# BF Unemployed for the last 2 years



## EmmaJane (30 Nov 2007)

Hi All,
I need advice. 

My BF has been unemployed for the last 2 years. We have been together 1.5 yrs. He doesnt have any college or courses behind him. 

He has worked as a Security Man in the past, working CCTV. And he has worked in a small factory, but that was 10 years ago. 

I've tried my best to encourage him to get some work because he has sent out his CV for a good few jobs in the last 1.5 yr, and to no avail. 

Is there anything you would recommend him to do to help himself get a job, to be honest, I need someone stable for the future.

I have my own house,car,and good job.


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## beautfan (30 Nov 2007)

_"I need someone stable for the future. I have my own house,car,and good job and boyfriend unemployed 2 years"_ doesn't add up to me and the word freeloader keeps popping into my head.  I may be jumping to conclusions though.  He should go to FAS and see if there are any courses he could do - and he should do not you.


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## Mar123 (30 Nov 2007)

Jobs Clubs, run by Fas, have facilitators to help with C.V's and interview preparation. I think they also have career guidance councillors, which might help give insight into career direction, and training opportunities. Its also a free service.


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## EmmaJane (30 Nov 2007)

I know, he works p-time with a guy and earns about 150 into his hand, plus he has his dole.. so he has about 330 euro a week, and thats easy money, for doing nothing, and he has justified his not working by earning this money. Id love to see him working, and having a great career like i have.. Im embaressed when my friends asked me in the past about him not working. i just said he was working.. terrible of me to be covering him, but i just think he doesnt know where to start again


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## z103 (30 Nov 2007)

Sounds to me like he's not interested in getting a job, and why should he get one when he's getting €330/week?

In the last few years Ireland has practically zero unemployment (apart from 'unemployable'). If he can't get a job it's because he doesn't want one.

You have an up hill struggle ahead of you I'm afraid.


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## EmmaJane (30 Nov 2007)

I know, and you are quiet right.. Secondly he lives at home with the parents, but thats because they are ill. Id love for him to move in with me and help with my mortgage, but without a job, is a no-no. Why should he give up his 330 p.w for doing nothing, for doing something, that might pay less, and he has to work.It causes awful arguments between us sometimes.. my parents are freaking out with me over it.. Any other suggestions welcomed please.. thanks...


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## Flymask (30 Nov 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> Any other suggestions welcomed please.. thanks...



A new boyfriend, perhaps? It's sounds as if you're on that road that leads nowhere, i.e. trying to change someone.


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## EmmaJane (30 Nov 2007)

Flymask said:


> A new boyfriend, perhaps? It's sounds as if you're on that road that leads nowhere, i.e. trying to change someone.


We'll i love the bones of him,and vice-versa, i just want him to get on in life. i dont want to struggle if i was to be with him long-term.ie rest of my days..i havent forced his hand over the last 1.5 yrs, and i dont really want to now. But i cant keep going on working hard myself, when my BF doesnt even work..


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## celticsteven (30 Nov 2007)

Does he have a full b driving licence?


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## EmmaJane (30 Nov 2007)

No only his provisional.. He doesnt even have a car, and im the fool that drives him around, or picks him up.. he says he has no interest in getting a car, because the insurance will be too high. He's 28yo by the way...


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## celticsteven (30 Nov 2007)

You have your hands full there, if he has the get up and go tell him to apply for driving test and hopefully pass test, then do his theroy D test quite simple if you study for it i got 40 outta 40. Apply for Dublin bus with excellent starting rates and they train you for you full D licence. Average take home after 6 months with a bit of overtime (optional) 620 euro. Pension and all the usual benefits. Anyone could do it.


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## EmmaJane (30 Nov 2007)

thanks for that advice.. much appreciated..


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## redbhoy (30 Nov 2007)

Sounds like a lazy freeloader to me. Although he is earning something and may pay towards the bills, I fear you two are two birds flying in opposite directions. You want the stable secure future and seem to have plenty of ambition while he is happy as is. This will undoubtedly cause friction at some stage. 
But if you's are happy as is well then why change it? Maybe its his laid back attitude that you find attractive about him. But Id say after a while that'll look more like a lazy attitude and the reason you fell for him will be the reason you fall from him??


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## celticsteven (30 Nov 2007)

Other than that start to give him a wide berth maybe he will get the message and get off his This post will be deleted if not edited to remove bad language and do something about it.


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## Harlequin (30 Nov 2007)

Does he have any long-term goals? Does he know what he'd like to do with his life? Pardon the cliché, but where does he see himself in five years time? Still living at home with the folks, using his girlfriend as his personal chauffeur, contributing nothing?

He needs motivation, badly. The longer he's unemployed, the less likely he is to want to work, especially doing something that doesn't interest him. If he's got enough money to get by on without a job, it's not likely he'd be interested in minimum wage shelf-stacking 40 hours a week for very little more than he's getting now.

OK, he sounds like a total loser to us but he must have some good qualities and you are in love with him after all! But it's a bad situation when you feel he isn't being a partner to you and where you're feeling ashamed of him. Maybe you need to sit down with him and honestly explain that you love him but you can't see yourself with someone lazy and unmotivated who can't contribute to a shared future together, so he needs to do something with his life or you don't feel it will last.

It's a very difficult and delicate situation. Maybe he really needs you to motivate him before he can change his life. Or maybe he's just a lazy sod who will never change! You need to find out. 

He could do a course, get some training, learn some skills and get a job or an apprenticeship or something. Or maybe just get a job, any job while he figures out what he wants to do. But he needs a reason to change - he clearly isn't going to do it on his own. 

Good luck!!


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## Flymask (30 Nov 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> But i cant keep going on working hard myself, when my BF doesnt even work..



Of course you can!! The other option would be to go down the route your boyfriend seems to be taking. Don't do that to yourself! You've had the get-up-and-go to get your own house, car, career in order & well done to you for that. You just have to ensure that he doesn't enjoy all the benefits of all your hard work. But the initiative has to come from *him. *He's old enough to be able to explore the employment/training opportunities for himself. 

If you really wanted to provide a good kick up the a**e, you could make a quick call to the dole office about the 150 a week he's getting into his hand. I imagine they'd have him in for an interview to discuss the efforts that he's making to find a job fairly quickly!


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## Harlequin (30 Nov 2007)

Flymask said:


> If you really wanted to provide a good kick up the a**e, you could make a quick call to the dole office about the 150 a week he's getting into his hand. I imagine they'd have him in for an interview to discuss the efforts that he's making to find a job fairly quickly!


 
HA! I thought of that myself but didn't want to be cruel!!


