# Crisis - debts due to gambling



## Stupid Boy

Age: 23
Spouse’s/Partner's age: 27

Annual gross income ; 36k 
Annual gross income spouse: 28k

Type of employment: Both PAYE Private sector

Expenditure pattern: In general are you spending more than you earn or are you saving? No

Rough estimate of value of home ; currently renting for 425 pcm

Other borrowings – 6,500 personal AIB loan at 10.5%

Do you pay off your full credit card balance each month? No
If not, what is the balance on your credit card? 3000 on Bank of Ireland cc and 4500 on Virgin Credit Card

Savings and investments: €300 current account

Pension scheme? Company Pension €100/Month

Do you own any investment or other property? N/A

Ages of children: N/A

Life insurance: N/A

*What specific question do you have or what issues are of concern to you*? I really don't know where to start, I have in theory the perfect life, a recent graduate with a strong job, an amazing girlfriend, world my oyster etc but behind it all I have a serious gambling problem, this has been going on since i was 18, winning thousands then losing twice as much, approx a year ago i lost 2000 in one day and told my girlfriend, she almost ended the relationship and only took me back because i vowed never to gamble again... but low and behold after clearing all my debt i started again... now have outstanding debts of 12,000! 

my loan with the aib is over 3 years at a payback of 300 odd per month, the 3000 with bank of ireland is balance transfer for 13 months at 0% and the 4500 is just been maxed out in the past few days so something will need to be done on it ASAP!

I really am at my wits end... i have been reading many threads on here and thought that it would never happen to me, as I write this i am actually crying because my girlfriend wants to now buy a house as the next step in our relationship, i want it to happen but the situation I am in is going to put me over the edge, we should have a deposit of 20,000 between us if i tell her our relationship is over, no doubt about that, she couldnt take finding out something like this... telling her actually makes me feel sick to my stomach !!

Im not even sure what to do, i know people will say to tell her but i just cant risk losing her... god knows what i would do!

i am now thinking of consolidating all this debt into one monthly repayment but i just cant think where to go... i am stressed out, severe headaches, cant think straight... 

I know i have gone off on a tangent but i really just dont know where or who to turn to!


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## mercman

*Re: Crisis!!!*

Well Stupid Boy, you might not be as Stupid as you think. At least you are prepared to admit to your addiction. It's now time to act to stop it, once and for all.

The first thing is tomorrow morning ia find yourself the nearest GA (Gamblers Anonymous) and start by attending the meetings. It's the only way.

You have to be convinced that gambling is for losers. You simply cannot win. I know to many people that have ended up with literally ZERO by gambling it all away, Very close relatives have lost their houses, their businesses, some their family for what -- a losing streak which cannot be reversed.

As soon as you are enrolled at GA you are going to have to tell your girlfriend as if she finds out she will up and go. Then set up a new pattern and course where you keep well away from Gambling or any of its side shows. Finally work out a plan to buy a house, get married and start a family and put the years gone by as an experience.

You are lucky. If you want to stop now is your chance.


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## Gus2008

*Re: Crisis!!!*

Completely agree with Mercman on how to start dealing with your addiction. From personal experience, sometimes you have to hit rockbottom before you can start crawling out. So don't get too worked up about it- we all make mistakes and at least you're young enough to be able to rectify them without too much at stake!!

Regarding your debt, €12,000 may seem like a lot but it's not really when you take it in a wider context. Have you looked into getting a loan for the full amount i.e. €12,000? If that is not an option, cut up your credit cards and just try chip away at it bit by bit. 

When you say you should have €20,000 saved between ye, were you supposed to be saving but spending it instead? If so, if you start some serious budgeting, you could probably make up a lot of that amount in the next year. And, realistically, buying a property takes at least 6 months from initially applying for a mortgage to moving in so this should give you some time to get your finances in order.

Regarding the girlfriend, it is cliché but if she loves you, you'll work through it. You need to make some serious changes (tackling debt, saving, going to GA) to prove you're reforming, but have a little faith in her and yourself. Best of luck!!


