# Office colleague is spreading false rumours and makes snide remarks about me?



## WGT (18 Mar 2009)

Hi,
    I don't know if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway. 

Over the last 6 months or so my job has become very stressful, not the job itself, but the environment. 

A colleague of mine is spreading false rumours about me and make snide remarks to other colleagues. To get straight to the point, he is saying that I'm homosexual. 

I got married recently and occasionally comments have been made about my wife. 

He is very skillful at making comments that can be taken up in more than one way. Therefore I can't really tackle him directly. The real problem for me is that he has someone sitting beside him who he can 'bounce' these comments off. I believe that this is what gives him power. 

If it was just me against him, I would just ignore him. I am keeping a record of the comments and am thinking of presenting them to my manager soon.


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## WaterSprite (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

Being called a homosexual (even if untrue) is not slander.

There may be a case for bullying though - you are right to keep notes - keep them as factual as possible.  Also, you should ask the person to stop making such comments, even if they are mere innuendo.  Then, if they don't stop, head to HR/manager with your notes.


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## z103 (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

He obviously knows this is winding you up.

What I would do is wait until I was alone with him, and ask him on a date. Pass a comment 'like do you work out?' and then ask him if he's free any evening.

If he's homophobic, this'll really freak him out.


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## WGT (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

You know what leghorn that makes a lot of sense, maybe I should just make a laugh of it, although I am worried as to why someone would think that I'm homosexual


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## z103 (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

I would say it's more like turning the tables on him rather than laughing it off. Psychological warfare.

As for the gay thing, who cares? Some people are more effeminate than others, some are straight, bi, etc, etc... Remember, he's only doing it to wind you up.


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## allthedoyles (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

Record it on your mobile as well


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## gearoid (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

It is impossible for someone to know the extent of the bullying behind this from your post.

At the very least it is spiteful and childish. At worst it is a very malevolent form of bullying.

The joke suggestion to ask him out on a date is bizarre. 

He might very well use this in further snide remarks and as "proof".

Take note of all comments along with dates and present to HR if they become unendurable.

No one should have to put up with unwanted comments about their sexuality in a workplace.


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## DavyJones (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

I have a construction background and now spend alot of time in an office albeit not your typical office enviroment. Bullying amongst adults is something I can't fully get my head around.
Whenever I have had a problem with someones attitude I would make it my business to get them alone for a quite chat. If this guy is a bully he will dislike that you fronted up to him. I would set him stairght (forgive the pun) and see what happens. 

Running to HR is a bit of an overreaction at this stage, I would think.


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## z103 (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



> The joke suggestion to ask him out on a date is bizarre.
> He might very well use this in further snide remarks and as "proof".


He's making snide remarks anyway, without 'proof'.

I'm just posting how I would deal with the situation. I'm sure there are hundreds of other ways to deal with it. I, personally, would be against anything that reinforces the perpetrator's assumption that they are 'getting to' the victim.

Just to be clear - he shouldn't ask the perpetrator out on a date as a joke, it has to make the perpetrator really believe he means it for it to have any effect.


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## lynsalot (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

i was bullied in a previous job and it's horrible. you shouldn't have to put up with it and you are right to keep notes. Hoe you deal with it depends on your temperment. Don't worry about overreacting. If ur more comfortable talking to someone else then casually mention it to your manager. They have to take you seriously. If you'd rather confront him then do that 

If he's juvenile enough to comment on you all the time, the chances are he's immature enough to make little of your confrontation and it might only make you feel worse. It depends on both you and him but i would definitely recommend mentioning to your boss... do u have a good relationship with ur manager?


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## galwegian44 (18 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



leghorn said:


> He's making snide remarks anyway, without 'proof'.
> 
> I'm just posting how I would deal with the situation. I'm sure there are hundreds of other ways to deal with it. I, personally, would be against anything that reinforces the perpetrator's assumption that they are 'getting to' the victim.
> 
> Just to be clear - he shouldn't ask the perpetrator out on a date as a joke, it has to make the perpetrator really believe he means it for it to have any effect.


 
This really is the worst possible advice to give this person in his situation, with all due respect. It certainly seems that the 'bully' is the stronger character here and he could easily turn the tables by accepting the date (what would our poster do then) or just using it as proof that he was correct all along.

Personally I would ignore the bully totally but if he wants to confront the situation then first of all confront the bully in a relaxed but firm manner. If this doesn't work then collect the evidence and take it to your manager as directed by the other posters. But by all means, do NOT ask him out on a date.

