# Friend asked for money - polite way to say no



## Bronte (28 Sep 2007)

My other half has been asked for 500 Euro by friend A to help friend B.  A is also giving 500 as is apparently somebody else (it's a very convoluted story).  What is a polite way of saying no?  We actually have no problem giving the 500 to the level of not wanting it back.  But I have a problem of giving it to A (the money will definitely go to B) as I don't trust his ulterior motive (could be wrong) and I feel my other half would feel like he was being mean/tight - macho thing to friend A if he doens't stump up.  Money cannot be given directly to B (can't deal with money).


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## Caveat (28 Sep 2007)

Bronte said:


> My other half has been asked for 500 Euro by friend A to help friend B. A is also giving 500 as is apparently somebody else (it's a very convoluted story). What is a polite way of saying no? We actually have no problem giving the 500 to the level of not wanting it back. But I have a problem of giving it to A (the money will definitely go to B) as I don't trust his ulterior motive (could be wrong) and I feel my other half would feel like he was being mean/tight - macho thing to friend A if he doens't stump up. Money cannot be given directly to B (can't deal with money).


 
Depends on whether B is really a friend or not - doesn't sound like it to me. Obviously I don't know the minutiae but on what you have presented I'd just say "Sorry - don't want my money going to B".

I suspect you'll say it's not that simple but for me it would be - life is too short to accommodate or even associate with people you cannot trust.


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## bacchus (28 Sep 2007)

No, thanks.
Keep it simple and no need to justify anything.


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## Brendan Burgess (28 Sep 2007)

Hold on.

B seems to need this money pretty badly. A has arranged a digout from three friends who together can come up with the €1500. 

Forget about ulterior motives and what people think. Give the money to A for B. 

If your partner does want to say no, then he should  say "I would love to but my partner won't allow me. ".

Brendan


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## Caveat (28 Sep 2007)

Unless you are renowned for lending/borrowing money you could always just say that you make it a policy not to lend money?


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## anseo (28 Sep 2007)

Bronte said:


> Money cannot be given directly to B (can't deal with money).



So, if B defaults on repayment, who will pay you back? 

Why would you want to be dealing with people who, as you say, "can't deal with money". If they can't deal with their money,they're not going to be any better with yours!


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## mf1 (28 Sep 2007)

I generally find a "No" however said is still a "No". 

People can end up in all kind of convoluted, tied up, messes and all because  instead of saying no, they fudge it, walk around it, cough, splutter, hem and haw. If you want to  do it, do it  and if you don't, don't. As bacchus says, no excuses.

mf


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## Purple (28 Sep 2007)

I have given money to friends. Sometimes they pay it back, sometimes they don't but I have never asked for it. It's about what value you put on your friendship with A and B.
If you do give it write it off and consider it a bonus if you see any of it again.


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## Bronte (28 Sep 2007)

Great food for thought everyone thanks, will print out and give to partner maybe !!

Mf1 - you have put it very succinctly for me (a straight no if it was me).  That's why if we/he do(es) give it , it's a gift, not a loan.  We don't want to get dragged into this which is a huge mess already.  My reason for dithering is that I suspect A's ulterior motive is that B has a link to great wealth, but my problem is I cannot be sure of this motive (I'm sceptical by nature especially in relation to money).  I was also thinking that I would NEVER ask anyone else to give money.  

Now wonder if hubby will think I'm mad for posting this on here - maybe I'll wait till he has a few beers later,  I've already told him to do whatever he thinks is best and not to be influenced by me.


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## Fanny (29 Sep 2007)

Hey Bronte,

a link to great wealth? B is not good with money? 
Sounds familiar. We once gave a little money to someone who turned out to be a gambler.
Just make sure it's not about gambling. 
That would be an awful waste. I would make the decision on HOW they want to help B. Money alone does not help, especially not someone who has a problem with it. In the opposite, it makes things worse. So what kind of service does A want to provide with the borrowed money? 
B seems to need this money pretty badly? For what- pay off debts, to feed him, to buy necessities? or to "invest"/gamble?

I would base the decision on how the money is used, but if the money is running through his/her fingers, it's stupid to give him/her any. I suppose that A has a plan of how to use the money. Do you think it is a good one? 

Fanny


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## miselemeas (29 Sep 2007)

"We actually have no problem giving the 500 to the level of not wanting it back."
-------------------------------------​
It probably wasn't too easy for your friend to approach you in the first place for a loan.

If a good friend asked me for a loan, I wouldn't question what the purpose of it was.  If what you say is true ie  _"We actually have no problem giving the 500 to the level of not wanting it back" _just give it graciously and leave the rest to your friend.


