# Storyboarding



## Orga (13 Apr 2008)

I was wondering if anyone would have an interest in storyboarding: where the AAM posters add to a story, each poster adding a small piece, giving the story it's own unique flavour. You can add a sentence, a paragraph, a chapter, the story goes where you take it. So, let's give it a go - I;ll try a generic start below.

James Alderton was a singularly unimpressive man: average height, average build, average intelligence. He lived in an average house and enjoyed a very average lifestyle. In every way he was Mr Average, every way but one. For James Alderton had a secret, a secret that not even he knew that he held.

It was yellow-sunny Monday morning. Alice was in the office early.


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## Welfarite (14 Apr 2008)

Alice finished her runny fried egg sandwich at her desk. The reason she had decided to have a runny egg sandwich was because it was a yellow-sunny morning. she noticed that the egg had dripped onto the important presentation she was preparing for her boss, the hateful Mr. Hatton. She watching the congealing egg in horror adn wondered should she just lick it offf. It would be a shame to waste it on this yellow-sunny morning.


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## cole (14 Apr 2008)

Screw it she thought, I'm not having my moring ruined by Hatton, and she lifted the sandwich to her mouth. Just then the phone rang. Dammit.

A soft deliberate voice.

"Where the hell are you".

Alice recognised the voice.


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## Orga (15 Apr 2008)

It was her mother. Her was voice was always soft but her words were always harsh. "I have a pain", she said.


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## Blueberry08 (15 Apr 2008)

"Where is the pain," asked an alarmed Alice, not noticing the runny fried egg was now dripping down her chin.  

"In me This post will be deleted if not edited to remove bad language," said her mother, "I don't know if it's piles or what, but I feel like I've a sledgehammer stuck up there."

By now Alice was regretting putting her mother on speaker phone in the open-plan office, but she really had no choice, she needed two hands around that runny fried egg sandwich.


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## Simeon (15 Apr 2008)

Now Mother relax. If you go into my part of the bathroom cabinet, you'll find some Preparation H right next to the tube of Denturefix. By the way, you asked me to remind you to collect your glasses from the Optician. See you later.


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## Welfarite (15 Apr 2008)

James Alderton heard a scream from next door. Dragging himself away from his search to find the secret that he didn't even know he had, he rushed out, jumped one-legged over the fence (he only had one-leg he realised, perhaps that was the secret?) and ran into Mrs Infeckshun's kitchen to find her kneeling on the floor, bared buttocks in the air, weeping uncontrollably. "What happened?" he asked, breathlessly


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## Caveat (15 Apr 2008)

"What do you think?" she spluttered. "That* cad* Mr Hatton of course"

"Hatton eh?" James muttered, his eyes narrowing, his lips pursing, his fingers gently caressing his moisturised chin, his stomach ever so slightly churning and the beige lino of Mrs Infeckshun's kitchen floor slightly tacky underfoot.


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## Welfarite (15 Apr 2008)

Suddenly he realised that the reason the floor was tacky was that the myopic Mrs. Infeckshun had used Denturefix instead of Preparation H on her piles. She was obviously deluded about Hatton. 

Mind you, Alderton mused, the daughter could very well have planned this "accident" with Hatton, in revenge for her mother calling her A Lice Infeckshun, which made life at school hellish.

Alderton surveyed the wobbling white orbs before him, debating with himself whether to call the doctor or the dentist......


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## truthseeker (15 Apr 2008)

.......before the decision was taken out of his hands by the arrival of Mr Longshanks - the local Guard.

"A neighbour reported a domestic disturbance, said she could hear screaming and thrashing about" said Mr Longshanks. He seemed oblivious to Mrs Infeckshun's bare bottom which was now bathed in harsh yellow sunlight through the open kitchen door.

"What seems to be the problem?" he queried, strangely calm under the odd circumstances.

"My bum, my bum!!!" cried Mrs Infeckshun.

Alderton opened his mouth and said:


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## Welfarite (15 Apr 2008)

"I think you should look into it, Guard....there's more to this than meets the eye"


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## truthseeker (15 Apr 2008)

"Right so" says Mr Longshanks, pulling on a pair of slim latex gloves.

Mrs Infeckshun looked up in horror from her pronated position on the floor. Mr Longshanks proceeded towards her and then swerved and began to brush the fingerprint powder on the frame of the door.


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## Welfarite (15 Apr 2008)

Meanwhile, back in the office, Alice was feeling a little guilty about what she hd manipulated her mother into doing. If only she hadn't listened to Mr. Patton when he suggested it. 

If only she had told her mother the truth about him and what had happened to his wife all those years ago....


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## truthseeker (15 Apr 2008)

She picked up the phone, determined to set the record straight once and for all. She was shocked when it was answered by a male voice.


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## elefantfresh (15 Apr 2008)

"Hello, you're through to the psychic hotline"


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## Welfarite (15 Apr 2008)

Horrified, she thought her mother had died in the little "accident" she had arranged as she was sure she had speed-dialled her mother's number. 

"Can I speak to my mother please?"


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## cole (15 Apr 2008)

"Speaking".

Odd she thought. My mother has an unusually low growl but this voice is a bit too manly. Even for her.