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## queenlex (30 Nov 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> Why should he give up his 330 p.w for doing nothing, for doing something, that might pay less, and he has to work.


 
b/c he is doing it illegally?


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## queenlex (30 Nov 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> No only his provisional.. He doesnt even have a car, and im the fool that drives him around, or picks him up.. he says he has no interest in getting a car, because the insurance will be too high. He's 28yo by the way...


 
he has a point here plus if you're in dublin you dont need a car in my opinion.


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## jazzhead (1 Dec 2007)

love will find a way!


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## pc7 (1 Dec 2007)

don't mean to be cruel but kick him to the curb. Picture a future you working full time him like rab c nesbit on the sofa a dole bludger! If you have children what kind of work ethic will he pass on. You sound like a hard worker with ambitions, you deserve someone you can build a future with, love and have the funds for some nice treats in life like holidays etc. If your working all the time when do you get a holiday its not like he can bring you for a treat!  Love won't keep you alive!


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## Mr Toad (1 Dec 2007)

Previous posters said it all.  Unemployed, feckless dole cheat, who you currently support and who still lives at home with his parents.  Quite a catch!


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## my2leftfeet (1 Dec 2007)

You deserve better. Sounds like he has little respect for himself and much as I don't like to say it ... for you too.  Only he can get himself out of the rut he is in. You are his girlfriend - not his mother. Consider cutting ties ... it would be difficult at the beginning but 6 months down the road I could nearly guarantee you would look back and say "why did I put up with it for so long?".


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## dh0661 (1 Dec 2007)

@ 28 - has no job ! - no car ! - no ambition --------- get rid


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## shipibo (1 Dec 2007)

Sounds like your boyfriend is a full time carer for his parents, this he can look to claim.

If you find your boyfriend an embarrassment , and think your friends will have a low opinion of you because of him, your decision is simple.

Get new friends , or a new boyfriend


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## stir crazy (1 Dec 2007)

dh0661 said:


> @ 28 - has no job ! - no car ! - no ambition --------- get rid



He does work however it is in the black economy.So all is not so hopeless as some might have suggested because this fact means he is at least capable of work. 

However working this way is not good for his  future as I cant see much chance of promotion or pay increases further down the road hes on. Perhaps you need to get him to admit that hes walking down a dead end ? If he got a tax paying job he might find himself earning double what hes getting now in  a few or less than 5 years. Also he will have a non contributory pension in the pipeline. Does he really want to be dodging the social welfare and taxman even when hes  a pensioner ?

If he doesnt work for long enough there are schemes which might incentivise him to get an education, start a business or go back to work.
I think roughly , (and theres people at this forum who know more about this than I ), theres the back to education , back to work and back to work enterprise allowances which allows you to work while keeping most or all of your payment and also keep the medical card and benefits for 4 years. Theres also a revenue scheme somewhere which means less taxes for the long term unemployed. I think that if you are ever going to persuade him to do the right thing you will need to talk about the bad points of the trap hes in and also the good points/incentives of getting out of it.
Picking on the fact he doesnt have a car isnt really something we should be encouraging. Its' just a meaningless status symbol and if he has one he should have it, not to please others but because he wants or needs it and maybe sometimes it would be nice if he could drive you somewhere instead of the other way around. However its not unreasonable to expect him to take some driving lessons and get his licence  to make himself more employable. He might even drive a taxi and be self employed if he doesnt have the personality to fit into a formal work arrangement with suit and tie etc. 
I'm impressed  that you are both in love with one another but if one partner isnt pulling his or her weight in a relationship love can quickly turn to resentment and a feeling of being used. Also ask him where he sees himself in 5 years time. married or living together with or without kids? Also ask yourself that same question . You might get a surprise or a shock if he thinks life in 5 years time will be the same as it is now (him  still living at his parents etc) and reevaluate your idea of what love is.


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## SOM42 (2 Dec 2007)

queenlex said:


> he has a point here plus if you're in dublin you dont need a car in my opinion.


 
Yes but a full licence is a fairly handy thing to have when you are looking for a job..This guy is a waster who looks like will never get off his behind.  There are plenty of jobs out there for anyone willing to do a bit of hard work.  If this guy hasn't got himself sorted by the time he is 28 he never will.


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## annR (3 Dec 2007)

When he is at home with his parents does he actually care for them, do any cooking / house work? Or does his Mum do everything for him?

I admire you for recognising that there is a problem here and for considering your future.  It's not easy especially when you're in love but you do have to look to the future.  He needs to grow up big time but at the moment there is no incentive for him to do so.  He's just going to stay the way he is.  Ask him if he intends to be earning the same money in 10 years time.


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## truthseeker (3 Dec 2007)

whatever about him asking himself where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years time, youve got to ask yourself where you see YOU being ina similiar timeframe.

Is this guy gonna be an option for you buying a house together, getting married, having babies - or will you be supporting him all the way through? Is this what you want for yourself in life? Im not suggesting that he support you but he should at least be able to pay his own way.

Plus - if he has no ambition now, at 28 years of age, where is that gonna go in the next few years? Do you see him suddenly getting his act together and getting a job, making his way in the world? or is he likely to just float along.

as regards you giving him lifts around the place - its very difficult to stand on your own two feet if someone else is always holding you up - is your behaviour enabling his behaviour? are you making life too easy for him? not many girls would stand for him being lazy and not working, are you just helping him along by not making a stand?


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## paddi22 (3 Dec 2007)

You can't love someone if you want them to change. 

Real love is accepting the way someone is. It's going to be rough on you if you spend energy trying to change him - he will probably end up resenting you for controlling him. 

You sound very intelligent, energetic and passionate about life - you deserve to find someone who excites and challenges you, instead of trying to make someone into something they aren't.


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## West (3 Dec 2007)

Its nice to see everyone in this thread with their noses in the air, ewwww he dosent work hes a waste of skin etc. Anyone remember the 80's? theirs more to life then working and its nice to see everyone on this board has no problems of their own whatsoever and life is just so wonderful for them.
Obviously your BF has more underlying issues, that alot of men go through at some part in their life usually from an over active social life in their younger years, lack of confidence, selfworth etc, you know what im getting at. im pretty sure you've spoke to him about this before and its not something thats just happened over night, im in a similar perdiciment myself having not worked in a couple of years and it aint nothing nice i can assure you
My girlfriend gives me nothing but support and never pressures me into anything, not saying thats a good or bad thing, but i dont ask her for ****, and by the sounds of things neither does your BF. When he's ready he will step up to the plate, if you cant wait, move on


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## gearoid (3 Dec 2007)

Is there a possibility that BF has some sort of depression? Just a thought but it's something that might explain the lethargy and lack of focus.