Good Luck


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## WGT (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

Thanks everyone for your replies,
    I didn't think something like this would affect me as much. I suppose it's the fact that someone is maliciously painting an incorrect picture of me to others. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being homosexual, but it would probably be easier for me to deal with the comments if I was homosexual. Just to give another example, my wife and I are due to be parents later in the year. Of course, the bully had to throw in his tuppence worth by saying (in front of everyone), "Oh how did you manage that?", to which I replied "Sure, I'll draw you a diagram". He then replied "Please do".
I know this probably sounds as if I'm very sensitive, but it's one comment after another, I'm in a stressful job to begin with, without having to deal with this.


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## ninsaga (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

One possible approach - if he made ref to you being gay in the company of others - even in the slightest or indirect way would be to counter him on the spot with a comment like....'ya know I am not gay by the way...but if I was would that make you uncomfortable? Do you have a thing against gays? Did something happen to you in the past that you want to share with us all...'cause you seem to have some issues with this topic?" This may invariably show up small mindedness on his part in front of others whilst at the same time putting you in a strong position among your peers.

You need to be strong & confident naturally conveying this.... all with a smile on your face at the same time of course....


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## Mommah (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

WGT sorry you're dealing with this. It is very stressful!
Just to let you know what my 15 yo nephew explained to me about bullying amongst teenage boys these days.
He said if you have any obvious features they will pick on that...but if you are Mr. Average, the default insult is to call you gay.

So sounds like this guy hangs out with alot of teenage boys.
He is pathetic and really and truly you should not worry about people believing you are gay....people really don't care.

You're reactions might be feeding his "fun".

Is there someone in the office who you could talk it through with ....who might help you come up with a strategy? It might be a boss or a colleague...preferably someone who knows mr juvenile too.


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## Smashbox (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

You'll have to start thinking of your own comebacks.. if he says something about you being gay.. ask him does he fancy you or something? 

I really feel for you in this situation. You obviously can't 'take' the ribbing your getting and perhaps its harsher on you than what people on here are thinking. People have a threshold and perhaps yours is just lower than others.

If you feel that this guy is bullying you, you need to sort it. Slander doesnt really come into it, the guy just seems to like winding you up. You're a weak target, as he has kept it up. Do you have someone over you other than a manager? Is your manager approachable? Perhaps you could have a quiet word in someones ear, explaining that its making you uncomfortable and you find it very hard to be in the same room as this guy.


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## rgfuller (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

Take a look at the very good advice here: http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/employment/equality-in-work/bullying_in_the_workplace


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## MandaC (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



DavyJones said:


> I have a construction background and now spend alot of time in an office albeit not your typical office enviroment. Bullying amongst adults is something I can't fully get my head around.
> Whenever I have had a problem with someones attitude I would make it my business to get them alone for a quite chat. If this guy is a bully he will dislike that you fronted up to him. I would set him stairght (forgive the pun) and see what happens.
> 
> Running to HR is a bit of an overreaction at this stage, I would think.



Definitely 100% with DavyJones on this one.   Take him to one side and tell him you dont like his attitude and it stops here.


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## Padraigb (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

I don't agree with suggestions about attempting witty verbal ripostes; it doesn't seem to be WGT's type of territory. Besides, in a way, it is sanctioning bad behaviour.

So far as he can manage it, WGT should try not to let such idiotic stuff get to him. Remember, nobody is made a worse person because somebody else says stupid things. Even more important, the bully should not be rewarded by seeing his remarks hit home.

I suggest a more structured type of response. Make notes of all exchanges.
1. Start at a low level: if an unwelcome comment is made, point out calmly that such remarks are inappropriate in the workplace, or between work colleagues. 
2. If one or two such responses do not work, then escalate a small amount by prefacing with "I told you before that...". 
3. Next escalation: add "I'll have to consider what to do about it". 
4. Next: "You are forcing me to take this further" [Note: you are now placing the onus on the bully.]
5. If necessary, take it further. Do not approach the manager as a victim (some managers are very bad at dealing with that) but point out that your colleague is behaving inappropriately.


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## AlbacoreA (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



MandaC said:


> Definitely 100% with DavyJones on this one.   Take him to one side and tell him you dont like his attitude and it stops here.



+1. Tell him to stop the comments. That simple. Don't discuss it. I would ignore all comments of the same nature from now on. Be professional. Responding to comments drags you to his level. Which is what they want. If it doesn't stop talk to your HR person.