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## davidoco

*Re: Crisis!!!*



Gus2008 said:


> Regarding your debt, €12,000 may seem like a lot but it's not really when you take it in a wider context. Have you looked into getting a loan for the full amount i.e. €12,000? If that is not an option, cut up your credit cards and just try chip away at it bit by bit.
> 
> Regarding the girlfriend, it is cliché but if she loves you, you'll work through it. You need to make some serious changes (tackling debt, saving, going to GA) to prove you're reforming, but have a little faith in her and yourself. Best of luck!!


 
Agree owing 30% of your annual wage is not a bad thing, think about it, when you get a mortgage, you'll owe anything up to 800% of your gross income.

Regarding if she loves you etc, it may happen anyhow, but once you get married your wife can take control of the finances and leave you with little scope (money) for the temptation of gambling.


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## jhegarty

*Re: Crisis!!!*

Are you doing it online or in a bookies ?


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## Sunny

*Re: Crisis!!!*

As mentioned above the first step you need to take is to get help with the gambling. Otherwise whatever advice you get is worthless. 

I would consolidate your interest bearing loans into one loan at the cheapest rate possible. There are better rates then what AIB are charging you. If the BOI credit card is at 0%, leave it but do up a budget to see if can pay off the exisiting balance before the interest free period ends. I would also tear up your credit cards straight away. This will hep make sure you don't add to your debt and make the gambling urge more difficult to fulfill. I would strongly recommend you do up a budget. Contact MABS at www.mabs.ie  . You are lucky in that you are young and the amounts are not totally out of control.

Can't tell you what to do about the girlfriend but I think you will have to tell her in the end. Especially if you want to get a mortgage. Take the first steps with regard to a gamblers support group and getting your debt under control and it might make it easier for her to take.


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## mercman

*Re: Crisis!!!*

Does it really matter. He needs to get rid of his computer or move house to cease the habit.


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## Purple

*Re: Crisis!!!*

Have you thought about giving your Girlfriend your bank card, credit cards and cheque book and asking her to give you pocket money every week? It might work and it might be the reassurance she needs to stay with you. Think about her fear that you could ruin your personal finances as a couple and she would be powerless to stop it. From the experience of a friend who had the same problem this was his wife’s biggest fear.
If you were an alcoholic you would have to stay away from alcohol. You need to stay away from credit and bank accounts.

I also agree that GA should be your first port of call.


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## Jimmy Mook

*Re: Crisis!!!*

You have made a good start by facing up to your situation. Do your level best not to get tempted by the lure of Cheltenham this week. It will be hard but think of all you have to gain, not least your peace of mind. Hope it all works out for you.


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## Stupid Boy

Hey Folks,

Thanks for all the comments, no access to askaboutmoney in work so been doing my head in all day 

I made a phone call to my northern account in order to get a loan for the full amount but they didnt want to know because i had no proof of income... this the bank i have been with for 13 years!

I dont know what way the AIB would look at me if i applied for a further loan, im sure it wouldnt be looked upon too favourably given my current outstanding debt so im feeling more increasingly pushed towards a credit loan such as norton finance or one of these companies... i just want to get rid of it once and for all and try to get my life back on track!!! 

i think the only way to get on top of this is to take out a 5 year term loan for the full amount and just bloody work hard... i know im good at my job and will be getting a promotion in a few months which will all be pushed towards clearing this fecking mess i have got myself into!

Still haven't decided what to do about my girlfriend... just so scared of losing her!!


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## mercman

Stop panicing. No matter what you do now, will not change the past. Look forward and be positive. Without my trying to sound cheeky, have you considered a trip to Church. Not a goer myself but from what I hear meant to be a real head clearer. And don't forget GA. The time will come when the air is clear to tell your girlfriend. Hopefully all will be fine and then you will be able to smile and put it down to experience. You are lucky - you fell early.


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## Bronte

OP I'm sorry you are in such a mess but at least you are trying to do something about it.  Before you get into a further mess by getting another loan are you sure you have your gambling under control because your last post doesn't even mention this.  For sure your girlfriend needs to know the truth, she may not want to purchase a house with you if she knows the extent of your gambling, this is the least you owe her and yourself -honesty.