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## EmmaJane (3 Dec 2007)

to be honest, he never asks me for a penney.. after i pay all my bills, ie.. car insurance, life assurance,tax,grocerys,esb,gas,etc + mortgage etc.. he nearly has more money each week in his pocket than i do.. He even treats me.. i keep telling myself, that at least i have a roof over my head, and its all mine, and my car is mine also..We have had arguments over the last few mths, over this.. i dont want to hassle him, but i want more for the future. His sister died last year, and it threw him into a major depression for the last 12 months, and to be honest looking for a job took a back seat to everything else.. Now he is starting to come around, and i have said that i want him to do a FAS course even.. Hopefully it will get him somewhere. By the way, he's a kind,sweet generous person,who still kisses his ma leavin the house. His confidence isnt the best, he thinks he's not good enough for any job. I have tried to help him with this, but i dont know how effective i am..


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## terrysgirl33 (3 Dec 2007)

TBH, I know men like this, and I know they have issues to deal with, but it gets a bit old when you hit your 40s and are the breadwinner (I don't mean the highest earner, but the only earner) and you can't afford to take time off with the kids.  Of course he's a good person, of course he has issues to deal with, but is that enough to make him your life partner instead of a good friend?

Edited to add, do you think he has issues with alcohol or other drugs?  One of the effects of this is that the person stops maturing at the age they start using, so you end up with 28/38/48 year olds living at home and working for pocket money, just like teenagers.

This is all based on my experiance and not really on your boyfriend, as I don't know him.


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## EmmaJane (3 Dec 2007)

No he's def not interested in any drugs, and he rarely drinks.. He has told me that he sees a future for the two of us, and he knows he has to find a job, or at the very least, do a course to get him started. I helped him with his CV a couple of weeks ago, he applied for a couple of jobs, but to no avail. he didnt even get interviews. that makes him feel slightly hopeless, as he has it in his head already that he's not good enough..


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## pc7 (4 Dec 2007)

west I think you comment about the 80s is a different situation I remember my dad not being able to get work (carpenter) during the 80's. My mam was a civil servant so we were lucky my dad used to do nixers, my mam would knit jumpers and sell them, but he was constantly looking for work. The 80's were tight but they tried their best to work its very different to now when there is plenty of work but he chooses not too.


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## truthseeker (4 Dec 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> No he's def not interested in any drugs, and he rarely drinks.. He has told me that he sees a future for the two of us, and he knows he has to find a job, or at the very least, do a course to get him started. I helped him with his CV a couple of weeks ago, he applied for a couple of jobs, but to no avail. he didnt even get interviews. that makes him feel slightly hopeless, as he has it in his head already that he's not good enough..


 
What was his last job and how/why did he leave it?

In your opinion what might he be good at doing? manual labour? retail? telesales? barman? security? apprenticeship?


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## Welfarite (4 Dec 2007)

He should talk to the Facilitator in the local Social Welfare Office, who might be able to point him in the right direction regarding course/self-esteem building, getting him job-ready.

The "black economy" job is actually holding him back a lot, I would think. He is not insured if anything happens to him on the job. He cannot speak frankly to FAS, Sw or Revenue when it comes to changing a job. He may not be buyilding up any entitlements to a pension as he is not paying PRSI. 

This, IMHO, is why he is trapped where he is and bringing you into the hole with him.


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## CMCR (4 Dec 2007)

Welfarite provides some wise advice above. While this man thinks he is benefitting by working on the black economy and claiming his payment, in reality, the part-time work just boosts his social welfare payment and allow him to keep the lifestyle he has. 

Working part-time work shows he capable of working for a wage, but it's unlikely he's getting any new skills that could help him secure full-time employment and move off social welfare. 

In addition, having been unemployed for 2 years, his confidence in applying for work has probably been affected, so thinking about changing his situation is probably too overwhelming. 

I agree that he should have a word with the Jobs Facilitator in his local social welfare office. Their role is to encourage clients to return to employment. They can look at his skills and put him in touch with other training and education providers who can assist with upskilling, etc. He may also find that he can retain his social welfare payment/benefits while he is undergoing training. 

It's all very well of course talking about supports, training, payments and social welfare if the bottom line is this person doesn't want to return to employment or take the first steps themselves. At 28 years of age, there really is no reason why this man should not be in work, unless of course, there are other underlying issues. 

You mentioned he suffered from serious depression last year; it is possible that this may still be affecting him and if so, shouldn't be underestimated. Depression following bereavement is very common and there are a range of bereavement counselling services available nationally who may be able to help. (Or, his GP may be able to advise on a counselling service in his area). It might also be worth contacting AWARE who provide support services for those affected by depression in his area. 

This is a horrible situation for you to be in but hopefully the advice you have received here on AAM will help achieve a happy outcome for both of you.


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## shipibo (4 Dec 2007)

I agree with west, a lot of negativity on this thread...

Sisters death must have been hard, and needs support to get over this, friends, you , maybe professional counselling ....


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## EmmaJane (4 Dec 2007)

crumdub12 said:


> I agree with west, a lot of negativity on this thread...
> 
> Sisters death must have been hard, and needs support to get over this, friends, you , maybe professional counselling ....


 

Yes it was very hard on him.. esp when it was sudden.. and she has left 2 babies behind her, of which they are also living in the house,with the parents and my boyfriend.. he felt he was needed at home for the last couple of years. He did go to Bereavement Councelling a couple of times, but the councellor left and we dont know where she went to.. Complicated i know..


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## Calico (5 Dec 2007)

Deleted post.


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## gearoid (5 Dec 2007)

EmmaJane,
I think you didn't give enough information in your first post. A lot of people rushed to judgement. Depression struck me the first time I read your post. Your subsequent explanations would seem to confirm that it is at least a strong possibility. Medical advice and counselling are a far better bet than askaboutmoney.com as everything you've said about him would seem to indicate that he wants to be a provider but has confidence issues. His current situation doesn't help. Best wishes but don't expect miracle answers from people who don't know the full details. In reading the posts again, I have hope for you as he seems to be someone genuine with issues rather than the waster he has been painted as by those who don't know him or the situation.

Gearoid


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## EmmaJane (5 Dec 2007)

gearoid said:


> EmmaJane,
> II have hope for you as he seems to be someone genuine with issues rather than the waster he has been painted as by those who don't know him or the situation.
> 
> Gearoid


 

Thank you, he is NOT a waster. Just a person stuck in a rut, grieving, who loves me.. I just want the best for him and I for the future.. thats the bones of it.. My main questions were about different courses or avenues that he could explore to help him get back on the job scene after everything..


