# "House Private" for a funeral. For and against the practice?



## STEINER (13 May 2012)

All of my immediate family still live.  When grandparents, uncles and aunts passed away, none of the houses were private, but then most were waked at home anyway (Dublin and rural)

Just interested to hear from people whose families/friends had House Private for a funeral and whether they thought it was a good thing to do, ie. the benefits of doing so.


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## One (14 May 2012)

We had a house private for a funeral. In hindsight I thought it was a bad thing for us. Having people around at that difficult time provides therapy through distraction. But everyone is different.


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## Delboy (14 May 2012)

If people can't call to the house, they'll try to meet you at the church...that can be a bit overwhelming, the sheer numbers coming at you at the 1 time. Some may even try to meet you on the way into the church, that way they can leave and not have to hang around!


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## Leper (16 May 2012)

Funerals in Ireland have become something of a problem and in some instances like many weddings they have got out of hand. It has become almost incumbent on the family of the deceased to invite people back to the hotel for a meal after the burial. The removal is the same with 'light refreshments' at some nearby hostlery. 

While the family would like to have people they are friendly with come back to these places there is the jump-on-the-bandwagon freewheelers who barely know the deceased or the family suddenly land themselves back in the hotel relishing the prospect of a hotel prepared meal. The grieving family are now faced with "Where-did-they-all-come-from?" syndrome and how are we going to pay for all this? And, being Ireland, they can't say a word.

I am a supporter of 'house private' and think the remark should not have to appear on a newspaper death notice and that only people close to the deceased and the family should attend at the house. There is plenty of scope for contact at the funeral home, church and cemetery.


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## Black Sheep (17 May 2012)

At a family funeral recently over 500 people called to the house/wake over the two days. All were given light refreshments.
As this was rural area in the West of Ireland a house private notice would not mean anything. That is simply the custom/tradition there


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## Marion (17 May 2012)

The house private aspect can be controlled.

The house can be restricted after a certain hour.

This would be covered by saying, for example: Reposing at home between say 
4 and 8. House private thereafter.

This would allow friends, family, acquaintances, TDs/Ministers  habitual funeral attendees)) and others to attend. Of course it would be good practice to allow flexibility in relation to the time. Some people are delayed. Others will travel a long distance.  

This time specification will allow the family to get some well needed rest. (We are a business/farming family and a large family and live in a rural area and the 4 hours of non-stop hand shaking was exhausting, but we were very appreciative of those who came to say their goodbyes to my late mum.) We provided catering at home on the evening. We provided lunch for family, close friends and extended family in a hotel following burial the following day.

I would't have changed anything. Mind you it was all precision planned by the deceased who had a final week to submit her instructions to the family.

For myself: well things will be very different. But I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon.

Marion


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## Sue Ellen (18 May 2012)

I would prefer to have a funeral totally private to family and make any announcement after the burial.

One thing that I cannot abide these days is the habit of queueing up in the church to offer sympathy.  Friends have told me after funerals that they cannot remember a lot of the people that they shook hands with.  I was pleased to hear a priest announce at a funeral a while back that the family did not want this to happen as they were extremely tired.  They said they would see people over time.  It was someone who died young and suddenly of a heart attack and it came as a dreadful shock to his wife and children.


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## One (18 May 2012)

Sue Ellen said:


> I would prefer to have a funeral totally private to family and make any announcement after the burial.
> 
> One thing that I cannot abide these days is the habit of queueing up in the church to offer sympathy.


 
For years and years I would have agreed with this. I thought at times it could be a bit isincere. But when we had a family funeral I was glad to see so many in the queue. I was glad to shake hands with each and every one of them. It helped me greatly at the time. It is hard to know what the best thing is.


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## Firefly (18 May 2012)

One said:


> For years and years I would have agreed with this. I thought at times it could be a bit isincere. But when we had a family funeral I was glad to see so many in the queue. I was glad to shake hands with each and every one of them. It helped me greatly at the time. It is hard to know what the best thing is.


 
Sadly, we have had a family member pass in the very recent past. I would echo the comments above...it was so nice to see so many family & friends pay their respects and it helped us enormously. We kept the proceedings house private as the family member was sick for some time and those close were able to call to the house in the weeks beforehand. It was the correct decision as it gave us time to be by ourselves, get ourselves organised and also to be there for one another in this terribly difficult time. On a practical level, it also meant that we didn't have to arrange food/drink and clean up afterwards...we had drinks following the removal in a hotel and hot food and drinks in another hotel after the funeral itself. Probably cost more money, but worth it IMO.


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## AgathaC (18 May 2012)

One said:


> But when we had a family funeral I was glad to see so many...I was glad to shake hands with each and every one of them. It helped me greatly at the time.


+1. In my own experience, I deeply appreciated each and every person who came to sympathise, on the death of a close family member. 'House private' wouldn't really be the usual in my part of the country. However, in my view, it is very much a decision for the family, what is right for them, and what they can cope with.


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## ajapale (18 May 2012)

Moved from  Shooting the Breeze to Miscellaneous Non-financial Questions which would be a more appropriate forum for discussing this topic.

aj
moderator


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## Complainer (19 May 2012)

Sue Ellen said:


> One thing that I cannot abide these days is the habit of queueing up in the church to offer sympathy.  Friends have told me after funerals that they cannot remember a lot of the people that they shook hands with.  I was pleased to hear a priest announce at a funeral a while back that the family did not want this to happen as they were extremely tired.  They said they would see people over time.  It was someone who died young and suddenly of a heart attack and it came as a dreadful shock to his wife and children.


When our mother of six siblings died, we knew that many of those attending the funeral would be friends to one of the six, but had no contact with the other five. We really wouldn't want them having to 'run the gauntlet' of five others that they didn't know. We asked the priest to say that we'd meet people outside rather than queueing at the front. Many people told me they were greatly relieved.


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## Thirsty (20 May 2012)

> jump-on-the-bandwagon freewheelers who barely know the deceased or the family suddenly land themselves back in the hotel relishing the prospect of a hotel prepared meal


Perhaps it depends on where and how you were reared, but I have *never *seen this happen and have (sadly!) several decades of funeral attendances under my belt.


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## Leper (21 May 2012)

Where there is a free meal there are free-loaders.  The family of the deceased cannot do much to alleviate this happening bearing in mind the sad situation they are in.  I regret to say that this is an ever increasing situation with some funeral attendees believing that they are entitled to just show up for free drinks and a free meal eventhough they are quite distant from the grieving family.


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## liaconn (21 May 2012)

When my father died recently we had tons of callers to the house. It was a huge comfort to my mother and got us through the first couple of difficult weeks. Yes, at times we were exhausted and then the doorbell would go again but overall I wouldn't have done it differently.

I would say though that if you are calling to a house shortly after a bereavement, half an hour or so is long enough to stay. You need to remember that you are probably just one of a stream of visitors and sitting on the sofa for half the afternoon is just too long (unless, obviously, you are very close friends or family).


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