should husband become a stay at home Dad?



## squinn21 (17 Oct 2011)

I earn 60k gross with potential for up to another 20k in travel and cash, would realistically get a minimum of 10. Hubby earns only 40k now as a result of huge salary cuts which are unlikely to be reversed. Iam due back from maternity leave in January. We will then have 3 in full time childcare costing a minimum of 400 per week. I am wondering if i had all the tax credits allowances etc would it be more realistic for my husband to stay home? His take home now is 650 per week but only because he still has bik of tax free allowance which we transfered when i was on my 1st maternity leave. Eldest will not start school until 2013 and even that will not change cc fees much as afterschool care is almost as expensive. Any thoughts/suggestions appreciated


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## Sue Ellen (17 Oct 2011)

Hi,

Welcome to AAM.

I think it would be best if you were to use the  template provided for this forum and add your figures as it will give people a better handle on same.

The top 10 suggestions may be slightly dated but may still be relevant.

You may also find www.taxcalc.eu to check out tax situation although the budget will affect things between now and January.


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## PaddyBloggit (17 Oct 2011)

It wouls also be helpful if you didn't use an abbreviation in your title .... sahd?

I was asking myslef what had the hubby got to be sad about!


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## onq (17 Oct 2011)

He'll have plenty to be sad about looking after three young kids from home!

Seriously, unless your husband has worked from home, there will be a huge dislocation for him - never mind the loss in earnings - but there are several options

Option #1 - teleworking

I strongly recommend that he looks at the options of teleworking for several days during the week to ease into this as it can be daunting for some people to do.

Option #2 - total househusband

Do NOT let him wade into this without at least doing some kind of course on home economics, particularly buying and cooking.

Men (I am one) can go way OTT buying mad foods or "treats" to compensate for their change in status, supposedly for the whole family, but actually for themselves.

Money flies out the door on shopping day, when in fact careful shopping can mean that a family of four can eat nutritiously for under €100 a week - I speak from my wife's ability with this, not mine 

Option #3 Childminding service

The charges seem excessive - are there no cheaper alternatives? I'm not begrudging - it seems incredibly expensive.


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## f9710145 (17 Oct 2011)

Our experience of this - We debated this for a while with respect to me becoming a sahm (stay at home mammy).  In the end the decision was made when the company I worked for went bust last year.  We had 2 kids and full time creche was €1675.  My hubby had bulk of the credits/band so I took home around €2400, so we were down about €700.  However when I looked at travel and other work associated expenses it was probably around €500 of a loss (probably less now with extra levies and USC).  Having considered all our options and the fact that there were no suitable jobs to be had, we've decided that for now I'll stay put at home.  Our third is also on the way and to go back now with the same salary, I'd be handing my paycheque straight over to the creche.  So considering the extra expenses already mentioned we'd be out of pocket and all just so I could endure the stress of juggling home and work and knowing that we'd see the kids for 2 hours a day absolute max.  I do miss work like crazy sometimes but for now it's the best option for our family (kids, eldest (5yo) especially, are sooo much happier now too so I'm guilted into staying home).

Good luck with whatever you decide.


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## Bronte (18 Oct 2011)

squinn21 said:


> . Eldest will not start school until 2013 and even that will not change cc fees much as afterschool care is almost as expensive. Any thoughts/suggestions appreciated


 
There is more to this decision than money.  Staying at home with 3 young kids is not an easy thing to do.  It's a very big commitment.  

Relations of mine in Ireland have told me this year that the afterschool costs have come down massively.  Not sure how widespread this is, but in a couple of years when all the kids are at school you could look into getting an au pair, or another mother who would be willing to do the after school hours for a reasonable amount.  It doesn't have to be a creche.  

Right now the costs are very high, but this will ease.  Considering the times we are in giving up a job doesn't seem to be a wise choice.


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## InfoSeeker (18 Oct 2011)

Also what about the long term impact of becoming a stay at home dad. What I mean by this is if you have decided that you are not going to have any more kids then in 5/10/15 years the need for a stay at home dad will reduce but his ability to obtain employment in his current profession will become more difficult.

Would there be any option to reduce his working week to 3 days / 5 half days / etc as most employers who have had to cut wages might be open to this suggestion to reduce costs. Our creche offer different rates for 2/3/4 days or a full week.

So you might be able to reduce your creche costs, keep hubby in employment & even though the maths may mean that the gain per working day is not great for your hubby, he will have the option to stay in his profession and if he wants to in the future as the children move to secondary school and beyond go back working full time rather than the alternative of perhaps having no job to go back to in 10/15 years?

Personally with only 2 young kids, I would consider minding 3 kids a lot more difficulty and stressful than any job I have had to date!!!!