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## Luckycharm (6 Dec 2007)

Hmm sounds a bit similar to an uncle of mine - not sure he was stuck in a rut but basically he is 63 never had a proper job in his life and is still looked after by his 89 yr old mother   Even his 5/6 year old grandnieces/nephews have no real respect for him.


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## annR (6 Dec 2007)

What kind of jobs has he been applying for and did he ever get any feedback about why he was rejected?


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## bamboozle (6 Dec 2007)

Dare I suggest that if he is in a rut and is finding work hard to come by maybe he should consider doing voluntary work for one of the many short staffed charities in each local community, it would be of huge benefit, firstly getting him out of bed and the house (idle mind tempts the devil and all that) plus it would be a great boost to the social skills while also would look very good on a cv.
Many employers tend to be put off if someone is unemployed, at least this way he’d be able to indicate in future interviews that he is contributing in a voluntary capacity.


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## bb12 (7 Dec 2007)

wow! thought i was reading something on an american website when reading through some of the replies on this thread! since when did a guy who is on the dole become a 'loser'...very much an americanism...and not the nice part of american society. 

everybody seems to be coming down very hard on this guy. i actually think its the poster who has the problem!! and in my view, i think the poor guy involved here would be better off without a such a girlfriend who would allow him to be slagged off as he has been above!


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## paddi22 (7 Dec 2007)

The dole is supposed to be a temporary measure to help people out between jobs or when they fall on hard times. No-one has any problem with a person who goes on the doel by necessity - why people are annoyed is cause the guy is claiming benefits and also received cash in hand without paying taxes. I'm sure a lot of people would love to do this but maturity and responsibility mean that most people face up to the fact that they have to pay taxes.


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## csirl (7 Dec 2007)

The problem is that he gets everything he needs from those around him. Mother feeds and houses him, you drive him, dole office gives him pocket money, you provide your place for private moments etc. He will not change unless it is forced upon him.

The only thing that will sort this guy out is an ultimatum. You need to find out if he wants the same future as you. You need to say to him that both of you are going to aim to buy a house within next 2-3 years and then get married, kids etc. For this to happen, he needs to get a full time job and start saving. You need to be cruel to be kind. You need to ease of seeing him - tell him that you will only see him e.g. once a week, until such time as he gets a job and that in the meantime, if someone better comes along for you, then he's history.

Apart from finding out whether this guy is actually interested in being in a life long relationship, the above will also help you find out who the most important woman in his life is - you? or his mother? And you have to be prepared for the worst - maybe you are not the most important thing in his life.

I've seen this go both ways. Sister of a good friend of mine was with one of these losers until into her 30s. In the end, sitting at home, playing video games and being fed by his mother was more important to him than the relationship, so he got the bullet. However, it worked out well for a guy I went to school with. After years of sloth, he actually got a full time job and after working for a couple of years, the couple got an apartment and got engaged. His self confidence also raised and he's a different person now who wouldnt think of lazing about all day.


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## stir crazy (7 Dec 2007)

bb12 said:


> wow! thought i was reading something on an american website when reading through some of the replies on this thread! since when did a guy who is on the dole become a 'loser'...very much an americanism...and not the nice part of american society.
> 
> everybody seems to be coming down very hard on this guy. i actually think its the poster who has the problem!! and in my view, i think the poor guy involved here would be better off without a such a girlfriend who would allow him to be slagged off as he has been above!



Come on ! Not every post has been slagging him off. Certainly not my post. Whatever his problem is, its become the Op's problem too.  I see a balanced set of  different viewpoints based upon the drip feeding of information by the OP. 
I think its more like frustration that someone is letting his life slip away than anything else.  He is working part time therefore he is employable. He has potential. QED.  But he is not working as smart as he could be. Its' ok to judge someones behaviour , it doesnt automatically mean we condemn the person. I'd leave that to a higher power.


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## gillarosa (7 Dec 2007)

bb12 said:


> everybody seems to be coming down very hard on this guy. i actually think its the poster who has the problem!! and in my view, i think the poor guy involved here would be better off without a such a girlfriend who would allow him to be slagged off as he has been above!


 
I have to agree. Not to be too hard on you Emma Jane but there is an underlying neediness in your posts and you appear to be placing demands on a person who may not be in a position to meet them, not due to any inherent inadequacy on his behalf but because he has family and emotional pressures to deal with himself. Its not his or any other persons responsibility to help you pay your mortgage or meet your working and bill commitments, its yours.


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## annR (7 Dec 2007)

gillarosa said:


> I have to agree. Not to be too hard on you Emma Jane but there is an underlying neediness in your posts and you appear to be placing demands on a person who may not be in a position to meet them, not due to any inherent inadequacy on his behalf but because he has family and emotional pressures to deal with himself. Its not his or any other persons responsibility to help you pay your mortgage or meet your working and bill commitments, its yours.


 
I don't agree with this at all.  She is not placing demands on him, in fact the opposite, she is making no demands at all and facilitating him.  She is meeting her own commitments no problem and I don't think she needs a talking to about that.  The problem is, she is worried whether he will meet his commitments should they plan a future together, should they become parents eventually.  She has not personally attacked him and called him lazy, just wants to know what she can do.  No woman wants to be looking into a future where she has kids and a husband who is not able to look after himself never mind anyone else.  Of course he may change but that is what she is trying to help him with.


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## csirl (7 Dec 2007)

> Its not his or any other persons responsibility to help you pay your mortgage or meet your working and bill commitments, its yours.


 
I dont fully agree. The pair have been in a relationship fro the past 1.5 years. Its now reached the make or break stage whereby they should thinking more long term. If they are to be in a long term permanent relationship, living together, kids etc., then it is BOTH of their responsibilities to meet any commitments, not just the OP. You cant have a successful relationship whereby the selfishness of one party (e.g. deciding not to work) puts undue pressure on the other party. 



> Is there anything you would recommend him to do to help himself get a job, to be honest, I need someone stable for the future.
> 
> I have my own house,car,and good job.


 
This is the OPs original question. The OP is not placing unreasonable demands on him - she is only asking that he do what would be expected of any reasonable person in his situation. The fact that he cant do what would be reasonably expected of a normal person isnt necessarily the OPs fault. I'd guess that anyone in a relationship with him would face the same problem with him, though I would accept that most would have given him the boot long before 1 1/2 years.