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## Marie (30 Sep 2007)

Purple said:


> I have given money to friends. Sometimes they pay it back, sometimes they don't but I have never asked for it. It's about what value you put on your friendship with A and B.
> If you do give it write it off and consider it a bonus if you see any of it again.


 
Having myself given and received money in hard times the operative term is 'friends'.  These situations were 'no-strings-attached' which included 'no moral judgements', a condition which wouldn't exist in a friendship anyway.

Sounds as if the person who asked you would if possible give the full loan to the friend-in-need but can't so is activating the broader friendship network to bail out the needy one...........without moral judgement.

If you can't immediately respond without wanting to control the receiver, the money or both, then say no as that's not giving.  Politeness doesn't come into this.


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## Palantir_Use (1 Oct 2007)

Marie said:


> If you can't immediately respond without wanting to control the receiver, the money or both, then say no as that's not giving.  Politeness doesn't come into this.



Sometimes is DOES matter why someone wants the money ...

When person Y asks me for money, I always check if they want it for person Z, mainly because the last two times I gave (large sums of) money to Person Y, it was used to enable Person Z to leave the country because they were trying to dodge a Warrant, or to directly repay a drug dealer.

Does that make me a bad friend? Or does it simply make me someone trying to avoid the attention of the local Garda ???


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## csirl (1 Oct 2007)

I'd a friend who had a drink problem and was always looking for loans of various members of our mutual circle of friends - said he had no money for food, household bills etc. We collectively decided not to loan this friend money anymore as on a couple of occasions, after saying he needed money for food, he was spotted coming out of the supermarket with bags of booze rather than bags of food. Lending him money was contributing to his problem rather than helping it. Funny enough, like the OPs friend, this fellow was from a wealthy background, but hadnt a clue how to manage his financial affairs (aside from the alcohol addiction).


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## Yachtie (1 Oct 2007)

I have stopped lending money to people a long time ago. If I was short, i go to the bank. I am assuming that B can't go to the bank because 'he is not good with money'. 

I agree with csirl. If somebody can not manage their finances you're not really helping by just giving it to them. They may need a wake up call and learn what most of us already know - money DOES NOT grow on trees.


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## jazzhead (2 Oct 2007)

it really depends on what the money is for, but if you're looking for a polite way to say no a simple "sorry but no" will suffice


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## Carolina (2 Oct 2007)

I was in a situation like this years ago where someone needed some money and I was asked to join a group of contributors. I'm glad I did it because I think it brings good karma. I know it's unrelated, but a few years later I got a job chairing a semi-state board - something I never dreamed I could do. It's always an honour and a pleasure to help out a friend in need. Actually, who is your friend, B? I might know him.


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## susie1 (2 Oct 2007)

sounds like you have an issue with friend B as if it was someone genuinely in need, i am sure you would not have a problem helping them out.

just say no i can't do it and don't justify your reasoning for it, after all it is your money and you can do with it as you wish, you have worked hard for it.


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## annR (2 Oct 2007)

I think you should distinguish between a friend in need and a friend who can't manage money because there is some problem.  

If you loan money to the latter you are contributing to the problem.


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## truthseeker (2 Oct 2007)

well said annR - you will only enable B to make a bigger mess of things by offering him funds with which to do so.


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## emaol (3 Oct 2007)

I'm unsure as to whether A & B are friends of the OP or friends of their OH. 
Should that make a difference?


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## xavier (3 Oct 2007)

Carolina said:


> I was in a situation like this years ago where someone needed some money and I was asked to join a group of contributors. I'm glad I did it because I think it brings good karma. I know it's unrelated, but a few years later I got a job chairing a semi-state board - something I never dreamed I could do. It's always an honour and a pleasure to help out a friend in need. Actually, who is your friend, B? I might know him.


 

Perhaps it is a sign of the times, but I was thinking similar thoughts.

On the main topic - never a lender or borrower be. A few twenties here or there on a night out is one thing but clubbing together to "bail" out an acquaintence is not something I would willingly subscribe to. Perhaps I'm not a good friend ... but then my circle of friends is such that we don't put each other in those types of situations.


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## xb_deai (3 Oct 2007)

Lord if B is in a bad way for money and you cannot give it directly why not go through A as long as A will hand it over what difference does it make about the great wealth in the future. If you know the money is not for betting, drinking, drugs, fleeing the country or to fund an alien invasion give it! For B to admit to A that he/she needs money things must be bad. If you gave it to a charity you would not know the people involved you have a chance here to help a person with whom you and your husband have a personal connection.

Lets hope the economic bubble never bursts and we have to rely on "friends" with cap in hand.


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