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## AlbacoreA (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



Padraigb said:


> I don't agree with suggestions about attempting witty verbal ripostes; it doesn't seem to be WGT's type of territory. Besides, in a way, it is sanctioning bad behaviour.
> 
> So far as he can manage it, WGT should try not to let such idiotic stuff get to him. Remember, nobody is made a worse person because somebody else says stupid things. Even more important, the bully should not be rewarded by seeing his remarks hit home.
> 
> ...



Why do all that. Just tell them once. Stop all the comments, or I'll make a formal complaint. An adult doesn't need three chances.


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## Padraigb (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



AlbacoreA said:


> Why do all that. Just tell them once. Stop all the comments, or I'll make a formal complaint. An adult doesn't need three chances.



Because 
- OP has let it run for six months
- many of the remarks are ambiguous, and it might be that no one on its own would amount to an infraction
- OP has at least once allowed himself be drawn into a verbal exchange on this character's terms
- some adults do need a number of chances before getting the message
- moving a matter like this into formal procedure is difficult for the complainant as well as for the offender.


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## AlbacoreA (19 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



Padraigb said:


> Because
> - OP has let it run for six months
> - many of the remarks are ambiguous, and it might be that no one on its own would amount to an infraction
> - OP has at least once allowed himself be drawn into a verbal exchange on this character's terms
> ...



Thats exactly why hes shouldn't do it. 

Its getting into verbal exchanges again.


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## buzybee (28 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

I think the bully is jealous of you.  You are newly married and due to be parents later on this year.  Sometimes the bully can be jealous when they see a person who they consider to be 'quiet' or lower than them (i.e. uncool) getting on well in life.

If you say nothing/go subdued/put a face on when the bully makes remarks, then he knows he is getting to you.

The right thing to do is to laugh at him. People, (esp. ones who consider themselves cool, hate being laughed at.  When he makes a remark, you could say X is at it again, laugh and ask him if he wants to say anything else.  Then you could say that his remark is inappropriate while laughing at him. 

I have been bullied in the past, because I am quiet.  Laughing at the bully and reminding yourself that they are jealous of you, is the best medicine.


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## car (30 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



> Why do all that. Just tell them once. Stop all the comments, or I'll make a formal complaint. An adult doesn't need three chances.



Agreed with this.  Catch him on his own, make him aware that youre not happy with the comments and feel that even though you know he may be only joking youre not happy about the comments and request he stop.   

Lots of offices have banter between several people, sometimes just two as it appears in this case, he may not see it as bullying though.  Your earlier post about the "draw a a diagram" looks like he wants to be seen to be quick witted so it indeed may be just banter thats got out of control, but he really only needs one warning from you.


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## Complainer (30 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



buzybee said:


> The right thing to do is to laugh at him. People, (esp. ones who consider themselves cool, hate being laughed at.  When he makes a remark, you could say X is at it again, laugh and ask him if he wants to say anything else.  Then you could say that his remark is inappropriate while laughing at him.
> 
> I have been bullied in the past, because I am quiet.  Laughing at the bully and reminding yourself that they are jealous of you, is the best medicine.


Poor advice. Laughing will be used against you when things go official. You can't expect a bully to take you seriously if you are laughing about it.


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## annR (31 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

Maybe you could roll it all into one?  Make fun of him, tell him to stop and threaten him all at the same time.  Point out casually that he seems so fixated on you being gay that you're beginning to think he's gay himself and he fancies you or something?  Then say well you're not gay and if it continues you'll take it as sexual harassment.  Sexual harassment is a very serious matter these days.


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## annR (31 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

WGT, what does it matter if you are starting a new job on the 6th of April?
http://www.askaboutmoney.com/showthread.php?t=107942


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## Complainer (31 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*



annR said:


> Maybe you could roll it all into one? Make fun of him, tell him to stop and threaten him all at the same time. Point out casually that he seems so fixated on you being gay that you're beginning to think he's gay himself and he fancies you or something?


Again, poor advice. This is a workplace, not a schoolyard. The OP should make his concerns known directly and clearly. Laughs and giggles will cause confusion, and may be used in evidence against the OP  at a later stage.


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## MrMan (31 Mar 2009)

*Re: Office Innuendo Slander*

If he thought you were gay he wouldn't say it. It is a wind up and if you are not the type that can give it back you are going to have to muster up the courage to address him seriously in front of staff or possibly the boss along the lines of 'if you comment about my wife or sex life in public again you will force me to take things further'. My own line would be 'hey x thanks again for last night you really are a dark horse'.


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