As things stand, this fellow isnt capable of being in a long term stable relationship full stop. He is not able/willing to support a partner or family. He cannot even support himself. Dare I say that he is probably more dependant on his mother than she is on him? There is not much the OP can do about this - he has to change to become eligible for a long term relationship. If he's not willing or able to change within the very near future, then no matter how nice a person he is, there is nothing the OP can do, he's just "not available" for a relationship - almost to the same degree that someone who is married is also unavailable.


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## gillarosa (7 Dec 2007)

annR said:


> I don't agree with this at all. She is not placing demands on him, in fact the opposite, she is making no demands at all and facilitating him. She is meeting her own commitments no problem and I don't think she needs a talking to about that. The problem is, she is worried whether he will meet his commitments should they plan a future together, should they become parents eventually. She has not personally attacked him and called him lazy, just wants to know what she can do. No woman wants to be looking into a future where she has kids and a husband who is not able to look after himself never mind anyone else. Of course he may change but that is what she is trying to help him with.


 
If you read the posts you will see the patern. Apart from the fact that we have been drip-fed explanations that may explain better the man's predicament and in fact led by her ommisions to some posters writing very negative and uninformed opinions on one post the OP states that she would like him to move out of his family home where he is staying to look after his parents who are unwell and move in with her to "help pay my mortgage". On another she ponders why she she should works and pay her bills when he doesn't.  He was unemployed and living at home when they met, my perception is that her perogitives have changed and she wants his to.


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## terrysgirl33 (7 Dec 2007)

While your bf has been through a lot, he still needs to act like an adult.  When his counsellor moved on, did he try to find another?  His GP should know where to find one, and I know our local church has some kind of grief counselling available.  I am so sorry he lost his sister, and good for him for helping to raise her kids, but why is he not working?  Unfortunately I know a good few people who have been bereaved this year, and no-one has stopped working because of it, though some have taken extended leave.  

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, he really has been through a lot, but he needs to act like an adult.  This comes from seeing a few people I know, still living at home in their 40s.  It's not pretty.

Edited to add, I know we don't know the full facts, and that some important information was posted after the start of the thread, but the facts are still the same, he isn't able to support himself, and it's reasonable for the OP to want him to move in with her, plan a family together in the long term.  He seems to be unavailable to do that (this is based on what is posted, and may be completely wrong, but it's what I think)


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## Mar123 (7 Dec 2007)

```
he lives at home with the parents, but thats because they are ill
```
 
Alot of people are presuming his parents are looking after him, maybe he is looking after his parents.


```
and she has left 2 babies behind her, of which they are also living in the house,with the parents and my boyfriend.
```
 
Is he not also helping look after his sister's children.

I wonder if this was a female who was staying at home to look after ill parents, and nieces / nephews who had recently lost their mother , would everyone be so negative.


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## annR (7 Dec 2007)

gillarosa said:


> If you read the posts you will see the patern. Apart from the fact that we have been drip-fed explanations that may explain better the man's predicament and in fact led by her ommisions to some posters writing very negative and uninformed opinions on one post the OP states that she would like him to move out of his family home where he is staying to look after his parents who are unwell and move in with her to "help pay my mortgage". On another she ponders why she she should works and pay her bills when he doesn't. He was unemployed and living at home when they met, my perception is that her perogitives have changed and she wants his to.


 
I agree with the drip feeding but you could attribute that to her responding to posts.  When she suggests him helping her pay her mortgage I took that to mean that if they ever did move in together or get married, would he be able to help with the mortgage?  In terms of her pondering why she should work and pay her bills when he doesn't - again I would see that in light of, if they were living together why should she end up paying for everything.  She is obviously *not* considering not working and not paying her bills.


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## annR (7 Dec 2007)

Mar123 said:


> ```
> he lives at home with the parents, but thats because they are ill
> ```
> 
> Alot of people are presuming his parents are looking after him, maybe he is looking after his parents..


 
I did ask that but OP didn't answer. I think that would be an important point.




> I wonder if this was a female who was staying at home to look after ill parents, and nieces / nephews who had recently lost their mother , would everyone be so negative.


 
Interesting point.  I have to say though that a lot of the posters are concerned about whether he is depressed and where he is going with his life in general in terms of being independent at least and I think yes people would apply this to a woman as well.  They probably wouldn't call her a loser though.


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## terrysgirl33 (7 Dec 2007)

OK, I read back over you posts and have a few questions.  You don't have to answer any or all of them, they are just things to think about.

You said your BF parents are sick, how sick?  Are they on disability?  Are they elderly, or of an age where they could reasonably be expected to take care of themselves?  Are they expected to improve, or is it something chronic?  Are both of them equally ill?  If you go on to marry this guy, will you be happy if he is spending a lot of his time/energy/money supporting his parents and not you?  Please think long and hard about what you are happy to do.

I'm very glad to hear he isn't involved in drugs or heavy drinking, that would make a difficult situation hopeless, in my opinion.

I know he is depressed over his sisters death last year, but he was unemployed for a while before that, right?  Where are her childrens father?  Who is the legal guardian of the children?  If his parents are too ill to look after the children, are you willing to take them on?  Has he any other siblings?



> He has told me that he sees a future for the two of us, and he knows he has to find a job, or at the very least, do a course to get him started.



What exactly does he see as his future with you?  Ask him detailed questions, try not to say what you want yourself and try to find out what he wants.  It sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear, with no real motivation to do anything.

Can I suggest that you start telling your friends the truth, instead of lying?  It’s really none of their business if he works or not.

Is he open to doing some kind of counselling to help him overcome his feelings of low self worth and depression?  While these are a problem, I’m not sure that anything else will work, IYKWIM.

Have you asked yourself, what will you do if nothing changes?  If he can’t, or won’t change, can you live with him like this?


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## sully (7 Dec 2007)

why doesn't the original poster, realise if they did have kids that he could be the stay at home parent.I f his parents are ill and he is looking after them, as well as 2 small kids, then its only practical that you might consider moving into his home place to help out with the burden and perhaps rent out your own place and sell up what is wrong with him being a full time homemaker..

Would this not be an option Or perhaps the issue of him being unemployed is not the real issue here??


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## terrysgirl33 (7 Dec 2007)

Having a DH as a SAHD is a good idea, if it's freely chosen as the best option.  Since he isn't working, there is no choice, and that is a recipie for resentment and frustration.  Besides, shouldn't they get time to build a life together before kids come along?  The point about his parents being ill is a good one, but he's already working part time, so why not work over the counter part time?


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## csirl (7 Dec 2007)

Whether he's  unavailable for a relationship because he's too lazy to work or because he has other issues or responsibilities is academic. The fact is that he is currently unavailable full stop.

Unless this situation changes rapidly, IMHO the relationship has no future.


