To have a baby or not to have a baby ?

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ZEGAR

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Just wondering what people base the decision to have children on.
Do people just have them because they want to or do they weigh up the finances before going ahead,do they check of if child minding facilities are available or do they just jump right in a hope for the best. ?
 
ZEGAR said:
Just wondering what people base the decision to have children on.
Do people just have them because they want to or do they weigh up the finances before going ahead,do they check of if child minding facilities are available or do they just jump right in a hope for the best. ?
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While the costs associated with having children are expensive. I dont think its a decision that should be based on a monetary level, as its bringing a new person into the world not buying a car or other such object. The onkly things to weigh up is how much you want one the other things are usually worked out after the event.
 
That is how feel about it..If you want one have one..I was just wondering do people actually sit down and work out the finances and then decide to have one soon or later....I presume they do in this day and age.
 
TBH I don't think it's as simple as deciding to have one. The first factor should be whether you want to have one, next are you secure in your relationship to have one and finally can you afford one? I do think it's irresponsible to have a child without considering the finances and what arrangements will be made for childcare after the childs birth - ie stay at home, creche, au pair, grandparents, etc. A child isn't going to make a bad relationship work in fact it can make a good relationship bad so it's essential you both sit down and discuss all the factors first.
 
Of course you are right ,it is not that easy.
I have gone through life thinking about it having children and just presuming it will happen and never really considering that maybe it will take a long time or sadly may never happen.
 
I'm the only person I know who feels like this:

I'm in a stable relationship, I'm a fairly stable person (!) as is my partner and we could "afford it" (if that's a legitimate criterion).

But ... I just can't come up with a rational reason to start a family. I like kids and can understand the warmth/love of being part of my own family as much as any childless person can so it's not like I'm non-maternal. I don't believe in starting a family because it's the "next step" or because it's some life experience on the list to do before I die (like Australia or whatever).

If I got pregnant tomorrow, it would be an "accident" but I would definitely want to keep the baby and I think I'd be happy to be a mum (and probably a little relieved that the "decision" had been taken out of my hands). I just can't ever see me coming to a point where I decide "right, now's the time, let's get to it". I have thought that it is probably not a rational decision and that at some stage, broodiness, hormones or instinct would kick in and make me want a baby but as time goes on (I'll be 29 next month), the less I feel sure that that is going to happen.

The closest I get to someone feeling the same are the couples who "like their life now" but that's not really where I'm coming from.

Rebecca
 
Miss Ribena..
I understand what you are saying 100%..I would rather the decision was made for me rather than having to actually sit down and work out the pros and cons and finally deciding..The factor that is urging me on to make a decision is age..I will shortly be 30 and am a little scared .I feel about 16 but I need to take a reality check every now and again and remind myself I am nearly 30 years old.
I think the only reason I could see for not having a baby is that the whole concept scares me and It would mean loss of free time !!!!
 
I like kids but to be perfectly honest I think I'll have them initially anyway for two main reasons (1) other half wants them badly (2) I don't like the prospect of it being just the two of us for ever - I think couples need something to focus on together otherwise it could be pretty boring. I can't put it off much longer - I've done the 'we need to have fun' bit, I've done the 'we need to be settled' bit, I've done the 'we need to be married' bit and I've done the 'we need to buy a house' bit - running out of excuses not to have them now!. Other than 'we need to enjoy our new house' - sounds a bit weak even to me!! Whatever happens I'm not going to plan for it too much - sometimes you can over think things - my best friend can't conceive and when I see what she's gone through I think how lucky I am to have the choice!
 
Age is just a number! IMO, you shouldn't make a decision that you wouldn't otherwise make simply because you were born in 19XX.

MissRibena - there are plenty of women who feel the same as you but fear voicing their feelings because of the reaction they would get - but you are not alone!

I do often have to stop myself from making assumptions. We take precautions for so many years trying not to get pregnant and assume when the time is right our bodies will oblige! Not always so - especially with the extra stress we are all under and the fact that most people are starting their family later in life - early 30s.
 