The voice continued. 

"OK ok so I'm not your mother, well, not the mother you grew up with, but I am your mother. Your birth mother. Well at least I was a mother before surgery. I suppose I'm your daddy now".


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## truthseeker (15 Apr 2008)

Back at her mothers house Mr Longshanks winked at Mrs Infeckshun and Alderton and whispered "I studied a bit of psychology in Templemore - this is to break the Oedipal Complex" before returning to the phone and saying "I know we have never met but....."


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## Orga (15 Apr 2008)

I'm kinda lonely cos no one wants to date a guard with two bad knees and a haitus hernia." 

The sudden concusive shock wake of what sounded like a horrific explosion ripped through the kitchen.


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## cole (15 Apr 2008)

Too many dammed guinness last night thought Mr Longshanks before coughing loudly and throwing a knowing glance at the dog. The dog slunk into the corner. It had been blamed before and knew full well the consequences.

"What was that noise?" asked Alice wondering if the hiatus hernia would cause problems. Bad knees were one thing but a hernia?


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## S.L.F (15 Apr 2008)

Red in the face with exhaustion Garda Longshanks crossed his legs and wished he had not put his last stitch of clothes in the wash because things were getting complicated now.

Mean while the dog was sniffing the back of his pants and thinking....


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## sidzer (15 Apr 2008)

Then the phone rang - it was Chief Superintendent Mac Shickel. "Longshanks its a 'Red Cobra' call - the big fish is swimming and tonite we're going to hook him, take up your position in 1hr and be prepared"....


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## Orga (15 Apr 2008)

Longshanks knew that this was his chance, his one final shot at making the big time. If he collared the big fish then this would make his career and provide the final boost that he needed to show his true colours at the next interview for sergeant. Gone would be his days of crime scene analysis, of door to door house calls, of emergency response duty in times of heavy traffic, gone would be the days of listening to Tom Bigshotovich, the new fella from Store Street spout off about his rise from tarffic duty to special unit assignment. This was his time, his turn to make his mark!

"Sergeant Longshanks", he thought. "Now that really has a ring to it!" It was just at this moment that Mrs Infeckshun started to cough loudly. "Well are you going to stand there all day? Or are you going to help me up! This denture powder is well near set! It's going to take a rock breaker to get me out if you don't hurry."

Startled from his imaginings of how the future will look so much brighter Garda Longshanks adjusted his tunic, squared his cap and bent down to help Ms Infeckshun from the kitchen floor.

That job took quite an effort! How he managed to lift a 22 stone 40-something year old woman from a floor he reckoned he'd never know. But then again, all those evenings in the gym working out on the bicep curl machine had to pay off eventually. He made sure that he was ok and took his leave of her.

Glad to be finally back in the fresh air he walked his bicycle back to the station. The previous abdominal episode had made cycling an environmental catastrophe waiting to happen.

Back in the office A lice Infeckshun was busy preparing for the mother of all presentations. Alice knew very little about presentations other than the fact that usually meant stress for everyone involved. She thought,"Wouldn't it be nice if I could do something to relieve everyone's stress."


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## Ceist Beag (16 Apr 2008)

... obviously Alice thought that Mary's Massage Parlour was a legitimate service when she booked 6 of their masseurs for an afternoon of massages for the office staff as her way of relieving everyone's stress. So you can imagine her embarrassment when 6 young scantily clad Asian ladies walked into the office and asked for Alice. Every head in the office was switching from Alice to the ladies and back as the sweat began to drip from Alice's forehead. There was only one thing for it she thought...


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## truthseeker (16 Apr 2008)

....and that would be to turn these scantily clad pseudo hookers over to the Gardai. She phoned reception and informed the girl on the desk to activate all security doors and call the guards immediately.

Meanwhile, a short distance from the office Longshanks readjusted his uncomfortable position in a gorse bush and peered once again through his opera glasses. 'Darned cheapskates, the least they could have done was stump up for a decent pair of binoculars' he muttered to himself. Suddenly he saw his prey. Through an open office window he spotted a half naked group of asian women begin to grapple with a dumbfounded nerdy office type. As he was about to call this update in his walkie talkie crackled to life 'The eagle has landed, the eagle has landed - proceed to zone 2 and await further instructions'. 

Longshanks became so excited that in his scramble to exit the bush he stumbled forwards, the bush hooked his belt, and he made an unceremonious thud as he hit the pavement, opera glasses in hand, trousers round his ankles.


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## Welfarite (16 Apr 2008)

Alice, still fighting off the persistent potential masseuse, heard one of her colleagues cry out: "Look, look! There! Down on the pavement....!"

Alice was glad to have the staff's attention taken away from her. She lifted her heel to boot the last of the Asian infiltrators out the door and slammed it shut. Catching her breath, she joined her colleagues who had all gathered at the window and were peering down at the pavement below. 

"What's he doing?", one of them asked, "and why has he got his trousers around his ankles"

"He's got a very small pair"

"Yes, that's the smallest pair of binoculars I've ever seen. They lookm like opera glasses. But why is a policeman lying on the ground half naked with a pair of opera glasses...."