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## EmmaJane (7 Dec 2007)

I have told him over the last few days, that we will break up in January if he doesnt start a course with FAS.. Im not taking excuses anymore.. Im fed up with me driving him around, my lying to my parents(they think he is working). My parents feel that he (even with job).. he's not good enuf for me, for the future.. they dont want me to be struggling for the rest of my days.. im beginning to see that they are right.. in 10 years time what i want is 2 cars outside the door, a couple of kids, and a foreign holiday each year.  Is that much to want to myself. As it is I take 2 foreign holidays a year, im in my job 7 years, ive taken night courses over the last few years, and i have a diploma from an I.T. college.. I've travelled all over the world, as he's only been away once or twice .. I want more from life, however, i dont want to break up with the love of my life over this..


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## Harlequin (7 Dec 2007)

While I understand your frustration with him (from my own personal experience), if he is suffering from depression then ultimatums as stark as that may not be the way to go. I understand that you want a partner and a relationship of mutual support, both financial and emotional, but in my experience deadlines like that make the depressed person run away rather than deal with it. It's a very difficult thing to do - the fine line between take-it-or-leave-it ultimatums and just letting him slide further into the rut.

I would suggest you do a bit of reading on the impact of depression and try to find ways to motivate him to do positive things for himself. Believe me, it's not easy. But understanding what's going on with him might help you cope better. For example, I never realised that one aspect of depression is the erosion of the depressed person's ability to make decisions and to motivate themselves. Once I grasped that, I suddenly had a whole new way of looking at the person and how to help him to motivate himself. 

It's kind of like stabilisers on a bike - you help them to get going but at a certain point they have to do it by themselves.

People can get through these things - a combination of counselling and changes in lifestyle and perhaps even medication - but they need support. He may get better and be the partner you believe he can be. Or he may not and you will have to decide to move on for your own sake.

I found some very helpful information for people looking after people with depression on  [broken link removed] 
There are lots of resources out there to help you help him or help make the decision to put your needs first and let him go.

Keywords when dealing with a depressed partner - patience, time, empathy, understanding. Not easy. It's incredibly frustrating to be honest. But don't feel guilty if you decide you can't do it - it's not a burden you can take on lightly, and even if you do take it on, you might decide to put it down later. Not all problems can be shared.

Good luck.


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## EmmaJane (8 Dec 2007)

Thank you for your advice.. To be honest, he has said himself, that he never talks to anyone about how he is feeling, and he even has said that he suprises himself about telling me things.. He's not used to it., But i have constantly reassured him that he can tell me anything, anytime.. He's beginning to trust me on that side of things, but has said in the past that " boys dont cry".. Ive only ever seen him cry twice.. the day his sister died, and her 1st anniversary.. I feel he needs to get alot of things off his chest, and i will support him going back to counselling soon i hope..


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## Harlequin (8 Dec 2007)

The not talking about feelings thing seems to be a *huge* factor in depression, particularly among young men. If you support him going back to counselling, it'll be a wonderful thing for him and it will be healthier for you because you can't be his only support. Just try to be patient with him but look out for yourself too because it's very very easy to get dragged down by the person you're trying to help.

I think you are right to try to push the job or training issue, not just for his future or your future together but because in the short-term, it is better for him to be busy and not sitting around brooding. If he finds something that interests him, it's another step up the ladder out of the pit of depression and it will help him look towards his future.

It takes a lot of time and effort but sometimes the relationship is worth all the struggle. Just as long as he recognises there is a problem and *wants* to address it himself.

Best of luck!


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## EmmaJane (8 Dec 2007)

thank you again. I do think that if he had a job or a course, he wouldnt have time to be sitting around at home, he'd have something to take his mind off it.. I lost someone a month after his sister to suicide, and to be honest he was a rock for me, and i had a good job, with supportive people at work.. and it got me over the worst of it.. I know too well its not easy, but working or concentrating on something different, takes ur mind off it.. And hopefully he'll get thru it.. Can anyone recommend a Bereavement Couselling Service in the Limerick City Area?


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## REMFAN (8 Dec 2007)

So you'll get rid of him in Jan and you won't take any excuses, but at the same time you'll support him with counselling (which could take months)???


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## EmmaJane (8 Dec 2007)

REMFAN said:


> So you'll get rid of him in Jan and you won't take any excuses, but at the same time you'll support him with counselling (which could take months)???


Yes, if he agrees to go regularly to the counselling, AND do a course/job..


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## nesbitt (8 Dec 2007)

Hi All,  I have read all the posts and agree really with all sides!  

However,  one question what does HE want to do?  

Speak clealy to him and have a cards on the table discussion.  

I think you know already what the deal is otherwise you would not have posted this question.  Perhaps you just needed to do this to re-affirm what you already know deep down.... 

Please have the courage and take a step back from this relationship, with a view to ending it. It is self depreciating and perhaps is a sign of your low self esteem.  Be good to yourself and take care.


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## REMFAN (8 Dec 2007)

In your shoes I would help him overcome his issues and not give him a time frame (Jan is way too short btw). Support him in seeking AND attending professional help. Once he can deal with his issues and build up confidence you can then discuss career options with him (ie- attending a career course).


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## EmmaJane (9 Dec 2007)

REMFAN said:


> In your shoes I would help him overcome his issues and not give him a time frame (Jan is way too short btw). Support him in seeking AND attending professional help. Once he can deal with his issues and build up confidence you can then discuss career options with him (ie- attending a career course).


 

I know its too soon, but to be honest, last June, i gave him til sept, and he went to counselling twice.. but as i said she has left since.. September came and went.. and nothing.. Believe u me, i have set time limits before, and he has ignore them, or pretended it didnt happen. his older sister, has told me that the only i will get thru to him is to break up, and maybe then he mite get his act together.. And my best friend has advised me to do the same.. But im swaying two different ways..


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## nesbitt (9 Dec 2007)

Do you really think he is going to change?


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## buzybee (9 Dec 2007)

I think you should ask him what he wants from the future re: marriage & settling down.  I suspect he may not really want to settle down.  He may be satisfied with a girlfriend he can meet a couple of times a week, & have a part time job & no stress.  He may be using this 'not working' as an excuse not to get married & settle down.

I was with a man like this a couple of years ago.  He was minding his elderly father, not working.  I was with him for 2 yrs.  At first I thought he had recently given up work to mind his father.  It was only after months & some probing questions that I realised he had never held down a full time job for longer than a couple of months, and he was 34 at the time.  I was 30.  I wanted a future with a special someone.  