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## Firefly (18 Oct 2011)

I think ONQ's post makes a lot of sense. Not wanting to come across as chauvinistic, but I know Mrs Firefly does a better job at home than I could ever do. Not saying it's not possible for men to stay at home and I'm sure there are champion dads out there, but I know it would drive me crazy! Perhaps get your husband to mind the kids for a few successive weekends and see how it goes. The odd day here and there is fine, but it's the stuff like deep cleaning the house, making different dinners every night, doing the laundry etc the will get to you. Jees, I think a bunch of flowers for herself is called for this evening!!!


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## DB74 (18 Oct 2011)

onq said:


> Men (I am one) can go way OTT buying mad foods or "treats" to compensate for their change in status, supposedly for the whole family, but actually for themselves.



What do you mean? My kids love cider!


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## squinn21 (18 Oct 2011)

Thanks for all the replies, a lot of food for thought. Just to clarify, i realise now it wasn't that clear from original post. I was trying to figure out what my take home would be if i had all the tax credits allowances etc as I think it might be early as much as we are left with now on the 2 salaries after paying the creche.
Very good point though about hubby's ability to re-enter the workforce in the future if being at home  isn't for him. Money is definitely only 1 consideration. Another huge factor is that he is very unhappy in his current job with little else out there in his industry


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## Purple (19 Oct 2011)

I see no reason why your husband couldn’t or shouldn’t stay at home.
Despite some sexist posts to the contrary there’s no reason why a man can’t do the shopping and look after the children.
Both Mrs Purple and I work but if one of us was going to stay at home and mind the kids etc it would definitely be me. The fact that she earns more than me is only part of the reason; we both agree that I’d be more suited to the role. I do the shopping and all of the cooking as it is so that wouldn’t be a big change for me. We’ve also realised, and this is a major factor, that she’d go nuts if she wasn’t working. Then there’s the fact that she likes her job more than I like mine. There’s lots of reasons.

You can both set your budget, do shopping lists etc. 
I would be careful about his ego in all of this; suddenly being reliant on another person for your income would be hard. If you don’t have a joint account and aren’t of a mindset that it’s household income not “my” income it could all end in tears.


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## annR (23 Oct 2011)

Purple
The "sexist" posts were made by men as far as I can see.


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## Purple (23 Oct 2011)

annR said:


> Purple
> The "sexist" posts were made by men as far as I can see.



Yep, they were.


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## Firefly (24 Oct 2011)

Purple said:


> Yep, they were.



Morning,
If my post was sexist/offensive let me know where and I'll gladly edit/remove. I was just to to convey in our situation Mrs Firefly is a lot better at minding the kids that I am. I had to dress our 2 yesterday morning while trying the watch the rugby and apparently they didn't look to well


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## Purple (24 Oct 2011)

Firefly said:


> Morning,
> If my post was sexist/offensive let me know where and I'll gladly edit/remove. I was just to to convey in our situation Mrs Firefly is a lot better at minding the kids that I am. I had to dress our 2 yesterday morning while trying the watch the rugby and apparently they didn't look to well



Nonsense, you’ve to learn to multitask. That’s when women do two things badly at the same time.

On a serious note I’m not a big fan of gender stereotyping and while sexist comments about women are rightly highlighted it seems acceptable to make them about men.


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## Firefly (24 Oct 2011)

Purple said:


> Nonsense, you’ve to learn to multitask.



But it was the RWC 



Purple said:


> On a serious note I’m not a big fan of gender stereotyping and while sexist comments about women are rightly highlighted it seems acceptable to make them about men.



That bugs me too.


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## Bronte (24 Oct 2011)

Firefly said:


> Morning,
> If my post was sexist/offensive let me know where and I'll gladly edit/remove. I was just to to convey in our situation Mrs Firefly is a lot better at minding the kids that I am. I had to dress our 2 yesterday morning while trying the watch the rugby and apparently they didn't look to well


 

Well you've my vote when you said you'd get the flowers for Mrs. Firefly.  

Mr. Bronte can not put salt in the dishwasher, the current one we've had for 5 years.  Neither can he put clothes in the washing machine.  He has not come up with any excuse though to not empty either machine.  He likes my cooking  and as far as we can tell it's one of the main reasons we are still married.  Men are very basic.  He got to see the rugby in bed, but was most put out about the soccer which I on purpose timed to go with late Sunday lunch.  He actually thinks I time these things.    Another reason we get on so well as that he cannot understand why I like AAM.  

Purple most men can not multitask.  You are obviously not a real man.


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## Bronte (24 Oct 2011)

Firefly said:


> But it was the RWC
> 
> .


 
What is RWC?


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## ClubMan (24 Oct 2011)

Bronte said:


> What is RWC?


_Rugby World Cup_.


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## Bronte (24 Oct 2011)

Oh dear G.. my OH will despair of me.  Of course why didn't I know what RWC was.  I've heard enough about it for the last few weeks and very early mornings at weekends and know nearly all the results.


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## Purple (24 Oct 2011)

Bronte said:


> Purple most men can not multitask.  You are obviously not a real man.