Alice Infeckshun turned in horror from the window, covering her mouth with her hand. "It couldn't be him, could it?" she thought madly to herself. Yet she knew there was no denying it. It was him all right.


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## csirl (16 Apr 2008)

By now the Asian ladies were out on the pavement and seeing Longshanks in such a compromising position, they mistakenly thought that he was a punter doing role play. One of them grabbed his handcuffs and handcuffed him to a drainpipe while the others cheered on with chants of "naughty naughty policeman........" while massaging him.

Longshanks dreams of promotion were then suddenly shattered when the Chief Superintendent stepped out of a squad car which had just parked at the pavement.


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## truthseeker (16 Apr 2008)

"VICE SQUAD" roared the Chief Superintendent the sound of which caused the Asian girls to scatter like ball bearings on a dance floor.

Longshanks looked sheepishly over his shoulder, dripping with massage oil and his bum in a position strangely reminiscent of someone elses bum earlier that day.

"GOOD MAN" bellowed the Chief Superintendent, who liked to believe that the more authoritarian a man sounded the more he got done, "WE'VE PLENTY OF LADS OUT ON THE STREET TO GATHER THEM UP, WELL DONE FOR KEEPING THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE TIL I GOT HERE".

He unlocked Longshanks handcuffs and clapped him hard on the back. So hard in fact that Longshanks bit his tongue, spluttered and accidently sprayed the Chief Superintendents shoes with spittle mixed with blood. The Chief Superintendent looked down and shouted "GREAT - DNA EVIDENCE" - mistakenly thinking the nasty mess on his shoe belonged to one of the Asian posse.


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## Welfarite (16 Apr 2008)

Meanwhile, had Alice slipped quietly around the corner to avoid having Longshanks recognise her. Without warning, she bumped straight into James Alderton, her one-legged neighbour, who was still suffering from the aftereffects of his encounter with Alice's mother's dentured bum that morning.

"Hello, James" Alice said, coyly.


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## Caveat (16 Apr 2008)

She suddenly noticed that his eyes were bulging and beads of sweat glistened on his brow. His breathing was shallow and frantic as the runny yellow sun cast a monopedic shadow, lengthening across the badly laid pavement slabs.

He opened his slightly feminine lips:


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## Welfarite (16 Apr 2008)

"I know you did it..." he whispered menacingly....


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## csirl (16 Apr 2008)

"Did what?" she replied.


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## Blueberry08 (16 Apr 2008)

"Parked illegally outside Tesco," he said.

"I....um.....eh......ah......well.......I.....," she said.

He grinned with such menace her heart skipped a beat.


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## truthseeker (16 Apr 2008)

Until she realised that he was actually passing wind. She grimaced a little herself in the downstream before noticing he was waiting on an answer from her.


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## Orga (16 Apr 2008)

She knew that she would have to hurry this conversation along: James was teetering slightly, being one-legged was never an asset when making pavement-conversation. She wondered how he managed to compensate for the rapid changes in vestibular sensation caused by his gaseous emissions, his micro-muscular  responses must be fabulous. She shot him a glance,  wondering if she might ever have an opportunity to attempt an evoked potential response examination of his lower extremities. She just knew that the results would be fascinating.

"I don't drive James", she said. "It couldn't have been me." "Well, it damn well looked like you getting out of a 1964 chevy coupe with a 6.4 litre V8 engine that develops 312bhp at 2700 rpm outside Tesco.", James retorted.

She hated it when he started talking about mechanical stuff. After all, she spent her life working with mechanical stuff that she never really understood and what vexed her most was that she had yet to figure out why her favourite piece of mechanical paraphrenalia had stopped functioning.


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## Ceist Beag (17 Apr 2008)

Her Rowenta DX-9800 Perfect Steam Iron hadn't been working for the past week. God I miss my crisply pressed trousers she thought, fondly remembering how the steam brushed past her chin as she prepared the next mornings clothes. She made a mental note to ring Steve her sparky cousin that evening to see if he fixed it yet. 
Her attention was brought back to the present when James let out a shout ...


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## truthseeker (17 Apr 2008)

"Ahh, me leg!!!".

Alice looked alarmed. James righted himself and apologised, "Sorry" he said, "Sometimes I get a terrible cramp in it from standing on uneven pavements".

She was pleased the conversation had moved away from illegal parking outside Tesco AND mechanical devices. But not so pleased at the direction it next took.


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

"I have just the thing for your leg" she said with  cheeky grin & sparkle in her eye.

'Hmmm' he though to himself, 'I like the sound of that', his wildest fantasies running at full speed to the point of where his heart raced at 200 beats per minute.

"Such as what Alice?...... something pleasurable I hope?"

"Oh for sure James..... I would love to ..... well you know.....' she blushed slightly

*** badly edited movie clip jumps straight to bedroom scene ****


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## csirl (17 Apr 2008)

"I have something to tell you" James told her.

"I have been meaning to tell you this for a while now...........its about your boss, Mr. Hatton..".

"What about him?" replied Alice.

"He has a secret.........he used to be a woman".

Alice then remembered the earlier phonecall she tried to make to her mother and realised that she may have pushed the speed dial for her bosses office rather than the speed dial for her mother's house. A feeling of horror came over her when she realised that Mr. Hatton is actually her mother.

