Wife of Executor of will taking over.

[BOXtheFOX]

I have taken advice from those of you who have contributed to this discussion. I have increased the visits to my father but unfortunately any discussions that I have with him can only be described as smalltalk. It has come to my attention that the subject of Power of Attorney is being discussed quite forcibly with my father behind my and other family member's backs. Last week he was driven to his bank by my sister and Power of Attorney forms were collected by him, presumably to do with his bank accounts. Despite all this activity taking place he has never once mentioned it to me and he is happy to continue with his "smalltalk" to me whenever I visit.
On one of my visits I met my sister just as I was leaving his house and within 30 seconds of me meeting her she blurted out that an aunt of a friend had had a stroke and had to be put in a home. There was no Power of Attorney over her and her family had to mortgage their houses to pay for her nursing home costs!! She then suggested that we should consider doing this for our father. However what she didn't mention was the amount of work and fear that had already gone in to her discussions with my father. I think that I would have heard absolutely nothing about this Power of Attorney only for this chance encounter.

 

[truthseeker]

I have taken advice from those of you who have contributed to this discussion. I have increased the visits to my father but unfortunately any discussions that I have with him can only be described as smalltalk. It has come to my attention that the subject of Power of Attorney is being discussed quite forcibly with my father behind my and other family member's backs. Last week he was driven to his bank by my sister and Power of Attorney forms were collected by him, presumably to do with his bank accounts. Despite all this activity taking place he has never once mentioned it to me and he is happy to continue with his "smalltalk" to me whenever I visit.
On one of my visits I met my sister just as I was leaving his house and within 30 seconds of me meeting her she blurted out that an aunt of a friend had had a stroke and had to be put in a home. There was no Power of Attorney over her and her family had to mortgage their houses to pay for her nursing home costs!! She then suggested that we should consider doing this for our father. However what she didn't mention was the amount of work and fear that had already gone in to her discussions with my father. I think that I would have heard absolutely nothing about this Power of Attorney only for this chance encounter.

Hi boxthefox,
you say that your own conversations with your father have amounted to small talk - but that it has come to your attention that Power of Attorney has been discussed quite forcibly - how has this come to your attention, presumably your father has not said so, and equally you say your sister has not said so? I just wonder if whoever is giving you information might be exaggerating or stirring things up?

How about asking your father directly has your sister been discussing Power of Attorney with him and if so what are his thoughts on it? Is that a practical option?

 

[putsch]

Its a very difficult situation. I think the complex emotions can only be appreciated when one goes through this oneself. I've had to deal with this kind of situation in the family and also regularly see it through work so I've an idea of what you're feeling.

The thing I would recommend is to keep the channels of communication open to your father and encourage the rest of the family to do the same. If your father is consciously or otherwise manipulating the situation to maximise the level of attention he'll be delighted to have more people make a fuss of him - it'll also help to keep his mental capabilty high and reduce your sister's control.

Incidentally if what is being spoken about is an Enduring Power of Attorney (EPA) this is set up while the person is mentally competent but only becomes effective when the donor loses competence as certified by a doctor - it also requires a number of members of the family to be notified if it is being put in place so you or some of your siblings have to be notified.

 

[gm88]

On one of my visits I met my sister just as I was leaving his house and within 30 seconds of me meeting her she blurted out that an aunt of a friend had had a stroke and had to be put in a home. There was no Power of Attorney over her and her family had to mortgage their houses to pay for her nursing home costs!!.

The family are not responsible for the costs of the nursing home. Subvention is applied for from the HSE which helps with the costs of nursing homes. The amount granted depends on his income/savings.

 

[Michelle]

This is obviously a difficult situation. I think you need to sit down and talk this out with someone, be it a friend, solicitor etc.

There is nothing at all stopping you from taking the initiative and creating the enduring power of attorney. You could talk to your father about this asap. It means that if he ever should become incapacitated, you would be in charge of his assets. If family war breaks out over this, both you and your sister could be joint attornies. She could hardly argue with you, it was her great idea afterall!