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## dewdrop

i agree with Bronte. OP is probably relieved in some way that he has faced up to his problem and for the present his mind may not be on gambling. from my experience the urge to gamble is one of the strongest of human urges and will take much time to get under control. like alcoholism it is never cured. as previously stated it is vital to keep in contact  with GA. i know of people who make several calls daily in an effort to overcome the urge. the easy availabilty of credid cards is another problem which he alone can control. sorry if i appear a bit negative. you have taken the first important step. wish you well


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## demoivre

Stupid Boy said:


> Hey Folks,
> 
> Thanks for all the comments, no access to askaboutmoney in work so been doing my head in all day
> 
> I made a phone call to my northern account in order to get a loan for the full amount but they didnt want to know because i had no proof of income... this the bank i have been with for 13 years!
> 
> I dont know what way the AIB would look at me if i applied for a further loan, im sure it wouldnt be looked upon too favourably given my current outstanding debt so im feeling more increasingly pushed towards a credit loan such as norton finance or one of these companies... i just want to get rid of it once and for all and try to get my life back on track!!!



From the 12k finance point of view Tesco loans and the [broken link removed] provide loans for refinance purposes with the later giving a decision within an hour during business hours. Take on board what others have said though re. gambling  or a credit account could prolong the inevitable - you penniless in the gutter minus a girlfriend imo.   .


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## Slaphead

Tell your gf the truth but go into therapy first, show her you are doing something serious about it now.


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## truthseeker

stupid boy - while your intentions are good i think you need to sort things out in the correct order and stop trying to put the cart before the horse.

what needs sorting immediately and without delay is the gambling addiction. if that doesnt take priority then no amount of debt fixing is going to help in the long term.

sure the debts need to be sorted out - but the gambling needs attention first else you'll just end up in the same position again.

i disagree with posters suggesting that you hand over your bank cards, cash etc to GF - realistically you need to be independantly in control of this addiction and with all the good intentions in the world someone else cannot take responsibility for your finances else you'll never stand on your own two feet.


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## SillyBilly

I second Truthseekers advice re. not handing over cards etc. to your gf, you need to be able to learn to deal with your addiction yourself.  Attending GA before you approach your gf will probably make her feel more kindly disposed towards you (eg. I've made mistakes but I'm on a road to recovery) and also, proving you are taking steps to deal with it will reassure her she will not end up carrying too much of the burden of your problems.  As everyone else said, for your own sake, first port of call GA and good luck.


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## Jimbojones

First thing you should do if you are gambling online is set limits/blocks on all your credit cards.I know the facility is defo available on Paddy power. That way if you have a moment of weakness you will not be in a position to gamble.


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## mercman

JimboJones, think you are wrong there. If there is an urge to go online leave the limits alone. Simply get rid of the computer and block any online accounts permanantly.


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## Kemo_Sabe

what sort of gambling are you engaging in? what kind of environment (live/online)?


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## dewdrop

with respect i feel it does not matter what type of gambling is involved. as the saying goes..he would gamble on two flies climbing a wall.


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## rmelly

mercman said:


> JimboJones, think you are wrong there. If there is an urge to go online leave the limits alone. Simply get rid of the computer and block any online accounts permanantly.


 
and while you're at it get rid of his mobile phone, his land line, his Sky Digital, his shoes etc.


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## mercman

That is hilarious ....Not. In case you didn't realise, AAM has been requested to assist with a post where there was (hopefully gone) a dreadful problem. It may be wise to offer some advise, ideas or emotional assistance. You never know -- you might be a pussy cat yourself one day.


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## michaelm

Stupid Boy said:


> I know i have gone off on a tangent but i really just dont know where or who to turn to!


You need to take responsibility for you own actions.  You should mentally decouple the gambling problem from the gambling debt; debt is debt.  It's too easy to gamble online/by phone so you should close all such accounts and consider cutting up your credit card and changing your Laser for an ATM only, lest you be tempted to open another betting account.  I suppose it might be useful to go to a GA meeting as has been suggested.  The best way to beat an addiction may be to replace it with another, maybe sport/running, join a gym?  Once you take responsibility and take steps, if it were me, I'd tell her, and if it proves to be a deal breaker then so be it.

BTW. I know a lad who had a major gambling problem, he went into his personnel dept. and told all, they sent him on a two week (full board) course to sort him out; it worked he doesn't bet now, got married/house/kid.


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## Stupid Boy

Hey All,

Once again many thanks for all the advice... 

Just an update of how I'm getting on...