Like you I had my own house & car & worked very hard.  However I also used to get stressed easily about my job and being able to meet my bills.  I didn't care about having a certain standard of life in the future.  However, I did want a comfortable home, where I could afford heating/light/food and a reliable car. I didn't want to have to work 50 hour weeks for the rest of my life just to barely scrape by.  (This is what would have happened if I had settled with this man). 


Like you, I used to pretend to my parents that my ex man was working.  They still thought he was not good enough for me as he was in and out of work and, even at 34 didn't have a regular job. There was no class issue on this, as my dad worked as a labourer all his life & worked full time.  There was the issue of someone not willing to provide for his family, of trying to push the full burden of paying for everything on to one person.

You should think down the line, what if you get pregnant & are too sick to work for a few months.  You will then have to run your household with no income at all, as he won't work!!!   Believe me, it is very difficult to run a household & pay a mortgage if there is only dole payments coming in.   I was unemployed for a while, when I was single (& trying to pay my full mortgage and car).  I found it unbelievably stressful paying my bills & mortgage during this time, & I was lucky I had no children.  You would have to face even more stress if you had children & this happened.

If you really want to stay with him, you will have to be prepared to work full time for the rest of your life, only have one child.  I know you love working now, but when you are in your 40s you may want to work less hrs & spend time with your child (ren).  If he is still acting the same way you will not be able to do this.  In fact you will probably get very bitter & resentful when you see peers working part time & still able to have a comfortable home & not worry about bills.

I don't agree with ultimatums. People only change if they really want to.  He could be telling you he will change, but could slip into his old ways after a couple of months/a year.

Best of luck.  I left my ex and never looked back.


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## EmmaJane (9 Dec 2007)

he has told me that he loves me, and that he sees himself getting married and havin kids.. so i guess he wants a future.. he has often joked and said " will u marry me" and its been a laugh.. he family tell me often how much he loves and adores me.. i know and feel he does too.


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## amtc (9 Dec 2007)

honestly you are worth a lot more than this. The fact that you are asking on a website tells a lot. You have achieved a lot for yourself. Do you realy want to carry someone? It is nice to be nice but I can't see what you are getting out of this...not money wise..but there doesn't even appear to be support for you. Better on your own!


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## paddi22 (9 Dec 2007)

Yeah but someone can love you and still not be the right person for you.

It's not fair to heap pressure on him to be something he isn't and never has been. And if he has got a problem it's only him that can fix, you can't.


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## Flax (9 Dec 2007)

Emma if you can get him to do a course, it will do him wonders. I'm doing a MSc at night, and I love it. Getting the brain working again is fantastic for general happiness and self esteem.

Have a look at [broken link removed] to see if there are any vacancies which might suit him.

Good luck!


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## EmmaJane (10 Dec 2007)

yeah, i honestly think that if he does a course as apposed to getting a temporary job, it will broaden his future.. thanks for the link


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## nesbitt (10 Dec 2007)

Hi Emma Jane, If seems to be the operative word here, so many ifs, buts and maybes. 

This is classic text book stuff. 

I hope through some twist of fate he meets someone else who is totally into his lifestyle and finishes with you. I don't believe you will let him go. Don't understand what hold he has on you but it must be matyrdom on your part.

Please set a time frame and if he lets you down and your in the same situation by your next Birthday, cut the apron strings....

Otherwise you will have to carry him, and carry him and carry him and carry him!


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## truthseeker (10 Dec 2007)

Hi Emma Jane,
you say in the past you have given ultimatiums but then not followed through. That is only sending a message that what you say neednt be taken seriously because its an empty threat. If you give a date by which you expect change and that change hasnt happened then you need to stand by what you say and walk away. You can always walk back if things DO change but letting it slide or accepting a half effort of change is always going to leave you unsatisfied and wanting change and feeling frustrated.

I understand that you love this man and you want the best for both of you. But sometimes you have to either accept someone as they are or walk away because you dont want to spend the next 20/30/40 years trying to force change if its not what he wants for himself.

You really sound like you have your head together in life as regards job, finances etc.... try not to be such a soft touch with your BF, you wont get any thanks for it and you might end up very bitter from always wanting something you cant have.


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## MOB (10 Dec 2007)

You need some perspective.  I would strongly consider a trial separation.   If he is definitely the one for you, he will still be the one in 6 months' time.  If he is not the one, you will more easily reach a decision when you are - even temporarily - free of the current baggage-loaded relationship.    To make it clean and easy, consider maybe if you could take leave (if your job\career path allows) and go away somewhere for 6 months.


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## Raskolnikov (10 Dec 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> yeah, i honestly think that if he does a course as apposed to getting a temporary job, it will broaden his future.. thanks for the link


Further education might not necessarily be beneficial for him.

If he can get a decent paying job right away, you should urge him to go for it!


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## CMCR (10 Dec 2007)

Details of local bereavement counselling services and supports are often listed in the Golden Pages. 

The [broken link removed] have published a [broken link removed] (broken down by county) which outlines a number of groups providing bereavement counselling services in the Limerick city and county area. 

(I have no association with any of the groups listed in this Directory, or with the Family Support Agency. Just thought links might be useful).

CMCR.


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## sadie (10 Dec 2007)

EmmaJane, have you considered counselling for yourself, to provide support and a weekly opportunity to talk while you are supporting him in this phase. It might help you to decide what is best for YOU and what YOU need to do to help yourself in this situation. It might help to re-focus things so that you don't lose yourself in amongst all his problems. If you could afford it, it might be a great help to you (and so will help you to help him without compromising your own self esteem) whether you decide to stay with or if you need to prepare yourself to break up with him. Just make sure any counsellor is IACP approved.


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## redstar (10 Dec 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> We'll i love the bones of him,and vice-versa, i just want him to get on in life. i dont want to struggle if i was to be with him long-term.ie rest of my days..i havent forced his hand over the last 1.5 yrs, and i dont really want to now. But i cant keep going on working hard myself, when my BF doesnt even work..



This comment says it all.
Step back and look at the situation as a stranger (me!) might see it based on details in your posts;

o You are well educated, hard-working and tolerant
o You are ambitious for yourself and your b/f
o You love your b/f
o You want a nice family home with kids

Your b/f is;
o Not ambitious
o Loves you
o Not well educated, though might be fairly street-wise eg undeclared income + social welfare
o Is prepared to let you do everything for him

Is this a two-way relationship or is his love of the dependancy kind. i.e he needs you. Sounds like he _needs_ to be loved.

What kind of respect does he have for you knowing that you lie for him and allows you to 'carry' him along with a 'sure it'll be grand' attitude ?