"Oh.....that explains the strange response I go from him on the phone earlier...........he said he was my mother?"

"Yes, thats correct" said James.

And there's more. I used to be married to Mr. Hatton when he was known as Mary Hatton. We were married for 4 years before she came home one day and said she wanted to be a man. You were only 6 months old at the time. She then dissappeared to London for a while leaving me to look after you. Then I was run over by a bus and was in hospital for 2 years. Mrs Infeckshun, our neighbour was always fond of you, so I agreed to let her adopt you as I was facing a long recovery from my leg amputation and other horrific injuries.


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## Caveat (17 Apr 2008)

"Well whilst my head is spinning with these revelations James, and my emotional and family life becomes more convoluted and unpredictable with every passing minute, not to mention the absolutely bizarre sequence of events so far today, really, I think we are here...right now...in this room...for one reason only - don't you?"

She whispered, full of confused, bewildered, but raging desire.


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## csirl (17 Apr 2008)

"Yes, we must confront your mother.....Mr. Hatton....ask her why she abandoned us?" replied James.

"No........I meant something else......" said Alice.


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## truthseeker (17 Apr 2008)

"I know what you meant Alice - but Ive looked it up on the internet - its called GSA - Genetic Sexual Attraction, its a common phenoma between related persons who didnt grow up together and form the normal social taboos. You are going to need counselling to get over it as its classed as incest in this country and you could go to jail for persuing these feelings, not to mention the fact that Fr. Paisley will be down on you like a ton of bricks for entertaining such dirty thoughts".

Alices jaw dropped.


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

truthseeker said:


> Alices jaw dropped.



...and so did James's trousers


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## Ceist Beag (17 Apr 2008)

Red-faced James bent his one knee, picking up his trousers whilst apologising profusely to Alice. "I really must get a new belt" he explained as Alice burst into giggles, the passion she had felt moments ago lost to the hilarity of the picture in front of her.


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

"no that's quite alright James.....here let me get......that ......for......you........oooohhhh


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## Ceist Beag (17 Apr 2008)

... you also have a Rowenta DX-9800 Perfect Steam Iron, what luck! Mine is broken at the minute, mind if I borrow yours so I can catch up on all my ironing?"


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## truthseeker (17 Apr 2008)

As she tried to retrieve his belt off the pavement she tripped over and banged her head off the ground. This produced a surprisingly loud thud and Alice looked momentarily startled before passing out at his feet.

James managed to fix his errant trousers, tightened his belt, and leaned over Alice. He gently slapped her face to try to rouse her and was at that moment interrupted by a heavy hand on his shoulder.


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

...it was the woman of his dreams, Dion, scantily clad in a sexy neglige.... 

"james, its been a while, to hell with this ironing rubbish.. lets get straight down to business & having some real fun.... and I ain't talking about board games or twister or anya that kinda stuff"


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## Caveat (17 Apr 2008)

"er...what then...scrabble?"


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## truthseeker (17 Apr 2008)

muttered James, as he realised he had actually imagined the prescence of Dion, it must have been wishful thinking on his behalf or perhaps the sight of several scantily clad Asian women running about a few moments earlier had addled his brains.

In fact the heavy hand belonged to Mr Hatton.


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

......just his hand....... but no sign of Mr Hatton...... (he could tell from the hospital name bracelet that was around the wrist of the severed hand)


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## Caveat (17 Apr 2008)

"Ah holy heart an' sweet suffer-din' jaysus!" Alice screamed.


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## shootingstar (17 Apr 2008)

hahaha Truthseekers`s really getting into this thread


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## truthseeker (17 Apr 2008)

The hand dropped to the ground with a slight plopping sound, it looked strangely alive, as though it was about to start moving around under its own power.

Recovered from her fainting spell Alice looked as though she was about to have another one. James had a similar feeling wash over him. He clutched the wall next to him for support. Thats when he heard it. A kind of high keening noise, it sounded like a cat with a sore throat in the distance.

He turned in the direction of the noise...


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

he found the source of the noise....it was some 1950's scifi movie & the tv... so he got up & turned it off


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## truthseeker (17 Apr 2008)

and then came back to himself as he realised he was outside, there was a hand on the pavement, a shocked looking Alice next to him and what he thought was himself turning off the tv was simply him fiddling with a knob on a machine that dispensed newspapers.

He really had to get seen to about these Walter Mitty moments he was having lately. 

That noise was still there, he again turned in the direction of it, only to be confronted with a person dressed in medical scrubs. He rubbed his temple with one hand, wondering what on earth was going on, and the green garbed person in front of him asked...


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## cole (17 Apr 2008)

"Couldn't give us a hand could you?" said the vision pointing to the hand laying on the ground.

James could only nod as he picked the hand off the pavement.

"Cheers" said the green garbed vision. He lifted his lapel and started speaking into it... "Jolly Green Giant to Mother..Jolly Green Giant to Mother...I have the merchandise...repeat I have the merchandise".


Alice slowly lifted herself to her feet.