Theres a saying that "People have children for selfish reasons." Now that is probably true but I dont like the negativity attached to it. Thought provoking though.

I think having children should be a responsible decision in terms of timing it but then you just have to give it go - I dont think you can run through the spreadsheet of costs and see if theres a green light down the bottom because once the genie is out the bottle, so to speak, it aint going back. I think that once you are satisfied you can give the child a good start in life (factors like finances do play a role but more important is the family circumstance & the logistics of life after a baby) then go for it.

As a new dad I think its brilliant - sure it changes your life to some degree but definitely for the better. What you miss you more than get back, maybe it was easier for me as the auld hectic social life was a few years back. Ignore superficial stuff like feeding and nappychanging - its not really a factor - it has to be done but it aint rocket science and it wont ruin your life. (I was going to put pregnancy/labour on that list but I'd get cyberlynched :D , however, it the context of your and your childs hopefully long & happy life it shouldnt be sufficient deterrant).

If you're stuck for reasons then bear in mind that ;) :
1) If everyone decided not to have them the human race would die out (probably a bad thing)
2) You've been order to go forth and multiply, so what you waiting for.

Seriously though, you cant force yourself to be maternal/paternal but at some stage, if all the factors seem to be right, you might just have to take the plunge.
 
One thing that's very important to me is that I never ever become one of those people who goes on and on and on about their kids, especially when you can't stand their kids - I have a male friend who has two children and I can honestly say that I really don't like his kids, they're rude and obnoxious and have permanently runny noses and cheese stuff on their clothes - he thinks they're feckin hilarious!. I'm not maternal at the moment, can't do the baby talk stuff and can't relate to any kids between 2 years and 12 years - but I'm told that your maternal feelings kick in and you grow into it -I'm going to trust in that - I know some feckin horrible women who are really good mothers!
 
I didn't have my first child until I was 30 and my second at 33 but it wasn't until this age that I could even bring myself to contemplate having kids. We didn't sit down and plan having them but adopted a "see if it happens" approach once I hit 29 and it seemd to work out. i didn't feel maternal until well after my first child was born and in the first few weeks sometimes felt I could have handed the baby back but now can't imagine life without them.
I have sometimes wondered about having number 3 but have no urge for a third like I did for a second child. I feel if I had waited to feel my biological clock ticking or other such cliches I would never have had my first child.
 
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.


2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it
-- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately
8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.


4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?


5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.


6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.


7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.


8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it.
Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.


10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.


11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.


12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
 
I love that list, its all true. Seriously I wouldn't say there is a right or wrong time, although there is obvious things like having a job and somewhere to live, but once the deal is done, you will never look back, just don't get too stressed about it - its natures way of making sure the time is right, but it shouldn't get you down.
 
But Car - its well know that a chemical reaction occurs in the brain of those of childbearing age that makes you forget you've ever seen or are aware of all of the above;) . Other great contraceptives are the Nanny 911 types programmes.

Maybe all the above help us to become more patient and less precious about cars and houses, which in Ireland of today cant be a bad thing.
 
Ive a 1 and 2 year old in the house. Looking back on it, life was so easy when we didnt have kids. and then life was even a lot easier with 1 then 2 even more so then before we had 1, it aint easy. Get the all the responsable parenting stuff out of the way tho and theyre brilliant fun...

I was reading something in the guardian today about how scientists have proved having kids doesnt increase your happyness, it just changes your goals and life fulfilment needs. Must try and find the link..
 
car - that list is hilarious but so so true! It's all worth it though.
"The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." :D Clarence Darrow
 
Dont bother having your own kids, nephews and nieces are the best!

They love you unconditionally
they love when you visit (a change from Mom & Dad)
You get to spoil them
You can be the 'Kool Auntie/Uncle'
You can 'borrow' them as an excuse to see the latest spiderman movie
you get to hand them BACK!!!!

Bless their cotton socks!
 
Excellent Car, so true!!

Have two with third on the way, the best decision ever.

remember boys wreck the house, girls wreck the head.
 
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