First off I have banned myself from all gambling sites, this is in addition to removing all cards from the sites... I have cut up all credit cards but have kept my debit card.

I have applied for the Rabodirect loan but was turned down owing to the basis i have not built up a large enough credit history in the country... so failing that I have applied for a loan with Tescos... should hear something from them in the next day!

If i am able to secure the refinancing it would be a massive lift off my shoulders but the longer it drags out the less confident I am about the whole thing!


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## Buddyboy

Congratulations on doing something constructive.

However, there is no mention of going to GA.  I agree with other posters in that it is essential to go and confront the problem.

By cutting up the cards etc. you are not addressing the root cause.  Until this is done, there can always be a moment of weakness and you will find a way to gamble.  Then it's back down the slippery slope again.


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## truthseeker

well done stupidboy - but what have you done to address the gambling addiction? - as the previous poster said - you are not addressing the root cause.


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## rmelly

mercman said:


> That is hilarious ....Not. In case you didn't realise, AAM has been requested to assist with a post where there was (hopefully gone) a dreadful problem. It may be wise to offer some advise, ideas or emotional assistance. You never know -- you might be a pussy cat yourself one day.


 
I was not making light of the situation, apologies if anyone took it that way. I was responding to your comment - the solution is not to get rid of his computer as there are so many alternative ways that he could gamble. 

He needs to address the problem, getting rid of his computer is not a solution.


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## Stupid Boy

Sorry folks forgot to mention the main one... I have booked to attend the GA meeting in town after the easter break... hopefully give me time to get the loan and finances in order beforehand...

Tesco loans called yesterday to say they wouldnt be able to offer me a five year term but would consider a three year term to take to the credit board... had no issues with this as itll be the difference of 50 euros a week to me but would anyone be aware of how the application would be judged... i mean would it be normal for a lender to call to ask if you would be prepared to accept a reduced term?


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## dewdrop

re your query about whether someone might call this will not happen without your express permission.  i suspect you are worried your partner may become aware of the proposed loan so bear in mind you will be getting letters in the post re acceptance etc of the loan


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## Buddha

If you are having difficulty getting the Tesco loan try your local credit union.


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## Stupid Boy

Sorry Dewdrop... I think you have misunderstood, I meant could I read anything into the thinking of the credit panel owing to the phonecall, they would have obviously made some preliminary judgement at which the telephone call followed?

In relation to the local credit union, I am not a member of any unfortunately.


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## dewdrop

it would seem to suggest they are prepared to consider your loan application otherwise they would have declined it.  you will know fairly soon i assume. i hope your temptation to gamble is under control and please follow the advice of many to keep in touch with GA. it is really only people who have suffered this or were in close proximity with such a person fully appreciate the absolute need for this course of action so as to ensure there is no relapse. you are not the only one.


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## truthseeker

dewdrop said:


> you are not the only one.



you are not the only one at all - many many people suffer gambling addictions, its absolutely fantastic that you have taken the first and most difficult step - admitting that you have a problem. Best of luck to you, the debts will get sorted and GA will help you stay in recovery from the gambling addiction.


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## Stupid Boy

Folks... just received the call from Tesco to state that the loan application has been declined on this occassion... don't know where else to turn to...

Has anyone got any other suggestions... I really was confident of getting that loan amount... Im gutted!


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## Dutchy07

Hello,

Have you tried Halifax?

A friend of mine was in a similar situation (although owned slightly more) and got a 5 year loan with them?

Best of luck!


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## truthseeker

stupidboy - sorry to hear bout Tesco - can you try any and all loan providers?

Did you get to make a start with GA?


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## Guest114

Stupid Boy, I was in the same boat in terms of the gambling addiction. In my case, it only lasted about three months. I got into it before I got married. It was a lot to do with pre-wedding nerves. I was doing it through a very popular online bookmaker. I wasn't gambling on horses. It was stupid lotto betting. Just after I got married, my wife saw my credit card bill and that's when it all came out. I promised my wife that I would stop. I wrote to the online bookmaker and asked them to close my accounts. I haven't been in a bookies since. I hope you can get through this without treatment. It might be no harm in you making an appointment with an addiction counsellor. I wish you the best of luck mate. I know what it's like.


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## Stupid Boy

Folks...