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

"Ya know what" said Alice..... "All this adventure has made me feel really frisky"


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## Ceist Beag (17 Apr 2008)

"Or maybe it's this unironed shirt that's making me so playful, I feel free Daddy, free I tell ya" Alice vowed never to iron again such was her liberated glee.
Meanwhile James watched the Jolly Green Giant hop on a scooter and tear off just as Hatton came careering around the corner waving his stump at the cad making off with his hand.


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## ninsaga (17 Apr 2008)

Hatton then proceeded to run after the Jolly Green Giant..... never to be see or heard of ever again.

It was a strange thing indeed.......people won't talk about him any more...


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## cole (17 Apr 2008)

Or will they? Perhaps in some forgotten tome, the JGG will be remembered, perhaps online in some strange storyboard. Perhaps he'll reappear in this story, who knows?

Anyway, on with the tale...Hatton gave up chasing the JGG and stood there in the middle of the road, exhausted. He turned just as Alice...


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## Blueberry08 (18 Apr 2008)

......started screaming hysterically.

"What's wrong," he cried!

"I just got a text from those b*stards in Aer Lingus - they say the flights I booked to America this morning have been cancelled!"

"Why," he cried!

"Because they say they made a mistake with the pricing," she said.

"How," he cried!

"Because they're right ****ing eejits," she said.

"Yes," he cried!

"Would you ever stop crying, you stupid fecker," she cried.


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## ninsaga (18 Apr 2008)

"i need a really good shag" says Alice


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## Brianne (18 Apr 2008)

'What?'  he stammered, thinking to himself ,well if she isn't just like her tr....op of a mother.

'I need a really good shag-pile rug for my bedroom', she said.

'You  see  I suffer from chilblains  in the winter  and  I  thought  the shag  would be  so  soft and warm on my tootsies',


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## ninsaga (18 Apr 2008)

"Do you want to come to my bedroom & I'll show you exactly what I mean...... if you know what I mean....." she said seductively 

"Oh yes for sure" he said all eagerly 

"Well then watcha waitin' for"

..... so they arrive back in the bedroom


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## Vanilla (18 Apr 2008)

"So...here is where I thought I'd install a hidden TV mounted on a motor with remote access..."
"...right, mounted, got you!" He said, with a lecherous wink.
"And over here I thought I'd do a feature wall with hand painted wallpaper" She continued, obviously lost in a Laurence Llewellan Bowen moment.
"Er, Alice, what about the shag?" He said tentatively.
"God, Ninsaga, er no I mean Hatton, you have such a one-track mind!" She exclaimed, but gestured over to the water bed, none the less...


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## ninsaga (18 Apr 2008)

(bad time to get writers block......trying to word this without getting banned  )


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## Deirdra (18 Apr 2008)

She held out her hand and Hatton tentatively took it, he followed her to the bed. They lay side by side, enjoying the warmth of the water bed sloosh underneath them, they held hands and turned to face each other, Alice's eyes were tender and misty. Hatton's phone started to ring.....


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## truthseeker (18 Apr 2008)

But seeing as one hand was holding Alices and the other was off with the Jolly Green Giant he couldnt answer it. James meanwhile was standing speechless at the door of the bedroom "Hatton - how did you manage to get to the hospital to get that stump bandaged up and back here so fast, with the state of the Health Service I thought youd be on a trolley for at least 97 hours before they even looked at you!".


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## Caveat (18 Apr 2008)

..


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## Vanilla (18 Apr 2008)

"Don't be silly James, you know I had bionic implants at the same time as my sex change operation- I just took out a spare." Hatton said, waving a suspiciously smooth looking hand.
Just then Mrs. Infeckshun's face appeared at the window.
"Oh Alice", she wailed, "you are finally reunited with your real Mammy and Daddy. Please don't hate me for not telling you, but James threatened to spray my beloved orchid plant with weed killer if I ever let on..." She shot James a murderous look.
Unperturbed, James limped to the bed and took Hatton's smooth hand. 
"Oh Mary-"
He was interrupted by a loud buzzer...


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## Brianne (18 Apr 2008)

For  moment he thought he was back in the Sc-Fi film and then with a start  
he realised that it was Mrs Infecshum's new door bell........bought by himself in LIDL last Thurs, 20 Euros for a specially enhanced bell for those with Tinnitus.
'Who is it?', said Alice.
With that Mrs Infecshus shouted up the stairs....'Alice,Alice, come here, quick,quick!!!!
'Oh, my God , what's wrong ?',said Alice as she ran down the stairs.
Standing there was an urbane, grey haired business man in a Hugo Boss.
In his hand was a huge bunch of velvet red roses and a box of Lily O'Brien's luxury selection.  Alice came to a sudden stop at the end of the stairs, looked up at him and then he smiled.
'Hello, may I call you Alice' .he said.
 'Yes',said Alice tentatively. 'Sorry, do I know you?'
'Alice, I'm  Dermot Man.........from Aer L......'
I'd like you to accept these first class tickets and the gifts as a token of apology for all the upset we have caused you. It was our fault and we hope you will forgive us', and he smiled at her gently.

Alice looked at him ,wordlessly, and then she fainted.


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

James and Hatton glanced at each other and wordlessly took the Aer Lingus tickets. Alice began to stir and Hatton said 'Cmon James, we never had a proper honeymoon and these tickets are not in anyones name - lets go'.