Your emotional well-being long-term is going to suffer if you do not take action to address this. Its all very well to stand by him etc ... but how long can you do this ? Imagine if you can, that both of you have two children. How do you think he would cope ? He seems happy to plod along, leaning on you, and your love for him is blinding you to what you know is the right thing to do. 

I think MOBs suggestion of a trial separation is a good one - you really need to see how he can cope WITHOUT you - its not final but conditional on him getting a job or course or whatever else you feel would make you want to go back to him. But make it clear what you expect,  set a deadline and STICK TO IT.



> he family tell me often how much he loves and adores me..


But your future will not be supported by this alone.

Ultimately, only you know what you expect from this relationship. If he expects different things, then maybe it will be time to find someone else to share those expectations, and not to be leaned on all the time. If he will not be 'dragged up' then don't let him 'drag' you down.

The emotions involved make it very hard to take tough decisions but have to be faced.


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## buzybee (10 Dec 2007)

Emma Jane,

My ex BF used to say that we will get married and have kids someday.  However, it was always in the far distant future.  When we got engaged, we set a wedding date for 2 yrs down the line.  (He was in and out of bits of jobs, I was worn out filling applications for him, texting him phone numbers of jobs etc).  I got no engagement ring, he wouldn't even move in with me, as he wanted to continue living at home (to mind his Dad).  

The last straw came when I went to view a house near his home.  He went to the viewing with me (I was going to sell my house & buy this one, even though it was 10 miles further away from work & my own family).  Ex BF was acting funny & didn't seem to care about the house.  I told him that I expected him to live with me full time in this house, as I was giving up a lot to be with him.  He started looking at the ground & said he would still live at home a few days a week!!!!!   

Like you, I kept on 'dating' him ( I was 31) and started booking wedding things.  When it came to one year before the wedding, he asked to postpone the wedding for a further 2 yrs, as he was not 'ready', even though he was 35!!!!   I finished with him there and then.  If he is not 'ready' now, he may not be 'ready' in 2 yrs.

You need to stop giving ultimatums, useless when you don't follow through, and he has less respect for you when you don't carry them out.  

Personally I think you need to leave him completely.  If this is too difficult suggest trial separation for 3 or 6 months (no contact) and expand your own social life.

Best of luck.


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## RainyDay (10 Dec 2007)

Emma Jane - If at any stage, you feel you have enough information and you want to close this thread, just let any of the moderators know.


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## EmmaJane (12 Dec 2007)

buzybee said:


> Emma Jane,
> 
> My ex BF used to say that we will get married and have kids someday. However, it was always in the far distant future. When we got engaged, we set a wedding date for 2 yrs down the line. (He was in and out of bits of jobs, I was worn out filling applications for him, texting him phone numbers of jobs etc). I got no engagement ring, he wouldn't even move in with me, as he wanted to continue living at home (to mind his Dad).
> 
> ...


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## EmmaJane (12 Dec 2007)

thanks everyone for your opinions, i do feel that i have enough information to make an informed decision, im still deciding what to do, so when i have decided , ill send a quick post.. thanks again everyone..


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## redstar (13 Dec 2007)

EmmaJane said:


> thanks everyone for your opinions, i do feel that i have enough information to make an informed decision, im still deciding what to do, so when i have decided , ill send a quick post.. thanks again everyone..



Hope all goes well for you, EmmaJane. Best wishes.


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## Luckycharm (13 Dec 2007)

It is funny to see how the 2 sexes think. Girls are with someone for a year and half and start thinking about marriage/kids while men (the ones I know anyway) marriage would not come into their head after going out with someone after 1 and half years.


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## kildarebuild (13 Dec 2007)

Hi EmmaJane - 

Long term suitability is important, if the bf cant get up and do summat then lose him. your problems will only get worse as time goes by...

Ever watch Eastenders? Fella in it just watches tv all day long. Pure laziness and i cannot tolerate it. Very annoying. 

Declare an ultimatum - if he loves you he will do something.


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## truthseeker (13 Dec 2007)

Luckycharm said:


> It is funny to see how the 2 sexes think. Girls are with someone for a year and half and start thinking about marriage/kids while men (the ones I know anyway) marriage would not come into their head after going out with someone after 1 and half years.


 
more pressure on women cos they have a biological clock ticking?


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## pc7 (13 Dec 2007)

and I just think men and women are different there is no getting away from the fact


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## RainyDay (13 Dec 2007)

kildarebuild said:


> Ever watch Eastenders? Fella in it just watches tv all day long. Pure laziness and i cannot tolerate it. Very annoying.


Were you trying to be ironic?


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## Bronte (14 Dec 2007)

Luckycharm that's not always true.  Sometimes guys propose after the first month and are turned down.


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## terrysgirl33 (14 Dec 2007)

Luckycharm said:


> It is funny to see how the 2 sexes think. Girls are with someone for a year and half and start thinking about marriage/kids while men (the ones I know anyway) marriage would not come into their head after going out with someone after 1 and half years.



I see what you mean, but if you are going out with someone, surely you know after a year and a half if it's someone you could marry or not?  If it's someone you like enough to marry, why not talk about it?  If it's someone you wouldn't marry, what on earth are you doing with them in the first place?  If you don't know yet if you would marry them or not, how often are you seeing them?  Once a month????????


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## Harlequin (14 Dec 2007)

True. And if you don't discuss it, you could be five years into a relationship with someone who doesn't have long-term plans with you. It's not something to bring up on a first date (!) but if you don't discuss it, then you could be headed for a nasty surprise. Same with people wanting or not wanting children - it has to be talked about because it's really a deal-breaker.


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## bacchus (14 Dec 2007)

kildarebuild said:


> Long term suitability is important, if the bf cant get up and do summat then lose him. your problems will only get worse as time goes by...


 
May be he is a secret millionaire ?


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## maison (15 Dec 2007)

Sounds like he is in a comfort zone. Virtually free cash, expenseless living, an enabling girlfriend. He has to know that this isnt viable into the future but is probably talking himself into denial about it or saying "next week, next month" etc I'll do it. 
I can imagine you're frustrated and wouldnt be letting yourself go into denial that hes about to change or that you can do much to force change on him.
Think you should start to discuss the future with him, maybe dreams you have like exotic holidays, building your own house etc things one would need to be working towards and see how he reacts. Gradually cut off the help you are giving him in terms of lifts etc and things he should be doing for himself. Maybe approach it all now as a new years resolution thing while that opportunity is there. Give him a list of FAS courses and realistically if he cant find anything there you may be presenting him with an ultimatum. Cant see how leaving him in his comfort zone is good for anyone.


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