You have my number. On the up-side my legs look fantastic in heels. 
Actually I can't do it either but neither but then again neither can women, they just say they can. They end up half-doing a few things instead of doing them one at a time. 
Your husband obviously has you well trained, something I failed miserably to do when I got married and I’ve had to live with the consequences ever since


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## Purple (24 Oct 2011)

Is this thread now off-topic?


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## Yachtie (25 Oct 2011)

InfoSeeker said:


> Also what about the long term impact of becoming a stay at home dad. What I mean by this is if you have decided that you are not going to have any more kids then in 5/10/15 years the need for a stay at home dad will reduce but his ability to obtain employment in his current profession will become more difficult.
> 
> Would there be any option to reduce his working week to 3 days / 5 half days / etc as most employers who have had to cut wages might be open to this suggestion to reduce costs. Our creche offer different rates for 2/3/4 days or a full week.
> 
> ...


 
This is exactly what I was thinking. I agree that there are many things that come into consideration but walking out of a job and staying at home with the kids is not something I personally would do. It would be just too difficult to adjust. There is a stay at home dad accross the road from us. They have 3 children, the older two are in school and the youngest just turned two. He was telling me only the other day that he is un-employable now after having stayed at home for a few years to mind the kids. 

The other thing you may want to keep in mind is his wife who told me that she spends a fortune on toys and stuff for kids in order to compensate for her being at work while daddy is there for the kids all the time. The guilt may eat another chunk of your take home pay. 




Purple said:


> I do the shopping and all of the cooking as it is so that wouldn’t be a big change for me.


 
If Mrs. Purple ever decides to divorce you, will you marry me? I would love a husband who can cook and shop! Mr. Yachtie insists that he doesn't know how to switch on any of the household appliances and he can't find the entrance to our local tesco. If it wasn't for me, he'd eat nothing but chinese takeaways and garage sandwiches.


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## BoscoTalking (26 Oct 2011)

i have the luxury of a stay at home dad and this came about due to one of our children being diagnosed with an illness needing a lot of care that we felt would be better minded by one of ourselves. 
We have a net income of about 50k, a walloping mortgage and we are getting on ok. so far. so on a financial point with no more info you should be ok.

most of the surmising, sexist and all has been spot on - learning shopping treats = higher bill and hyper kids for example but being a "mammy" can be learned, just as learning to let the SAHD make decisions that would have been traditionally made by the mother. 

My other half does take a lot of time off outside the home in the evening, he plays soccer etc. he needs it. but how will you feel, this is equally important to understand before you make the decision.


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## Purple (27 Oct 2011)

Yachtie said:


> If Mrs. Purple ever decides to divorce you, will you marry me? I would love a husband who can cook and shop!



No problem! ...and who says I won't decide to divorce her?


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## Firefly (27 Oct 2011)

This is a very intersting thread and could make for a nice documentary.....


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## ClubMan (27 Oct 2011)

Yachtie said:


> If Mrs. Purple ever decides to divorce you, will you marry me? I would love a husband who can cook and shop! Mr. Yachtie insists that he doesn't know how to switch on any of the household appliances and he can't find the entrance to our local tesco. If it wasn't for me, he'd eat nothing but chinese takeaways and garage sandwiches.


Why did you marry him?


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## Purple (27 Oct 2011)

ClubMan said:


> Why did you marry him?



We're not married yet!


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## sadie (28 Oct 2011)

This is not an economics questions really, it's a lifestyle question. 
It really depends on the personality of the guy involved. 
Is is someone who defines himself by his work. If so, they may find being out of work very difficult. 
There's no doubt that the kids would benefit from having a full time parent at home. But at the same time, employing a childminder to come in would work fine too. 
If your other half decides to become a full time Dad, this should be part of a long term strategy and fit into his overall plan of the sort of person he wants to be - not a quick fix to get out of a job he hates. 
Because he could end up being miserable, cranky, depressed and cross with the kids. Mums usually have hands-on mothering as part of their long term plan, and it may fit very well into the picture they have of themselves. Dads more usually have a picture of themselves doing very well at work and 'succeeding' and earning lots money to support their family. 
So maybe your other half could be a stay at home Dad but enrol in a course or some home study that he's really interested in at the same time, to ensure his self-development needs as a person are being met to balance things out.


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## Diziet (28 Oct 2011)

Yachtie said:


> T He was telling me only the other day that he is un-employable now after having stayed at home for a few years to mind the kids.
> 
> The other thing you may want to keep in mind is his wife who told me that she spends a fortune on toys and stuff for kids in order to compensate for her being at work while daddy is there for the kids all the time. The guilt may eat another chunk of your take home pay.



Staying at home for a few years does have an impact of one's career, but generally far more fuss is made is the stay at home parent is male - funny that.

For the record, I am female, I work full time, on a good salary, and hubby minds the kids. I have absolutely no guilt and I would not dream of spending money on toys to compensate. Why on earth feel guilty? It is a great arrangement. I have better earning potential, and he is an excellent parent. I love my kids, but I would not willingly stay at home to look after them full time.


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