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

James looked at Mr. Mary Hatton and askedd "Shall I pack one razor or two...?" AAlice burst into tears again: "For God's sake!" she roared, spittle covering the two men in front of her, "I've just found out that my mother is now my father as well as my boss and my neighbour is also my father....and Mrs Infeckshun, whom I looked up to for all those years is actually a nobody who puts Denturefix on her bum! Wkat ABOUT MY FEELINGS?!?!?"

Hatton looked at James and shrugged, saying: "We'd better hurry and get to the airport. Traffic is deadly at this time of day...." He took his hand and skipped out the door leaving a distraught and shattered Alice, sitting on the foloor with an iron in her hand. Just then, she heard the sound of a helicopter overhead.....


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

She ran down the stairs and out into a crowd of journalists, paparazzi and in their midst James and Hatton struggling to get past. She looked up at the helicopter and realised it was a news helicopter with a cameraman perched precariously out the open door of it pointing his camera directly at the scene below.

At her appearance the crowd went wild and began to shout questions at her. She couldnt hear a thing and her heart started to hammer wildly in her chest at the prospects of her family situation becoming public knowledge - who had notified the press, who else knew that her mother was her father and her boss to and that Mrs Infeckshun was really just a barmy old bat who put Denturefix on her bum?

Suddenly she realised that the nearest reporter was shoving a microphone at her face and that James and Hatton seemed to have made it through the crowd unscathed - in fact, the crowd didnt seem remotely interested in the newly re-united couple.

She focussed on the microphone, blinked furiously in the a blinding spotlight and said 'What do you want?'.

'Alice, Alice, How does it feel to be a Euromillions lotto winner?'


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

edited


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

"Well...em...I....I'm not too sure. Will I have to sing live?" Alice was clueless when it came to anything about Europe, although she was looking forward to going to Lisbon on June 12th to vote. "Will I get to meet Dustin? And Pat Kenny.../" she asked excitedly.

The crowd were silent and you could hear a pin drop as they realised that Alice was a total eejit. In fact, everybody DID hear a pin drop. Heads turned as they watched the uniformed army figure at the edge of the crowd.

"Nobody move..." he cried, holding his clenched fist above his head, "this is a live grenade.....!"


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

The crowd backed away in horror - it was like a great wave of pushing them all backwards. 

The uniformed figure shouted 'IT WAS ALL FOR YOU MRS INFECKSHUN!!!'.


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

Alice watched in horror as the grenade arched it's way towards Mrs Infeckshun's house. Her whole life flashed before her eyes. How she had alwasy thought of the dentured woman as her mother. How she had, by some instinct, resisted her real father's James' sexual advances as the woman she had thought was her mother tut-tutted in the corner. And a great wave of affection swept over her. Somehow, she had to stop that grenade exploding in Mrs Infeckshun's medicine cabinet or she would never cure her piles....


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

She realised she was still holding the iron. Unthinkingly she threw it and its trajectory perfectly intercepted the arcing grenade causing an impressive mid air explosion. Everyone ducked as bits of iron and shrapnel flew through the air. The only causalty of the explosion appeared to be the uniformed man himself - although he had not suffered any hits by shrapnel he had been blinded by the flash bulbs from the press and was now stumbling about holding his hands to his eyes.


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

Mrs Infeckshun appeared. "Here you are,son, this will help your eyes...." she said, handing him the Preparation H.


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

Alice wondered if she could somehow escape the mass of reporters unnoticed and make her way to the airport to intercept her real mother who was now her father and her boss and her real father before the two of them managed to cash in her aer lingus vouchers and make their way off to destination unknown.

She sidled off while everyones attention was on the scene unfolding with the Preperation H.


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

She hailed a taxi and a Hummer squealed into the side of the pavement. She thought that she recognised the driver. "Hardly... I used to be in a monastry" he growled, when she queried if she knew him. 

As they headed out towards the airport, they were met by a Garda checkpoint. 

There was Longshanks, standing in the middle of the road, trousers held up by a hastily adjusted blue neck, handcuffs dangling from one wrist, looking very dishevelled. 

"Keep going, keep going!" Alice urged the driver "I can't let that man see me!"


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

The taxidriver did a sudden U turn - pretty shocking driving as he was on the M50 but the traffic was so bad that no one was moving anyway so it was like driving in a carpark. He drove back along the hard shoulder til he reached the previous exit and once again U turned up it. Longshanks witnessed this spectacle but by the time he'd alerted someone to follow the taxi it was lost in the roadworks at the Red Cow Roundabout and the sight of a garda car amid the traffic chaos in the area only served to further lock things up as drivers hastily stopped trying to nip through the lights at the last minute and endeavoured to get into the correct lane.

Alice heaved a great sigh of relief. She slumped down in the taxi and prayed that they would reach the airport shortly.


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

Alice's mobile rang. It was Ninsaga on the AAM hotline. She hung up immediately on hearing the lewd comments that Ninsaga was making. In any case, they had reached the terminal and Alice hopped out, handing the driver her credit card. He ran it through his machine gave it back to her, with a wink.

She hurried into the terminal, trying to fight her way to the Aer Lingus information desk, hoping against hope that the cheap flight hadn't left yet.