I bit the bullet last night and told my girlfriend... couldn't believe how understanding she was... she just accepted it as a mistake but is worried that I may relapse so she has taken over the money situation at the moment... This isn't really a big deal for me as I have been wasteful with my money as far back as i can remember... 

She has cleared the AIB loan with her savings and arranged for me to pay 1000 a month on the credit cards until I clear them and work something out with her to pay her back...

I slept last night for the first time in months... I had started to turn to drink to forget which is always a slippery slope but at least I have got the situation under control now and I can get my life back on track... 

Just glad I have got it back now when i'm 23...


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## dtlyn

Fair play to you mate, good stuff on keeping the site updated.

She's a keeper by the way!


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## mercman

Well this is progress. Do not let the drink replace the gambling. Take it easy and reduce the intake to the odd nights, down to the when you have a few bevvies with your girlfriend. Don't mess her about. Hard to get kind understanding women these days. 
I was the first that picked up on your post. I now hope,for all the right reasons, to be one of the last. Hopefully you will be able to change your name to 'Clever Boy' as the Stupid Boy appears to be gone.


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## Blueberry08

mercman said:


> Hard to get kind understanding women these days.


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## Welfarite

Remember though, you're not out of the woods yet but the really hard part has been done:

1. Admitting to your problem and startign to do something about it.
2. Telling your girlfriend and getting her total support.

Keep up the GA, don't think you've beaten it yet! Remember, you thought you ahd before! Don't let yourself or your girlfriend ever get that far apart in honesty terms again. If you can't continue on thios good road you've satrted on your own, she will be ther to help you (by all your accounts).

Hope you have a great future together.


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## truthseeker

Well done Stupid Boy - I really hope it all works out for you, fair play to you for coming clean - thats the hardest part done.

Please be careful with the drink, thats no way to go given you may have an addictive personality - you dont want to be attending both GA and AA!!!

Hope all the best comes out of this for you.


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## moondance

I'm so pleased you told your girlfriend stupidboy, I almost had a tear in my eye when I read your post, it's great that she was so understanding and she's dealing with it and helping you to get sorted. Best of luck with it all.


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## Buddyboy

I'd like to add my congratulations.  It was a very hard thing to come clean with your girlfriend. The fact that she took it like she did and was able to work with you shows you that she thinks you are worth the investment.

I'd suggest that you share the highs and lows with her, and there will be lows. A problem shared etc.

You are right, you are lucky to have another chance at 23.  Make the most of it.


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## Stupid Boy

Folks I can't thank you enough for all your support... I realise it sounds weird given the fact that it's an online forum but it really did give me the strength to tell my girlfriend what had happened... just writing it down here has helped me soo much... so thanks again!!

Just so we all know where i'm at... loan with AIB has been paid off and I will be paying 1,500 of the Bank of Ireland CC next friday... fingers crossed I'll be out of this disaster in 6 months time and can really look forward to life with a nice bonus from work and a pay increase!!!


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## mercman

Clever Boy -- One last job. How about making an honest woman of your girlfriend. She has stood by you !! Maybe time for an engagement ring ? Now that will focus your mind on something completely different, and all for the better. Think about it and the best of luck to you.


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## Stupid Boy

mercman said:


> Clever Boy -- One last job. How about making an honest woman of your girlfriend. She has stood by you !! Maybe time for an engagement ring ? Now that will focus your mind on something completely different, and all for the better. Think about it and the best of luck to you.


 
I can hardly afford to blow my nose at the minute never mind buy an engagement ring...   but yeah it's in the pipeline just going to wait until I get back on my feet and then it'll be full steam ahead... THANKS AGAIN FOLKS!


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## MortgageGuy

addiction is a *****, you need help, for some people its drugs or alcohol but clearly for yout it's gambling, and the thrill of winning is equally as powerful as the pain/thrill of losing, until you break that cycle all the advice in the world won't fix you. 

its a horrible situation, and even if you come clean and give all your money to your GF it won't fix the demons, you need to sort your own head out etc. 

good luck, get into a programme soon and get yourself right


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## mercman

Eh .... MortgageGuy, you're about seven weeks late with your Post. I think at this stage the OP has heard the same from plenty of others and has realised his mistake. No point in keeping blaming him for his weakness.


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## dewdrop

Agree entirely with Mercman. We are all humans.


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