# Best put-downs



## LDFerguson (26 Jun 2008)

Heard a phone-in on the radio about this the other morning.

A couple that I can remember...

Winston Churchill:
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed."

Anon:
"I used to have a pair of shoes like that...but then my father got a job."

Any takers?


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## DavyJones (26 Jun 2008)

You look like two ton of crap in a one ton bag.


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## Pique318 (26 Jun 2008)

Yo' mamma so fat .... etc etc etc


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## Betsy Og (26 Jun 2008)

Theres no beginning to your talents.    (usually its "no end to"). 

From Have I got news for you, or one of those.


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## S.L.F (26 Jun 2008)

If brains were dirty you'd be clean.........

Or one of Groucho's.
I don't normally forget a face but I think I'll make an exception in your case.


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## Blossy (26 Jun 2008)

Completely ignoring a person and asking those around u (except the person u ignoring)
''do u hear someone talking??''

Such a kids one but a horrible and mean 'put down' all the same!


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## sam h (26 Jun 2008)

you'd get change if you gave your two cent worth

Ignorance can be cured, stupid is forever

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people


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## truthseeker (26 Jun 2008)

Im sorry, I wasnt listening to you.


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## DeeFox (26 Jun 2008)

I'm drunk and you're ugly but I'll be sober in the morning.


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## Caveat (26 Jun 2008)

DeeFox said:


> I'm drunk and you're ugly but I'll be sober in the morning.


 

 Just going to post that!

I believe_ WC Fields_ said it when being chastised by an uptight lady at a society gathering.

For sheer nastiness, the Johnny character in Mike Leigh's _Naked, _peering at a none too bright street urchin, heat tilted:

"What's it like being you?"


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## DavyJones (26 Jun 2008)

DeeFox said:


> I'm drunk and you're ugly but I'll be sober in the morning.


 
I always though W Churchill said it.


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## ney001 (26 Jun 2008)

You're so ugly the tide wouldn't bring you out!


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## LDFerguson (26 Jun 2008)

Caveat said:


> Just going to post that!
> 
> I believe_ WC Fields_ said it when being chastised by an uptight lady at a society gathering.


 
I've heard this one attributed to various people, most commonly Winston Churchill.  Various reports of it have him talking to Lady Astor or Elizabeth Braddock.  I've also heard it attributed to WC Fields and even Ernest Hemmingway.  Who knows?


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## my2leftfeet (26 Jun 2008)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *DeeFox* http://www.askaboutmoney.com/showthread.php?p=656449#post656449 
_I'm drunk and you're ugly but I'll be sober in the morning._

Yes I believe it was Churchill ... it's one of my all time favourites.

Also like this Churchill one:
Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”


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## Caveat (26 Jun 2008)

A quick google seems to favour attributing the drunk/ugly one to churchill alright.


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## cole (26 Jun 2008)

Another Groucho Marx: I didn't come here to be insulted. Why where do you normally go.

I've seen better legs hanging from a nest.


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## ney001 (26 Jun 2008)

For the men:   I've seen bigger things crawling out of cabbages!


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## ailbhe (26 Jun 2008)

From David Walliams
"it's your lucky night. I've decided to go ugly early"


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## S.L.F (26 Jun 2008)

One of the worst I ever heard was said to a girl with acne

"Hi pizza face".
..........................................................

Or go up to a plain girl and ask her if any one has ever called her beautiful.
When she says 'no'.
You say 'I'm not surprised'

If she says, 'yes'.
You tell her 'You were lied to'.


Terrible


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## Armada (26 Jun 2008)

Or..

"You look like a million dollars...................







All green and wrinkled.."


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## S.L.F (26 Jun 2008)

Or

Do you know what would look good on you?

A rottweiler

Or

You remind me of something small and furry

Yeah an old sandwich

Or

I'm a man of simple tastes

And boy are you simple!


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## Bluebells (27 Jun 2008)

When James Dillon was Minister for Agriculture, some in the farming community felt he knew very little about farming. 

He was heckled one night by one of those farmers who asked him,
" How many toes has a pig ?" 

Barely pausing in his speech, he replied" Look down at your feet, and count "


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## redstar (27 Jun 2008)

"... he's got a face only a mother could love .."


"She's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp !!"   <courtesy of 'Only Fools and Horses'>


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## Complainer (27 Jun 2008)

redstar said:


> "She's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp !!"


The Irish equivalent is;

face like a bulldog licking pi$$ off a nettle.


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## DavyJones (27 Jun 2008)

When you were born, you were so ugly, the doctor slapped your mother.


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## MandaC (27 Jun 2008)

You should learn from your parents mistakes....use birth control.

I like your red shirt, it matches your eyes.


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## dodo (27 Jun 2008)

You wouldn't  get a jump of a trampoline...
You have a face like a bag of chisels...
If I had a box full of xxxxxxx I wouldn't give you one...
I now know why alcohol was invented...


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## S.L.F (27 Jun 2008)

Could have sworn you had a handle on your back since you've been picked up so many times.


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## clonboy (28 Jun 2008)

that fella is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot


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## Sue Ellen (28 Jun 2008)

You're no ordinary fool.


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## ninsaga (28 Jun 2008)

If my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass & teach it to walk backwards


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## LDFerguson (30 Jun 2008)

That fella thinks he's a wit...he's half-right.


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## Seagull (30 Jun 2008)

About the nastiest I've ever heard

Nobody loves you, not even your parents. I mean you don't even have a birth cert, just an apology from the abortion clinic.


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## Purple (30 Jun 2008)

Groucho Marx when leaving a party one night:

“I’ve has a wonderful evening… but this wasn’t it.”