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

While waiting in the queue she saved Ninsagas number - well she enjoyed a bit of lewdness now and again but she was busy right now!

Up ahead she spotted James and Hatton nearly at the desk. She threw herself forward through the queue hastily excusing herself that she was with people up ahead.

Just as she reached them.......


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

....a huge cry went up.

"There she is! There she is! The woman who was on the telly all morning. Yer wan that won the Euromillions!"

Alice was surrounded by the madding (!)crowd and found herself being swept along, being carried further and further from her father. Not to mention her boss, who owed her a week's overtime money. And her other father, who was limping one-legged towards the departure gates, oblivious to Alice's plight.

If she didn't act soon, she thought, her two fathers would be lost to her forever. Suddenly shouted as loud as she could: "I'LL BUY THE COMPANY! THE AIRPORT EVEN! NOW, STOP THAT PLANE......!"

As a great hush came over the terminal building, she heard a whisper behind her.

"Is she mad or what? Buy Aer Lingus......?" The crowd began to titter adn giggle adn soon the whole place was rocking with laughter, as Alice watched the only two playboys of her world disappear into the departure lounge. She had lost them surely....


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

As she struggled to free herself from the clutches of the increasingly elated crowd she realised she had to get through the departure gates and fast. She leaped over the backs of some chairs where forlorn smokers were wishfully sitting reminiscing about the good old smelly days of the smoking section and threw herself in the direction of the nearest Ryanair desk.

"I need a ticket for the next plane leaving the airport - I dont care where its to".

"Certainly Madam, that will be 4382 Euro including tax, a one way to Riga".

Alice fumbled with her purse, feverishly trying to work out if there was space on her credit card for this and was frustrated to realise that it was maxed out and her Euromillions cheque wouldnt clear for days.


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

There was nothing for it but to return home, comfort her erstwhile mother Mrs. Infeckshun and do a bit of ironing. Perhaps she would get some peace at the office now that Mr Hatton was gone. And James would not be bothering her with his advances any more, either. She felt a slight pang of regret.

Still, she thought, she always had Ninsaga's number if she got bored. But boredom was not a state that occurred in Alice's wonderworld. Down to her last few euros, she got the bus. Barely had she settled into her seat when.....


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

...a little old man who looked so innocent that one would imagine him handing Wurther Originals to his blondy haired grandson with a warm smile sat beside her and said "Show us yer knickers luv".

Alice had really had enough. Rather than create a scene she slyly elbowed the old fellow hard in the side of the neck as she changed seats only for the bus to lurch to a sudden stop - and it wasnt at a bus stop.


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## AlastairSC (21 Apr 2008)

"Damn", she heard the driver mutter, "I'll really have to get on to the company about these buses goin' onto the feckin' pavement all by themselves and runnin' people over. Let's see, that's two.. no three..."


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## Welfarite (21 Apr 2008)

It was Garda Longshanks again. He was still in Red Cobra mode. He had tracked Alice down through the news bulletin updates on his radio. Alice had been dubbed the Mysterious Millionairess by the media and, never a man to let his quarry escape, he had raced from the Red Cow roundabout to set up another checkpoint.

Alice scrambled out through the emergency exit and began to run down the street, Behind her came Longshanks, followed closely by the little old man, then a posse of newspaper men, continuity announcers and Charlie Bird. At the very rear, Eddie Hobbs was waving some papers in the air, frantically calling out: "Alice, Alice, can I talk to you for a minute.....?" 

Alice swerved into the doorway of a building, ran down a hallway and stopped dead in her tracks. She was confronted by .....


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

...His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama.

He was smaller in person than she would have imagined, and very colourfully dressed.

She looked around and realised she had run into a hotel and the reason she had bumped into His Holiness in the lobby was that he was about address a group of supporters on the subject of the Chinese Olympics.

She wondered if he could quickly advise her on her current situation. He was smiling at her so she took a chance.

Breathlessly she blurted out the whole story, her mother was her father, her father was her boss, her real father was now running off with her boss/mother/father person, Mrs Inshunfeckin most likely would need medical attention for the Denturefix incident but as she didnt have VHI she might suffer for ages, she'd just won Euromillions, lost the dastardly couple in the airport after they made off with her Aer Lingus vouchers, she was down an iron and Longshanks was in hot pursuit - to say nothing of the itchy feeling she had on her neck where that asian girl had started trying to massage her.

As she got to the end of the tale she saw His Holiness smile warmly at her and he said....


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## csirl (21 Apr 2008)

Will you donate some of you Euromillions to the campaign to get China out of Tibet?


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## truthseeker (21 Apr 2008)

"What? You mean you dont have any words of wisdom for me!???" said Alice.

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." intoned the Dalai Lama.

Alice privately thought that her happiness was being affected by the actions of many other people lately but she didnt want to be rude so she agreed, promised to send the cheque onto him and decided to continue through the hotel and hopefully find a quiet back entrance.


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## cole (21 Apr 2008)

As she made her way towards what she assumed was the back of the hotel a small balding man hurried to her side.

"Ms. Infeckshun? Ms. Alice Infeckshun?"

She nodded slightly.

"Your suite is ready as requested. Everything has been prepared. If you'd like to follow me..."

Alice stood there uncomprehending. Her suite?

"Oh and Mr. Infeckshun has already booked in".


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## Vanilla (21 Apr 2008)

Alice stopped in her tracks suddenly overwhelmed by the days events. To hell with this she thought as she caught sight of a cocktail bar through a nearby doorway.
"A babycham please, straight up." Alice demanded of the barman having spun on her heels and marched straight into the glittery surrounds. The small bald man followed her and placed her room key discreetly at her elbow as she sat at the bar.
As the bar man poured the bubbling liquid into a martini glass Alice motioned for him to leave the bottle and sat looking fondly at the little blue deer on the label. Oh bambi, she thought, what a day!
Suddenly a long lean thigh pressed up against hers. She followed the grey lounge suit upwards, discreetly forcing her eyes to move quickly past the crotch area. 
"George? Is that really you?" She asked as her eyes fixed on his dark brown ones.
"No, it's Ninsaga, though I've often been mistaken for George Clooney." He said modestly.
"No, bush!" She tittered.


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## truthseeker (22 Apr 2008)

"No bush! Great - I prefer a landing strip myself" smiled Ninsaga.

"A landing strip?" thought Alice, "Oh he must have seen me at the airport!!".


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## csirl (22 Apr 2008)

"Remember that middle aged man - Bob from New York - you had a marriage of convenience with because you wanted a work visa for the US a few years ago?....it looks like he's turned up to claim half your Euromillions.....he's waiting upstairs in a suite." said Ninsaga.

"Oh......not him" replied Alice. "I forgot to file the divorce papers when I finished working in the US. He's a disgusting slob with bad breath."

"You dont have to worry about any of that tonight" smiled Ninsaga. "I've booked the honeymoon suite. We can have a bit of fun and worry about Bob in the morning."

"But what about your new wife?" asked Alice, now realising that the bar had been reserved for Ninsaga's wedding reception which was taking place in the hotel that day.


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## Welfarite (23 Apr 2008)

"New wife?" asked Ninsaga, non-plussed, "I'll ask her if she'd like to join us but I'm not so sure she will. The old one certainly wasn't into that kind of thing......"

Alice caught the barman's attention and ordered a double Babycham. 
 ".....In fact", she said, "make it a whole buck....and leave the antlers on..." 

She turned to Ninsaga and said: "OK, here's the deal. You go up to the honeymoon suite that's double-booked by my long-forgotten husband. No doubt he'll be waiting for me there, in the dark. You can pretend that you're me and don't put the light on...."


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## ninsaga (23 Apr 2008)

'nah .... not my kinda think ya know........ you must have me confused with someone else.... so what's it to be....... we gonna get jiggy-jiggy or what Alice?'


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## Vanilla (23 Apr 2008)

"Jiggy-jiggy? What on earth is that? Are you now black or what?" Alice said indignantly. "Look, are you going to help me out here and get up to that bedroom suite or not?"
"Well while I see what's in this for you, what about me?" Ninsaga queried.
"Hey, is this some kind of elaborate scam or what? Are you tryiing to rip me off?" Alice was tired and irritated and the Babycham wasn't working it's usual magic.
"Sssshhh, for God's sake don't say those words!' Ninsaga looked around wildly at the other side of the bar. Following his gaze Alice saw a man in the corner, balancing a Gray Goose on his ironing board. Just next to him another man was cursing fluently in French, a curl of smoke coming from the cigarette tilting precariously on his lips whilst writing grammatical problems on the blackboard. 
"Did you hear that, Doc?" The man at the ironing board asked his companion and turned to peer suspiciously at Alice. Luckily his attention was deflected as a woman with shoulder pads up to her eyebrows joined them and swiped his drink.
"Aw Sue Ellen, I've told you before about nicking my drink...'
Alice looked at her babycham bottle in confusion, maybe this stuff was more potent than she thought. Was it just her or was this cocktail bar becoming more Alice in Wonderland by the second?


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## Simeon (24 Apr 2008)

Having trouble focusing Alice blinked and reblinked. She steadied herself and headed to the door marked Mna, feeling the wall for good measure. Just outside the lobby door was a newly instaled PC. A sign above said _*Google while you wait.*_ She thought "What are they talking about"? This 'jiggy' thing. Trying to remember as the room swayed, she tapped in ...... kijiji.com. The screen burst into life


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## Welfarite (25 Apr 2008)

...but nature called more ungently. Alice sat and contemplated her situation, as one does on such occasions. She thought of her day so far and suddenly felt very tired. And so she should have, considering all she had been through. She realised that the most important things in life are family. Yes, she would return to her parents, Mr. Patton and Mr. Alderton; her father and her ... err ... father. She wondered was she Alice Alderton or Alice Patton. Either would be better than A lice Infeckshun.

And why was Longshanks chasing her? What was Red Cobra? No matter, it would be easy to give him the slip, considerign the ineptitude of his police skills so far.

She vowed to find out where Hatton and Alderton had gone and follow them to make a real family for herself. After all, she had the money now. Now where did she put that ticket? Suddenly, with horror, she remembered.....


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