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## csirl (30 Jun 2008)

When you were born, they threw away the baby and kept the afterbirth.


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## Jock04 (30 Jun 2008)

You have delusions of adequacy


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## Yoltan (1 Jul 2008)

Seagull said:


> About the nastiest I've ever heard
> 
> Nobody loves you, not even your parents. I mean you don't even have a birth cert, just an apology from the abortion clinic.


 

 We have a winner!!!


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## Margie (1 Jul 2008)

Am I the only one who finds those last posts by seagull and csirl very offensive and not really appropriate comments on this website.

The best way to 'put-down' someone is to ignore them.

Since when did AAM become a site to find the best way to offend someone?  Boggles the mind.


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## NicolaM (1 Jul 2008)

I agree, those jokes are pretty bad taste.
But the thread itself is absolutely hilarious!
Nice one Liam!
Nicola


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## Purple (1 Jul 2008)

Jock04 said:


> You have delusions of adequacy



I like that one


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## ninsaga (1 Jul 2008)

Ok.... keeping with Groucho Marx then....

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.


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## Caveat (1 Jul 2008)

Is that your head or did your neck throw up?


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## Firefly (1 Jul 2008)

To someone of short stature...

I hope when you go home Snow White beats the sh*t out of you!


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## csirl (1 Jul 2008)

You're a very balanced person - you have a chip on each shoulder.


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## Yoltan (1 Jul 2008)

Margie said:


> Am I the only one who finds those last posts by seagull and csirl very offensive and not really appropriate comments on this website.
> 
> The best way to 'put-down' someone is to ignore them.
> 
> Since when did AAM become a site to find the best way to offend someone? Boggles the mind.


 

In fairness if you're easily offended then maybe looking at a thread entitled "best put-downs" isn't such a good idea. Chances are pretty high that you'll read something you don't like. Even if some of them are a bit extreme I think they're meant as a joke.


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## PM1234 (1 Jul 2008)

Margie said:


> The best way to 'put-down' someone is to ignore them.



This is utter rudeness in my opinion.  The 'best' thing to do surely is discuss the problem like an adult.

However this thread is not about what people would actually say out loud to somebody. But many of the posts are making me laugh out loud


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## sandymount (1 Jul 2008)

Billy Connolly to heckler

"I don't come to where you work and tell you how to sweep up"


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## Margie (2 Jul 2008)

PM1234 said:


> discuss the problem like an adult.


 
How, by using some of the suggestions mentioned.  hmmm

i'd rather ignore someone than pass some of the comments mentioned.  While the first few were quite funny, they went downhill after that.  But if we're talking about thinking these things and not saying them fair enough.


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## Caveat (2 Jul 2008)

sandymount said:


> Billy Connolly to heckler
> 
> "I don't come to where you work and tell you how to sweep up"


 

Not a put down as such, but I love the one where Billy is observed by a passer by, in some discomfort, lying on his back on a pavement:

"Oh, did you fall?"

"No, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket!  "


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## Seagull (3 Jul 2008)

Margie said:


> Am I the only one who finds those last posts by seagull and csirl very offensive and not really appropriate comments on this website.
> 
> The best way to 'put-down' someone is to ignore them.
> 
> Since when did AAM become a site to find the best way to offend someone? Boggles the mind.


 
I did say it was the nastiest I'd ever heard, and it's also not one I would ever use myself. The thread title is not the most amusing put-down, it's the best, and that particular one worked very effectively when I saw it used.


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## Complainer (3 Jul 2008)

I noticed a nice put-down from Elizabeth Mitchell playing the ice-cold school principal to Tim Allen as the smartass Santa Clause character in The Santa Clause 2 today (don't ask!);

"Ah, a battle of wits, and you've come unarmed"


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## GeneralZod (3 Jul 2008)

As per post #1 in this thread Winston Churchill has precedence on her


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## F. Kruger (3 Jul 2008)

You have a great welcome for yourself


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## PMU (4 Jul 2008)

I don't want to get banned for this but: 





sandymount said:


> Billy Connolly to heckler
> 
> "I don't come to where you work and tell you how to sweep up"



Jimmy Carr to heckler: "I don't come to your place of work and take sailors' c*cks from your mouth."


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## S.L.F (5 Jul 2008)

PMU said:


> I don't want to get banned for this but:
> 
> Jimmy Carr to heckler: "I don't come to your place of work and take sailors' c*cks from your mouth."



Gave me an idea for a put down.


You're banned!!!


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## Guest117 (5 Jul 2008)

I always liked   

" There are wiser eating grass "


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## Guest117 (7 Jul 2008)

" When his mother took him out in the pram - people used to gather around and say Ahhhh Looook isn't that a beauuuuutiful pram "


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## ACA (11 Jul 2008)

Roy 'Chubby' Brown
To a heckler....when the doctor told you to exercise with dumb-bells he didn't mean going for a walk with ya mother and ya lass!


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## S.L.F (12 Jul 2008)

jaybird said:


> I love the heckler put downs! One I heard a while ago:
> 
> Heckler to rotund comedian: "Why are you so fat?"
> Comedian: "Cos everytime I f***ked your mother she gave me a biscuit"



Brilliant


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## Lak (13 Jul 2008)

"I wont argue with an idiot you will just drag me down to your level and win by experience "!


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## jackswift (14 Jul 2008)

What are you looking at? not much

What did your last slave die of? lack of work

My own sayings.


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## Buddyboy (22 Jul 2008)

She is so ugly that when she was a child, her parents had to tie a rasher around her neck so the dog would play with her.


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